166 days after he went to prison for crashing his car spectacularly enough to require his friend John Graziano to receive constant medical attention, Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan has been released from jail. And, with soul-destroying inevitability, Nick Hogan is now thought to want a reality TV show about his life on the outside.

It’d be a good show, though, because Nick Hogan is bound to have been though new experiences during his jail sentence and sharing those experiences will be Nick Hogan’s way of giving something back. The only question is the name of the show – there’s already been a Hogan Knows Best and a Brooke Knows Best so… wait! We’ve got it! How about Nick Hogan Remembers Getting Anally Brutalised By An Arsonist? You know, provided that happened.

As all sorts of crappy films are wont to telling us, sometimes life can really change in an instant. And that couldn’t really be more true of Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Hogan.

One day, Nick Hogan was simply the alarmingly square-faced and overprivileged son of a professional wrestler, and then it all changed – the exact moment when Nick crashed his car during an alleged makeshift drag-race and injured his friend John Graziano to the extent where he’ll need medical care for the rest of his life was the exact moment when everything went wrong for everyone.

First there was the immediate knock-on of the crash – Nick Hogan went to jail for it, then ended up in solitary, then got sued by Graziano’s family which made him look even more of a callous sod than he did before. It must have been hard, but not as hard as what the crash did to his family life – his mother and father divorced in the wake of the crash, and then both started to get off with people his own age.

Harbouring the mental image of his mother – who looks disturbingly enough like a man as it is – having it away with someone who he went to school with is probably punishment enough for his crime, but now Nick Bollea has served the prison part of the punishment as well.

According to reports, Nick Hogan was released from Pinellas County Jail early this morning, two months before completing his sentence for good behaviour. While Nick Hogan hasn’t made a statement yet, his mother Linda has already done it for him, as MTV reports:

“This is our time as a family to come together to support Nick’s adjustment back into the public life, keeping it as normal as possible. Neither Nick, nor we as a family, has any interest in making this anything but private. We respect the media’s role and only ask that they respect our privacy. Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. His focus is to make a positive difference in this world, media-free. Since his future actions will speak louder than any words, there is no need to speak to the media at this time.”

Quite right. There is no reason to speak to the media – especially since doing that will nudge down the price that Nick Hogan can demand for his inevitable sad-faced OK! magazine covershoot and accompanying interview in a couple of months’ time.

And the matter of the reality TV show is still a bit fuzzy. Although Linda Hogan says that Nick’s life will be ‘media-free’ from now on, Nick himself was thought to be keen on finding a reality vehicle upon his release, and the TV networks are bound to be knocking at his door with offers soon. It might just better a matter of when, not if.

Besides, what can Nick Hogan do for a living other than star in reality TV shows? He’s probably not going to be accepted as a bus driver now, that’s for sure, and we’re not sure that the only other job he’s qualified for – using his skull as a template for industrial rectangular birdhouses – even exists.

Yes, he served three years in a Vietnamese prison for molesting young girls, but when he eventually gets back to Britain – where seemingly everyone in South East Asia is trying to make him go – he’s not going to be able to sit back, relax and record his new album as he said he wants to.

Though we are convinced that being a convicted kiddy fiddler wouldn’t stand in the way of chart success.

But Gary Glitter is making it all rather hard on himself, by refusing to travel back to the UK to face his further punishments. Instead he’s running about like a paedo-Benny Hill from airport to airport around the Asian region he was kicked out of, being turned away from one country then the next as everywhere locks arms with the sole purpose of keeping him out.

Now we’re all for human rights, we can be surprisingly liberal and we believe in equality for all – but we can’t help but find all this delightfully funny. No one likes you Glitter, and no one wants you.

After being released from prison on Tuesday, Glitter was placed on a flight that would connect him back to Britain. On reaching hecklerspray’s homeland he would be met by police who would – after presumably stopping him from getting lynched by an angry mob, like we’re so good at forming in this country – make the glam-rock-pederast sign the sex offender’s register. His location and movements would then be monitored in a very thought policey way, though he’s a convicted child molester so we can make an exception for that particular Orwellian nightmare.

That was the plan, at least.

Instead, Glitter made sure he missed the connecting flight from Bangkok to Blighty by feigning first a heart attack, then a sudden bout of tinnitus. After waiting in the transit lounge for 24 hours, he accepted the offer of a flight to Hong Kong – probably expecting no one to have heard of him, what with that particular region having no connection whatsoever with Great Britain.

So it must have come as a real shock when he was refused entry to Hong Kong and instead forced to board a flight back to Bangkok, lest he be arrested for illegally being in the country.

If it were anyone else you really might feel a twinge of sympathy for them… oh well.

According to The Sun – a newspaper that once printed a countdown to when an underage popstar would be legal, yet at the same time prides itself on being something of a moral crusader – Gary Glitter said this while on one flight:

“God, am I happy to be leaving Vietnam and that jail. I should never have been in there.”

Though unconfirmed, one report (that we just made up in our head) suggests a response to this was:

“Shut up you fat old paedo, shave that beard off that makes you look MORE like a paedo and stop doing dodgy things with kids. You paedo.”

Unfortunately it would seem that Glitter will have to return to his home nation at some point, and stupid international law dictates that we have to let him in. As Colonel Voravat Amornvivat stated:

“We have to expel him to Britain, his homeland and the only country which must allow him to enter as he’s a national.”

Oh well, at least we know that if he survives the inevitable lynching, the press won’t ever leave him alone. Plus his new album will probably be shit.

That is, unless you decide to go home and assault your mum and sister, as it was alleged Christian Bale had gone and done yesterday. That takes things a bit far, away from the Pacino not talking to people unless they address his character ’slight mentalness’ and well into the zone of ‘whoops he may well just be a bit odd in the head’.

But rejoice! For the Baler has bailed out of the cop shop pending further questioning!

Though that does mean he may go and strike again, if he did do anything in the first place. God knows the tabloids warn us of these repeat offenders in Gordon Brown’s Britain.

It must have been difficult for the police questioning Bale, what with his penchant for not revealing any personal information in interviews, ever. The fact that he makes a habit of staying in character – accents and all – beyond filming and throughout promotional tours may well have pushed the whole police grilling into the realms of farcical. You could say it was something of a Dark Knight for all involved.

Amid rampant speculation about how or why Bale may have attacked his family comes very little in the way of actual, concrete information. There has been speculation that he simply shouted at his mum after she said something about his wife. But Christian’s close relatives are keeping just as schtum as the Batman himself, so we are still in the dark.
This, of course, irritates us in the world of highbrow journalism at hecklerspray, as it means we don’t get to employ our nifty quote function. There is this though, a statement released by Bale’s lawyer Simon Smith – it works as an excuse to bring up those large quotation marks:

“Christian Bale attended a London police station today on a voluntary basis. Bale, who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question, and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police.”

No charges have been made as of yet, and Bale has been ordered to return for further questioning in September. That gives him nearly two months to roam the streets. Maybe all that time spent working with Russell Crowe on 3:10 To Yuma wasn’t a complete waste after all, and Christian took away some fine life lessons on things like phone hurling and general fighting round the world.

We can only hope that the release of Terminator Salvation, which stars Bale, isn’t hampered by a similar incident of alleged assault. Who knows? We can say one thing for certain about the Baler – he really is unpredictable.

However, Amy Winehouse has received a rare nugget of good news today – police have confirmed that Amy won’t be charged for that video of her apparently smoking crack like it’s going out of fashion.

What fantastic news! Now that this crack video palaver is out of her hair, all Amy Winehouse has to do is sort out her crumbling marriage, her multimillion-pound divorce, her drug addiction, her self-harming tendencies, her skin disease and literally single other thing regarding her personal and professional life and she’ll be almost completely back on track. Go Amy!

Nobody can really know what it’s like to be Amy Winehouse. That’s because to be like Amy Winehouse you have to be off your munch on crack most of the time, and if that’s the case you’re probably worrying too much about the heart attack you think you’re going to have to stop and think “Ooh, this must be what it’s like to be Amy Winehouse.”

But, hey, that’s just speculation. For all we know Amy Winehouse has never taken crack in her entire life. Yes, she’s taken cocaine, heroin, Ecstasy and ketamine to the point of a near-death overdose, but we can’t say for sure if she’s ever taken crack.

Yes, we know that The Sun secretly filmed Amy Winehouse smoking a crack pipe, and that as soon as the video was released Amy Winehouse checked into a crack clinic and that Amy Winehouse was recently arrested for smoking crack in that video of her smoking crack, but where’s the proof, eh?

There isn’t any. And that’s why the police have just let Amy Winehouse go without charge, as BBC News reports:

Singer Amy Winehouse will not face charges over a video that purported to show her smoking a crack cocaine pipe, police have confirmed. She was interviewed under caution by police in east London after the footage was posted online in January. “The Crown Prosecution Service has now reviewed the case and no further action is being taken,” a Metropolitan Police spokesperson said. “Amy is pleased to be able to move on,” her spokesman said.

Let’s hope this close shave with the law has helped teach Amy Winehouse a valuable lesson – next time anyone films her huffing frantically on a crack pipe, she should make sure that the video will only get sent to You’ve Been Framed and nowhere else. After all, if it’s shown on TV she’ll get £250, and that can buy you a lot of crack these days.

Yeah, allegedly. Whatever.

Read more:

No drug charges for Amy Winehouse - BBC

Released less than a month into his 14-week jail sentence, Pete Doherty is now a free man once again, much like Ronnie Barker from Going Straight except a bit less funny and/or dead.

Still, even 29 days in jail is long enough for someone to become institutionalised, which means in the next few days you might see pictures of Pete Doherty stumbling around looking a bit confused and unwashed. Don’t worry if you do – it means he’s completely back to normal. Thanks folks, we’re here all week.

By our understanding, Pete Doherty being sent to jail for 14 weeks meant that he’d be released on July 15. But Pete Doherty has been released and it’s not anywhere near July 15 yet. It had better not be, anyway, because if it was, that’d make tomorrow St Gondulphus’ day, and we haven’t even started making our traditional anti-Gondulphus hate banner yet. Talk about an oversight!

But anyway, back to Pete Doherty. You might not have realised it, since the dreary trickle of stories about him hasn’t dried up at all, but Pete Doherty has been in jail for the last 29 days. And this morning he was released, a full 70 days earlier than he was supposed to.

Nobody really knows why Pete Doherty got such an early release from prison – although hopefully it was because wardens caught him writing more rubbish prison poetry and chucked him out before he had enough to turn it into an actual book – but Pete knows one thing, and that’s he’s not having any of this jail cell heroin addiction talk. The NME quotes:

“I managed to stay clean. I got my certificate. I was going to Sellotape it to the wall, but they wouldn’t give me any Sellotape. Did I take heroin inside? Complete rubbish. The prison didn’t release statements – it’s their policy to ignore it rather than acknowledge it [media reports]. I was in segregation for the last three weeks. The call it the block. Supposedly I was in debt to loads of big time drug dealers. All I’ll say to that is: chance would be a fine thing.”

And if Pete Doherty didn’t take any heroin in jail, perhaps we can effectively rule out any other stereotypical prison behaviour from his as well. Maybe Pete didn’t get any tattoos, maybe he didn’t nurture an injured bird back to health, maybe he wasn’t anally brutalised in a washroom at any point, and maybe he didn’t learn his lesson and vow never to reoffend ever again. Who knows?

All that we can be sure of is that Pete Doherty is a free man, and he’d be wise to use this extra time to get his life back in order as quickly as possible. Unless or course that involves making a new album or singing in public again. If that’s the case, maybe he should consider getting back into a self-destructive spiral of drug abuse or something instead.

Read more:

Pete Doherty: ‘I stayed clean in prison’ - NME

Why are we interested in this girl? It surely hasn’t got anything to do with talent, has it?

At the beginning of the week, there was news of her being nominated for three Ivor Novello awards. A couple of days later she was named as the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’, which coincided with rumours of her assaulting two members of the general public, for which she was arrested for last night and cautioned for today, as well as coming tenth in the Sunday Times Young Music Millionaires list.

And now, according to The Sun, she doesn’t want her husband to be released from jail, she does want a divorce, and she’s falling in love with her manager’s assistant.

No wonder she’s allegedly on crack.

A source tells the Sun:

“She has been fed up for ages and saying she wants to call it a day. All Blake does is scream and shout at her on the phone from prison and curse at her and his family blame her and criticise her. The trial is coming up and as it gets nearer and nearer the thought that he could come out has been on her mind – and it’s not what she wants any more.”

It has also been suggested that Amy has started a new relationship with 24-year-old Alex Haynes, her manager’s assistant. An insider revealed:

“Alex is a good boy. He doesn’t smoke or take drugs. He isn’t a big drinker. Amy has really fallen for him.”

Why? They’ve got nothing in common. If he really loves her, he’d better pick up a pipe quickly. And just what kind of soul-singer wants their husband to remain in jail?

Amy is, of course, famed for singing about the happenings of her life, like the time she sang about the time she was asked to go to rehab but really, really, really didn’t want to. How is she gonna make a song about this last week?

Any part-time poets out there fancy making an offering below?

Read More – Winehouse ‘prepared to divorce husband’ – Digital Spy

Brady Green is accused of constantly leaving phone messages for Tyra Banks, sending her flowers and letters and turning up at her TV studio unannounced. Which, you know, is hardly sending her dildos or drawing threatening cartoons of her.

Worryingly, though, Brady Green is back on the streets after police charged and released him. Obviously the sensible thing would have been to lock him away in a nuthouse because, seriously, we didn't think anyone liked Tyra Banks at all, let alone enough to actually follow her around and stuff.

There's a fine line between being a fan of a celebrity and being a stalker. Ask for an autograph and you're a fan, but ask for a cheek swab so you can try and create little genetic replications of them and suddenly you're a stalker. If you send fanmail you're a fan, but seal the envelope with jizz and you're a stalker. Two lessons we won't be making again, and we'd like to take this chance once again to apologise wholeheartedly to Shakira.

Sometimes a stalker is quite clearly defined, like when they send you boxes of dildos or try to explode airports in your name, but what if someone just sends a few letters and bunches of flowers and phones you a bit and follows you around with a big bag full of magazine clippings of you and letters to themselves chronicling all the various unsuccessful times they've tried to contact you? Does that make them a stalker?

Apparently it does, because that's what one Tyra Banks fan has been doing and he got himself arrested for it, as E! Online reports:

A Georgia man accused of stalking the supermodel chat-show host was arrested last Tuesday after paying multiple unwanted visits to the New York studio that houses Banks' show… Cops were called to the studio and escorted Green off the premises; however, Green was spotted back outside the studio just three hours later. Cops once again returned to the scene, this time making the arrest. Green, who according to the New York Post first told police he was homeless, was charged with two counts of stalking, harassment and criminal trespass. He pleaded not guilty to all three charges in Manhattan Criminal Court the following day and was subsequently released by the judge on his own recognizance.

And it looks like Brady Green's days of stalking Tyra Banks are over, because he'd been hit with an interim restraining order to keep him away from her until his case comes up. And he wouldn't want to get in trouble.

We're no experts but, having watched Tyra's eccentric crackpot style of hosting of America's Next Top Model, we can't for the life of us work out why anyone would want to stalk her – unless of course they're conducting a scientific experiment to see what happens when someone as weird as Tyra Banks comes face to face with someone as weird as someone who'd want to stalk Tyra Banks. If that's the case, it's a good job Tyra and Brady never met – it'd probably open some hellish space/time wormhole that'd destroy the world or something.

Anyway, Brady Green didn't deserve to meet Tyra Banks because he obviously went about stalking Tyra Banks all wrong. Flowers and letters are for idiots – if you want Tyra Banks to like you, you just need to tell her that you don't think she's very fat. Forget meeting her, she'll probably want to get married to you after that.

Read more:

Alleged Tyra Stalker Back on Streets – E! Online 

That's not where the loss of civil rights comes in though. No, that comes with the news that The Game has been released from jail after serving just eight days of his 60-day sentence.

Eight days? That means The Game had to spend about one eighth of his jail sentence actually in jail. Don't these people know who The Game is? As a celebrity, his time locked up should have been strictly capped at a twelfth of the sentence, tops. Expect a really bloody angry enquiry any day now. 

We'd hate to imagine how The Game feels at the moment. After he was sentenced to 60 days in jail for threatening to shoot a man to death during a basketball game, The Game knew that he'd get to spend Easter in Los Angeles' Twin Towers Correctional Facility – the happiest time of the year to be incarcerated thanks to the presence of Easter Barry, basically a large man wearing homemade rabbit ears who gives each inmate an egg-sized clump of shit before stabbing them in the ribs.

But now The Game has been released just eight days after he first went to prison, and that meant the only festival he got to observe was Albanian Teacher's Day – a day marked in jail by Easter Barry pushing his own shit into everyone's hands and then stabbing them. Boring! No rabbit ears or anything.

Anyway, the point is that The Game is out of jail after a piffling eight days. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Rapper the Game has reportedly been released from jail, just eight days into his 60-day sentence. The star, real name Jayceon Taylor, was handed the prison term in February after pleading guilty to felony gun charges… But according to TMZ.com, the Game is now a free man after being released early from the Twin Towers Correctional Facility in California on Monday.

Now, although you might think The Game would be pretty chuffed at getting out of jail 52 days earlier than he thought he would, you need to consider the implications and the conflicting feelings he'll be experiencing. Yes, he's a free man, but the justice system didn't smile as kindly on him as it did with Nicole Richie. Not only that, but by released early at all, The Game has proved himself to be less gangsta than Paris Hilton. Talk about being caught between two shitheads.

Ultimately, though, The Game's early release from jail was for the best. He now has to complete 150 hours of community service, and that will force him to actively improve his surroundings instead of just idly sitting around swapping bomb-making tips with criminals which would have happened if he'd have stayed in the slammer.

But best of all, eight days in jail was no time for The Game to pen his drearily inevitable jail album, sparing us all the agony of having to actually listen to it. Now, at worst, we only have to put up with The Game's concept EP, Eight Dayz In Tha Pound.

Read more:

The Game Released From Jail - SFGate 

Anyway, by now you've probably guessed that Britney Spears has been given an early release from her padded room in the psychiatric hospital where she was being held. And you probably also guessed that, now she's been medically classified as Gravely Disabled, the paparazzi and press would back off and let her recover out of basic human decency.

And you're right – Britney Spears' release was only followed by 20 car-swarming paparazzi, two news helicopters and everyone watching the live feed of Britney leaving the hospital and driving through Los Angeles on TV at home. Which is sort of backing off a bit, right? No? Fair enough.

Funny how things work out, isn't it? Less than a week ago we were all being told that Britney Spears was so mentally unwell that she wasn't even able to feed or dress herself and that her two-week stay in the UCLA psychiatric hospital was so fraught with danger that Britney's accommodation was a padded room replete with a leather-strapped bed in case she got too fighty. And now Britney Spears has been released from hospital already because she's all better.

Which seems a bit, you know, quick.

Anyway, this is how the New York Daily News reported Britney Spears' breakout:

In a surprise move, Britney Spears was sprung from the UCLA Medical Center mental ward Wednesday and immediately began driving her new black Mercedes-Benz coupe around Los Angeles, leading a pack of paparazzi on a low-speed chase. The surreal scene of the deranged diva smoking cigarettes as she tried to ditch the shutterbugs during the afternoon rush hour was followed by at least two news helicopters and broadcast live on Los Angeles TV… "The doctors decided that as long as she's taking her medication – which she has been doing – Britney is no longer a threat," a source close to Spears' family told Life & Style magazine.

So that's great – Britney Spears is a free woman again, she's not so mentally ill that she's a danger to herself and that man who apparently mashed drugs into her food has been banned from getting too close to her for the time being. Plus Britney's Dad is still in control of all her stuff, so everything's great, right? This is a happy ending for all involved. And Britney Spears' parents have given a statement to express just how joyful they actually are about this news:

"As parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed this morning to learn that over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, our daughter Britney was released from the hospital that could best care for her and keep her safe. We are deeply concerned about our daughter's safety and vulnerability and we believe her life is presently at risk."

Oh, OK, maybe 'joyful' wasn't the exact word we were looking for.

So what now for Britney Spears? Clearly she's still not mentally great – she's already hanging out with her creepy paparazzo boyfriend again – and it looks like no lessons have been learnt by anyone involved whatsoever.

The paparazzi seem to be just as determined to drive Britney Spears as close to the edge of suicide as possible in order to get a semi-decent photograph of her even though they know she's in the most dangerous state of her life, and Britney Spears seems to still be intent on courting them by endlessly driving around LA with her windows down so that she can chat to them in a confusing British accent each time she stops at a set of lights.

And we count ourselves in this, too – we haven't learnt any lessons at all. Not a single one. We still think that Schizophrenia is the capital of Sweden. And, thus, the circle of life goes on.

Read more:

Britney Spears released from hospital – NY Daily News 

Kiefer Sutherland was released from jail just a few hours ago, having served all 48 of his 48-day sentence for DUI. And, now he's out, Kiefer Sutherland gets to wear his 'full sentence served' badge like a war medal around his prematurely-released ex-con celebrity counterparts.

Obviously the only celebrity other than Kiefer Sutherland to serve their full sentence recently was Paris Hilton. We think this means that Kiefer will end up painted gold in a desert for a canned champagne advert soon or something.

Perhaps the worst casualty of the writers' strike is us. Forget the sacked below-the-line crew members and the striking writers themselves, thanks to the strike the new season of 24 has been indefinitely postponed. And it looked like Tony Almeida was going to be the baddie, too. The bastards.

But, still, at least Kiefer Sutherland found something to keep his mind occupied during the strike – he went to jail. After his DUI arrest in September, roughly his billionth drink-driving arrest in the last couple of years or so, Kiefer Sutherland found himself looking at a 48-day jail sentence.

But while the majority of celebrity jail sentences last for three and a half seconds to make sure that they can't collate enough material to write their cash-in prison diaries, Kiefer Sutherland spent the whole sentence banged up. And in doing so, Kiefer managed to spend his birthday in jail, Christmas day in jail, the new year in jail and – perhaps most traumatically of all – the feast day of Barba'shmin in jail.

But just after midnight LA time, Kiefer Sutherland became a free man once again. People reports:

The actor left at 12:05 a.m., according to jail spokesman John Balian. "[Kiefer] looked like he was glad to be out," said Balian, who added that the actor was wearing a shirt and jeans when he left, and took home whatever personal belongings he originally brought with him. "Throughout his stay, he never griped, never complained," Balian previously said. "He never wanted preferential treatment from the get go, and we respect him for that."

Just because Kiefer Sutherland is no longer in jail, though, it doesn't mean that his sentence is over. By driving his car drunk, Kiefer potentially endangered a number of lives, and that's something he'll be legally obliged to remember for a long time. As well as a five-year probation, Kiefer Sutherland will also be required to attend an 18-month alcohol education course and he's been ordered into weekly therapy sessions for six months as well.

But don't worry if you think that therapy will change Kiefer's lovably raucous persona – if 20 months of Chinese torture couldn't make him talk, the 24 hour-long chats with a disinterested shrink won't change his ways.

However, the repercussions of Kiefer Sutherland's probation will affect all of us in an unexpectedly horrific way. Kiefer Sutherland is out of jail and without a hit TV show to star in and a court-ordered obligation not to spend his free time getting trashed on booze, and that means the likelihood of Kiefer Sutherland making movies again has just shot up. And we all remember The Last Days Of Frankie The Fly well enough to not take this news lightly.

Read more:

Kiefer Sutherland Released From Jail – People

Although Michelle Rodriguez started her 180-day jail sentence for probation violation just over a fortnight ago, it has been reported that she was last night set free for good behaviour. In total Michelle Rodriguez served just 17 days of her six-month sentence.

Michelle should count herself lucky – one day longer and she'd have had to suffer through a full 10 percent of her sentence. Imagine how hellish that would be.

Remember when Michelle Rodriguez went to jail for six months a couple of days before Christmas? Aside from the fact that it meant policeman could work over Christmas without a lairy mannish-looking woman from the Dominican Republic stumbling up to them and ordering them to put a gun to her fucking head, what do you remember most about it?

Was it, say, that Michelle Rodriguez was found to be ineligible for either work furloughs or house arrest and had to – absolutely had to – serve out the entire six months of her jail sentence, all of it, from beginning to end, with not even a sniff an early release?

Funny that, because that's what we remember about it, too.

Not that anything like that matters, though, because Michelle Rodriguez's 180-day sentence for skipping community service from a previous conviction and drinking with a SCRAM anklet has been cut to just 17 days, and she was released last night. People reports:

Michelle Rodriguez was released from the Lynwood, Calif., jail Wednesday night after serving just 17 days of her 180-day sentence… The 29-year-old actress got out at 7:50 p.m., according to her official web site.

17 days? 17 measly days? That's rubbish. Honestly, what's a decent self-respecting female inmate like Michelle Rodriguez supposed to accomplish in 17 poxy days? That's only enough time to get you a brown belt in shiv-fencing at best, plus it's nowhere near the amount of time that Michelle Rodriguez's body needed to build up an immunity to the biro-ink tattoo performed with a spit-sterilised needle that she was planning to give herself. 

Still, Michelle Rodriguez's early jail release hold an important moral for all of us – if you're going to break the law, then do it in Los Angeles. And it helps if you're the shit one from Lost as well.

Read more:

Michelle Rodriguez Out of Jail – Early! – People