It isn’t like things on the internet, or in the news media in general are reported in a straightforward, to the point and down the line fashion now, is it? So it shouldn’t be surprising to see that a story circulating about Ali Lohan – Lindsay’s sister – has brought the internets to near meltdown.

And why? Because there’s porn involved.

You can always rely on the viral nature of the internet to make a story about a 14-year-old girl auditioning for a film produced by a former porn director one of the most popular things about. Rather unsurprisingly, it’s happened today.

What happened though? Well – exactly what it says in that sentence above. Ali Lohan, sister of hecklerspray favourite Lindsay Lohan, auditioned for a movie. She wants to be famous, you see – really famous.

As it turned out, one of the producers of this film, Peter Davy, had something of a history when it came to the films he made, with his portfolio including such hits as ‘Dreams in the Forbidden Zone’, ‘Voodoo Lust: The Possession’ and the rather-more-obviously-titled but, shockingly enough, still an adult film ‘Bun Sisters 12′.

But before the world does actually implode in the apparent knowledge that an underage girl auditioned for porn to help kickstart her career of fame and fortune, like that hasn’t ever happened before, we have to point out that the movie Ali auditioned for, ‘Troll‘, is categorically not anything to do with the adult entertainment industry.

Though it does have adults involved in its creation and it is actually entertainment, so, maybe we could go with: ‘Ali Lohan entering adult entertainment industry’ as a line. Though we don’t really want to be sued that much.

No, what Ali Lohan auditioned for was a role in a low budget potential crapothon remake of an 80s fantasy film, with a lead character called Turok. And that’s about it. It’s a story that can be summed up in one or two sentences, and one that can be resolved in less than a paragraph.

Yet because it involves:

a) The internets, and

b) The mention of porn

It becomes a whirling dervish of a story, decimating all the entertainment sites and forums it comes across, leaving nothing but confused readers in its wake. It’s testament to how downright pathetic this whole thing can be sometimes.

Either that or we’re just moaning because we’ve fallen into the trap of covering the ’story’ and feel like having something of a ‘pot kettle black’ rant.

Fortunately, we can all rest easy in the thought that Ali did indeed get the part. Unfortunately she probably won’t be taking the role, seeing as her mother, Dina Lohan, has decided she’s going to kill everyone involved in the production of it (according to TMZ, at least, ‘heads will roll’). Seriously – you make a few porn films, audition a young girl for a new movie and her mother finds out then goes mental – what has the world come to?

Take Spencer Pratt, for example. We have no idea who Spencer Pratt is, and the only way we'd be able to identify him in the street is because he'd be the one loudly braying about what a tosspot he thinks Mary-Kate Olsen is.

Actually he won't. Spencer Pratt doesn't do that any more. He used to, though – not so long ago he told a magazine that Mary-Kate Olsen was a 'troll' who wasn't very cute – but not any more. Spencer Pratt has issued a sincere apology for the 'troll' jibe, finally putting an end to a celebrity feud that was so staggeringly pointless and short-lived that you didn't even care if it existed or not in the first place.

There must be something in the water, because it's turned into celebrity feud central round here lately. There's Pamela Anderson calling Jessica Simpson a 'whore', the upcoming actor strike that's pitting Tom Hanks against Jack Nicholson and Kanye West's neverending feud with reality to name just three.

But at least Spencer Pratt isn't fighting with Mary-Kate Olsen any more. Having done the absolute bare minimum of research, Spencer Pratt seems to be The Hills' resident douchehole – the kind of braying, overprivileged, permanently sneering moron who wouldn't know a decent day's work if it smashed his stupid face to pulp with a concrete bollard.

The weird, utterly inconsequential beef between Mary-Kate Olsen and Spencer Pratt started when Olsen went on Letterman and told a story about Pratt's schoolboy reputation as angry soccer player. That caused Spencer Pratt to retort to US Weekly that:

"I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

Oh, that's just rude. Mary-Kate Olsen is many things – an out-of-touch former child star with no remaining ties to the real world, an obscenely rich idiot who thinks people care about her stupid books, a cartoon monster – but she's not a troll. She probably acts like a troll a lot of the time, but she isn't physically a mythical cave-dwelling Scandinavian creature. That's just below the belt.

And Spencer Pratt knows this, which is why he's apologised to Mary-Kate Olsen in public, despite the fact that not a single member of the public needs to have their precious brain cells destroyed by being made to listen to his bleating cock-droppings for a second longer than they have to. AHN reports:

He tells [Us], "I apologize for getting caught up in trash talking, but she brought up an emotional subject when she mentioned the soccer stuff. I know Dave was just doing his job in asking her. He's the best in the game at that." He also confessed that he "respects Mary Kate as a businesswoman" and that he is "secretly jealous of her. I want my face on a lunchbox, too!"

And, peace restored, Spencer Pratt can now go back to his awful Republican girlfriend and her naked best friend and get on with whatever cloth-eared, cheaply-made probably pre-rehearsed claptrap he gets up to on The Hills.

You may now return to your lives changed people.