Okay. What do we know about Tommy Lee? Firstly, he’s got a massive wang. So big is Tommy Lee’s penis is that it actually has an ankle in the middle of it. We also know that he was in Motley Crue who are one of rock’s more forgettable footnotes. We also know that he’s a toppling dimwit.
And so, add all these things together and add a killer whale into the equation and you’ve got the perfect celebrity story, right? Thick man talks about gigantic, ejaculating member with very little authority, loudly.
Fantastic. So what’s his beef? Well, Tommy doesn’t like the way SeaWorld wank Tilikum with killer whale off. No, seriously.
Tommy Lee is all angry and thrashing his hands around in fury at SeaWorld, calling them “sick and twisted” over the way they (allegedly) treat their most famous Orca’s dick.
The drummer fired off a letter to SeaWorld accusing the park of keeping Tilikum the whale in captivity because, “he is your chief sperm bank.”
He probably thought ‘…and I can, like, totally empathise with that.’
Tilikum, a beast that has made headlines for killing three people for shits and giggles, now has Tommy in his corner, and presumably, this will make the flippered creature even more murderous and distrustful of human beings.
Tommy believes SeaWorld extracts semen from Tilikum in a really nasty way. He says:
“We know from SeaWorld’s own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water.”
“Even in my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted.”
Yeah. Right.
So what to do? Well, Tommy and his friends at PETA want the whale released into the wild where it can be attacked by creatures more used to the feral sea and, presumably, where it will cry mournfully in the night when it just can’t get hold of a cow’s vagina filled with hot water when he wants a quick jizz.
Great stuff. Feel free to make your own ‘free willy’ puns.
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stella says
Aftually, he’s right. Any animal’s semen is extracted in more or less the same way (ask sperm donors). Only filthy human brain could come up with such a perversion.
Tom J says
If he really wanted us to believe that he’s never been wanked off by a cow’s vagina then he shouldn’t have filmed it and spread it all over the internet.
T-Cake says
I’m just glad that there are noble souls like Tommy Lee left in this world. Without them, I’d have no moral compass. Let us all sleep more easily knowing that the killer whales at sea world will no longer get conjugal visits from trainers.