The woman who can honestly say Brian McFadden was the best she had, is to spend a small fortune on a set of fresh body parts. Despite continually protesting she’s brassic, she’s to splurge £15,000 on the full-body-service including breast reduction and liposuction.

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And in this we are lucky, for today we have heard from him again. Todays post tells of his adventures in a gastric bypass surgery center somewhere off the coast of Whales:

Dearest Readers,

I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be skinny !I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be skinny! I’m gonna be…….

Yours in editing,

Stu

He actually went on like that over the whole front and back. We’ve just spared you quite a bit of useless reading you know. But oh that’s wonderful news for Stu! Well we’ll be dusting off those Jordache jeans you’ve been keeping since the tenth grade – and we’ll have them proudly displayed at the airport when you arrive.

Wonderful news! Huzzah for Stu!

Only it turns out that's not the case at all. The final coroner's report into the untimely death of Donda West – mother of Kanye – has failed to determine a conclusive manner of death, although surgical misadventure has been ruled out.

Great – we can buy Jan Adams' book Everything Women Of Colour Should Know About Cosmetic Surgery in good faith again. It's about time because, as women of colour ourselves, there's just so much we want to know.

There are seven well-established stages in the grieving process – shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression and acceptance – although in the case of Donda West's tragic death we can probably slot an eighth stage entitled 'mercilessly hounding the plastic surgeon' somewhere between anger and depression.

Because once it emerged that Donda West died after receiving cosmetic surgery, everyone naturally turned to the surgeon who performed the procedure for answers. Unfortunately it turns out that Dr Jan Adams, the surgeon in question, had what you might call a bit of a spotty history. 

News outlets were flooded with claims that Jan Adams was constantly getting in trouble for DUI, that he routinely botched breast enlargements and liposuction surgery, that once he sewed a sponge inside a woman by mistake and that he got a woman drunk deliberately so he could get her pregnant. Throw in an almost dementedly suspicious appearance on Larry King and it seemed clear to all that the blame for Donda West's death lay squarely at Jan Adams' feet.

Except it turns out that's not the case at all. The final 17-page coroner's report into Donda West's death was released yesterday and, although it's remarkably inconclusive, it appears to put Jan Adams in the clear. Reuters reports:

In a 17-page final autopsy report, the coroner's office attributed the death of Donda West, 58, to coronary artery disease and a number of factors related to her cosmetic surgery the day before. The final autopsy report released on Thursday is inconclusive, saying that West "died from some pre-existing coronary artery disease and multiple post-operative factors following surgery." Among the factors listed by Deputy Medical Examiner Dr. Luis Pena were aspiration of vomit, focal pneumonia, tight bandaging of the torso and her use of pain medication. "Based on the history and available information, as currently known, the manner of death could not be determined."

So it seems as if Donda West's death was down to a number of unfortunate underlying preexisting complications and can't be pinned to any one solid thing. While this could mean that Donda West's family will be able to move on from this traumatic experience, it's equally likely that it'll kickstart another lengthy round of agonising questions and accusations.

Read more:

Cause of death for Kanye West's mother said unclear – Reuters 

With all signs currently suggesting that Donda West died from complications arising from a simple tummy-tuck procedure, it seems as if Jan Adams – the surgeon who operated on Donda West – would be the natural choice to bear the brunt of the blame. But remember that Donda apparently had a pre-existing medical condition, and that no surgical procedure is ever routine, so it's unfair to lay her death at the surgeon's feet so early on. What's that? Dr Jan Adams has a history of malpractice suits and a medical board tried to revoke his license because he kept getting arrested for DUI? Well in that case it's perfectly fine to blame him.

Plus Jan Adams hosted NBC's male version of The View. The bastard!

There's still a large amount of shock over the tragic, untimely death of Donda West, former chairwoman of Chicago State University's English department and mother of Kanye West. Fans of Kanye West are shocked for their idol, people who knew Donda West personally are stunned that she died so early and regular cosmetic surgery patients must be questioning the safety of the profession now.

Although the real cause of Donda West's death won't be discovered for another six to eight weeks following the results of yesterday's autopsy, it does seem as though complications stemming from her tummy-tuck operation are what killed her. One plastic surgeon has already come forward to say that he previously refused to operate on Donda West because of an existing medical condition, but that didn't seem to stop Dr Jan Adams from having a pop – and that's why the media currently has him as its number one scapegoat.

But of course people were going to start blaming Jan Adams for Donda West's death – if she died after surgery then it's only natural to blame the surgeon – but luckily Dr Jan Adams has a squeaky-clean medical record that should absolve him of any wrongdoing.

Except, actually he hasn't.

It turns out that Dr Jan Adams – who some of you may recognise as the host of Discovery Health's Plastic Surgery: Before and After show, or from his frequent appearances on Oprah, or from his book Everything Women of Color Should Know About Cosmetic Surgery – has constantly been in trouble with the law, and the Medical Board Of California, over his 'multiple' DUI cases. If that wasn't enough, stories of his questionable methods are now constantly being released, like the woman who sued him for malpractice because he left a sponge inside her, the woman who sued him because she says he got her drunk and knocked her up, with other malpractice claims made about Jan Adams' tummy tucks, breast augmentations and liposuction coming out at an unstoppable rate.

All that plus Jan Adams' ex-girlfriend had to get a restraining order out against him. 

As for Donda West specifically, it's been suggested that Jan Adams too eight hours to operate on her – twice as long as usual, suggesting that something may have gone wrong during the operation. And then, once the procedure was over, sources are claiming that Adams sent Donda home instead of a recovery facility.

It might turn out to be the case that Dr Jan Adams did nothing wrong at all during Donda West's tummy-tuck, but we still wouldn't like to be in his shoes at the moment. Especially if he's operated on his own feet in the past because, with his record, there's a chance they'd look like giant clumps of ham. And that'd make wearing shoes awfully uncomfortable.