Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The worst torment hecklerspray ever had to endure while in school was a ring of really old prostitutes surrounding our building and tossing rotten bananas in through the windows. We’re not sure exactly what their point was, but we think it had something to do with them getting a column on the cafeteria menu – airbrushed head shots, short bios and everything

As we understand things – the only reason it never happened was because the PTA was so right-wing.

One boy in darkest Africa has worse worries than that. He occasionally gets jumped by goblins on school property – and at home for that matter.

Imagine if you will – you’re sitting there in class when you see a tiny, disfigured man dressed in black eyeing your Bic from two feet away. You know what he wants, but are extremely reluctant to give it to him. He inches forward, you grow tense. Another step up – you pull the pen back – but it’s too late! He lunges forward and grabs it. The fight of your life is now – you scream and everybody looks… at you like you’re crazy.

They don’t see anybody but you. You’d feel like an idiot, but you don’t because you’re slumped in your seat all unconscious and what-not.

That’s an actual account out of Zimbabwe, you know. There’s a boy there who’s been plagued by a little goblin that only he can see. We’ll let Zimbabwe News Online sum things up for you:

“On one occasion he screamed during lesson time and said a short old man was trying to forcefully take his pen away. He struggled with his invisible tormentor for some time until he became unconscious.”

But with that quote we come to the story late. It actually starts with the young lad getting a super-charged glow just before his first bout – again from Zimbabwe News Online:

“Although the school authorities could not confirm it, the boy’s parents say their child experienced a “transfiguration” on February 10, the night before a major fight with the invisible opponent caused his body to glow.”

Other than the pen, nobody knows for sure what the thing wants. Maybe someone should leave a ten pack out for it to take back to hell. The poor thing’s probably gotta make a shopping list or something. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned – maybe it should just be that hell hath no writing utensils.

It must be frustrating if you think about it – heaven wrote the bible with probably a dozen goose-feather pens or something. But what’s hell ever written? The Harry Potter series? Without pens – we highly doubt it. Unless ol’ Beelzebub himself paced around JK Rowling‘s office dictating as she wrote away.

So you know, that’s precisely what we think probably happened.

Really if enough people leave mechanical pencils under bridges, maybe they’ll leave this poor kid alone.

You guys first. We’re on a budget.

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Why we’re surprised by this, we simply do not know.

It isn’t like things on the internet, or in the news media in general are reported in a straightforward, to the point and down the line fashion now, is it? So it shouldn’t be surprising to see that a story circulating about Ali Lohan – Lindsay’s sister – has brought the internets to near meltdown.

And why? Because there’s porn involved.

You can always rely on the viral nature of the internet to make a story about a 14-year-old girl auditioning for a film produced by a former porn director one of the most popular things about. Rather unsurprisingly, it’s happened today.

What happened though? Well – exactly what it says in that sentence above. Ali Lohan, sister of hecklerspray favourite Lindsay Lohan, auditioned for a movie. She wants to be famous, you see – really famous.

As it turned out, one of the producers of this film, Peter Davy, had something of a history when it came to the films he made, with his portfolio including such hits as ‘Dreams in the Forbidden Zone’, ‘Voodoo Lust: The Possession’ and the rather-more-obviously-titled but, shockingly enough, still an adult film ‘Bun Sisters 12′.

But before the world does actually implode in the apparent knowledge that an underage girl auditioned for porn to help kickstart her career of fame and fortune, like that hasn’t ever happened before, we have to point out that the movie Ali auditioned for, ‘Troll‘, is categorically not anything to do with the adult entertainment industry.

Though it does have adults involved in its creation and it is actually entertainment, so, maybe we could go with: ‘Ali Lohan entering adult entertainment industry’ as a line. Though we don’t really want to be sued that much.

No, what Ali Lohan auditioned for was a role in a low budget potential crapothon remake of an 80s fantasy film, with a lead character called Turok. And that’s about it. It’s a story that can be summed up in one or two sentences, and one that can be resolved in less than a paragraph.

Yet because it involves:

a) The internets, and

b) The mention of porn

It becomes a whirling dervish of a story, decimating all the entertainment sites and forums it comes across, leaving nothing but confused readers in its wake. It’s testament to how downright pathetic this whole thing can be sometimes.

Either that or we’re just moaning because we’ve fallen into the trap of covering the ‘story’ and feel like having something of a ‘pot kettle black’ rant.

Fortunately, we can all rest easy in the thought that Ali did indeed get the part. Unfortunately she probably won’t be taking the role, seeing as her mother, Dina Lohan, has decided she’s going to kill everyone involved in the production of it (according to TMZ, at least, ‘heads will roll’). Seriously – you make a few porn films, audition a young girl for a new movie and her mother finds out then goes mental – what has the world come to?

Perhaps we should start watching The Hills – by the look of it it features more per capita obnoxiousness than a shedful of Lohans.

Take Spencer Pratt, for example. We have no idea who Spencer Pratt is, and the only way we'd be able to identify him in the street is because he'd be the one loudly braying about what a tosspot he thinks Mary-Kate Olsen is.

Actually he won't. Spencer Pratt doesn't do that any more. He used to, though – not so long ago he told a magazine that Mary-Kate Olsen was a 'troll' who wasn't very cute – but not any more. Spencer Pratt has issued a sincere apology for the 'troll' jibe, finally putting an end to a celebrity feud that was so staggeringly pointless and short-lived that you didn't even care if it existed or not in the first place.

There must be something in the water, because it's turned into celebrity feud central round here lately. There's Pamela Anderson calling Jessica Simpson a 'whore', the upcoming actor strike that's pitting Tom Hanks against Jack Nicholson and Kanye West's neverending feud with reality to name just three.

But at least Spencer Pratt isn't fighting with Mary-Kate Olsen any more. Having done the absolute bare minimum of research, Spencer Pratt seems to be The Hills' resident douchehole – the kind of braying, overprivileged, permanently sneering moron who wouldn't know a decent day's work if it smashed his stupid face to pulp with a concrete bollard.

The weird, utterly inconsequential beef between Mary-Kate Olsen and Spencer Pratt started when Olsen went on Letterman and told a story about Pratt's schoolboy reputation as angry soccer player. That caused Spencer Pratt to retort to US Weekly that:

"I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

Oh, that's just rude. Mary-Kate Olsen is many things – an out-of-touch former child star with no remaining ties to the real world, an obscenely rich idiot who thinks people care about her stupid books, a cartoon monster – but she's not a troll. She probably acts like a troll a lot of the time, but she isn't physically a mythical cave-dwelling Scandinavian creature. That's just below the belt.

And Spencer Pratt knows this, which is why he's apologised to Mary-Kate Olsen in public, despite the fact that not a single member of the public needs to have their precious brain cells destroyed by being made to listen to his bleating cock-droppings for a second longer than they have to. AHN reports:

He tells [Us], "I apologize for getting caught up in trash talking, but she brought up an emotional subject when she mentioned the soccer stuff. I know Dave was just doing his job in asking her. He's the best in the game at that." He also confessed that he "respects Mary Kate as a businesswoman" and that he is "secretly jealous of her. I want my face on a lunchbox, too!"

And, peace restored, Spencer Pratt can now go back to his awful Republican girlfriend and her naked best friend and get on with whatever cloth-eared, cheaply-made probably pre-rehearsed claptrap he gets up to on The Hills.

You may now return to your lives changed people.