Have you heard about the live action version of Akira that’s going to hit the cinema screens? Isn’t that the most wonderful news you’ve ever heard? It’s not like the original was perfect or anything stupid like that.

There’s even better news! Supreme dullard Kristen Stewart has been offered a role in the Akira adaptation too! Ain’t that grand?

Yes. We live in a world where someone who has played a major part in the Twilight movies and they still get job offers, despite the fact they are so crashingly tedious that air stagnates around their head every time they slowly bat a dry eyelid. However, all is not lost. We have just the role for Kristen, should she land the Akira gig.

The Breaking Dawn actress is in line to play the part of Kei in Jaume Collet-Sera’s remake of the Manga classic, which is insultingly obvious. However, it isn’t a done deal yet and there’s still time for the producers to listen to us who really know what we’re talking about, regarding absolutely everything.

Before we get onto that, Helena Bonham Carter and Gary Oldman have also been offered roles as Lady Miyako and The Colonel, okay? Right.

And before we get to Kristen’s perfect role, there’s THE BRILLIANT news that the original setting of ‘Neo-Tokyo’ will changed to ‘New Manhattan’ for the remake.

That’s great isn’t it? Really kicking barrow-loads of joy into your day. Even stupid, beige-a-tron Keira Knightley has been linked to the film. You’ve seen the gripingly dreadful Domino? No? Go watch it immediately and then start a vendetta.

Anyway, because Kristen Stewart emotes like a mop-bucket which has had a stroke, there’s only one thing she’s going to be able to do convincingly.

And that is to be pumped up and mutated to the point where you’ll delight yourself with your ability to produce pre-sick water. THAT’S RIGHT! She should totally play the role of the transformed Tetsuo!

Christ. She could even make the following scene dull, couldn’t she?

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Many saw the funny side of Patrick Swayze’s death because he played a ghost in a film. Those same people probably didn’t care much for Dirty Dancing, so thought they’d troll everyone who looked upset.

Much like those hooting at those wailing over pictures of Colonel Gaddafi at the moment. Basically, death brings out the comedian in everyone. LONG LIVE GALLOWS HUMOUR!

With that, have you seen Lisa Niemi? She’s Swayze’s widow. Grief can do weird things to a person and she’s been photographed doing something rather unsettling with a Patrick Swayze dummy.

Niemi unveiled Swayze’s creepy wax statue at Madame Tussauds in Hollywood and stroked his face like he was still alive.

Brrr.

In fairness, Niemi will still miss Swayze. They were married for 34 years and no amount of watching the sex scene from Roadhouse is ever going to bring him back.

She said:

“It became clear to me that someone had put a lot of love into this, for a man I loved so very much”

“He had this kind of mischievous, but confident look … and things like his core (were) very, very strong and they worked on his arms more, so it’s very detailed. There’s a lot of work that goes into this.”

Alright! Get a room!

Hey! That makes us wonder: Did Tussauds build a lifelike appendage on the wax dummy and let his widow have one last night with her husband?

God we hope so.

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Have you seen Scarface? No. Then why on Earth are you reading this? Are you that bored? If you have, and love it, there’s some news on the horizon that’s going to thrill the cocaine out of your cartel!

Apparently, there’s going to be a new version of the movie! How great is that? The old one was pretty lousy in fairness and Al Pacino can’t act for toffee.

The producers of this newbie are saying that this production isn’t intended to be a remake or sequel of the 1983 film… but they’re lying because, when it comes to promoting it, that’s exactly what it’ll be and, you know damn well that’s how it was successfully pitched to balding ponytailed execs in linen suits.

This new film will be produced by the last Scarface producer Martin Bregman, with chairman of Universal Pictures Marc Shmuger.

That’s interesting isn’t it?

Of course, Pacino will have nothing to do with this new Scarface because he’s breaking from tradition and doing something massively different to what he usually does.

He’s making a gangster drama called Gotti: In The Shadow Of My Father which will star John Travolta and Lindsay Lohan. Sounds serious, eh?

So who could play the Scarface of the new redux?

In our opinion, there is only one man with the tough acting chops to pull off such an iconic role… a guy so mean that Scarface transcends Pacino’s portrayal and is etched onto the public psyche, forever.

Step forward…

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Remember us telling you the mindcrushing news that Dirty Dancing was about to be remade? Well, Glee’s Lea Michele is strongly rumoured to be lined up for the part of ‘Baby’, as made famous by Jennifer Grey.

She’s a pretty obvious choice when you think about it, what with her being incredibly wholesome, and thereby, able to portray the saccharine blossoming of sexuality with some berk with a haircut.

Of course, Michele is about to leave Glee because half the cast will have to graduate (don’t write off a Fame-esque spin-off yet though) so she’ll have the time to play the awfully named Frances ‘Baby’ Houseman. But who will play Patrick Swayze’s character, Johnny Castle?

Well, Derek Hough – you may remember him as being Cheryl Cole’s rock/lover/potentially gay chum – has been put forward to lift Michele out of some water.

However, Michele does have some stiff competition from limp quarters. Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez are also being linked with the gig. We sincerely hope that it isn’t the latter because you just know her child groom, Justin Bieber, will be in with a shout of lead after he cluttered up the set of CSI Somethingorother.

The movie is set to thrill sexless men and women sometime in 2013, and of course, there’ll be a heap of casting rumours floating around ’til an official announcement is made.

Somewhere in LA, a casting couch is going to be very busy and need repeated dry-cleaning sessions before long.

Blecch.

Dirty bit.

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They, had, the time of their lives and they owed it all to lonely women, rapt with their nine bars of Galaxy. That’s right. We’re talking about Dirty Dancing which starred Baby Houseman and Johnny Castle as a pair of dancing things.

The original film was endured by the world over 20 years ago, prompting morons to reenact the lifting scene at their awful, awful weddings.

And now it’s coming back in a remake which will no doubt irritate everyone who think that there’s nothing wrong with the one that already exists, provoking them to say “You can’t replace the Swayze!” Hopefully, this redux will have robots in it.

The studio making the film (who cares what they’re called?) say:

“Paying tribute to the emotional excitement of first love, the thrills and complexity of sexual awakening, the soul stirring power of dance, and the classic tale of teenage Baby’s forbidden romance with Johnny Castle, the remake will incorporate classic songs from the 1960s, hits from the original film and brand new compositions!”

So it’s exactly the same as the old one, only with some new songs?

Wait! There’s more! The film’s original choreographer, Kenny Ortega, will direct the remake, to make it more exactly the same as the original.

Ortega has good form too. He directed Michael Jackson’s tour film “This Is It.” There’s probably a joke about ‘Ghost’ in there, what with Swayze and Jackson being really dead.

Ortega says in a statement to the film police:

“Patrick Swayze set the bar for men dancing in the movies as Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire did before him. I believe everywhere you look there is evidence that the talent is out there and I can’t wait to begin the process of discovering the next breakout triple-threats”

Dirty bit.

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Family Guy may well be one of the most dismal programmes ever aired on a television anywhere on Earth, but that didn’t stop Seth MacFarlane scraping the barrel even further with the miserable American Dad and further still with the joy-vacuum of The Cleveland Show.

Quite an impressive feat you might think. How on Earth is it possible to make something more grating and unfunny as Family Guy?

Well, unbelievably, he’s going to top all of that when he takes over, revamps and utterly sullies one of the greatest animated series in television – The Flintstones. And you thought that the live action flick with John Goodman was bad!

Yes indeed, MacFarlane will apparently be giving a 21st century spin to the already perfect ’60s comedy series, invariably turning Fred Flintstone, Wilma, Barney and Betty Rubble, into quirky, off-beat characters, into boorish, cut-away obsessed, hateful creations.

That said, MacFarlane is a fan:

“The very first cartoon character I drew at age two was Fred Flintstone”

“So it’s appropriate that events have come full circle, allowing me to produce the newest incarnation of this great franchise. Plus, I think America is finally ready for an animated sitcom about a fat, stupid guy with a wife who’s too good for him”

Production (or, as it is being referred to in some circles, The Death Of Humour) will be starting in the fall of 2011 and will most likely end up polluting our screens in 2013.

That gives us two years to decide whether to end the lives of those involved or simply partake in a mass-suicide.*

*Please note, this is quite clearly a melodramatic response to a situation, used for comedic effect. So, if you’re a lawyer or a basketcase who briefly took it seriously, please go and stand in a darkened room, count to ten, think about your life and then, should you see fit, kill yourself.**

**Please note, this is further use of melodrama, used for comedic effect. Seriously, stop trying to kill yourself or other people to then pin the blame on us. Idiot.

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Hey nerd baskets! Get this! You’re gonna love this! You know Blade Runner? That sic-fi film you weally weally weally love? Some people are going to tinker with it. Feel free to say “is nothing sacred anymore?”

Ridley Scott’s bleak look at some typically horrible future (why are no films set in the future kinda cool?*) is about to have a whole new set of digits, prodding and poking it and fizzing with excitement about filming in 3D and ‘better’ CGI, when really, the original’s clunky effects only added to the menace of it all.

Aaaanyway, more than thirty years on, the film is about to become a franchise seeing spin-offs on television and new movies.

Some company (they’re called Alcon if you remotely care) is bagging the rights for Blade Runner to make a whole buncha new things which will probably end up looking like those awful Stargate shows that we all endured when there was nothing else on the box.

Bud Yorkin, who produced the original, is set to produce a new untitled Blade Runner project.

The people from Some Company, say:

“We are honored and excited to be in business with Bud Yorkin. This is a major acquisition for our company, and a personal favorite film for both of us. We recognize the responsibility we have to do justice to the memory of the original with any prequel or sequel we produce. We have long-term goals for the franchise, and are exploring multi-platform concepts, not just limiting ourselves to one medium only.”

So expect video games and lunchboxes then.

Blade Runner, of course, starred Harrison Ford as Rick Dekard. Dekard was a retired cop who was tasked with hunting down some clones who escaped from a colony and decided that Los Angeles sounded like a nice place to hang out.

So who will take the role of Dekard in a prequel? It has to be someone with reasonable acting chops and butch enough to tackle the thrills and spills of the story.

In that case, our money’s on either Tom Hardy or Dustin Diamond.

*Granted, a film set in the future where everything and everyone was happy would be immensely dull, but y’know?

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Tim Burton! He’s kooky isn’t he? He’s probably got stuffed animals in his house! And rugs that smell like goths. And loads of hairspray for his sticky-up haircut. And Helena Bonham Carter. He’s got one of them.

Sadly for our Tim, he looks like a hybrid of ukulele loving Tiny Tim and Tim Curry. Isn’t that weird. Tim looks like a cross between two other Tims. We’d crowbar Timothy Dalton, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Tim Westwood in as well, if we could be remotely bothered.

Anyway, Burton is going to team-up with non-Tim, Josh Brolin, to make a new version of ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’. Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp are probably going to be in it too because they’re in every pissing film Burton ever made. Ever. Ever ever ever ever.

If you’re insultingly stupid and don’t know the story of Quasimodo, let us fill you in.

Quasimodo is a pig of a man. He’s got a gigantically deformed head, wears rubbish clothes to cover his hideous hunchback and, for a job, he rings bells in the Norte Dame cathedral in Paris. Paris is in France.

Of course, being pigshit ugly, Quasimodo doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. Sadly for Lord Quas, he falls in love with a very beautiful gypsy called Esmerelda.

Quas goes on to play for Newcastle United and Liverpool and Esmerelda, of course, featured in Channel 4′s vaguely racist ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ wearing a gown so heavy that it turned her knees into something resembling a ground up paste of grit and butter.

There’s been many, many adaptations of ‘Hunchback’, with Disney buffing it up into a pointless sheen, leaving out of the fat-tongued fun of shouting “ETHMUHRELDUUUR!”

Anyway, Tim Burton is probably chuckling to himself while sat in a darkened room, pretending that he lives in Victorian Britain while Josh Brolin is… well… he was that Brandon kid in Goonies. Whatever.

Either way, this film is probably going to be a fat load of gash which Tim Burton die-hards will lap-up. Well you would wouldn’t you? Goths haven’t had much to do since their music scene died in the mid ’80s.

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The first pictures emerged this week of Daniel Craig filming the opening scenes of the movie adaptation of Stieg Larsson’s book, ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’. Despite the fact that there is already a movie version of the book (the first in Larsson’s best-selling Millennium trilogy) by Swedish director Niels Arden Oplev with an all-Swedish cast, Hollywood have decided to come along and give it some jazz hands and add a star turn, making it into one of the most highly anticipated films of 2011, because, well, that’s what Hollywood does, innit?

Some fans of the books are a little bit upset about this new remake, fearing that it will not stay true to the original work, many saying it’s unnecessary to make a film about a book that’s already been made into a film about a book, with concerns that an all-star Hollywood cast will somehow dilute the power behind the story, blah blah blah, moan, moan, moan etc.

Well, we can tell you for nothing that Hecklerspray is not the moaning type (ha!). We’re sure the Swedish film is great but we’re busy people and can’t be doing with subtitles and although there’s no doubt that the original Swedish actor is more Blomkvist than Craig, we at HS, are delighted about the inclusion of James Bond.

We’ve read all three books and found them utterly compelling, even if we did skim the boring bits (mainly the bits with politics and that which if you’ve read the book you’ll know means about 90% of it but to be fair when you don’t know anything about British politics, why on earth would you need to know anything about Swedish shenanigans?).

This news meant that Daniel Craig was going to get his kit off and we could have a good old perv at him whilst eating a box of popcorn bigger than the collective hecklerspray head in the cinema (the cost of said popcorn invariably involving a second mortgage or perhaps the sale of a kidney).

Shortly after seeing the pictures, HS got its copy of TGWTDT out and started highlighting areas in the story with potential for swimming trunks action (we’re not stupid, we’ve seen the James Bond pictures). However, it quickly became clear that the chances of Daniel/Mikael getting semi-naked were pretty slim. Mikael doesn’t really do anything in the book but sulkily skulk around being investigative, power up his iBook and smoke fags. Oh, and sometimes he shags women and solves Sweden’s most unsolved crimes and is generally a hero but those bits are purely fillers.

HS was a bit gutted about the lack of phwoar-inducing action until we had a genius idea. The one thing that Mikael does do, in fact, the thing that he spends 90% of his time doing, is making coffee and eating sandwiches.

Now, we like coffee and sandwiches, but Mikael takes it to the extreme. If there was an Olympic event for eating sandwiches and drinking coffee, Mikael Blomkvist would be the world champion ten times over. When you think about it, it’s no wonder he’s always so moody, he must be severely lacking in Vitamin C if all he eats is bread and can you imagine his breath?

Anyway, back to the genius idea: coffee’s hot right? And you wouldn’t want to spill it on your trousers, particularly as you are a top journo solving a deeply complicated mystery and have no time for such humdrum as washing and ironing. And we all know that Swedish sandwiches are usually ‘open’ and involve some kind of random fish and a lot of mayonnaise and we all know what a bastard a mayonnaise stain is to get out, even with Pink Vanish.

What we’re suggesting is, every time Mikael eats a sandwich or drinks a coffee, he does it standing in his pants. It’s efficient, especially if he’s about to go to bed or he’s just been captured by a serial killer who took all his clothes, and it saves on washing which in turn is good for the environment and heaven knows we could all do with being a bit more responsible with our carbon footprint.

So, each time he drinks a coffee or eats a sandwich he does it in his underpants. And 30-something housewives all over the world get a little bit of Craig in their lives (or a big bit, if the camera angle’s right). There you go Mr Hollywood, write that into the script. There’s a box office smash for you, no mistake.

Incidentally, HS did go to Sweden once, for a meeting. We ended up on an industrial estate drinking some kind of lemonade thing surrounded by men in business suits eating rollmop herring. We planned to go into the centre of the city for a bit of culture afterward but ran out of money in the taxi so had to stop on the outskirts where we spent the afternoon with a mad woman who wanted to check HS’s chakra, with only a copy of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ for company (don’t even get us started on that book).

We couldn’t even find a bloody IKEA, which was a shame as our stupid editor demanded tea-lights. Anyway, we won’t be rushing back.

This disgusting article was dribbled over by Betsi Doodle

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Escape To Victory is a proper, classic football film. That said, this is only because it’s just about bearable, unlike 99% of all other films featuring men kicking a glorified pig’s bladder around a bit of grass in their knickers and vests.

The 1981 film featured a young Sylvester Stallone alongside Michael Caine and whole bunch of cameos from famous footballers like Pele and… er… Russell Osman. Apparently, during the shoot, a cocky young Stallone bet Pele $100 that he could save at least one of ten penalties taken by the Brazilian superstar. The first nine glided in no bother… the tenth nearly broke Stallone’s arm, teaching him a lesson not to piss around with professional sportsmen.

Anyway, the film is apparently going to be remade according to The Guardian and footballer-turned-sort of actor Vinnie Jones is behind it all. Weirder yet, he wants David Beckham to star in it.

Testicle Grabber Jones is hoping that an appearance from the charisma vacuum Beckham will help to popularise the film in America (where no-one really likes ‘soccer’). Sexy Texts Beckham would step into the role and sweaty boots of predecessor Bobby Moore, who played Terry Brady in the original. Sadly, that means, we won’t get to see Beckham doing the famous “I do dees, I do dees, I do dees…” chalkboard skit.

For those who haven’t seen the film, and Michael Caine’s incredible performance as an autistic piece of timber, it all revolves around a group of allied PoWs who are imprisoned in a German camp during WWII.

Unfathomably, the Nazis agree to a big old game of football in a stadium in Paris and, of course, it’s during this game that ‘Our Lads’ plan to escape. Of course, we get the whole triumph over a shitty referee and all that jazz and the game ends in a 4-4 draw. If it was more realistic, the Allies would have crashed out on penalties.

That said, the film is inspired by a real event and is a remake of a film itself. 1962′s Két félid? a pokolban (Two Half-times in Hell), which was directed by Zoltán Fábri, was based on the story of Dynamo Kiev’s players, who defeated Nazi soldiers while Ukraine was occupied by Nazi troops in the second world war.

That’s all very well and presumably too factual for bile hungry abuse-mongers like yourselves.

The new flick, should it get the green light (which it probably won’t as Hollywood has presumably learned its lesson after disastrous rehashes of The Wicker Man and Get Carter) could well see Caine and Stallone making cameos appearances.

We can only hope they’re forced to be Nazis so we can all laugh at their woeful acting abilities and hammy accents.

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There is some news that just gets swept under in the grand scheme of things, even if it’s Twittered about and – as we all know – everyone in the world reads that pile of tripe.

Even news about Lucasarts classics being remade and re-released on one of those new-fangled ‘digital distribution’ platforms, called ‘Steam‘, or something, which has suffered in the wake of the news of Michael Jackson‘s death.

Wait – what do you mean Michael Jackson is dead?!

We hadn’t heard. Three hundred times a day. For the last four months.

Yes, since before he had even died.

Okay, so maybe part of the reason this has been overlooked is because this wonderful column which provides the sole source of gaming news for about 97 per cent of the population wasn’t here last week, but now it is, so pay attention.

We were Twatted with this earlier this week by some Lucasarts chap (not personally, mind):

“Amazing news coming Monday! Super excited! You have no idea how tough it is not to start yelling about it! But it’s secret! Until Monday!”

So, basically, we expected the world to literally explode with the incredi-ultra-megaton that was to be thrust our way.

Instead it was just the news that Lucasarts have realised they can finally get with the times and re-release a chunk of their back catalogue on Steam this Wednesday. Or “tomorrow” if you’re being pedantic.

And what are these games in question? See:

Armed and Dangerous
Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The Graphic Adventure
LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventure
LOOM
Star Wars Battlefront II
Star Wars Republic Commando
Star Wars Starfighter
The Dig
Thrillville: Off the Rails

So it’s a pile of games that were out a few years ago, one that was out last year and some bona-fide classic adventures (though strangely lacking Sam and Max or Day of the Tentacle). It’s not the haul we all maybe hoped for, but there is good and potentially good news to come.

For one, there’s the remake of The Secret of Monkey Island coming soon to PC and 360, meaning we get to look at a reskinned version of a game that we’ve replayed every year since it came out. So… that’s… life-changing.

Then there’s the new episodes of Monkey Island coming from Telltale. Which would be nice, were it not for the fact that the company have a questionable comic ability gland at the best of times, and this is a series which simply has to be funny. Don’t fail us, or there’ll be fire. FIRE.

And third, there’s the chance that if these re-releases on Steam and 360 do well, along with the new one on PC and Wii, we might get to see reskinned versions of the games we really want to see. Hello, Full Throttle.

Then again, there’s a chance we won’t, and this will all be as disappointing as if Michael Jackson died.

What do you mean he’s…

Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable – they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example.

Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that – as with most old movies – needs no remake and you’re left with the situation we have today.

For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron.

For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.

A remake is one thing – it takes the setting of the original, reworks it usually in a daft way, misses the point of the first film and then craps out an unrecognisable lump of cud where once stood a thoroughly recognisable lump of cud.

A remake of a film where the soundtrack is the most celebrated aspect of it is another thing altogether, especially when someone like Timbaland is on-board to re-jig the whole thing. Yes, the man seems capable of making anything a hit, but that’s because he makes the music he is involved with incredibly devoid of substance, vapid and generally appealing to the lowest common denominator through sheer weight of simplicity.

Actually, that sounds pretty much like the Bee Gees, only less terrifying and high-pitched. In other words; it’s a great idea – go for it!

Simon Cowell, on the other hand, won’t be involved to flex his creative muscles – even if they are just as withered as Timbaland‘s. No, the high-panted king of Television For Morons is sure to be involved for far more benevolent reasons. Namely: the fact that it will make him at least four shitloads of money.

Why do we know this? Because it will apparently have everybody’s favourite “less character than an actual Action Man doll” actor Zac Efron fronting the new Saturday Night Fever.

That’s a manchild second only to Robert Pattinson in the ‘making little girls and spinsters part with their cash’ stakes, so it’s yet another licence to print moolah for Cowell and co.

A source told The Sun newspaper:

“Simon has been looking into buying the rights for years and opened discussions with Robert about the remake.

“The charm offensive has been in full swing and they made a breakthrough over the last couple of weeks.”

No one knows when the film will be out, who else will be in it or how much of a direct rip-off of Step Up 2: The Streets it will be. Though hecklerspray hopes it will be a massive rip-off of the aformentioned classic of cinema.

We really need to get into this “making stuff to get a lot of money” business. It seems easy enough.

Years ago, when the brains behind the Karate Kid movies decided it’d be a fine idea to just replace Ralph Macchio with Hilary Swank and see what happens, well that was the moment our childhood ended.

Up until then our chief method for falling asleep at night was to lay there with our eyes closed and sweetly picture Daniel-san kicking Johnny in the teeth. After that we’d always picture him arm-whipping the bad guy from Okinawa to death, and after that we always pictured him literally biting the head off of whoever was the bad guy in Karate Kid III.

That’s not actually how the third one ended, likely due to faulty scriptwriting.

But if you thought it was bad when swank donned Mr. Miagi‘s karate school patch, well it’s about to get worse. Will Smith‘s kid – whatever his name is – is all set to star in a Karate Kid remake. We don’t know, maybe we’ll try falling asleep to the mental imagery of that little kid beating people up… but that seems like a pretty slippery slope if you catch our meaning.

Stupid Hollywood has been in remake mode of late. George Clooney‘s doing the Birds, an all new 90210 has recently been crammed down our necks with promises that Melrose Place will soon follow, and Denzel Washington is going to star in a scene by scene live-action duplicate of Wall-E.

A bit soon for that one, don’t you all think?

Yeah, that’s not true. Another remake stumbling forward through a very congested Hollywood pipeline is the Karate Kid. It’s supposed to be the exact same movie except Jada Pinkett Smith stars as Ralph Macchio. They’ve hired the same kid to play Johnny, Elizabeth Shue will be reprising her role, and the corpse of Pat Morita will be re-animated by multiple string-yanking puppeteers and a voice over.

What’s that now? It’s not Pinkett-Smith? Its her kid? Come again? Help us understand, Variety.com:

“Columbia Pictures is back in the dojo with a new version of the 1984 hit “The Karate Kid,” which has been refashioned as a star vehicle for Jaden Smith…The script is being written by Chris Murphy, and the film will shoot next year in Beijing and other cities. While the new film will be set in that exotic locale, it will borrow elements of the original plot, wherein a bullied youth learns to stand up for himself with the help of an eccentric mentor.”

Well it sounds like it’ll be a fine movie as long as we don’t have to watch it. But you should all know that we don’t think its completely pointless. We have some recommended ways to make it really good. For instance, if you’re already borrowing from Karate Kid, why not rape some other classics as well.

They should include the scene where Dorothy‘s house crushes that wicked witch, that’d probably be good. And that scene where Scarface is spitting bullets while mumbling something about greeting his gun, that would be a solid inclusion too. Throw in a part where Willow makes the baby disappear, a scene where Chunk loves Sloth, and maybe a Care Bear-stare or two – and you’ve got yourself a film for the ages.

Way to go Jaden Smith. That’s quite an impressive future resume.

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If you’ve ever wanted to see Will Smith cut out his tongue for doing something unspeakable to a member of his own family, it’s your lucky day.

And that’s because, as part of Hollywood’s ongoing quest to take every movie that you’ve ever enjoyed and smear a big layer of stupid right across it, it’s thought that Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are all set to team up on a remake of the Korean revenge drama Old Boy.

Nobody knows for sure why Steven Spielberg and Will Smith want to take something as stylish and critically acclaimed as Old Boy and ruin it with a needless remake, but the word on the street is that it’s down to how many things rhyme with Old Boy – like ‘Mould Toy’, ‘Cold Ploy’ and ‘Bold Joy’. That way it’s much easier for Will Smith to rap about it when he comes to record the new Old Boy theme-tune, you see.

Of all the movies that Hollywood is prepared to muck up with a big budget remake, we never assumed that Old Boy would be one of them. That’s because we thought that its themes of incest, mutilation and live octopus-eating would be too risque for any actor or director to commit to.

That goes to show what we know, because it turns out that the world’s biggest director wants to remake Old Boy with the world’s biggest moviestar. That’s right, get ready for Old Boy as reimagined by Steven Spielberg and Will Smith. Variety reports:

Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are in early discussions to collaborate on a remake of Chan Wook-park’s “Oldboy.” DreamWorks is in the process of securing the remake rights. Spielberg had been looking for an opportunity to make a film with Smith, who would play the kidnapped man if all the pieces fall into place. Spielberg is looking for a writer to begin the development process.

Now, look, sometimes it’s OK for Hollywood to remake an Asian movie or two – Martin Scorsese ended up actually improving on Infernal Affairs, and winning an Oscar in the process, when he made The Departed – but remakes of everything from The Ring to The Grudge to Hole In The Wall prove that it isn’t always a good idea.

Maybe Steven Spielberg and Will Smith will prove us wrong with this Old Boy remake – it’s already guaranteed to big a big-hitter at the box office, after all, given Spielberg’s reputation and Will Smith’s uncanny knack for opening any old piece of nonsense, even Hancock. But we still have our doubts.

And that’s mainly to do with the ending. The ending of the original Old Boy is upsetting, irreversible and subtly enigmatic. But if Steven Spielberg and Will Smith know anything, it’s how to muck up an ending beyond comparison.

So maybe people will watch it, but we’re not sure if an Old Boy that ends with Will Smith sewing his tongue back on and somehow saving the planet from a giant robot spider is probably the way to go.

As good as The Birds was, we thought that it lacked two main things – old-school charm and an oblique criticism of the government.

So thank heavens that George Clooney is apparently close to starring in a remake of The Birds. If reports are to be believed then George Clooney is all set to take on the role of Mitch Bremner – the man who doesn’t die and gets away safely at the end of the movie – in next year’s The Birds remake, to probably be directed by Martin Campbell.

Of course, 45 years have passed since the original, so George Clooney’s version will need some updating. For instance, since climate change is such a worry, The Birds remake will be given a more ecological bent. And instead of having birds in it, it’ll be about plants that kill people for no reason. And Mark Wahlberg‘s going to star in it. It’ll be excellent, really.

George Clooney has gained such a position of importance in Hollywood lately that he can more or less pick and choose the movies that he wants to be in. That’s why the only films you’ll ever see George Clooney star in are either a) clever pieces of slightly non-commercial social commentary or b) stupid films that reinforce his self-proclaimed Mr Smooth image.

And for the life of us, we can’t work out which one of these categories a remake of The Birds would fall into. According to reports, George Clooney is close to signing on to star in the forthcoming remake of The Birds alongside Naomi Watts.

Naomi Watts we can understand – between King Kong and The Ring and Funny Games, that girl loves pointless remakes so much that she’d probably play everyone in a remake of High School Musical 3 tomorrow if you asked her nicely enough – but George Clooney? Apparently so. Metro reports:

Hollywood legend George Clooney has been tipped to take the lead role in a remake of the classic horror film The Birds. And Rod Taylor, who starred in Alfred Hitchcock’s original 1983 movie, is delighted at the prospect of George taking on the role. Rod told the Daily Express: “I often cringe when I hear mention of remakes but I’ll hold judgement, especially since I’ve been told Clooney’s the favourite.”

We can only pray that George Clooney’s remake of The Birds will be half as good as the 1998 remake of Psycho, but it probably won’t be because Vince Vaughn isn’t going to play all of the birds. Unless he is, in which case we’re in.

Oh, and the bit above where we mentioned the birds going on the attack as revenge for humans messing up the environment? That’s apparently true, keeping within the confines of the law which states that all vaguely nature-based movie remakes must feature humans as the real monsters.

Speaking of which, isn’t it time that someone did a remake of The Perfect Storm where George Clooney enrages the sea by accidentally catching a dolphin in a tuna net? We’d definitely watch that, but only on the proviso that it ended with Clooney getting completely Steve Irwined by an army of swordfish.