So Kanye West grabbed all the MTV VMA headlines by acting like the world’s most unnaturally colossal turd.
But that’s not the real news. No, the real news is that MTV broadcast a New Moon trailer! Yes, we know that there have already been about a million New Moon trailers, but this one is different. It’s very slightly longer! And Robert Pattinson takes his top off in it! And therefore it’s more liable to make us want to deliberately binge ourselves into a pharmaceutically-assisted coma just to escape it!
Excited about the New Moon trailer? Then you’re an idiot. Also, it’s after the jump…
New Moon isn’t released for over two months. Let’s just reflect on that for a moment. We’ve already been bombarded with naked castmember photos and New Moon trailers and spurious-sounding stories about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart having it off, and there’s still nine weeks to go before the poxy thing is released.
So what imaginative marketing tactics can we expect from the New Moon producers that’ll ramp up hype levels even further before November 20? What? They’re just going to keep releasing slightly different trailers because they know that anyone who actually likes New Moon is either a child or a desperately lonely woman and they’re bound to greedily lap up whatever scraps they’re thrown regardless of how chronically intelligence-insulting they are? Oh, fair enough.
That was demonstrated during the MTV VMAs last night, when a new New Moon trailer was premiered. First let’s show you the New Moon trailer, and then let’s analyse it…
OK, you’ve seen it now. Stop hyperventilating. And stop wondering how two teenage girls managed to somehow procure a bright yellow Porsche to bomb around Italy in even though that in itself is even more ridiculous than all the vampire and werewolf crap put together. Because a document as seminal as the latest New Moon trailer needs to be dissected with a cool and critical eye. So let’s do that…
New Moon Trailer Scene 1:
In this scene we can clearly see Kristen Stewart heading for a motorcycle crash, put off by a weird, transparent, shopworn-looking scarecrow. At least we assume it’s a scarecrow – for a moment we thought it might have been a real person, but then we noticed its haircut. No real person would ever even consider having a haircut that objectively terrible.
New Moon Trailer Scene 2:
In this scene Kristen Stewart realises that she’ll never have Robert Pattinson as a boyfriend again, and will have to settle for that runty-looking werewolf chap instead. This emotion is not only expressed through the anguish in Kristen’s eyes, but also in the way that she makes a noise like 14 goats gang-raping a guinea pig as loudly as possible in an echo chamber.
New Moon Trailer Scene 3:
OMG! It’s the New Moon Wolf Pack! Oh God, they’re not wearing tops!! You can totally see their nipples!!!!! Eight werewolfy nipples!!! SQUEE!!!!!!
New Moon Trailer Scene 4:
OMG!!!!!!! It’s Robert Pattinson without a top on!! We can’t breathe!!! He’s so pasty and ill-looking and sexy!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
New Moon Trailer Scene 5:
O!!! M!!! G!!!!!! It’s TONY BLAIR!!!! Now We DEFINITELY can’t breathe!!!!!!! TONY!!! TONY!!!! WE WANT YOUR BABIES!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, oh God, we think we’re actually going to pass out with lust!!
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LitNerd says
OK, I’ll admit it. I’m a 27 year old woman with a college degree, a real job, and no mental disabilities who loves Twilight. That being said, I think the thing I enjoy more is you making fun of it. And everything else. Stuart Heritage, you’re my hero.
michelle says
you are an absolute idiot!!
markie says
Michelle – why are you still here?
Katrina says
wow, you’re an idiot.
Mellllll says
hahahah Dude, you are amazing. I am a fan of the books (the movies, still deciding. We’ll see how it goes.) But you are hilarious. I loveee it!
victoria says
haaa , ok i love twilight and all but i am actually pissing myself laughing , O M G ITS TONY BLAIR!!!! hahhahaha ….
victoria says
i really love twilight but FUCK! , your hilarious!