However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn't able to do.
Tom Cruise, you see, can't keep pizzas warm with magic.
Katie Holmes must be absolutely furious at the moment, provided that someone's fitted a fury chip into her circuitboard. Ever since hooking up with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes' film career has taken a battering. She had all her brilliant-sounding sex scenes mysteriously removed from Thank You For Smoking, then she was the worst thing about Batman Begins and after that acting had to take a back seat to speculation about whether Tom Cruise kept her in a metal cage or a bamboo one in private.
And this was supposed to be the time that Katie Holmes broke out for herself thanks to her – admittedly terrible-looking – new movie Mad Money. And what happens as Mad Money's release date approaches? Has everyone been giving a reasoned assessment of Katie's performance? No, they've been watching a creepy Scientologist video of Tom Cruise being weird and wondering how much of L Ron's sperm it took to get her pregnant.
So Katie Holmes has had enough, and now she's decided to defend her husband to get the Mad Money promotion back on track. You see, even though Tom Cruise knows that only Scientologists are able to really help car-crash victims, he'd make a shit pizza delivery boy – and that's thanks to his vast inability to use magic to keep pizzas warm.
When Tom Cruise visited Katie Holmes and the other Mad Money cast members on set in Louisiana during filming once, he brought a pizza with him. From Giordanos in – get this – Chicago. And – get this – it was warm. Apparently the Mad Money cast and crew all thought that Tom Cruise had somehow harnessed his inner Thetan to keep the pizza warm for the entire 906-mile journey, but that's probably because they all sound like they're as thick as pigshit.
But, sadly, Katie Holmes has hilariously revealed that it wasn't magic at all – it was dry-ice:
"Giordanos send dry ice which keeps the pizza hot."
See? What Katie Holmes is trying to say is that Tom Cruise is just like us! And he is, except that we don't aggressively push our confusing religion onto people by claiming that we're eminently more qualified to cure car crash victims than paramedics because we believe that a crazy alien once dropped a hydrogen bomb into a volcano.
Plus Tom Cruise was also in a film about cocktails and we weren't. That's another way he's not like us. But mainly the creepy alien volcano bomb thing.