And that’s because, as part of Hollywood’s ongoing quest to take every movie that you’ve ever enjoyed and smear a big layer of stupid right across it, it’s thought that Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are all set to team up on a remake of the Korean revenge drama Old Boy.
Nobody knows for sure why Steven Spielberg and Will Smith want to take something as stylish and critically acclaimed as Old Boy and ruin it with a needless remake, but the word on the street is that it’s down to how many things rhyme with Old Boy – like ‘Mould Toy’, ‘Cold Ploy’ and ‘Bold Joy’. That way it’s much easier for Will Smith to rap about it when he comes to record the new Old Boy theme-tune, you see.
Of all the movies that Hollywood is prepared to muck up with a big budget remake, we never assumed that Old Boy would be one of them. That’s because we thought that its themes of incest, mutilation and live octopus-eating would be too risque for any actor or director to commit to.
That goes to show what we know, because it turns out that the world’s biggest director wants to remake Old Boy with the world’s biggest moviestar. That’s right, get ready for Old Boy as reimagined by Steven Spielberg and Will Smith. Variety reports:
Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are in early discussions to collaborate on a remake of Chan Wook-park’s “Oldboy.” DreamWorks is in the process of securing the remake rights. Spielberg had been looking for an opportunity to make a film with Smith, who would play the kidnapped man if all the pieces fall into place. Spielberg is looking for a writer to begin the development process.
Now, look, sometimes it’s OK for Hollywood to remake an Asian movie or two – Martin Scorsese ended up actually improving on Infernal Affairs, and winning an Oscar in the process, when he made The Departed – but remakes of everything from The Ring to The Grudge to Hole In The Wall prove that it isn’t always a good idea.
Maybe Steven Spielberg and Will Smith will prove us wrong with this Old Boy remake – it’s already guaranteed to big a big-hitter at the box office, after all, given Spielberg’s reputation and Will Smith’s uncanny knack for opening any old piece of nonsense, even Hancock. But we still have our doubts.
And that’s mainly to do with the ending. The ending of the original Old Boy is upsetting, irreversible and subtly enigmatic. But if Steven Spielberg and Will Smith know anything, it’s how to muck up an ending beyond comparison.
So maybe people will watch it, but we’re not sure if an Old Boy that ends with Will Smith sewing his tongue back on and somehow saving the planet from a giant robot spider is probably the way to go.