Have you heard about the live action version of Akira that’s going to hit the cinema screens? Isn’t that the most wonderful news you’ve ever heard? It’s not like the original was perfect or anything stupid like that.
There’s even better news! Supreme dullard Kristen Stewart has been offered a role in the Akira adaptation too! Ain’t that grand?
Yes. We live in a world where someone who has played a major part in the Twilight movies and they still get job offers, despite the fact they are so crashingly tedious that air stagnates around their head every time they slowly bat a dry eyelid. However, all is not lost. We have just the role for Kristen, should she land the Akira gig.
The Breaking Dawn actress is in line to play the part of Kei in Jaume Collet-Sera’s remake of the Manga classic, which is insultingly obvious. However, it isn’t a done deal yet and there’s still time for the producers to listen to us who really know what we’re talking about, regarding absolutely everything.
Before we get onto that, Helena Bonham Carter and Gary Oldman have also been offered roles as Lady Miyako and The Colonel, okay? Right.
And before we get to Kristen’s perfect role, there’s THE BRILLIANT news that the original setting of ‘Neo-Tokyo’ will changed to ‘New Manhattan’ for the remake.
That’s great isn’t it? Really kicking barrow-loads of joy into your day. Even stupid, beige-a-tron Keira Knightley has been linked to the film. You’ve seen the gripingly dreadful Domino? No? Go watch it immediately and then start a vendetta.
Anyway, because Kristen Stewart emotes like a mop-bucket which has had a stroke, there’s only one thing she’s going to be able to do convincingly.
And that is to be pumped up and mutated to the point where you’ll delight yourself with your ability to produce pre-sick water. THAT’S RIGHT! She should totally play the role of the transformed Tetsuo!
Christ. She could even make the following scene dull, couldn’t she?
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Robin Darke says
Unless she is playing one of the motorbikes, this probably won’t end well.
JoeMomma says
Maybe she could be one of the puss filled tentacles.