When Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack a month ago, she looked ready to blurt out a limitless amount of gormless excuses to prove her innocence.
She had millions of them – that it was the first time she'd bought crack, that she didn't even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We've been eagerly anticipating Tatum O'Neal's next excuse for weeks – would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her 'quack'? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn't wait.
And now we're sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O'Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That's OK for Tatum O'Neal we suppose, but why won't anyone think of us here? Where's our fun?
The E! network needs to stop pissing about with these halfhearted reality TV shows about the Lohans and get a camera crew down to the O'Neals' place as fast as possible. They sound like dynamite entertainment.
Would you watch a reality TV show about Lindsay Lohan's mother banging on about her youngest daughter's non-existent music career? No you wouldn't. But would you watch a reality TV show about a family who attack each other with guns and pokers because they keep tying each other to banisters like dogs? Of course you would. That'd be all you ever watched.
And,needless to say, the star of the show would be Tatum O'Neal. Why? Because she used to be married to John McEnroe until they divorced and her ginormous drug habit meant that she lost custody of her kids, for starters. But also because she can improvise like the best of them.
Last month, for example, Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack in a police sting operation. But, as quick as you like, Tatum O'Neal said that her dog died and that it reminded her of when her mother died from drug addiction and the depression from that made her want to take drugs again after a long period of abstinence and the police arrested her before she could get addicted again and, gosh, she was buying drugs? She really had no idea.
It was a virtuoso performance, but it was short-lived. Tatum O'Neal's conscience has finally kicked in and she's pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court. Still, that hasn't stopped the judge from absolutely throwing the book at her, as BBC News reports:
The Manhattan judge told the star her case would be dismissed providing she attends a drug treatment clinic. The actress will return to court on 4 September to prove that she has attended two half-day sessions.
Did we say book? We meant pamphlet. The judge threw the pamphlet at her. And 'threw' seems a bit strong, too. Let's just say that the judge passed Tatum O'Neal a pamphlet and be done with it, OK?
Still, we've always said that if anything can stop a recovering addict's constant longing for drugs, it's two half-day sessions at a drug treatment clinic. Somebody should probably tell Amy Winehouse.
Anyway, now that she's firmly on the straight and narrow once again, Tatum O'Neal can refocus on slowly rebuilding her place in the Hollywood elite. A few months of hard work and, who knows, perhaps she'll even reach the giddy heights of her one-off 2004 cameo appearance in a single episode of the soon-cancelled US sitcom 8 Simple Rules again. We can but dream.
Lee Grant says
Actually she has a role on the F/X hit show Rescue Me so her career ain’t half bad.
John says
Another example of celebs getting off scott free. These spinless judges would put me in jail in a second, but lets her off with a wrist slap. Justice………..huh
Mithaearon says
John I will do a social experment for you.
I am going to go out this weekend and try to score some crack and getting arrested for it. I will let you know the results although I fear you are probably right.
toolahroolahroolah says
Just tell the judge your dog died…
Mithaearon says
Study findings:
Went out tried to score some drugs, being it was in Chatham didn’t take long to find someone. Waited till I saw a copper to do it in front of. Got arrested before I had time to react. Copper heavy handed. Just about to be put in the van when I shouted:
"but I’m Pete Doherty", then remembered toolahroolahroolah comment and aded "and my dogs just died".
Got let off :P