Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?
Bradley Cooper!
Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?
That’s right! Bradley Cooper from… uh… ummm… that thing… ah… and Ryan Reynolds who… ummm… was in… he, ah… ummm…
Anyway, they’ve been declared the Sexiest Men Alive by People. That’s People Magazine, not some random people we asked on the street.
Cooper, who was totally brilliant when he was in that thing we saw… well… he was pretty sexy anyway, said of this dubious accolade:
?The first thing I thought [when I was named Sexiest Man Alive] was, ?My mother is going to be so happy?
Now Cooper is the Sexiest Man On Earth, his mum will, by law, have to start being sexually attracted to her own son. What a weird and sexy scenario.
In addition to Sexy Cooper, the list also features, Liam Hemsworth, Idris Elba, Justin Theroux, Chris Evans, Tim McGraw, Josh Charles, Joel McHale, Jason Momoa, Alec Baldwin, Dylan McDermott, and Ryan Gosling who is still staring into the middle-distance looking like someone working out a tricky maths problem.
How amazingly sexy this all is.
WAIT! BRADLEY COOPER HAS A WONKY EYE LIKE ALFRED E. NEUMAN FROM MAD MAGAZINE! That’s so not sexy. That’s anti-sexy. Like a German reading a phonebook.
Blecch.
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