You people make us sick. You laughed at Tiger Woods for humping everything in sight like some kind of horny billionaire terrier?
Well stop. Tiger Woods has a disease. He didn’t have it off with all those women because he’s a thoughtless, power-hungry, sweating nutsack of a man who enjoys no-strings sexual intercourse behind his wife’s back with an endless procession of identically orange cocktail hostesses with too many vowels shoehorned into their names and so much collagen stuffed up their crevices that they barely look able to stand up properly.
No. Tiger Woods did all that because he has an illness – an illness called sex addiction. And even though it’s an illness that probably doesn’t even exist, Tiger Woods has gone to rehab for it anyway. Who knows, maybe he’ll bump into someone who’s being treated for superfluous vowel addiction and they’ll hit it off.
It’s taken a while, but it looks as though Tiger Woods has finally decided to follow the Mel Gibson Rule to the letter. You know the Mel Gibson Rule – it’s practically the guidebook for celebrities with no self-control who want to let themselves off the hook by distancing themselves from the concept of personal responsibility. Although Mel Gibson may have invented the rule after screaming about how much he hates Jewish people during his DUI arrest, it’s been followed by many since – and the latest student is Tiger Woods.
Let’s just run down the rule to see how Tiger Woods is doing:
1 - Apologise for mistake? Check. Following his scandal, Tiger Woods wrote a cursory apology on his website that briefly expressed a minimum amount of contrition for his so-called ‘transgressions’.
2 - Apologise again with feeling? Check. After the first apology didn’t work – note to celebrities: it never does – Tiger Woods then wrote something a little more heartfelt and specific to bide him some time in the hope that this would all blow over.
3 – Go to rehab? Check. This one’s key. It doesn’t matter if your problem is tangible like an alcohol or substance addiction, woolly and untreatable like homophobia or something in the middle like sex addiction – going to rehab is the only way to cure yourself. And, even though his only real addiction is to being a sweaty pervert who can’t look at anything for more than five seconds without seeing if his willy can fit inside it, that’s what Tiger Woods has reportedly done. OK! reports:
With new reports surfacing that Tiger Woods is being treated at the Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services facility in Miss., the professional golfer has opted to live alone during his stay. Tiger was granted special permission to live without a roommate as he undergoes therapy in one of the best sex addiction programs around lead by Dr. Patrick Carnes.
Of course, a single-occupancy stay at sex rehab works well for everyone. On Tiger’s part it means that he’s less exposed to unscrupulous patients who’ll try to sell information about his demons to the media, and for everyone else in the facility it means sleeping soundly in the knowledge that they won’t be woken up by the sight of Tiger Woods’ bulging eyes looming over them as he tries to stuff it up one of their orifices.
So that’s part three on the boil. But don’t think that Tiger Woods is in the clear yet – Mel Gibson Rule also has a fourth part. Tiger Woods won’t have completed his penance until he’s directly apologised to a leader of the community most affected by his behaviour.
That could prove to be tricky – sun-damaged, money-grabbing opportunists with ratty nylon hair extensions, fake boobs the same size and density of maritime cannonballs and collagen-enhanced lips that look like the end result of an ill-advised lilo-eating competition tend not to be grouped into a formally unionised community. But there’s always Al Sharpton. Apologising to Al Sharpton never hurt anyone, did it?