Think about Will Smith in your piddling mind. Go on. Try. What are you thinking? That he seems like an inoffensively nice bloke. The kind of chap you could take home to mama and everything would be AOK?

WRONG! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? THE MAN IS CLEARLY A MONSTER!

How so? Well, you may have seen recently, that the cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air go back together for a nice reunion. One person wasn’t there. That person is Janet Hubert and she wants you all to know the truth about Will Smith and what a massive jerk he is. Honest. He’s nearly as bad as Lucifer himself. No, it’s nothing to do with his pop-rap career which blossomed with a WIKKIWILDWILDWEST.

Janet played the original Vivian Banks in the Fresh Prince, before getting fired for getting pregnant. Great work patriarchy. She spat to coffin chasers TMZ:

“There will never be a reunion as I will never do anything with an asshole like Will Smith.”

“He is still an egomaniac and has not grown up.”

It seems that former co-stars Tatyana Ali, Karyn Parsons, Alfonso Riberio and James Avery don’t think Will Smith is a massive demonic bozo. And who are we to believe? James Avery isn’t only Dad Phil in Fresh Prince, but he’s also the voice of Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Surely we all side with him?

Either was, Hubert still blames Smith for her 1993 mid-series departure from the show.

“This constant reunion will never ever happen in my lifetime unless there is an apology. He doesn’t know the word.”

Smith has before spoken about all this, once saying:

“She’s mad now but she’s been mad all along. She said once, ‘I’ve been in the business for 10 years and this snotty-nosed punk comes along and gets a show.’ No matter what, to her I’m just the AntiChrist.”

So there you have it. Will Smith. As evil as a box of goat hooves.

May 2012 will see the return of Men In Black in the imaginatively titled Men In Black 3. Once again, we’ll be seeing Will Smith ostensibly being The Fresh Prince: Still Has A Job With The Government and Tommy Lee Jones looking really, really old.

Of course, the first MIB was something of a light-relief puffpiece which was the remedy to the shade of loads of overbearing, dense sci-fi flicks… but now?

Well, it’s just nakedly nothing more than franchisism. Is their any point to a new Men In Black film? YES THERE IS. AND WE’LL HALF-HEARTEDLY TELL YOU WHY.

The first Men In Black was dumb fun, while the second one felt like it was a weak enough concept being stretched to breaking point.

MIB3 knows this, and as such, has decided to throw some time travel at the whole thing. Obviously Doctor Who’s growing popularity in the States hasn’t gone unnoticed.

Anyway, before we get going, you should totally watch the trailer.

You’ll be amazed at how minuscule your emotion response will be to it. There’ll be a faint flicker of feeling as it trundles past your eyes. Your brains will barely register the goings-on, until some bloke does a passable impression of a young Tommy Lee Jones.

So, now you’ve watched MIB3 trailer, you’re thinking ‘Gah, it doesn’t look dreadful… just… nothing,’ right? So what can we get excited about?

THE SONG WILL SMITH WILL QUITE OBVIOUSLY RELEASE YOU NITWIT!

Of course, the first MIB single sampled Patrice Rushen’s ‘Forget Me Nots’ (which is just brilliant). Will Smith kinda ruined it, but what with him being a big, dozy berk, you couldn’t hate him for it.

For MIB2, Smith released the semi-serious ‘Black Suits Comin” which is just terrible. Clearly an attempt at recreating the first-bell adrenaline rush of Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J. Alas, it was all something of an ill-advised squib.

So, what is Smith going to tackle this time? Surely he realises that he only ever caught the attention of the public when using a catchy, well-known song and spinning it into the MIB franchise?

He’s going to have to look for a disco or funk break isn’t he? Wild Wild West was a terrible film, but his sampling of Stevie Wonder’s ‘I Wish’ saw him bagging a chart monster. As such, he should totally sample Average White Band’s Pick Up The Pieces and retag it, ‘Blast ‘Em To Pieces’ or, work in something about ‘time pieces’ if the latest caper is all about time travel.

Yeah. We want a royalty on this.

What is Kevin Costner famous for? Well, he sang I Will Always Love You and said “back, and to the left” for five hours straight in JFK and… uh… he was in the terrible Waterworld. And that’s about it.

And now, getting the chance to redeem himself from such atrocities, he now being lamer than a horse sanctuary, wimping out of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’.

Thank god we’ve got Kurt Russell – a real man – to take his place. Whaddaguy!

Alas, this is only a rumour at the moment, but if it turns out to be true, then it would see Russell reuniting with Tarantino after they worked together on 2007′s Death Proof.

So what will Kurt be doing, now that Costner is being a filthy chump?

Well, Russell will take on the role of Ace, a vicious understudy to Leonardo DiCaprio’s bad guy plantation owner. Expect racist dialogue that will make you laugh guiltily.

It appears that Costner pulled out of Tarantino’s spaghetti western thanks to “scheduling conflicts.” That’s code for ‘I don’t think I’ve got the nuts to do a film that is in any way edgy, soz’.

And when can we see this flick?

Django Unchained is scheduled for release on Christmas Day 2012. Expect theatres to smell like sprout farts and sherry scented puke.

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The murky swamp of celebrity gossip has been threatening to drown Jada Pinkett-Smith or, at the very least, feed her to a float of hungry crocodiles with an agenda against the Wachowski Brothers.

After rumours emerged that her fame is almost completely linked to being Will Smith’s wife, Pinkett-Smith was under close scrutiny to prove that she could still get work without water-skiing the afore-mentioned swamp, using Mr Smith’s coattails to keep herself upright.

Pinkett-Smith, currently appearing in the widely panned but yet renewed TNT series ‘Hawthorne’, has said that she is grateful for the support of her husband.

The actress had been romantically linked to her co-star Marc Anthony despite the man looking like an interrupted child’s claymation representation of what a human being should look like. These rumours were strongly denied by both Anthony and Pinkett-Smith but then, if you were having an affair, you would deny rumours like that.

Of course, Jada doesn’t understand some really simple concepts surrounding marriage and therefore, one would imagine, she’s incapable of carrying on an affair with anyone without announcing it on a billboard.

It seems that one of Jada’s primary worries about divorce is having to raise the two kids- Jaden & Willow- on her own. We’re not sure if the star of “The Matrix films that no-one likes” has fully understood the concept of a divorce to be honest. In a recent interview with Bang, she said:

“Thank goodness they have a father and I don’t have to raise them alone. Having been raised by a single mother I’m very clear on what the difficulties of being raised by a single mother are.”

That’s fine, yeah. The kids do have a father. The two of them getting a divorce wouldn’t act as a magical child-repellant on Will Smith, making him forget about his responsibilities as a father and returning to Miami to get ‘jiggy wid it’ with a bevvy of attractive women in fluorescent bikinis. This isn’t the 90s!

“It’s very hard when you don’t have a male component in the home to create balance and help in the decision-making. Sometimes it’s nice to be able to just pass the ball, like, ‘Tag, you’re it, you got this one’.”

Again we feel compelled to point out that divorce isn’t the same as not having a father. Given that the kids seem to have fledgling acting and music careers thanks to the connections of their Dad, it seems that somebody might be trying to lay the groundwork for a custody battle. Probably someone doing interviews at Bang Showbiz.

Shit-stirring. We like that.

As well you know, Jennifer Lopez split up with her fella, Marc Anthony recently, and everyone was so shocked that the UN set up a helpline to stop us all from committing suicide in the streets. It really was an awful time.

It’s about to get worse.

See, Marc Anthony is not happy to just break one celebrity marriage now that he’s been reported to be “inappropriately close” to Jada Pinkett Smith – or, if you prefer, Will Smith’s wife. Oooooooh. Don’t mess with lovely Will Smith.

Apparently, during the filming of their television show HawthoRNe (nope, us neither), everyone spied on them before saying that they were acting very affectionately towards each other.

Almost too affectionate.

Some source from the set says (don’t try saying that if you’ve got a lisp):

“They were a little touchy and like they were in their own little world.”

It appears that these two adults spend time in Anthony’s trailer. Not only that, they ‘frequently talked’ and, worse still, ‘texted’ each other. Why, they may as well have full sex in-front of everyone the filthy buggers.

Of course, this has prompted reports that Will Smith and Jada have separated after 13 years of marriage.

In a joint statement, whipping their hair back and forth, they said:

“Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumours circulating about our relationship are completely false”

“We are still together, and our marriage is intact.”

And then Carlton did a funny dance for everyone while everyone dreamed of having sex with Will Smith, grabbing hold of his large ears while riding him like a stolen moped.

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Ex-Fresh Prince of Bel-Air star (and sod all else) Alfonso Ribeiro has been placed on high alert to answer inane questions about his infinitely more famous ex-colleague Will Smith’s marriage. This is the first time Alfonso has been hounded by paparazzi and reporters since he was accused of beating a supermodel to death after she supposedly called him a ‘miserable has-been’.

Alfonso won’t mind us including that completely fictional point there. It’ll keep his profile up.

It was alleged earlier this week that Will and Jada had separated, sparking a wave of hysterical nonchalance to spread around the world.

With reports suggesting that the couple had parted ways after 13 years of marriage, they were forced to release a joint statement insisting that they are “still together”. Perhaps going out for dinner together in full view of the paps might have been an easier way to do things but if they’re so unhappy in their marriage that they’d rather spend an evening in the company of a lawyer than one-another then who are we to judge?

Big Willy’s ‘Fresh Prince’ co-star Ribeiro was questioned by a photographer about his friend’s marriage on Wednesday as he left a Los Angeles eatery. It is not known whether or not the former star, famed for his portrayal of spoiled rich boy Carlton Banks, was doing his trademark ‘dance’ at the time but we assume he must have been given that the reporter managed to recognise him.

Ribeiro was quoted as saying:

“[Will and Jada are] not getting a divorce. They’re all good.”

It is thought that this is the biggest speaking role that Ribeiro has had in fifteen years.

Of course, we’re just kidding. Alfonso Ribeiro actually had his own show on the Game Show Network. He doesn’t any more. All we know is that he’s been going to restaurants. Decadent.

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The best ears in rap are coming back! Yep, you guessed it, Will Smith is to return to the mic to show those odiously gifted children of his how it should be done. No mucking about with Bieber, no whipping of hair. It’s all about making the friendliest hip hop since DJ Sven and MC Miker G.

Apparently, he’ll be working with someone called La Mar ‘Mars’ Edwards.

We can be thankful that didn’t read Bruno Mars who has the distinction of being the most punchable person on planet Earth right now. We’d like to punch Bruno Mars so hard that all that is left of him is a horrible little stain on our knuckles. But we’re talking about the lovable eared Will Smith. Aww. Ain’t he grand?

Not Bruno Mars told XXLMag.com:

“We’re working on Will Smith, bringing him back. That’s actually him on the other line right now.”

Imagine that! Imagine having Will Smith on the other line right now. How wonderful that must be to feel so important that you can stick him on hold so you can crow about having him on hold to other, less important people.

Of course, you’ll need no reminding that Will Smith has had a whole bunch of hits in our music parades, such as ‘Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It’, ‘Wild Wild West’, ‘Summertime’, ‘Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin’ Ta Fuck Wit”, ‘Copkiller’, ‘Penny Lane’, ‘Enter The Sandman’ and, of course, ‘U.G.L.Y.’

So what can we expect from this new LP? Well, if he freestyles, it might actually be rather good. No, honest.

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The Fresh Prince of Bel Air was the platform that launched Will Smith’s career and introduced an entire generation to the high-top fade and the fashion miracle that is a blazer that’s been turned inside out.

The show ended 15 years ago (and has subsequently been repeated more times than Friends) but one of the shows former stars, Tatyana Ali, who played Will’s cousin Ashley Banks, has confirmed that the original cast are in talks about doing a reunion.

We can’t help but wonder which Aunt Viv they’ll bring back though.

Now that everyone is a bit older, the classic opening title sequence might not seem as relevant, so we here at hecklerspray have taken it upon ourselves to pen a new set of lyrics to the Fresh Prince theme.

Now this is a story all about how,
Will Smith’s movie career turned upside down,
And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there,
We’ll use a cheap joke to tell you how he’s returning to Bel-Air.

In West Philadelphia born and raised,
In films like Ali was where Will spent most of his days,
Commanding massive box office, relaxing all cool,
Getting nominated for Oscars, he wasn’t no fool.

Then a couple of guys, thought it’d be a stitch,
To cast Big Willy in Hancock and Hitch,
The films bombed hard and his agent got scared,
And said, “we’re going to have to bring back the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”

The whole gang is back, despite all our fears,
That this is just an attempt to save their flagging careers,
If anything we think it just isn’t fair,
To ruin the memory of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

So pull up a chair, sit back and await,
For middle aged Will to shout, “Yo Homes, Smell ya later!”
Will Smith’s about to learn, to his despair,
That he will never escape the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

At least it’s better than the Wild Wild West theme.

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When Quentin Tarantino makes a movie, it is always interesting to see who he’ll cast. He plunders old b-movie actors and the like, putting them up against proper A-listers. He also clearly gets aroused over Uma Thurman’s massive feet, but that’s another story.

While we can’t guess where he’ll go for his cult actors, it appears that the big name attached to his new slavesploitation flick, Django Unchained, is the one and only Leonardo DiCaprio who weirdly can’t act and isn’t that good-looking anymore, but still seems to get gigantic roles.

Sadly, one name that has dropped out of the race is Will Smith who isn’t so keen on playing the title role of slave Django. Shame. It would’ve been interesting to see how the two would have worked together, so we guess we’ll just have to wait and see which action movie Smith with gurn in next.

Will Smith’s departure isn’t all bad though as Idris Elba is in the running and he’s excellent. Also being bandied about are the less excellent Jamie Foxx and Chris Tucker.

Anyway, we’re talking about pudding headed DiCaprio. So who will he be playing? Well, it seems that Leonardo’s character would be a “charming but ruthless” owner of club Candyland. Will DiCaprio be searching his soul and drawing on real-life experiences to drag out the performance of a lifetime?

He’ll be surrounded by female slaves who he uses as sex objects and surrounded by men who are forced to fight each other to the death. So you decided whether or not he’ll be drawing from personal experiences.

In other boring news, three-time Oscar-nommer Leonardo has quite a few dull films in the pipeline, set to star in in ‘J. Edgar’ as J. Edgar and he’s also going to star in ‘The Great Gatsby’.

The thought of him surrounded by ultra-violence, sex and a great soundtrack is much more appealing AND it’ll enable us to finally see what the point of DiCaprio actually is.

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Despite being roughly 3 minutes old, Willow Smith is already more talented, more fun and more wealthy than you could ever hope to be. When she becomes an adult, she’s probably going to be attractive too. We should just all throw ourselves into the sea.

When you were her age, you probably spent most of your time switching between playing with toys and wiping bogeys down the side of your bed.

Well, when Willow isn’t delivering the most infectious pop record in yonks, she’s got her eye on the movies too. Makes you sick with jealousy, doesn’t it?

The latest thing being linked to the most talented child on Earth is a big remake. That’s right kiddiekins, Will Smith is apparently trying to make a new version of musical flick ‘Annie’ and, of course, he doesn’t need to look further than his daughter Willow for a leading gal.

Of course, a new ‘cod-ghetto’ version of Annie makes a whole buncha sense and will probably shift box office tickets by the barrow load. Young girl singing her way through life in an orphanage? Jay Z version of Hard Knock Life? Christ. We can see this being a monstrous hit.

Will wants to produce the project and yep, Jay-Z is reported to be working on the music. Ladies and gentlemen, Willow Smith is on the cusp of becoming so famous that it’ll feel like her face is tattooed on the inside of your eyelids, just so you can see her while you sleep.

Willow has previous in the movie world, appearing with her pa in ‘I Am Legend’ as well as the voice of Baby Gloria in animated movie ‘Madagascar 2′.

This also gives us the chance to listen to ‘Whip My Hair’ again. Any excuse really.

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As humans, we get bored very easily. As such, we’re prone to idly making things fight each other. Cockerels, pitbulls, those insects at the start of Enter The Dragon… and of course, celebrities.

A few years ago, we threw coins at the feet of Ricky Gervais and Grant Bovey and made them punch each other ’til they pathetically wheezed up phlegm from their tear ducts.

Now, some people with more money than tact want to get Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg and make them punch each other ’til either we decide that one of them has arbitrarily ‘won’ or the other can’t feel their legs anymore.

This harebrained scheme has been hatched up by Damon Feldman, the head of the Hollywood Boxing Federation, who has offered Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg $1million each to punch each other in the eye-socket.

Of course, neither of these people particularly need a million in their back pocket because they’re already obscenely wealthy. However, if you whisper that the money could go to charity in their ears, then they might be game. And of course, many slebs use charity as a nice little tax-dodge, so there’s another incentive.

Naturally, some simpletons are already confusing reality with fiction and are looking at the fact that both of these people have appeared in boxing films and could really offer a scrap worth watching. We, meanwhile, are simply thinking of saucy puns on the word ‘ring’.

Wahlberg, if this were to go ahead, would be in better nick, as he’s just done ‘The Fighter’, where we trained from 4am with gloves and a speed-bag, sparring with three fighters during the shoot.

He said:

“I spent more money paying my trainers and having them travel with me than I got paid, by a good half a million dollars”

So Mark would whup Will Smith’s arse?

Not likely. The Hollywood Boxing Federation hasn’t exactly got a good track record at attracting big names to the ring. Screech from Saved By The Bell has been one of the more famous people they’ve showcased. Yes. Screech Powers – the man who had something of a renaissance after the world puked up every organ after hearing he had a leaked sex tape knocking about.

So there you have it. Reporting on something that is never going to happen in a million years.

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Rumours of tension on the set of Men In Black 3 have been dismissed by someone whose job it is to ensure rumours of on-set tension are dismissed regardless of their validity. The sequel, which is the filmic equivalent of a cry for help from Will Smith’s career was due to start shooting recently, but has been delayed to later in the year.

Rumours had been flying around of a disagreement between director Barry Sonnenfeld and Smith over the script. If most of Sonnenfeld’s post-MIB films have been anything to go by, then on behalf of the Western world we would like to thank the not-so-fresh prince for voicing his concerns.

We don’t know Barry Sonnenfeld, and are unlikely to as he’s a rich film director living in a Hollywood mansion whilst we are vindictive, insecure blogger types typing malevolently in a semen-spattered bedsit.

However, we do know that Will Smith is clearly one of the loveliest people on Earth and therefore anyone that can have an argument with him must a proper bastard. What’s Sonnenfeld going to do next? Rape a smurf? Set fire to Dave Grohl? Cast Smith is a massive flop set in the Wild West involving a giant spider?

Anyway, we at Hecklerspray hope they sort out their differences, because if there’s one thing that is always reliable, it’s the ‘long-awaited sequel’. They’re never disappointing affairs with stars that look not so much like older, but creepier versions of themselves.

Not that there are any differences between the director and star as the Sony Pictures representative has made completely clear:

“The only reason production will begin in mid-November as opposed to late October is to take advantage of recent changes affecting New York State film incentives. Suggesting that a disagreement triggered the shift is complete fiction.”

Possibly, but a complete fiction more entertaining than his Sonnenfeld’s RV.*

* = his Robin Williams starring-comedy, not his actual RV. If indeed he has one.

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What were you doing when you were nine years old? Playing with Lego? Revising for a GCSE? Picking your nose and eating it?

If any of those suggestions bring back horrible memories of what you got up to before discovering masturbation, congratulations, you are normal. Well, sort of normal. You’re normal when compared to the insanely over-confident children that are only bred in Hollywood but rest assured, you’re still pretty weird.

We’re trudging up your horrible childhood because once again, Will and Jada Smith have decided to roll out one of their spawn into the cruel world of entertainment thus setting up their entire future of being told how shit they are. We’re already quite used to Jaden Smith, who at the age of 12 has already racked up a few successful movie roles and co-starred in a Justin Bieber video. Ooooh, get him! Very successful and not even a teenager as the rest of us try to make a dinner out of the scraps left in the cupboard whilst using our now useless degree certificate as a plate.

But that’s not good enough for Will and Jada. Oh no. Now they’re unleashing their youngest child onto the world of music as an American mini-mohawked version of Rihanna but with less history of domestic abuse and hopefully more clothes. Well, she is only nine. Great, now we can’t get the image of Willow thrusting her leotarded, fishnetted crotch in our faces but then again, it’s only a matter of time isn’t it? Just kill us before that happens.

Anyway, she’s released her first single and now news has hit that she’s been signed by Jay-Z‘s record label. Here’s what the loon had to say about her in a press release:

“It’s rare to find an artist with such innate talent and creativity at such a young age. Willow is about to embark on an incredible journey and we look forward to joining her as she grows in all aspects of her career.”

Are you throwing up in your mouth yet? No? Give this a read:

“I believe that you have to start somewhere. When you have that sort of talent and you have that sort of vision then there is no such thing as too young. Again, I heard the record without knowing who it was, it’s a hit record! If you listen to anyone, if you listen to any comments, everyone says that they can’t believe, as adults, that they like a record that is made by a 9 year old. But we all dance to Michael Jackson records from when he was 8 years old.”

We don’t want to be one of those people who slag off innocent kids from behind the comfort of our own laptop screens (YOU SUCK JUSTIN BIEBER!) but if she wants to make our ears bleed with some auto-tuned rubbish, we can’t be held responsible for our own actions. Besides, they’ve compared her to Michael Jackson and he turned out great. Uh-oh…

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Good on you Hollywood. You could have just done a remake of The Karate Kid, but that wouldn’t be awful enough.

Oh no. You had to let Will Smith‘s son be in it. But that wouldn’t have been awful enough either, would it? So you had to let Justin Bieber do the theme-tune, didn’t you? But then even that wouldn’t have quite been awful enough either, would it? That’s why you had to let Will Smith’s son do a rap in it.

That’s right – the Jaden Smith-starring Karate Kid remake has a Justin Bieber theme-tune that Jaden Smith raps on. And we’ve got the video to this Justin Bieber/ Jaden Smith catastrophe, entitled Never Say Never, after the jump. Proceed with maximum caution…

Before we start, here’s the video to Never Say Never, by Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith. Watch it, why don’t you:

Now don’t pretend that you actually watched that all the way through – after all, it’s a Justin Bieber song that features the rapping talents of Will Smith’s son and has been released to promote a drastically unnecessary remake of The Karate Kid. It’s OK. We don’t blame you. But luckily we’ve broken the video down for you. Thank us later.

Never Say Never scene 1

As you can see here, the Never Say Never video has been given the theme of The First Season Of The Wire Acted Out By Infant Lesbians.

Never Say Never scene 2

We were originally going to base this piece on the stupidest faces that Justin Bieber pulled throughout the duration of the video. However, it appears that he’s had the ability to express emotions with his face bred out of him. So hopefully this will do. Sorry.

Never Say Never scene 3

Jaden Smith is 11 years old, so try not to hate him too much for doing this. Let’s make a deal – we’ll come back in five years and if Jayden Smith is still doing the same repugnant smug collar flick thing, then we can hate him, OK?

Never Say Never scene 4

No, Jackie Chan! We said you can start hating him in five years! Don’t snap his spine in half now! You terrible man!

Never Say Never scene 5

The five-year plan still stands, even though Jaden Smith is clearly pushing his luck by doing the Arsehole Fingerpoint move here. He’s young. He doesn’t know any better. Keep telling yourself that.

Never Say Never scene 6

In case you don’t understand the language, this is the Chinese symbol for ‘Hurry up and stop singing because you’re giving me a real fucking headache here’. Jackie Chan can be a real bastard sometimes, you know.

Never Say Never scene 7

And here, at the close of the video, Justin Bieber realises that he’s been comprehensively out-obnoxioused by Jaden Smith over the course of his own music video, and does a karate kick to compensate. Fortunately it works. Obnoxiousness restored.

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If there’s one thing Hecklerspray’s always hated it’s getting third degree burns all over our body after sitting too close to an exploding easy-bake oven.

If there’s another thing Hecklerspray hates it’s including Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in any potential Goonies sequels – unless of course one of them is playing a revamped Sloth. Smoosh Smith’s right eye way down, get him a chubby boy to fall in love with – and in all likelihood you’d got yourself some Oscar nods.

Speaking of which – you know how Josh Brolin was in Goonies? Well that allows us an awkward tie-in to Men In Black 3.

When Men in Black II ended, Will Smith got turned into a statue by a shiny black half-robot and Tommy Lee Jones had just learned he was fathered by Gollum. That last part was in a very sexy flashback scene. It involved a dozen roses, a fish dinner and Mimi from the Drew Carey show.

It was truly a tremendous plot – and it payed off too. Not really though. Really it tanked.

That may not be accurate either. All we know is a third in the franchise is being made – and this one stars the guy from Goonies that stole Troy’s girl. We know – we’ll never trust him again either.

The LA Times has the scoop:

“With “No Country for Old Men,” “Milk,” “W.,” and, of course, “The Goonies” on his resume, Brolin’s filmography speaks for itself. Now he may be adding “Men in Black 3″ to that estimable list. The actor is being considered for a role that would have him donning the black suit and shades for the third installment of the sci-fi comedy franchise. His exact part is a matter of discussion, but in recent days there’s been chatter in Hollywood development circles of a few possibilities: He could play a new single-monikered government agent, with Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K passing the baton to Brolin’s character. Or he could play Agent K as a young man. Or something else entirely.”

That sounds like a terrible movie. Any film synopsis with no mention of magic bears, racecars or unicorns should be sprayed down with the business end of a sick pig. Even so – they’ll probably go through with filming anyway.

Lucky us, eh?

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