When the Earth inevitably explodes into fiery nuclear armageddon, the only survivors will be cockroaches and Trinny and Susannah – and Trinny and Susannah will spend the whole time laughing at how fat the cockroaches look in slingbacks.
Seriously, nothing can kill Trinny and Susannah. Failed internet ventures didn't kill Trinny and Susannah, and nor can the fact that they present perhaps the most toe-curling hour of television since The Black And White Minstrel Show in Trinny And Susannah Undress. But maybe the fight isn't over yet, because Trinny And Susannah have picked on the wrong crowd this time – the Pagans. A stunt for Trinny and Susannah's new series – a sort of sex-change operation on a giant ancient chalk man carved into a hill – has sent a group of 22 pagans into a furious outrage. And the pagans might just win, because flowing hooded robes, henna tattoos and Nyami-Nyami amulets are so summer 07.
Trinny And Susannah are the Ant & Dec of making women cry because they're fat and all their clothes are shit. For years now, on both the BBC and ITV, Trinny And Susannah have been doing the same old shtick over and over. That shtick, as if you didn't know, involves trawling the country for bad-haired council estate women, rooting through their wardrobes and hooting with contempt at the contents until the women cry, at which point Trinny and Susannah dress the women up in new clothes and pretend that the only way to be happy in life is by spending £20 more on sweaters than you normally would. Basically Trinny and Susannah are just like Mr Blackwell, only a thousand times gayer.
And the formula seems to work – it's helped Trinny And Susannah become the undisputed champions of engendering widespread insecure fashion neuroses in women up and down the country, even getting them into A-list events like Elton John's wedding . But sometimes Trinny and Susannah bite off more than they can chew – which, depending on whether we're talking about Trinny or Susannah, is either three wheelbarrows full of cakes or one atom of air that smells like Lollo Rossa. A stunt for their new show, Trinny And Susannah Undress The Nation, involved taking 100 women to the Long Man Of Wilmington, a giant chalk man that was carved into the side of a Sussex hill in ancient times.
Thing is, the Long Man of Wilmington is a pagan symbol, and by getting women to link hands and form pigtails, breasts and hips on such a sacred piece of land, Trinny And Susannah have created all kinds of furore. All kinds of very polite pagan furore, admittedly, but furore nonetheless. The Independent reports:
Arthur Pendragon, a Druid battle chieftain, said: "We are very angry because this is so disrespectful." The nomadic 53-year-old continued: "We, the pagans, would not in our wildest dreams consider putting female breasts and clothing on effigies of any Holy Prophets, be it Jesus Christ, Buddha or any other revered figure of another faith. Why then, does ITV commission Trinny and Susannah to do so at the Long Man of Wilmington?"
The pagan-enraging stunt was just one of the hilarious events to take place on Trinny And Susannah Undress The Nation – others include giving every woman in one town a correctly-fitting bra, transforming Susannah into a 70-year-old woman and making an overweight council estate single mother cleaning lady cry because she's a fatty pig fat fat who looks like a walking abortion. Probably.
But we have to admit, by committing sacrilege on an ancient artifact in the name of cheap entertainment, Trinny and Susannah have whipped up more publicity than ever before. So much so, in fact, that Trinny And Susannah are planning to maximise on this by making two new specials for the autumn – Trinny And Susannah Burn The Turin Shroud Because It's Not Printed On Taffeta and Trinny And Susannah Say Al Qaeda Are Just Angry Because All Their Women Have Big Calves.
Read more:
'We Won't Wear It' – Pagans Furious With Trinny And Susannah – Independent
Gilbert Wham says
“Arthur Pendragon, a Druid battle chieftain” – this would, I imagine, be the same beardie-wierdy fuck who has been bimbling round festivals the last 20-odd years annoying people who, quite reasonably, just want to get high in a field and miss seeing lots of bands. Sports a sword and some foolish robes? He gets on my wick, he does. More so than ordinary hippies even.
Gerrit says
Well Gilbert… perhaps you get on his wick aswell.
You certainly have a funny way of expressing yourself. Although I’m also sceptical of Arthur, I’d rather believe him than some that deems it necessary to use the f-word in order to get attention.
Arthur was there. So were representatives of other Pagan organisations. Point is that these ‘ladies’ show an enormous lack of taste and respect, and they get away with it.
Unlike Al Quaeda, we don’t believe in violence, so I wonder what these people are thinking by targetting a notorious terrorist organisation….
Gilbert Wham says
I believe I have gotten on his wick in the past. I don’t just make facetious comments to strangers via the internet you know. I do it all the time. Something of a gift, really.