Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry!  Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.

So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we?  O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.

Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.

Here at hecklerspray, in a brand new feature, we hope to eradicate all that shame, and take Twitter back to the haven that it once was when it started all the way back when in 2006, when times were simpler, and Twitter looked like this.

We have taken it upon ourselves, and only us alone, (like that bit in The Matrix where they let Keanu Reeves have some lunch on a bench because he didn’t feel like chatting) to sort out this whole sorry mess, in a mature, selfless and all manner of sexy way, and single handedly try and solve every single  problem one of our HAPPYFACE-challenged celebrity friends have found themselves taking to Twitter for help this week.  Or about five or six or something. Come on.

GLADIATORS READY.

@Christine Bleakley: “How amazing were our celebs tonight. The best bunch ever xx”

Phew.

Hey Christine, welcome to hecklerspray!

Although this isn’t strictly a question, we think we see what you’re trying to say. You feel so overwhelmed by the plight of the celebrity subconscious that you are fearful you won’t live up to your standards. Like those press cars shrieking down that secluded French alley that brutally butchered the Princess of Wales: not with flying bits of metal and internal bleeding: But with curiosity. Yes, we totally understand. We get that too. We just don’t varnish or try and be happy. So, as you were saying, Christine. You’re really worried about dying. Well Christine, no one wants to die. But unfortunately, we all do – but never fear. In these waking moments before the inevitable strikes, we suggest spending time with loved ones, cancelling all your TV contracts if needs be, and just getting the most Christine Bleakley can get out of being Christine Bleakley.

If you’re curious now, we hear freezing to death is actually quite euphoric. Thanks for writing in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Ah, well that’s very good news, Julian. You clearly appreciate good cosmetics. Not all problems have to be bad. Thanks for checking in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.“

Oh.

@thekeithchegwin: “What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”

Hi there Keith.

We don’t know!

@thekeithchegwin: “Half of Essex“

Ah we see. Very amusing.

@SnoopDogg: “wat u on 2day? it’s #puffpuffpasstuesdays!!“

@Dane Bowers: “Why do people always point out miskeyed tweets or misspelling?! So what! Keys are pretty close together people! Bore off!!“

Dear Dane,

Come on, sport. It’s not like you to get all boiled up in such idle pedantry. Just think of what championed wordsmith Hunter S Thompson, or Dane Bowers might say! Oh wait – how embarassing. THAT’S YOU! Just remember, it’s important to keep face (Especially your lovely one with all that Dane Bowers molecular structure all over it. Phwoar.) at times like this. So somebody ‘miskeyed’. Big whoop. We’re sure even Queen Elizabeth or Stevie Wonder did once too.  Just remember, you always will be the one who wrote ‘Shut Up And Forget About It’ in 2009, Dane. That will never not be you.

“Hope your silicone bursts
You’ll never get signed
But I feel sorry for you
‘Cause your baby is blind”

@MissAmyChilds: “Really random bit I must be the only person that doesn’t like nandos x”

Hi Amy,

We have to say we were rather moved by this. It’s not every day you get a celebrity quite as upbeat and up for a laugh as yourself on Twitter these days. And considering you look mid-arterial embolism 80% of the time, it makes what you have had the guts to tell us here even more admirable.

So, feeling left out from the pack. Amy, this is unfortunately commonplace, especially for a girl with your particular choice of zany hue for a hair colour. First and foremost, the thing to know is this: It’s not your fault. Nandos does serve, admittedly, quite a lot of chicken. And hey, not everyone likes chicken. The key thing to remember is this does not make you a freakish bog-eyed ITV2 psychopath. It does not. Far from it. As for those people who say that all neutral flavoured things transgress back to tasting like chicken? Nought but lonely young boys with eating disorders whom’s nerves have been deadened by the lack of a motherly touch, pretending the air surrounding Robin Williams is actual food. So we’d say you have the edge on them at least, Amy.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Sorry Alex, we’re just not emotionally stable enough to deal with this right now.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Oh GOD FINE. We’ll deal with the Alex Reid thing.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Dear Alex,

All of that is amazing and we know it must be hard having a baby with Chantelle Houghton. Especially with Beyonce and Jay Z copying your exact idea and then writing cruel songs about how Beyonce can’t have a miscarriage because she’s magic. As for all of the other things you mentioned. Well it’s fairly easy to decipher.

WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORGSIJSOISJPSOIKSO

Christ…

And there you have it, another week of celebrity mishaps all cleaned up. If you come across any lost souls, collecting their jars of hearts, tearing their love apart because they’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside their soul, then please do not hesitate to email in or leave a comment, and you could be saving a life too. Such as Michael Barrymore and his constant conquest to get in touch with Dara O’Briain. And remember, Dr Heckle is only licensed to deal with menial problems such as these. For emotional health and race hate, go to Dear Deidre.

Goodnight!

What do we know about Snoop Dogg? Well, firstly, he’s a rapper. Secondly, he’s all long, thin and funny looking. Thirdly, he likes weed. He really, really like his cheeba. He mentions it all the time. So much so that you might think he protest too much and that he’s actually never tried it.

Or he didn’t inhale.

Alas, that hasn’t stopped him getting arrested in Texas this week after another canine with a nose for skunk uncovered a rake of marijuana on his tour bus. Seriously. We just assumed that he’s ALWAYS got a buncha hash about his person at all times. Why he’s not constantly being checked up on by the police is a mystery.

A law enforcement source told the ambulance chasing TMZ that Snoop’s tour bus was stopped at a border patrol checkpoint in Sierra Blanca. Another celebrity got checked for weed there too – say hi to Constantly Going On About Weed Willie Nelson. And yep, he got his collar felt by those same cops back in 2010.

Of course, the funny thing is, Snoop spoke up for Willie when he was arrested, saying:

“They better leave Willie the f**k alone.”

To add to that, they even cut a hilariously terrible song together. It’s called ‘My Medicine’ and we couldn’t begin to imagine what that might be a euphemism for.

Either way, the border patrol inspected the bus with their sniffer dog and BOOM, let us just check this waste bin here! Ah yes! Snoop Dogg In Drug Owning Shocker. Not too cleverly, Snoop… or at least, someone on his tour bus (him), tried to hide some joints in a red prescription bottle.

Of course, Snoop has a prescription for cannabis in California, but alas, that prescription cuts no ice in Texas. Oh. And they hate black people in Texas, so there’s that as well.

More news if we can be bothered to find it.

Are you the kind of person who wants to ditch your normally boring mates and hang around with some celebrities instead? Of course you are. That’s all anyone really wants. Celebrities have helicopters and diamond socks while your awful mates have overdrafts and microwave meals.

If that’s the case then, you’ll be wanting to hang around with Snoop Dogg won’t you? You’ll be able to drop it like it’s hot, whatever it is.

And so, our new chums from Xbox and Ibiza Rocks are running a competition to make your dreams come true, and all you have to do is recall the best moments of summer. You have to keep reading this article as well though, you idle oaf.

Xbox and Ibiza Rocks have been running two competitions this summer.

The first gave you plebs the chance to be the Xbox “man on the ground” over summer, with three winners spending six weeks in Ibiza, with all that music and lack of sleep to enjoy. People like Plan B and Example were mooching around too, posing for various photographs and no doubt wearing three-quarter length shorts.

Celebrities love doing that don’t they? And you love hanging around with them because they make you feel special by association.

Anyway, having already given away three VIP trips to Ibiza, Xbox are closing the hot fun in the summertime with a chance to win a meet-and-greet gig experience with Snoop Dogg on his autumn tour in the UK (Echo Arena, Liverpool) including travel, accommodation and food/drink.

This competition involves creating an interactive map which shows fans’ ultimate summer memories, via the Xbox – Ibiza Memories fanpage: http://apps.facebook.com/xboxibizamemories/

Remember that time your mate broke his arm when flying into the sea from one of those inflatable sea-bananas being dragged along by a madman in a speed boat? Remember having fun with friends as that jelly fish tried to mate with that sunburned tourist? Remember your chum waking up inside a wasp’s nest? Mark them on the map! Winning stuff by remembering your summer holidays is good.

If you win, you receive:

• Travel to and from Liverpool (Up to a total value of £100)

• Overnight hotel accommodation in Liverpool

• Food and Drink allowance (up to £100)

• 2 x standing tickets to the show (10/10/11) (general admission)

• 2 x Individual photos with Snoop Dogg

• 2 x Autographed items

Competition closes 23^rd September.

Visit http://apps.facebook.com/xboxibizamemories/ for terms and conditions of the Ibiza Memories competition.

So there you go. You’re armed with the chance to hang around with Snoop Dizzle. All you have to do is enter the competition now!

Sponsored Post

Viral video by ebuzzing

THE BIG DOG IS IN THE HOUSE! 6 words that, when you hear them on the radio, let you know that it’s time to change the station, because the whitest man in history, Tim Westwood, is about to start broadcasting.

It’s fairly safe to say we all hate Westwood, after all what is there to love about a man who looks like a geography teacher painfully trying to hard to appear ‘street’ to keep his pupils interested?

But none of us seem to hate Westwood quite as much as Mark Bulcock.

Mr. Bulcock is currently in court for sending a series of threatening texts to the 53 year old DJ. A man Bulcock claims he, “admires.”

We can’t really blame Bulcock for sending abusive texts to Westwood, if any of us were forced to listen to a man over half a century old telling us how ‘fly’ that latest ‘snoop joint’ was then we’d probably just start sending torrents of abuse to him too.

However, this isn’t exactly the worst thing Westwood has had to put up with in his life. There was the time he got shot and the time he had to host Pimp My Ride UK, both of which were equally painful. Admittedly though, the latter was only painful to everyone else besides Westwood.

Whilst the Big Dog continues to occupy the house it doesn’t appear as if he’ll be dominating the court (the actual court, not the basketball court) with his mad lyrical skillz anytime soon. However, Bulcock will be back in the courthouse next month to be sentenced.

With Bulcock safely under lock and key we can all rest assured that Tim Westwood will live to offend our ears another day.

It’d be nice if, just once, the big dog would actually just stay in the house.

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What does Snoop Dogg like? He likes weed. He likes expensive brandy. He likes his bitches in bikinis gyrating sexlessly by the pool. He likes all three at once while smirking at his cross-country runner torso and making up his own language… y’know, the same way lonely children do?

And with the rapper’s 40th birthday due (Yeah! 40! He seems much, much older doesn’t he?) imminent, we can all assume that he wants to combine his love of endo, hos and whatnot for the party to end all parties, right?

WRONG! MASSIVELY WRONG! HOW STUPID YOU ARE!

Fact is, D-t’tha-O-double-G wants a nice, quiet night in when he hits the big Four-Oh later this year and plans to spend it with his nana.

He says about his big day:

“More people worry about my birthday than I do”

“I’m more concerned about my grandmother’s birthday, my wife’s birthday. I’m more about giving.

“I’m not into doing things for myself because a lot of great things have already happened to me. To be alive and spend time with my grandma is enough.”

So instead of being surrounded by obese assistants (all rappers have at least one of those) and draping thousands of dollars worth of diamonds around his neck with a custom-made necklace shaped like a weed-leaf, he’ll be sitting before the telly (on full-blast, obviously), next to a two-bar heater drinking strong tea and listening to complaints about immigrants before indulging in a light game of Rummy, with matchsticks replacing money.

He might have a big glass of pop as well, if he behaves himself.

PS: Well done if you read the previous article and saw this piece coming.

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There are loads of differences between Snoop Dogg and hecklerspray. The most obvious is the jet set lifestyle, stupidly sized mansion and the ability to string words together to form coherent sentences.

The only thing we’ve achieved to date has been conquering our local takeaway’s challenge, “the kebab of doom” which is a meal comprised of the mangled carcasses of multiple animals, piled 5ft high in a pitta, with a secret Creme Egg centre. Finish it and you get a free can of pop.

We always thought that our food feat gave us one-over on Snoop Dogg, but not content with speaking like a child who has their own comedy language, the rapper has decided to venture in to the world of snacks, taking away our only glory. Given some of the lyrical content that Snoop raps about, tucking in to something tasty would probably be quite refreshing given the after effects of certain types of cigarettes.

Like everyone else, we’re dubious when people use their position to start going down other avenues they normally wouldn’t had access to. Look at Bono for example – not only is he filling the ears of people with liquid shite, but he also likes to tell us all about the plight of poor starving African children. All good and well on paper, but when you consider that Bono doesn’t pay tax on all his earnings, it seems slightly hypocritical.

But Snoop Dogg is different to Bono. He seems the sort of person that would introduce you to booze at twelve years old at a BBQ and accompany you to the newsagents so you can buy your first bongo mag. Therefore, we don’t mind him flooding the market with more products embossed with his name. Following a flop TV show and a couple of recent ropey albums, he can’t count on former glories forever. One of the new products he plans to launch is a range of hot dogs. Given the swagger and confidence of most rappers, we’re surprised he didn’t compare the meaty snack to his penis size:

“My Snoop Dogg hot dogs will be coming out soon. The foot-long Snoop Dogg hot dog, you hear me? The ice cream shit is going to happen as soon as possible. Snoop’s Scoops.”

In a world where babies are classed as obese as soon as they appear from the womb, Snoop Dogg has thought ahead to make sure he gets on the right side of the health fanatics. Again, we’re going to go in with stereotype and assuming that Snoop won’t be dishing out aerobic instructions in a pair of tight spandex pants [What a fantastic idea! - Ed.]. Instead, we fully imagine a bevy of ladies prancing around in a DVD that scrapes the boundaries of soft porn and novelty hip-hop video. Snoop added:

“Man, I know how to work that shit off. How? I’ve got a brand new exercise that I like to do. I’m going to put out this tape so you can all see it.”

We can imagine the badvertising for the food and DVD now

“Sucked down a load of Snoop Doggs big and long sausages? Burn it all off with a crunking hot work out that’ll make you make you yelp like a little bitch.”

Hopefully, he’ll put some booze in ‘em like when he made mashed-potato with Martha Stewart.

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Remember when Charlie Sheen was an amusing trainwreck? Sadly, Sheeno became self-aware and, after a brief imperial moment when everyone thought he could walk on water, everyone got very tired of him and wished that he’s start on the drugs again.

No interviews – just drugs.

Well, despite the fact that his flash-in-the-pan revival has dissipated, that hasn’t stopped him from jumping up and down on our collective bed shouting “ME! ME! ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT CHARLIE SHEEN! OVER HERE! ME! I CAN DO A FORWARD ROLL! ME!”, or, in reality, started work on a record with Snoop Dogg who will put his name to anything, provided the money is right.

Of course, Snoop will be missing the recently departed Nate Dogg and there’s a bit of us all that would like Charlie Sheen to fill Nate’s boots – mainly the expiring from a massive stroke thing.

Anyway, while this Snoop/Sheen thing sounds kinda funny, there is some awful, awful news.

Charlie Sheen was pictured in the studio with Snoop Dogg and… here’s the depressing part… someone who has something to do with puny, posing Nu Metallers, Korn (Rob Patterson is the name, should you be the kind of dipstick who likes them).

Sheen wrote:

“Warlock meets his makers-music makers that is @SnoopDogg @robpatterson666 get ready to rock the Sheenius within”

Jesus, Joseph and Mary – this is getting incredibly tiresome isn’t? Should we put the scuppers on any Sheen articles as of now, or do you all want to witness each slide toward his inevitable and premature death?

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

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Given the technology that our advertising ancestors had 50 years ago, you’d expect that people today would be tuning in to see commercials rather than the TV programmes itself.

If this theory was correct, then the BBC would be sent into oblivion overnight as thousands of people eagerly waited for the Loose Women to shut up and go to a break. Actually, that does happen every time the show is on.

One medium which is becoming increasingly annoying is the film world. Gone are the days of original fresh content. Now we have sequels following prequels and adaptations of books you could never be bothered to read when you were younger. Surely advertisers would never stoop so low as to copy this format and product place branded items into a well known movie scene? The people at Adidas disagree, and have roped in some famous faces to flog some clothes to you.

The Adidas Originals brand is brilliant in so many ways. Whilst it’s billed as a slick and trendy brand, it’s far from unique. Mass-produced clothing that was sewn together in third world countries hardly makes you stand out from the crowd. But then again, people like to be told what to do these days. Especially if famous people are involved!

Starting with French dance duo Daft Punk, they arrive at a bar with gay robot icon C3PO and R2D2 and then we’re taken back to a golden scene from cinema! That all so familiar bar scene from Star Wars has now been taken over with all sorts of misplaced famous people. Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown are laughing like morons at the back of the bar. You have to hand it to them for still being popular despite only releasing one decent album each.

Snoop Dogg takes centre stage, making himself look like a prime tit with his acting that makes us wish he was an alien from another galaxy far, far away. The director presumably thought that because of his gangster hood past, he’d be perfect for causing trouble. Most bar fights don’t usually end in melted punters, but due to escapism we can at least live the dream of pushing someone out the way.

But hold everything. David Beckham then enters the frame! Even though he flicks between playing football in Italy and the joke American league, he is still a cultural icon. And he did this all by himself and doesn’t need to rely on his partner for boosting his fame, because that’s Victoria Beckham‘s job. Seeing as he continually knacks his feet in, a cameo appearance in this advert probably got him out of heating up a lasagne for tea that evening.

If this is going to be the trend of remixing old footage to vaguely plug some sort of product, it does leave us quite excited. Especially if Justin Bieber has to promote some sort of biscuit during a 12-round fight with Rocky.

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LOL! I just had the most hilarious dream. In it, a bunch of classic Johnny Cash songs got highly unnecessary remixes and rejigs from the likes of Snoop Dogg, Midnight Juggernauts and Pete Rock. LOL!

And it was all overseen by Johnny Cash’s own son, too! LOL! I tell ya, in my dream I laughed so darn hard that I urinated all over myself. In my dream.

And yet… Why are my legs so warm, wet and itchy? Oh, it’s because the whole project is trufax and the sheer laziness of it has infected me and my ability to control my urethral sphincter.
Johnny Cash Remixed is apparently the brainfart of the Man In Black’s own son, John Carter Cash, but the blame can’t be laid solely at his face; Beyonce‘s dadda Matthew Knowles is involved, and Snoop Dogg is credited as a ‘co-executive producer’.

Snoop appears on the album’s version of Walk The Line, and you’ll be underjoyed to hear he adds the following, highly predictable contributions to the track’s opening seconds:

“What it do, what it do… Big Snoop Dogg… Johnny Cash… remix…”

Nice of him to clear up which version we’re listening to. Also, nice of him to give himself top billing. Richly deserved.

If you’re concerned that’s the only gem in the Snoop/Cash mash, however, fret not – there’s also the near-inevitable:

“JC and me, Dee Oh Double G…”

Elsewhere on the aberration you’ll find the appropriately named Count Da Money Remix of Big River, and Alabama 3 cannily hopping on the bandwagon of another rebel entity with which they’re somewhat unworthy of being associated (see also: The Sopranos).

The best tracks are probably those like the aforementioned Big River and the Pete Rock rejig of Folsom Prison Blues, both of which add modern beatiness to the originals and little else.

At this point I’d like to highlight that I’m not one of those bores who believes in musical sacred cows. If an artist can cover/remix something and make it interesting, good luck to them.

Johnny Cash managed that himself of course, his quivering timbre providing stark interpretations of Nine Inch Nails‘ Hurt and Depeche Mode‘s Personal Jesus amongst others on his 2002 album American IV: The Man Comes Around.

Johnny Cash Remixed, you can be assured, will not be remembered as fondly as that record. Its lazy remixes will sound dated within a year, and it’s difficult to figure out to whom it will appeal.

At least JXL’s Elvis remix, A Little Less Conversation, was big-beat lunacy. The people behind Johnny Cash Remixed could have garnered some bewildered, possibly ironic goodwill if they’d really gone to town and, I dunno, commissioned a dubstep overhaul of Ring Of Fire. And anyone who’s heard Hervé’s Ghetto Bass album knows that, given half a chance, he could crack A Boy Named Sue open and electrify its musty old innards into some kind of dancefloor shitstorm. In a good way.

Of course the chances are “JC” is chuckling from beyond the grave at the sheer brazen hucksterism of the project as it is. But a nice racket is only a nice racket if it makes money, and it’s frankly hard to see who’s going to buy Johnny Cash Remixed. It’s apparently released on June 15th, in case you have too much money lying around.

This was a guest blog by Stuart Waterman from the frankly rather good My Chemical Toilet.

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Do the 18″ spinning rims on your lawn mower get rain-spotted because you don’t have any kind of a structure to keep it in? Is your rake plated in gold but you’d never know it because it got lost under a pile of leaves last fall due to piss poor tool organisation? Whenever you’re in the Home Depot do you think your experience would be better if only the air was a touch more skunky?

Well have we got good news for you – You may be able to solve all those issues soon with the help of Snoop Doggy Dogg. He’s selling his old garden shed on eBay. That’s right, on eBay – so someone like you can help keep up hip hop’s proud tradition of extremely precise lawn care.

Now right off the bat you may think there’s absolutely no need to purchase Snoop’s old backyard tool shed. You may even think that although it looked real nice in the rapper’s backyard it would probably just crowd your livingroom.

To that we say this – don’t lose this chance so foolishly. After all, this is the same garden shed Snoop was wearing when he infamously got kicked out of Heathrow, and its the same shed he was wearing while he did almost a literal 1000 hours of community service for something or other.

Still not convinced it’d be a smart buy? But it’s for charity you selfish boob. As E! Online puts it:

“The hip-hop star is putting his favorite old backyard haunt—where he’s done some serious woodshedding over the years to craft some of his biggest hits and hang out with some of music’s brightest luminaries—on the eBay auction block to raise funds for Snoop’s Youth Football League.

“”I’ve had this shed since tha turn of tha century,” Snoop tells E! News. “I’ve beaten over 1,000 people in Madden in it, watched football game tape, seen the Lakers win championships, and, most of all, written hits in it.”"

And if that still doesn’t convince you the Dogg is prepared to sweeten the deal by throwing in the butler that’s been permanently assigned to the building for at least the past two years. And if you act now you can get a free diamond encrusted carrot peeler. It sounds tacky but it actually looks quite nice.

Surely by now you must be wondering where you can buy such a fine backyard product while financially contributing to little boys in padding tackling each other. Well, the link is right here.

Better click fast – its already over $1000.

With an option to rent to own.

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10 - A little old, but who doesn’t love a spot of good old-fashioned turkey slaughter…

9 - Oh, but what about the frogs? – Kontraband

8 - Hooray for potentially deadly car crashes, especially when they’re set to music like this! - YouTube

7 – Truck falls on man. Man doesn’t die - I Am Bored

6 - MONKEY IN A BATH! – National Geographic

5 - What do you call a man with bricks on his head? A colossal dimwit – Evilchili

4 - Blockbuster starts a home download service. To ease the transition, all movies downloaded in the first year will skip, jam up and come in a virtual box that smells like it was once used as a tiny cat litter tray – Movies.sc

3 - A list of IQs by profession. Hey truck drivers! This isn’t a particularly good day to be you - Neatorama

2 - Still, it’s good to see that Snoop Dogg hasn’t lost any of his gangsta credentials, isn’t it - Comedy

1 - You will never, ever, be even a tenth as cool as this lizard – YouTube

You think you have someone pinned for who they are and what they’re like, then they have to bloody well go and mix everything up by going and doing something stupid.

Which is exactly what ol’ D-O-double G Snoop Dogg has gone and done. Or, more accurately – has gone and not done.

It’s a given that normally you can rely on the Dizzle to carry a baton through customs, get arrested for carrying a gun and some naughty substances around in his car or simply to get banned from a country.

But oh no, not this time. He has to go and be all ‘not arrested’ and stuff.

Maybe Snoop really has decided that he should have a cleaner image than that he has portrayed for so many years. His apparent partnership with David Beckham was intended to save the universe, after all. The universe in California, at least. Through the power of football.

Hmm. At least he’s trying, eh?

As if to add credibility to his claims that he is a changed man, Snoop Dogg was recently not arrested – you read that right, he was absolutely not arrested – on drug possession charges. While out on tour with his posse, Snoop’s tour bus was pulled over by the federals for having an expired registration sticker. What followed was nothing short of a miracle.

Rather than, as we would expect, the police entering the vehicle, having a slight altercation, then leaving with the Doggyizzleshizzle in handcuffs, they left with two completely different people. Checks were made and it turned out that neither of them were Snoop in disguise – in fact, neither of them even had names that sounded like Snoop.

While it was adjudged to be a mistake initially, it soon transpired that the police involved in the arrests had not made a mistake, and for probably the first time in his life Snoop Dogg had managed to escape arrest through the benefit of not having committed any crime.

Wonders in this world never cease.

No, far from the story that has been written approximately once every week and a half for the last 20 years – ‘Snoop Dogg Arrested For [inset crime here]‘ – Ethan Calhoun and Kevin Barkey are the names on the lips of the police and all reporters. Unfortunately, no one knows who they actually are, bar their names and the fact that they were part of Snoop’s posse. As a result, all headlines still refer to Snoop Dogg‘s involvement.

It’s a funny old world.

Hopefully this slight deviation won’t become common practice for the lanky raptist (that’s ‘rap artist’, for those wondering) and he can soon return to his usual ways of doing something stupid, getting arrested, saying ‘izzle’ on the end of words in a irritating fashion, doing another stupid thing, getting arrested again and so on and so forth. Otherwise we’re going to have to start getting used to him being an ‘innocent bystander’.

Frankly, that just doesn’t fit.

There comes a point in everyone’s life when they need a change. Some people might think of switching their job to get that tingly feeling of happiness back. Others however might do something a bit more drastic and alter their body.

In the case of Michael Jackson, he went from black to white overnight. Other people like Puff Daddy change their name to even stranger things like P Diddy. And now another idiot is going to do the same given the advice from another moron.

Say hello to D-Beck, courtesy of Snoop Dogg. 

As we’ve been told before, it’s not a good idea to piss off a bunch of rock hard gangsters. Soon, we could be literally swimming with the fishes, the shopping trolleys and the other rubbish that gets thrown in to the sea. Though to be fair, could you really see someone like David Beckham – sorry, D-Beck – taking us out in some sort of hit? No neither can we.

Any sort of sane person would never give a man with the brain the size of pea a weapon capable of inflicting damage on people. More than likely he’ll be allowed to play gangsters as a reward for not bruising his thigh and being sidelined for eight months while pocketing thousands of dollars a week in LA for playing a sport that's as important to Americans as salad. We’re quite sure that D-Beck will be quite happy playing with a potato gun to shoot all the rival imaginary mafia drug lords. It’ll be the closest thing he’ll ever come to popping a cap in someone’s ass.

So what’s came over our cherished English rose? Usually David Beckham only needs to change his haircut and everyone goes loopy. But not this time. It seems that D-Beck has been hanging out with some unsavoury characters who are luring him down the path of oversized jewellery and hos. But who could this rascal be? Why it’s everyone’s favourite animal named rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg. 

Everyone knows about Snoop Dogg. Unfortunately a little bit too much. From trying to take weapons on planes and then not being able to understand why, this role model for all children loves a quick toke on the old cannabis stick whilst being arrested for various illegal activities. We’re sure it won’t be to long and he’ll be locked up alongside fellow rap stars Foxy Brown and The Game. A rapper in trouble! There’s a rare occurrence. 

Snoop and Beckham go way back, but now David's on Snoop's turf, he has to play by Snoop's rules. And those rules include giving himself a silly name. According to The Sun: 

“Snoop thought the name David was a bit boring, and he wasn’t too impressed by Becks either.” 

Despite his name now sounding like a new brand of Becks lager, Posh is reported to like his new christened name, giving her another nickname for her husband to memorise, alongside 'Golden Balls', 'Moronic' and 'The Sole Reason Why I’m Famous.'  

God only knows what’s next for our favourite exported footballer. But when the D-Beck sing-a-long rap album comes out, then we’ll be worried. We won’t know whether to laugh or cry. More than likely though, it’ll be laughter. 

Read more:

Rap fave D Beck gets respec' – The Sun

When it comes to telling people about good weed, Snoop Dogg is the man. Or, if you wanna be street like hecklerspray, then he’s da man – right kids?

Either way he’d clearly be a good man to turn to in times of need – you’ve got to give him his dues. Also, if you ever felt yourself thinking "I really want to listen to someone who can spell out their name in a variety of different ways," then Snoop Dogg is definitely da man – he has spent his entire career seemingly doing little else than pushing back the boundaries of that particular art form – you really do have to give him his dues.

But is Snoop Dogg da man to turn to when looking for advice on the Democratic preliminaries? Shall we find out? Yeah, let’s find out.

In an interview with CNN’s Larry King – aired on Friday 9pm – Snoop Dogg said:

“I just want to see somebody win in the best interest of America — whether it be [Obama], a black man, or whether it be Hillary, a woman, either one is a great move for America.”

Just like to thank Snoop there for confirming to any doubters out there that Hilary Clinton is indeed a woman. Keep going Dogg:

“We need change. We need somebody in there that's about listening to the people and representing the people. I think both of the candidates will do that.”

Can you actually believe this man duetted with Rage Against the Machine? What were they thinking? Sorry, Dogg, keep going:

“In the past we had presidential candidates like [Rev.] Jesse Jackson. We didn't really think he can win. Right now people feel like this man could really win. He's got the right thing going for him. He's got the right conversation.”

That’s all very well, but could you try and be a bit more vague?

“He's in line with the right scenario to win. Whether he wins or loses, he made a great step for black America by even stepping to the table and pulling off something like this – I'm not down with the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I represent the Gangsta Party."

Yes. He represents the Gangsta party, who – it turns out – vote for the Democratic Party. The Democrats – a party who have invested millions upon millions in the war against drugs, and have been known to give marijuana dealers sentences that outstretch that of a paedophile. How do you spell sell-out, Snoop? We’re sure you can think of some ways.

If you remain a fan of Snoop, even after this career-ending article, then you may be interested to know that he releases his ninth studio album, Ego Trippin, on March 17, which may include the rapping skills of David Beckham.

Read more: 

Snoop Dogg torn between Obama, Clinton – CNN

Snoop Dogg, it would seem, is getting ever more anxious to shed that bad-boy image of his.

Let's face it: that's going to be a tall order. After countless years of inspiring legions of lower middle class Colchester teenagers to believe that smoking the odd joint makes them 'street' and that their 10-year-old Vauxhall Nova is actually some sort of pimpmobile, it's a long rocky road to salvation he faces.

So who has he dragged in to help? Which brain-bulging luminary has old Dogg decided will provide him with the best chance to turn his life around?

David Beckham, that's who.

Apparently Snoop and Becks are teaming up to help 'save lives' in California's poorest and most crime-ridden areas. Ignoring the most obvious way to achieve this – by strapping on those Batman and Robin costumes and launching their own brand of vigilante justice – they reckon that the way to cure the ghetto's laundry list of social ills is to introduce kids to 'soccer and American football'.

Snoop explained:

"We're going to be trying to save lives. We will be going in to do different things and I hope someone cares. I hope this proves I do other things than go to jail, smoke weed and go back to jail. With me, the media is usually most concerned with conflicts and altercations."

Now, hecklerspray can't really fault the motivation behind all of this. Seems that both celebs genuinely want to make a social difference. But Christ, trying to tackle a culture of violence by introducing kids to football – a game played entirely by Neanderthal cretins – is like trying to discourage obesity by hurling KFC Buckets into the Magic Numbers' dressing room.

Oh well. At least their hearts are in the right place, even if their sense of logic or reason isn't. And hopefully the scheme will be more successful than that time hecklerspray boldly wandered through Brixton with an Atmosfear board game hoping to discourage the locals from a life of crime by introducing them to the majesty of The Gatekeeper.

We never did get that dice back.

Read More:

Snoop Dogg To 'Save Lives' With Beckham – FemaleFirst