Scarlett Johansson Sold The Rest Of Her Soul For A Big Fat Check

Scarlett Johansson SodaStreamScarlett Johansson, like most of the rest of the world, likes having money.? She likes it so much that she agreed to bring her status down from “serious actress” (who can’t really act) to B lister,?and participate in a commercial that aired during the Super Bowl for a nice paycheck.?

The problem with this decision, however,?is that the company she agreed to pimp out, SodaStream, is on the?Oxfam’s naughty list.? And since Johansson is (eh hem, was) a global ambassador for the human right’s organization, this was some unacceptable shit.

Oxfam is a big confederation made up of a bunch of organizations and countries that fights to help poor people get their comeuppance.? They assist them in taking control over their own lives and fighting injustices against them.? Since 2007, Scarlett Johansson has been a Global Ambassador for them, helping bring publicity to the cause and donating her fame time.

Now it seems that starring in big blockbusters like The Avengers didn’t puff up Johansson’s bank account enough to her liking, because she agreed to become a spokesperson for SodaStream, a company that lets you squirt a little carbonated liquid into your highly contaminated tap water and make homemade soda.

Sounds delicious and exactly like the type of product a humanitarian would want to become attached to, right?? Well, besides for making it even harder to take Scarlett seriously, agreeing to work with SodaStream caused Oxfam to lose their shit and come down hard on Johansson for being stupid.

Since Scarlett refused to return her check or admit that she was wrong, she was straight up fired from Oxfam.? Because they are all about being good people, they said they let Johansson “step down” but we all know that is just code for “We fired that bitch, but will let her pretend she left voluntarily.”

Oxfam has accepted Scarlett Johansson?s decision to step down after eight years as a Global Ambassador and we are grateful for her many contributions.

While Oxfam respects the independence of our ambassadors, Ms. Johansson?s role promoting the company SodaStream is incompatible with her role as an Oxfam Global Ambassador.

Oxfam believes that businesses, such as SodaStream, that operate in settlements further the ongoing poverty and denial of rights of the Palestinian communities that we work to support.

Oxfam is opposed to all trade from Israeli settlements, which are illegal under international law. Ms. Johansson has worked with Oxfam since 2005 and in 2007 became a Global Ambassador, helping to highlight the impact of natural disasters and raise funds to save lives and fight poverty.

Haha bitch was politely smacked down.

And because Scarlett couldn’t just walk away with her tail between her legs, she decided to come out saying that all the issues with SodaStream are bullshit and their factory employs both Israelis and Palestinians.

Johansson feels this carbonated beverage is basically ending all the issues in the Middle East.? At this rate, SodaStream is on course to end world hunger by Superbowl 2015.? It’s like Jesus himself was involved in turning water into this crappy flat ass drink.

Obviously, her loyalties were going to lie with the company paying her and not the?human rights?organization stifling her money whoring ways.? Remember, this is the chick who went from being married to Ryan Reynolds to banging Sean Penn.

I think we can all agree she isn’t?the brightest crayon in the box. I am sure Penn taught her all about how to be both a humanitarian AND a total hypocrite.? That is, after all, what will be written on his tombstone.

And here is the commercial that Scarlett just had to be in, even if it meant ruining what little credibility she had left.