In the right hands, a celebrity sex tape can be a wonderful thing – a glimpse into the private lives of those richer, prettier and more successful than you will ever be.
But those celebrity sex tapes are few and far between. Sadly, most celebrity sex tapes are badly-lit snoozefests featuring out-of-shape Z-listers at their most unflattering. They?re the exact scientific opposite of arousing. Get caught unaware by, say, Screech from Saved By The Bell?s celebrity sex tape and you can kiss goodbye to your libido – and probably your eyesight – forever.
Here are the ten worst offenders. Don't worry – we're not going to show you the actual sex tapes. Your breakfast is safe where it is…
10 – Eric Dane (2009)
Hey, it's the guy from Grey?s Anatomy. Not him. Or him. Or him. Or him. The other one. You know, the one nobody really likes very much. Who wants to see him naked, in a bath, blathering on about himself like some kind of awful bigshot, with a woman who used to be engaged to Aaron Carter? Anyone? No? Nobody? OK. Good answer.
9 – Jordan (2003)
Before Jordan became the weeping, unsympathetic Ronaldo-eyebrowed idiot who got forced to eat kangaroo bum for a week on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, she was probably known for her nudity. And, regrettably, also for a video of her having all sorts of awful foot-to-vag sex with Dane Bowers, the cake-faced boy from Another Level and Celebrity Big Brother. Only number nine thanks to our palpable relief that she didn't think to film herself with Gareth Gates.
8 – Abi Titmuss (2002)
Not because Abi Titmuss would be less famous if she never made it. Not because Abi Titmuss was so desperate to clean up her reputation after its release that she did the worst thing possible and tried to become a serious actress. Not because it has ruined My Cherie Amour for us forever. No. The Abi Titmuss sex tape is here because you can see what the end of John Leslie?s penis looks like in it. Ugh.
7 – Kid Rock And Scott Stapp (1999)
The thought of the hairy redneck responsible for hits like Wax The Booty and Balls In Your Mouth AND the man behind official worst band in history Creed, having sex with four groupies – worse, four Creed groupies – isn't one you'd like to have often. Blocked by Kid Rock, this one still makes the top ten because the thought of it alone makes our mind bleed.
6 – Chyna (2004)
Wrestling is full of sexy women. Actually, that's a lie – wrestling is full of orange women with big hair who look like they?d quite happily give you handjob in a car park so long as it didn't interrupt their Dog The Bounty Hunter marathon. But it's also home to Chyna – a hulking brute of a woman who?d beat you in an arm wrestle and then laugh at you in a voice several octaves lower than your own. She had sex with a man once. And filmed it. God knows why.
5 – Rob Lowe (1988)
Genuinely harrowing, this one, because it featured Rob Lowe having sex with two women, one of whom was found to be underage. But ask yourself this – if Rob Lowe?s reputation hadn?t been in the gutter for a decade after his sex tape, would he have still made the terrible festive TV movie Christmas Shoes? Would he indeed.
4 – Dustin Diamond (2006)
To pay their mortgage, some people will throw themselves into work, borrow whatever they can or simply sell up and start afresh. Not Dustin Diamond, though. He decided to trade in on his notoriety as Screech From Saved By The Bell by making a sex tape that involved him having sex with a bride-to-be and her bridesmaid that culminated in him smearing poo across one of their faces. Mr Belding wouldn't have stood for shenanigans like this.
3 – Verne Troyer (2008)
Verne Troyer was going to be higher up this list. The reason he isn't? Begrudging respect. Little Verne? Having sex with a normal-sized woman? On film? Good on him, we say, especially since he's so enthusiastic about it all. You wouldn't want to watch it, though, would you? Not with those little tiny hands. Ick.
2 – Fred Durst (2005)
we're loathe to bring this up. mainly because it looks like the world has finally forgotten about Fred Durst, but we had to. Only Fred Durst, while filming himself having sex with a woman, would think to turn the camera around and gurn into it as grotesquely as possible, apparently as a sign of affection for the young lady. We saw that face once, nearly five years ago. We still weep about it when nobody?s around from time to time.
1 – Gene Simmons (2008)
Here it is, the mack-daddy of harrowing sex tapes. Gene Simmons has made a fairly lucrative career out of telling the world how many women he's had sex with. Now he could probably make an equally lucrative career out of telling the world how underwhelmingly he does it. Let's go through the checklist. Tubby middle-aged man who keeps his T-shirt on? Check. Disinterested blonde girl who steadfastly refuses to kiss said middle-aged man on the mouth? Check. Continued use of chewing gum? Check. I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner? Check. The ability to wither the soul of everybody who watches it? Double check.
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