9 - And the award for worst woman in the entire world goes to… Mosnews

8 - Several reasons why you shouldn’t name a year in your futuristic movie – io9

7 – Two Spice Girls looking ridiculously happy to be inside a car – Popsugar

6 -10 things your Dad should have told you - Asylum

5 – Scarlett Johansson’s got a new album coming out, and for the life of us we can’t work out if that’s a good thing or not – PopEater

4 - Oh great, another reason to be fearful of caterpillars - Dailymail

3 - GLOWING MONKEYS! – Wired

2 - Rubbish characters from fighting games - Toplessrobot

1 - This is good. More like this, please…

Scarlett Johansson wants you to know that she don’t need no steenkin’ bosoms, or no steenkin’ bottom.

The actress, once famed for her Marilyn Monroe-like curves, has recently slimmed down and is a shadow of her former self.

Rather than take the well-trodden path of just wearing spectacles or living in her gym clothes, when she wants to make herself comparatively ugly and be taken seriously as an actress, Scarlett has stripped herself bare. Gone is the long, blond mane of cascading curls. Gone is the hourglass silhouette. And worst of all, the famed ScarJo chichis are now barely a C cup!

Salma Hayek can breathe a sigh of relief, and call off the hit-man hired to take care of her greatest competition for “Most Enviable Chichis 2009″. Her title for this year safe. Anywho, even if the Latina were to slim down, her goodies are so magnificent that nothing short of an act of God could make them any smaller.

Back to Scarlett’s boobs. The actress, 24, has disappointed all those who looked a gift horse in the mouth and took her at her word, when she proudly exclaimed that she would never diet.

She said, only back in February, to In Touch magazine, “I don’t need to be skinny to be sexy.”

In the same amount of time it takes Heidi Montag to work out how to heat a Pop Tart (two months), Scarlett has turned her back on her resolution to keep eating like a pig.

She could well have sat in a plum position; one envied by her peers. She could have remained just about the only starlet of her age-range who was allowed to eat more than a handful of grapes in one go.

Being too blind to this privilege and squandering the Hollywood luxury of consuming anything like the recommended daily allowance of fats etc., the Lost In Translation star went head-first into the skinny arms of a famous pal.

Known best for being about the width of a piece of broccoli, and about as interesting, Gwyneth Paltrow was the person to run to Scarlett’s rescue. And by “run”, of course, I mean limply drag her carb-starved bottom as fast as her atrophied legs could carry her.

In preparation for the filming of the new Iron Man 2 film, Scarlett has reportedly lost over 14lbs. Which is, for those who are mathematically challenged, about 7lbs from each knocker. A source told Star magazine:

“The pair have been doing daily workouts with Gwyneth’s personal trainer Tracy Anderson. Scarlett is also staying away from carbohydrates.” The 24-year-old actress decided to diet, reportedly fearing she could lose out on the roles she wants to younger, more attractive actresses A friend said: “Scarlett has always been happy with her curves, but recently she has been feeling pressure to lose a few pounds. She knows that she is up against tough competition from younger, prettier and increasingly skinner actresses.”

Hopefully Scarlett will come to her senses, once the Iron Man 2 filming ends.

It would be far better, in my humble opinion, to be famed for your timeless curves than for your talent. Any stupid old Oscar winner can claim to be talented. But not everyone can make Salma Hayek go green with envy.

This was a blog post by Amy Grindhouse, who will cut you if you don’t read her website immediately.

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That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

After Konnie Huq, Joan Sims and Mark Owen from Take That, Scarlett Johansson is one of the most desirable women on the planet, and that’s something she’s painfully aware of.

Scarlett Johansson is so desirable that one-hit wonders want to kiss her with tongues. She’s so desirable that grown men will figuratively elbow each other in the face to get their hands on droplets of her disease-ridden mucus. She’s so desirable that she’s not even surprised when minor films stars who she’s been going out with for months propose to her.

Really, she’s not. That’s the one big revelation to come from an interview with Scarlett Johansson in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. That and the not wanting babies yet thing. Are you still reading this? You are? Urgh, creepy. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“I wasn’t surprised. You say you can’t believe it, but of course you really can. Anyone being presented with a diamond ring, you just squeal with delight… I’m not pregnant nor will I be any time soon.”

That’s it. That’s literally the most thrilling thing that Scarlett Johansson said in the entire interview. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Scarlett got married to Ryan Reynolds, it wasn’t a surprise to her when she did and she’s not having any children in the imminent future.

But why doesn’t Scarlett Johansson want to get pregnant any time soon? It’s certainly not because her vagina’s all clogged up with hepatitis, that’s for sure. So here, for no other reason that this is apparently newsworthy and we’ve got space to fill, are our top five reasons why Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want children…

1 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

2 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

3 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

4 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

5 - Scarlett Johansson is a man

We would have also accepted ‘Scarlett Johansson is still quite young’, ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t feel that her unsettled moviestar lifestyle would provide a baby with the right amount of security’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want to jeopardise her movie career by getting pregnant’. That last one, by the way, just shows how dedicated Scarlett Johansson is to the craft of making films that nobody particularly likes.

Are you still reading this? You’ve properly given us the creeps now.

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And, hey, now we can. For reasons that frankly we’re too petrified to go into, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction off one of her snot-filled tissues on eBay. The most frightening news? It’s currently standing at $2,205.

While that makes for an expensive trophy – or dinner condiment – $2,205 is actually enough money for scientists to harvest Scarlett Johansson’s DNA and build their own snot-covered, manky-looking Jurassic Park-style Scarlett Johansson clone. Or they could just buy Cheryl Baker from Buck’s Fizz instead. Whichever’s cheapest.

Look, we know the credit crunch is hitting everyone hard, but we didn’t know it was so bad that celebrities would have to resort to flogging off their most cherished possessions to get by. Just yesterday we told you how Snoop Dogg was auctioning off his shed for one reason or another, and now it looks like Scarlett Johansson is getting in on the act, too.

Except Scarlett Johansson doesn’t have a shed – as a woman she only likes cushions and kittens and needlepoint and other activities that aren’t very shed-friendly – but what she does have is mucus.

Seriously, Scarlett Johansson is full to the brim with snot. In fact, we heard that Scarlett Johansson has so much mucus in her system at any given point in time that if you prick her with a pin as she walks past, four gallons of red-hot snot will squirt out of the hole right into your eyeball.

So, since she’s got more snot than she knows what to do with, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction some of it off to whichever one of her obsessed stalkers has the most money. Fox reports:

During an appearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno,” she told Leno that her “Spirit” co-star Samuel L. Jackson had given her his cold. She humbly added that the cold was the union of two big stars, so the tissue undoubtedly had high value. So ScarJo decided to auction off the tissue Leno gave her, after using it, with the proceeds going to USA Harvest, a charity Johannson selected.

Well that’s just delightful, although it does seem like an idea that’s been bogged down with a little too much red tape to us. First Scarlett Johansson has to produce the snotty tissue, then place it for sale on eBay, then people have to go through a 10-day bidding period on it, then the winner is selected and the tissue has to be shipped, then the money has to be sent to Scarlett Johansson who’ll pass it on to USA Harvest who’ll buy seeds to grow plants to feed the hungry.

It’s a bit complicated, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if USA Harvest just lined up a row of maybe 500 needy people and just got Scarlett Johansson to run down the line with a finger clamped over one nostril, blasting jets of nutritious Johansson-snot into their grateful mouths? Wouldn’t it? Why don’t these people think?

Anyway, well done to Scarlett Johansson for using her illness to raise money for charity in such an inventive way. And we hope it’s a trend that catches on, too – otherwise our Konnie Huq Infected Bandage Fund will all be for nothing. Nothing!

Oh, go on then – bid on Scarlett Johansson’s gruesome snot-rag here

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Scarlett Johansson is so hot that her hotness isn’t just felt by men any more – even women want to kiss her. OK, one woman. One very slightly mannish-looking woman. Alright, Katy Perry wants to kiss Scarlett Johansson. Happy now?

In fact, Katy Perry wants to kiss Scarlett Johansson so much that she apparently wrote her solitary hit I Kissed A Girl about the time that she didn’t kiss – or meet – Scarlett Johansson. When informed of this recently, Scarlett Johansson responded with muted gratitude – which is considerably more enthusiastic than her reaction to the song we wrote about her, entitled I’m Standing Over You In Your Sleep Holding A Knife And Masturbating (And Crying).

What we like best about Katy Perry is her irreverent disregard for social taboos – as demonstrated by her songs about kissing girls and love of being photographed with a knife three years ago.

And it’s not just transparently deliberate controversy-mongering, either – Katy Perry means it, which is why her next album will go one step further and contain songs like I Shat In Your Food And I Liked It, I Literally Raped A Child And I Liked It and I Basically Did The Plot Of The Movie Saw 3 On Your Mum And I Liked It.

But that’s something to look forward to. For now, people are still talking about Katy Perry’s song I Kissed A Girl three long months after it was released.

For instance, did you know that Katy Perry wrote I Kissed A Girl about an imagined encounter with actress Scarlett Johansson? It’s true. Katy Perry didn’t just make that up because she’s scared that she’s essentially become a one-hit wonder and wants to eek out every last of molecule of controversy from the song before it inevitably falls out of fashion – she really did write it about Scarlett Johansson. Honest.

However, Scarlett Johansson wasn’t aware of this until recently, when a reporter from Allure magazine decided to mention it in an interview with her. And how did Scarlett Johansson react? Why, with the professional-seeming nervy brush-off of a woman who probably has to turn down countless hamfisted sexual come-ons every single day, of course. People reports:

When told that her lips inspired Katy Perry to pen her hit “I Kissed A Girl,” Johansson, who recently married Ryan Reynolds, tells December’s Allure, “That’s flattering, but my lips are kind of taken.” In fact, until Perry’s melody was pointed out to her, “I had no idea [about the song],” says Johansson, 24. “I should get a cut!”

Sorry Katy Perry, it looks like Scarlett Johansson isn’t interested in kissing you at all. In fact we’ll go one step further – Scarlett Johansson won’t kiss any woman at all, unless it’s in a movie scene with Penelope Cruz that’s been cynically designed to make the film it’s in seem marginally less boring. But that’s it.

Still, we can sense a trend here. Scarlett Johansson inspired I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry, Pink wrote So What about her divorce and we’re pretty sure that Womanizer by Britney Spears and Keeps Gettin’ Better by Christina Aguilera are also about people we’ve heard of. Perhaps we should gather all of these songs up onto an album. We could call it Now That’s What I Call Songs About Famous People That Have Made Listening To The Radio Far Less Enjoyable For Us This Year.

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But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds – the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited – they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.

When most people watched Van Wilder, their main thoughts were probably either “If this film doesn’t finish instantly I’m going to thumb my bloody eyes out,” or “Why am I watching a film that revolves around someone eating a doughnut filled with dog semen?” But not Scarlett Johansson.

When Scarlett Johansson saw Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder, she thought “Who is this sexy hunk of sex photographing a bulldog getting wanked off into some cakes? I don’t care if his face is obviously too small for his head – he must be mine!”

And now he is. By some absurd quirk that we’re going to put down to either brain damage or long-term hypnosis, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got married this weekend. People reports:

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds made it official with a wedding this weekend, Reynolds’s rep, Meredith O’Sullivan, confirmed to PEOPLE. Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.

A remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver? Wait, that’s… isn’t that… all of Canada?

Anyway, this news isn’t a huge surprise, because Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got engaged back in April. Back then, however, they both made out that it was going to be a long, relaxed engagement that wouldn’t result in anything for ages – not that they were going to wait five months, then run off to get married down the woods.

But still, as inexplicable as this wedding is, at least both Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds can look each other in the eye and know that they’re both a step up from their last partners. That’s because one of the last women Ryan Reynolds was with was Alanis Morissette, and after he dumped her she wrote an album all about what a twat he was. And one of the last people Scarlett Johansson was linked to was Justin Timberla…

OK, no, we take that back. Scarlett Johansson hasn’t done very well out of this marriage at all, has she?

She’s a style icon, a Hollywood megastar and a thoroughly beautiful girl. But when the ‘not sexy’ thing she’s talking about is getting off with another one of the most visually pleasing women in the movie business – Penelope Cruz – then, well, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you went and told Scarlett she was talking a great big pile of crud.

The kiss they shared wasn’t a subtle ploy to distract everyone in the world from the fact that all the Hollywood types seem to be getting struck down with one illness or another. No, it’s just a part of that new Woody Allen film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which is clearly going to be a great big bag of balls.

Aside from the scene in question, of course.

Yes, the thrilling news that Woody’s film wasn’t laughed off at Cannes – far from it, it received a thirty-six hour standing ovation or something – has got a lot of people convinced it’s for one reason and one reason alone, and the ethereal lifeforce that is hecklerspray agrees wholeheartedly: hot lesbian action.

But while most red-blooded males and, let’s face it, a hell of a lot of females, gay men, transexuals, hermaphrodites and everything else inbetween agree with the theory that ol’ Woody is using the technique of making two beautiful women lezz off on screen purely to get some artificial buzz surrounding the flick, the women themselves seem oblivious to the fact that it’s a really, really brilliant marketing ploy.

Speaking to some people who were trying not to gawk at her that little bit too much, Scarlett Johansson said:

“There were 60 crewmen eating salami sandwiches. It’s really the least sexy thing you can ever imagine.”

Actually, we can imagine something a lot less sexy, it’s just we’re not allowed to mention it here by law. There have been problems in the past that hecklerspray can’t really re-visit, unfortunately. Needless to say, salami is the last of the things to be worried about.

Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, took an altogether different view of things – speaking to some other people, or they might have been the same ones, we’re not really sure, the star of hecklerspray favourite Chromophobia said:

“We didn’t talk about it much, then Woody told us how the shot was going to be, but Scarlett and I don’t have any funny stories to tell about it. It felt [like] nothing, nothing happened.”

See – it’s always the same. Those that get all the breaks in life don’t bloody well appreciate it, whereas those underdogs who would take pleasure in the situation are forced to sit back and watch. Actually, come to think of it that’s pretty win-win, so we’ll stop complaining now.

Good lord it’s a slow news day.

Three cheers for Woody Allen and his much maligned interest in younger women!

The news should finally shut up all the player-haters out there – you know who you are! The ones of you who thought it ‘weird’ for a man to show a sexual interest in his own adopted daughter.

Well you can now jump off your high horses because, like World War 2 before, the ends always justify the means and the sight of Scarlett and Penelope lezzin’ off is no doubt a joyful scene.

The on-screen lezathon is being credited with reviving the career of the sputtering genius filmmaker, whose film received a ten minute standing ovation, which is a weird amount of time to clap for anything, but well done.

According to OK! Magazine, one critic said of the scene:

It woke up all the dopey critics and practically got a standing ovation.

The film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, is a romantic comedy wherein Cruz’s character meets Scarlett’s character in Barcelona, things happen, they lezz off, more things happen, and it ends.

The film also stars Penelope Cruz’s real-life boyfriend, Javier Bardem, who plays a character in the film that gets caught up in the plot somehow, doesn’t matter.

The scene was apparently intended by Woody to be his most erotic scene to date, and that’s something, as only Cliff Richard, Bill Cosby, Bruce Forsyth and Dennis Norden have stayed in their respective games longer.

Woody Allen said:

I want people to see the romance, and I wanted some laughs. I wanted to see two young women who go to Barcelona…and gradually things start to disintegrate [lezz off].

‘Disintegrate’ eh? Is that how today’s old people are referring to it, hmm? What happened to a good, old-fashioned lemonfest? They’re a morbid bunch, aren’t they?

Yes, they are. It’s largely because they’ll be dead soon and as we have no idea what that’s like lets pity them and let them have their own slang, lets even incorporate it into our own speech, as a way of saying: Well done old people! Despite the appalling strain you put on society you’re quite like us youngsters in many ways, what with the way you like watching girls kiss and stuff, so with that in mind thanks for everything!

Because we too literally cannot wait to see Scarlett disintegrate all over Penelope Cruz’s face, and it’s OK if you can’t wait too.

Viva la dirty, old bastard!

Read More – Lesbian Kiss Saves Woody, OK! Magazine

Look, we know that most people would rather remove their bellend with the rough side of a cheesegrater than actually watch a Woody Allen film these days, primarily because they’re all uniformly rubbish, but this one – entitled Vicky Cristina Barcelona – is different.

OK, it’s probably not that different at all really – we’re willing to bet it’ll be as painfully rubbish to watch as anything else Woody Allen has released in the last 20 years – but in this one Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have a bit of a kiss. We’ve got the video after the jump, effectively saving you the price of a cinema ticket. We’re good to you, no?

It must be brilliant being Woody Allen. Just because he made maybe three good films in the 1970s he can get actors to do pretty much whatever he wants now. One minute he’s all like “Hey Scarlett Johansson, swan around in a tennis skirt for me,” and the next he’s like “Hey Ewan McGregor, be in this film of mine even though it’s obviously going to be awful. And do a funny accent while you’re at it!”

And now that he’s started making films in Spain, Woody Allen can be all like “Hey Scarlett Johansson again, get off with Penelope Cruz while I film it! Do it! I’m Woody Allen, director of Annie Hall, for God’s sake! It’s art! What? No, this isn’t an erection, whatever gave you that idea?”

Woody Allen’s new movie is called Vicky Christina Barcelona. It’s been billed as a ‘comedy drama’, which mean it’s either a naval-gazing exploration of blah blah blah snore, or a film that Woody Allen thinks is a comedy but since he stopped being funny several years ago it had to have the word ‘drama’ bunged onto the end to stop people feeling sorry for him.

But that’s not why people will go and see Vicky Christina Barcelona. Actually, nobody’s going to see Vicky Christina Barcelona anyway, because it’s a late-period Woody Allen film and they’d rather spend two hours doing something more fun, like letting infected AIDS monkeys chew on their balls.

But if anyone does go and see Vicky Christina Barcelona it’s because there’s apparently a lesbian sex scene between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in it, plus a threesome with Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz and the bloke with the funny haircut from No Country For Old Men.

And guess what? There’s a hint of this Scarlett Johansson on Penelope Cruz action in the just-released Vicky Christina Barcelona trailer. Have a look…

Do you see what we did there? We made you watch one minute and 12 seconds of hopelessly dull, dialogue-free trailer for a film you’re never actually going to watch anyway just so you could see Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz kissing for less than two seconds. You pervert.

But has the promise of a Scarlett Johansson/ Penelope Cruz sex scene whetted your appetite to see Vicky Christina Barcelona? No, us neither. Looks rubbish, doesn’t it?

According to reports, Scarlett Johansson and boyfriend Ryan Reynolds have just got engaged. And, while it’s nice to see that Scarlett and Ryan have decided not to follow the current celebrity trend of secret never-confirmed weddings, it’d probably be bigger news if Ryan Reynolds was a bit more, you know, famous.

Oh, we’re just kidding. We’re sure that Ryan Reynolds is as warm and caring as you could possibly hope for. The real question is what a catch like Ryan sees in a rich, talented, successful tit factory like Scarlett Johansson. Wonders will never cease.

It’s no secret that all women are madly in love with Ryan Reynolds. Well, they are once they’ve been told who Ryan Reynolds is and they’ve been shown a picture of him and it’s been explained several times that he isn’t actually Rob Scheider. Anyway, after all that they fall madly in love with Ryan Reynolds.

And the trick to snaring him is ridiculously easy. All you need to do is wail along to the sound of a tatty acoustic guitar and he’ll be dry-humping your leg by the middle eight. Honestly – Ryan Reynolds used to be engaged to Alanis Morissette, and he was just Scarlett Johansson’s boyfriend until she decided to release a weird-sounding album and now they’re engaged. Coincidence?

Well, yes. Probably. Anyway, Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are engaged and there’s nothing to do about it, other than angrily stalk Reynolds for stealing the woman who you imagine communicates exclusively with you in a secret code based on subtle cleavage adjustments. People reports:

After dating for more than a year, Scarlett Johansson is set to marry her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.  “They’re both thrilled,” Johansson’s rep Marcel Pariseau tells PEOPLE. Reynolds, 31, currently filming the aptly named The Proposal in Boston with Sandra Bullock, recently popped the question to Johansson, 23. The couple have not set a wedding date.

Wow, Ryan Reynolds is really on the up and up. First he gets to star in a film with Sandra Bullock and now he’s engaged to a woman who almost certainly doesn’t have hepatitis? Throw in plans for a Van Wilder 3 and we’ll have to take the rest of the day off from chronic over-excitement.

And this engagement isn’t just a load of one-sided gratification on the part of Ryan Reynolds, either – Scarlett Johansson will get to experience plenty of joys as well. After all, Scarlett Johansson is one of the sexiest women in the world and literally has the pick of the most desirable men alive, and now that she’s effectively decided that the only man she’ll ever sleep with ever again is possibly most famous for that film where he wanked off a dog with some doughnuts, well, we’re sure she’s giddy with happiness.

Read more:

Scarlett & Ryan Engaged! – People

The outrageous harlot has dared to declare that the musical talent of our Paris Hilton and our Lindsay Lohan is not quite her cup of tea.

How dare she? Just who does she think she is? Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a put a lot of good, honest, hard-work into getting where they are today, yet where is the respect? Do you think those cocks suck themselves?

No, of course they don’t. If they did humanity would have become extinct a long, long time ago.

It takes a good deal of effort to say ‘ah’ for that amount of time and with that amount of people. There are literally girlfriends out there, all over the world right now (possibly even reading this), who wouldn’t even say ‘ah’ to their own boyfriends for much more than a minute each week.

Sometimes less.

It is because of this abhorrent crime to humanity that Scarlett can say what she damn well wants, but the fact remains that Paris and Lindsay are a rare breed indeed, and hecklerspray will continue to salute these pioneers in all of their artistic ventures, futile as they may be.

(In order for you to believe what we’ve just said, it is strongly advised that you don’t click on the following links. Not this one, nor this one.)

Scarlett told Spin Magazine:

I have no relationship with either Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton, even as far as my lifestyle or the music I listen to. They probably made music that fits with their lifestyle – ‘Wouldn’t it be great if I were dancing to my own song in the club?’ My album is more suited to my lifestyle. I live a very low-key life.

Yeah, you better hope you do, Johansson, or else you’ll be joining 50 Cent on hecklerspray’s hit-list.

One difference between our girls and Scarlett though, is that Scarlett (who is soon to release ‘Anywhere I Lay My Head’ – a Tom Waits cover album – making her little more than jumped up karaoke singer) has received at least one rave review about her musical ability from someone, albeit that someone being Jessica Simpson – someone who wouldn’t know good music if she was grinding her for-hire-arse up against it – who told Esquire magazine:

I really respect her, and I think she’s an unbelievable talent at a young age. And she is unbelievably beautiful. Plus, she gets to work with the best of the best.

Is she really that unbelievable? Granted, her boobs are unfathomable, but do any of you really find that watching Scarlett Johansson act makes you question your whole belief system regarding the upper-limits of human talent?

What Jessica actually offers is a nice, but essentially trite, and ultimately invalid, appraisal. You’re gonna have to come up with better than the child-talk of Jessica Simpson, Johansson, to pull hecklerspray away from the lure of reporting Paris and Lindsay’s day to day activities.

If you want to receive our support, then it’s time to do what any self respecting female artist would do: Toss your artistic integrity into the abyss and open wide.

All else is a perversion. Madonna’ll back us up.

Read More – Scarlett Johansson slams the Dlist girls – M&C

According to a ‘Stateside spy’ working under cover for the Daily Mail, their relationship has ‘hit a rough patch’. It seems Scarlett has been scared off by Ryan’s mentioning of babies and weddings. The spy said:

"Scarlett is younger and has no desire for a husband or family just yet."

What’s this? An A-list female celebrity who prioritises her career above procreation?

How refreshing.

The couple have been dating since last year, after Ryan's split from fiancée Alanis Morisette, and Scarlett’s two-year relationship to king of the uber-dullards, Josh Hartnett, had come to an end.

The spy went on to comment about rumours suggesting Scarlett, 23, had moved in with Ryan, 31, at his Los Angeles home:

"Scarlett hasn't moved in full-time. She has just moved in some of her stuff so that if she stays over she has some belongings there. She is very much focused on her career and is filming three movies back-to-back this year."

So, she's sort of moved in but hasn't really, which therefore means – as far as hecklerspray is concerned – that she's sort of available, but isn't. And 'sort of available' is enough for us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett's window is slightly ajar. If we all combine forces we could wrench it wide-open, so far open that even a normal person like you could scuttle in. Only if you can out-charm hecklerspray first, of course.

If you're reading this, Scarlett, then come over here, darling, cos' hecklerspray's got a bottle of KY, three viagras and a pack of pork scratchings with your name on it.

To all pretenders to our throne – Good Luck.

Read More – Boyfriend's marriage hopes on hold as Scarlett's wedded to her career – Daily Mail

He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level – not even a tonguing – and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now.

When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.

Scarlett Johansson is a different kettle of fish. Manfa can’t even afford a kettle, and certainly shouldn’t be trusted with the responsibility of caring for fish, especially in a kettle. She’d be so off her face on crack that she’d forget that this kettle was being used as a makeshift fish sanctuary and flip it on in preparation of sterilising a few needles and as she curls up on the floor in an all-too-short-lived foetus of ecstasy there’s gonna be fish carnage on her hands. 

But not Scarlett Johansson; one trip to the cinema with her is worth a lifetime of bumming Manfa, according to eBay username bossnour. Some other people wouldn’t be so quick to judge – Manfa does have a few perks, especially for the more aggressive fellow – and it’s probable that bossnour was not even made aware of Manfa’s services. Marie Claire reports:

The UK-based user, named bossnour, won the online auction, set up to benefit Oxfam, after beating off 695,183 interested parties and 170 other bids. The 10-day sale ended yesterday, and the fortunate fan will accompany Johansson to the premiere of her upcoming movie, He's Just Not That Into You in Los Angeles in June. 

Be that as it may, a trip to the cinema is a metaphorical mile away from Scarlett Johansson’s bumhole – just imagine what she could charge? The money, which has been donated to Oxfam, would be astronomical. Geldolf can put as many popstars on the global stage as he wants, but if Scarlett was to donate her ass to Oxfam, after about five years of honest donation, poverty would be history.

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Scarlett Johansson's $40,100 date - Marie Claire