Now that New Moon is an unqualified success, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart carry on doing what they love best.

And that’s schlepping around together looking genuinely miserable. This time, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been seen together in New York, eating food and being outside and stuff. Oh, and possibly getting their bodyguards to stand in the way while they have a quick kiss.

So are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart finally an item? Maybe the answer is yes. Maybe the answer is no. Maybe we’ll never find out for sure. And maybe one day we’ll get bored and stop asking. PS: that last one is patently never going to happen.

Thanks to New Moon, the world has two new A-list megastars – and we’re certain that they make a wonderful couple. We’re talking, of course, about Taylor Lautner’s nipples. True, one day Taylor Lautner’s nipples might fall out of favour with one another and go through a painful drawn-out split, but for now they’re megastars. Megastars, you hear?

Also, there’s Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, who are also quite famous and probably a couple, although they lose marks for not being quite as attractive as a 16-year-old boy’s hairy nipples.

The Robert Pattinson/ Kristen Stewart romance is troubling not only because it doesn’t have a proper name yet (Krobert? Stattinson? Pisten?), but because both parties are maintaining a steely silence about it. To this day, Robert Pattinson says he can’t get a date and Kristen Stewart maintains that she’s a lesbian. But they’re always together – so what gives?

Well, luckily enough, some people had nothing better to do than stalk around New York three paces behind Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart last weekend, jotting down every single individual sign of intimacy between them into a grubby little notebook. And, luckily enough, we’ve got nothing better to do than pass that information on in the misguided belief that any of it’s worthwhile. People reports:

The duo started their night at the ultra exclusive Soho House, where they “had a good time”. Later, they skipped over to Avenue, where they were spotted making out while their bodyguards tried to block prying eyes. On Saturday night the two were spotted getting close at Dive Bar, on the Upper West Side. A source spotted the duo around 3 a.m. with their bodyguard in tow.

So that, it would seem, is that. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were seen making out, so they must be a couple. Unless the information was false and they weren’t making out and they’re not a couple. But let’s assume that they are, in which case we’d like to congratulate Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart on their new-found love. And also, we’d like to warn them that if they ever have kids, they’re going to have some really shit hair.

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Obviously when we saw New Moon, we mean The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Because that’s the film’s official title.

Or we mean Omigod Omigod OMIGODDDD I TOTALLY JUST SAW EDWARD’S NIPPLES! SQUEEE! Because that’s what people who see the film are most likely to screech when asked about it. Anyway, New Moon is the new weekend box office number one, after opening to record-breaking success.

What records did New Moon break? Well, it officially had the highest opening day gross of any film in history, so that’s one. It’s also broken the record for the film that made us unfriend the most amount of people on Facebook for saying how much they enjoyed it. Go New Moon!

If you haven’t seen New Moon yet, then SPOILER ALERT – it’s rubbish. And about two hours too long. And made up exclusively of painfully drawn-out silences and close-up shots of boy nipples. And it’s rubbish. Did we mention that it’s rubbish?

But New Moon is also successful, which is why it’s number one at the US weekend box office this week. It’s already broken box office records. It’s already the biggest werewolf movie ever. It’s had the biggest-ever opening for an independent movie. It’s caused more involuntary urination than any other film this year and it’s the best-performing film about a pale, undead ghoul with a creepy fondness for people much younger than him since that Michael Jackson film. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - New Moon (If you liked New Moon, you’ll love watching its stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in other hit films like, um, no. No, actually, we’ve got nothing) $140,700,000

2 - The Blind Side (Sandra Bullock plays a southern woman who adopts an impoverished young black boy from a broken home and, against the odds, falls in love with him. We made that last bit up based on the plot of every other Sandra Bullock film. We’re probably right) $34,510,000

3 - 2012 (Where John Cusack almost causes the total extinction of the human species. Which we thought he almost did when he made Serendipity. Are we right? Huh? HUH?) $26,500,000

4 - Planet 51 (Where Dwayne The Rock Johnson goes on a fun-filled family adventure and blah blah blah blah blah blah hilarious consequences) $12,600,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (The first of Robert Zemeckis‘ computer animated films where you’re not overwhelmingly creeped out by the almost-human characters. That’s because this is a Jim Carrey film and you’re bound to be more freaked out by the almost-human voices) $12,230,000

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Let’s play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice.

Things that Miley Cyrus doesn’t like: Twilight. There must be other things too – like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper’s vagina, probably – but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn’t like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn’t like Twilight and now it’s news. Because that’s how news works.

In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn’t even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.

This is a difficult time for Miley Cyrus. She’s clearly desperate to break free from the shackles of Hannah Montana and become a more adult-oriented performer, but how? Taking her clothes off for magazines? She’s already done that. Releasing singles that sound like tenth-rate Red Hot Chili Pepper rip-offs instead of tenth-rate High School Musical rip-offs? She’s already done that too. What else can Miley do to deliberately distance herself from her tween fanbase?

We know! Why doesn’t Miley Cyrus take every opportunity to badmouth everything that tweens traditionally like? It’s a perfect idea. Tweens like Twitter, so why doesn’t Miley Cyrus suddenly decide that she hates Twitter? What? She’s already done that? Brilliant? What next? What else do tweens like? Heelies? Too niche. Ice cream? Too broad. Talking about themselves endless in gratingly rasping voices under the profound misapprehension that anybody cares? But Miley likes that too! Oh, this is SO HARD!

Hang on, what about Twilight? That’s perfect. Tweens don’t just like Twilight, they love Twilight. They love Twilight so much that all they want to do when they grow up is get pregnant from a 108-year-old man who’ll gnaw through her guts to get the baby out. So why doesn’t Miley Cyrus just trash that? It’s a DEAL! MTV reports:

“I’ve never seen it and nor will I ever,” Miley [said]. The starlet went on to elaborate on what exactly it is about “Twilight” that offends her. “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires. … I don’t like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts. I don’t like any of it,” she said.

Well, gee Miley, we knew that you didn’t like shirts – because you take enough photos of yourself without them – but to say that you don’t like Twilight a few days before the release of New Moon is put thousands of young fans in a quandary. What are they supposed to do now?

Do they side with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the effortlessly dishevelled stars of New Moon who inspire lust and devotion everywhere they go? Or do the side with the annoying 16-year-old who’s probably best known for holding hands with a Jonas Brother and singing songs like Ice Cream Freeze (Let’s Chill)?

Yeah, it’s a toughie.

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It’s just a matter of days until New Moon is released. What’s it going to be like? Well, rubbish, obviously.

But forget that. New Moon! Yay! Anticipation for New Moon is at fever pitch – nobody knows anything about it. Well, unless they’ve downloaded it off the internet already. Or read the book. Or read the Wikipedia page for the book. Or watched any late-night European television commercials for homosexual chat lines. But forget all that too.

Because last night the New Moon premiere took place, which is important because it meant that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner all wore nice clothes. We don’t have the image rights to show you the clothes. But all’s not lost – we’ve got the next best thing.

You don’t have to be an expert on cinema to know that New Moon is going to be a sensation. It’s going to take everything that anyone loved about Twilight – the bad-haired sparkle pixie, the girl with the long face, the terrible Paramore soundtrack – and add so many werewolves and boy nipples and scenes featuring Tony Blair that it’s bound to reduce audiences to quivering, urine-soaked emo pandas within the first minute.

But before New Moon, we have to deal with the New Moon premiere, which took place last night in Los Angeles. The New Moon premiere was important because it gave fans the chance to see their favourite stars close-up, allowing them to answer big questions like ‘Are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really an item?’, ‘What does Taylor Lautner look like when he’s wearing clothes?’ and ‘My life really has gone terribly wrong somewhere down the line, hasn’t it?’

As with all premieres, though, the New Moon premiere gave everyone a chance to dress up to the nines and look effortlessly glamorous. We’d show you what the young New Moon stars wore, but sadly we can’t afford the image rights. So instead, we’ve employed a professional illustrator to create near-photographic recreations of their outfits, based on descriptions by MTV. Ready?

Robert Pattinson – MTV said:

Pattinson looked dashing, as the English gentleman wore a fitted black Gucci suit. And the ladies swooned over his tousled, highlighted hair.

Here’s how he looked…

Taylor Lautner – MTV said:

Lautner opted for a blue suit, pairing it with a tie and shirt in a similar shade. But his spiky hair and easygoing demeanor kept the look age appropriate and fun.

Here’s how he looked…

Kristen Stewart – MTV said:

Stewart really glammed it up, abandoning her usual grungy-cool style for a flowing, ethereal gown. But she did hold on to a bit of the trademark Stewart style with her messy, just-out-of-bed updo, with heavy eye makeup finishing the look.

Here’s how she looked…

You’re welcome, New Moon fans!

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With New Moon being released this week, there’s only one question that needs to be asked about the Twilight saga.

And that’s ‘for the love of all that’s holy, won’t somebody make it stop?’ Oh, and also ‘now that the saga has become so depressingly popular, will Stephenie Meyer ever write another Twilight book?’ That is a question that needs to be asked. It is. It is. Alright, it isn’t. But Stephenie Meyer has answered it anyway.

So will there be a new Twilight book? Maybe. One day. Unless she thinks of something better to do. Possibly. You’re welcome Twilight fans. You’re welcome.

At the moment, the Twilight saga has a perfect ending. Breaking Dawn – the book where Edward chews through Bella’s uterus or whatever – wraps things up nicely for everyone. Bella becomes a vampire, Edward finds love, Taylor Lautner decides that he wants to have sex with a baby or something and all the Twilight fans who read it end up soaked in their own wee to such a horrendous extent that even they realise they should probably start reading real books for once. It’s a perfect ending.

However, because the books are so popular – and definitely not because Stephenie Meyer wants enough money to submerge a giant coin mosaic of her own face at the bottom of her Olympic-sized heated swimming pool – there’s a chance that Breaking Dawn might not be the last Twilight book after all. Why, just the other day Oprah Winfrey opened an episode of her show with the burning question:

“Coming up, will there be a fifth book in the Twilight saga? Stephenie answers that later.”

Admittedly Oprah didn’t get round to actually asking that question – she was probably too busy prattling on about her feelings like some sort of awful ninny – but after the show some backstagers, probably rolling their eyes and muttering “She’s always doing this”, collared Stephenie Meyer and forced her to answer the question. Here’s what she said:

“I can’t answer it. The way I write, it’s what makes me happy. Like, I can’t write when people are looking over my shoulder. I am a little burned out on vampires right now. I think I need a little break. I might go spend some time with my aliens. I did envision it as a longer series. But I wrapped ‘Breaking Dawn’ in a way that I felt satisfied with, so if that moment didn’t come, I’d be OK.”

Brilliant! That means there’s definitely going to be a fifth Twilight book – Stephenie Meyer just needs to write an underperforming book about aliens that makes her realise that she’ll only have enough money to eat if she keeps joylessly churning out Twilight stories first. And you know what that means – a new Twilight book will eventually become a new Twilight film!

We don’t know what we’re more excited about – the thought of seeing a paunchy Taylor Lautner taking his top off with the kind of glee you only get when you’ve spent the last decade making direct-to-DVD erotic thrillers or the fact that, by the time the fifth Twilight film gets made, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will have got married, had children and gone through the bitterest divorce in Hollywood history, making every scene they share toe-curlingly awkward for everyone involved.

But what to call the fifth Twilight book? We’ve already had Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – what comes after that? Well, if our research is anything to go by, we can now comfortably predict that the next Twilight book will be called The Fat Lady Gets Another Jaffa Cake Out Of The Packet. We’re almost completely certain about that.

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Robert Pattinson has got it all. He’s got incredible fame. He’s got wealth. He’s got moviestar good looks.

He’s got a stinky arse. He’s got armpit odour that could blind a nun from 30 paces. He’s got breath that could dissolve concrete. He’s got feet that could be isolated and used as a spitefully powerful weaponised pathogen. He has. No, really, he has. Robert Pattinson has admitted to a magazine that he essentially smells like a dirty protest in a curry house.

Um, Robert Pattinson? We think you’ll find that slagging you off is our job, not yours. Would you like it if we starred in a number of crappy films about sparkly bad-haired effeminate vampires? No. No you wouldn’t. So stop it.

How do you divide Twilight fans into groups? Splitting them into those who dribble and those who don’t won’t work, because they all dribble. Similarly, you can’t divide them into groups of 1) those who wear black nail varnish and those who don’t, 2) those who uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and those who don’t or 3) those who are desperately lonely and those who aren’t, because all Twilight fans wear black nail varnish, uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and are desperately lonely. That’s just a fact.

But maybe you can divide Twilight fans into those who like Robert Pattinson and those who like Taylor Lautner. Yes, that works. Twilight fans who like Taylor Lautner prefer buff young men with an uncontrollable wild side and an inexplicable propensity for wandering around half naked. And Twilight fans who like Robert Pattinson prefer men who stink like a barrel of bums in a curdled yoghurt factory.

It’s true. Remember all those rumours from earlier this year about how Robert Pattinson stinks? And remember how he initially denied it? Well it’s all out in the open now. We know it’s all out in the open because a) Robert Pattinson has admitted that he stinks, and b) all the foliage in a 40-mile radius of Robert Pattinson’s dirty bum has wilted, died, caught on fire and started to poison people with its toxic bum-smoke. Us Weekly reports:

Pattinson says that he rarely changes his clothes. “These jeans are a few days old,” he says. “But the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can’t stand the air around me. I don’t know, my personal hygiene – it’s so disgusting!” He explains that his constant travel schedule pares down his wardrobe quite a bit.

You know what? We’re proud of Robert Pattinson. It takes a big man to step forward and admit that he reeks like an old man’s shoe that’s been filled with bat guano. It takes a big man to admit that smelling his scalp is like smelling a pork chop that’s been left behind a radiator for six months. It takes a big man to admit that when he cries, the tears smell like a mixture of raw sewage and infected wounds. Be proud, Robert Pattinson. Hold your chin up high. Raise your arms in triumph.

Actually, no, put your arms down again. Jesus, man, you smell like crap.

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That’s presuming that Taylor Lautner wears knickers. He might not. He doesn’t really wear shirts very often.

Maybe knickers are an afterthought. After all, if you wore shirts as infrequently as Taylor Lautner, you probably wouldn’t concern yourself too much with the threat of splashing a bit of wee directly up the inside of your trousers, would you? Would you? No. No you wouldn’t.

Anyway, Taylor Lautner threw a little tantrum at a press conference on Friday when people wouldn’t shut up about Taylor Swift. We should have just said that at the beginning instead of banging on about knickers, really.

In the next couple of weeks, New Moon will be released and Taylor Lautner will solidify his position as the world’s hottest mostly-nude teenage werewolf. That’s bound to be an exciting time for him, but it also has its downsides. Lautner only needs to look at Robert Pattinson to see that.

Despite all the good things that Twilight fame has brought him, Robert Pattinson’s life has been affected in a number of negative ways, too. It’s made screaming dribble-faced teenage girls try and push him into traffic all the time. It’s made his love life the source of constant uninvited scrutiny. And it also seems to have elongated his face and made him think he can get away with that silly haircut all the time.

And that’s what Taylor Lautner has to look forward to, although hopefully without the unfortunate face and hair thing. Thanks to his burgeoning relationship with Taylor Swift, he already knows what it’s like to have questions asked about his personal life – questions like ‘Is it love?’, ‘Is it a real relationship?’ and ‘Just what are we supposed to call you two anyway? Twoler? Do we get to call you Twoler? Twoler sounds fun’ – and, on the basis of a press conference he took part in on Friday, it doesn’t look like he’s coping that well. E! Online reports:

The most famous member of the New Moon wolf pack got his hackles up Friday afternoon at a press conference for the film, when a reporter asked him about rumors that he’s dating Taylor Swift. “What about us?” Lautner shot back. “The very funny thing is that all of you have seen every single move I have made so I guess I can leave that up to you to decide.”

We probably shouldn’t read too much into this outburst – remember that this is the first time Taylor Lautner has ever carried a film by himself and, coupled with the fact that he’s only about four years old, we should be allowed to forgive him for a few beginner’s mistakes. But that’s missing the most important part. Read the last sentence of Taylor’s quote again. That’s right – he’s leaving the status of his relationship with Taylor Swift up to us to decide.

That’s great, because we’ve decided that we’d quite like both of them to shut up and go away. Thanks, Twoler!

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We don’t know about you, but we wish that the events in Twilight and New Moon would happen in real life.

We wish we knew a topless werewolf. We wish the world was really full of vampires. We really wish that Robert Pattinson would dissolve as soon as he comes in contact with sunlight. But, more than anything, we wish that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were a real couple.

But, sadly, they’re not. Robert Pattinson has told Vanity Fair as much. Which means that they are. Unless they’ve broken up. But they haven’t. Probably. Unless they’re not. Clear?

It must be so difficult for the cast of New Moon. Here they are, all ready to promote their new movie to the world, and their personal lives have suddenly decided to rear up completely of their own accord with no prompting from the New Moon marketing department or anything. It’s a terrible inconvenience for them, we’re sure.

Just last week we learnt that New Moon’s Taylor Lautner had found love with Taylor Swift, apropos of absolutely nothing. Next week we’re fully expecting to hear that New Moon’s Michael Sheen has somehow hooked up with a Jonas Brother. And this week it’s back to trusty old Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

If you follow this sort of thing, you may have noticed rumours in the press that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are a couple. These rumours have been fuelled in part by the undeniable onscreen chemistry they share, and in part by the fact that they’re almost definitely having it away with each other in real life. Believe what you read and you’ll know that Robert and Kristen do everything together. They eat together. They stay in hotels together. From looking at them, you’d think that they have competitions to see who can go the longest without washing together.

Except if you ask Robert Pattinson about any of this, he’ll completely deny it. We know this because Vanity Fair asked Robert Pattinson this recently, and he completely denied it. Look:

“It doesn’t make any difference what you say [to the tabloids]. I’ve literally been across the country [from Kristen], and it’s like ‘Oh, they were on secret dates!’ It’s like ‘Where? I can’t get out of my hotel room!’ … She’s influenced how I’ve done all the Twilight stuff. It’s quite nice to have someone who is genuinely indifferent to the whole spectacle of everything.”

So what’s the truth here? Are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart a couple or aren’t they? Will the world soon be full of bored-looking, shit-haired babies who look as if they could do with a couple of hours in the sunshine or won’t it? Will knowing the answer one way or the other make you any happier or even affect your life in any measurable way whatsoever or won’t it?

It won’t? Didn’t think so.

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New Moon won’t be released for another month, but that’s too long for us. We want New Moon to come out now!

Why the sudden enthusiasm? Have we finally succumbed to the hype and decided that we’d actually enjoy New Moon? Since we’re not fat little squealing 14-year-old girls, we’d have to say no. We actually want New Moon to come out now so that Summit can hurry up and start showing millions of poxy trailers for Eclipse all the bloody time instead.

But until then we’ll have to put with millions of New Moon trailers, the trillionth of which has just been released. After the jump!

We’ve lost count of all the different New Moon trailers that have been released since Twilight came out. Let’s try and count them – there was the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey, then there was the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey. Oh, and who can forget the one where Taylor Lautner took his shirt off and Kristen Stewart looked a bit dopey? Classics, all of them.

In fact, we’d say that you probably don’t have to go and actually see New Moon any more, because if some enterprising young fellow decided to stitch together all the different New Moon trailers that have come out over the course of the last few months, then you’d probably have the entire movie in full right there. Or at least 90 minutes of footage where Taylor Lautner hasn’t got a shirt on and Kristen Stewart stands around looking a bit dopey. Which is exactly what New Moon is basically going to be, anyway.

Anyway, a brand new New Moon trailer has hit the internet and – because nothing else has happened today – we’re going to show it to you. Ready?

Now if you’re anything like us, you probably didn’t see much of the trailer because every time you pressed play you started crying and screaming and trying to lick your computer screen and screaming “I LOVE YOU ROBERT PATTINSON!” so hard that you dislodged some of your teeth. So with that in mind, let’s go over some of the key scenes from the new New Moon trailer:

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE ONE

The dialogue from this New Moon scene has been obscured, but we can exclusively reveal what it is for the very first time…

Kristen Stewart: What’s that hard thing in your trousers, Taylor Lautner?

Taylor Lautner: Oh, that’s, oh… it’s a mystical werewolf thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Kristen Stewart: Really? Because it feels a bit like…

Taylor Lautner: Mystical werewolf thing. Stop talking about it now.

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE TWO

We’re not completely sure what’s going on here, but it looks like Robert Pattinson is humping Taylor Lautner’s naked leg like a horny dog while Kristen Stewart watches. That’s just how Robert Pattinson rolls.

NEW MOON TRAILER SCENE THREE

Wow, KD Lang’s let herself go a bit, hasn’t she?

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Note to Megan Fox: Some people don’t like being called Hitler – especially when they’re your boss.

Apparently, in retaliation for her Hitler jibe, Michael Bay has decided to kill Megan Fox off in Transformers 3. If you ask us, he’s gone light on Megan – after all, this is a man who would blow up a children’s nursery if it got in between him and a badly conceptualised script.

It appears Megan Fox may have to find another franchise to cavort around in with a smug, self-satisfied look on her face. She’s reportedly going to be killed off in the upcoming Transformers sequel, imaginatively under the working title of  Transformers 3. Oh, spoilers!

It is hard to imagine the franchise going on without Megan Fox. After all, she lent so much to the films – for instance, there’s that bit where she leans over the car in the first film and, er, that bit where she leans over the motorcycle in the sequel.

If you are unfamiliar with the war of words between Fox and her Transformers director Michael Bay, then let us refresh you. Megan spoke to Wonderland Magazine and had this to say about her boss:

“He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for.”

Nice. Some crew members then wrote a letter, describing poor Fox as “Dumb as a rock” and suggesting that working with her is a”tedious experience“. More was said, but you have to feel sorry for the poor girl – or you would if she didn’t walk around with the equally vacant faced Robert Patterson.

It all looks like doom and gloom for Hollywood’s favourite pair of funbags, as rumours say she might not be part of the mega-franchise much longer – insiders tell In Touch Weekly that Bay is picking up his red and yellow crayons and writing Fox out of the series in a gory (and surely explosive) death scene, so that he can replace her with a newer, hotter, younger actress.

“Michael’s pretty much discovered Megan and now he’s very quietly looking for her replacement,” the source spilled. “He hasn’t decided if he’s going to kill her off in the next movie, but he just wants to be prepared.”

It’s okay though, Megan. You’ve got a successful movie career, two talents and a comfortable-looking ass to fall back on. Why, there’s that new film Jennifer’s Body that went straight to the bottom of the top 10 in the US. You’ll be alright, we’re sure there are plenty of directors out there dying to work with a one-note, robotic, self-absorbed actor famous for their bad relations with film crews.

Wait, we think we can hear the phone ringing. It’s McG, he wants to know if you’ll be in the next Terminator movie.

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Are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner?

Well, yes. Yes, there are probably several. But are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now who have the same first name and might possibly be dating than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner? No. We mean, there might be. But we haven’t checked. Seriously, what kind of joyless imbecile goes around finding couples who share a first name to see if they’re more or less famous than other couples who share a first name? Not us, buddy. NOT US.

Anyway, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner might be dating. That was our point.

Poor old Robert Pattinson. Thanks to Twilight, he’s spent much of this year swanning around with his pointy cheekbones and stupid haircut like he’s cock of the walk. Why just a few months ago, Robert Pattinson could have easily stolen your girlfriend, provided that your girlfriend was a kohl-eyed 13-year-old girl with a slack bladder and a depressing fondness for Paramore.

But now? Now Robert Pattinson is out of the picture. He’s only got a bit-part in New Moon, and so he can’t even get a date these days. Instead, everyone has turned their attention Taylor Lautner, who plays Willy The Werewolf in New Moon. He’s just like Robert Pattinson in that he’s got a genuinely alarming haircut, but he’s also compulsively unable to keep a shirt on for longer than about 30 seconds, so all the ladies love him.

Specifically, Taylor Swift loves him. Or at least that’s the rumour. MTV reports:

The pair have set tongues wagging after they were spotted canoodling following one of Swift’s concerts at the weekend. Lautner was also present at two of Swift’s Chicago gigs, sitting in the front row. According to Access Hollywood, the actor couldn’t keep his eyes off Swift and after she finished her performance, the couple shared a hug.

Now this might be a bit premature, but we think we can smell a megacouple in the making. After all, Taylor Lautner is currently the most desirable young actor on the planet, and Taylor Swift is currently the most desirable probable virgin who’s only famous because her music video isn’t as good as Beyonce’s music video on the planet. They’re made for each other.

So let’s start the whole megacouple process now. First we need to pick a clever Brangelina-style compound name for them. So let’s take the first half of Taylor Swift’s name and the last half of Taylor Lautner’s name. That gives us… oh, Taylor. OK, then we’ll take the first half of Taylor Lautner’s name and the last half of Taylor Swift’s name. Taylor. Oh balls. This isn’t working out nearly as well as we’d hoped. Taayloor? Ttaayylloorr? Twoler? Twoler. That’ll do. Twoler.

Congratulations on your budding relationship Twoler. We look forward to calling you Twoler as often as possible until you decide not to be a couple any more, which we expect to happen roughly four minutes after Taylor Lautner can stop promoting New Moon.

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Robert Pattinson might be one of the most famous haircuts in the world right now, but he still can’t find a date.

Don’t get excited. That sentence probably needs a qualifier. Let’s try this: Robert Pattinson still can’t find a date… with anyone who isn’t a witless honking teenage girl with bladder control problems, a rubbish haircut and a frankly dispiriting fixation with terrible films about vampires. So that’s you ruled out, clearly.

Anyway, it’s apparently true. Robert Pattinson says he’s having trouble in the love department. He’s working on it, but first he needs to fix his problems in the haircut, acting range and charisma departments. It’s good to prioritise.

When Twilight came out, a debate raged among fans about whether it was Robert Pattinson who was sexy, or his character Edward Cullen. That debate has long since been sewn up, though – it’s definitely Robert Pattinson who’s the sexy one. Why, just look at the raging success of his non-Twilight work for proof.

There was his Salvador Dali movie Little Ashes, which spent four months at the top of the box office. And How To Be, which won all of the Oscars ever made the day after it was released. And The Summer House, which saw Robert Pattinson walking off with several awards, the Nobel Peace Prize and, an IOU for the British Crown Jewels and a written offer from the UN to become King Of The World Forever, despite it only being 12 minutes long.

Oh, alright. Aside from Twilight, Robert Pattinson still hasn’t set the world on fire with his acting yet. But at least he’s got his pick of the world’s women – or at least the world’s women who are either under the age of 16 and think that wearing black Revlon nail enamel is an appropriate way to express furious rebellion, or over the age of 45 and secretly wish that people could be as friendly as cats. That’s something, right?

Apparently not. Because Robert Pattinson just can’t get a date. He told the Sydney Morning Herald:

“Girls scream out for Edward, not Robert – I still can’t get a date… To be honest, I still don’t really understand what’s going on. I was having lunch down the road. We were in this place for a couple of hours and suddenly there was like 400 people outside on the street. It was just so nuts and it’s like that all the time now.”

OK, well we’re widely known for our wisdom and tact when it comes to dealing with other people’s relationship problems, so let’s help Robert Pattinson out. We can see three main reasons why Robert Pattinson can’t get a date:

1 - He refers to himself in the third person and monopolises every date he goes on with endless self-pitying anecdotes about how hard it is to be famous,

2 - He stinks,

3 - He actually finds it quite easy to get dates, but New Moon is out next month and people who like New Moon are generally too thick to see the old ‘I just haven’t met the right girl yet’ line as the transparent marketing ploy that it very obviously is. Also, in real life, Robert Pattinson probably wouldn’t touch any Twilight fans with a shitty stick for exactly that reason.

Which of these reasons is true? The first or second one, hopefully. In which case we’ve still totally got a chance with him. SQUEEEEE!

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In the build up to the launch of vampire drama True Blood on Channel 4, hecklerspray’s Keith Emmerson caught up with the defiantly charming and ruggedly handsome Stephen Moyer (who plays Bill Compton) to discover the man behind the vampire.

We are also reassuringly told that he could kill Robert Pattinson if he had to. If you didn’t catch the first episode on Channel 4, it’s available on 4OD – watch it.

Video after the jump!

True Blood, Wednesdays, 10pm on Channel 4. For more information, please click here.

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So Kanye West grabbed all the MTV VMA headlines by acting like the world’s most unnaturally colossal turd.

But that’s not the real news. No, the real news is that MTV broadcast a New Moon trailer! Yes, we know that there have already been about a million New Moon trailers, but this one is different. It’s very slightly longer! And Robert Pattinson takes his top off in it! And therefore it’s more liable to make us want to deliberately binge ourselves into a pharmaceutically-assisted coma just to escape it!

Excited about the New Moon trailer? Then you’re an idiot. Also, it’s after the jump…

New Moon isn’t released for over two months. Let’s just reflect on that for a moment. We’ve already been bombarded with naked castmember photos and New Moon trailers and spurious-sounding stories about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart having it off, and there’s still nine weeks to go before the poxy thing is released.

So what imaginative marketing tactics can we expect from the New Moon producers that’ll ramp up hype levels even further before November 20? What? They’re just going to keep releasing slightly different trailers because they know that anyone who actually likes New Moon is either a child or a desperately lonely woman and they’re bound to greedily lap up whatever scraps they’re thrown regardless of how chronically intelligence-insulting they are? Oh, fair enough.

That was demonstrated during the MTV VMAs last night, when a new New Moon trailer was premiered. First let’s show you the New Moon trailer, and then let’s analyse it…

OK, you’ve seen it now. Stop hyperventilating. And stop wondering how two teenage girls managed to somehow procure a bright yellow Porsche to bomb around Italy in even though that in itself is even more ridiculous than all the vampire and werewolf crap put together. Because a document as seminal as the latest New Moon trailer needs to be dissected with a cool and critical eye. So let’s do that…

New Moon Trailer Scene 1:

In this scene we can clearly see Kristen Stewart heading for a motorcycle crash, put off by a weird, transparent, shopworn-looking scarecrow. At least we assume it’s a scarecrow – for a moment we thought it might have been a real person, but then we noticed its haircut. No real person would ever even consider having a haircut that objectively terrible.

New Moon Trailer Scene 2:

In this scene Kristen Stewart realises that she’ll never have Robert Pattinson as a boyfriend again, and will have to settle for that runty-looking werewolf chap instead. This emotion is not only expressed through the anguish in Kristen’s eyes, but also in the way that she makes a noise like 14 goats gang-raping a guinea pig as loudly as possible in an echo chamber.

New Moon Trailer Scene 3:

OMG! It’s the New Moon Wolf Pack! Oh God, they’re not wearing tops!! You can totally see their nipples!!!!! Eight werewolfy nipples!!! SQUEE!!!!!!

New Moon Trailer Scene 4:

OMG!!!!!!! It’s Robert Pattinson without a top on!! We can’t breathe!!! He’s so pasty and ill-looking and sexy!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

New Moon Trailer Scene 5:

O!!! M!!! G!!!!!! It’s TONY BLAIR!!!! Now We DEFINITELY can’t breathe!!!!!!! TONY!!! TONY!!!! WE WANT YOUR BABIES!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, oh God, we think we’re actually going to pass out with lust!!

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New Moon will be released soon – so soon, in fact, that we can almost smell the mixture of black nail polish and teenage urine from here.

But there’s trouble on the horizon. According to magazine reports this week, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have dramatically fallen in love and their relationship is threatening to pull the success of  New Moon apart. Wait, did we say ‘threatening to pull New Moon apart’? Because we meant ‘coming off like a cynical marketing stunt designed exclusively to make millions of useless teenage girls become even more unbearably excited about New Moon‘.

Our mistake.

The thing that girls like about Robert Pattinson is that he’s attainable. It has to be. Because it’s clearly not his haircut. Or his juddering lack of any charisma whatsoever. Or his personal hygiene. No, it has to be because he’s attainable. Girls think that they have a shot at Robert Pattinson because he looks like a mediocre, drawn-from-memory pencil sketch of a 1980s barbershop model. All they want to do is take him home, give him a shave, wash his hair and somehow try to mould his skull into something more recognisably human.

Our point is this – if Robert Pattinson ever went public with a girlfriend, his popularity would immediately plummet. And if he ever went public with a girlfriend who happened to star opposite him in the only films he’ll ever be remembered for, then we’d probably never hear from him again.

Which is a shame because, if reports are to be believed, Robert Pattinson is madly in love with Kristen Stewart.

And, yes, we know that this might not strictly be news – all the dinner dates and concert-based nuzzling that’s been going on between them lately has seen to that – but what is news is that the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might rip New Moon apart. Sorry, that wasn’t anywhere near sensational enough. Let’s try again: the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might RIP New Moon APART!!

That’s better. OK! reports:

A real-life romance between the two would subvert New Moon’s entire story line, and the studio brass want the Bella-Jacob spark to appear equally as plausible as the Bella-Edward relationship. “The producers took Rob and Kris aside and told them to keep their relationship under wraps for a few more months,” an insider tells OK!. “But they’re so much in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other.”

Yes, that sounds simply dreadful, doesn’t it? Imagine all the damage that would be done to the forthcoming New Moon if it was carelessly revealed in the run-up to its release that the film’s primary leads were engaged in some sort of romantic activity. Look how something similar wrecked the highly popular Mr & Mrs Smith and every film that Jennifer Aniston has made since people started liking her again. What a nightmare.

Really, what’s the point in hiding it if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really are together? After all, Twilight fans are emotionally mature enough to cope with something like that, aren’t they? Aren’t they, E! Online?

As [Robert and Kristen] left a show together [on Monday night], some drunken girl supposedly called our girl K.Stew “a bitch”—resulting in a Twi-fan-on-Twi-fan throwdown.

Oh. Oh, well good luck with that, then.

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