9 - 50 quite good blogs about food – The Times

8 - And now, in startlingly unlikely supergroup news – Bestweekever

7 - Here’s an unusually long palindrome. Hooray for palindromes! - Neatorama

6 – The Cosby Show kids: Where are they now? - Metromix

5 - The world’s longest list of Star Wars quotes that have a word replaced by ‘pants’ - Keeperoflists

4 – Who was dressed horribly at the Brits? Oh, these people – Popsugar

3 - East European lolcats translated into English. In a word: mournful – Rolcats

2 – Today’s lesson: Finnish big band jazz isn’t nearly as awful as it sounds – Quimsy

1 - Warning: this is INCREDIBLY gruesome - I Am Bored

The guy on the end of the phone is not even pretending to be the Dark Lord of the Sith, he’s simply playing parts of the Star Wars trilogy to him, and he still does not get it. Even the heavy breathing does not give him away.

Where has this guy been? Has he never heard of Star Wars?

9 – Edge goes to TGS to prematurely make us feel bad for not being able to afford a bunch of nice-looking games – Edge

8 - Forget everything you were told about The Happening. It looks awesome!

7 – Save the Colony Club. Ta – Savethecolonyclub

6 – Acorn muffins! – Massrecipes

5 – A creepy toy robot that you bum. We think – Best Week Ever

4 – Salma Hayek’s boobs continue their slow invasion of Salma Hayek – Heatworld

3 – Posters from the war, posters from the war - Flickr

2 – Robin Cooper is possibly a genius. Here’s six and a half minutes of evidence – Videojug

1 - The album we can’t stop listening to, two years after we first mentioned it: Songs For Nao. Listen to it entirely here – Lastfm

So it’s a feeling of impending cinematic doom when this new prequel/middle/sequel gets this simplest of iconic moments wrong!

Straight away you feel that your heading downhill with The Clone Wars as it replaces the text crawl with a voiceover narration that feels as jarring as it does patronising. As we get plumped straight into the action we have to get used to the new aesthetic style that matches a wooden finish with that of the prequel trilogy acting. It also dumps the classic musical themes of the saga, instead opting for, among other things, rock-style electric guitar. It’s as bad as it sounds, literally!

The plot concerns Jabba the Hutt’s son being kidnapped, with the Jedis being sent on a rescue mission led by Anakin Skywalker and his new Padawan Ahsoka Tano. Ahsoka is destined to be the next saga character to get speared by the hardcore fanbase. Her entrance in which she nicknames Skywalker ‘Skyguy’ is as cheesy as it is annoying and she continues using this nickname along with other inventive quips throughout the film. Jar Jar, we miss you!

The director has decided to keep talking to a minimal luckily, as the film zooms by from action scene to action scene. Unfortunately none of them are as spectacular as they aspire to be, comparing poorly to that of the prequel trilogy, of which was hardly the pinnacle of excellence with their overreliance on CGI. In fact the film relies too much on action to keep the audience entertained, avoiding focus on its paper-thin plot and ends up making the space battles and lightsabre fights tiresome.

All of the prequel characters are chucked into the mix even if not needed, such as a strange diversion involving Padme and Jabba’s gay uncle from Kentucky, Ziro. Ziro is surprisingly enjoyable, only in a ’so bad its funny’ kind of way, as he lords it up in his fluorescent gay bar. The characters remain faithful to their origins apart from Anakin whose dark edge is all but missing (because the film’s for kids don’t ya know), and it’s strange that he is given a Padawan not just because he was made a Jedi Knight reluctantly but also because Yoda contradicts himself somewhat.

The film isn’t worth these quibbles, as it will be lost in the deep dark Lucasfilm vault under ‘mistakes’ along with the Star Wars Holiday Special and aliens in Indy 4. If you’re a Star Wars fan that doesn’t want to see their precious saga tainted (can’t be many of you left) – then do not go within a 100 yard radius of this film. For everyone else – avoid like you would a Wookie who has just lost a game of chess!

[story by David Scarborough]

Folded:

• Son of Rambow on DVD (the most heart-warming movie experience of the year so far. Blub)
• Cool retro poster for Burn After Reading (God, how good does this film look?)
• John Akii-Bua (interesting documentary on BBC4 about this legendary athlete a couple of weeks back. You probably didn’t watch it)
• Team GB, or the Great British Team to give them their less shit title (well, we done alright, didn’t we?)
• Gillian Anderson (the movie sucked, but she has absolutely still got it)

Creased:

• Quantum of Solace teaser trailer (from the looks of this, Daniel Craig is just going to be thumping everyone he meets for two-plus hours)
• Star Wars: The Clone Wars (enough, George. Enough)
• The X-Factor (enough, Simon. Enough)
• This guy (God knows what his lady is so proud of)
• Karen Taylor and her belt collection (she wears a giant one for every single sketch in her show. Maybe to make her knockers look big, maybe because she’s a bit of a bloater)

For starters, there are six films. Although, to be honest, the three prequels rarely entered our minds when coming up with the list. Then there is the fact that we had to somehow whittle it down to just 10, which is almost impossible.

It could seriously have been a top 100, but there are limits, right? And we really wanted to come up with the perfect 10.

Please feel free to tell us your favourites.

Anyway, here goes:

10. Jabba killed
Return of the Jedi

Now, this could easily have been simply Princess Leia in a gold bikini. But combine it with Princess Leia dressed in a gold bikini choking the life out of a big, fat monster with her slave chain and you get, er, what sounds like a scene from an S&M dungeon.

9. ‘Let’s blow this thing and go home’
A New Hope

We used to know a lad at school who once told us he hated the Star Wars arcade game because he always died in the Death Star trench bit. He said: “I just don’t understand it. It tells me to use the force, so I let go of the controls, but I always crash.” Suffice to say, we had no idea why he did that. Thankfully, Luke Skywalker was not so boneheaded and with a little help from Han Solo finally gets to destroy the Death Star. Just brilliant!

8. Yoda fighting
Attack of the Clones

Yoda finally dropping the hyperbole and picking up his lightsabre was certainly a brave decision by George Lucas. Goodwill towards Lucas was in short supply at that point and he could have got it so wrong. Thankfully, he didn’t. And it is without doubt one of the best scenes in the series and deserves its place.

7. AT-AT attack
The Empire Strikes Back

The Imperial ground assault on the Rebel base on Hoth is certainly one of the most exciting action sequences in the whole series. It happens surprisingly quite early in Empire Strikes Back, and the effects (just about) hold up to today’s standards.

6. Greedo gets it
A New Hope

Greedo’s demise at the hands of Han Solo is certainly one of the most memorable scenes in the series. It’s the climax to an incredible bar scene in Mos Eisley, where we are treated to the strangest creatures ever seen on screen since the Olsen twins.

5. Enter Darth Vader
A New Hope

Has there ever been a better entrance? We really don’t think anyone had ever seen anything like it before.
A really tall, asthmatic guy dressed as a Nazi? Whatever next! Prince Harry maybe?

4. Shot of Luke and the suns
A New Hope
A really poignant moment as Luke Skywalker gazes longingly into the night sky. We’re welling up now just thinking of it. Thinking of it, however, is all we can do at the moment, as we can’t find a damn clip for it. Can you help?

3. ‘I Know’
The Empire Strikes Back

Han Solo responds to Princess Leia’s “I love you” in the only way he knows how. “I know” is the perfect response. It could have been a lot worse. He could have said: “No, I love you more… No, you put the phone down…” Urrgh!

2. Star Destroyer
A New Hope

There are few moments that have captured kids’ imaginations as much as the opening sequence. OK, so maybe we didn’t read the writing at the beginning (too much like school), but suddenly this ship flies into view being attacked by another ship, that just keeps getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. Special effects were never the same again.

1. I am your Father

It’s one of the biggest shocks in movie history and the defining moment of the series.

But maybe as Star Wars fans we see the series through rose-tinted spectacles. Maybe – and it hurts us to say this – it was never that good in the first place. Maybe as impressionable young kids we were just taken for the ride of our life through a galaxy far, far away and totally missed the dodgy script, hammy acting and bloody Ewoks.

All right, maybe not. That’s just crazy talk. But it has made me start thinking about things that could have been better throughout the series – not just the three prequels. What if the Jawas rather than the Ewoks helped the Rebels defeat the Empire on Endor? Would that have been better? Maybe. Would it have been even better if Yoda had done some actual fighting in The Empire Strikes Back? No, probably not.

Oh, and would the world have been a better place if Jar Jar Binks had died horribly at the start of Phantom Menace? Definitely. So what about the characters? Were there any characters that just didn’t quite live up to expectations? Quite possibly. Here’s six…

6. Stormtroopers

After they slaughter the Jawas and murder Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, Obi Wan really bigs them up. He says, “Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.” You must be having a laugh, Kenobi. What he fails to mention, of course, is that they couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. Crack unit?? Forget it. More like on-crack unit! That would also explain the mind control trick working so easily on them.

5. Chewbacca

We remember being very excited about the prospect of him pulling the arms off some Stormtroopers, but it never happened. All he ever did was whine all the time.

4. Anakin Skywalker

No wonder he turned to the dark side of the force. Look, who would you rather invite to your party? The hard-as-nails, tall guy with loads of party tricks and a ready-made costume, or the petulant, annoying bastard who takes himself too seriously. We know who we prefer.

3. Ewoks

Bloody teddy bears! The only reason they put Ewoks in was to attract more girls to buy the action figures.

2. Darth Maul

He should have been so good. He had a double-sided lightsabre for God’s sake. But he was just a dwarf who died pretty quickly. Rubbish.

1. Boba Fett

OK, we all loved Boba Fett – he is a cult character. He was the coolest of all the action figures and was one of the few to actually stand up to Darth Vader. But we feel at little let down by him at hecklerspray towers. Sure, he was the one that tracked down Han Solo and took him to Jabba. But what else did he do? Nothing. To cap things off he gets eaten by a giant anus. Might as well have been Bob Fett.

The jury could have been made up of those blue guys that play the flute and maybe a cute banana with eyeballs that roll back in his head when he’s hungry or scared. Now picture that banana on a lunch pale. Money. That’s money right there.

We’re 90% sure that’s going to be the premise for the upcoming live action Star Wars TV series. Luke finally gets his hand back in the second season and from then on he stores it safely in a split-open tauntaun. We just ruined the season-one cliff-hanger finale for you. A thousand apologies.

A cliff-hanger we won’t ruin for you is that George Lucas is currently suing some guy for making Storm-trooper armour and selling it without permission – and that guy ends up being George’s father.

Sorry. 1,000 apologies.

In the Star Wars universe, the Evil Emperor pays heed to no man. Except for maybe the Green Goblin. We heard the two of them may be dating, and with a nag like that it’s safe to assume the Emp-a-demp-a-ding-dong is paying heed all over the place. Other than that though, he pays heed to no man! He does as he will, sculpting the law to suit his evil purposes! Raising up armies and then cloning them, and then cloning the clones of them as many times as he wants to because nobody can ever stop him!

In this universe, however, things work differently. For instance, our clones here are only retarded sheep with no ability to fire lasers. Another difference is that to obtain legal ramifications on Earth we often have to endure a lengthy court process. George Lucas is learning this now. Again.

He sued Andrew Ainsworth in California a few years ago and won millions. You see Ainsworth was hired onto the original Star Wars movie to make the Stormtrooper armour. He felt it his due to continue using the molds for personal profit once the shoot was over. He also apparently thought it his due to be able to hide from California law in England, and not pay Lucas a dime. CNN fills in the details:

“Lucasfilm claims violation of copyright and trademarks by prop designer Andrew Ainsworth, who sculpted the Stormtrooper helmets for the first “Star Wars” movie in 1977. London-based Ainsworth sells replicas of the helmets and armour, which he says are made from the original molds, on his Web site for up to £1,000 ($2,000; €1,300). Lucasfilm won a $20 million (€25 million) judgement against Ainsworth in a California court in 2006, and is seeking to have it enforced in Britain.”

Ainsworth isn’t paying. He says the copyright is his.

Now you may be thinking to yourself that surely Ainsworth can’t be all that bad. You may also be thinking that the man should be allowed to enjoy the benefits of still having an original mold after all these years, and that this whole lawsuit is ridiculous. If so, perhaps you will change your mind then, when we tell you so far he’s sold to Iran, North Korea, and the raping bully from the Kite Runner.

Now you see the danger. We must keep such technology out of the hands of the nefarious.

There’s no telling what could happen should we fail.

Read More:

Brit Designer Being Sued By George Lucas Over Star Wars’ Helmets – Mirror.UK

But no, he just can't leave it alone. Sodding sod. There's the upcoming not-a-movie movie, the TV series (The Wire crossed with Star Wars?! Yes please, thanks) and the new videogame The Force Unleashed all on the horizon, and it's unlikely that things will slow down any time soon.

But what does all this talk do? Well, it reminds us of all the Star Wars crap we've had rammed down our throats for three decades. Specifically, it reminds us of Star Wars videogames and how mixed a bag they've managed to be over the years. Some have been that good that you can't help but immediately fornicate with the disc/cartridge/arcade machine (risky as the latter may be, with it being a public situation), whereas many more have been so bad it makes you wish Hitler had won.

Nevertheless, in our endless quest to list the tits off everything, here we present our definitive, mega ultra, never-to-be-questioned top five best and worst Star Wars games ever. Now you may think this list has been done a thousand times before all over the internerd and, well, you're right. But shut up, because this time hecklerspray is talking and you better damn well listen.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (except for Teras Kasi, which is the worst game ever made, ever)…

BEST

1. Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR)

So it's a stodgy traditional RPG based on some Dungeons and Dragons rules with only semi-real time combat. So what? You get to design your own Jedi and lightsaber and can follow the path of the Dark Side (or Light if you're a pansy), choking every bugger in the universe into submission, stealing from helpless peasants and not helping old people across the road. Take THAT, Yoda! It's just a shame that the sequel, though just as playable as the first, was ultimately an unfinished mess.

2. The X Wing series (including Tie Fighter!)


Do you remember the 90s? Do you? DO YOU?! Ah, good. When PCs were something of a luxury and we could visit our rich friend's house to play on X-Wing. You were a Rebel pilot, fighting the good fight for freedom in the galaxy. Then they went and brought out Tie Fighter, where you were an utter bastard, crushing the Rebellion. Brillo. The series went on with a few more spin offs, culminating in X-Wing Alliance, a game in which you participated in the attack on the second Death Star in the Millennium Falcon. Damn, we need to go and find our joystick…

3. The Dark Forces/Jedi Knight series


The original Dark Forces game was a solid affair, though written off by many as a simple Doom clone with Stormtroopers. Which, to be fair, it was. By the time the sequel rolled around things changed to the point that involuntary erections were caused the world over. Starting off as a non-Jedi pleb, a short time into the game you received a lightsaber and training in the force. From then on the game went from 'alright' to 'oh dear christ I just chopped his arm off then threw ten of his mates down a chasm USING MY MIND'.

The further sequels weren't as mindblowing as number two, but all of them provided a laugh. And one even provided the real Lando Calrissian! The real one! Though to be fair he probably does do pretty much anything for money these days.

4. The Super series


Super Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi were classics back in the 16-bit days of the SNES, and a bona fide reason why Nintendo's console shat all over the Mega Drive, quality-wise (ah, re-opening age old arguments).

Taking place in the world of the original trilogy, the games saw players fighting through hordes of baddies, aliens, shockingly aggressive indigenous life and AT-ATs. Highlight of the series has to go to Empire – the Hoth defence level is the stuff of legend, and the continue screen where Yoda asks 'Try Again?' only to state "Try not, do, or do not. There is no try" when you press 'yes' (the pedantic little shit) are two immortal highlights of a fantastic series.

5. The Rogue Squadron series


Let's be honest here, the first game wasn't amazing. It was good, entertaining at the very least, but it came across as shockingly mediocre in comparison to fellow N64 title Shadows of the Empire.

Then came Rogue Squadron II, and all mediocrity gave way to one of the best Star Wars experiences ever committed to the world of interactive entertainment. Even though it was fucking hard. A release title on the Gamecube, Rogue Leader was more than just a great game – it was a stunning technical achievement, created in about three days from base materials like wool, ear wax and a kidnapped puppy. The third in the series, Rebel Strike, was pretty much more of the same but added a co-operative mode for the missions of Rogue Leader. Star Bar!

WORST

1. Masters of Teras Kasi


Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahaha haha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha ha! Annnnnd breathe. What in the Salacious Crumb's name were they thinking? Probably: "I know lads, let's make a game like Tekken and Soul Blade, but let's comically make it as if we're all too monged up on spazz-o-drugs to actually, y'know, make it playable in any way, shape or form."

That has to be the reason. There can be no other justification for this utter abortion of a game being released – that's released as in 'actually released for the buying public to part with their cash on'. The mind searches for reason in many things in life – many – but Masters of Teras Kasi is one of those things that the human brain will surely never understand, like Paris Hilton's ability to keep being mentioned by real people or why said 'real' people insist on buying The Sun/Daily Mail/insert name of the rag you hate here. Awful, awful, awful and awful – not even worth tracking down for comedy value. THERE IS NONE.

2. All of the games directly based on Episodes I-III


Episode One had a good tie-in with the Racer game – honestly – but seemingly every other game based on the movies of Episode I, II and III were doggy dirt of the highest order. Specifically, those based directly on the movies, where you were in control of Obi Wan and the like.

How could they make such a generic, boring mess of being in control of jedi characters? Easy, by making Star Wars: The Phantom Menace on the PlayStation, Star Wars: Attack of the Clones on the Game Boy Advance and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith on the PS2, Xbox and others. Broken, boring, rushed and derivative, the only pluses were the fact that you could imagine taking control of Mace Windu and killing the snot out of everything instead. Though really that's either none of these games or just a completely different game, thus nullifying the need to pick up any of these titles. Win!

3. Star Wars: Galaxies


A Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG to the cool kids), Galaxies started out as the idea that made Star Wars fans wet. You would live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and could live out all of your dirtiest Star Wars fantasies. If you fancied yourself as a Boba Fett wannabe, you could be a bounty hunter. If you wanted to follow the path of Luke and co. by becoming a Jedi then… well… you could, technically, but it took quite a long time.

We're talking days of real time in the game, dozens and dozens of hours of play to get there. In the end about two people got there, but then couldn't actually do anything as if they'd got themselves killed, which they likely would, their characters would be lost forever.

Then the game received some updates which totally changed everything, meaning more or less anyone could become a Jedi with the minimum of effort. The people that had made the effort in the first place were, shockingly enough, annoyed. It was something of a broken mess when it was released and they fixed it, but George Lucas must have got involved somewhere because then came the endless sodding tinkering that we all know and love Georgey boy for, and the game was left a broken husk, deserted by all and left to rot in the big online graveyard in the sky.

4. Rebel Assault I and II


Do you remember the days when full motion video was vogue? When every single CD-based game had to have some no-talent assclown 'acting' his or her way through some sets that looked like the local special school had knocked them up on a particularly haphazard Sunday afternoon? Well, all of this looked like Oscar-worthy material when you put it next to the 'games' of the Rebel Assault series.

Pre-videoed footage scrolled along as you slowly moved your crappy cursor around to try and shoot Tie Fighters/Stormtroopers and the like through numerous levels of mind-destroying garbage. You had no control, though in the sequel they added the illusion of control, and each mission was punctuated with some of the worst sub-amateur Star Wars spin off tosh the world has ever seen. We wholeheartedly blame the Mega CD for making these kind of 'games' fashionable. For about a week.

5. Star Wars: Obi Wan

What better way to celebrate the launch of a new console than by bringing out a Star Wars game to coincide with the release? Well, until Rogue Leader came out with the Gamecube we would have gone with: "anything is a better way to celebrate the launch of a new console than by bringing out a Star Wars game to coincide with the release, even cancer." This is how bad Obi Wan made our insides feel.

Like they were being ravaged by one of man's most fearsome enemies. It wasn't literally killing us though, so score one to Obi Wan. But that is the only one it will ever, ever get. As is the case with many awful Star Wars games it was rushed, buggy and controlled as if designed by an idiot savant with no hands, minus the 'savant' aspect. Then Rogue Leader came out as a launch title a couple of months later and we all promptly forgot about this turd that had been force-fed to the early Xbox adopters. Well, most of us did. Some can never forget.

It actually dawned on us when writing this that there are far more good Star Wars games than we remember. We tried lumping entire series into one entry, but that didn't create enough room, so instead we ruthlessly culled a number of titles from the list. Including Lego Star Wars, which still hurts (it can be secret entry number six on the best-o-list, hush down). And that's that – the 'spray has spoken.

[story by Ian Dransfield] 

And it's an offer he's been keen to exploit. This year George Lucas has a new Indiana Jones movie coming out and a new Star Wars movie coming out, plus he's got a 100-episode Star Wars TV show in the pipeline. And the time has come for George Lucas to spout off about all of this at once.

In a nutshell, then – George Lucas expects everyone to hate Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, doesn't really seem too fussed with the new Star Wars movie and has compared the TV show to The Wire. Yay! Possibly.

We get the impression that George Lucas has never heard the terms 'leave them wanting more' and 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. Or perhaps he has, but he misheard them as 'leave them feeling uncomfortably bloated' and 'if it ain't broke, stick a bunch of sodding CGI aliens in it or something anyway'. 

It's this ethos that's made George Lucas make a new Indiana Jones film after almost 20 years, while constantly adding enough peripheral crap to Star Wars that people start forgetting what they liked about it in the first place. Prequels, cartoon spin-offs, holiday specials. more cartoon spin-offs, books, videogames – George Lucas isn't going to stop until you've spent so much money on Star Wars that you have to live in a bivouac made out of damp Special Edition DVDs.

Coming up this summer is Star Wars: The Clone Wars, a cartoon all about that stuff that happened in the other Clone Wars cartoon done in a different way that George Lucas is determined not to call a movie even though it's the same length as a movie and will be released in movie theatres to movie audiences.

And following that is the long-awaited Star Wars TV show, where none of the characters you know or love will do a bunch of stuff you don't care about on the cheap for 100 hours. Exciting, huh? George Lucas seems to think so.

To big-up Star Wars: The Clone Wars, George Lucas appeared at the ShoWest convention and spoke to Entertainment Weekly all about these upcoming projects. Check the full interview for his detailed thoughts, but for now here's a taster.

George Lucas on Star Wars: The Clone Wars:

I sat down and said, ''Okay, the Luke Skywalker story'' — or the Anakin Skywalker story, actually — ''is done.'' But whenever you create a universe, there's just vast areas you've never touched, and part of that was this. Which is to say, ''Well, gee, I did the movies about everything but the Clone Wars, so wouldn't it be fun to do a TV series that is nothing but the Clone Wars, and we could just have all the adventures?''

George Lucas on the Star Wars TV show:

Some of the characters from the features find their way in there, so it's not completely divorced. It's as if we just went down the street and told a different story. You know, we were doing, I don't know, 24, and now we're going to move down the street here and do The Wire. Same thing, it's just different people doing the same thing in the same city.

George Lucas on Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull:

We know that for the fans it won't be the movie that they have been making in their minds for the last 19 years, so they all get bent out of shape. A lot of the critics forget that they didn't like the first three, and so they get off on this one, too — or it's not the Second Coming.

Happily, though, once Indiana Jones is done and Star Wars: The Clone Wars is done and the Star Wars TV show has got to the 100 episode mark and all the Star Wars movies have been made 3D, George Lucas wants to turn his back on those and start making his own movies again.

First on the list is George Lucas' much-anticipated WWII movie Red Tails. And then once he's made that, made a few sequels, done some cartoon spin-offs, brought out computer-enhanced versions of all of these things, made a bunch of prequels, a cartoon movie about the stuff that happened between the sequels and the prequels and then done a Red Tails TV show that hasn't got much to do with anything else, he might even go and make another one.

Read more:

George Lucas on 'Star Wars,' Indiana Jones – EW 

Whether it's pointless shot-by-shot rehashes of Psycho or awful renditions of classic British films such as Get Carter and the Italian Job, it seems nothing is immune to Tinseltown's obsession with recycling. When was the last time producers in Hollywood had an original idea?

Well, hecklerspray has decided to help the ailing American movie monolith by coming up with 10 films they should remake. It hasn't been easy. A lot of films on the list we love. But we are a giving site and have decided to stick our heads on the block. So why do it? Well, like we said, most of the films listed are films we love. But maybe it's time we updated them. That could be for a variety of reasons. Some films started as great ideas but just ended up as a pile of shit, while others have dated badly and could be improved upon by the latest special effects techniques. There are also movies that could simply do with a bath and clean clothing.

Oh, there is one proviso. George Lucas cannot get his hands on any of them. Here goes:

10. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Ok, a controversial choice. Everyone loves this movie. But it is a rites of passage film and for it to succeed with later generations it needs a new set of clothes and a new MP3 collection. Oh, and while you are at it, could you make sure the two girls in it are more attractive than Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy.

9. Ghostbusters (1984)

We know, another controversial choice, but we watched it the other day and the special effects looked really ropey. Of course, when we watched in our youth we thought they were cutting edge. But then again we also thought the Commodore 64 was state-of-the-art technology and Elite was the greatest game ever made. Times change. It's like when you watch those who old dinosaur films from the 50s and 60s and Raquel Welch is being attacked by lizards magnified several times to look big. Ghostbusters is starting to look like that. Just make sure Bill Murray's in it.

8. Jason and the Argonauts (1963)

This is a great movie. But just think what they could do with it now. We would put Peter Jackson at the helm, but only if he agreed to a limit of 1 hour 45 minutes in which to cram it in.

7. Battle Royale (2000)

We're astonished that there hasn't already been an American remake of this hugely popular Japanese cult classic about kids kicking the crap out of each other on an island. Just think of the carnage.

UPDATE: Apparently there was a remake of this, but we rule that it doesn’t count because it had a different name and Vinnie Jones was in it. Nothing starring Vinnie Jones counts.

6. Weird Science (1985)

We mentioned this in the pub the other day and not one person raised any objection. It's a great film and has not particularly dated. The real fascination is over who would play Kelly LeBrock's part. The crap TV series in the 90s does not count.

5. Outlaw (2007)

This much-derided British film about a bunch of ordinary citizens that decide to take the law into their own hands could have been so good – but it really wasn't. Keep the same premise, but give it a much better script and it's a
sure-fire winner.

4. Risky Business (1983)

We love this film, but we just hate the fact that it has Tom Cruise in it.

3. Waterloo (1970)

This is a fabulous film about the last days of Napoleon's reign, but the battle scenes could do with a bit of spicing up. Just as long as whoever does it sticks to the facts. No, the Americans were not there!

2. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956, 1978)

OK, so it's been remade twice already, but both are superb films. Plus, the political undercurrents in the film make it a must to be updated for each generation.

1. The Star Wars prequels (1999-2005)

We know what you are thinking, not again! But remember how excited you were when George Lucas announced he was going to make them. Admit it. You were like a giddy schoolgirl. You didn't know of the horrors there were to unfold: the crap dialogue, the pointless plotlines… Jar Jar bloody Binks. You couldn't wait to see it. Well, imagine if they actually did make it again, but with George Lucas as only a producer, and somebody else directing it, and another person writing the dialogue. Wouldn't it be nice? They could keep Natalie Portman and the kung-fu kicking Yoda and just start again.

We're not violent people, but it looks like this might be the only way to stop George Lucas from making Star Wars movies. Three years after he promised that Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith would be the last Star Wars film, George Lucas has announced that an animated movie called Star Wars: The Clone Wars will be released in August.

Rubbish, we know – but at least Star Wars: The Clone Wars won't have Ewan McGregor in it, so you won't feel the urge to stand up, run down the aisle of the cinema and start smacking at the screens with your fists this time. Oh, who are we kidding, yes you will.

2008 promises to be a big year for George Lucas, because between now and Christmas he looks set to run more of his good ideas into the dirt than ever before.

First comes Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, a kind of follow-up to the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles subtitled the Really Really Stupidly Sodding Old Indiana Jones Chronicles. And now George Lucas has announced the imminent arrival of another Star Wars movie, too. If he gets a wriggle on, Lucas might also be able to churn out a Willow sequel starring a trio of rapping carrots just to get the hat-trick.

But anyway, back to Star Wars – the scab that George Lucas can't stop clawing at. Even though the last three Star Wars prequels served no real purpose other than to destroy people's happy memories of the original Star Wars movies, explain the trade issues of a made-up planet in excruciating detail and introduce the word "Nooooooo!" into people's vocabulary, George Lucas is back for more.

Yes, more. George Lucas has looked at Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack Of The Clones, Revenge Of The Sith, The Star Wars Holiday Special, Caravan Of Courage: An Ewok Adventure, Ewoks: Battle For Endor, Droids, Ewoks, the Clone Wars cartoon, the 219 Star Wars novels, the 96 Star Wars videogames and the Darth Tater Star Wars Mr Potato Head and inexplicably decided that he'd somehow missed a bit.  

Even though George Lucas quit the movie game in 2006 and Lucasfilms last year officially announced that there'd never be another Star Wars movie made, it turns out those were great big fibs – according to the Los Angeles Times, George Lucas has the Star Wars: The Clone Wars movie ready for theatrical release in August:

"Star Wars: The Clone Wars," a new stylized, computer-animated feature film, will open Aug. 15 in theaters… The film and series will center on the wartime tales of Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi and feature Padme Amidala, Mace Windu, Count Dooku and the other characters introduced in the second trilogy of live-action "Star Wars" films that began in 1999. "I felt like there were a lot more 'Star Wars' stories left to tell," Lucas said in a Tuesday press release. "I was eager to start telling some of them through animation and, at the same time, push the art of the animation forward."

Add to this the fact that George Lucas still seems weirdly determined to make that Star Wars TV show and we can draw a couple of conclusions here – either George Lucas has decided that he hasn't quite managed to wring enough cash out of Star Wars yet or he's realised that the only way to make The Phantom Menace look like the masterpiece he wanted it to be is by making stuff that's even worse in comparison.

So what's Star Wars: The Clone Wars going to be like? Apparently it'll differ from the previous Clone Wars cartoon visually – we're promised that it'll have photo-realistic graphics and characters that look like puppets.

So identical to Revenge Of The Sith, then.

Read more:

'Star Wars: The Clone Wars' due Aug. 15 – LA Times 

Oh, and the fact that Hollywood hasn't come up with any original ideas for years. And when they do they want to make the most of it. But sometimes sequels can actually eclipse the original.

It's certainly rare. For every Godfather Part II there is a Speed 2, Ocean's 12 and Another 48 Hours waiting in the wings. For God's sake, this was going to be a a top 10, but we could only think of five.

But anyway, here goes:

5. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Irvin Kershner

Geeks all around the world have been battling with this tricky question for years (or is that light years?) Is The Empire Strikes Back better than Star Wars?

Frankly, get a life.

We would say, as a kid, we probably preferred the original. It's got more action in it; it's got less Yoda talking nonsense in it; and, let's face it, you never forget your first love. But as we get older we start to appreciate the second film a lot more.

There's more Darth Vader; it has the bit in the snow; and it has Boba Fett in it (Don't start, Fett was only added to Star Wars later.)

It's a much darker film, and we can remember as a kid being angry when it finished, which is usually a good sign.

Of course, if we'd have known then that it was going to finish with a teddy bears' picnic (bloody Ewoks!) we would probably have been grateful.
 

4. Terminator II: Judgement Day (1991)

James Cameron

More thrills, more spills and more terminators. It's as simple as that.

You have all the best elements of the first one, but with better special effects. No argument as far as we're concerned.

In fact, the only thing bad about Terminator II: Judgement Day is that it led to the turd that is Terminator 3.
 

3. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

George Romero

After annoying all of the sci-fi fans, we may as well try and irritate the horror fans too.
Okay, there is no denying that Night Of The Living Dead is a true horror classic.

However, Dawn of the Dead is far more shocking, it's funnier and you get to see all of the gruesomeness in colour. Bonus.
 

2. Aliens (1986)

James Cameron

This is another one that has been argued over for far too long.

Okay, look Aliens is just better. It's got more action, more stunning death scenes and more, errr, Aliens.

Why go for one face-sucking, stomach-bursting alien (alright, so that's strictly two) when you can have an army of them?

Case closed. No, argument won.

However, we do feel a bit unclean for nominating two James Cameron films.
 

1. The Godfather II (1974)

Francis Ford Coppola

This was a tough one. Huge fans of the original Godfather.

But the fact that you have got two of possible the finest screen actors around for the price of one just swings it for us.

Al Pacino is, as always, brilliant. But Robert De Niro, who isn't always so brilliant (The Fan and Analyse This anyone?), just shades it.

And anyone who wants to argue could find themselves sleeping with the fishes.

Folded:

• The new and improved iPod Nano (smaller, thinner, cheaper and brilliant. A perfect fit for your Christmas stocking)

• Chubbies (no, not ‘a chubby’ – chubbies. Cute little things that you can place around your computer and knock over from time to time)

• Wearing giant bras on your head while being dragged around the smalls department of Marks and Spencer (never gets old)

• The Nines (a quality, quirky alternative to the ponderous The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford)

• Danny Stack’s screenwriting blog (who isn’t writing a screenplay these days? Danny’s blog is your bible: a really decent chap with more useful advice than Ray Mears in the Sahara desert after a plane crash)

Creased:

• Simple plumbing jobs that turn into WW3 (two guys turn up to fix the problem, they call two more guys; those two guys bring bigger hammers and bigger drills: Crash! your house is detonated in a blizzard of plaster dust and half-empty coffee mugs)

• 101 Number Ones (more like 101 Number Twos, this appalling CD collection actually opens, opens, with Reet Petite)

• Transformers on DVD (just as bad as it was at the cinema, with the possible silver lining of being able to take an undisturbed nap whenever you feel like it)

• The 'What’s hot and what’s not’ section of The Guardian’s Weekend magazine and their feeble rubbishing of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (it’s thanks to drippy fashion journalists like these who spend their days shrieking about leggings that this great show got cancelled in the first place. They should keep their mouths shut)

• Heat stickers (quite apart from being this ghastly magazine’s most tacky promotion ever, they really hit a new low by printing a photograph of Jordan’s disabled son Harvey alongside the jibe ‘Harvey wants to eat me’. Nice going there, sleazeballs)