Vanessa Hugens knows that the best way to get on in life is to find something you’re good and stick to it.

Luckily, she’s found something she’s great at. Acting? No. Singing? Come on, the girl sounds like a bad Britney Spears impersonator being mauled by feral street cats. No, Vanessa Hudgens is great at taking naked photos of herself that somehow find their way onto the internet. And, by christ, she’s sticking to it.

Just two years after her last naked picture scandal, a new batch of naked Vanessa Hudgens photos have hit the internet. She’s growing artistically, people.

The thing about High School Musical, as we’re sure you’ve already worked out, is that it just wasn’t very realistic. Everyone was academically dedicated and were characterised by their constant efforts to become better people. That’s not high school. There were no arson attacks. Teachers didn’t keel over from stress-related heart attacks midway through lessons. The majority of students didn’t leave unqualified to become manual labourers. And, ridiculously, none of the female students posted naked photos of themselves on the internet due to their inherent lack of self-esteem.

At least not in the movie. Because in real life Vanessa Hudgens was all over that crap.

You’ll remember the last set of naked Vanessa Hudgens photos, of course. It was a scandal that nearly got her fired from High School Musical 3 while simultaneously paving the way for the likes of Miley Cyrus to take some risque internet photos of her own. And, knowing that they brought her within a whisker of losing her career forever, Vanessa Hudgens vowed never to take naked photos of herself ever agai…

Oh, hang on, no. Scrap that, she’s at it again. Today the internet is awash with a brand new set of naked Vanessa Hudgens photos, all taken on her mobile phone. The official word from Vanessa’s publicist is that there’s nothing new about the photos, and that Vanessa took them during her flurry of naked curiosity a few years ago. But that hardly matters, because the newly-released naked Vanessa Hudgens photos – which can be seen online at, oh, The Huffington Post? Really? – show a dramatic leap forward in terms of visual aesthetic.

The last photos depicting Vanessa Hudgens naked were sort of boring – a full-frontal here, a cheap pseudo-lesbian kiss there – but this new batch show a rapid, almost superhuman, artistic progression. In the new set are photos of:

- Vanessa Hudgens topless in a tiny gold pair of shorts with a finger in her mouth.

- Vanessa Hudgens in her underwear, pulling the top of her knickers down.

- A soft focus Vanessa Hudgens cleavage shot.

- A picture of Vanessa Hudgens in a bikini on the beach, pulling a kissy face and pointing to a Zac Efron badge that she’s stuck on her tit.

That last one’s our favourite. But will people care about these new pictures of Vanessa Hudgens larking about in the nude? No, of course they won’t – Vanessa has already stated her intention to get naked in a movie soon and, besides, we were already starting to get bored of looking at her tits anyway.

So don’t expect these new naked photos of Vanessa Hudgens to stir up much of a scandal. No, that’ll come when she gets videoed manually pleasuring a labrador, which by our calculations should happen sometime before Christmas.

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9 - Important bikini news. You heard – Interestment

8 – Here’s another thing that Matt Berry is humiliatingly good at – Watch With Mothers

7 – Parents: Vanessa Hudgens hates your children (sort of) – Amy Grindhouse

6 - Now it’s time for something genuinely disturbing! – Bestweekever

5 - Would you like to see Peter Andre’s new video? No? Shut up, here it is – Popsugar

4 - How to pick up chicks. Apparently – Shoutingatcows

3 - Choose your own apocalypse. You know, if you like – Slate

2 - What your name badge says about you – Holytaco

1 – Best music video of all time? Why yes…

Hollywood Records is a label imprint for the Walt Disney Company.

Therefore they have a truly horrible roster of ’stars’ like Hayden Panettiere and Vanessa Hudgens. Although I will pretty much listen to any tween piece of crap, some of this stuff is truly bone-chilling. The label pretty much makes its money solely on the premise that if teenagers like to see rubbish actors in movies, they will LOVE hearing them sing. Unfortunately for us, this appears to be true. Basically, being an artist on Hollywood records is like being a chef at McDonalds.

Prime examples after the jump…

Jesse McCartney – It’s Over

6,474,564 views

Jesse McCartney is the latest in a line of snivelling little girl singers, lisping his way through ballads about the kind of impossibly complex love and heartbreak only a 21-year-old whose voice hasn’t yet properly broken could ever hope to fathom. In this video he mopes around (as usual), enlisting the help of some deeply uninvested producers and one of Justin Timberlake’s set designers. The song sounds like something he found whilst digging though Babyface’s trash.

Hayden Panettiere - Wake Up Call

4,893,437 views

This is one of the most awful songs I have ever heard and I can honestly say I would rather be forced to watch someone murder and eat my family than have to listen to it again. Who the fuck wrote in a RAP!? I think the gist of the song is if your boyfriend stops paying attention to you you should have sex with someone else to remind that he loves you. If this doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry, that just means you’re not a cretin.

Jonas Brothers – Burnin’ Up

15,186,494 views

The Jonas Brothers halfheartedly pretend to be interested in women and some paid actresses halfheartedly return the favour. Confused man-children with bad hair.

Vanessa Hudgens – Sneakernight

35,933,696 views

This song is pretty catchy, but whilst watching the video all I could think was ‘Heh heh heh. I’ve seen your minge.’

Insane Clown Posse – Down With The Clown (no seriously.)

17,467 views

WOOO! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! ANARCHY!

Corbin Bleu – Deal With It

1,382,976 views

Things that are probably less painful than this video:
Vivisection sans anaesthetic
Childbirth
Having a 300 pound woman repeatedly stamp on your testicles
Licking the crotch of one of Paris Hilton’s thongs and then having to deal with whatever diseases you contract.

Miley Cyrus – 7 Things
92,930,397 views

One of the only Hollywood Records artists I have nothing bad to say about because this song is awesome and so is Miley Cyrus. At 16 she’s already had three ‘erotic pic’ phone leaks and enjoys dating older men and perceived racial slurs. Someone for the kids to look up to, truly.

This was a guest blog by Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. She means it, man.

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Vanessa Hudgens is a whore. We’ve avoided saying that in the past for fear of legal action, but she is.

Vanessa Hudgens is a whore. Come on, say it with us. It’s fun – Vanessa Hudgens is a whore. Apparently we should point out that Vanessa Hudgens isn’t an actual whore, and that she’s only going to be playing one in a film – which sort of spoils the fun if you ask us – but, hey, at least this means you’ll finally get to see what Vanessa Hudgens looks like naked.

Pardon? You’ve already seen Vanessa Hudgens naked? Everyone has? OH FINE THEN.

The High School Musical movies were a phenomenon for one specific reason – they showed the youth of today that, with bit of application and the knowledge that your friends will always be there for you, anyone can achieve their dream of running around with their norks out in a low-rent film about hookers. Why, just look at dear old Vanessa Hudgens, for example.

Since High School Musical 3 wrapped, Vanessa Hudgens has been desperate to appeal to a more adult audience. And that seems to be exactly what she’ll do with her new movie Sucker Punch. Admittedly Vanessa Hudgens is trying to appeal to a very specific adult audience – the sort of adult audience that cuts holes in its trouser pockets so that it can masturbate discreetly at the cinema, the sort of adult audience that only became a removal man so that it could steal women’s underwear when nobody was looking – because she’ll be playing a naked prostitute. But a girl’s got to start somewhere. The LA Times reports:

“I’m playing a character named Blondie, and it’s set in a brothel in the 1950s, so there’s not a whole lot of clothes!… I think this is my time to really step it up and get to grow up.” She talks about her role as a sexy woman “strutting her stuff” … and she does things “I would never have imagined doing.”

News of Vanessa Hudgens disrobing for a film isn’t exactly shocking, given that she recently stated her intention to do just that. Plus don’t forget that Vanessa Hudgens is already a world leader in the art of getting naked for the cameras, so whether it’s a film camera or a mobile phone camera or a pinhole camera she made out of an old Pringles tube just so it allowed her to run around with her minge out for a while, it doesn’t really matter.

We will profess that we’re surprised how quickly Vanessa Hudgens has agreed to go naked for a movie, though – we always thought the formula went teen film, failed mainstream film, cancelled primetime TV show, cancelled daytime TV show, film nudity, outright pornography, drug addiction, clean-up period, born-again christian country and western album. And it’s a worry that Vanessa has already skipped so many of these stages – if she now bypasses porn and goes straight to the country album, there’ll be hell to pay. You hear us, Vanessa? Hell to pay.

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The High School Musical kids have graduated. And what does that mean? For Zac Efron it means becoming a star in his own right.

For the majority of the other High School Musical cast it means getting a supermarket job and spending day after day waiting for a vague recognition from customers that never comes. And for Vanessa Hudgens it means getting naked and slapping her tits and clodge about with wild abandon in every single film she ever makes.

Really. Vanessa Hudgens said so, “if the movie calls for it.” Which it will, because it’ll almost certainly be porn.

Remember when those naked Vanessa Hudgens photos turned up on the internet? Yes, so do we. It was a much simpler time back then – before Miley Cyrus came along with her adult boyfriend and her love of taking her clothes off with such deadening regularity that we’ve all become desensitised to it.

We’re not the only ones who miss the good old days of seeing Vanessa Hudgens naked, either. Vanessa Hudgens seems to miss it just as much. In fact – if you ignore the three films she made where her sole contribution was singing a procession of blank-eyed songs about believing in yourself – getting naked on the internet is the only thing that Vanessa Hudgens has done in her entire life.

And now that her fellow former tweensters are growing up and starring in bad remakes of Big with the crap one from Friends, it’s possibly time for Vanessa Hudgens to revisit her glory days. MSNBC reports:

“I will show nudity in a film when the time is right,” Hudgens, 20, said in an interview with E! Online. “Right now, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it. When the time’s right, if it’s an amazing movie that I’m really passionate about and that’s what it calls for, then we’ll see.”

Did you hear that? If, in several years’ time, Vanessa Hudgens is offered a role in a film that’s obviously beyond her artistic capabilities and calls for a fleeting glimpse of sideboob or a blurred shot of a buttock, then there’s a slim chance that Vanessa Hudgens will disrobe for it. SHE’S DEFINITELY GETTING NAKED AGAIN! PARTY TIME!!

Although, to throw water on our own alarmingly horny bonfire, what’s the point? We’ve already seen Vanessa Hudgens naked once, so it’s hardly going to get anyone excited to hear that she’s going to do it again. Not unless she’s decided to shave her pubes into the shape of a dragon or plans to show us a part of her naked body that we haven’t seen before, like the back of one of her knees or the underside of a toenail or something. Because then we’d be there like a shot.

And before you say it – no, Vanessa Hudgens publicly declaring her willingness to be naked on film isn’t a sign of desperation at all. In fact the last person to do anything remotely like this was Jessica Simpson, and she’s one of the most famous women on Earth. Oh, wait, no, it isn’t 2004 any more. Oh God, Hudgens, you’re doomed.

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It’s not surprising there are so many movie stars and directors on Twitter.

Well, let’s face it, they have not got much else to do, have they? Doing two movies a year, the odd junket and endless parties is hardly the most demanding schedule.

So why not spend some of your time annoying the hell out of them? To help you in your task, we have provided a list of Hollywood stars who somehow find the time to regularly update their Twitter accounts. Oh, and for some reason we also included John Mayer.

Enjoy!
26. Shahrukh Khan

India’s biggest movie star

http://twitter.com/shahrukh_khan

Typical tweet: “Mycoprotein cutlets are a very good alternative to pork or chicken or veal, it seems.”

25. Jennifer Aniston’s ex-boyfriend

John Mayer

http://twitter.com/johncmayer

Typical tweet: “Interviews with Seacrest are like flooring it in a golf cart: you’re not going fast enough to do any real damage, but you still hold tight.”

24. Emma Watson

Harry Potter actress

http://twitter.com/mwtsnx

Typical tweet: Another private one – but we are guessing it’s about shopping and eating.

23. Nikki Reed

Actress from Thirteen and Twilight

http://twitter.com/itsnikkibitch

Typical tweet: “Found photos of rob & I from yesterday. Good thing you stayed at home or you would have had a meltdown,” in response to Kristen Stewart, whose account is currently suspended.

22. David Silverman

Simpsons Animator and director; co-director of Monsters, Inc

http://twitter.com/tubatron

Typical tweet: “Now that I’ve lost so much on the stock market, it pains me that I didn’t spend money friviously instead.”

21. Dane Cook

Unfunniest person on the planet who is in movies sometimes

http://twitter.com/Dane_Cook

Typical tweet: “WOW! everybody’s twiterring now! looks like i’m not the only loser hahaha.”

20. Rachel Bilson

Actress and less-than-frequent Twitterer

http://twitter.com/rachel_bilson

Typical tweet: “Shopping! Shhhhhh.”

19. Kevin Pollak

Actor

http://twitter.com/kevinpollak

Typical tweet: “Were the Jonas Bros sent here by a messenger of good or evil…..?”

18. Diablo Cody

Former stripper and screenwriter

http://twitter.com/diablocody

Typical tweet: “Gotta go. Feeding the parents.”

17. Jane Fonda

Actress

http://twitter.com/JaneFonda

Typical tweet: “Just approved the last few pages on my blog which will launch tonight. Exciting…..I’ve got to get some sleep soon, hopefully launch soon.”

16. Channing Tatum

‘Actor’

http://twitter.com/channingtatum

Typical tweet: “Check Out Channing Tatum’s Top Ten BIGGEST Fans for 2009!!!”

15. John Lithgow

Actor

http://twitter.com/John_Lithgow

Typical tweet: “So the front page of the NY Times compared my hairline to Elvis’ on Friday. Is this a compliment?”

14. George Takei

Star Trek legend

http://twitter.com/georgetakei

Typical tweet: “Our thoughts go out to the families from the plane crash in New York. Make sure you hug those close to you and let them know you care.”

13. Jean Claude Van Damme

Muscles from Brussels

http://twitter.com/jcvd

Typical tweet: “Hello toutes mes new fans sur Twitter. Le love que je feel sur ce site depuis two days me donne autant d’energy que la pectine d’une pomme.” – No idea, but it has something to do with an apple.

12. George Lucas

Director

http://twitter.com/George_Lucas

Typical tweet: “Kids are really loving the new Clone Wars series”

11. Arnold Schwarzenegger

The Governator

http://twitter.com/schwarzenegger

Typical tweet: “It is not that California is ungovernable. It’s that for too long we have been split by ideology.”

10. Kevin Smith

Film Director, Actor

http://twitter.com/ThatKevinSmith

Typical tweet: “Just woke up. Am taking the morning dump.”

9. William Shatner

Legend

http://twitter.com/WilliamShatner

Typical tweet: “Ricardo Montalban was a wonderful man I saw him on Broadway I was entertained by his movies. I loved working with him on the film we made.”

8. Ashton Kutcher

Actor

http://www.twitter.com/aplusk

Typical tweet: “Apparently I have all my planets in Aries. Which means I need to work on listening more. What?”

7. John Cleese

Python etc

http://twitter.com/JohnCleese

Typical tweet: “some people spout complete twaddle. they could be spouting incomplete twaddle and leaving the remaining twaddle for us. thoughtless!”

6. David Lynch

Overrated director

http://twitter.com/DAVID_LYNCH

Typical tweet: “Thought of the Day: Stay true to the idea.”

5. Stephen Fry

English national treasure and sometime movie actor and director

http://twitter.com/stephenfry

Typical tweet: “600 people went to the theatre, not to see Oliver but to compete in a paper & chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.”

4. Vanessa Hudgens

High School Musical actress

http://twitter.com/VanessaHudgens

Typical tweet: “Just bought a juicer online. The name of the game is enzymes: who knew?”

3. Demi Moore

Annoying actress and Twitter nut

http://twitter.com/mrskutcher

Typical tweet: “Hubby torturing me!”

2. Luke Wilson

Slightly-less-popular-than-brother actor

http://twitter.com/LukeWilson

Typical tweet: “It’s hard to keep this twitter thing updated! I should hire someone to do this! ”

1. Elijah Wood

Actor and hobbit

http://twitter.com/elijahwood

Typical tweet: “Dancing in my underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Biz, lol”

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Teenagers with comically bad haircuts, yes. But Twilight just didn’t have as many freakishly intense, frighteningly composed big-eyed children who look like they crawl out and eat your thoughts at night as we expected. But that doesn’t matter, because Dakota Fanning could be in Twilight 2 and she’s exactly that.

According to reports, Dakota Fanning will play Jane in New Moon, a vampire who ‘creates illusions of pain’. We’ve seen Hide And Seek, so we know she’s great at that already.

Kids these days, eh? They grow up so damn fast. Why, just look at dear old Dakota Fanning. Time was when she was nothing more than the spooky-looking kid from War Of The Worlds whose parents were so determined to make her a megastar that they happily let her star in a child-rape movie when she was 12 years old.

But look at her now! Our little Dakota is all growed up. Why, it’ll only be a few years before she can get shitfaced on drugs and smash her car up like the creepy kid from The Sixth Sense. But in the meantime Dakota Fanning may as well slap on too much eyeliner, pretend that Paramore are a tolerable band and sign up for Twilight 2.

That’s right, following the sad news that Vanessa Hudgens won’t be in Twilight 2 because of the dearth of songs about being yourself and helping your friends, it’s been reported that Dakota Fanning – everyone’s favourite ghostly-looking childstar from 2005 – is being lined up instead. MTV reports:

New reports are claiming that star of Man on Fire and War of The Worlds, Dakota Fanning is in talks to play a vampire in Twilight sequel New Moon... The Chris Weitz sequel is scheduled to begin filming at the end of March with Fanning (14) lined up to play Volturi member Jane. In the Twilight novels, Jane is an Italian vampire whose special power is the ability to create illusions of pain.

Ah yes, Jane who creates illusions of pain. It’s easy to tell which Volturi member is which in Twilight 2 because their names all rhyme with their special power. There’s Jane who creates illusions of pain, Alec who makes things metallic, Marcus who can reanimate your carcass and Renata the dirty farter. Look it up if you don’t believe us. It’s what she’s really called. It’s all in the book.

Still, it’s brave of Dakota Fanning to take on a bit-part in a movie franchise after spending such a long time being the star of her own films. It might seem like a little detour from her ‘new Jodie Foster‘ career path to begin with, but don’t forget that Dakota Fanning is still young – she’s still got plenty of time to inspire rabid fans to blow up airports on her behalf and become a lesbian and whatnot. It all works out in the end.

And anyway, we honestly believe that Dakota Fanning will be a great addition to the Twilight 2 cast alongside the mullety beefcake and Robert Pattinson’s stupid haircut. We’re being serious – we’re really looking forward to avoiding her like the absolute titting raging bastard plague when Twilight 2 comes out.

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And, um, that’s about it. But, sadly, the Twilight sequel doesn’t require any of these talents, so Vanessa Hudgens won’t star in it any more. Vanessa Hudgens has denied rumours that she auditioned for the role of Sexy Naked Lady Werewolf 4 in Twilight 2.

Twilight fans will be thrilled – they never wanted an embarrassingly cheesy tween star like Vanessa in their movie to begin with. No, Twilight is all about embarrassingly faux-rebellious tween stars. And silly-haired pipecleaners. And that’s how it’ll stay, damnit!

We’re having serious reservations about Twilight 2, you know. Sure, we could take the fact that the director had changed, and the casting issues didn’t really bother us too much. And we only cried for about two hours when we found out about Robert Pattinson’s haircut. But this?

This is just beyond a joke. Let us explain. On Monday we told you that High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens had auditioned for Twilight 2, and we were thrilled. It would have been such a perfect fit. Both High School Musical and Twilight share a common theme – that pre-marital sex is evil.

True, that theme was more explicit in Twilight – where it was suggested that if you have sex too young a dreary vampire with hair that looks like a dog wound will kill you – but it would have been dealt with more fully in High School Musical had the writers found a good rhyme for ‘abortion clinic’ in the song Bop To The Top.

But that’s not the point. Vanessa Hudgens was going to be starring as a werewolf in the sequel to Twilight, and we were so prepared. We’d found our old Vanessa Hudgens High School Musical doll, stripped her naked like in those internet pictures, glued some of our pubes to her face to make her look a bit more werewolfy and forced her to have nine-hour makeout sessions with our Robert Pattinson Twilight doll. Those were probably the happiest moments of our lives.

But now? Now Vanessa Hudgens has taken our heart and stamped all over it. She’s denied doing any Twilight 2 auditions at all, the big witch. Showbiz Spy reports:

It was claimed earlier this week that Hudgens was gunning for the role of female werewolf Leah Clearwater in the eagerly-awaited second film in Stephenie Meyer’s vampire franchise. But a representative for Hudgens has dismissed the speculation. The spokesperson said, “I don’t know anything about the audition. As far as I know, it’s just a rumor.”

It’s hard news to swallow, we know. That girl from the films you refuse to watch because you’re not a 12-year-old girl won’t be starring in the films you refuse to watch because you’re not a 14-year-old girl. Somehow, together, we’re going to get through this.

But can you really believe what Vanessa Hudgens’ spokesperson said? After all, it was a Twilight castmember who reported Vanessa’s audition in the first place. So maybe all isn’t as it seems. Which is why we think it’s much more likely that Vanessa Hudgens did audition for Twilight 2 but was so abominably bad that she got turned down.

Either that or Vanessa Hudgens went to the Twilight audition, realised that she’d have to spend four months sucking in her cheeks, wearing a silly amount of eye make-up, staring off into the middle-distance in the mistaken belief that it made her look deep and listening to piss-awful Paramore songs on repeat until her ears started to bleed, and turned the role down.

Either way, we’re heartbroken.

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Oh, OK, Vanessa Hudgens is only auditioning for one of the roles in Twilight 2. It’s as good as signed, though, especially since the second Twilight novel ends with everyone performing a mass singalong to a song entitled I Believe In You (Sexy Vampire Of My Heart).

Vanessa Hudgens’ Twilight signing also proves that, rather than promoting pre-martial abstinence, Twilight is really all about getting your tits and mimsy out on the internet. Hear that, Robert Pattinson? Your mimsy.

Twilight and High School Musical already have a lot in common, you know. For instance, they both share a creepily chaste pseudo-religious conservative worldview. And they both star lead actors who look like they’ve been moulded out of a single piece of plastic and then dipped head-first into a box marked ’silly hair’. And, obviously, both High School Musical and Twilight are squarely aimed at people too young to properly know the difference between a good film and an awful one yet.

But it looks as though High School Musical and Twilight might share one more thing in common, too – they both star that girl who got naked on the internet that time. Sort of. According to reports, Vanessa Hudgens is hard at work auditioning for the role of Leah Clearwater – who’s either a sassy cheerleader who believes in the power of friendship or a werewolf. It’s not like we care about this enough to find out or anything. MTV reports:

“High School Musical” starlet Vanessa Hudgens has apparently taken the next step and auditioned for the role, according to “Twilight” actress Ashley Greene. We ran into Alice herself at a Golden Globes afterparty, and she told us she’d be happy to co-star with Hudgens. “I think she’d be great,” Greene enthused.

We, too, think that Vanessa Hudgens would be great for the Twilight family. After all, she’d have great chemistry with Robert Pattinson since she’s already going out with one simpering personality-vacuum as it is. Plus, everyone knows that the final Twilight book ends with a lesbian three-way between Leah Clearwater, Kristen Stewart and the lead singer of Paramore, and Vanessa Hudgens is already way ahead when it comes to vaguely hinting at lesbianism.

We have to say, though, that Vanessa Hudgens is being extremely savvy in picking her movie roles. First she stars in a bunch of films made for bright-eyed tweens who wear purity rings, and now she’s going to star in a bunch of films for very slightly older tweens who have decided that being bright-eyed is lame but still wear purity rings and paint their fingernails black because they saw it in an Avril Lavigne video once and thought it looked cool.

You see what she’s doing? Vanessa Hudgens is growing up with her audience. Once Twilight’s audience grows up a little bit more and realises that Twilight is a bag of arses, we’re fully expecting Vanessa Hudgens to jump ship and make a movie that spoofs the stupidity of Twilight, and that should take the audience up to their late twenties. After that it’ll be 30 years of porn followed by a soul-destroying stint presenting informercials for second-hand caravans. Because that is what the audience will want. Trust us.

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But that’s not the case at all. Eager to keep churning out enough High School Musicals to keep everyone in solid gold bathtubs for a decade, Disney has announced that there’s a High School Musical 4 in the pipeline.

However, don’t expect too many of your favourite High School Musical characters in High School Musical 4, because rumour has it that there’ll be a mostly-new cast. Which we’re eternally thankful to Disney for – after all, the High School Musical cast of today is the middle-aged pervert’s grubby naked sex fantasy object of tomorrow.

The High School Musical movies might look like an awful lot of fun – all cartwheeling down corridors and making best friends forever with an appropriately racially-diverse group of bright-eyed youngsters – but the reality couldn’t be further removed.

Churning out one High School Musical movie after another is hard work on everyone. The songwriters must be running out of ideas by now – surely there are only so many ways to put across the sentiment that everyone is in everything together and also special and flying and stuff – and the High School Musical cast is now so old and clearly un-high school that some of their internal organs are starting to pop.

So the High School Musical franchise should clearly be put out to pasture, right? Oh yeah, and let that bitch Miley Cyrus scoop up all the tween pocket money? NEVER!

So that’s why Disney has announced High School Musical 4, even though High School Musical 3 hasn’t even been released yet. Excited? Don’t be – High School Musical 4 is going to be the disappointing S Club Juniors of the wholesome tween movie world, as Reuters reports:

“We are writing ‘High School Musical 4,’ ” Disney Channel Worldwide president Rich Ross said Tuesday after a presentation at a midtown Manhattan recording studio. It’s likely to be a TV movie unlike “High School Musical 3: Senior Year,” though that could change. Filming begins in two weeks in Utah. There’s no word on whether the cast and behind-the-scenes talent will gather again for “HSM4,” though some characters introduced in the third go-round likely will star in the fourth. “Are we going to have all the cast back? Probably not,” Ross said. “Will we have some of them? I hope so.”

Really? Some of the High School Musical cast will be back for the fourth movie? But they’re all too old to believably be high school students any more. So, while we can see that Zac Efron will want to leave High School Musical to pursue his movie career – and Vanessa Hudgens will want to get cracking on her late-night cable erotic thriller career before everyone gets sick of staring at her naked body – the others will stay. But how? Here are a few ideas.

1 - Bizarrely, all the graduating High School Musical students decide to immediately return to school to work as teachers, even though they have no qualifications and are so highly unsuitable that their appointments defy all sense of logic. This is the Saved By The Bell: The New Class option.

2 – The entire High School Musical cast is put back to junior high because they’ve all legally found to be dangerously stupid. Not only will this keep some familiar faces in High School Musical 4, but it’ll also mean we’ll get to see songs like 22 (And Still Can’t Spell My Own Name), I Think I Just Shat Myself and the 12-minute centrepiece Exploratory Adolescent Odyssey, which just consists of some monotone gurgling and the sound of one boy sobbing because he ate an orange crayola thinking it was a carrot.

3 - Everyone from the first three High School Musical movies realises that they’re already moments away from being so typecast as a grinning earnest teenager that they’ll never ever find work again if they see High School Musical 4 through, so they have it written into their contract that a disturbed student in a leather trenchcoat bursts into their classroom in the first couple of minutes and massacres them all indiscriminately with a selection of his father’s rifles.

Which option will Disney go for? So long as the decision forces our local Disney store to reduce the price of its Vanessa Hudgens High School Musical figures enough for us to buy them all and sit around stroking their hair and whispering into their ears and pretending we have 150 identical tiny plastic naked slutty girlfriends, then we’ll happily go along with anything.

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“High School Musical 4″ already in works – Reuters

Well you can't because – contrary to rumours – the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape does not exist.

That's right, there is no Vanessa Hudgens sex tape, so you'll never get to see what Vanessa Hudgens looks like when she's having sex. Unless, you know, you carefully print and cut out all those naked Vanessa Hudgens pictures from the internet, stick naked pictures of yourself next to them and make a sort of ramshackle flick-book with them. That kind of works.

Ahem. We heard.

Now that Miley Cyrus has been exposed as a seatbelt-shunning bitch from hell, people have started to forget about the Tween Scene's original scandalbasket, Vanessa Hudgens. And that's terrible, because when 18-year-old girls from wholesome teenage musicals with deliberate moral centres take naked photos of themselves that accidentally get onto the internet – and then they quickly follow them up with some vaguely lesbian photos – it should be applauded, not condemned as filth.

But try telling that to Disney, which nearly dropped Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical 3 until it had a change of heart and tentatively signed Vanessa up for the movie. However, word quickly got around recently that High School Musical 3 wasn't the only movie that Vanessa Hudgens would be in – there was also the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape movie.

According to reports, the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape featured Vanessa spread-eagled naked in front of a Christmas tree saying preposterous double-entendres like:

"I want Santa to come up my chimney because I've been a good little girl this year".

Chimney? Chimney? Because it's made of brick and twice a year you pay a dirty-faced cockney urchin to shove an extendable brush up there? That doesn't make any sense.

But of course it doesn't make any sense, because Vanessa Hudgens didn't actually say that. And she didn't say it because the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape doesn't exist. The story originally appeared last September on barely-read, fractionally amusing Onion rip-off website Pugbus, as Portable Planet reports:

There are multiple reports that she made a naughty tape the day she took those photo as well.  Ick. There’s only one little problem. It’s completely untrue. The story actually originated last year Postcards from the Pug Bus, which is a satire website. The Vanessa Hudgens “quote” comes from their 100% made-up story… The bottom of the each page of the website reads: “The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of thing seriously.”

Sorry perverts, if you want to see a Vanessa Hudgens sex tape you're going to have to wait until her career dries up and she's reduced to doing tawdry porn shoots in rented motel rooms for $50 a throw, just like the rest of us have to.

But still, if we can't see a real Vanessa Hudgens sex tape, then maybe this imaginary Vanessa Hudgens sex tape will be the next best thing. Imagine that, a sex tape that doesn't actually exist.

God, if only Gene Simmons had that idea first.

Read more:

Debunked: High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens Naughty Tape Doesn’t Exist – Portable Planet 

But not any more. Disney has just confirmed that High School Musical 3 – the final movie in the High School Musical trilogy – will be a full feature release that people will have to save up their pocket money and pay to see in cinemas.

Needless to say, the news has excited young High School Musical fans and creepy middle-aged perverts who've just worked out that they'll be able to see the outline of Vanessa Hudgens' boobs on a gigantic screen alike. 

High School Musical has, by all accounts, been a sensation for Disney. It spent all that money painstakingly animating crap like Treasure Planet and Home On The Range and all it really needed to do was find a bunch of kids that looked as if they'd been made in a sinister injection-moulding factory and get them to sing songs about how everyone is special on the inside on a TV movie to make the cash come rolling in.

Now people put on their own High School Musical plays, listen to High School Musical CDs, play with High School Musical action figures and try to look like High School Musical star Zac Efron by varnishing their faces, wearing plastic wigs and pouting into a mirror for days at a time. We expect. 

But soon it'll be time to say goodbye to High School Musical so that its young stars can move on with their lives and make that softcore pornography DVD they've been teasing us with for so long. And, because the old 'everyone in High School Musical is so stupid that they'll have to repeat classes until they're 40' ruse won't work, the upcoming High School Musical 3 will be the series' final outing.

But what an outing it'll be, because High School Musical 3 will be the first to get a full theatrical release. People reports:

All six of the High School Musical stars have officially signed on for High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Walt Disney Studios Motion Picture Productions announced Monday. Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Corbin Bleu, Monique Coleman and Lucas Grabeel will star in the third and final instalment, a feature film. Director Kenny Ortega tells PEOPLE he's excited about working one last time with the cast… "I am the luckiest guy in the world and I know it," Ortega says. "This will be our last time together and I love working with these kids so much. It's going to be great."  

But what about the plot of High School Musical 3? Somewhat predictably, it will centre on Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens coming to terms with the fact that they'll soon have to leave school for different colleges – which we presume to be the Academy For Dim-Looking Ladyboys and Naked Slut Central respectively – and deciding that the only way to get over their heartache is to sing plenty of family-friendly songs about how everyone is special on the inside at each other.

And then it'll be over, unless of course High School Musical takes the Saved By The Bell route and makes a High School Musical: The College Years film and a High School Musical: The New Class film where one of the original stars has inexplicably become a teaching assistant during the day and a disgusting internet sex tape star at night. 

Which, you know, wouldn't be too much of a leap.

Read more:

It's Official: Cast Returns for High School Musical 3 – People 

But, surprisingly, it looks as if Disney has chosen the former. Reports are rife that Vanessa Hudgens is not only going to sign on to reprise her role in High School Musical 3 this week, but she's also negotiated herself a giant payrise in the process. Although Vanessa Hudgens' payrise has shocked everyone who thought that her days as a family-friendly pop gonk were over, there's probably a perfectly good explanation for it – like the millions and millions of extra dollars that High School Musical 3 will make thanks to the army of new adult male Vanessa Hudgens fans who'll watch it again and again trying to work out if they can see the beginnings of a cameltoe emerging during the movie's tender opening number.

High School Musical has become a phenomenon by its relentlessly-pushed message that everyone is special and has their own gift. That's certainly true about Vanessa Hudgens, who is special because she's one of the few 18-year-old Disney stars prepared to take naked and borderline-lesbian photos of herself and paste them all over the internet for everyone to see.

But, even though this gift has made Vanessa Hudgens one of the most well-known vaginas in the entertainment industry, it looked like the fame was coming at a cost. Vanessa Hudgens, you see, was the female lead in High School Musical and High School Musical 2 – Disney's almost-nauseatingly earnest Grease rip-off cable movies. And, as you may have guessed, the sight of Vanessa Hudgens singing a song called You Are The Music In Me and the sight of Vanessa Hudgens trying to cop off with a schoolgirl with tongues didn't sit so well together.

However, despite rumours that Vanessa Hudgens was going to get the shove from High School Musical 3 – where the plot presumably involves all of them having to keep repeating years despite clearly being above high school age, possibly because they're all a bunch of honking dimwits – over the naked photo furore, it looks like Vanessa Hudgens might get the last laugh after all.

It's claimed that Vanessa Hudgens is on the verge of signing up for High School Musical 3 and getting a big fat payrise for doing so. While the official Disney and Vanessa Hudgens line is that nothing has been signed and negotiations are still in process, a High School Musical source told Us Weekly:

“Vanessa is locked for the movie. She is very happy that the deal is done.”

Obviously, while Vanessa Hudgens has built up a following amongst sickening bright-eyed innocent children by starring in the first two High School Musical movies, it's hard not to think that her naked photo sideline will bring in the punters to the third movie like never before, something Disney is hoping to expand on by forcing Vanessa Hudgens to wear nipple tassels throughout and singing a provocative burlesque song called Do Me In My Minge Now instead of the scheduled Never Forget (We're All Stars And God Loves Us Equally).