Well, file this one under ‘how the hell did we miss that, even though it broke about a day ago?!’
See, you traipse the internet, you look through all of your sources, talk to people and even read things and yet – we still miss things sometimes. Big things. Things that were basically stories handcrafted for the hallowed pages of hecklerspray. Things that involve both Tom Cruise and Scientology.
Things that involve Tom Cruise, Scientology and the fact that both the person and the religion are being sued by an ex-follower.
How the hell did we miss this?
Well, it turns out that a $250 million lawsuit was filed on July 15 against the Church of Scientology, with the suit’s plaintiff Peter Letterese, an ex-member of the church, claiming everybody’s favourite Nazi, Tom Cruise, is second in command of the religion.
Letterese claims the church, including Cruise and David Miscavage – he who sits at the top of the Thetan pile in charge of Scientology – are akin to a “crime syndicate” and wants the organisation prosecuted under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organisation (RICO) law, claiming harassment by those in charge.
Like we said – this is handcrafted for use on hecklerspray. It doesn’t even need any kind of satirical/bitchy angle put into it, it just writes itself. An ex-member of the church is suing Scientology for $250 million dollars while claiming they have many similarities to the mafia, and has named Tom Cruise as one of the main parties involved. Sorry to repeat, but it just… wow. It doesn’t get much better than this.
We mean, it probably won’t go anywhere – one man against the combined might of however many devout believers in the actions of Xenu is never going to be a fair battle. But when you put Tom Cruise in the mix, then you’re just going to lose. Nevertheless, Letterese said Miscavage is:
“aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and (made) his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”
To throw in some level of balance to the whole escapade, a spokesperson from the church, speaking to the New York Daily Post, stated:
“This is a frivolous suit based on falsehoods.”
They both seem like solid claims, to be honest – who are we to believe? No idea. So instead, let’s wildly speculate.
If the Church of Scientology were to be dismantled under anti-racketeering laws then, well, it would be a great big pile of hilarity. But surely it would set a new precedent for how religions are treated in today’s world? If Scientology is, as it is claimed, a genuine religion rather than a pyramid scheme, then surely other religious bodies could be prosecuted under whatever laws might apply?
We could see Christianity being brought down for forcing its followers to pay ‘protection money’ in the form of so-called ‘collections’; or the Catholic Church being disintegrated following widespread claims of child abuse – not that that would ever happen, of course…
Islam dissolved after a shoe-stealing racket is uncovered in mosques around the country? Buddhism decimated on charges of mass loitering disguised as meditation? The possibilities are endless, frankly, and it would open a gigantic can of worms for the whole world to lovingly stare at.
But let’s face it – you fight Tom Cruise, you’re going to lose. Though he still can’t keep pizzas warm with magic.
JP says
Leave Tom Cruise alone, he’s one of the good guys, according to The Omniverse Almanac. http://www.extramarbles.com
gir says
HAHAHAHA Holy shit what an unreadable pile of crap.
gir says
I don’t think the world needs a book by some faggot who read “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and said “Hey! This looks really easy!”
Sarah says
Do you think people will look back a hundred years and laugh at scientology? Or will it take over as the dominating religion simply because it’s idiotic and people are only getting dumber?
David Bryden says
I think Scientology once had a shot at taking over the world, right up to the release of the movie “Battlefield Earth”.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
It’s all fun and games until you wake up one dark morning, check the window and find that the sun has been blotted out behind a cloud of Xenuvian warships dropping lorry-sized clam paratroopers wearing the badge of the 23726045th Clam Commando.
XXX DEATH FROM ABOVE!!!! XXX
Almanac says
According to The Omniverse Almanac, Tom Cruise is actualy one of the few good guys inhabiting this planet, along with Steven Spielberg, Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake, The Dalai Lama,….
Check out The Omniverse Almanac on Google Search
Arian says
Sientology work toghether with Ariane Mafia and Gerrilla Mafia.