Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?

Bradley Cooper!

Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?

That’s right! Bradley Cooper from… uh… ummm… that thing… ah… and Ryan Reynolds who… ummm… was in… he, ah… ummm…

Anyway, they’ve been declared the Sexiest Men Alive by People. That’s People Magazine, not some random people we asked on the street.

Cooper, who was totally brilliant when he was in that thing we saw… well… he was pretty sexy anyway, said of this dubious accolade:

“The first thing I thought [when I was named Sexiest Man Alive] was, ‘My mother is going to be so happy”

Now Cooper is the Sexiest Man On Earth, his mum will, by law, have to start being sexually attracted to her own son. What a weird and sexy scenario.

In addition to Sexy Cooper, the list also features, Liam Hemsworth, Idris Elba, Justin Theroux, Chris Evans, Tim McGraw, Josh Charles, Joel McHale, Jason Momoa, Alec Baldwin, Dylan McDermott, and Ryan Gosling who is still staring into the middle-distance looking like someone working out a tricky maths problem.

How amazingly sexy this all is.

WAIT! BRADLEY COOPER HAS A WONKY EYE LIKE ALFRED E. NEUMAN FROM MAD MAGAZINE! That’s so not sexy. That’s anti-sexy. Like a German reading a phonebook.

Blecch.

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Oh People magazine, you’re such terrible sluts. Don’t bother trying to hide it – we can see straight through you.

Look at how you’re treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That’s right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY.

You only love Johnny Depp for his money don’t you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion – it’s his money. We’ll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But hecklerspray, surely Johnny Depp isn’t the sexiest man alive. Surely it’s you or – at a push – Robert Pattinson. But not Johnny Depp.” And that’s where you’d be wrong. Firstly, we’ve been ruled ineligible for People‘s Sexiest Man Alive title on account of our bizarre face and horrible personality. And secondly, Robert Pattinson isn’t sexy. Yes, he makes people involuntarily wet themselves, but so does diabetes and that’s not especially sexy, is it?

So no. Forget Robert Pattinson. It’s Johnny Depp who’s the sexiest man alive. People magazine said so yesterday, so it must be true. And, yes, we know that People magazine also once said that Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey were also the sexiest men alive, but you have to forgive it for those years – it was going through a lot at work and was probably on some sort of antibiotics that impaired its judgement or something. But that’s all in the past now.

So when People magazine says that Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive, you have to believe it. Especially when it can back up its claims with stone-cold reasoning like this:

From a sexy swashbuckler in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise to quirkier roles like Edward Scissorhands, the 46-year-old star has had women swooning since his days as a teen detective on 21 Jump Street. Yet it’s his devotion to his family that really makes the actor so endearing. “I could sit there all day and do nothing but watch them grow,” he’s said of children. “I’m totally inspired by them.”

You see, men? What’s really sexy is being dependable and devoted to your family. And if that describes you, then deep down you’re as sexy as Johnny Depp. True, less people will want to sleep with you because you only wear tatty old clothes that are covered in baby sick and you generally don’t seem very motivated, plus you aren’t able to earn $35 million for dressing up in a silly costume and running around in a funny way, plus you’re flabby and pallid and balding whereas Johnny Depp is none of those things despite being much older than you. But aside from that, you’re just as sexy.

You’re not. You’re nowhere near as sexy as Johnny Depp. In a line-up comprised of you, Johnny Depp and a toilet that’s full of tramp sick, women would always pick you last. All women. Even your own wife. We think that’s what People magazine is getting at, anyway.

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Hugh Jackman. Just the name alone is enough to make women scratch their heads, check IMDb, realise who he is and then go weak at the knees.

It must be true, because Hugh Jackman has just been named as People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But wasn’t Matt Damon named the sexiest man alive by People magazine last year?” And the answer is yes. Yes he was. But following Matt Damon’s tragic death before the release of The Dark Knight this year, it’s time to pick a new Sexiest Man Alive. And that man is Hugh Jac… wait, we were thinking of Heath Ledger weren’t we? Whoops.

Anyway, why is Hugh Jackman People’s Sexiest Man Alive? Because he’s got a film out, that’s why. Any other reasons? Probably not, no.

People‘s Sexiest Man Of The Year award has become a proud tradition in recent years – a proud tradition where the list is published on the internet and we look through it as fast as we can before angrily punching stuff because we’re not in the top 15 even though both Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell and Michael Phelps are, despite Michael Phelps having a face that objectively looks like a spatchcock.

But anyway, bitterness aside, it would appear that 2008 would be a good year to be Hugh Jackman. For, having wrestled the mantle from Matt Damon and George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey, Hugh Jackman has been named as the Sexiest Man Alive. And here’s People magazine’s gushing description of Jackman, just to make all the men in the world understand as clearly as possible that they’re gruesome uggos compared to him:

At 6-foot-2, all scruff and biceps, Hugh Jackman looms large in the epic “Australia,” which he says kept him “dirty 95 percent of the time” and left people stammering, “Oh … my … God,” according to costar Nicole Kidman, who adds, “Women’s jaws drop when Hugh walks into a room.”

Well, not all women’s jaws, obviously – thanks to all the Botox that she looks like she’s had, the only way that Nicole Kidman can drop her jaw these days is with the aid of a hairdryer and a mechanical jack – but that’s beside the point.

Of course Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man alive. Who can forget his sexy magnetism in the X-Men movies and, um, you know, his other films. Like, oh, you know, that film about the magician. And the film where Halle Berry took her top off. And, oh, the film about the rats in the toilet! He was good in that.

And we’re certain that Hugh Jackman will be good in that Australia film that’s coming out. You know, that new film that was plagued by early casting and filming difficulties and that’s been getting some bad early reviews lately and would probably do anything to get some decent publicity, even getting their star named in a magazine’s pointless list of sexy actors.

Yeah, we’re sure he’s great in that.

And, yes, it’s bitterness. Shh.

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In addition to gloom, cold and toffee apples, November is primarily famous for making all men everywhere feel like flabby globs of unattractive and unloved cholesterol, thanks to People's Sexiest Man Alive list.

2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we – like all other men if they're honest – have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.

For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.

Now that he's stopped making hilarious films about the exploits of two cojoined twins, Matt Damon has started to get taken seriously. After his turn in Oscar-winner The Departed and box-office destroyer The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon has hardly put a foot wrong, aside from Ocean's Thirteen which was so awful that it made us want to smack the eyes out of our faces.

And how is Matt Damon being rewarded for his new-found megastardom? By coming first in a number of ultimately meaningless surveys, that's how. This summer Matt Damon was voted the best-value actor in all of Hollywood and now he's also been voted as the sexiest man alive by People magazine. Sexy and good value? That's like going to Lidl and seeing that their meat salad contains identifiable meat as well as actual salad instead of a just handful of Spam mixed up with  some mayonnaise like usual.

But how can Matt Damon be People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive when just last year George Clooney was given the title, as was Matthew McConaughey the year before that? Well, the truth is that they've both recently been killed. But don't mourn Clooney or McConaughey for too long, because Matt Damon is the new sexy king and by Christ does he ever want to boast about it:

"You gave an aging suburban dad the ego boost of a lifetime. My 9-year-old stepdaughter now thinks I'm cool — well, cooler. At the risk of being forward, if you asked me (which you didn't) I would suggest Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for this award. He's like a taller, better-looking version of me anyway. Plus, he's the best quarterback in the history of football."

Yeah, we're sure that Matt Damon's stepdaughter is thrilled that she gets to live with a man who's contractually obliged to spend the next 12 months preening himself like some sort of sexy peacock in every available reflective surface while living with the pain of knowing that she'll never possess any of his sexygenes.

So, anyway, congratulations to Matt Damon for being crowned the sexiest man alive. Let's hope the award doesn't go to his head and that his forthcoming movies Matt Damon's My My Aren't I Sexy and Matt Damon Sits On A Rock Staring Out To Sea Without A Top On For Two Hours don't get bogged down with his new vanity.

Who are the other men that People has slipped into its Sexiest Man Alive list? Not us, how many times do you need to be told? But, just in case you wanted to know… 

Patrick Dempsey

Ryan Reynolds

Brad Pitt

James McAvoy

Johnny Depp

Dave Annable

Will Smith

Javier Bardem

Shemar Moore

Ben Affleck

Adrian Grenier

Will Yun Lee

Justin Timberlake

Read more:

The Sexiest Man Alive – MATT DAMON - People