So when people try messing about with the way she looks, Keira Knightley gets all stroppy. For example, the publicity department of Keira Knightley’s latest movie The Duchess think the film will be more popular if the film’s posters are airbrushed to give Keira Knightley a giant pair of knockers.

And, quite rightly, Keira Knightley has put her foot down. Her body is her body and she doesn’t want to mislead anybody about it. Besides, The Duchess is a costume drama, so the only way anyone can make the film popular is to airbrush a load of dinosaurs and robots and explosions and the phrase ‘It’s OK boys – you see nipples!’ onto the poster. Any fool knows that.

Keira Knightley has always been a bit touchy about certain things. She’s always complaining about the amount of attention she gets, but she usually does it from the front cover of magazines. It’s her body, though, that gets Keira Knightley really riled up.

Keira’s always been strangely bullish about how she looks. She’s happy to admit that she’s skinny, but if you actually call her skinny, Keira Knightley will sue you. And although she’s gone on record in the past about how much she wants bigger breasts, if you try and actually give Keira Knightley bigger breasts she’ll throw a little tiny tantrum about it.

That’s something the studio behind Keira Knightley’s new film The Duchess is starting to discover. The Duchess is about Georgiana Cavendish, the 18th century Duchess of Devonshire – a woman famous for being a bit posh and… look, it doesn’t matter. You’re not going to see The Duchess. Nobody is. It’ll come out, nobody will watch it, Keira Knightley will get nominated for an Oscar for it, nobody will watch it and that’s that.

However, the studio behind The Duchess apparently does want people to go and see it, and its answer was to artificially pump up Keira Knightley’s boobs on the movie poster. It’s simple psychology – increase the size of Keira Knightley’s tits on the poster and men will pay to see the movie, subconsciously believing it to be a porno. It’s true – we only went to see Driving Miss Daisy because of Jessica Tandy’s rocking cleavage on the poster.

But Keira Knightley isn’t having any of it. According to reports, she’s demanded that her boobs stay the same size on posters for The Duchess. Marie Clare reports:

Film studios bosses apparently wanted to enlarge Knightley’s assets in the photos so she appears more buxom in her low-cut period costumes, but the actress has put her foot down and said no. One insider revealed: ‘She has insisted that her figure stay in its natural state. She is proud of her body and doesn’t want it altered.’

Good! In these image-driven times it’s refreshing to see a young lady such as Keira Knightley take control of her identity, to stand up to the ruling patriarchy and firmly assert that she is spirited, independent and proud of her own body. Well done Keira Knightley.

We’re still not going to see your film, though. Seriously, it’s looks fucking dreadful. And your tits look rubbish in it, too.

However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us back, throwing into disarray our previous notion that a child is created using flour, the tears of an orphan, vanilla extract, nail clippings and the sweat from a man/woman depending on what sex you wanted the child to be.

In days gone by, people would takes months to even kiss each other – never mind engage in any sexual goings on. Having a baby would only happen a good few years after marriage, under the eyes of God and surrounded by an approving society. However, we now live in a culture where a girl will flash her tits for half a pint of lager or for a couple of cold chips.

So just imagine our disgust when we found out our number one celebrity fan and all round grasper of swear words Lee Ryan has left his pregnant fiancée of eight months.

Ages ago, Lee Ryan called hecklerspray scribbler Chris Laverty a “cunt” after reading a story about pop-demigods Blue being mime artists on stage. A pop band not singing live? That’s like saying they don’t write their own songs. When will the lies stop?

We decided to stick by our Lee despite his misspelt messages to the hecklerspray Myspace page and sometimes our personal accounts. From the lows of walking out of Hell’s Kitchen and lamping a taxi driver, we’ve been there for our bruv. Granted, there haven’t been any highs for him yet like a Mercury Prize nomination, but we still have expectations of him.

It’s only recently come to our attention that Lee did indeed find love – hooray! We were just about to crack open some Superbrew to celebrate, but then we found out a few things. His girlfriend Samantha Miller didn’t meet him in a fancy restaurant or nightclub. No, she got her tits out and sent him the pictures through Myspace. Who says romance is dead? Not our Lee of course, who fell head over heels for Samantha. Likely because he didn’t have to pay 35p to see a pair of boobs in The Sun.

More than likely this story will be sold to a tacky women’s magazine, but a source told the Daily Star:

“She is distraught and doesn’t know what to do – it is horrible enough to be dumped any time, but with her pregnancy, and all her hopes they would build a future as a family, it has left her in tears.”

In the interests of fairness, a friend of the elephant man – possibly Laverty – said:

“They’ve only been dating a few months and we didn’t expect him to settle down any time soon.”

Samantha was a fan of Blue in her youth and was said to have pictures of Lee all over her room. These days she’s five months pregnant and all alone in the world. It looks like she may have to sell those much-loved wall coverings to afford clothing for the child now.

We believe this proves that Lee is not actually sexually attracted to humans, but actually elephants. No-one with any sort of morals would do such a thing to a lady who’s up the duff. Remember everyone; this is the bloke who thought 9/11 was a drop in the ocean compared to the plight of the elephants.

Reports that he has moulded his penis to resemble an elephant’s trunk are unconfirmed and we aren’t volunteering to find out. Maybe a fan from Myspace can confirm or deny things for us in a few months. Though, to be honest, everyone knows Facebook is where it’s at these days.

However, there is another solution to the question. You see, Katie Price has two names. We’d like to point out that she’s not schizophrenic and doesn’t pick between Jordan and Kate Price depending on if its warm enough to strap on a bikini.

In the early days (aka – the nineties) when she had the body for it, Jordon would get her boobies out for men’s magazines across the land. But they weren’t just any set of knockers. They were mega melons! As big as your head and the weight of seven small puppies.

Then Jordan grew up. Married a dire popstar and wanted people to call her by her real name to be taken more seriously. This approach has landed her a film role. And no, it’s not porn related!

For a glamour model, we do oddly enough believe that Katie Price is one of the only tit-baring ladies that grace the papers to have made a proper career.

Most married men and all women know that eventually, plump and well-rounded breasts don’t last forever. Eventually, things go south, saggy and really horrible to look at. After having more surgery on her tits then Michael Jackson has had on his wonky face, she is apparently happy with them after cracking out a few stupidly-named children.

But what’s a girl to do when your career path is over? After handing the baton over to apparently sexy females such as Megan Fox, she did what any other self-respecting fame-grabbing person would do: Sell out big style and not stop until the whole world knows about you.

We know everything about her and sodden Peter Andre’s spicy sex love secrets and her endless shock stories about her struggle with motherhood. God bless the trashy world of women’s magazine literature.

Despite having a car crash reality TV show which shows us the wacky goings on of the family, this isn’t enough for Katie Price. Like an out-of-control monster, she wants to gobble up as much as she can and become the biggest media whore known to man.

She’s kind of done that in the UK and has now set her beady eyes to Hollywood: The home of botox, shattered dreams and never ending sense of guilt.

According to a deluded source:

“It’s a very good time to be British in Hollywood and you can’t fail to notice Jordan.”

That’s quote couldn’t be more true. Not only does Jordon resemble the middle colour in a set of traffic lights, but her ample chest may also help. It’s an unwritten rule of the world that the bigger the boob, the better opportunity get.

It’s just a shame the producers haven’t seen her appearance on I’m A Celebrity or tried to get their eyes round some of her books.

Still they want her to take part in the making of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark and play a vampire. Quite an odd roll to star as for your first Hollywood job, but it will suit Katie Price. She is quite good at sucking the life out of any opportunity.

Read More – Katie Price ‘to star in vampire movie’ – Digital Spy

As we all know, there are only two things that perpetuate the spinning of the earth on its axis these days – celebrities and naked girls.

They are everywhere, constantly vying for our attention. It’s a daily clash of the titans; one day naked girls will get a unanimous victory, only for celebrities to get their sweet revenge soon after, leaving a bloody pool of tits, ass and ego all over the streets in their wake.

The only time peace can be found is when the two of them merge their awesome powers together, creating that all powerful attention-grabbing freak of nature that is: the naked-girl-celebrity.

The bigger the celebrity the better, and the more naked the better, so this time we’d like to whole-heartedly thank Britney Spears for offering us her celebrity, and semi-thank her the nakedness she merged with it.

As part of Britney’s ongoing comeback, she has returned to the gym in an effort to return her body to the former glories that once made her famous, so that the next time she strides knickerless out of a car door, it will be more like the way a million boys had once dreamt it, and not the bald, playdough fun-killing-factory it turned out to be in reality.

So, if anyone wants to compare their bikini bodies to or knock one off in the name of naked-girl-celebrity, then follow the link below to see pictures taken by some paparazzi fella who was stalking her on the beach.

See Pics Here

Read More – Britney Spears Bodacious Body, Back Taxes – Gossip Girls

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

For she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

“I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.”

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

“You know what I have to say about my father is that I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media as a parent. It is not attractive to me. It really upsets me, and I wish he would stop.”

It is interesting that, in an effort to stop her dad talking to the media about her, she warns him off by saying she doesn’t find it ‘attractive’.

Would, and indeed should, a father be deterred by that fact? Surely, ‘how much is my daughter attracted to me’ is something a dad doesn’t care about?

Lindsay knows her dad better than we do (we imagine), so why would she use that as a weapon against him?

Bow-chicha-wow-wow.

Lindsay Lohan then said:

“There is no reason that anybody should be talking about any personal things that go on in their lives – (err, hello?) - I think people make things up enough and to bring attention to something that is not really going on is unnecessary. It disappoints me, but I have learned to kind of let things roll off my back. I have learned, you know, put a shield up and protect myself as many ways as I can because things get said everyday.”

And she’s absolutely right about that – things do seem to get said everyday. For example, recently her mum declared that we will not get to see Lindsay’s fanny in her upcoming film, which is fine, more than fine in fact.

But would you ever be thankful that your mum had declared such a thing to the press for you? Fair play to Lindsay though, she put up her shield admirably – that time at least.

Now though the shield lays shattered on the floor, among the few remaining shards of her dignity. But that’s never held her back before, and it isn’t about to now either, as we see from the following quotes, in which she discusses her future prospects in the business we so aptly call ‘show’.

Regarding her role in Manson Girls – an upcoming film about Charlie Manson and how he used to murder pregnant women and stuff – she says:

“It is very interesting; my only concern is that it is a little bit dark.”

If that’s your only concern, Lindsay, then maybe that shouldn’t be your only concern – you know what we’re saying? Surely the concern ‘how am I such an idiot?’ is far more pressing? She then went on about her new album of music:

“I am waiting on some people. I am hoping to get some great producers on it as well as the ones that I have, but I really want Timbaland and Akon. I have gone through so much and I think publicly people have seen that and I don’t find that fascinating any more.”

What is she talking about? Don’t talk your life down Lindsay. Of course it’s still fascinating!

Why else would we be writing this very article? There is literally nothing more fascinating happening in the world right now, because if there was, you can rest assured that hecklerspray would be covering it.

What’s that? Darfur what? Huh?

Read More – Lindsay Lohan On Her Dad’s Media Moments: ‘I Wish He Would Stop’ – Access Hollywood

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out for their consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated – the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

According to Access Hollywood, their reporter Billy Brush received an e-mail from Dina Lohan simply saying:

“No, she is not.”

So, that may all but end the chuff-shot speculation, but try and take a positive spin on things here, guys. For example, she hasn’t yet confirmed or denied that Lindsay is actually going to star in this film, just as she hasn’t confirmed or denied that Lindsay’s breasts may make an appearance, meaning it is still possible that you’ll get to see her boobies on a giant cinema screen!

It’s about as common a sight these days as the back of your hand, but still, boobs is boobs, and Lindsay’s bare mammaries are a sight that even Mumma Lohan is a fan of. Though not so much her Dad, of course, the poor bastard. Let us have a minute’s silence for that broken man.

There. We hope he felt that. Michael, you’re forever in hecklerspray’s thoughts.

Read More – Mom Dismisses Lohan Film Nudity Reports – NBC

And the answer is, we just don't know. But still, Paris Hilton did in fact accidentally get her boobs out in a Boston nightclub just after being made Woman Of The Year by the Harvard Lampoon. Poor Paris must have been mortified to fall out of her dress in front of all those people.

But fortunately Paris Hilton was performing Stars Are Blind at the time, so at least nobody noticed her indiscretion because they were all too busy vomiting and screaming in pain and bleeding out of all the holes in their faces.

Interesting what makes the news, isn't it? Take Paris Hilton, for example. Her album was a flop, her new film is a flop, she hasn't got a TV career any more to speak of and she seems to mainly spend her days getting naked in deserts. Nothing that Paris Hilton ever does should be in the news, let alone this.

Paris Hilton showed a bit of nipple when her top came down in Boston last week. And now you can see pictures of it on the internet.

Yes, that'll be the same Paris Hilton who has pretty much already jammed up the internet with naked pictures of herself stuffing a man's erect penis into her gob like a hungry schoolboy. But that's nothing, because now you can see the top of her tit, too, you lucky scamps. The Sun reports that Paris gave her impromptu booby dance after winning the Harvard Lampoon's Woman Of The Year award last week:

Confident Paris reckons she's pretty good on the mic, stepping up on stage to give fans a rendition of her previous single Stars Are Blind… However partygoers were left more dazzled by the blonde socialite's bouncing bangers then her cutesy voice. One said: "Paris certainly knows how to put on an eye-popping show. It was all a little cringey as she belted out her single as she danced on stage, but the highlight was definitely seeing Paris' boobs."

Imagine that being the highlight of your evening – seeing a couple of millimetres of Hiltonipple 20 feet away. God knows what'd happen if the fan ever learnt how to type 'Paris Hilton sex tape' into Google – he'd probably have some kind of debilitating stress-related hernia.

It's been a busy weekend for Paris Hilton all in all, really – there was the fight with Lindsay Lohan, the pitiful underperformace of her new film and now this burst of semi-nudity. But it might have crocked her in the long-term – how on Earth is she ever going to be able to top this?

Maybe it's time for Paris Hilton to pull out the big guns. Yes, we're suggesting that she wets herself in another taxi.

Read more:

Paris Hilton boobs in Boston – The Sun 

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