Typical – when Paris Hilton breaks her probation, she gets a measly 23 days in jail, but when Tom Sizemore punches his girlfriend, fails drug test after drug test and then tries to punch a hotel worker while possibly on drugs, he gets 16 months.
Tom Sizemore, the actor best known for being in Black Hawk Down until he started punching girls, failing drug tests, using prosthetic penises, making his own porn movies and trying to fight people who work in the service industries, has finally seen his run of incredible luck at prison-dodging come to an end. Yesterday a judge sentenced Tom Sizemore to 16 months in jail for repeatedly violating the terms of his probation over the course of a number of years. Porno? Probation violation? Throw in a pair of wonky eyes and Tom Sizemore's the male Paris Hilton that nobody really gives a shit about.
Looking at things objectively, it's a small miracle that Tom Sizemore hasn't wound up in jail earlier. Back in 2003, Tom Sizemore found himself attached to Mike Tyson-pimping Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss – not exactly a match made in heaven since Tom Sizemore was quickly convicted of beating her up. From there Tom Sizemore's probation suffered setback after setback, after the fake penis that Tom Sizemore wore didn't work properly and he was slung back into rehab.
Up until then, Tom Sizemore had been doing a particularly good job of convincing judges that he didn't need to go to jail – but then when Tom Sizemore left his drug-filled car to try and beat up a hotel worker last month, it was decided that enough was enough and Tom Sizemore would spend 16 months in jail, where the only women he can punch are first-offenders with mops on their heads and the only fake penises he needs to worry about are lengths of rusty pipe belonging to seven-foot-tall murderers who think that Tom Sizemore reminds him of his girlfriend. People reports:
Tom Sizemore on Monday was sentenced to 16 months in prison for violating his probation in a drug-related case… Last week, in anticipation of his sentencing, the Black Hawk Down and Saving Private Ryan star tearfully begged Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Cynthia Rayvis not to put him behind bars. But prosecutors insisted that Sizemore has been given enough breaks, with Deputy District Attorney Sean Carney telling the judge, "I think the time has come for the court to revoke his probation."
Maybe, on reflection, jail is the best place for Tom Sizemore. After all, Sizemore has the two greatest friend-making stories in the world at his disposal – the one about how he slept with Liz Hurley and the one about how he almost slept with Paris Hilton – plus all prisons are famously free of every drug known to man, so Tom Sizemore will be forced to rehabilitate himself during his sentence. And, even if by some wild miracle drugs are somehow smuggled into jail, at least Tom Sizemore will have received 16 months of intensive training on how to properly beat up a woman. So everyone's a winner, really.
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