LOL! I just had the most hilarious dream. In it, a bunch of classic Johnny Cash songs got highly unnecessary remixes and rejigs from the likes of Snoop Dogg, Midnight Juggernauts and Pete Rock. LOL!

And it was all overseen by Johnny Cash’s own son, too! LOL! I tell ya, in my dream I laughed so darn hard that I urinated all over myself. In my dream.

And yet… Why are my legs so warm, wet and itchy? Oh, it’s because the whole project is trufax and the sheer laziness of it has infected me and my ability to control my urethral sphincter.
Johnny Cash Remixed is apparently the brainfart of the Man In Black’s own son, John Carter Cash, but the blame can’t be laid solely at his face; Beyonce’s dadda Matthew Knowles is involved, and Snoop Dogg is credited as a ‘co-executive producer’.

Snoop appears on the album’s version of Walk The Line, and you’ll be underjoyed to hear he adds the following, highly predictable contributions to the track’s opening seconds:

“What it do, what it do… Big Snoop Dogg… Johnny Cash… remix…”

Nice of him to clear up which version we’re listening to. Also, nice of him to give himself top billing. Richly deserved.

If you’re concerned that’s the only gem in the Snoop/Cash mash, however, fret not – there’s also the near-inevitable:

“JC and me, Dee Oh Double G…”

Elsewhere on the aberration you’ll find the appropriately named Count Da Money Remix of Big River, and Alabama 3 cannily hopping on the bandwagon of another rebel entity with which they’re somewhat unworthy of being associated (see also: The Sopranos).

The best tracks are probably those like the aforementioned Big River and the Pete Rock rejig of Folsom Prison Blues, both of which add modern beatiness to the originals and little else.

At this point I’d like to highlight that I’m not one of those bores who believes in musical sacred cows. If an artist can cover/remix something and make it interesting, good luck to them.

Johnny Cash managed that himself of course, his quivering timbre providing stark interpretations of Nine Inch Nails‘ Hurt and Depeche Mode’s Personal Jesus amongst others on his 2002 album American IV: The Man Comes Around.

Johnny Cash Remixed, you can be assured, will not be remembered as fondly as that record. Its lazy remixes will sound dated within a year, and it’s difficult to figure out to whom it will appeal.

At least JXL’s Elvis remix, A Little Less Conversation, was big-beat lunacy. The people behind Johnny Cash Remixed could have garnered some bewildered, possibly ironic goodwill if they’d really gone to town and, I dunno, commissioned a dubstep overhaul of Ring Of Fire. And anyone who’s heard Hervé’s Ghetto Bass album knows that, given half a chance, he could crack A Boy Named Sue open and electrify its musty old innards into some kind of dancefloor shitstorm. In a good way.

Of course the chances are “JC” is chuckling from beyond the grave at the sheer brazen hucksterism of the project as it is. But a nice racket is only a nice racket if it makes money, and it’s frankly hard to see who’s going to buy Johnny Cash Remixed. It’s apparently released on June 15th, in case you have too much money lying around.

This was a guest blog by Stuart Waterman from the frankly rather good My Chemical Toilet.

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Well have we got good news for you – You may be able to solve all those issues soon with the help of Snoop Doggy Dogg. He’s selling his old garden shed on eBay. That’s right, on eBay – so someone like you can help keep up hip hop’s proud tradition of extremely precise lawn care.

Now right off the bat you may think there’s absolutely no need to purchase Snoop’s old backyard tool shed. You may even think that although it looked real nice in the rapper’s backyard it would probably just crowd your livingroom.

To that we say this – don’t lose this chance so foolishly. After all, this is the same garden shed Snoop was wearing when he infamously got kicked out of Heathrow, and its the same shed he was wearing while he did almost a literal 1000 hours of community service for something or other.

Still not convinced it’d be a smart buy? But it’s for charity you selfish boob. As E! Online puts it:

“The hip-hop star is putting his favorite old backyard haunt—where he’s done some serious woodshedding over the years to craft some of his biggest hits and hang out with some of music’s brightest luminaries—on the eBay auction block to raise funds for Snoop’s Youth Football League.

“”I’ve had this shed since tha turn of tha century,” Snoop tells E! News. “I’ve beaten over 1,000 people in Madden in it, watched football game tape, seen the Lakers win championships, and, most of all, written hits in it.”"

And if that still doesn’t convince you the Dogg is prepared to sweeten the deal by throwing in the butler that’s been permanently assigned to the building for at least the past two years. And if you act now you can get a free diamond encrusted carrot peeler. It sounds tacky but it actually looks quite nice.

Surely by now you must be wondering where you can buy such a fine backyard product while financially contributing to little boys in padding tackling each other. Well, the link is right here.

Better click fast – its already over $1000.

With an option to rent to own.

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9 - Oh, but what about the frogs? – Kontraband

8 - Hooray for potentially deadly car crashes, especially when they’re set to music like this! - YouTube

7 – Truck falls on man. Man doesn’t die - I Am Bored

6 - MONKEY IN A BATH! – National Geographic

5 - What do you call a man with bricks on his head? A colossal dimwit – Evilchili

4 - Blockbuster starts a home download service. To ease the transition, all movies downloaded in the first year will skip, jam up and come in a virtual box that smells like it was once used as a tiny cat litter tray – Movies.sc

3 - A list of IQs by profession. Hey truck drivers! This isn’t a particularly good day to be you - Neatorama

2 - Still, it’s good to see that Snoop Dogg hasn’t lost any of his gangsta credentials, isn’t it - Comedy

1 - You will never, ever, be even a tenth as cool as this lizard – YouTube

Which is exactly what ol’ D-O-double G Snoop Dogg has gone and done. Or, more accurately – has gone and not done.

It’s a given that normally you can rely on the Dizzle to carry a baton through customs, get arrested for carrying a gun and some naughty substances around in his car or simply to get banned from a country.

But oh no, not this time. He has to go and be all ‘not arrested’ and stuff.

Maybe Snoop really has decided that he should have a cleaner image than that he has portrayed for so many years. His apparent partnership with David Beckham was intended to save the universe, after all. The universe in California, at least. Through the power of football.

Hmm. At least he’s trying, eh?

As if to add credibility to his claims that he is a changed man, Snoop Dogg was recently not arrested – you read that right, he was absolutely not arrested – on drug possession charges. While out on tour with his posse, Snoop’s tour bus was pulled over by the federals for having an expired registration sticker. What followed was nothing short of a miracle.

Rather than, as we would expect, the police entering the vehicle, having a slight altercation, then leaving with the Doggyizzleshizzle in handcuffs, they left with two completely different people. Checks were made and it turned out that neither of them were Snoop in disguise – in fact, neither of them even had names that sounded like Snoop.

While it was adjudged to be a mistake initially, it soon transpired that the police involved in the arrests had not made a mistake, and for probably the first time in his life Snoop Dogg had managed to escape arrest through the benefit of not having committed any crime.

Wonders in this world never cease.

No, far from the story that has been written approximately once every week and a half for the last 20 years – ‘Snoop Dogg Arrested For [inset crime here]‘ – Ethan Calhoun and Kevin Barkey are the names on the lips of the police and all reporters. Unfortunately, no one knows who they actually are, bar their names and the fact that they were part of Snoop’s posse. As a result, all headlines still refer to Snoop Dogg’s involvement.

It’s a funny old world.

Hopefully this slight deviation won’t become common practice for the lanky raptist (that’s ‘rap artist’, for those wondering) and he can soon return to his usual ways of doing something stupid, getting arrested, saying ‘izzle’ on the end of words in a irritating fashion, doing another stupid thing, getting arrested again and so on and so forth. Otherwise we’re going to have to start getting used to him being an ‘innocent bystander’.

Frankly, that just doesn’t fit.

In the case of Michael Jackson, he went from black to white overnight. Other people like Puff Daddy change their name to even stranger things like P Diddy. And now another idiot is going to do the same given the advice from another moron.

Say hello to D-Beck, courtesy of Snoop Dogg. 

As we’ve been told before, it’s not a good idea to piss off a bunch of rock hard gangsters. Soon, we could be literally swimming with the fishes, the shopping trolleys and the other rubbish that gets thrown in to the sea. Though to be fair, could you really see someone like David Beckham – sorry, D-Beck – taking us out in some sort of hit? No neither can we.

Any sort of sane person would never give a man with the brain the size of pea a weapon capable of inflicting damage on people. More than likely he’ll be allowed to play gangsters as a reward for not bruising his thigh and being sidelined for eight months while pocketing thousands of dollars a week in LA for playing a sport that's as important to Americans as salad. We’re quite sure that D-Beck will be quite happy playing with a potato gun to shoot all the rival imaginary mafia drug lords. It’ll be the closest thing he’ll ever come to popping a cap in someone’s ass.

So what’s came over our cherished English rose? Usually David Beckham only needs to change his haircut and everyone goes loopy. But not this time. It seems that D-Beck has been hanging out with some unsavoury characters who are luring him down the path of oversized jewellery and hos. But who could this rascal be? Why it’s everyone’s favourite animal named rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg. 

Everyone knows about Snoop Dogg. Unfortunately a little bit too much. From trying to take weapons on planes and then not being able to understand why, this role model for all children loves a quick toke on the old cannabis stick whilst being arrested for various illegal activities. We’re sure it won’t be to long and he’ll be locked up alongside fellow rap stars Foxy Brown and The Game. A rapper in trouble! There’s a rare occurrence. 

Snoop and Beckham go way back, but now David's on Snoop's turf, he has to play by Snoop's rules. And those rules include giving himself a silly name. According to The Sun: 

“Snoop thought the name David was a bit boring, and he wasn’t too impressed by Becks either.” 

Despite his name now sounding like a new brand of Becks lager, Posh is reported to like his new christened name, giving her another nickname for her husband to memorise, alongside 'Golden Balls', 'Moronic' and 'The Sole Reason Why I’m Famous.'  

God only knows what’s next for our favourite exported footballer. But when the D-Beck sing-a-long rap album comes out, then we’ll be worried. We won’t know whether to laugh or cry. More than likely though, it’ll be laughter. 

Read more:

Rap fave D Beck gets respec' – The Sun

Either way he’d clearly be a good man to turn to in times of need – you’ve got to give him his dues. Also, if you ever felt yourself thinking "I really want to listen to someone who can spell out their name in a variety of different ways," then Snoop Dogg is definitely da man – he has spent his entire career seemingly doing little else than pushing back the boundaries of that particular art form – you really do have to give him his dues.

But is Snoop Dogg da man to turn to when looking for advice on the Democratic preliminaries? Shall we find out? Yeah, let’s find out.

In an interview with CNN’s Larry King – aired on Friday 9pm – Snoop Dogg said:

“I just want to see somebody win in the best interest of America — whether it be [Obama], a black man, or whether it be Hillary, a woman, either one is a great move for America.”

Just like to thank Snoop there for confirming to any doubters out there that Hilary Clinton is indeed a woman. Keep going Dogg:

“We need change. We need somebody in there that's about listening to the people and representing the people. I think both of the candidates will do that.”

Can you actually believe this man duetted with Rage Against the Machine? What were they thinking? Sorry, Dogg, keep going:

“In the past we had presidential candidates like [Rev.] Jesse Jackson. We didn't really think he can win. Right now people feel like this man could really win. He's got the right thing going for him. He's got the right conversation.”

That’s all very well, but could you try and be a bit more vague?

“He's in line with the right scenario to win. Whether he wins or loses, he made a great step for black America by even stepping to the table and pulling off something like this – I'm not down with the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I represent the Gangsta Party."

Yes. He represents the Gangsta party, who – it turns out – vote for the Democratic Party. The Democrats – a party who have invested millions upon millions in the war against drugs, and have been known to give marijuana dealers sentences that outstretch that of a paedophile. How do you spell sell-out, Snoop? We’re sure you can think of some ways.

If you remain a fan of Snoop, even after this career-ending article, then you may be interested to know that he releases his ninth studio album, Ego Trippin, on March 17, which may include the rapping skills of David Beckham.

Read more: 

Snoop Dogg torn between Obama, Clinton – CNN

Let's face it: that's going to be a tall order. After countless years of inspiring legions of lower middle class Colchester teenagers to believe that smoking the odd joint makes them 'street' and that their 10-year-old Vauxhall Nova is actually some sort of pimpmobile, it's a long rocky road to salvation he faces.

So who has he dragged in to help? Which brain-bulging luminary has old Dogg decided will provide him with the best chance to turn his life around?

David Beckham, that's who.

Apparently Snoop and Becks are teaming up to help 'save lives' in California's poorest and most crime-ridden areas. Ignoring the most obvious way to achieve this – by strapping on those Batman and Robin costumes and launching their own brand of vigilante justice – they reckon that the way to cure the ghetto's laundry list of social ills is to introduce kids to 'soccer and American football'.

Snoop explained:

"We're going to be trying to save lives. We will be going in to do different things and I hope someone cares. I hope this proves I do other things than go to jail, smoke weed and go back to jail. With me, the media is usually most concerned with conflicts and altercations."

Now, hecklerspray can't really fault the motivation behind all of this. Seems that both celebs genuinely want to make a social difference. But Christ, trying to tackle a culture of violence by introducing kids to football – a game played entirely by Neanderthal cretins – is like trying to discourage obesity by hurling KFC Buckets into the Magic Numbers' dressing room.

Oh well. At least their hearts are in the right place, even if their sense of logic or reason isn't. And hopefully the scheme will be more successful than that time hecklerspray boldly wandered through Brixton with an Atmosfear board game hoping to discourage the locals from a life of crime by introducing them to the majesty of The Gatekeeper.

We never did get that dice back.

Read More:

Snoop Dogg To 'Save Lives' With Beckham – FemaleFirst