Scarlett Johansson showed up at the Venice International Film Festival on Wednesday wearing an engagement ring the size of her eyeball, much to the dismay of straight men and lesbians everywhere. (You may notice them collapsing into the fetal position throughout the day, crying “Why god why?” over and over — this is normal. Just remember that Tom Hiddleston is still available. Everything’s going to be okay.)
The fiancé is Romain Dauriac, a French journalist who ScarJo’s been dating since last November and nobody had heard of until yesterday, which means their marriage will probably be even more boring than it would be if he were famous.
Also, great timing, guys. ScarJo is currently promoting her new movie Under the Skin, which has her starring as an alien who either pretends she’s going to bone men before killing them or maybe actually does bone them before killing them? I don’t know. It’s weird.
Anyway, I know she wants to show off her blood diamondz, but now all anyone’s going to be able to think about is her engagement and not her creepy praying mantis succubus movie.
Seriously, he popped the question like a month ago — what the hell has she been doing all this time that would keep her and her testicle-sized ring away from prying eyes?
Speaking of testicles, is anyone else concerned about their future kids? With a super-famous, super-hot mom and regular-Joe-teen-movie-villain-looking dad, will they be able to handle life as half-bloods? Maybe it will keep them “grounded”.
At any rate it might not actually matter — this whole thing could go the way of ScarJo’s first marriage (RIP Scaryan), in which case her admirers can go back to imagining intricate circumstances that might lead to successful seduction, something I definitely don’t do but with Tom Hiddleston.