God bless celebrity breakdowns. They’re so much fun to write about. Of course, you have to completely divorce yourself from your feelings to deal with it (aka sniggering without remorse), which has left hecklerspray numb and emotionless… but at least you get some lame and obvious jokes in return.
Causing mirth at the moment is Randy Quaid who has been squatting in a house and probably smearing his faeces up the walls.
Not content with holing himself up like a Branch Davidian, he’s now gone on the run and wants to seek asylum in Canada because he thinks that a shadowy group are trying to kill him. He says this because his friends have already been done in by this secret crack squad of “Hollywood star whackers”.
Quaid and his wife were arrested in Vancouver last week on US arrest warrants and were brought before an immigration hearing where the pair said they wanted to stay in Canada because they believe their “lives are in danger”.
Apparently, they’re at risk from a team of people who are going around killing famous people who are responsible for the recent deaths of several of Quaid’s actor chums, which include Heath Ledger and David Carradine.
So why are they after Randy Quaid then? He could kick you up the arse while shouting “I’m Randy Quaid!” and you probably wouldn’t know who he was.
Anyway, Quaid’s wife told the Immigration and Refugee Board hearing:
“We feel our lives are in danger.”
“Randy has known eight close friends murdered in odd, strange manners. We feel that we’re next.”
In fairness, she’s dead-on when she says that David Carradine’s death was particularly strange. Wanking and blue in a cupboard with shoe laces tied around his still twitching member. What a way to go!
The Quaids were released from custody on a big-ass bond, and their lawyer, Brian Tsuji, delivered a statement from the couple, saying:
“Yes, we are seeking asylum from Hollywood star whackers.”
He almost sounds resigned and embarrassed doesn’t he?
Quaid claims he has been persecuted for 20 years in the US. Or, quite possibly, not recognised very often compared to his younger bother, Dennis.
Anyway, we fully expect this imagined enemy to claim another life of someone more famous than Quaid, if of course, the ‘Hollywood star whackers’ is a euphemism for someone dying by taking too many drugs or furiously masturbating with a belt around their neck.
Best put Randy Quaid on suicide watch for now.