Okay. What do we know about Tommy Lee? Firstly, he’s got a massive wang. So big is Tommy Lee’s penis is that it actually has an ankle in the middle of it. We also know that he was in Motley Crue who are one of rock’s more forgettable footnotes. We also know that he’s a toppling dimwit.

And so, add all these things together and add a killer whale into the equation and you’ve got the perfect celebrity story, right? Thick man talks about gigantic, ejaculating member with very little authority, loudly.

Fantastic. So what’s his beef? Well, Tommy doesn’t like the way SeaWorld wank Tilikum with killer whale off. No, seriously.

Tommy Lee is all angry and thrashing his hands around in fury at SeaWorld, calling them “sick and twisted” over the way they (allegedly) treat their most famous Orca’s dick.

The drummer fired off a letter to SeaWorld accusing the park of keeping Tilikum the whale in captivity because, “he is your chief sperm bank.”

He probably thought ‘…and I can, like, totally empathise with that.’

Tilikum, a beast that has made headlines for killing three people for shits and giggles, now has Tommy in his corner, and presumably, this will make the flippered creature even more murderous and distrustful of human beings.

Tommy believes SeaWorld extracts semen from Tilikum in a really nasty way. He says:

“We know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water.”

“Even in my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted.”

Yeah. Right.

So what to do? Well, Tommy and his friends at PETA want the whale released into the wild where it can be attacked by creatures more used to the feral sea and, presumably, where it will cry mournfully in the night when it just can’t get hold of a cow’s vagina filled with hot water when he wants a quick jizz.

Great stuff. Feel free to make your own ‘free willy’ puns.

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Tommy Lee thought he’d done it all.  The drugs, the drink, the Pamela Anderson.

But now one of his employees has gone one better, as photos emerge of him groping up a lady’s big boobs. While flying a blimmin helicopter!

There are some things you do not want to hear over the pilot’s intercom while you’re flying. “Tell Cheryl I love her,” is up there. And now we can add: “Good morning, passengers. My name is Captain David Martz and I am your pilot today. We’re currently flying level at three to four hundred feet, and I’m sucking on a porn star’s tit”.

Pilots face many challenges during the course of their working day: making flight plans, maintaining the aeroplane in a safe and level flying position, deciding whether to have the lark’s tongue or swan’s neck for their cockpit dinner.

Well spare a thought for helicopter pilot David Martz, who has to deal with all of this while at the same time wrestling with a massive pair of pornoknockers. For some reason, photos of this inflight titty-grobbling are causing Martz some problems. Which we don’t get – he’s a hero of the skies as far as we are concerned.

And it seems that the Federal Aviation Authority (the American skypolice) agree with us, because according to TMZ they were “well aware of the escapade and did nothing”. (Not quite true. They actually sent him a cake in the shape of boobies and a letter asking him to “tell us next time you’re gonna do that shit, dude!!!”).

Now the story’s out, though, and the FAA is backpedalling. A spokesthing called McNamara told TMZ that there was“no proof that Martz was flying at the time that the photos were taken”.Whoops. Even Martz himself won’t help them run that line:

“As for McNamara’s claim there was no proof Martz was in the air, you can see the horizon in one of the photos, and you see the airspeed indicator showing the chopper is doing 60 knots (approximately 70 mph). As if that’s not enough, we called Martz this morning and he freely admitted he was flying at the time the photos were taken — he says he was 300 – 400 feet in the air.”

Martz, who handles Tommy Lee‘s chopper when he wants to get it up, gets the last word:  “It’s no big deal. That’s how we roll”.

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Pamela Anderson seems to wish she could return to the past – to a time before hepatitis, miscarriage, divorce, Rick Salomon and definitely, definitely before Kid Rock. The whole world wants to return to that particular time.

But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis.

Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.

Unfortunately not Tommy Lee Jones. Mind – that would be both hilarious and perfect for Pammie’s reality TV show. Especially if Jones was in full ‘Two Face from Batman Forever’ makeup. Seriously – we at hecklerspray should be television executives, we’d make things worth watching again.

But that’s beside the point here.

The point is that Pamela Anderson is in a relationship with a man she’s known for more than 30 minutes – a revelation in itself – and if you add up all the time that she and Tommy Lee have been together it actually comes to more than a week or so. Surely a record for the ex-Baywatch star?

The groundbreaking, world-moving and earth-shattering news came about in an interview with RollingStone.com, when Tommy told the interviewer:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

Well, who wouldn’t be happy with the news that an ageing rocker from a substandard hair metal band and the woman that adorned the walls of every red-blooded male throughout the 90s – purely because she looked good running in super slow-mo – have shacked up (again)?

We certainly are. Because it means we are unlikely to have to report on the trials and tribulations of that no-talent berk Rick Salomon or his equally-pointless, though somehow marginally more annoying (probably because he’s an irritating, weasel-faced little prick) counterpart Kid Rock.

Yes, the world of a semi-stable relationship – that is, semi-stable in the world of Pamela Anderson, of course – is the perfect one for both hecklerspray and Pammie for a couple of fantastic reasons:

1) It means she may actually manage to stay with one man for more than 13 seconds, thus giving her kids the slimmest of chances that they won’t grow up to be utter, complete and total fuck-ups.

2) We won’t have to report on those utter, utter wastes of skin mentioned above any more.

Though we are likely to have to talk about Tommy Lee. Shit.

Trouble is Kid Rock's middle name. Actually it isn't – it's probably Jeb or Enos or Clawfoot or something – but that doesn't matter because Trouble is also Kid Rock's best friend, wife, vicar and Meals On Wheels delivery operative.

Kid Rock is addicted to trouble, and it doesn't matter if it's the sort of trouble that involves physical violence or the sort of trouble that involves making dreadful redneck heavy metal that sounds like it should exclusively soundtrack cross-eyed, chipped-tooth monster truck rallies. But sometimes Kid Rock's penchant for trouble gets him into, um, trouble – like when Kid Rock decided to use the live, globally-televised MTV VMA awards this year to start a fight with Tommy Lee. However, despite everyone in the world seeing Kid Rock and Tommy Lee slapping each other like babies during the awards, police have announced that Kid Rock won't be charged for the brawl, mainly because they need all their MTV VMA manpower to try and pin a charge of Miming With Intent To Appal on Britney Spears.

Eventful occasion, this year's MTV VMA awards. Really MTV should be proud of itself, because it managed to fill this year's awards with Britney Spears being terrible and Shia LaBeouf blabbing the new Indiana Jones movie title and Kanye West shrieking like a nitwit and still end up with a rubbish show. But at least it went down swinging, much like Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, who decided to spend much of their screen time swinging their arms at each other like a couple of yokels trying to swim up a waterfall.

Why Kid Rock and Tommy Lee fought is beyond us. Tommy Lee did try to tell us, but his account was like listening the the violent thoughts of a teenage council estate single mother screaming at her children so we'll just assume it was about Pamela Anderson instead. After the fight it was Kid Rock who was cited for misdemeanour battery by police – a charge which carries a sentence of up to six months in jail – but now Las Vegas police have decided that nobody is actually going to get charged with anything as People reports:

Kid Rock will not be charged in the fight with Tommy Lee at the MTV Video Music Awards, Las Vegas authorities said Monday. "The Clark County District Attorney's Office will not pursue a battery charge," Chief Deputy District Attorney Ron Bloxham tells Extra. "It should be noted that Tommy Lee has requested that there be no prosecution relating to the incident and there were no injuries to either person."

So all's well that ends well, even though we're putting Tommy Lee's kindness down to a desire to team up with Kid Rock and bundle Pamela Anderson's new husband Rick Salomon together, because Pamela's ex-husbands need to stick together. Also, don't worry if you missed the initial Kid Rock/ Tommy Lee fight at the MTV VMAs, because it's starting to look like Kid Rock wants to hold dramatic reconstructions of the scrap at every Waffle House in the land at the moment.

Read more:

Kid Rock Won't Face Charges In VMA Fight – People