Last night we had the chance to watch not one, but two television shows devoted to pointless people thrust into the media spotlight. Channel 4 had its never-ending dose of Big Brother, where we could watch housemates bickering like children over shaving foam and arguing about who should be a clown.
On ITV we were given supposed unprecedented access to Victoria Beckham. You know, the one who is crap at singing and pointed a lot during her time in the Spice Girls. Well, her much more respected husband and sole provider had decided to bugger off to LA to make himself look better by easily sidestepping and nutmegging crap American footballers. So for a whole hour we got to see the 100mph lifestyle of Victoria Beckham. Pace yourselves now.
The only real person to care about Victoria Beckham is ironically locked up in a prison known as Big Brother. Chanelle from Big Brother, the one who cries when people look at her funny, supposedly models her lifestyle on Victoria, a woman who is so up their own arse we actually could see her own face. And Victoria Beckham: Coming To America did nothing to dispel the Posh stereotype.
For starters, we've seen all the so-called media hype about the couple. But what exactly does she do? Apart from threatening now and then to come back and sing, not a lot. Like Nicole Richie she’s usually on the front of some woman’s magazine being depicted as either too fat or too thin. Tragic we know. A lot of last night’s programme was dedicated to showing the differences from Victoria Beckham's English, Spanish and American lifestyle. We've sussed them out and would like to explain them to her that:
1) Just like in England, they speak English in America. Though they do have a few little quips that are strange. Americans call their fanny their arse!
2) In Spain it’s quite hot, like it is in America.
3) Americans are crap at football compared to Spain, so David will find it easier and will score at least four goals a game. Most of the other players will be waiting for a home run to happen.
On the subject of baseball, it was hilarious to see a confused-looking Victoria Beckham try and throw something around. Not only that, but what was she wearing? Yes, she may have more fashion sense than us but we know that wearing trainers will give a better result in a sporting event than ridiculously high heels. In a move that won’t see her solve Britain’s dispute with Russia soon, the best scenario of the night had to be when Victoria could not drive around in privacy to buy her husband a gift. With his own money we imagine.
Paparazzi are regarded as scum by celebrities, but it struck as slightly odd that nearly every sodding place she went, they were there. We believe the old technique of tipping them off before going somewhere may have been employed. Probably by her 'new' PA who seemed a bit lost throughout the show. So if you wanted privacy to buy something, what would you do? Well we would buy something off the internet. Not Victoria though, she thought it would be much more clever to buy a sex doll, dress it up as her, plant it in a car and use it as a decoy. They both have fixed plastic expressions, so it worked a treat.
Fascinatingly as well, Victoria got slightly cheesed off when a blogger called her an 'alien'. Not digging that comment too well, she stormed off to confront the blogger. Now, the internet is a big place and people slag Victoria Beckham off across the world. Including hecklerspray! Remember, the pig and wardrobe incident? Strangely, she managed to locate the person responsible for saying rude things about her quite easily. Walking into a café, she marched in and found the blogger responsible. In a scene that was screaming “this is a setup” she told him off, bartered a peace deal and then buggered off. We’d like Victoria to march in to our place of residence at some point and tell us the same. Actually no, we should really walk up to her and ask for the hour of our life that we lost watching utter crap on the TV back.
If we wanted to watch someone try and big themselves up, we’d have watched Charley off Big Brother. We wonder if she’ll be so boastful when she finds out her cousin has transferred to the team in the Premiership with the worst and second worst record! However next week David has his own show which we presume will resemble the sketches from Bo Selecta. Sky+ it now.