Even news about Lucasarts classics being remade and re-released on one of those new-fangled ‘digital distribution’ platforms, called ‘Steam‘, or something, which has suffered in the wake of the news of Michael Jackson’s death.

Wait – what do you mean Michael Jackson is dead?!

We hadn’t heard. Three hundred times a day. For the last four months.

Yes, since before he had even died.

Okay, so maybe part of the reason this has been overlooked is because this wonderful column which provides the sole source of gaming news for about 97 per cent of the population wasn’t here last week, but now it is, so pay attention.

We were Twatted with this earlier this week by some Lucasarts chap (not personally, mind):

“Amazing news coming Monday! Super excited! You have no idea how tough it is not to start yelling about it! But it’s secret! Until Monday!”

So, basically, we expected the world to literally explode with the incredi-ultra-megaton that was to be thrust our way.

Instead it was just the news that Lucasarts have realised they can finally get with the times and re-release a chunk of their back catalogue on Steam this Wednesday. Or “tomorrow” if you’re being pedantic.

And what are these games in question? See:

Armed and Dangerous
Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The Graphic Adventure
LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventure
LOOM
Star Wars Battlefront II
Star Wars Republic Commando
Star Wars Starfighter
The Dig
Thrillville: Off the Rails

So it’s a pile of games that were out a few years ago, one that was out last year and some bona-fide classic adventures (though strangely lacking Sam and Max or Day of the Tentacle). It’s not the haul we all maybe hoped for, but there is good and potentially good news to come.

For one, there’s the remake of The Secret of Monkey Island coming soon to PC and 360, meaning we get to look at a reskinned version of a game that we’ve replayed every year since it came out. So… that’s… life-changing.

Then there’s the new episodes of Monkey Island coming from Telltale. Which would be nice, were it not for the fact that the company have a questionable comic ability gland at the best of times, and this is a series which simply has to be funny. Don’t fail us, or there’ll be fire. FIRE.

And third, there’s the chance that if these re-releases on Steam and 360 do well, along with the new one on PC and Wii, we might get to see reskinned versions of the games we really want to see. Hello, Full Throttle.

Then again, there’s a chance we won’t, and this will all be as disappointing as if Michael Jackson died.

What do you mean he’s…

Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that – as with most old movies – needs no remake and you’re left with the situation we have today.

For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron.

For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.

A remake is one thing – it takes the setting of the original, reworks it usually in a daft way, misses the point of the first film and then craps out an unrecognisable lump of cud where once stood a thoroughly recognisable lump of cud.

A remake of a film where the soundtrack is the most celebrated aspect of it is another thing altogether, especially when someone like Timbaland is on-board to re-jig the whole thing. Yes, the man seems capable of making anything a hit, but that’s because he makes the music he is involved with incredibly devoid of substance, vapid and generally appealing to the lowest common denominator through sheer weight of simplicity.

Actually, that sounds pretty much like the Bee Gees, only less terrifying and high-pitched. In other words; it’s a great idea – go for it!

Simon Cowell, on the other hand, won’t be involved to flex his creative muscles – even if they are just as withered as Timbaland’s. No, the high-panted king of Television For Morons is sure to be involved for far more benevolent reasons. Namely: the fact that it will make him at least four shitloads of money.

Why do we know this? Because it will apparently have everybody’s favourite “less character than an actual Action Man doll” actor Zac Efron fronting the new Saturday Night Fever.

That’s a manchild second only to Robert Pattinson in the ‘making little girls and spinsters part with their cash’ stakes, so it’s yet another licence to print moolah for Cowell and co.

A source told The Sun newspaper:

“Simon has been looking into buying the rights for years and opened discussions with Robert about the remake.

“The charm offensive has been in full swing and they made a breakthrough over the last couple of weeks.”

No one knows when the film will be out, who else will be in it or how much of a direct rip-off of Step Up 2: The Streets it will be. Though hecklerspray hopes it will be a massive rip-off of the aformentioned classic of cinema.

We really need to get into this “making stuff to get a lot of money” business. It seems easy enough.

Up until then our chief method for falling asleep at night was to lay there with our eyes closed and sweetly picture Daniel-san kicking Johnny in the teeth. After that we’d always picture him arm-whipping the bad guy from Okinawa to death, and after that we always pictured him literally biting the head off of whoever was the bad guy in Karate Kid III.

That’s not actually how the third one ended, likely due to faulty scriptwriting.

But if you thought it was bad when swank donned Mr. Miagi’s karate school patch, well it’s about to get worse. Will Smith’s kid – whatever his name is – is all set to star in a Karate Kid remake. We don’t know, maybe we’ll try falling asleep to the mental imagery of that little kid beating people up… but that seems like a pretty slippery slope if you catch our meaning.

Stupid Hollywood has been in remake mode of late. George Clooney’s doing the Birds, an all new 90210 has recently been crammed down our necks with promises that Melrose Place will soon follow, and Denzel Washington is going to star in a scene by scene live-action duplicate of Wall-E.

A bit soon for that one, don’t you all think?

Yeah, that’s not true. Another remake stumbling forward through a very congested Hollywood pipeline is the Karate Kid. It’s supposed to be the exact same movie except Jada Pinkett Smith stars as Ralph Macchio. They’ve hired the same kid to play Johnny, Elizabeth Shue will be reprising her role, and the corpse of Pat Morita will be re-animated by multiple string-yanking puppeteers and a voice over.

What’s that now? It’s not Pinkett-Smith? Its her kid? Come again? Help us understand, Variety.com:

“Columbia Pictures is back in the dojo with a new version of the 1984 hit “The Karate Kid,” which has been refashioned as a star vehicle for Jaden Smith…The script is being written by Chris Murphy, and the film will shoot next year in Beijing and other cities. While the new film will be set in that exotic locale, it will borrow elements of the original plot, wherein a bullied youth learns to stand up for himself with the help of an eccentric mentor.”

Well it sounds like it’ll be a fine movie as long as we don’t have to watch it. But you should all know that we don’t think its completely pointless. We have some recommended ways to make it really good. For instance, if you’re already borrowing from Karate Kid, why not rape some other classics as well.

They should include the scene where Dorothy’s house crushes that wicked witch, that’d probably be good. And that scene where Scarface is spitting bullets while mumbling something about greeting his gun, that would be a solid inclusion too. Throw in a part where Willow makes the baby disappear, a scene where Chunk loves Sloth, and maybe a Care Bear-stare or two – and you’ve got yourself a film for the ages.

Way to go Jaden Smith. That’s quite an impressive future resume.

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And that’s because, as part of Hollywood’s ongoing quest to take every movie that you’ve ever enjoyed and smear a big layer of stupid right across it, it’s thought that Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are all set to team up on a remake of the Korean revenge drama Old Boy.

Nobody knows for sure why Steven Spielberg and Will Smith want to take something as stylish and critically acclaimed as Old Boy and ruin it with a needless remake, but the word on the street is that it’s down to how many things rhyme with Old Boy – like ‘Mould Toy’, ‘Cold Ploy’ and ‘Bold Joy’. That way it’s much easier for Will Smith to rap about it when he comes to record the new Old Boy theme-tune, you see.

Of all the movies that Hollywood is prepared to muck up with a big budget remake, we never assumed that Old Boy would be one of them. That’s because we thought that its themes of incest, mutilation and live octopus-eating would be too risque for any actor or director to commit to.

That goes to show what we know, because it turns out that the world’s biggest director wants to remake Old Boy with the world’s biggest moviestar. That’s right, get ready for Old Boy as reimagined by Steven Spielberg and Will Smith. Variety reports:

Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are in early discussions to collaborate on a remake of Chan Wook-park’s “Oldboy.” DreamWorks is in the process of securing the remake rights. Spielberg had been looking for an opportunity to make a film with Smith, who would play the kidnapped man if all the pieces fall into place. Spielberg is looking for a writer to begin the development process.

Now, look, sometimes it’s OK for Hollywood to remake an Asian movie or two – Martin Scorsese ended up actually improving on Infernal Affairs, and winning an Oscar in the process, when he made The Departed – but remakes of everything from The Ring to The Grudge to Hole In The Wall prove that it isn’t always a good idea.

Maybe Steven Spielberg and Will Smith will prove us wrong with this Old Boy remake – it’s already guaranteed to big a big-hitter at the box office, after all, given Spielberg’s reputation and Will Smith’s uncanny knack for opening any old piece of nonsense, even Hancock. But we still have our doubts.

And that’s mainly to do with the ending. The ending of the original Old Boy is upsetting, irreversible and subtly enigmatic. But if Steven Spielberg and Will Smith know anything, it’s how to muck up an ending beyond comparison.

So maybe people will watch it, but we’re not sure if an Old Boy that ends with Will Smith sewing his tongue back on and somehow saving the planet from a giant robot spider is probably the way to go.

So thank heavens that George Clooney is apparently close to starring in a remake of The Birds. If reports are to be believed then George Clooney is all set to take on the role of Mitch Bremner – the man who doesn’t die and gets away safely at the end of the movie – in next year’s The Birds remake, to probably be directed by Martin Campbell.

Of course, 45 years have passed since the original, so George Clooney’s version will need some updating. For instance, since climate change is such a worry, The Birds remake will be given a more ecological bent. And instead of having birds in it, it’ll be about plants that kill people for no reason. And Mark Wahlberg’s going to star in it. It’ll be excellent, really.

George Clooney has gained such a position of importance in Hollywood lately that he can more or less pick and choose the movies that he wants to be in. That’s why the only films you’ll ever see George Clooney star in are either a) clever pieces of slightly non-commercial social commentary or b) stupid films that reinforce his self-proclaimed Mr Smooth image.

And for the life of us, we can’t work out which one of these categories a remake of The Birds would fall into. According to reports, George Clooney is close to signing on to star in the forthcoming remake of The Birds alongside Naomi Watts.

Naomi Watts we can understand – between King Kong and The Ring and Funny Games, that girl loves pointless remakes so much that she’d probably play everyone in a remake of High School Musical 3 tomorrow if you asked her nicely enough – but George Clooney? Apparently so. Metro reports:

Hollywood legend George Clooney has been tipped to take the lead role in a remake of the classic horror film The Birds. And Rod Taylor, who starred in Alfred Hitchcock’s original 1983 movie, is delighted at the prospect of George taking on the role. Rod told the Daily Express: “I often cringe when I hear mention of remakes but I’ll hold judgement, especially since I’ve been told Clooney’s the favourite.”

We can only pray that George Clooney’s remake of The Birds will be half as good as the 1998 remake of Psycho, but it probably won’t be because Vince Vaughn isn’t going to play all of the birds. Unless he is, in which case we’re in.

Oh, and the bit above where we mentioned the birds going on the attack as revenge for humans messing up the environment? That’s apparently true, keeping within the confines of the law which states that all vaguely nature-based movie remakes must feature humans as the real monsters.

Speaking of which, isn’t it time that someone did a remake of The Perfect Storm where George Clooney enrages the sea by accidentally catching a dolphin in a tuna net? We’d definitely watch that, but only on the proviso that it ended with Clooney getting completely Steve Irwined by an army of swordfish.

Now, if you are not familiar with V, let us explain. It’s about rodent-eating alien lizards who come to Earth and act like a right bunch of Nazis. Think David Icke without the rodents – and the Nazis.

They basically want to nick all our water and then eat us because, well, they are not very nice rodent-eating alien lizards. There are even loads of Nazi-like references to ram home the point.

Warner Bros are going to produce the V remake, while the guy in charge of writing it will be The 4400 co-creator/exec producer Scott Peters – so it is probably going to suck.

But we are trying to stay positive here at Hecklerspray. We are excited about yet another TV series from our childhoods being put through the mangle to make yet more cash – honest.

Hopefully, it will be as good as the Battlestar Galactica remake. One thing is for sure – judging from the clip we have added below – they can’t do any worse with the special effects. Don’t worry kids! The only harm done to any pets included in the clip was to their credibilities as animal actors.

Anyway, speaking to Variety, Peters, who had always insisted he would not do another sci-fi project, says it was an offer he could not refuse. He said:

“Whenever I mention ‘V’ to anybody, they still have a lot of good memories about the original movie and series. Everybody has that imagery of their uniforms, or the visitor eating a hamster. It’s a science fiction icon and too good to pass up.”

So are any of the original cast going to be offered roles in the new series? You would bet they would certainly like to, as the only person to have any semblance of a decent career afterwards was Robert Englund, who is, of course, Freddie Krueger. In fact, you would imagine there are a few stars from the original series who would happily eat their own pets to get included.

Well, the answer is, probably not, because the new series will instead focus on some new characters, and in particular, Erica Evans, a Homeland Security agent whose son falls for their dastardly lizard lies.

One thing is for sure, V no longer stands for ‘victory’.

Maybe it won’t be so bad though. The entire old cast is returning to reprise their roles, and to once again live with their really old mother. Sure, it sounds improbable, but the scriptwriters are supposedly coming up with all sorts of ways to make the transition go off real smoothly – for instance Danny Bonaduce’s character moves back home because he’s hiding from a newly resurrected KGB, and David Cassidy’s character retreats to his mother’s residence after losing half his brain in an industrial mining accident.

See, Hollywood has ways of making this kind of stuff work.

NBC has reportedly just picked up rights to a brand new version of The Partridge Family. It will be packed with all new cast members despite what lazy research caused us to write in a preceding paragraph.

The plot for everything is supposed to basically remain the same, except the mother will be more of a stage mom who dresses her kids up in that red martian Britney Spears-jumpsuit before she allows them to perform in front of anybody. It should really be pretty sexy.

For paedophiles.

To everyone else though, the idea pretty much screams mistake. Here’s what the Hollywood Reporter knows about it:

“The Partridge Family” has found a new network home at NBC. The Peacock has picked up a contemporary single-camera take on the classic ABC sitcom to be written by Jeff Rake…A fan of the 1970s series, Rake plans to “turn the premise on its head.”

“In the original, the kids actually recruited their mom to front the band, which I can’t see happening in any family on this planet,” he said. “The new version will reflect what seems to me to be the more realistic family band scenario these days: a struggling, sort of well-meaning mom pimping her kids in order to create a wholesome-slash-sexy cash cow.”

If all this ends up to not be the ratings juggernaut Rake seems to expect, it won’t effect him too much. That’s because he’s already got partially written scripts for newly conceptualized versions of The Brady Bunch, The Monkees, and a younger, more musical take on the Great Grape Ape.

That last one will probably feature animatronics. If it’s good it will, anyway.

This kind of old classic remake-thing has happened before, you know. We’ve got a clip it. It’s The New Monkees. Take a good look at it and then tell us if you think this Partridge Family thing is a good idea.

Well, it would be if she actually did anything worthwhile ever, instead of just getting knocked up and kind of lingering around, like that person at a party you kind of know but don’t want to talk to but at the same time don’t want to ask to leave as that would be far too rude. Even though they’re standing there, people are staring and it’s killing the funtime vibe – you’re ruining the party, Tori Spelling. Get out.

Ahem.

It would seem that this is the exact attitude favoured by the execs behind the remake of Beverly Hills 90210 – imaginatively titled 90210 – who appear to have asked Tori to leave the TV party. Maybe it didn’t quite happen like that, but we’re trying to fit this in with quite a poorly-thought out and stretched analogy. Hush down.

Listen: Tori Spelling was on board for the new 90210, probably being all ‘like whoa’ and all deep and introspective (while being rich) when she was getting into character, but then she found out that her co-stars, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth, were being paid around $50,000 per episode, whereas poor old Tori was only getting about $20,000 for each exciting adventure.

Unsurprisingly, little Miss Spelling reacted quite badly to the news, demanded equal pay and was turned down. Unsurprisinglyier, Tori then backed out of the show, leaving 90210 again without Donna Martin - just as it was in the 90s when she ended her run on the show after numerous spats with the cast and crew. Old habits, and all that.

Fortunately, there is more than enough for Tori Spelling to fall back on – she has… hmm… this one’s a toughie… well, she has a kid to look after… and… hmm… nope – that’s about it, really. She could write another book, or sell more of her stuff or something, but she doesn’t really seem to have that much else going for her right now.

While she may have had a point in expecting wage equality with her guest appearances on the new 90210, hecklerspray didn’t really know what to think about it all. Then we were pointed in the direction of one of those ‘quote’ things where someone said some words about it, and it told us what to think. The source told Deadline Hollywood Daily:

“She thought she deserved parity, and she’s got a point.”

Which is the kind of statement you don’t really want to argue with – straightforward, no fluff, gets the point across: some textbook quoteage. Well done that ’source’.

Alas – even with the crippling loss of Tori Spelling, it looks as if the producers intend to actually go ahead with 90210. How they could dare we do not know, but the premiere of the show is set to air on September 2nd. We will be watching, probably crying and definitely laughing at how bad it’s sure to be.

Not that we’re negative or anything.

It’s quite difficult to decide what made up word successfully describes the noise after ‘Flash!’ is cried on the Queen song, but hecklerspray has gone with ‘pakow!’ and forever it will remain that way.

What is less difficult to describe is the news that Flash Gordon, polo playing (or american footballer, depending on how much stock you put in the 80s film) hero of the universe, is to make a return to the big screen. This comes across as particularly strange, following the fact that the recent Flash Gordon TV series was received in the way a crap-covered balloon given to a child with a terminal illness would be received.

Stretched analogies aside, we mean the TV show wasn’t very good. And it still isn’t, actually. But this hasn’t stopped Hollywood in their never-ending quest to rape nostalgia forever, which has frankly become such a stupidly common occurrence that we feel we should give it an official name.

Leave your suggestions below.

After winning the rights to create a movie based on the character, Sony have gone and hired a couple of writers for the remake – Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Hopefully they got the gig from their names alone, but that we cannot be sure of . But when you throw in the fact that Breck Eisner is apparently directing, then, well – we have a case to make that claim, surely?

Unfortunately we are a bit neutered in the criticism we can offer Matt and Burk beyond their spectacular names, as we cannot find anything they’ve written before. Eisner, on the other hand, directed the should-be-a-war-crime that was ‘Sahara’. Which – let’s be honest here – means it’s likely going to be a big pile of poopy.

While we can’t be sure at this point, it does look like the story being pushed for will retread the ground that has been walked a dozen times before by Flash and his cohorts – Earth under attack, fly to Mongo, fight Ming, win – and this version can’t possibly have a new soundtrack devised by Queen, so what’s the point?

Will the franchise be a ‘re-boot’, akin to that of Batman? Will we see a newly-hardcore Flash Gordon fighting barefist with Ming, before setting off on some parkour-inspired chase sequence? All interlaced with CGI rife with ‘dirty cuts’?

Hecklerspray would go with: yes. That’s almost definitely what’s going to happen.

Because Hollywood has no ideas, remakes everything, forces out pointless sequels and seemingly does it all in exactly the same style – which just so happens to be whichever style is popular at the time. Philistines. Though, to be fair, a method-acted Ming would be something to savour – conquering worlds just to ‘get into character’ and generally dressing like something of a maniacal twit around town.

In fact, that sounds brilliant – make it faster, Sony.

Pakow!

You see, Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to be the wholesome tween star of Hannah Montana forever, which is why she’s decided to tell the world about her brilliant new pitch for a TV show. It’s basically Miley Cyrus, right, starring in Sex And The City.

Seriously, that’s what she said. Miley Cyrus wants to make a toned-down, slightly more wholesome version of Sex And The City for children. This is deeply upsetting news indeed – we already had an idea for a show called The Miley Cyrus Over The Sweater Action And Nothing More Until I’m Married Because I Love God Hour, and Miley Cyrus goes and steals it, the 15-year-old bitch.

You might not have noticed, but Miley Cyrus is hell-bent on growing up. Although she’s still only 15 years old – an age where most people are happy to hula hoop in meadows or carry loaves of bread for pensioners – Miley Cyrus just won’t stop trying to assert her adulthood onto everyone.

You can see it in the typically grown-up things that Miley Cyrus has apparently started to do – like smoking, lapdancing, taking part in partially-naked glossy magazine photoshoots, getting in the shower with her clothes on and, possibly most adult of them all, occasionally not wearing seatbelts.

But that’s nothing, because now Miley Cyrus has said that she wants to remake Sex And The City – the graphically sexual show about a bunch of sluts having it off that probably isn’t especially suitable viewing material for 15-year-old girls. Miley told TV Guide:

“I’d love to do a younger, cleaner version of Sex and the City. I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand.”

Way to get loads of 11-year-old girls to watch Sex And The City, Miley. Way to warp their sexual ideals before they’ve even reached puberty. Jeez, why didn’t you just take a full-page advert out in Tween Scene magazine saying “Hi kids, I’m Miley Cyrus and I want you all to go out and buy dildos”? Because that’s basically what you’re doing anyway.

Oh, we’re just kidding – if anything, raising tween awareness of a show that repeatedly features shots of Kim Cattrall’s grisled naked body is going to do more to promote childhood abstinence than almost anything else – but Miley’s decision to remake Sex And The City without the sex is still incredibly troubling.

Why? Because if you remove all traces of sex from Sex And The City, what are you left with? A bunch of ropey-looking old ladies sitting round a table banging on about shoes. And a city. That sounds shit.

True, it was exciting enough when RoboCop stabbed that bad guy with the glasses, and touching when he referred to himself by his human name afterwards, but that's hardly very depressing, is it?

Are we the only ones who wanted to see RoboCop, his arms septic and withered from years of crippling heroin addiction, putting on a soul-destroying lesbian dildo show for a gaggle of sleazy businessmen?

Perhaps we are. But we always get what we want, which is why we're not completely surprised to hear that Darren Aronofsky - the director of Requiem For A Dream – is in talks to direct a new version of RoboCop. Seriously.

Someone in Hollywood should probably send out a team of scientists to test the town's water supply, because we think it might have been tainted with mercury.

That's the only logical explanation for all the genuinely crackpot decisions that have been made there recently.

First it was announced that Robert Downey Jr would be playing a beefed-up Sherlock Holmes in a movie directed by Guy Ritchie of all people, and now – before anyone's had time to digest that news and realise how awful that sounds – Darren Aronofsky's been mentioned in a report discussing a new RoboCop film. Look:

MGM toppers Harry Sloan and Mary Parent announced the [Red Dawn] remake — along with a big-budget rebuild of "RoboCop," which director Darren Aronofsky among others has recently been in to discuss — in May at the Festival de Cannes.

Darren Aronofsky, of course, is synonymous with two things. One is his strong vision – Requiem For A Dream is a beauty to watch, even if you'll probably try to kill yourself 15 minutes after it's finished – and the other is The Fountain, his ambitious but utterly befuddling 2006 movie about, um, a tree in a bubble in space. Or something.

So this talk of Darren Aronofsky directing a RoboCop remake is either genius or the stupidest thing we've ever heard.

There's every chance that, if this actually happens, Aronofsky's RoboCop will arbitrarily flick backwards and forwards through time, contain a lengthy midsection about slow-motion cell division and finish with an ending so heavy in oblique symbolism that people will think they're watching a 1980s advert for fancy aftershave.

No, actually, screw it – we do want to see Darren Aronofsky direct the RoboCop remake. Not only would it be a refreshingly brave decision for a Hollywood studio to take, but it'd probably mean that Rachel Weisz would be in it, which we're completely OK with.

What's more, if Darren Aronofsky gets to direct RoboCop, than we're one step closer to our dream of seeing David Lynch direct a remake of that film where Tim Allen turns into Father Christmas.

Take the Sex and the City movie, for example. Rehashing a series that had finished on TV less than five years previously seemed to hecklerspray as something of a cynical cash-in. And it worked. Did it ever work . So who can blame the struggling execs in tinseltown for turning to another much-loved TV property with a push at converting it for the big screen, even though the topsoil on its grave is still fresh?

Yes, friends, there are rumours they're re-doing Friends. But for now, even though everyone in the world seems to be harping on about it, these rumours are nothing but that. There may be hope yet.

When it comes to barely-even-dead TV shows heading to the big screen there are few occasions when it's a genuinely good idea. The Sex and the City film proved it was a lucrative idea, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. It does if you're a money-hoarding twit, mind, but if you have any integrity whatsoever it's probably better to leave these projects alone. Let them die, especially when they went on for ten years and tied up every loose end imaginable over the course.

Don't re-open the wounds, don't rehash the same storylines, don't break up the established relationships and don't create new problems from lives that fans of the show have accepted as being 'on course'. Oh, and retroactively: don't give Joey a spin-off. It won't work. hecklerspray feared the worst when rumours popped up earlier this week that all of those sins were about to be committed in one glorious two-hour epic of utterly unbelievable lives, 'being there for yoooou' and Phoebe being a shit character.

But thank crikey if there haven't been two massive wedges of sense in the space of a day – first the tabloid 'zines turn down messr Lohan's approaches to sell the story of the child that may not even be his, and now it would seem that the raping of an only very recently dead TV corpse is to be left alone. For the time being, at least. Matthew Perry – or Chandler, or that one off that cancelled TV show that was quite good, for those who don't know him outside of Friends (i.e. most people, thanks to his stellar movie career) – has a publicist, Lisa Kasteler, and she said these words using her mouth:

"Nothing is happening in this regard, so the rumour is false."

She couldn't have put it better if she tried. Well, she could – she could have swore or something, as we all know swearing is fucking cool. But for 'getting straight to the point' points, she scores high.

But this leaves something of a void in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers. Well, we should say 'more of a void than the normal vacuous space that should resemble the creative part of a human brain in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers'. Without a tried-and-tested formula, what can they do? Come up with something new? Do a sequel? Release the same rom-com again with a different title?

hecklerspray has a suggestion, one that we're willing to give up for free, just this once. It covers the TV-remake base and has genuine potential, as well as being a worthy transition from small to big screen, not just a bloated cash-in.

Arrested Development: The Movie.

Make that and most of your sins for being rubbish bastards will be forgiven.

Dubbed the ‘worst movie of all time’ by many critics, Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space is set to remade by filmmaker John Johnson.

Worse still, he claims he wants to create a ‘character-driven, serious-minded retelling of the original story, paying homage to the spirit of Wood’s film without resorting to camp or parody’.

What!?! Hecklerspray would love to see that. We have always wanted to know exactly what Ghoul Man’s, Vampire Girl’s and Patrolman Larry’s motivations were throughout this film. We suppose the first question is why they decided to be in the original pile of shit movie in the first place.

Obviously, John Johnson is either clinically insane, making a joke, or a man who likes a serious challenge. If it’s a challenge, does he enjoy trying to polish turds? What’s his next challenge? Knitting with fog?

Take away the campness from Plan 9 From Outer Space and there is nothing left. Well, apart from the morbid curiosity of watching a film dubbed ‘the worst-ever’.

Which, of course, it isn’t. In fact, we would rather watch Plan 9 back-to-back while vultures pick at our flesh for year than watch a second of Pearl Harbor again.

Anyway, what is the point of remaking a film that has already been given as much credence and credibility it could ever have by Tim Burton’s brilliant biopic of the great man?

Still, it’ll probably be better than the Psycho remake.

Read more:

Plan9movie.com

The yellowed-vagina singer reportedly wants to play Ingrid Bergman’s part and plans to set the film in war torn Iraq. How current.

A studio source says:

"She is still determined to make it in the movies. She and her representatives have been touting around a project which is a remake of Casablanca. The reception has been lukewarm to say the least. No one can understand why she wants to redo what many people consider the greatest film of all time.”

She’s persistent. You’ve got to give her that. It’s like AIDS walking up to a hospital in Africa and asking for a job. Whilst laughing at Patrick Swayze’s prostate. Whilst repeatedly stabbing the corpse of Princess Diana in the face with a white Fiat Uno. Whilst simultaneously eating Jesus and the co-ordinates of Madeleine McCann’s current whereabouts. Whilst pooing on a picture of Mohammed sellotaped to a teddy bear. Whilst saying, “At least you’ve got good AIDS, mate and you’re not a paki.” She’s persistent. You’ve got to give her that.

The Madge has thankfully not been seen on our screens since her husband made the terrible decision to continue living and direct her in 2002’s bargain bin exclusive Swept Away. But all that could change if movie executives are idiotic enough.

What’s next? Michael Bay to remake Citizen Kane? Hard-Fi to redo The White Album with less cover art? Salmon Rushdie to rewrite the Koran with more sense?

The world’s gone fucking mad.

Read more:

Madonna to star in 'Casablanca' remake? - IOL 

There's a very high probability that you just thought 'Shane Richie starring in a remake of Minder for Channel Five'. Because, objectively, that's the very worst thing the human brain will allow you to imagine before it goes wrong and has a stroke.

But guess what? There is going to be a remake of Minder, it is going to be on Channel Five and irritating cockney wideboy gasbag Shane Richie will star in it. On the plus side, if you start destroying your TV with an axe now, there's a good chance you'll miss it.

The life of a soap actor is a hard one, no matter what you think. Not because of the long hours or because you might get punched in the head in a supermarket car park, but because of how it affects your brain. Star in EastEnders, you see, and everyone will start to recognise you. Mistaking the recognition for love, you'll inevitably leave EastEnders with lofty-minded ideas of becoming a film star, only to fail miserably and end up being the star of a Confused.com advert at 3am on Dave+1.

And if that's what goes through the mind of regular actors, imagine what it does to someone like Shane Richie. Sure, Shane Richie won an army of adoring fans when he was Alfie Moon in EastEnders, but he was capable of so much more than that. Don't forget that, as well as acting, Shane Richie was also a mediocre stand-up comedian, the host of a barely-remembered children's game show and the creator of 2003 18-track cabaret masterpiece Shane Richie The Album. He was wasted on EastEnders. Wasted.

Since leaving EastEnders, Shane Richie has gone on to such heady heights as doing some local radio, sinking all his money into a film nobody wanted to see, starring in another flop film about some rats in a toilet and presenting a Sky game show about music lyrics. Which, we're pretty sure, is the same way Ralph Fiennes got so well-respected.

But now Shane Richie is ready to make the leap into the big time once more, with a remake of a show that everyone already got sick of once for Channel Five. That's right, after hearing about six or seven people comparing Alfie Moon to Arthur Daley, Shane Richie's going to star in Minder. The Times reports:

With his camel-hair coat, money-making schemes and dodgy motors, “Arfur” Daley embodied the Thatcherite entreprenurial spirit. His catch-phrases became common parlance… The ITV show continued with George Cole alone until 1994, and his role will go to Shane Richie, who played the publican Alfie Moon in EastEnders. Although no decision has been made on the “minder” role, the producers may ask Dennis Waterman, 59, to play some part in the new show… “Scripts are in development with a view to a series being commissioned later in the year,” said a Five spokesman. It could be ready this autumn.

Great. Can't wait to see those scripts. Scene one – Shane Richie gets fold of some interchangeable dodgy goods and tries to sell them while being all twinkly-eyed. Scene two – Shane Richie winks a lot and does that put-on Sid James laugh for 35 minutes solid until everyone around him gets bored, stands up and wanders off. Scene three – Shane Richie sings Everybody Wants To Rule The World and winks a lot. End credits. Commission x 12. 

There is one plus side to all this, though – Shane Richie's Minder will be on Channel Five. Which will at least keep him away from anything we're ever likely to actually watch.

Read more:

Revival of Minder will set the scene for a new Arthur Daley – Times