Tom Cruise Can’t Keep Pizzas Warm With Magic

Tom Cruise Pizza magic warm Katie Holmes Scientology Scientologist Mad MoneyTo watch the skin-crawling Tom Cruise: Scientologist video you'd think that there was literally nothing that Tom Cruise couldn't do, apart from make sense and laugh normally.

However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn't able to do.

Tom Cruise, you see, can't keep pizzas warm with magic.

Katie Holmes must be absolutely furious at the moment, provided that someone's fitted a fury chip into her circuitboard. Ever since hooking up with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes' film career has taken a battering. She had all her brilliant-sounding sex scenes mysteriously removed from Thank You For Smoking, then she was the worst thing about Batman Begins and after that acting had to take a back seat to speculation about whether Tom Cruise kept her in a metal cage or a bamboo one in private.

And this was supposed to be the time that Katie Holmes broke out for herself thanks to her – admittedly terrible-looking – new movie Mad Money. And what happens as Mad Money's release date approaches? Has everyone been giving a reasoned assessment of Katie's performance? No, they've been watching a creepy Scientologist video of Tom Cruise being weird and wondering how much of L Ron's sperm it took to get her pregnant

So Katie Holmes has had enough, and now she's decided to defend her husband to get the Mad Money promotion back on track. You see, even though Tom Cruise knows that only Scientologists are able to really help car-crash victims, he'd make a shit pizza delivery boy – and that's thanks to his vast inability to use magic to keep pizzas warm.

When Tom Cruise visited Katie Holmes and the other Mad Money cast members on set in Louisiana during filming once, he brought a pizza with him. From Giordanos in – get this – Chicago. And – get this – it was warm. Apparently the Mad Money cast and crew all thought that Tom Cruise had somehow harnessed his inner Thetan to keep the pizza warm for the entire 906-mile journey, but that's probably because they all sound like they're as thick as pigshit.

But, sadly, Katie Holmes has hilariously revealed that it wasn't magic at all – it was dry-ice:

"Giordanos send dry ice which keeps the pizza hot."

See? What Katie Holmes is trying to say is that Tom Cruise is just like us! And he is, except that we don't aggressively push our confusing religion onto people by claiming that we're eminently more qualified to cure car crash victims than paramedics because we believe that a crazy alien once dropped a hydrogen bomb into a volcano.

Plus Tom Cruise was also in a film about cocktails and we weren't. That's another way he's not like us. But mainly the creepy alien volcano bomb thing.

Read more:



  1. Gene says

    Dry Ice? All these years — I thought Dry Ice was bitterly COLD and was used to keep cold Beers Cold. I must be missing some part of my Physics 101 enabled Brain. Oh well – At least Mr. Tom was kind enough to deliver for the crew. That is a good thing.

    When I order a large pizza – I have them cut it into Four pieces. I couldn’t possibly eat 8 pieces of pizza by myself…

  2. Lilian says

    I am so tired of people looking for excuses to knock Tom Cruise. I have met him and he is on eof the nicest guys you can ever meet. Give him a break, the video is too old and he is entilted to his beliefs however bizaare. Let him have his young family and enjoy himself. I still like him a lot even though I missed lions for lambs because am tired of Iraq, am looking forward to his next movie.

  3. Eric Layne says

    You people leave Tom Cruise alone! He is a man-boy god among men, walking regally among us wearing only satin diapers and hair gel, and should be worshipped like the true Super Thetan Alien being he is, or whatever.

  4. abondanza says

    Yes, I took believe that dry ice only keeps things cold. It is the thing they package Baskin Robbins Ice Cream cakes in so you can drive them home.

    According to the WIki:
    genericized trademark[1] for solid carbon dioxide. It is commonly used as a versatile cooling agent. Dry ice sublimes, changing directly to a gas at atmospheric pressure. Its sublimation and deposition point is -78.5 °C (-109.3 °F). Its enthalpy of sublimation (ΔHsub) @ -78.5 °C (-109.3 °F) is 199.0 kJ/kg (245.5 BTU/lb). The low temperature and direct sublimation to a gas makes dry ice a very effective coolant, since it is colder than ice and leaves no moisture as it changes state.

    So maybe Tom is magic after all…

  5. wtf? says

    using dry ice to keep pizzas warm?!
    hell that’s like using water to keep you dry!

    or a psychologically fit person believing in scientology.
    gee wiz, i am a convert now.

  6. nostromo says

    This is like that bit Lewis Black does where someone near him in a restaurant or a bar says the most stupid thing he has ever heard (if it wasn’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college) and he spends the next few days trying to figure it out or go nuts. Please…someone…surely no sentient being really thinks dry ice would keep things warm. Hecklerspray must take some of the blame by publishing it without even a ‘sic’ in parenthesis after.
    I will have to track down Katie Holmes and demand to know what the hell that was all about…or someone could prevent my lengthy ensuing jail-term by explaining what the hell it means…please…in the name of mercy..