Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.

Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.

Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.

Anyone who is sitting there doubting the girls’ credentials as the biggest royalists of the last 20 years need only cast their minds back to Ginger Spice’s Union Jack dress which showcased not only her strong feelings for the royal family but also her love of crotchless underwear.

Not to mention the fact that Mel B had sex with Prince Andrew. Not to mention it- of course- because it never happened. However, Mel B did manage to let the cat out of the bag about their plans for the Jubilee. The Jenny Craig spokeswoman and Eddie Murphy career ender told the press:

“Well, we do have the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee coming up. Did I really say that?”

Yes, you did. You know you did, you publicity hungry person, you.

Still, this prompted a flurry of excitable activity in the tabloids who began circling around Spice Girls like sharks or Simon Fuller. Ex-Ginger Geri told the Sunday Mirror’s phone hacking department:

“We did get the offer and it is exciting. Obviously we are a band and it’s a collective decision that has to be made as a band. We need to all be in the same place with it and we have to take into account all of our lives. We wouldn’t do it without all five of us. I do feel it’s an incredible honour and privilege. Performing at Buckingham Palace for the Queen – it doesn’t get bigger than that.”

So far, the plans for the Jubilee have not been revealed but it thought that the Queen is looking forward to five former pop stars strutting around, shoving their pelvises in her face. It’ll be like the time she met the Rolling Stones and had it off with Mick Jagger.

Pedestrian noodle-rockers, Pink Floyd, are going to stop bickering pointlessly with each other just long enough to play some music together because, clearly, someone in the ranks is feeling the pinch of a giant mortgage payment.

That, or they’re just too needy for huge amounts of cloying sycophancy which will inevitably greet each week-long guitar solo and muted fart they do.

So what’s the craic then?

Well, the surviving members of the band (aka, those that didn’t get literally bored to death by the Pink Floyd back catalogue) are looking likely to get together again for the London 2012 Olympics in some way.

Of course, they last did something like this when they were upstaged by Snoop Dogg at Live 8 in 2005.

An insider told the Daily Express newspaper:

“Its long been made clear it would take something very special to get Pink Floyd back together again and it doesn’t get any bigger than the Olympics.”

“Like Sir Paul [McCartney, who is tipped to open the event], they have been a major part of the nation’s culture over the past 40 years and it will be very fitting that they’re involved when London is on show to the world. It’s hoped everything can be confirmed in the coming weeks.”

Of course, not one bit of this story matters because, as we all know, whether Pink Floyd got back together or not, they can do absolutely no wrong in the eyes of their awful, awful fans.

Besides, those awful, awful fans will already know all about this because they’ve done nothing but read Pink Floyd forums for their ENTIRE, DREARY LIVES.

Either way, nice to know that these Olympics will showcase how great England is by not getting a new band to play in favour of a bunch of old men who can’t stand each other.

S Club 7 were good weren’t they?  They all danced around in a line, singing about reaching for stars, wearing white and making everyone with ears wish they’d be born deaf.  Still, idiots everywhere bought their music until 2003 when they broke up under a cloud of sheer indifference.

Since then, the only member you’re likely to remember is Jo..erm.. thingy who went on Big Brother and participated in some racist bullying alongside Jade Goody or maybe you remember Rachel Stevens because she was the good looking one and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

So, when they saw the recent comeback success of similar white wearing band Steps, they all got together and decided they’d quite like to cash in on this, regardless of whether you like it or not.

A source said:

“S Club have seen what’s happened to Steps and want a piece of it.”

And as if that wasn’t bad enough;

‘They’re hoping to make a TV show following their reunion, a tour and the release of an updated Greatest Hits album – just like Steps.”

No. Oh JESUS CHRIST NO!!

The band’s spokesman refused to comment on this, making us hope it’s just a cruel, cruel rumour that someone with a grudge against the human race has decided to unleash but given that three of the band members are touring around clubs and universities as S Club 3, which is enough to make any former popstar wish for better days, we fear it may be true.

Despite the fact that Don’t Stop Movin’ was a decent pop tune, we’d rather superglue our eyelids open and sit through 17 hours of TOWIE than have any part of this.

Here, watch this and remember them as they were and not the elderly, arthritic, alcohol soaked monsters they are now.

2011 is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit but don’t let this complete non-sequitur put you off. Musically, this year has seen an alarming trend of bands reforming for reunion gigs. Or putting things into perspective; one final payday so they don’t have to remortgage the houses and get day jobs in motorway service stations. Where they may, or may not, sell cuddly rabbits.

There has been no shortage of bands announcing their triumphant return to the musical arena. Only yesterday, brotherly duo Orbital released a list of UK dates, though to their credit they are releasing a new album, but hopes aren’t high after hearing new single “Never.” It’s free for reason.

One band however decided to buck the trend of 2011 and called it a day. Poor REM, after appearing on Sesame Street nobody took them seriously. It was almost like people bought their records because Kermit the Frog threatened to butcher Miss Piggy’s insides following their appearance [That's not the right show - Ed.]. Nobody was bothered by the news, but it’s emerged that the split has been on the cards. Just ask Thom Yorke.

Some people doubt the ability of Thom Yorke to see into the future, given his slightly wonky vision. Perhaps he’s finally developed a superpower after years of it remaining dormant and passed the time making frustrating records with Radiohead. That could all change now thanks to Yorke correctly foretelling the demise of one of the saddest and ill looking bands in the world, REM. Could Thom Yorke now give up Radiohead and become a fulltime mystic?

Possessing only the power of the mind, we guess Thom Yorke is the only one who knows the answer, but what’s to stop us from guessing?

Fortune Telling:

“Follow me around” could be the cry from Yorke as he wanders through the empty suburbs, looking for individuals to part with their possessions in return for sagely advice. Or, it’ll all go belly up when the villagers realise they’ve been scammed and they chase him with pitchforks, eschewing chants of “burn the wonky witch!”

Ghost Hunting:

Radiohead supposedly want to give up the ghost according to a track on their last album. Could Thom Yorke use his magic powers to communicate with dead people such as Colonel Sanders and ask what his secret recipe is? Could we see him ask Michael Jackson if, when all’s said and done, he really did ruin Macaulay Culkin’s career? Or will he turn his powers to evil?

Selling Lucky Heather:

Since Kid A, Radiohead have made a fortune from special edition album covers that come attached with a band members toenail clipping and eyelashes. With this art well covered, it could be very easy for Yorke to carve squirrels from blocks of wood, telling non-believers that the object will grant them all sorts of mystical powers. Or it’ll turn them into a paranoid android. Paranoid… andr… oh, forget it.

Whilst we’d love to believe that Thom Yorke butchered puppies and kittens to make a magic potion that allowed him clairvoyancy, it was actually something much more boring. During an interview, Yorke said that Michael Stipe of REM:

“Sent him a text message warning him of the band’s impending split.”

Before adding:

“I think it was kind of going one way for a while. I just wanted to check that Michael was alright.”

Well we can’t knock Thom Yorke for caring about Michael Stipe can we? That’s what friends are for. After all, they’ve known each other for years since touring on the live scene together. So it seems vaguely logical that the two would share chunks of gossip. OR DID HE SEE IT ALL IN HIS CRYSTAL BALL?!

No, probably not.

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The big news amongst balding 40 year-olds is that the Stone Roses are going to reform. There’s a press conference imminent and everyone has got their hopes up again… just like they get their hopes up everytime someone mutters the word ‘reunion’.

Of course, around Manchester and its satellite towns, you have to silently mouth the words ‘Stone Roses Reunion’ in the same way dog-owners have to avoid saying ‘walkies’ to a dog. The excitement in both camps is equally giddy and urinatory.

And handily for the Stone Roses, save a bit of IRA sponsored building regeneration, Manchester hasn’t changed much since they split. For ON THE EIGHT DAY, GOD CREATED MANCHESTER NOSTALGIA!

And so, at 3pm, The Stone Roses are going to make a “very important announcement” at their London press conference. The most muttered rumour is that the most famous line-up of Ian Brown, John Squire, Mani and Reniwill reform for two gigs next year. Probably in Manchester.

Of course, this all comes on the back of ‘it ain’t ever gonna happen’ chat from most of the band members (not including those that made up the Roses circa ’96 when there was only Mani and Brown left clinging onto a sinking ship filled with Simply Red session guitarists and bottles hurled at their feet to a symphony of booing), but you get the notion that some of them could do with a hand with the mortgage these days.

John Squire hasn’t exactly been setting the art world alight now has he?

When Brown et al decided to call it a day, they signed off with:

“Having spent the last 10 years in the filthiest business in the universe, it’s a pleasure to announce the end of the Stone Roses.”

So are the Stone Roses going to make a comeback in the filthiest business in the universe? There’s only one thing they could do, other than the inevitable comeback tour, which would be of note.

All four band members should murder each other in cold blood before the assembled press to finally put an end to any reunion talk.

It’s the only way Manchester will move on from being shackled to indie nights that see pot-bellied DJs sticking the full length version of Fools Gold on while they nip off for a smoke/fag break while shell-toed divorcees relive the years they invariably ignored first time ’round.

*UPDATED*

There you have it. Stone Roses have reformed. There’ll be new material according to Ian Brown and they’re all chums again. Now all we need is the press to write headlines saying “What The World Is Waiting For”, “They Are The Resurrection”, “The Third Coming” and more.

Two shows at Manchester’s Heaton Park on June 29th and 30th, followed by a world tour.

Now piss off.

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Back in the late 90s, you couldn’t move for Steps. The sexually androgynous fivesome were on every TV show going, polluting people’s eyes with their garish costumes and annoyingly catchy dance moves.

Although they were generally held accountable for the music charts breakdown, and the antithesis of how well music was doing after that dreadful New Romantic nonsense in the 80s, they were great.

People with sense (read: liked Nirvana and “proper music”, as well as people who use air quotes) hated them because they were uncomplicated bubblegum pop, and spawned a whole legion of imitators that wanted to get children begging their parents for whatever corporate product they were shilling that month. Can anyone remember A*Teens and the allegedly IRA-sponsored B*witched? If you were in a band, you needed to have an asterisk in your name. It became de rigeur to not spell things the correct way. Maybe they couldn’t credit fans with the correct spelling.

Maybe they were all just outrageously dyslexic.

Well Steps were the forefathers of all these pretenders, and pretty much ruled over mainsteam media until their abrupt split on Boxing Day 2001, just days after they released their greatest hits album. A more cynical person might say that this was just a ploy to get one last album out before they split. And that cynical person would probably be right, and probably should get a pat on the back.

The reasons behind why they did split was always a closely guarded secret, like the Holy Grail, or Cher’s real face, but ten years after their split, and presumably as their bank balances have been dwindling close to part time McDonald’s employee status, the fivesome have joined forces again, in association with Sky Living.

Steps Reunion is the product of that reunion, and was a blooming good attempt at making the viewer feel sorry for the five people who, ten years ago, wanted people to rip their eyes and make eye soup, just so they had something hot to throw in H’s face.

It turns out that the reasons behind the split are a beautiful mixture of nepotism and egocentrism, mainly on the part of Ian ‘H for Hyperactive’ Watkins and Claire ‘Look look, I’m thin, no I’m fat, no I’m thin’ Richards. Watkins was boffing the manager and started to get a bigger part (no pun intended, you filthy monsters) and that annoyed other members of the group, and Claire had basically had enough and wasn’t getting enough eclairs. So she thought ‘I know what I’ll do! I’ll take my dangly tonsils elsewhere and see who else will pay me millions for singing some Bananarama and Bee Gees songs.’

Obviously we’re paraphrasing. We’re not allowed into the inner sanctum of Steps, and probably never will be. But Steps Reunion makes us want to try that little bit harder.

“Dramatic” footage, made more poignant by playing that Adele song everyone loves, illustrated times when the band were coming to the end of their collective career, and as the five started their journey back together for one last time, we were treated to lots of back seat chauffeured speculation about how they were feeling about getting back together. They were all very nervous. Luckily. Imagine how the tension would have been broken if Lisa Scott-Lee was more concerned with remembering her Oyster card.

Steps Reunion is finally answering the questions that no one was asking, and we can’t wait for part two. Where H and Claire sit down with the other three and explain why they broke up the band. We’re guessing that H won’t be that bothered.

Strangely enough, there’s a new Steps Greatest Hits album out to coincide with this series, but who are we to throw cynical aspersions on this? We can probably leave you to make your own mind up. *cough* corporate ploy *cough*

This article was written, blindfolded, by the debauched nincompoop Robin Darke who you can find out more on via this stream of twaddle.

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Remember the halcyon days when Westlife were a five-piece. They all looked so perfect in photographs with their highlighted curtains and work-sweaters from River Island. They really were the most refreshing thing to get off a stool in pop since GG Allin.

Then, the band went all off-balance when, unfathomably, Brian McFadden decided to go ‘indie’, which actually meant growing a bit of a beard, wearing a parka and… well… still peddling turgid, plodding pop music. Westlife, of course, continued doing exactly the same as before (which actually means, ‘doing as they were told’) and set about becoming the most earnest entertainers in the history of mankind.

BUT WAIT! Is McFadden going to rejoin Westlife? Have they seen Robbie’s reunion with Take That and thought ‘Hey! That’s a really clever, cynical marketing ploy to shift a few more tickets and albums! Provided Brian doesn’t do that rape song…’?

When a boyband runs out of ideas, it is a good idea to trade on the vague drama they’ve had in their career.

This usually manifests itself in a song about how much they’ve grown up, complete with a black and white montage video of all the members, complete with slightly embarrassing footage of them starting out and slo-mo screaming fans in a stadium somewhere (usually South America to show just how popular they are worldwide).

Sadly, most boybands are completely soap-opera free. In Take That’s case, they are an actual band, so the slightly pretentious documentaries, scandals and reunions are as close to the real deal as supposedly more credible rock bands. In the case of Westlife, they’ve simply forged a career through tenacity. They simply refuse to go away. The closest thing to controversy is when doe-eye in chief, Shane Filan, responded to a potential McFadden reunion last year, when he said:

“I don’t think it’s even remotely interesting if Brian came back”

That’s almost an opinion! That’s definitely the closest thing Westlife have ever gotten to trouble. Naturally, that thinking has been swept under the rug now. The crease has been ironed out. There’s no need for Westlife to be even remotely interesting. Shane now says:

“I look up to bands like Take That who are the best out there and it was good to see them put the past behind them and move on by having Robbie back.”

“I’d never rule out Brian coming back because there never was a bad patch with him. Brian was great with fans. I definitely think some day it would be great fun to sing with Brian again.”

See? How staggeringly uninteresting is that? We hoped for ‘we’d reluctantly take him back… he was a prize weapon just before he left and he’s got some serious apologising to do… mainly for that gaspingly peculiar chin he’s got.’ But no. Everything is lovely and beige in the Westlife garden. How bloody wonderful.

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The Darkness, they were an odd band weren’t they? Operating around the period of 2003/2004, it was a time when indie music was at a low with bands getting signed more on their fashion sense than musical ability. If you could pull off the skinny jeans and hat look, then you were on to a winner. And hailed from somewhere “trendy” like Camden.

Instead of targeting the traditional market of angst ridden teenagers, The Darkness decided that they’d bring back the seventies in to everybody’s lives. Did we want that? Not particularly. Hair metal and over the top antics weren’t that exciting.

A few people took interest in the band with the majority of the fanbase being elderly people having a mid life crisis and reverting back to their youth. The band split in 2006 and five years later, they’ve returned with threats of a new album and touring.

Don’t worry, The Darkness aren’t going to be turning up to your local venue anytime soon. Instead, they have booked up to play the UK’s most dire festival, Download. Filled with people wearing dark denim with security chains so they don’t lose their wallet and mobile phone, this look is topped off with leather jackets with sewn on patches by their mums featuring happy band logos like “Mega Corpse Punch”, “Satanic Ball Blender” and our favourite from group from Norway, “Black Pig Pudding Revenge.”

The festival has a habit of repeating the same crusty acts year after year, forcing new hopefuls to rot in tents miles away where real the action is. Anyone sill booking AC/DC or Iron Maiden must have forgotten that the majority of audience are fifty year old bikers who still live at home and have seen their heroes a billion times.

Therefore, The Darkness will go down a treat as scores of people can embrace the sound of weak metal as a man sings like he’s got string wrapped round his testicles while a roadie pulls hard.

Various members of The Darkness have been in other musical projects including the badly named Hot Leg and The Stone Gods. Reading between the lines, we take it that all of the money has dried up after their surge in popularity when they won a couple of Brit awards.

Lead goon from the band Justin Hawkins said:

“The main thing for us is to make sure that musically we turn the experience into something positive again. We’ve been remembering why it was so much fun in the first place, just four men making loud music in a room.”

Grr, how manly does that sound? Just a group of buddies hanging out, strumming some chords and rocking out without a care in the world. Of course when the various members did this in their other groups, it didn’t feel right. Kind of like drinking non alcoholic beer. The intent is there, but the end result is rubbish. Therefore a pointless reunion to generate a quick amount of money seems the most logical option to us.

We’re going to go grow our hair and mould it in to a perm so we can rock out with rocks biggest novelty, The Darkness. Peace out.

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There’s been a lot of Sugababes hasn’t there? One day, there’ll be so many ex-members of the group that they’ll fill a retirement home and all fight with each other in an attempt to stake a claim as Best Sugababe. Then they’ll have a geriatric revue for all the carers (who will probably poison them all with liquid cosh because they’re the offspring of The Saturdays).

When the last original member, Keisha Buchanan, left the group, everyone hoped that she’d get back together with The Other Original Two and have a group called The Sugerbabes or something, just to confuse us all.

Well, for the millionth time, it could be happening.

Keisha is weighing up her options again (the solo LP must be nearly ready for release) and considering reuniting with original Sugababes lineup.

Apparently, she’s been “hanging out” with Mutya Buena and Siobhan Donaghy and is considering working with them all again.

Talking to The Mirror, she said:

“I’ve recorded over 30 tracks for an album. Mut will probably feature in there and I’ve been hanging out with Siobhan too. Whether we all work together I’m not sure. But we’re very much friends and looking at what we could do.

“I never thought I’d be in this situation with the original girls. But it feels very easy and very natural for me.”

Seeing as we’re sneering cultural leeches here at the ‘spray, we can only hope that this actually happens and this new-old version of Sugababes transpires because, as well you know, there’ll be great slanging matches in the press and great rumours about One Member Of The Group psychologically bullying absolutely everyone within her radar.

MAKE IT HAPPEN PLEASE THANKS.

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When Robbie Williams left Take That, the news was so seismic that a rubbish punk band called The Pin Ups wrote a song about it called ‘Robbie Left Take That’. It wasn’t long before Take That called it a day and This Morning had an all-morning grieve-in for people who didn’t realise that the band’s departure didn’t mean their CDs would self-destruct.

And then, after Gary Barlow and Mark Owen’s solo careers fizzled out, Robbie began to conquer the world… except for America which broke him in two, leaving him bloated and dead-eyed.

This all lead to a very successful Take That reunion and then eventual offering of an olive branch to Robbie Williams, currently of no fixed talent.

After Robbie sang some Take That songs at The Brits, it was obvious they would reunite and this year, being the 20th anniversary of the band as a fivesome, Robbie’s on-board once again and going on the road with his old chums and sparring partners.

However, it nearly wasn’t to be thanks to Robbie Williams having toothache.

Williams told breakfast show DJ Chris Moyles:

“I was very nervous because there were four of them. I came so close to not going because I had toothache that night and I’d just taken a painkiller. I was quite large as well, and I thought I can’t go mumbling, looking like Elvis.

“I’d said some nasty things about Gaz. What do I do if I go in, is he harbouring anything? So the missus pushed me through the door.”

Then, in what appears to be a rare moment of candid truthery, Williams added:

“I spent the last 15 years thinking what I was going to say. We had that big chat and the most amazing thing happened at the end of it, we both said sorry to each other and we both meant it.

“That’s all we needed. It just lifted so much off my shoulders that I didn’t know was still there.”

“It was the start of a very magical 18 months that we’ve had since then, writing songs together, getting to know each other.

“It’s nice being able to be grown-ups and hear each other and say sorry because not many people can do that.”

Gary Barlow responded:

“All these things had been built up for so long, they just sounded stupid as they were coming out. We just needed to sit opposite each other and talk.

“I think we had a lot of guilt, the four of us, because Rob was the youngest, the most impressionable of all of us. We always felt like we didn’t look after him enough. If there was one big thing we sat and regretted it was always that.”

Robbie and Gary confirmed that Take That had recorded an album together (untitled at the minute) which will be released in November. And there’s talk of a tour.

Barlow said:

“We’re talking about a tour right now – hopefully next summer we will tour.

Williams added:

“There’s some stuff on the cards but there’s only so much we can talk about now. There’s big plans in the works, but when, where and what we’re not allowed to say. Plus we don’t really know.”

We, as leeches in the media, can only hope that this whole thing is a disaster filled with bitterness, ill-feeling and fist-fights. For the record, we reckon that Jason Orange is secretly the hardest in Take That as he can combine his dancing skills with martial arts to kick people’s heads clean off their bodies.

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Remember Friends? Every inhabitant of Earth gathered in Times Square to watch the last episode and openly wept when one of them did that thing that meant a lot to their character or whatever it was. Then Joey probably did a bad impression of the Fonz and they all laughed their shoulders up and down like the closing moments of a M.A.S.K. cartoon.

Then, all the careers of the Friends crew almost evaporated overnight. Anyone seen Matthew Perry recently? That woman who played Phoebe? Anyone? Is she selling contraband rolling tobacco out of the back of a Nissan Micra?

Now we’ve got Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. They’ve fared a little better over the years but haven’t ever hit the heights of when they were regularly on TV. Aniston is the only one who stayed in the public eye, mainly thanks to being referred to as That Woman Who Keeps Stabbing Photos Of Angelina Jolie.

In a bid to remind themselves of the glory years, Aniston and Friends co-star Courtney Cox Arquette plan to work together Cox Arquette’s show Cougar Town.

Aniston will play a therapist named Bonnie who Courtney’s character will visit for treatment.

Explaining the character, Cougar Town executive producer Bill Lawrence said:

“She’s kind of a get-too-involved-in-her-life-type of therapist. Those guys are so close in real life they kind of do that for each other anyway. Bonnie has the life Jules wishes she has.”

There have also been rumours that Aniston would also show her face in a Scream sequel with Courtney Cox Her Name Is Too Long To Continually Type Out. The film is called Dimension and the rumour is, apparently, a crock.

Lawrence added

“We’re very intentionally implying that it’s a therapist Courteney’s character has been using for a while, and we’re certainly not going to make it like they’ll never see each other again. So I’m crossing my fingers that if she has a good time it’ll happen again.”

So anyone hoping that Aniston and Cox’s short-lived lez-off in ‘Dirt’ would be furthered in the name of a nostalgia wank… sorry, this is a shirts-on reunion.

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The Faces haven’t been around for thirty-odd years, thanks mainly to Rod Stewart’s successful (and dodgy) solo career and the death of Ronnie Lane. That’s not stopped them reforming though and, worse still, playing like they really wanted to get the memory of one of Britain’s finest bands and really piss all over it.

For some inexplicable reason, the band almost returned. ‘Almost’ because they joined forces again without the still very much alive Rod Stewart who was replaced by… and this is incredibly difficult to type… Simply Red’s Mick Hucknall instead.

You can only hope that he got the gig because he shares a luck with women that belies his face, just like Rod the Mod.

And so, a rabble rousing back catalogue is played out to weeping fans of the band, complete with Cod Stewart up-front, along with a bunch of guests that are, on occasion, just as mystifying as Hucknall.

The Faces also counted on the dubious talents of Sex Pistol Glen Matlock, Rick bloody Wakeman and Bill ‘Grooming Her For Marriage’ Wyman.

The setlist for these new shows, which is being flogged to death looks great… if you can imagine a good singer tackling it. You got Miss Judy’s Farm, Ooh La La, I Wish It Would Rain, Maybe I’m Amazed, Flying, Cindy Incidentally, I’d Rather Go Blind, Pool Hall Richard, Stay With Me and more.

All sung by Mick Hucknall. Seriously. This is not a bad joke. There’s video evidence right here. As such, the Hecklerspray staff are all being frogmarched into a cleansing unit to have their insides scrubbed by wire-wool.

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ABBA hate each other don’t they? They all swapped fluids and such and ended up seething eyeball to eyeball, bowing out of the spotlight in the lamest way possible – limping out with a live performance on The Late, Late Breakfast Show.

Björn Ulvaeus said that the group would never appear on stage again because “there is simply no motivation to re-group. Money is not a factor and we would like people to remember us as we were. Young, exuberant, full of energy and ambition. I remember Robert Plant saying Led Zeppelin were a cover band now because they cover all their own stuff. I think that hit the nail on the head.”

They’ve previously turned down an envelope with £600 million in it to tour and… well… Benny Andersson and Ulvaeus have now started musing on it all again, presumable to attract interest in a new project or ABBA box-set or something.

In an interview with The Times, the pair were asked if they would consider a one-off performance, perhaps with an orchestra, that could be beamed around the world.

In short, Andersson replied:

“Yeah, why not?”

He continued:

“I don’t know if the girls sing anything any more. I know Frida was in the studio. It’s not a bad idea, actually.”

So where is all this coming from then? Lyngstad married a German nobleman, so she doesn’t need the cash. Fältskog has had a reasonable solo career since ABBA and is a bit mental by all accounts.

Nope. We can’t think of a single cynical reason why this would be rumoured. Not even the next sentence gives a clue.

Andersson and Ulvaeus are promoting their new musical Kristina which opens at London’s Royal Albert Hall on April 14.

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If you’re a fan of awkward sexually-charged small-talk, you could do a lot worse than getting to Madonna’s concert in Los Angeles tonight.

Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history – don’t forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears’ mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears.

If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one – if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn’t just stop at Justin Timberlake – she’d hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we’re talking.

What do Madonna, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have in common? Quite a lot, actually – they’re all successful popstars, for one. And they’re all keen on a spot of religious outrage – Madonna has pretended to be Jesus in the past, Britney Spears once seduced a priest on an album cover and Justin Timberlake is perhaps best known for his hit single I Did A Shit In A Bible.

Also, they’ve got a bit of a tricky history, sexually. Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears were a couple for a number of years, Madonna and Britney Spears kissed with tongues at an awards show and Justin Timberlake managed to keep his dinner down while watching Madonna grind about in a manky pair of knickers on the set of the Four Minutes video – the nearest a boy like him can be expected to get to having sex with gristley old Madonna these days.

And because of that, if Madonna, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears ever got together, we’d expect the result to be completely unpleasant for all involved. Let’s just hope that never happens.

Actually, scrap that. It is happening. According to reports, Madonna has engineered a three-way reunion between her, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake at her concert at Dodger’s Stadium tonight. OK! reports:

On Wednesday afternoon, Ryan Seacrest called in to local radio station KIIS FM, and broke the news that both Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears will take the stage together with Madonna tomorrow night when she performs at Dodger Stadium as. “I couldn’t wait to tell you this,” Seacrest said. “If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her [Madonna]… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that before.”

Sounds good in principle, but we’re really just worried that the stress of the reunion will just bring out the worst in each performer. You know, Britney Spears could have a psychotic bald-headed relapse, Madonna could regress to her Body of Evidence days and – worst of all – Justin Timberlake could start thinking that he’s funnier than he actually is again. Gratuitous middle-aged nudity and harrowing mental trauma we can stand, but not an impromptu Timberlake stand-up set.

Also, let’s hope the promise of Madonna reuniting with both Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake is enough to get people to buy up the remaining tickets for tonight’s concert, otherwise Madonna will have to pull out another big reunion with someone from her past to make it even more exciting. And we’ve got a funny feeling that’d be Sandra Bernhard. Gree.

Are you a fan of tedious, formless, mostly improvised songs that go on for three hours longer than the point of normal human endurance?

You are? Well have we got some good news for you! Phish – the defunct jam-band predominantly famous for a) having some ice cream named after it and b) totally soundtracking that epic hacky sack marathon you and your buddies had in your parent’s backyard one afternoon back when you were 28 – are reuniting.

Phish have announced three special comeback dates in Virginia for next March, their first since disbanding in 2004. We’ll definitely be attending the Phish reunion shows – it’s been too long since we last caught beard nits off a hippy after stumbling into the middle of a drearily self-satisfied drum circle in the carpark of an old WWF arena.

Rolling Stone once called Phish ‘one of the most important bands of the Nineties’ – recognition that puts them right up there with Kula Shaker, Sugar Ray and the band that did the theme tune to Friends.

But it’s easy to see why Phish received a title like that – more than most bands, Phish flourished because of the community behind them. Their meandering, overlong, improvised jazz fusion jam workouts were simply a soundtrack to huge open-air festivals where friends could meet, play frisbee, get ripped to the tits on stolen cough medicine and twirl around like cocks in a spirit of universal brotherhood.

So it was a bittersweet day when Phish announced that they were splitting up in 2004. True, it meant that you’d never get to see a group of millionaires in their forties play 20 songs in a row that all seem to sound exactly like the one that directly preceded it in a disused airbase any more, but at least the spirit of Phish would live on in that delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavour and the crappy rave scene from The Matrix Reloaded.

Until now. Because now, you see, Phish are back. According to The LA Times:

The Vermont-based jam band, will reunite for shows March 6-8 in Hampton, Va., and is expected to announce additional performances for 2009. Rumors of a reunion have been heating up since… three of the four Phish members played together in July at the Rothbury Festival in Michigan. All four showed up last month and played at the wedding of their road manager Brad Sands.

Phish played at a wedding? We’re not sure how we feel about that. On one hand it’d probably be quite fun to see all your elderly relatives get so overwhelmed by the band’s elaborate jazz-rock grooves that they end up buying a bunch of laughing gas balloons from a hippy in the corner. But on the other hand The Squirming Coil isn’t exactly Agadoo, is it?

But still, we’re genuinely pleased that Phish are getting back together – and more pleased that their first shows aren’t until March. Because that’ll give you plenty of time to ditch your job at the law firm and dedicate your life to getting your beard long enough to put elastic bands in again. It’ll be fun.