Everyone likes Will Smith. Christ, we can’t think of anyone who doesn’t love this not so fresh-faced rascal.

Since growing up, Will Smith has taken on a variety of film roles. In Men In Black he saved the world from aliens. Likewise, Independence Day saw him repeat the same heroic feat. Come to think of it, didn’t the same thing kind of happen in I Am Legend?

Taking a step back from this extra terrestrial creature stuff, Will wants to make an appearance on Eastenders. Quite likely to save Albert Square from Pat Butcher.

Seeing Will Smith materialise on EastEnders would be like seeing Lily Savage make an appearance on Lost. On paper it just simply wouldn’t work. However, after much tinkering around with the script, even the most traditional of scenes could be twisted to make us, the slobby viewer, believe it’s totally normal. Stranger stuff has happened however. Loose Women has amazingly survived ten years on our screens despite being utterly shit.

If the scriptwriters of EastEnders happen to be reading this, then we’d like to take you through some of the ideas that we’ve bashed out. Using our brief knowledge of the BBC flagship soap, we think that a popular Hollywood actor could boost ratings. Only by a bit, mind.

1 – Will Smith takes over The Queen Vic. Instead of it being the grotty pub we know and love, that crazy American takes full ownership and converts it in to a bar. Say bye-bye to draft beers and pork scratchings. Instead, everything comes with packs of pretzels and beef jerky to wash your bottle of Bud Light down with. Don’t think of causing any fights in Will’s new bar. Trouble won’t be sorted out with the usual high-pitched shrieks. Instead, he’ll use the gun behind the bar.

2 – The park in EastEnders is pretty gash at the minute. There’s a bench in remembrance of Arthur Fowler and that’s about it. Apart from a walkway, some grass and a scattering of dog poo. Using his masters degree of gardening from Stanford University, Will aims to lead a community project in to making a ghetto out of the ghetto. Rival gangs can have their own patch of turf to use residents as a target range.

3 – Charlie Slater has a black cab which he never seems to use any more. Hooking up with his hip-hop homeboy Tim Westwood, Will takes away the keys and pimps up the vehicle. A fat sound system here and some 50-inch tyres will make any motorists want to bow down and kiss the exhaust pipe. And make Albert Square a hotspot for boy racers.

So what draws Will Smith to EastEnders? Digitalspy reports:

“It was so real and gritty. American soaps are all about the beautiful people and being cheesy. This soap had everything. There was fighting, people sleeping around – it had it all going on! I’m a bit busy but when things quieten down I’d love to do a cameo. I could make a big entrance in the pub, as you guys call it, and be like, ‘Hey, girl let’s take this outside’.”

Calling Phil Mitchell a girl? Possibly not the wisest of choices there Will. Before you could harp on about America, the goons will have moved in and you’ll be forced to eat the crap that Ian Beale makes from the café.

And that thing you call an acting career would probably die. We’re just saying.

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Remember Seven Pounds?

Oh, you know, Seven Pounds. It was that Will Smith movie that you didn’t go and see because a) the title of the movie didn’t explain anything about it, b) the movie poster didn’t explain anything about it, c) the movie trailer didn’t explain anything about it and d) it seemed like a rip-off of 21 Grams, a film so unrelentingly bleak that we genuinely surprised ourselves by not smothering ourselves to death 20 minutes in.

Anyway, Seven Pounds is coming out on DVD soon, and after the jump there’s a featurette that actually explains what the film is about. Kind of.

9 – Guess what Samuel L Jackson’s TV edit of his famous Snakes On A Plane line is. Guess a million times. You’ll still be wrong – Bestweekever

8 – A bunch of celebrity photos that are odd, to say the least - PopEater

7 – Harry Potter: now with Hermione in an uncomfortably sexy dress – Popsugar

6 – Headlines we didn’t really expect to see: ‘I Breastfeed My Father’ - Yahoo

5 - I’m So Bad At Sex Dot Com. You’ll thank us for this one – Imsobadatsex

4 – Masturbation: the FACTS! UGH! – Psychologytoday

3 – A list of the worst action stars of all time. Jay Leno is number one - Popcrunch

2 - So we’ve decided to save you some legwork and find a clip of it on YouTube. On reflection, we agree with his inclusion in the list – YouTube

1 – If anyone ever asks you what the internet is, this video is probably the perfect distillation…

Stinking bags of bumheap like Hancock. Anything. And because of this – plus the way that Will Smith will promote his films by going on every single TV show and laughing so loudly and over-sincerely that he seems like an escaped murderer – that Forbes has called Will Smith the world’s most bankable star.

So congratulations to Will Smith. And equal congratulations Tatyana Ali from Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, who has been name as the 1,268th most bankable star. Keep living the dream Tatyana!

If you want to get a movie made in Hollywood, you need to get a star attached. And, by and large, the bigger star you get the more money you’ll make. And at the moment, if you want your movie to make more money than anything else, you need Will Smith.

Will Smith has it all – charm, charisma, drive, adequate rapping skills, suspiciously close links to the Church Of Scientology – and that’s why audiences love him. And because of this, Forbes magazine has just named Will Smith as the most banakable star in the world. How did Forbes get to this conclusion? Let’s ask it, shall we:

When ranking each actor, voters were asked to consider a number of elements regarding the actor’s participation in a film as they applied in the market at the time of the survey. Criteria used were: The amount of financing that flows to a project is significantly determined by the individual actor’s presence in a film.The individual actor’s presence in a film guarantees theatrical distribution. The individual actor’s presence significantly drives the film’s theatrical box-office performance…

This goes on, by the way. And on. We didn’t scroll to the end, but we think it might literally go on forever. Anyway, it’s just a fancy-schmancy way to say that Will Smith is powerful enough to get any movie he wants made, whether it’s an edgy superhero movie like Hancock, a thoughtfully conceptual drama like Seven Pounds or the worst idea in the entire history of mankind like the forthcoming Old Boy remake.

However, just because you can get a film made doesn’t necessarily mean that people will go and watch it. Other than Will Smith, the top five most bankable stars are Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Leonardo DiCaprio - who, between them, have recently made box office deadweights like The Changeling, The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford and Body Of Lies.

So, without wanting to play down Will Smith’s achievements here, it does seem that as soon as an actor gets a sniff off success, they suddenly seem to think that they can change the world by making movies about Serious Issues. It’s true with Will Smith, it’s true with Leonardo DiCaprio and – as soon as next year’s Paul Blart Saves Darfur movie is released – it’ll be true with Kevin James.

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9 - We all like rubbishy superheroes, don’t we? Here’s some – OMGlists

8 - Read the Christmas stories of people you don’t even care about – Popsugar

7 – Will Smith’s not a Scientologist or anything. He just likes to leave big tips for the silliest religious he can find - Huffingtonpost

6 - Remember that list of bad guitar solos from a week or two ago? Well here’s 100 of the sods – Guitarworld

5 - Want to meet the world’s greatest four-year-old? Then be our guest – Best Week Ever

4 - Six reasons why we may have woken up in a genuinely furious mood this morning – Divinecaroline

3 - A moderately funny video blasted into the realms of humanity by the inclusion of a Yakkety Sax soundtrack – I Am Bored

2 - A slideshow of all known Keanu Reeves facial expressions. SPOILER: it’s not a very long slideshow – NYmag

1 - Live in America? Watch the entire first episode of Flight Of The Conchords season 2. And then tell us what it’s like. Stupid America-only videos – Funnyordie

Up until then our chief method for falling asleep at night was to lay there with our eyes closed and sweetly picture Daniel-san kicking Johnny in the teeth. After that we’d always picture him arm-whipping the bad guy from Okinawa to death, and after that we always pictured him literally biting the head off of whoever was the bad guy in Karate Kid III.

That’s not actually how the third one ended, likely due to faulty scriptwriting.

But if you thought it was bad when swank donned Mr. Miagi’s karate school patch, well it’s about to get worse. Will Smith’s kid – whatever his name is – is all set to star in a Karate Kid remake. We don’t know, maybe we’ll try falling asleep to the mental imagery of that little kid beating people up… but that seems like a pretty slippery slope if you catch our meaning.

Stupid Hollywood has been in remake mode of late. George Clooney’s doing the Birds, an all new 90210 has recently been crammed down our necks with promises that Melrose Place will soon follow, and Denzel Washington is going to star in a scene by scene live-action duplicate of Wall-E.

A bit soon for that one, don’t you all think?

Yeah, that’s not true. Another remake stumbling forward through a very congested Hollywood pipeline is the Karate Kid. It’s supposed to be the exact same movie except Jada Pinkett Smith stars as Ralph Macchio. They’ve hired the same kid to play Johnny, Elizabeth Shue will be reprising her role, and the corpse of Pat Morita will be re-animated by multiple string-yanking puppeteers and a voice over.

What’s that now? It’s not Pinkett-Smith? Its her kid? Come again? Help us understand, Variety.com:

“Columbia Pictures is back in the dojo with a new version of the 1984 hit “The Karate Kid,” which has been refashioned as a star vehicle for Jaden Smith…The script is being written by Chris Murphy, and the film will shoot next year in Beijing and other cities. While the new film will be set in that exotic locale, it will borrow elements of the original plot, wherein a bullied youth learns to stand up for himself with the help of an eccentric mentor.”

Well it sounds like it’ll be a fine movie as long as we don’t have to watch it. But you should all know that we don’t think its completely pointless. We have some recommended ways to make it really good. For instance, if you’re already borrowing from Karate Kid, why not rape some other classics as well.

They should include the scene where Dorothy’s house crushes that wicked witch, that’d probably be good. And that scene where Scarface is spitting bullets while mumbling something about greeting his gun, that would be a solid inclusion too. Throw in a part where Willow makes the baby disappear, a scene where Chunk loves Sloth, and maybe a Care Bear-stare or two – and you’ve got yourself a film for the ages.

Way to go Jaden Smith. That’s quite an impressive future resume.

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And that’s because, as part of Hollywood’s ongoing quest to take every movie that you’ve ever enjoyed and smear a big layer of stupid right across it, it’s thought that Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are all set to team up on a remake of the Korean revenge drama Old Boy.

Nobody knows for sure why Steven Spielberg and Will Smith want to take something as stylish and critically acclaimed as Old Boy and ruin it with a needless remake, but the word on the street is that it’s down to how many things rhyme with Old Boy – like ‘Mould Toy’, ‘Cold Ploy’ and ‘Bold Joy’. That way it’s much easier for Will Smith to rap about it when he comes to record the new Old Boy theme-tune, you see.

Of all the movies that Hollywood is prepared to muck up with a big budget remake, we never assumed that Old Boy would be one of them. That’s because we thought that its themes of incest, mutilation and live octopus-eating would be too risque for any actor or director to commit to.

That goes to show what we know, because it turns out that the world’s biggest director wants to remake Old Boy with the world’s biggest moviestar. That’s right, get ready for Old Boy as reimagined by Steven Spielberg and Will Smith. Variety reports:

Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are in early discussions to collaborate on a remake of Chan Wook-park’s “Oldboy.” DreamWorks is in the process of securing the remake rights. Spielberg had been looking for an opportunity to make a film with Smith, who would play the kidnapped man if all the pieces fall into place. Spielberg is looking for a writer to begin the development process.

Now, look, sometimes it’s OK for Hollywood to remake an Asian movie or two – Martin Scorsese ended up actually improving on Infernal Affairs, and winning an Oscar in the process, when he made The Departed – but remakes of everything from The Ring to The Grudge to Hole In The Wall prove that it isn’t always a good idea.

Maybe Steven Spielberg and Will Smith will prove us wrong with this Old Boy remake – it’s already guaranteed to big a big-hitter at the box office, after all, given Spielberg’s reputation and Will Smith’s uncanny knack for opening any old piece of nonsense, even Hancock. But we still have our doubts.

And that’s mainly to do with the ending. The ending of the original Old Boy is upsetting, irreversible and subtly enigmatic. But if Steven Spielberg and Will Smith know anything, it’s how to muck up an ending beyond comparison.

So maybe people will watch it, but we’re not sure if an Old Boy that ends with Will Smith sewing his tongue back on and somehow saving the planet from a giant robot spider is probably the way to go.

Yes, the Fresh Prince has taken most of his time in-between promoting Hancock defending himself from rabid media types hurling these accusations at him.

We at hecklerspray feel very sorry for Will, so we’re starting a ‘Help Will Smith Fund’ where we will collect aluminium cans and sell them at local scrap yards to raise funds to help young Willy defend himself…

What’s that? He earned how much?! Oh. Well sod him then.

Yes, poor old Will will have to console himself with the fact that he’s only managed to be the highest earning Hollywood type of the last year, bringing home around $80 million clams (around 40 million British clams) for Jada Pinkett and the rest of the family. It will be hard, we’re sure, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Light made out of money, most likely. In a tunnel forged from gold-laced platinum.

We’re not ones to be jealous, nor are we ones to judge – much – but in this case we’re jealous and we may just have to judge ol’ big Willie. It is interesting to see that his alleged affiliations with Scientology haven’t harmed his career in any way – the box office performance of Hancock is testament to that. Even ignoring the huge success of the man and his movies, the performance of Hancock has even gone so far as to be record-breaking – Smitty has managed eight movies in a row grossing more than $100,000,000. That’s one hundred million dollars. More than. Eight times. In a row.

Crikey.

So really – what does Will Smith have to do to fail? What cock up does he have to make before people decide they don’t like him any more? He’s tried bankruptcy, berating an old woman’s driving ability, a failed marriage, cussing Eminem, Men In Black II and possibly being one of those crazy Scientology types, and nothing has made the ever-hating public dislike him. In any way. Ever.

Maybe his constant appearances at the top of rich lists will change all this? Maybe not. Hecklerspray has bore witness to many popular celebrities over the years that have achieved something of a massive fall from grace, normally due to them earning vast amounts of money. Case in point – will anyone openly admit to liking Mike Myers (also in the top five rich list) any more? Thought not. Go back to the early/mid nineties and he was much-loved. This scientific theory doesn’t seem to apply to Will Smith though, and frankly it’s hurting our giant mind.

Maybe it’ll have to be something drastic, like threatening his mum and sister (allegedly), or… errm… getting pregnant underage…

Wow – this horse really is easy to flog when it’s dead!

Things start promisingly with Will bucking trend as the foul-mouthed, alcoholic, reluctant superhero Hancock. Jumping straight into an action sequence, the opening is a funny, action-packed start of what seems to be an original take on the currently strong superhero genre.

Although it is obviously naive to think that the million dollar man Smith would star in a film as a character with few redeeming features, so the obvious turn around comes with the help of PR guru Ray who, after being saved by Hancock, insists on helping him turn his image around into a loveable crime fighter. Although the path is never smooth, Hancock’s attitude turns out not to be the only problem as Mary (Charlize Theron) puts a spanner in the works.

Even with the entrance of Ray, Hancock still remains an enjoyable film, focusing more on the comedy than the action until around the mid point when dramatic weight sinks in and it turns into a drama and then finally finishes on what is a strange cliche superhero action sequence.

Will Smith, though, manages to come out unscathed, carrying the film on his muscular shoulders. It’s clear in the earlier scenes of Hancock and his destructive personality that Smith is really enjoying himself and it shines through into his performance.

Jason Bateman plays the straight man role which is a disappointment, as anyone who has ever watched Arrested Development would know that the man is a thoroughbred of comedy acting. Nevertheless he manages to inject some humour into the role and becomes the most consistent element of the movie.

As the film gets into its second half it starts to become more of a drama, with Hancock reflecting about who he is and his place in the world. Affecting as the drama is, it’s a disappointment that the comedy subsides, stopping the film from becoming a funny summer romp that the advertising promised it to be.

The final sequence goes someway to cement this fact; with a lack of central villain, some characters are thrown into the mix just for an uninspiring final action scene to finish the film off in typical comic book movie style.

Hancock serves as a decent but flawed entry into a busy summer of big blockbusters and superhero movies, and ends up as neither a successful satire of the genre nor a strong entry into it. There’s a lot to like, but it’s a shame to see such an original concept run out of steam after just 45 minutes. You could do worse for a night out at the cinema but Hancock unfortunately flies into mediocrity.

[story by David A. Scarborough]

Exhibit A: Hancock is number one in the US weekend box office. And, considering that Hancock's a movie which contains a scene about one man physically pushing another man's head into a third man's rectum, that's actually quite impressive.

Hancock's weekend box office success just furthers his incredible run of movies that are wildly popular despite not being especially great - I Am Legend, The Pursuit Of Happyness, Hitch, I, Robot, Men in Black II, Bad Boys II. A couple more of these babies under his belt and he might even beat the record currently held by Adam Sandler.

This summer is clearly the summer of being clobbered over the head with superhero movies until we're all lying semi-conscious in a pool of our own blood pleading with Hollywood to stop. Iron Man, Batman, The Incredible Hulk – even noted superhuman crimefighters Abba have a movie out this summer. And now even Will Smith's got in on the act with Hancock.

And you have to admit that Hancock getting to be number one at the weekend box office is more down to Will Smith's charisma as an actor than anything else. It's mildly staggering to think that a dark comedy about a world-hating superhero of no fixed abode could be so successful, but imagine if it was a dark comedy about a world-hating superhero of no fixed abode starring Nicolas Cage. It wouldn't stand a bloody chance, would it? Here's this week's US weekend box office top five…

1 - Hancock (After denying that the acts of handing out free Scientology personality test vouchers to the Hancock crew and opening a school where Scientologist teachers teach a Scientologist curriculum make him a Scientologist, Will Smith faces another rough ride when his next movie Will Smith Stares Into A Camera And Repeats The Phrase 'I Am A Scientologist' For Two Hours is released later in the year) $66,000,000

2 - Wall-E (Wall-E's continued box office success now makes him the second most excitement-provoking robot of all time, after that time our entire family walked in on us humping our Roomba) $33,417,000

3 - Wanted (For a film about physics-defying ultra-assassins, Wanted's got a bit of a crap name, hasn't it? According to IMDb it's actually the 19th film to be named Wanted, and none of the other 18 sound particularly thrilling. Let's hope that nobody in the future confuses this Wanted with the 13-minute German Wanted or the 1983 Bollywood Wanted. It's easily done, you know) $20,607,000

4 - Get Smart (Get Smart has now utterly outclassed The Love Guru in the lame summer comedy movie stakes, with the latter still only halfway to making its money back. If only Mike Myers had made a spy spoof first) $11,125,000

5 - Kung Fu Panda (A computer animated movie about funny animals starring famous actors? What a great idea – why didn't anyone think of this first?) $7,500,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

Which is why he's decided to open a brand new private school to give the youth of today the best shot at a high quality education. Will Smith's New Village Academy is set to open in September. And it definitely isn't a Scientologist school, OK?

True, some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school might just happen to be Scientologists, but that hasn't got anything to do with anything. And, yes, the school's curriculum will be based on Scientologist instructional models developed by L Ron Hubbard himself, but that doesn't make it a Scientologist school either. However, the giant, golden rotating statue of Xenu in the playground could well make it look like a Scientologist school. Just joking!

The thing we like best about Will Smith is that he definitely isn't a Scientologist. Definitely not. It'd hurt his career to be a Scientologist, just like it hurt the career of Tom Cruise and, um, the mouthy woman out of King Of Queens, or something.

No, we like Will Smith, like we like our coffee – sceptical about notions that the human race was created because a giant alien dropped an atom bomb into volcano from a golden spaceship shaped like a jumbo jet.

You see, Will Smith definitely isn't a Scientologist. That time he defended Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology was just a display of loyalty to a friend of his who'd been bullied by the media. And that time he gave all the Hancock crew a free voucher for a Scientology personality audit was just a display of being too cheap to buy real them real gifts that they'd ever use. None of this is any suggestion that Will Smith is into Scientology.

And just because Will Smith has founded a private school where Scientologist teachers teach students a set of Scientologist values invented by Scientologist Jesus-figure L Ron Hubbard, it… wait, that does make him sound like kind of a Scientologist, doesn't it?

Of course it doesn't. We know this because Will Smith has indirectly said so himself. The Los Angeles Times reports:

[School head Jacqueline] Olivier responded to written questions about the school submitted through Will Smith's publicist. She said some staff members are Scientologists and others are Muslim, Christian or Jewish. The school has no religious affiliation, she said. "We are a secular school and just like all non-religious independent schools, faculty and staff do not promote their own religions at school or pass on the beliefs of their particular faith to children," Olivier said.  

OK, so Jacqueline Oliver has a point. Just because some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school are Scientologists, it doesn't automatically make Will Smith a Scientologist as well. That'd be like saying that because a number of girls were systematically sexually abused at Oprah Winfrey's private school, Oprah Winfrey is a child abuser. We think. That comparison might not actually hold up to too much scrutiny, so let's move on.

And besides, so what if Will Smith's new school is just a paper-thin facade to churn out a production line of fresh-faced young Scientologists? It's not really any of our business if it is. Plus, let's not forget that every new Scientologist who graduates from Will Smith's school will be expertly qualified to help anyone who's trapped in the wreckage of a horrific car crash, even more so than paramedics. Isn't that a good thing? Isn't it?

And that person is Connor Cruise, Tom Cruise’s very own son. According to reports, Connor Cruise is all set to play baby Will Smith in the upcoming drama Seven Pounds which, since it stars Will Smith, is probably about an overfamiliar man with a slightly too loud laugh saving the world with his top off somehow.

Hopefully this is just Connor Cruise’s first step in taking on the family business. If his role in Seven Pounds is a success then who know, in a few years Connor Cruise might become the biggest, most powerful movie star in the world, only to fart it away by loudly vocalising his devotion to a nutty religion that some people claim preys on the weak. It’s what his daddy would want.

Now that Tom Cruise has Suri Cruise and Nicole Kidman has her own unborn baby brewing away up her guts, poor old Connor Cruise hasn’t been getting the attention he used to enjoy.

Sure, for a while after Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorced Connor Cruise could play them off each other for material gain, but that was a long time ago and now all he’s left with is anonymity and the weird sense of not knowing whether to be repulsed or aroused when he watches Eyes Wide Shut because although that’s his parents doing it onscreen, they’re just his adopted parents and that never really stopped Woody Allen did it.

But our imagined spiral of Connor Cruise’s self-disgust ends right now, because he’s gone and got himself a job. No, not a job delivering newspapers or sweeping chimneys or unblocking jammed waste disposal units with his little hands like you had when you were 13 years old – Connor Cruise is going to be in a major movie. And, as People reports, he’s going to be playing the role of Tom Cruise’s best-ever friend:

Following in his parents’ footsteps, Connor Cruise will make his film debut in the upcoming Will Smith drama Seven Pounds, PEOPLE has learned. Connor, 13 – who has grown up around movie sets with mom Nicole Kidman and dad Tom Cruise – will play a young version of Smith in a very minor role. Even with such famous acting mentors in his corner, Connor had to audition for the part. “Tom is so proud of Connor,” says a source. “He’s proud of him for really doing this on his own.”

Yeah, and we’re sure all the other failed auditionees took the news perfectly well when they learnt that, in the fair and unbiased selection process that they’d spent weeks preparing for, the role ended up going to the son of the man who introduced the movie’s star to the wonders of Scientology.

Anyway, we’re certain that Connor Cruise’s casting in Seven Pounds hasn’t got a darkly sinister streak of religious nepotism running through it at all. Connor Cruise probably just had the most amount of experience. Remember that his parents are both famous movie stars, and the childhood that Connor spent on the sets of huge movies like War Of The Worlds, Minority Report and Moulin Rouge has probably taught him a lesson in the machinations of filmmaking that you couldn’t get if you spent a decade studying it at university.

Plus, let’s not forget that Connor Cruise gets to hang around Katie Holmes a lot too now, and she’s probably taught him, um… look, we’ll have to get back to you on that, OK?

Read more:

Connor Cruise Is Making His Big Screen Debut – People

That was fine until we'd seen them all. Twice.

Then our mother started dating a midget that swore up and down he was the lower half of L. Ron Hubbard, and that the Scientology founder had never been anything more than he and his twin brother strolling around stacked under a trench coat twice their size. He radiated alien germs off us at a thirty percent discount, which we thought was really pretty good of him. Thanks for that, Almonzo.

That experience really helps us relate to Will Smith's current dilemma. He's not a Scientologist, but he loves them dearly, the way we love L Ron Hubbard's bottom half dearly.

Hang on while we find a way to reword that last bit

Will Smith has really dug a pit for himself now. It seems he's babbled on about Scientology so much people are starting to think he's been swung over that way. But the thing is he hasn't. He's never taken the Scientologist's obligatory couch jump on any of Oprah Winfrey's 2000 fine television programmes, and he's never been denied any kind of religious tax exempt status by a very strict federal government. Really, there's not a Scientologist-ish thing about him.

Some argue that though. Some say Smith is the most Scientologist-ish person who has ever lived, save Xenu himself. Those same people say that since Xenu lived so many galaxies away he shouldn't really count towards this category. Plus he's frozen now or something, possibly in his planet's version of Northern Maine. Right near a highway.

But William Smith wants everyone to know once and for all he's not a Hubbard-ite. And he tells them so like this:

"You don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise. I am a Christian. I am a student of all religions. And I respect all people and all paths."

Well we wish we'd known that because, quite frankly, last time we were at Ali's house we spent about two hours too long talking about the shiny-factor of the Dome of the Rock. Honestly Muhammad, the sun glints like that off all metallic roofs.

As if Smith's adamant denial is a touch too vague, a Smith-slave issued this statement to drive things home:

"As Will Smith's publicist I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that Will is not a Scientologist."

But notice he didn't say 110 percent, which implies just a little less certainty then we're comfortable with. Somebody go check the D section of the Smith family personal library.

Read More:

Radar Didn't Call Will Smith A Scientologist – Radar Online

That's a stone cold fact. Will Smith legally doesn't have an embarrassing schoolboy infatuation with Adolf Hitler, and if you say he does he'll sue you. And win.

Will Smith has won damages after a news agency ran an article called Smith: Hitler Was A Good Person last year. Great news – by suing, Will Smith has not only fixed a weird misapprehension about his beliefs, but he's also effectively ruled out the rumoured Will Smith Adolf Hitler biopic. Thank god – we're pretty sure the world can live without a rap-lite movie theme-tune containing the phrase 'Indomitable Fuhrer' repeated several times in the chorus.

Some say that Will Smith is the biggest movie star in the world. That's probably true, because his movies always break records and top box offices no matter how brain-damagingly dreadful they are. But even though there are tens of up-and-coming actors waiting to take his place – like Shia LaBeouf and, um, look, let's just pretend that others exist, OK? – Will Smith has decided to use now to speak out on a range on crackpot subjects.

Will Smith giving an endorsement to Scientology and then following it up by handing out Scientology audit passes as wrap gifts on his newest movie set off a few alarms. But then again, if alarms don't go off when a man chronically compelled to only make films about himself saving the world decides to align himself with a faith that believes humans were created when a monster dropped an atom bomb into a volcano. And, clearly, once you've let Scientology into your life, the next logical step is Nazism.

Tom Cruise has done it – his next movie is all about the Nazis. John Travolta is doing it – his next movie is called Look Who's Talking About Exterminating All The Jews – and we heard unsubstantiated rumours about Kirstie Alley eating a colossal swastika burrito formation once, too. But Will Smith? Nazis? Surely he wouldn't be so foolish.

Well, yes and no. In an interview for a Scottish newspaper last year, Will Smith vaguely touched on the subject that Adolf Hitler probably didn't see himself as the most evil man in history all the time, which was regurgitated around the world as headlines like Will Smith Thinks Hitler Is Brilliant, Will Smith Wishes That His Own Father Was More Like Hitler and Will Smith Wants To Exhume Hitler's Corpse, Dress Him Up All Pretty And Kiss Him On The Mouth. Or, more accurately, WENN's Smith: Hitler Was A Good Person.

And Will Smith, alarmed at the deliberate misrepresentation, sued WENN. And now he's won, as The Telegraph reports:

The Hollywood actor Will Smith has received a public apology and damages in the High Court in London over allegations he thought Adolf Hitler was "a good person". Smith, one of the film industry's highest paid stars, was "deeply distressed" after World Entertainment News Network (WENN) published an article last year under the headline "Smith: Hitler was a good person", the High Court heard. Smith's solicitor, Rachel Atkins, said the Men In Black star was wholly misrepresented in his comments and, contrary to the report, "believes that Adolf Hitler was a vile and heinous man".

This ordeal over, Will Smith can now relax in the knowledge that nobody really thinks he has a secret fondness for berserkoid dictators with unlimited power and dangerously unstable egos who are hell-bent on making the world a living misery for all of its inhabitants.

So he'll probably need to get out of the movie business, then.

Read more:

Will Smith wins damages over 'Hitler was good' slur - Telegraph 

Since none of the latter actually exist, can we take this to mean that Will Smith is now in with the Scientology crowd? It would certainly seem that way, thanks to reports that Will Smith's wrap gifts to the crew of his new movie Hancock consisted of free passes for Scientology personality tests. 

If it's true, great – that makes Will Smith the new John Travolta, and we await his Look Who's Talking Now with baited breath. 

Who wouldn't want to be a Scientologist? It's brilliant – you get to hang around with Tom Cruise all the time, you can force your girlfriend to be silent when she gives birth, you're constantly reminded that mental illness can be cured by jogging – or something – and if you get really lucky you can knock your wife up with L Ron Hubbard's sperm.

Compare that to what you get with, say Catholicism – a dribble of wine, a scrap of bread and a billion loudmouth dirty accidental children – and you can see why Scientology is such a draw. But don't take our word for it, since Will Smith seems fairly hell-bent on converting everyone to Scientology himself anyway.

You don't have to be a celebrity expert to see that Will Smith and Tom Cruise have been hanging out a lot lately. But why? What caused this sudden closeness? Was it friendly competition between Will Smith and Tom Cruise to see who's best at doing unnervingly loud laughs? Are they both members of the same Los Angeles pro-am high-fiving club? Or is it because they're both Scientologists determined to enslave the world in whatever it is exactly they believe in?

It's a possibility. Remember that Will Smith's wife Jada Pinkett Smith was one of the first people to see Suri Cruise? Remember that she's a Scientologist? Remember that Will and Jada homeschool their kids using Scientology textbooks? Remember that Will Smith was bigging up Scientology on TV not so long ago? 

All the signs seem to point to Will Smith becoming a Scientologist – especially since it's been reported that his wrap gift to the crew of his new movie Hancock were tokens for a free personality test at a Scientology centre. According to the New York Daily News:

Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center. Fun! Never mind that such tests are given free by the church anyway. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that - surprise! - Scientology can fix right up for you.

Aside from the creepy religious undertones of the personality test, what kind of a crap gift is that? Apparently it came in a goodie bag, so lord knows what else was in there. A DVD copy of Battlefield Earth? A hologram of Xenu looking ticked off? Kirstie Alley? Bleurgh.

Anyway, you shouldn't worry about this Scientology-recruiting gift converting hoards of hairy sound engineers to the religion, because we hear you only pass the personality test if your personality is found to be 'really really ridiculously gullible almost to the point where it's a medical syndrome.'

What you should worry about, though, is Scientology running wild on Will Smith the same way as it did with Tom Cruise. No, we're not talking about the avalanche of rumours about his personal life, the constant public ridicule or the lightning-fast erosion of his movie career – we're just slightly nervous that Scientology will convince Will Smith to get one of those creepy Hitler haircuts that Tom's been walking about with lately.

Read more:

Will Smith Boosting Scientology – NY Daily News