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Steven Spielberg

Nobody Wants To Pay For Spielberg’s Tintin Flick

by Stuart Heritage

We didn’t moan when the credit crunch meant that our house got repossessed or that we had to give up food, but we never thought Tintin would be taken from us.

Sadly, it looks like it has. Despite being masterminded by Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson – the directors of some of the best loved and wildly overlong films about robot children and big monkeys ever made – it’s been reported that the proposed 3D animated Tintin movie has been passed over by Universal for being too expensive.

We genuinely didn’t see this coming – we knew the global economy was fragile at the moment, but so fragile that the world will be deprived of a movie based on the racially dubious adventures a marginally popular ginger Belgian journalist made using prohibitively costly pioneering technology? We’re in worse trouble than we thought.

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George Lucas: I May Well Make Indiana Jones 5 & I May Well Ruin It Further

by Paul Sorrenti

George Lucas has touched more boys than any other man.

If you happened to have been a boy between 1977 and now then chances are George Lucas has manipulated you in a vulnerable area.

You probably have tapes of the event, graphic reminders of the day Lucas sucked you in. You may find you regularly meet up with similarly touched boys, sharing your life-shattering experiences as some kind of therapy.

What we are alluding to here is that George Lucas is a mass paedophile. No, that’s only a joke suggesting an innocent man is a paedophile, haha, he isn’t; it is of course the hearts and minds of boys that he has manipulated, which is fine, and it seems future generations are in for it too, as George has said he’d like to make Indiana Jones 5 – with Shia Labouef as the lead.

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Steven Spielberg Accused Of Supporting Darfur Genocide

by Paul Sorrenti

‘One World One Dream’ is China’s slogan for the 2008 Olympics which, on the face of it, makes their government seem no more harmful than Bono.

And if Bono rang you up and said he wanted you to be artistic advisor for one of his gigs promoting this ‘One World One Dream’ ideal and he’d pay you a lot of money for it, so much so that the shame of working with U2 was totally rescinded, you’d no doubt quickly jump on board and put on one hell of a 3D laser-fest.

But what if it turned out that Bono, on his days off, in acquiescence to his idyllic showmanship, was financially supporting genocide in Darfur? And what if it turned out that, in the past, in an effort to reach this ‘One World One Dream’ ideal, he had ritualistically executed somewhere between 40 and 90 million of his own fans who didn’t quite ‘get it’? And what if he had scared the Dalai Lama away from his peaceful Tibetan home and into a friendship with Richard Gere? Would you still be happy to dazzle the world with your laser-show?

Of course, that’s all hypothetical; Bono doesn’t have any of those atrocities on his head; he has a whole host of his own to worry about. But the Chinese Government has apparently been funding the Darfur genocide and Steven Spielberg is the man it has hired to advise the artistic development of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, much to the annoyance of UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador and human rights activist/actress Mia Farrow.

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Spielberg Slices Harry Potter To Pieces?

by Stuart Heritage

Let’s say you’re a movie studio and the insanely profitable series of books you’ve been adapting for six years is coming to an end – how do you keep the money flowing?

Simple – you start charging people twice to see one story. If reports are to be believed then Warner Bros is keen on chopping the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows movie into two separate films, possibly with Steven Spielberg directing.

Halving the last Harry Potter would make sense, because one film could focus on the battle with Voldemort and the other could deal with the part where – spoiler alert – Harry Potter jets to Venus to fight the space piranhas.

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Golden Globes: Steven Spielberg Apparently Quite Good

by Stuart Heritage

It’s time to start the pre-Oscars awards hype, and not a moment too soon – we’ve only just regained our breath after, um, you know, that bloke won that award for that film he was in; you know, the one with the men in it.

OK, we’ll admit, the thought of awards season fills us with the kind of gut-knotting horror usually only reserved for directly after hearing the line “and now, ladies and gentlemen, Lee Ryan!” But trying to stop Hollywood’s movie industry hyping its awards season blind months in advance of any actual awards being handed out is an impossible task, which is why we’re just going to roll over and say that at next year’s Golden Globes, the Cecil B. DeMille outstanding contribution award will go to Steven Spielberg, a new up-and-coming arthouse director yet to have his first big hit.

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