And that purpose wasn’t so much to rescue Jehovah’s favourite people from a life of impoverished slavery as it was to have an ancient religion for Lindsay Lohan to one day convert to in an effort to prove her undying gay affection to a rather ugly lesbian.

That being the case – it looks like Moses’ many efforts are about to pay off – Lohan is reportedly taking the Jewish plunge.

We imagine it was right after Samantha Ronson was officially declared a man at her bar mitzvah that Lindsay Lohan got to thinking about a full-fledged Jewish conversion. She probably saw Sam looking so happy as she read from the Torrah, smashed dinner plates on the floor, drew pictures of the wailing wall and delicately explained to the mohel how he needn’t even try as God had basically circumcised her in the womb.

We took many artistic liberties with the listing of those bar mitzvah activities. Our conscience demands we tell you this.

And Lindsay Lohan’s conscience demands she accept Judaism almost immediately – at least according to the Mirror. They said:

“…former party girl Lindsay is converting to Judaism – to prove her devotion to Jewish Samantha…Lindsay has even made her decision “official” – by updating her Facebook profile to say “I’m converting”. That’s commitment. LiLo and Sam walked into the synagogue arm-in-arm for their first visit on Friday. When an onlooker asked the Hollywood starlet if she was converting, Lindsay revealed: “I’m trying.””

Well this sounds like it could bring some much needed healing to the Lohan/Ronson relationship – it’ll especially quell all the fist fights they always get into with each other over whether or not the current Pope would be able to pummel Noah should the opportunity ever arise. Sure that sounds trite, but we heard it’s what caused their Valentine’s fight.

The conversion will also serve several other purposes Lohan so desperately needs filled. It will help keep her grounded for one, and if she adheres to things strictly there’ll definitely be no more sniffing cocaine off of dead or dying pigs.

If she ever did that anyway.

But perhaps most importantly, a full-fledged Jewish conversion with a lesbian twist will bring her that much closer to her goal of one day hooking up with Anne Frank in any kind of Torrah-based afterlife. This, we sense, is what the whole Ronson fling has always been about anyway.

And really, can you blame her? Frank looks good on that book cover.

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We know this because we once attended Samantha Ronson’s productivity seminar Shut Up Coal Miners: I Work Much Harder Than Any Of You Idiots. True, we only went because we heard Lindsay Lohan was going to be there, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, Samantha Ronson works so hard that she recently went to hospital for exhaustion. Apparently she went straight to the Overdramatic Tosspot clinic, where she was diagnosed by a Dr Getarealjob. True story.

If you want to know why Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson go so well together, you just have to look at a list of their common interests. They’re both lesbians, for example, which helps. And they both love to blog about what a horrible dickwad Lindsay Lohan’s dad is. But more than that, both Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson know the value of hard labour.

Just look at Lindsay Lohan. That woman works so hard that she gets hospitalised for exhaustion all the time. Like when she got dehydrated and collapsed on that film set because she was just working too bloody hard? That was an awful, perfectly legitimate, moment in Lindsay Lohan’s life, and the main contributing factor for Lindsay Lohan not making many films any more. It isn’t that she’s box office poison and has one of the worst reputations in Hollywood. It’s because she gets exhausted.

And now that goes for Samantha Ronson as well. Her DJing career has really taken off now that nightclubs have realised that Lindsay Lohan will definitely turn up as well if they booked her. We don’t why that it is. Maybe she’s just a really good DJ.

But anyway, because she’s so in-demand lately, Samantha Ronson’s life has turned into an endless orgy of travel and work. And, seriously, if you think you know what exhaustion is, you should try getting paid thousands of dollars to stand in a roped-off section of a grotty nightclub playing records with a bored look on your face for a couple of hours at a time. That’s work.

And it’s why Samantha Ronson was recently hospitalised for exhaustion. But don’t worry, because she’s fine again now, as the New York Daily News reports:

“I’m home and all good,” Ronson, 31, said in a MySpace Celebrity blog post on Monday after being released from a Los Angeles hospital. LiLo’s gal pal visited Cedars-Sinai Medical Center Sunday afternoon, mere hours after spinning tunes at Hollywood’s Ecco Ultra Lounge alongside her girlfriend. “Was just pretty exhausted from traveling and working too much,” Ronson said, adding, “my Jewish mother was worried about me.”

Actually, we shouldn’t mock Samantha Ronson – sources are claiming that her exhaustion actually stems from a mixture of depression, lack of food and lack of sleep, which doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy combination. But if Samantha Ronson started eating and sleeping, then she’d quickly lose her trademark look – that of a novelty eraser-tipped pencil shaped like Mickey Pearce from Only Fools And Horses – and that’d be no good either. It’s a catch-22 if ever we saw one.

However, it’s almost Christmas – the perfect time for Samantha Ronson to put her feet up and take it easy. True, she’ll have to wait for scientists to discover a new way to take it easy that exerts even less energy than the thing she does for a living, but she can wait.

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However, some people – some French people to be precise – don’t approve of Lindsay Lohan’s continued endorsement of animal fur. As such they’ve felt the need to attack Lindsay Lohan, and attack her with a starchy baking ingredient. too. To put it bluntly, someone threw flour at Lindsay Lohan this weekend, and it made Lindsay Lohan sad.

But it also made Lindsay Lohan’s boyfriend Samantha Ronson furious. Furious enough to dash to her computer and thrash out an angry dollop of screed about it on her blog. So it must be serious – Sam Ronson only uses her blog for important matters, like politics and private matters and reality TV shows and that time she totally just spent like six hours playing Guitar Hero until her hands were sore. You know, the big stuff.

As part-reptile – on her mother’s side, genealogy fans! – Lindsay Lohan feels the cold a lot more than regular human beings do. Well, to be fair it’s partly because of her reptilian ancestry and partly because Lindsay Lohan has never worn a pair of knickers in her entire life, but whatever. Lindsay Lohan gets cold a lot. That’s the point we’re trying to make.

And, as such, Lindsay Lohan relies on fur coats for warmth like nobody else. If she can get her hands on a fur coat, she’ll wear it. If she can’t get her hands on a fur coat, she’ll allegedly steal one from an idiot. And if Lindsay Lohan can’t steal a fur coat from an idiot, then this is what happens. And who wants to see that, now, really.

Anyway, French animal rights protesters don’t seem to understand this little fact about Lindsay Lohan. That’s why, when Lindsay and Samantha Ronson went to Paris recently, Lindsay Lohan ended up taking a flourbomb to the head while being called a ‘fur hag’ by local rights activists.

Personally, we think the French protesters were being a little bit ignorant – Lindsay Lohan doesn’t have the luxury of the overwhelmingly hairy armpits, faces and pubic areas that the French women enjoy, and she has to use animal fur to make up the difference. In that sense they’re mocking the disabled. But whatever.

Lindsay Lohan has yet to formally respond to the flour attack, but that hasn’t stopped Sam Ronson from hopping onto her MySpace blog to speak on her behalf. Well, we say ’speak’ but we actually mean ‘wail like a mental seagull falling down a liftshaft’. Sam wrote:

“It seems lately I am learning that there are too many people who put another species before their fellow man and that’s sad. I don’t wear fur, but I don’t think I have the right to attack those who do. No one has that right… The girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it’s an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilised than that person.”

Thank heavens that Sam Ronson took back that bit about the flour attacker being an animal. If Lindsay Lohan actually thought for a second that the girl really was an animal, then we have no doubt she’d have skinned her long ago. And we hear that walking around New York with a French cadaver draped around your neck is something of a faux pas these days. We think we saw that on Gok Wan.

For the very first time, Lindsay Lohan has confessed to a magazine that she’s probably bisexual. She won’t fully commit to it for sure, just in case Samantha Ronson does turn out to be a man after all. Lindsay has, however, claimed that she doesn’t know if she wants to get married to a man or a woman yet.

Of course, Lindsay Lohan’s sexual persuasion is her business and hers alone. If Lindsay Lohan wants to fall in love with a boy, that’s fine. If Lindsay Lohan wants to fall in love with a girl, that’s fine too. Frankly either one would be a step up from the barely functioning patchy-headed half-goat half-chimp hybrid abomination that was Calum Best, so really Lindsay Lohan wins either way.

Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality has always been her fortune, whether she’s using it to pose naked for magazines, star in movies about amnesiac strippers or stumble around European islands wedging her tongue into whatever human orifice happens to be closest to her at any given moment in time.

And that’s why Samantha Ronson has been such a source of fascination. She’s close enough to Lindsay Lohan for Lindsay to call her ‘my girlfriend’ during fights and, through a mixture of rumours and wilful father-enraging, she seems to have all but confirmed a romance between the pair of them.

But Lindsay Lohan has always stayed silent on the matter, possibly because she was scared about alienating the single remaining male fan who doesn’t feel slightly queasy when he thinks of Lindsay Lohan rasping cack-breathed come-ons directly into his face. However, that changes now.

In the new issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Lindsay Lohan has finally decided to open up about her sexual preferences, while claiming that Samantha Ronson has helped turn her life around. People reports:

“She’s a wonderful person and I love her very much,” said Lohan. When asked by Harper’s Bazaar if she is bisexual, Lohan responded: “Maybe. Yeah.” And will Lohan hear wedding bells in the future? “Eventually,” she said. But whether that will be with a man or a woman, “I don’t know.”

We don’t know about you, but regardless of Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality it’s so refreshing to read an interview where she can confidently assert that her troubles are all behind her and that she’s moving onwards and upwards with her life. We don’t think she’s ever done that before.

Well, apart from this time, that is. And this time. And this time, obviously. Oh, and this time. Actually, you can pretty much just go ahead and ignore that last paragraph entirely if you want.

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Well, guess what? She is Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend. Sort of. We think. In a telephone interview with a radio station on Monday, Lindsay Lohan explained that she had been going out with Samantha Ronson “for a very long time” – the closest she’s ever come to publicly admitting a lesbian relationship.

Goodness. First Clay Aiken and now Lindsay Lohan. Today really seems to be the day for admitting long-kept secrets about your sexuality. And, thanks to this spirit of openness, we’ve decided that it’s our turn too – Mum, Dad, we only get aroused by watching pregnant midget lesbian poo porn. But only if one of the midgets is an amputee and the other one is dressed like Ringo Starr as the Pope from Lisztomania.

Too much?

Samantha Ronson has undoubtedly been good for Lindsay Lohan. Since they began their friendship several months ago, Lindsay Lohan’s life has turned around completely. We’ve seen no arrests, no hopeless stabs at rehab and – most importantly of all – our screaming night terrors over the thought of Lindsay Lohan putting her mouth over the end of Calum Best’s penis have fallen by as much of 30%.

But it’s important to remember that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are just friends. Normal platonic friends just like you and your same-gender best friend. Sure, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might spend every waking moment together hand in hand and occasionally indulge in the odd kiss and cuddle, but that’s what all same-gender friends do. All of them. And if they don’t, they’re definitely thinking about it.

However, some absurd fools have been recently suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might be a bit, you know, gay. Apparently Lindsay Lohan has been doing some unquestionably gay things lately, like wanting to marry Samantha Ronson and thinking about voting Democrat. But this was all just speculation, at least until Monday.

Because on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was talking to DJ Ted Stryker on the syndicated radio show Loveline when she all but admitted a lesbian relationship with Ronson. Here’s the juicy part of the conversation:

Stryker: “You guys, you and Samantha, have been going out for how long now? Like two years, one year, five months, two months?”

Lohan: “For a very long time.”

Now we know what you’re thinking. This is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, so perhaps we shouldn’t take this admission at face value. While it’s perfectly feasible to assume that Lindsay and Samantha are a lesbian couple, she may have also said this to deliberately provoke the media, or even just to send her dad into more of an apoplectic spaz-dribble.

But, what the hell, let’s just assume that Lindsay Lohan really is a lesbian. And good for her. This now means that she can move onto the next stage of her career, which involves crying about puppies on TV and gaining stalkers who are prepared to blow up airports just to catch her eye. And not a moment too soon, if you ask us.

Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.

That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.

We don’t know about you, but this whole gay marriage thing has been a bit of a letdown, hasn’t it? All that fuss and what have we got to show for it? Weddings by Ellen DeGeneres and Mr Sulu and nobody else, that’s what. It’s a bloody disgrace – doesn’t anyone realise that California only overturned its ban on gay marriage to lure secretly gay celebrities out of the closet? Honestly, famous secret gays, we don’t pay your wages for sloppy behaviour like this.

Luckily that might all be about to change, and it’s all down to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay understands the value of spectacle better than anyone, whether she’s having it off with men or getting arrested for chasing a car drunk with cocaine in her pockets. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming gay marriage will be the bash to end all bashes.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Lindsay Lohan is definitely going to have a gay wedding soon, to her inescapable female chum Samantha Ronson. And the wedding is definitely going to happen by the end of the year. Definitely. Newsday reports:

This week, Ronson told clubgoers at Los Angeles hot spot Chateau Marmont that the two plan to tie the knot within the next few months, Britain’s Sun newspaper reports. “By the end of the year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson,” she said, according to the Sun. Responding to the article, Lohan’s rep told us, “Please don’t believe the British press.”

See? What does “Please don’t believe the British press” mean if not “Lindsay Lohan is definitely getting married to Samantha Ronson, and soon, and it’s going to be awesome.”

We’ve been here before, of course, when Lindsay Lohan had supposedly got engaged to Samantha Ronson but actually didn’t and then last month when another report of their impending gay marriage was shot down. But this time is different because, um… OK, it’s actually not that different at all. But shut up. If Lindsay Lohan gets married to a girl we won’t be forced to look at any more gruesome photos of her allegedly sucking off blokes. That’s what’s most important here. Don’t burst our bubble, OK?

Also, if this story is true, would we be able to push for Samantha Ronson to be the groom and Lindsay Lohan the bride, please? Because that way Michael Lohan would get to make a speech and, well, what’s a wedding without a fist-fight between a middle-aged Christian and a lesbian, huh?

Seriously, there were loads to choose from and they picked Oblivious Mother Lohan, the teenage Lohan girl with a voice like a laryngitis-stricken pensioner and a little Lohan son so gaspingly anonymous that he might well be a silent figment of our imagination. Basically we’re just annoyed that Living Lohan stars neither Lindsay Lohan or her father Michael Lohan.

Why? Because Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have had a spectacular falling out in public, with Lindsay going on her blog to call her dad a ‘bully’ and a ‘public embarrassment’. And Lindsay Lohan knows what she’s on about – she’s something of a global expert on being embarrassing in public.

Lindsay Lohan’s parents couldn’t be more different. First there’s her mother Dina Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan likes. Dina routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her on a reality TV show that she’s paid to appear in. She also loves those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan.

And then there’s her father Michael Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan doesn’t like. Michael routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her to reporters for free. He also hates those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan. See? There’s a gigantic difference. Michael Lohan is a bastard.

No, really, he is. We read it on the internet.

Specifically, we read it on Lindsay Lohan’s blog. You see, Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have a tricky history. Thanks to his imprisonment and other interests, Michael wasn’t around during much of Lindsay’s upbringing, something that resulted in Lindsay Lohan writing a song called something like but not specifically Cuh, My Dad’s A Right Old Shitclaw.

And, although Lindsay and Michael patched it up briefly last year, they’ve gone and had another barney. It all started when Michael Lohan expressed his doubts about Lindsay’s possible lesbian lover Samantha Ronson, who might be writing a book about their relationship. He said:

“I’ve shut up about this long enough. She’s using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ. And now she’s writing a book? I am at wit’s end with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay’s best interest.”

And that’s resulted in Lindsay Lohan jumping onto her MySpace blog to return the volley of abuse. We definitely know that Lindsay Lohan was responsible for this, because it barely makes any sense:

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face… he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is)… His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME.

Although fantastically entertaining, this fall-out between Lindsay Lohan and her father is also tinged with a kind of deep sadness, because it looks unlikely that this exchange has reopened wounds that probably won’t ever heal.

That’s not because Michael Lohan has repeatedly abused Lindsay Lohan’s trust, or because his childhood abandonment of Lindsay is probably responsible for all the chronic attention-seeking behaviour that ultimately landed her in rehab.

No, the real reason there’ll never be closure here is because Lindsay Lohan wants Michael to say things to her face, and there’s quite a good chance that the only way that could ever happen is if he hides up inside Samantha Ronson’s vagina.

Sorry.

The only decent look inside her that we have had so far taught us little more than the fact that a vagina should really only be viewed in the cordial context of the bedroom, otherwise they can look quite menacing and no matter how hard you look at it, this particular insight was not quite wide enough to see through to her inner-soul.

But those days of mystery are now behind us, because Christa D’Souza of The Sunday Times has given Lindsay the interview of her life. We double dare you to not read on.

So then guys, is Lindsay Lohan engaged to DJ Samantha Ronson? Is Lindsay Lohan a lesbian? Will she ever finally disappear? Christa D’Souza doesn’t find out any of this, which begs the question: What is the point of Christa D’Souza?

Instead, Christa D’Souza asks things like: what address-book cover do you have? to which Lindsay replies: Smythson. I love Smythson.

See what we mean about insights? One minute you know nothing about a person and the next minute along comes Christa D’Souza and suddenly you learn not only what kind of address book cover the person has, but also that address-book covers exist. The truth shall set you free, so lets have some more:

Christa D’Souza asks: What is your favourite designer label? Lindsay Lohan says: Balenciaga. Hecklerspray wonders: who could possibly give a shit?

Christa D’Souza asks: But what about Dolce and Gabbana? Lindsay Lohan says: Omigod, they’re such good people to be around, And the way their dresses fit. If I get married, I would definitely want them to do the gown. Hecklerspray wonders: Is this why Paul Scholes never does post-match interviews; because he has nothing of any interest to say? A lot of you ask: Who is this Paul Scholes and why do you keep using him in reference to Lindsay Lohan? Hecklerspray says: Fair point.

The interview takes place in the outdoor café of a photo studio off Melrose Avenue in – coolest city in the world – Los Angeles. Lindsay is with a small entourage, which includes a chap named Lorit, who is Lindsay’s ‘personal spray-tanner’.

There are no words.

At one point Christa D’Souza actually says:

Let us not forget one small fact. Lohan can actually act, as anybody who saw her in The Parent Trap, Mean Girls, Freaky Friday or even the widely panned Georgia Rule, would surely have to agree.

We know. We know. The world is fucking weird. To which Lindsay replies, no doubt shocked out of her skull:

Well, thank you, that’s nice, because that’s what I do: I act. That’s what I’ve done since I was seven. People seem to lose sight of that. They skim over it, they’re more interested in seeing a picture of me slipping in the rain, which I did last night, and someone got a picture . . .(at his point Lindsay gets distracted and turns to her friend, Jeni) Are you going to have some cheesecake? Ya are? Okay, gimme some too. But with just a little whipped cream, okay?

Yep, that made it into the interview. If you are interested in more stuff like this than either follow the link below or find the nearest rifle, pretend you are Lindsay Lohan and the barrel is Callum Best’s dirty-fudgestick, apologise to God for being a moron and plaster the walls around you with your useless brain/skull juice.

Read More – Lindsay Lohan talks about her troubled life – The Sunday Times

But if anyone’s going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan’s new sapphic endeavours, it’s bound to be Michael Lohan – Lindsay’s born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan – is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis?

What’s that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you’re backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you’re trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you’re yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn’t help at all. Sheesh.

As this is Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex, we’re quickly realising that not much can surprise us any more. Lindsay Lohan’s had sex with the entire male population of an Italian island, she’s had sex with someone’s pecker on camera and now, if you believe what you read, she’s now busy having sex with a woman. Next will be feral woodland creatures, you mark our word, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

The woman who Lindsay Lohan is rumoured to be having sex with is Samantha Ronson and, to the casual observer, it looks like love. Lindsay Lohan loves Samantha Ronson enough to shriek at whichever Olsen twin happens to be nearest to her and to apparently get engaged to her.

But what do we know? It’s not like we’re Lindsay Lohan’s dad or anything. Lindsay Lohan’s dad knows everything that goes on in the Lohan family, except for what happened to it that time he went to prison for crashing his car drunk and trying to attack a man with his shoe. And prior to that when he was such an irresponsible parent that one of his daughters emailed the media to declare what a bastard he was.

But Michael Lohan knows everything else about the Lohans. OK, Michael Lohan knows that Dina Lohan’s reality TV show is crummy and that Lindsay used to be addicted to OxyContin and that’s about the extent of his knowledge.

However, when someone from Us Weekly recently asked him whether Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian or not, this shameful lack of family knowledge didn’t stop Michael from blurting out that her relationship with Ronson:

“is evident to anyone with half a brain.”

Great! Lindsay Lohan’s officially a lesbian. Except that, no, now Michael Lohan’s saying everything was taken out of context and that Lindsay Lohan definitely isn’t a lesbian. Unless she is, in which case he’s totally OK with it. The New York Daily News reports:

Michael Lohan said he had not seen any photos of his daughter and Ronson nuzzling necks in France recently. Nor would it matter to him if his daughter were gay. “Lindsay’s life choices are up to her,” he said. “I don’t get involved in my daughter’s personal life. They’re friends, they’re always together. I hug my friends, does that make me a homosexual? Of course not.”

Poor old Michael Lohan. Trying to make out like he’s got the first clue about what his daughter’s up to when he clearly hasn’t. We hope for Michael’s sake that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t turn out to be a lesbian, because it might mean that he’ll be torn between his daughter and his new-found hardline faith.

And that’s just unfair – nothing should come between a father and his daughter. Nothing. Unless the father goes jail because he tried to beat a man up with a shoe, obviously. But that’s it.

Remember, for example, in 1991 when it was discovered Emmanuel Lewis was actually the kidney that stunted Gary Coleman’s growth? Or what about when Air Bud lost his leg to an enormous electric pencil sharpener mistakenly left on and churning by the owner’s alcoholic teenage son? Well that last one really isn’t a good example because it was eventually proven in court – Lifetime actually did an entire mini series on it. We think.

Well now we’ve got another of those stories for you, and of equal or lesser caliber too – Lindsay Lohan is apparently maritally engaged to a super-ugly man that is actually a mediocre woman.

We think she was mediocre anyway. We really don’t remember as several weeks ago a picture of her made us poke out our own eyes.

We don’t know, though. She could have been alright.

When a paid mystic is lucky enough to look into Lindsay Lohan’s future, they’ll likely see a few concrete things. Probably a dozen or so Herbie Fully Loaded straight-to-DVD sequels around 2015 – all filmed while Maggie Peyton has a death grip on several colostomy bags. It’s because of a popped colon. Disney will probably find a way to work it into the plot as their people are really quite creative.

To be clear Lohan’s 2015 popped colon is based purely on speculation. We don’t have any inside sources leaking us medical charts, we’ve not been tracking poop-related global maladies and more importantly we’ve heard Lohan’s excrement is far too acidic to ever be held by anything less than a double riveted, thick-hulled Russian T-90S steel war tank.

But why talk about Lohan’s toiletry needs when we have far more interesting things to speak of – like her maybe being engaged to a woman. The Bosh wants you to read for yourself:

“Lindsay Lohan was spotted flashing an engagement ring at Cannes, fueling reports she is in a romantic relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson.”

You remember who this Ronson chick is don’t you? Well you should – when Lohan almost beat up half of Michelle Tanner for saying hello to her in a public place we reported on it twice. (1, 2) Also she’s a DJ or something. She’s got her finger right on the pulse of America’s music vein we’ve heard.

More recently the two have been in the headlines for simultaneous limp bumping either all over P Diddy, or all over P Diddy’s yacht – we’re not sure which. Given the chance we’re told the boat could do so with a touch more vigor and passion.

That’s probably from someone who saw Raisin In The Sun.

We’re just saying.

It’s a possibility if recent reports suggesting that Lindsay Lohan is back drinking again are to be believed. According to several sources, Lindsay Lohan was seen out in New York last weekend necking cocktails, smoking cigarettes and screeching at one of the Olsen twins to stay away from her ‘girlfriend’ Samantha Ronson.

Oh Lindsay, it’s so good to have you back. Your cocaine-filled trousers are pressed and waiting for you, and Calum Best has his camera phone primed in case you want to perform any more sex acts on him. Remember – you’re a celebrity, so you can do whatever the fuck you want.

A sober Lindsay Lohan isn’t exactly boring – unless you count naked photoshoots, alleged sex tapes and endless oblivious conversations about herself boring, of course – but she’s really not a patch on hammered Lindsay Lohan.

You know, the Lindsay Lohan who’ll collapse on film sets. The Lindsay Lohan who spends her entire life in rehab. The Lindsay Lohan who’s basically completely uninsurable and therefore unlikely to ever be taken seriously as an actress again. She’s brilliant.

And, what’s more, she’s back. It’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was seen falling off the wagon to spectacular effect in New York on Friday night, and this time we’re told that her drunken antics involved yelling “Get your 15-year-old ‘Full House’ ass away from my girlfriend,” at one of the Olsen sisters. According to People:

The actress – who completed a stint in Cirque Lodge rehab last September – is raising eyebrows again after she was spotted on Saturday drinking Grey Goose and Red Bull cocktails at a party deejayed by pal Samantha Ronson. Lohan, 21, smoked cigarettes, chatted with friends and hit the dance floor at Hawaiian Tropic Zone in New York as Ronson spun tunes until 4 a.m.

Samantha Ronson, by the way, is the woman who sparked Lindsay Lohan’s ‘girlfriend’ rant. Over to Page Six:

Saturday, Lohan said Ronson “was ignoring her” and became upset. “Samantha was really focused on her work and didn’t leave the booth for anything,” said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she’s even created a Facebook profile under “Lindsay Ronson.”

Lindsay Ronson? Really? Isn’t that the sort of thing that twelve-year-old girls write on their schoolbooks when they like a boy? We can’t see this Samantha Ronson infatuation lasting with Lindsay Lohan, though – notice the Facebook name is ‘Lindsay Ronson’ and not ‘Lindsay Ronson IDST 4 EVA’.

Anyway, this isn’t the first time that Lindsay Lohan has an alcoholic relapse – back in January she was filmed swigging out of a champagne bottle, an incident which caused her to immediately seek help again. Maybe the same thing will happen now that Lindsay’s started to drink again.

Anyway, if a bit of booze means that Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex now includes women as well as men, then so be it. Let’s just hope that she doesn’t go near the drugs again, because with men and women struck off the sex list, that basically just leaves animals. Those poor, poor animals.

Read more:

Is Lindsay Lohan Going Back to Her Old Ways? – People

Sam’s All Hers – Page Six