Almost every?person over the age of 30 has seen the video for strip club top 5?jam?”Cherry Pie” at some point?in their life, probably back?when MTV still played music videos.??
Half naked blonde chick, rubbing her crotch all over a car, while stereotypical 80s rock singer who is only hot because he is in a band gets with a girl way too good looking for him.? That half naked blonde chick in this particular instance was Bobbie Brown and she has a new tell all book coming out with some pretty juicy new stories.
Brown talks about almost getting it in with a few now D list actors and musicians, and how she was dumped by Tommy Lee for future hot mess Pamela Anderson.? But it’s her story about Leonardo DiCaprio that is fucking amazing and worth every penny she was paid for the memoir.
Bobbie Brown was one of a handful of big tittied blondes who were famous for, well nothing other than being a big tittied blonde.? After appearing in the “Cherry Pie” video, she went from video groupie to wifed up groupie by marrying the lead singer.? Only a few short years later that ended, and Brown was on a mission to bang half of Hollywood’s most eligible, if not also douchey, men.
In her memoir. Dirty Rocker Boys,?she tells a couple of stories about the time she was with and engaged to the always classy Tommy Lee.? The?two hooked up and for some reason, Brown thought Lee was the marrying type and they eventually?became engaged. ?The original Chris Brown, Bobbie left Lee after he decide choking her out was a good way to deal with his crazy jealousy.?? Instead of feeling guilt or remorse, he ran off with the other famous busty blonde, Pamela Anderson, got married, and?taped themselves doing it on a boat, forever changing internet porn.? After that, Brown decided to take her already terribly low standards lower.
She tells of the time she was going to bang Robin Hood, I mean Kevin Costner.? She went back to his place, all ready to let him spray his Waterworld all over her face, but then she dropped a cigarette on his carpet and almost burned his house down.? Yea,?your home almost becoming a pile of ash is kind of a mood killer, so it’s totally understandable why that didn’t work out.??Then there was the?time she ran into Stephen Dorff at a club, and he used the super sweet (and effective) pick up line of “So, you?wanna go?back to my house and fuck?”? Gosh, is there any wonder why Dorff has never risen past C list??? Surprisingly, she turned him down.
Then she reminisces about Mark McGrath, Dave Navarro, and other rock cock she jumped on.? But none of the stories compare to the juice she is dishing out about the King of the World himself, Leonardo DiCaprio.?? DiCaprio had?supposedly been going up to Brown for a while,?telling her she was going to be his girlfriend, but Brown turned him down because?she was with?Lee and his “baby arm”?dick.?? After Lee traded up for the richer?peroxide model, Brown was on a mission to just sleep with everyone, so when 21 year old?DiCaprio?went up to Brown in a club, she was all about it.
They went back to his place, where Leo showed off his Kirk Cameron approved lady getting techniques.
“We went back to his place that night. Leo had barrettes pulling back his dirty blond hair. He turned on some music and started singing the TLC song Waterfalls to me. It was weird – I wasn’t into it at all.”
Who is not into a little Lisa Left Eye Lopez?? Bitch burns houses down just because.? That is hot.? That is passion.
Brown then pulled down DiCaprio’s corduroy JNCOs and confirmed what every female born between 1970 and 1990 has been wising and hoping for- that homeboy is packing that heat.
“I unbuttoned his jeans and tugged down on his boxers. When I saw made me gasp.? It made no sense. The kid put Tommy Lee to shame.”
Oh yea, the teenage girl inside of me who used to star at my TigerBeat posters is doing cartwheels right now.? And then adult me both laughs and cringes at what Brown reveals DiCaprio asked?next.
“So Bobbie, do you have any diseases? Also what about gonorrhea? Have you been tested for that?”
Now, while very smart, isn’t that some shit that you ask before your junk is out and the girl is in your bedroom?? Obviously Bobbie said no, whether that was the truth or not Leo believed it because then sweet baby face boy rocked that groupie’s world.
“Waves of satisfaction rippled through my body.? If only Tommy Lee could see me now.?He was a unicorn. Rare, innocent, and horny. Me, on? the other hand, I'd been engaged, married and had given birth. I needed a man,? not a man-child.”
Get this girl a Pulitzer Prize for her writing.? I don’t give a crap about anyone else she'slept with, or her drug problems, or any of it.?? Sadly , Brown ended up keeping Leo as a one night stand because she felt a little too pedophile-y to make it long term.
Some Victoria Secret model needs to get herself a secret pasty camera to get a snapshot of this glorious magical enigma.?? Stat.