Spencer Pratt is a thoroughly modern celebrity, in as much that, he’s famous simply because he’s a bit famous. He’s somehow managed to stay in our ears and eyes by making regular and annoying noises, like a child beeping the horn of his mum’s car whilst parked up outside the shops.

Looking at him and his eerie little Aryan face, you wonder what anyone saw in him – ever. Yet, Heidi Montag liked him enough to allow him to get his doo-dah out without screaming at him and clawing his retinas out.

And then he got a divorce and threatened to release a sex-tape of him and his ex-wife, leaving everyone smacking themselves in the forehead, muttering about how he’s always been a prick. And now Spencer agrees that he is, in fact, a tool of epic proportions.

What the rest of the world already knew, Pratt confirmed on his twitter page.

“I need to apologize to Heidi and my 11.5 fans.I’m an epic douche – and you deserve better.”

Get that! He’s gone and counted his fans like some autistic number cruncher in a bean factory. Don’t worry Europe… if you’re still thinking “Who the shitting hell is this Spencer Pratt bloke?”, don’t worry yourself unduly over it. Go back to your biscuits or whatever you were doing. This bloke is a crashing non-entity which we’re using solely in the hope of swagging some traffic from bleary eyed Americans.

Pratt says about his divorce from reality star Heidi Montag:

“Divorce can be a trying, draining, and emotionally devastating experience for all involved.

“Despite these hardships, most individuals manage to conduct themselves with dignity and maturity. I did not – I failed spectacularly.”

He called his actions towards Heidi “infantile.” Infantile tends to suggest throwing strops and wailing a lot, as opposed to, say… we dunno… planning to leak sex tapes, attacking her on twitter and stalking her while she’s on her holidays.

“She never deserved the pain and anguish I put her through, and although I don’t expect it, I hope in time she’ll be able to forgive me.”

Shut your mouth you epic douche.

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You know Heidi Montag don’t you? Sure you do! She’s that woman… y’know? The one who stands in shoes sometimes. The one from The Hills. The one who made an album for some reason. Yeah! That Heidi Montag!

Now she’s cautiously scribbling something in crayon on her CV under the words ‘Brattish Slebritoid”. The words being written down are ‘SEX TAPE’ as apparently, Spencer Pratt, the soon to be ex-husband of the pop-personality, is in the process of selling a knacky vid of the couple going at it like pigs in a sty.

Naturally, it is Vivid Entertainment who are sniffing around and offering up $5 million for the thing, which is roughly $2.5m per inch of Pratt’s erect member.

‘One friend’ of Montag sniffed:

“It’s not just in the height department that Spencer is challenged! When you see what he has been hiding it will make perfect sense to everyone why he talks such a big game. Only a man with a tiny [member] would be such an a*****e.”

Do you think the starred out word is ‘acolyte’?

Anyway, they added:

“All that kid’s insecurities come from the fact that he is a tiny little man. I hope the $5 million will finally make up for what he doesn’t have below but I doubt it.”

Bloody Nora. If he’s as small as they say, then we might have to draw comparisons with someone trying to shag the horizon with a Ladbrokes’ biro.

“It’s all one big joke to Spencer but Heidi isn’t laughing. She is devastated about the thought of a sex tape being released. What hurts her most is that the tape was filmed before she had her plastic surgery. How would you feel seeing yourself on tape not looking your best?”

Sometimes, there are no words.

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We feel for Brad Pitt, we really do – he must wake up every morning, look at Angelina Jolie sleeping next to him and think "Why didn't I stick with that ropey-looking girl from Romeo Is Bleeding?"

But even though Brad Pitt and Juliette Lewis are ancient history, it doesn't mean that Brad didn't leave an impression on Juliette. He did – it's just unfortunate that it was an impression of an underdeveloped pistachio nut hiding in a Brian May wig. Because Brad Pit, according to Juliette Lewis, has a little tiny penis. It's been reported that Juliette Lewis used the Brad Pitt dinky winky anecdote in the middle of a recent concert by her band The Licks in Seattle. And that's a piece of information that those seven people and one injured dog won't forget for a long time.

Brad Pitt has it all – a beautiful girlfriend, all kinds of massive houses around the world, a financially-successful movie career, a much-loved humanitarian streak, children in every colour of the rainbow. But there's one thing that Brad Pitt doesn't have, and that's a penis that doesn't look like the blistered tip of a newborn baby's thumb.

That's according to Juliette Lewis, anyway, who was Brad Pitt's girlfriend back when she was famous. But although Juliette Lewis has now shunned film acting for stumbling around London dressed as a Native American and making a noise like a badger being pushed down the stairs, she hasn't forgotten the good old Brad Pitt days.

Specifically, Juliette Lewis hasn't forgotten the part of the good old Brad Pitt days that involved Pitt prodding her with his penis, which is apparently the size of four grains of sand piled on top of each other. According to veteran gossip columnist Mike Walker:

"After playing a rockin’ set with her band at club Chop Suey in Seattle… Juliette Lewis – who was hot ‘n heavy with hunky Brad Pitt back in the Stoned Age – was mingling at the bar when a wise guy fan blurted out: 'Hey, Juliette, how was Brad Pitt in the sack anyway?'… [Juliette replied] 'He was no… BIG deal, if ya know what I mean! As Juliette turned to head back on stage, the guy yelled: 'Are you saying Brad was the PITTS?' Juliette started laughing so hysterically she banged into a table and sent everyone’s drinks flying – but quickly ordered a round on her and hopped back onstage, still giggling."

We'll say one thing for Juliette Lewis – she might come off as hopelessly bitter by trying to score spurious points by publicly discussing her far more famous ex-boyfriend's penis, but she bloody well loves her puns.

So the question is this: does Brad Pitt really have a set of microscopic genitalia or is Juliette Lewis telling lies to put him down in public? Perhaps the answer is a little bit of both. After all, seeing Juliette Lewis take her clothes off in Strange Days seemed to make most mens' vegetables shrivel up almost to the point of becoming internal, so imagine what looking at her in the flesh must have done to Brad Pitt, the poor lamb.

Read more:

Juliette Lewis Takes a Shot at Angelina Jolie's Man's Manhood, Mocks Pitt? – National Ledger