The internet can be a dark and cruel place full of cyber bullies hiding behind anonymous usernames and bastards like us, who are rewarded by the mainstream media for having blogs dedicated to slagging off celebrities.

Ha!

In fact, the internet is such a vile cesspool of hate that the stars have come out and whinged about how they’re being made fun of too much and it hurts their feelings and that people should care about their pointless little lives and treat them as humans and not the dancing monkeys they actually are.

Those bastions of integrity, Miley Cyrus, Kelly Osbourne and the ugly Kardashian sister, have all taken to the internet in order to criticise it for it’s propensity to bully and ridicule, something we here at hecklerspray would never stoop to.

After all, who are we to ridicule a group of talentless shills that are only famous for having a relative who either wrote a well known song or made a particularly boring sex tape.

Whilst Khloe Kardashian is content with just stomping her Jimmy Choos and whining about how horrible the internet is, she profiteers her sisters name. Osborne and Cyrus are doing something about it, by saying that social networking site Twitter should ban all cyber bullies from its site.

What Kelly, Miley and Khloe are going through is obviously so much worse than the countless young people and adults that are bullied both in person and online on a daily basis. After all, how are they meant to cope? It’s not like they have millions of dollars in the bank, an array of in varying countries houses and staff to wait on them hand and foot.

Oh, and of course, it’s not like they have PR people to help them maintain their own image.

What’s that? They do! Well, maybe they should stop complaining about how hard their lives are and front some anti bullying campaigns.

Feel free to quote all the dreadful, bully-sounding things Kelly Osbourne has aimed at other celebrities in the past decade or so.

Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.

And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.

It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.

Unfortunately the reality was much less interesting (much like Big Brother, in fact). In fact no actual celebrities turned up to the event, leaving the organisers to sift through the dregs of the Z-List. People who were willing to coo about how good the inevitably terrible film was in order to get £50 from the poor bastards doing PR for yet another shark-jumping horror sequel.

On that subject, we did make the slightly erroneous claim that the premiere was ‘star-studded’ but perhaps a ‘diamanté vajazzled’ audience would be a more accurate term. Well-known Jordan lookalike Katie Price (the one with the tits that she hates us mentioning), Dane Bowers (of ‘sexing Katie Price’ fame), Ironik (the least ironic man alive) and Michelle Heaton (nope, no idea) were among the great washed-up to enter the compound in the pursuit of enough money to buy a loaf of bread and some crack.

Of course, it’s yet another premiere that hecklerspray wasn’t invited to despite us finally meeting the criteria that many of our commenters lay down for us. “What have you ever achieved?” We would argue that we’ve achieved more than Dane Bowers and yet here we are picking the mould off the bottom of our tea cups while he has an awkward conversation with Katie Price about male ejaculate over some plastic nachos.

We can’t win.

The third instalment of the horror franchise is set 18 years before the first film, and is directed by the people who made Catfish, a film that is almost as awful as Paranormal Activity III is bound to be.

Tupac Shakur wasn’t just one of the most average rappers to ever grace the mic. He was also a man who very rarely wore a shirt. He was really very, very keen when it came to showing off his grotesquely pumped up torso.

However, his family aren’t keen on the idea of another pumped up bit of his anatomy being aired for all to see as they’re threatening to sue anyone who publishes his sex tape.

Does this sex tape even exist? Seems so. And we’ve got ourselves a still from it with a disclaimer so no-one takes us to court.

Of course, the news that there was an inevitably disappointing sex tape was about to hit our brains saw something of a bidding war between smut vendors. However, Tupac’s family are vowing that this tape should never, ever see the light of day.

Presumably because it will tarnish his squeaky-clean image. If there’s one thing that Tupac didn’t do, like the other rappers, is shoot guns, smoke drugs and promote a life of murderous crime. He did swear a little though.

Yup, the rapper’s family have said that they “will sue anyone who tries to sell a Tupac tape.”

‘Pac’s mother – Afeni Shakur – has reportedly told her representatives:

“Get the legal team ready because we will not allow someone to put it out.”

Here’s TMZ providing the “photographic evidence” which supports the claim that this tape indeed exists. The tape itself, of course, allegedly shows Shakur getting his bits gobbled while he dances around and smokes what appears to be an exotic roll-up.

Money B of Digital Underground is also milling around, at one point, walking into the frame. Of course, Tupac being the kind soul that he is, apparently puts his arm around Money B, which is nice considering that his engorged member was on display while his little rapper eyes rolled around his soon-to-be-dead rap skull with pleasure.

Either way, this tape won’t do much damage to Tupac’s legacy… that’s because the huge number of dreadful posthumous releases have seen to that.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

There’s nothing quite like celebrity genitals. They’re much, much better than non-famous genitals. And trumping all those are the famous genitals of a celebrity cadaver. That’s why we’re all getting excited about Tupac!

See, Tupac Shakur isn’t just a pretty average rapper who got good in people’s eyes the minute he died.

He’s also a man who can get a nosh from a lady while dancing around to his own music while smoking cheap drugs. He’s our hero. And now, with the news that a sex tape is floating around, two bongo film distributors are locking becondomed antlers in a bid to buy it, so we can all watch it for free on some dodgy website. Seriously – there’s massive idiots out there who actually pay for skinny flicks.

The ferocious cock-fight to buy the rights to the Tupac sex tape has already seen bids hitting six-figures.

Get this. Such is the nature of this stupid industry, both companies are throwing the cheque book at it despite having not seen the footage.

BUT THEY WANT THE RIGHTS ALL THE SAME.

Let it be known that we are currently in possession of a 14 minute clip of a man receiving fellatio from a man AND a woman who APPEARS to be Elvis Costello. We’re assuming it’s Elvis Costello because we imagine that he’s got curly black pubes.

Start your bidding now. Especially YouPorn because you’re the only people properly daft enough to throw $150k at a tape you haven’t seen or verified yet.

And of course, there’s no real money to be made from this because everyone is going to stream it or torrent it elsewhere as soon as it hits the web.

Anyway, what would Tupac say about all this? Well, here’s a video relating to him being filmed with an engorged member.

Enjoy. Dirty swines.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

You remember Tupac Shakur don’t you guys? He was that vaguely famous rapper who everyone decided was really great because he died, rather than got good at rapping. In fact, he was a far better actor than he ever was at making music.

And this article does contain 2Pac on film and a little juice, but it’s not about lads getting into trouble and a DJing competition.

Nope. This is regarding a five minute tape that allegedly shows the rapper – now dead – receiving oral sex from an unidentified woman while he sings and dances along to his own music. That’s not unusual at all. We all love listening to our own voice on tape while dancing around with our member inside someone’s mouth. Perfectly normal behaviour.

Apparently, the footage was filmed during a house party in ’91 and sees Tupac, with a drink in one hand and quite probably a joint in the other, having a nice talk with Money B from Digital Underground while the lady continues to chew his guts.

Of course, professional ambulance chasers TMZ.com are the people everyone is looking at to release the tape.

It goes without saying that Tupac isn’t the first celebrity to appear in a sex tape, but he’s definitely one of the first famous corpses to appear in video with his excitable glans on the go.

And what with Shakur being elevated to a falsely lofty position thanks to his premature death (see also: Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger and Marilyn Monroe), there’ll be a whole load of interesting in seeing his famous wang getting some action.

We sincerely hope that this is the beginning of a new trend in posthumous sex-tape leaks, featuring people who can no longer blush when such a thing finds its way into the public domain.

That said, half the fun is the resultant squirming that greets every leaked nude and whatnot. All you need to know is that Tupac couldn’t rap for shit.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

There’s not much of Pamela Anderson we haven’t seen, thanks to a couple of grainy sex tapes that proved very popular with lonely swine all those years ago. Yet, oddly, there’s something very likeable about Pammy.

Is it because she’s self-deprecating? Probably not. You’re into the whole ‘boobs’ thing aren’t you?

Well, less pleasant than the female form, squeezed into a high-cut horror-bikini is skidmarks. That’s right. Skidders. For some reason, Pamela has entered the Big Brother house, now that all the other celebrities have gone, and promised to leave a skidmark in there. We have no idea what she means, but it doesn’t sound very hygienic.

After Paddy Doherty won Celebrity Big Brother, cueing up the entire nation to make lazy jokes about not being able to evict travellers from a house, Pammy was seen on the BB sofa.

This, of course, was very exciting for Brian Dowling who, despite being surprisingly impressive in the live shows, is liable to squeal at absolutely everything in sight.

But what about the soiled undies?

Well, when Anderson was called to the Diary Room, she told Big Brother:

“It’s fun to be here.”

“I’m going to give them the ride of their lives, and leave a skidmark on every one of them.”

Filth.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Gene Simmons is a man who says he loves women folk, but you get the distinct impression that he actually hates them. Or, worse still, is afraid of them. That’s why he’s always unfurling that gigantic tongue of his at them.

As an aside, it’s hard to picture what went on when he bunked up with Diana Ross. She so slight that you can imagine he wore her like a glove puppet on his monstrous mouth piece.

Either way, all that’s behind him now as he’s all set to make an honest man of himself and marry his fiance of three decades, Shannon Tweed.

The pair already have some kids together (poor mites), but obviously, now that Simmons has little to offer the world outside of reality TV appearances and his dreadful pedestrian stadium plop-rock, he’s needing something in his life to make him feel of worth.

And which beautiful place, filled with history and romance, will host the knot tying? A HOTEL OF COURSE!

On October 1st, Gene Simmons will get married at an ‘iconic Beverly Hills hotel’. Fitting really, seeing as Gene proposed in that most intimate of settings – before a television crew.

We can imagine that the wedding will be filmed too, which is obviously a breathtakingly romantic gesture.

Seeing as there’s already a depressing sex-tape (and if you search for it, you’ll never hear ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is’ in the same way ever again) that features Gene knocking around, TV execs can be hopeful that the Kiss frontman may agree to recording his first shag as a married man too.

*pukes in hand*

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Kim Kardashian must love and loathe that sex tape of hers. Without it, we would have never heard of her, leaving her to be a mere ‘debutante’, rather than a ‘celebutante’. Now, she’ll tell you she has lots to give with her myriad of talents… but alas, it’s getting boned on film by Brandy’s brother that will always be at the top of her CV.

And now Kim K is married, everyone has started reacquainting themselves with Kim and Ray J’s tape, which must be brilliant news for Kardashian’s new husband, Kris Humphries (who, incidentally, bumped into Ray J and his long penis on a plane earlier this week).

So popular is it, that Kardashian’s sex tape (a bumper 39-minutes long) has now been valued at more than £18 million by its owners. If you’re sick of watching it online, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to buy it on DVD, slotting it next to your copies of the Die Hard trilogy and Get Him To The Greek. You idiots will watch any old rubbish won’t you?

If you haven’t seen the tape (unlikely), then you’ll see Ray J throwing poses, almost as if this footage was always meant to be leaked. He pops his long member into a bored looking Kardashian who seemingly has a problem with taking off her bra.

It really is a thrill a minute.

However, these days, Vivid Entertainment has the rights to the tape (how that happens without theft, we’ve no idea) and they’ve been approached by a Tennessee law firm representing a bidder who wants the tape FOREVER. We’re looking at Kim’s mother and father square in the eye here.

The letter says:

“We would purchase any other footage you may have control of that involves Ms Kardashian”

Smelling dough, Vivid boss Steve Hirsch says:

“Based on its long term value, it looks like £18million would be a starting point for a discussion on all of the rights. I have no idea who is behind this offer but if it’s Kim, I have a tremendous amount of respect for her. She has my number and can call me any time.”

Kim has already received a £3million pay-off over the sex-tape, and said earlier this year:

“There’s embarrassment and shame.”

And your rent paid. You forgot that part.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Marriage, doesn’t it bring a tear to your eye? All the time spent waiting, preparing and planning all boil down to a single day where any unplanned accident will probably ruin absolutely everything while some guests you don’t like very much laugh on from the sidelines. Over the weekend, the American equivalent of the the Royal Wedding happened. Kim Kardashian went and got herself married. It was not televised.

We’re not entirely sure what Kim Kardashian actually does. Even the caretaker in your local school who throws sawdust over children’s vomit has more influence on the world than her. In a way, she’s very much like us.

However, the American socialite is able to arousing gentlemen who enjoy watching two people engaging in coitus, the ol’ in-out-in-out, the hokey cokey, bangin’, you know… sex. Despite her skin flick leaking online a few years ago, the video saw an unexpected rise in views as those who weren’t invited to the wedding decided to get involved. With their sexual organs.

It seems that if you’re one of these socialite types, then accidentally making a grot tape is one of the tasks that you have to complete. Blond div and general idiot Paris Hilton unexpectedly took part in the tastefully titled “1 Night In Paris” film. Hilton claimed she wasn’t aware that a camera was recording the limp action, but she was able to answer a phonecall mid bonk, proving how much fun she was having at the time.

How do you get away from calling yourself a socialite? Kim Kardashian also lists other extensive talents such as a television personality, model and actress. Again, we can only assume that these loose associations come after the release of her porn film. In a game of word association, this is normally the first thing we think of in relation to her, unless she’s been doing UN peace missions and keeping it firmly under wraps. Anyway, it was reported that:

“Kim Kardashian’s internet sex tape received over two million hits this weekend – because of all the fanfare over her wedding to Kris Humphries. The excitement over the reality star’s nuptials resulted in a huge demand for the saucy video, which Kim made with her ex Ray J in 2007 – and instantly regretted.”

Instead of a whole load of pitchfork waving Christians threatening to murder Kim Kardashian for sinning and making baby Jesus cry, she actually found herself catapulted into the limelight with all sorts of magazine, book and TV deals coming her way. As if to prove that the world we live in is a depressing place, Montana Fishburne, daughter of film star Laurence, cited the Kim Kardashian sex tape as an influence on her career. All because it elevated her to fame, something she herself wanted.

Feminists might be building an effigy of Kim Kardashian to burn in utter shame and disgust due to her reliance on a man’s meatstick for achieving personal the dizzy heights of popularity. They might not. We’re sure they’ve got other things on their minds.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Pamela Anderson is an absolute saint. Why? Because she wants to help the world make sweeter love. How is she doing that? She’s made some stockings that are ‘historically pleasing’ as well as being indestructible.

What a woman!

See, when people make tights, the primary function is to either keep a woman’s legs warm or, indeed, hide the fact that they couldn’t be bothered shaving their legs. However, these are Pamela Anderson stockings! They are designed for making love! Love on a boat with a gigantic rock star member flung up you while you nearly crash into the rocks beneath the water! But how historically pleasing are they? Would historical figures like Genghis Khan like wearing them? Or Pol Pot?

Pammy’s been thinking really, really hard and created her own line of designer stockings which only have one use in mind – and that’s making sweet, sweet love.

We’d tell you what the range is called, but alas, she’s not paying us any advertising money so she can go whistle. We’ll just poke fun at the stupid things falling out of her mouth as she tries to flog them to us.

So is she trying to convince us that they are horrible 80s looking things? Well, no. She prefers to tell us all about the fact she’s never bothered with them. So neither should we, presumably.

She says:

“I’ve never worn pantyhose, but my aunt and mum swear by them. My stockings are for making love in. They’re real nylon stockings.”

“It’s a fantasy. They feel incredibly sexy and guaranteed not to run. They aren’t for every day, but they are so gorgeous and they’re historically pleasing. If stockings could talk…”

They’d talk about other historically pleasing events like the abolition of slavery in the United States? Or maybe they’d recall fondly, the day the Berlin Wall came down? Or maybe they’d remember the first Take That video with all those naked bums and jelly?

Historical talking underwear. It’s the future. Like Global Hypercolor t-shirts were once the future.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Mila Kunis clearly doesn’t think much of herself. Her self esteem is so obviously low that even we, the troglodytes of the ‘spray hovel, can feel completely superior to her. That said, she did spend a bit of time between Natalie Portman’s legs in Black Swan, whereas we have to make do with photocopies of her face with a hole poked in the mouth.

That said, Kunis used to willingly have sex with Macaulay Culkin and even we’re not that depressed and lonely.

Where we sync up is accepting sexual advances from weirdos on the internet. Jaded writers relying on the kindness of strangers is no big news, but a successful actress with a nice face? Yep. It’s true. Mila has agreed to go on a date with a US Marine sergeant who asked her out for a date on YouTube.

The actress was shown the clip where Sgt Scott Moore asked her to be his date for the Marine Corps Ball in November (if you care about such things, he’s paid to kill people with the 3rd Battalion 2nd Marines in Afghanistan) and our army chum introduces himself as Sergeant Moore but says she can call him Scotty.

And then he probably thought about making a joke about ‘standing to attention’, but wisely sidestepped it.

So what wooed the cripplingly lonely Kunis? Well, the video showed Scotty being too hotty with his buzzcut head walking through a heavily-fortified compound in full combat gear. He said, with a look of ‘don’t ever ask me how many people I’ve had to destroy’:

“I just want to take a moment out of my day to invite you to the Marine Corps Ball on 18 November in Greenville, North Carolina, with yours truly”

“So take a second, think about it and get back to me.”

Mila Kunis decided that she was going to make it happen. This will, of course, end up in a crudely made drunken sex-tape with Scotty ‘spud-deep’ in the Hollywood starlet while his colleagues egg him on, whooping and drinking weak beer from red cups.

Can’t wait to see it.

*vomits in hand*

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.

However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.

Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.

We wouldn’t normally mention that fact but it’s one that might be worth looking back on when we’re still hearing about every minute detail of this poor bugger’s inadequacy in three month’s time.

The 30-year-old socialite and popstar (or so her publicist would have you believe) has reached the mutual decision with her Las Vegas club owner boyfriend Cy. Yes. Cy. Without looking him up, we’re assuming it stands for Cyrus which proves that getting laid isn’t all about your name.

The couple, who were last week said to be “re-evaluating” their relationship, have supposedly made the decision to part ways because “Cy” can’t cope with Paris’ celebrity lifestyle. According to the hecklerspray lawyers, ‘celebrity lifestyle’ should not be taken as being a euphemism for 64 hour gang-bangs in which Paris is the only person who leaves without any traumatic sense of shame.

According to ‘sources’, “Cy” found it difficult to live his life with her in the spotlight and that’s what caused their split. Ironically, he apparently didn’t realise that going out with a woman who’s famous for being a talentless intellect vacuum might involve a slight invasion of his privacy. The self-same ’source’ told US Weekly:

“They are broken up. It’s sad, she cares about him a lot and thinks he’s a great guy but they really hit a rough patch.”

The pair have been dating for over a year and a half, but Cy was said to be particularly upset about their private lives being shown in her new reality TV show ‘The World According to Paris’ (which absolutely no-one should watch as stupidity is infectious). An insider who is likely to be the same junior publicist as the afore-mentioned ‘source’ said:

“Cy is very upset with the series. He felt that way too much of their private life was shown. When he signed on to do the show, he had no idea the cameras would be so invasive.”

Speaking about their relationship in the weeks leading up to the split, Paris revealed she would get engaged on the series if “Cy” was to pop the question. She said:

“We are so happy. It’s almost been a year and a half now so we’ll see what happens, but the show is going to show everything, so when that happens it will be on the show.”

It could easily be alleged that Paris ended her relationship on the advice of her “people” who would be of the opinion that her splitting up from her current oddly-named beau would add a depth to the series that a dim-witted blonde with all the mental capacity of the Graf Zeppelin could’t muster up off her own back.

Of course- that would be immensely cynical of us, regardless of how true it might be.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Back in 2004, there was a video released of two WWE wrestlers going at it hammer and tongues. Seriously. Sadly for you weirdos, it wasn’t a ‘feature’ that starred Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair in a bath giving each other toe-jobs, but rather, a proper grotgramme that saw X-Pac and Chyna grunting at each other.

So what did we learn from the experience? Well, we discovered that X-Pac likes to wear incredibly tight trousers away from the ring and that Chyna has an ugly piercing in a delicate part of her anatomy. The pair also rut like pigs in swill.

The whole thing left a bad taste in the mouth, right? Well, not for Chyna. That’s because she’s making another porn film which X-Pac is graciously refusing to watch, saying: “It’s too hard remembering how devastated she was the first time around.”

Ho ho! Someone being devastated! Oh how we love personal trauma and the destructive behaviour that can sometimes result from it!

See, Chyna has a history of worrying behaviour. She’s had problems with substance abuse, battling drug and alcohol addiction. Oh! Not to mention mental illness. So if you’ve jacked off to that bongo vid, then you’ve become aroused by someone who is clinically insane. That makes you a special kind of weirdo. Well done you.

Still, either way, we couldn’t help but laugh when we read that story in the New York Post about the time she stripped naked in a nightclub and then jumped in a fish tank. Insanity or no insanity, that’s a riot!

But X-Pac, a man who promotes pantomime violence for a living isn’t so amused by it all. He says:

“It saddens me … but she obviously hasn’t progressed very far in life.”

“Chyna used to say how low she felt after the first sex tape was released … what does that say about where she’s at in life now?”

She’s in the vicinity of a group of well endowed men we would have thought, with her privates being dunked into a bucket of ice.

D’uh.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Demi Lovato may well be a young, tender and impressionable woman, but we can all take great joy in her having personal issues because she worked for Disney and it is completely fine to mock anyone who came through its ranks.

Why? Don’t ask us. We didn’t make the rules. Like Blue Peter presenters, if they’re to be roundly hooted at when they balls-up in life.

And so, Lovato’s anguish of what she described as a “nervous breakdown” may well be upsetting normally, the fact that she’s Mickey Mouse’s spawn makes the whole thing rather hilarious! SHE WANTED TO DIE! HAHAHA! WHAT A HOOT!

Even more amusing is that Lovato’s parents were so concerned about their starlet daughter’s well-being, that they needed to stage an intervention!

IMAGINE! HAHAHA! HOW FALL DOWN FUNNY!

The young star was treated in rehab for ‘emotional and physical issues’ in November after she promptly went about attacking one of her dancers while on tour with The Jonas Brothers. The only thing we see wrong there is that she didn’t attack The Jonas Brothers.

Either way, this PANT WETTING breakdown was coupled with a OOH STOP IT MY SIDES ARE HURTING FROM LAUGHING eating disorder, leaving Lovato with the most uproarious, mirth inducing battle with her self image, ever!

WAIT! WHAT’S THIS? WE CAN BARELY CONTAIN OUR GUFFAWS! She’s apparently been self-harming as well!

Lovato says:

“I basically had a nervous breakdown.”

“I was really bad off. My parents and my manager pulled me aside and said, “You need to get some help.” It was an intervention. I wanted freedom from the inner demons. I wanted to start my life over.”

HAHAHA! HOW BRILLIANTLY FUNNY!

And now, in a move that will see us referring to her as a mewing, self-worthing tit, she’s teamed up with some people to help young women to tackle self-esteem issues, fronting the ‘Love is Louder Than The Pressure to Be Perfect’ campaign.

YEAH! WHATEVER! DO A SUICIDE BID OR SOMETHING!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Of late, pop music seems to have left Britney Spears behind. She’s looking slow, old and lacking in the vitality that once made her so much fun to have around. A string of disastrous romances, leaked druggy-looking videos and court cases have left Britney wobbling around with the grace of a mop bucket.

And so, even though her last two singles have been pretty decent dancefloor fodder, there’s still that magic missing from previous years.

So, to make her tour fun, vital and action packed, she’s reportedly hiring Nicki Minaj to be her opening act, which should liven things up before Spears appears on-stage looking like a tired boxer.

Apparently, a deal was signed several days ago and Britney is thrilled, because it means that her fans will be able to see some dance moves in what was promising to be a routineless tour.

Fans should be chuffed too because the other rumoured support act was the insipid Enrique Iglasias, who is about as much fun as finding a spent condom in your pocket. We suspect his tender little ego couldn’t handle opening for Spears anyway.

Minaj is on tour with Lil Wayne, which is all well and good, but gigging with Britney could see her propelled into genuine superstardom… provided of course, she actually makes some records that are as weird and fun as Minaj’s persona promises (she’s been a little too tame for our liking thus far).

The tour kicks off June 17 in Sacramento, which is a fun word to say.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!