If rumours are to be believed, then Taylor Swift’s next album is going to be about Jake Gyllenhaal. That means, of course, her next album is going to be filled with boring love songs or boring break-up songs. The only thing that’s certain is that it will be more tedious than eating Rich Tea biscuits covered in cat litter.
Why doesn’t Taylor fall on the sword for her ‘art’ and go out with someone massively inappropriate like Randy Quaid or Dog The Bounty Hunter? That would ensure that her next album was a total hoot to listen to!
However, Taylor is insistent on dating people as dull as she is and apparently, she spend the weekend with Jake Gyllencan’tbebothertypinghisnameoutconstantly in New York city. They probably drank some coffee and sat silently in a park looking at ducks.
That’s not true actually. The date went like this.
She took him to a taping of Saturday Night Live (and by ‘taping’, you can assume that this meant going to see it being filmed, rather than the pair switched the TV but watched the digital numbers go ’round on her VHS recorder as it taped the show from the television – although that seems plausible) and when the lights dimmed, she told her bodyguard to sling his hook so that Gyllenhaal could sit next to her and nearly hold her hand.
A witness:
“They chatted a lot, but no kissing or hand holding or anything affectionate.”
If she’d dated Dog the Bounty Hunter, he would have sneakily got to second base and then leapt through the air to catch some criminal while shouting “Brah” at the end of every sentence.
Then, the coma-inducing duo spent the next day having brunch (the most boring of all meals) before taking a stroll in Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood.
That’s where they probably silently stared at ducks.
And of course, Him From Donnie Darko will end up in a boring ditty:
Taylor says:
“Every person I’ve fallen for, they’ve all been a song. That kind of justifies [the exes] being in my life.”
God knows she didn’t pick up tips on how to give blow-jobs or anything vaguely interesting or salacious as that. If you date a Jonas brother, all you’re going to learn is how to constantly talk like you’re in a job interview.
Here’s hoping that Taylor Swift gets addicted to mind-bending drugs over the course of the next 12 months. Or a plane engine lands on her house. That’d be fun.
Amy says
OMG you are DISGUSTING. You want a plane engine to land on her house? From what angle is that remotely humorous? It’s pathetic that low-life d-bags like you hate on a 20 year old girl for living her dream and making so many fans over the world happy with her songs. What exactly has she done for you to wish such a thing? It would be nice if you guys spent so much time hating real criminals instead. You losers and your jealous…tsk tsk.
Lucy, UK says
An extremely funny article in my opinion! Well written and I’m glad I stumbled upon it. Will definitely be reading your future work.
T Brooks says
What a waste of a pretty face! She can sing me a lullaby anytime she wants eventhough I’m not sure it would be legal yet. Yes, now that I thin abouit it I’m sure Jake has the same keen perception as I do when it comes to miss Swift and it’s all wrong for the demographic he’s pursuing. Besides, he along with the rest of the Hollywood hunks, have found a new way to give back to the poor: whores!