Lindsay Lohan isn’t as much fun as she used to be. Remember when she was constantly full of drink and drugs, having sex with everyone, stealing jewels and getting accused of assault and battery? Those were good days.

Sadly, she seems to have straightened herself out… BUT WAIT!

See, LiLo has been doing her community service, hauling her speckled self around a morgue! Ostensibly, Judge Stephanie Sautner wants her to fix herself by warping her mind with dead bodies. Get the feeling that we’ll be seeing good ol’ Insane Lohan again in the future?

In a bid to mend the broken insides of Lindsay Lohan, the law has required her to complete 12 morgue visits and 4 psychotherapy sessions by Tuesday’s court hearing. That’s more dead body contact than psychiatric help. How wonderful!

While at the morgue, Lohan has been a model employee, which clearly means that she’s falling in love with all the stiffs.

After tomorrow’s hearing, Lindsay will be at the halfway mark of her probation, which means that she’ll have to complete ANOTHER 12 morgue visits and 4 therapy classes.

She’s going to be barking mad by the time the law is done with her.

And the best thing is, should she mess up, she’ll find herself being sent to prison for 270 days, which will absolutely erode whatever semblance of human is left in there.

She doesn’t stand a chance does she?

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over  by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

The photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, told ambulance chasing TMZ, that the actress is being chased in this particular legal case because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

Feel free to arch an eyebrow at that.

Steiner says that he’s contacted Lindsay’s insurance company to settle the claim but they only made an ‘insignificant offer’.

Of course, there’s nothing funny going on here.

No-one is trying to milk a situation for all it’s worth. The lawyer insisted he is only seeking ‘reasonable compensation’ for his client, who was medically treated for orthopaedic and neurologic injuries following the incident, which took place on January 10, 2010.

This definitely isn’t a case of targeting someone who might want to throw money at a scenario because they’re worried about a judge hauling them back into court to send them to prison for previous misdemeanours.

Definitely, definitely not that.

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she’s a moron. That’s the only possible reason why she emerged from a tattoo parlour this week permanently marked with the phrase: Live Without Regrets.

The starlet drunken car crash is said to have told pals that she’s ‘at a great point in her life and wanted to do something she’d always remember’.

Who wouldn’t want to remember the first second third time they got their vag out for the public? At least this time it was sponsored by Playboy and not 12 Jagerbombs and an hour in the powder rooms

And while there’s talk that she could be playing Liz Taylor in a flick (a mental harridan portraying an older, equally dead-eyed lunatic), her work shouldn’t ever be considered as inspiration for a tattoo.

Other possible highlight from 2011 that Lindsay might want to commemorate:

• Racking up $1.4m in legal fees
• Losing $10,000 cash at a house party
• Being photographed French-kissing her own mother
• Having her dad tell everyone that she’s ‘either smoking crack or meth’
• Being sentenced to 30 days in jail
• Getting fitted with a new set of teeth to make her look less of a meth-head
• Spending over $90,000 on limos
• Being accused of having an affair with married man Vikram Chatwal
• Threatening to sue Pitbull, Dania Ramez and Mena Suvari,
• Being caught shoplifting a necklace
• Getting sued for assault and battery

To be fair, we only went as far back as far as July 2011 before we got bored of thinking of reasons why 2011 was ‘a great point of her life’.

It’s entirely possible that she saved some nuns, puppies and orphans from a house fire previous to this.

Lindsay darling, when most people are at a point in their lives they want to remember, they take a Polaroid. They don’t sketch the phrase on their hands like that vigilante from Memento.

There’s nothing good about this tattoo – the hand writing looks like it was scrawled by a drunken crack w- oh, oh wait, we get it now.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik and, most likely, she’s gonna kick you into a coma.

Good ol’ Lindsay Lohan. She’s spectacularly hapless isn’t she? You could leave her on an infinitely smooth surface, devoid of any life and, somehow, she’d still end up getting arrested with illegal articles about her person.

She’s a godsend for pondscum like us.

And now, tremendously, she’s threatening to kill people and missing $10,000 from a Chanel purse because, no matter how hard she tries, she simply can’t avoid melodrama and vague trouble. Still, at least we can all gawp at her leaked Playboy nudes, right?

See, LiLo was left irked after her purse got pinched. In leaked audio footage, the Mean Girls actress (we have to keep saying ‘Mean Girls star’ because she’s really done nothing of note since then) can be heard spitting that she’ll “f**king kill someone” if it means she has to go back to jail.

Basically, her passport, some documents and ID was swiped in her hideously expensive bag, which meant that she wouldn’t have been able to get back to Los Angeles in time for her next court date.

That could’ve meant a judge sending her to the slammer.

During the clip obtained by TMZ, Lindsay can be heard saying:

“This is not good. I will f**king kill someone if I even have to get questioned.”

Alas, her bag was eventually recovered along with her documents. Smartly, whoever stole the bag managed to keep a tidy $10,000 for themselves. Nice job Thiefo.

And while all this was going on, the rest of the world was ogling LiLo’s leaked Playboy nudes, which marvellously means that no-one needs to buy a copy now.

Who wants to buy actual magazines these days when you have brilliant sites like this to yoink all the good stuff for you, eh?

Have a look. And no, they are totally not safe to view at work. Or NSFW if you’ve been skim reading.

Images found here. They have more photographs too. Go sue them if you have a problem. Thanks.

Everybody knows that, if you want to really, really, really convey gravitas, pink pen is the way to do it. Suicide note? Pink pen. Will? Pink pen. Dear John letter? Pink pen. First draft of Mein Kampf? Pink pen, preferably glittery.

And so, it has been discovered that Lindsay Lohan’s journal is written in the pinkest of pens. That’s because she’s a girl and all girls always write in pink pen, in their pink diaries, in their pink Hello Kitty bedrooms.

So what’s this about gravitas? Well, if you want the world to hear about your love affair with Heath Ledger and his subsequent death? Pink pen.

See, LiLo isn’t all (the following are alleged for the sake of spying lawmen) stealing jewels, punching people in rehabs, lesbian trysts, class A drugs, falling down drunk, ankle tags, sex toy ranges and getting your boobies out for Hugh Hefner.

Hell no. Lindsay is a real person, with real feelings and a pink biro.

In a joint investigation, Star and RadarOnline have told the world that Lohan uses a pink pen to write in her diary. Of course, the words she’s written in pink aren’t always fluffy and cute.

In a copy of LiLo’s 2008 journal which they’ve somehow obtained, the freckled thesp expresses deep romantico-sexual feelings for Heath Ledger. Her soul was all entwined like mating slugs hanging from a branch by their sexy mucus.

In the journal, LiLopalooza wrote:

“Today Heath died”

“I’m in love with him. . . . He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

Grieving widow, Michelle Williams, must be absolutely thrilled at this news. Next week, we explore why Hollywood is so bloody incestuous.

It’s good to be writing trash about Lindsay Lohan again. For a moment, it looked like she was going to start being well-behaved and no-one wants that. Premature death, arrest, drug-use – all those things are fine. Being a goodytwoshoes? Who cares?

And since she got her ankle tag off, she’s been doing a nudie photoshoot for Playboy, which is thrilling for all concerned.

Better yet, is that some scamp has decided to leak the cover which features Lohan and her boobies are there and a red chair and… why don’t you see for yourself over the jump?

The rabble-rousing actress was last on these pages as a potential sex-toy (click here for more on the LiLdo) and now she’s going to be the affections of a million trouser botherers.

On the cover, you’ll see LiLo straddling a Playboy bunny shaped chair, with her long, flowing breasts all there, complete with black heels.

Remember folks. If you insist on wearing footwear when naked, never EVER let the things on your feet be white tube socks, okay?

Anyway, it is widely rumoured that Lohan was paid $1 million for the shoot and it was going to be revealed – remarkably – on the Ellen DeGeneres show on December 15th.

We’ll show it off instead.

Of course, we’re too thick to actually hack an account and leak something. A random internet search showed these people showing it off. They’re one of many. So if anyone is thinking of suing us, go see the Metro newspaper first eh? No-one actually enjoys reading that, so go book ‘em Danno!

Speaking about the snaps, which appear in the January/February issue of the magazine, Hefner spoke about the inspiration behind the shots.

“It’s a classic tribute, inspired by the original Tom Kelley nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe. [It's] classy, very classy”

“It turned out very well. I would say that I had some reservations early on, but after a couple of false steps, everybody came on board and it’s going to be very exciting”

Marilyn Monroe? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. We’re sick of the bloody sight of her.

In fairness to Michelle Williams, she really does have a brilliant haircut. However, you don’t want to hear us being nice about a woman’s barnet. You want us to be snarky and nasty. Don’t worry reader, it’s coming.

See, as good as Williams’ hairdo is, it’s still weird. Chilling in fact.

You see, her hair isn’t a fashion statement. She’s not thinking ‘Hell, I really like this Mia Farrow thing I’ve got going on‘, but rather, her hair is a memorial. You heard. It’s a tribute to the dead. She’s got corpse loving hair.

Apparently, Williams’ daughter – Matilda – wants her to grow her hair, but that’s not happening. Even if Matilda waltzes in fury about it, pounding her tiny little fists on her giant bed, shouting ‘…BUT ALL THE OTHER MOMS HAVE LONG LADY HAIR! NOT LIKE YOU AND YOUR SHORT BOY HAIR! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE YOU!’

That’s how celebrity offspring talk, isn’t it?

However, Michelle has an immense guilt-trip to beat all tantrums.

In an interview with Elle, Michelle said that the only people that like her haircut are “gay men and my girlfriends” and that straight men “across the board are not into this hair!”

She explains:

“I cut it for the one straight man who has ever liked short hair, and I wear it in memorial of somebody who really loved it…”

She’s talking about Heath Ledger. Remember that guy? He died and instantly became a much better actor.

“I feel like myself with short hair. And it’s been a really long time since I had long hair, five years.”

“What Matilda would love is for her mum to grow out the cropped hair. Though that’s unlikely to happen any time soon.”

GOT THAT? She’s still grieving AND she has a cool haircut.

NOW RACK OFF.

Unless you’re pointing out that she is happy to cover her touching tribute with a wig when she’s playing Marilyn Monroe, in which case, SHUT UP ANYWAY.

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When you need money, you need money, right? We’ve all, at some point, turned our mothers in to become prostitutes when we’ve needed money to buy rolling tobacco and cans of Spesh. However, when you’re a celebrity, you simply turn yourself in.

How wonderful that must be.

And Lindsay Lohan, fresh off the back of accepting a large cheque to bare her boobies in Playboy, could well be going into the sex toy industry. Could it be a lifesize Lohan doll you can have your way with? Or will it be a contraption called ‘The Parent Trap’, which is like a Chinese finger trap, for genitals?

Apprently, LiLo has been offered $1 million to launch her very own line of bedroom toys.

There’s a lot of themes you could play with when designing these things. A diamond-encrusted one, akin to the jewels she stole from that shop! Or maybe, one that smells of a boozy burp in rehab? Or a particularly large vibrator that makes you screw your face up like a mean girl?

The best, of course, would be the handcuff set, completely with sexy judge’s wig.

Not sure you’d want to see a line that is based on her current community service work at the Los Angeles County Morgue. Takes allsorts though.

No. The offer, as it stands, is from a sex toy manufacturer who want a mould of LiLo’s genitals so that… well… if you need telling what comes next, then it’s time for you to start using the internet properly.

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Boob enthusiasts may want to take note of this article. Y’see, Lindsay Lohan appears to be getting her freckled bangers out in the fresh air while someone photographs them, so we can use them for our own nefarious purposes.

That’s right. Provided she doesn’t end up someone’s prison bitch any time soon, LiLo is doing a nude photoshoot for Playboy.

She’ll be getting nearly a million dollars for it, which means that each of her boobs is worth more than an entire you.

Hugh Hefner will be trying to forget about that painful, failed marriage and offering Lindsay lots of money to get ‘em out for us.

Maybe she’ll use the money to get her teeth fixed?

According to sources, the shoot started over the weekend, which means that Linds must be juggling her morgue duties with getting naked. Hopefully, the shoot is taking place amongst the cadavers, just for interest of course.

Of course, we’ve all seen Lindsay Lohan’s busters before. She flopped them out in Robert Rodriguez’s Machete as well as posing boobful as icon Marilyn Monroe for New York magazine in 2008.

While this is all well and good, we much prefer the drug-taking, getting into fights in rehab, always drunk, jewel stealing Lohan that was constantly on our radar for all those years.

Better than nothing.

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Lindsay Lohan has, once again, been troubling the media outlets with her presence again. Basically, she’s not being fulfilling her court-order and dodging her community service. At the same time, she’s been spotted with little stumpy teeth.

That’s right. All her pegs are falling out of her mouth and it’s kinda funny.

Even funnier is that she’s probably going to be sent by a judge to a place filled with dead-bodies. Will people be able to tell her apart from the rotting cadavers, leaving her being slammed into one of those refrigerated filing cabinets with a note on her toe? We can only hope.

Lohan’s got yet-to-be-completed work at the Los Angeles County Department of Coroner. That may sound duller than ditch water, but it’s an exciting three-building complex that houses more corpses than Charlie Manson’s daydreams.

It really is a wonderful place. You should visit.

While she’s there, Lohan will have to do a bunch of lousy activities. A spokesman for the cadaver factory says:

“The people who come here to perform community service are generally engaged in custodial or janitorial duties.”

“They also do some other tasks, such as laundry…essentially, emptying trash cans, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, restocking bathrooms, basic custodial stuff.”

Surrounded by dead bodies! HURRAY! And we can only imagine what you’d find in a trashcan that is held in corpse central.

Just imagine emptying a bin full of rotten fingers. JUST PICTURE THAT. Enjoying your lunch?

She may also have to prepare the plastic sheets they wrap up the bodies in. Ain’t that grand?

Don’t worry too much for LiLo. She’s amazingly reckless and wealthy so she’ll get over it. If she doesn’t, she’ll hit the sauce again and end up on these very pages after she’s got in loads of trouble with everyone.

It really is win-win.

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Marilyn Monroe is a godsend for people who can’t be truly bothered to think of someone who is really beautiful. She’s short-hand for good looking and, mercifully for her legacy, she died too young so we didn’t get to see the ravages of time mess up that face of hers.

Of course, Monroe was quite the wit too, helping thousands of lazy people to avoid thinking of their own excuses for being flaky, and so they simply cut and paste ‘I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best,’ on to their terrible blogs.

And now, we’re about to get Monroemania all over again as the promo for Michelle Williams turn as Norma Jean begins with the trailer for ‘My Week With Marilyn’… and yep, we’ve got the trailer over the hump. Can Williams pull it off?

Tackling one of the most famous actresses who ever lived is no easy task, but if there’s Oscars to be had, then Williams will be in with a shout as Hollywood saps totally buy into the notion that Williams totally knows the trials and pain of Marilyn’s broken heart, what with Heath Ledger dying on her.

It’s tragedy wrapped in frailty, with Monroe being passed off as some kind of damaged little thing, like some kind of Blanche Dubois from A Streetcar Named Desire.

It can’t lose, can it?

And so, all that’s left to judge is whether Michelle Williams looks enough like the star (she does) and whether she wiggles, walks and talks like her (ummm, we’ll see).

If she can pull it off, she’s in for a smash.

Anyway, here’s the trailer. Watch it and make your own minds up. We’re not wiping your rears for you all day, y’know?

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Lindsay Lohan may want to walk away from trouble, but the fact is, trouble isn’t prepared to let her go. Trouble, in this instance, is like a jealous ex who won’t let her get on with her life because he knows that LiLo is super fun when she’s evading the law and falling flat on her face, hammered on cheap cocktails.

And so, after a really boring house-imprisonment, it looked like Lohan was going to start working on films again and giving us leeches absolutely nothing to write about.

AND THEN! PRAISE BE! Remember that woman who said LiLo smacked her upside her head in rehab? She’s back. And she’s back with a million dollar lawsuit!

The star of (the very underrated) Mean Girls was accused of lamping Dawn Holland during her time at the Betty Ford clinic in California, where she was not only serving three months of judge-ordered treatment, but apparently sloping off and getting drunk as a bag of alcoholics with chums.

We like it when she pointlessly rebels against things. That’s what famous people are supposed to do.

Holland claimed that Lohan attacked her, but alas, got the sack for blabbing about what went on behind closed doors. It’s not exactly cricket to talk about the things that go on in a rehab (but we’re eternally grateful that she did).

Holland took her complaint to police, only to later dropped the claims. This is because everyone mouthed ‘bullshit’ at her and someone, somewhere said ‘let us go and get the CCTV tapes shall we?’

However, the rehabber realised that even a slim chance of pinning something on LiLo would likely result in a rather large amount of money making its way to her presumably beleaguered bank account, and as such, has now kicked off a brand new lawsuit.

She’s alleging that Linds was violent towards her when she tried to jam a breathalyzer test in the actresses gob, which resulted in the very sexy sounding event of “twisting and pulling it for 8-10 seconds”.

Out of court settlement anyone?

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Queen Trash, Lindsay Lohan, has had her feet up at home while under arrest for sorta stealing a necklace. It really has been one of the most boring arrests in history. No prison memoirs, no rioting in the food hall, no violence, no drugs… just a weary unfurling of office admin and vague inconvenience.

This is underlined by the fact that everyone is so desperate to liven up this sorry tale that they’re just shouting words at her house and hoping that something sticks by magic.

The latest trick is to imply that Lohan is rattling around her house going slightly mad and drinking all day long to stave off the boredom like some jaded doley who is sick of daytime television and bored of all her video games. However, the truth is much duller than that.

Everyone has been sniffing her breath in the hope that it reeks of cheap gin, but alas, LiLo is at pains to point out that she’s only been drinking tea.

The barely-a-furore has been provoked by her taking of a dirty test (not even vaguely similar hecklerspray‘s ‘dirty test’ which involves various ‘toys’, ‘films’ and poppers) which found an amount of alcohol in her system that was so small that even a flea would be safe to operate heavy machinery after consuming it.

See, Lohan has quaffing kombucha tea again which has an alcohol content less than .05%. That’s a pathetic amount of burp for your buck.

Either way, to make this story even more pointless, judges have said that Lindsay is completely allowed to drink as much booze as she likes while under house arrest, so all this doesn’t matter one jot.

Astonishing.

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It has finally happened. A celebrity has actually gone and banned us from rummaging through their bins, standing silently on their lawn and breaking into their house to sniff the laundry basket and fall asleep, face down, with their undergarments on our faces.

That celebrity is Lindsay Lohan.

See, on Wednesday, she won a two-year restraining order against a man she says sent her delusional phone text messages and left chocolates at her door. We say, in our defence, that we thought she might like some chocolates and that we only sent pally text messages because we thought she understood us and wasn’t like the other celebrities. She’s special. She’s the one. But no! She had to change all that didn’t she? She had to go and stamp on our heart! SHE HAD TO CHANGE EVERYTHING! IT IS ALL DIFFERENT NOW! NO MORE MISTER NICE BLOGGER! OH, YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DID THIS! YOU’LL BE GETTING NO MORE CHOCOLATES FROM HECKLERSPRAY!

Unbelievably, some stupid LAngeles Superior Court Judge called Joseph Biderman, who doesn’t understand the connection we have with Lindsay Lohan… and she feels it too… we know she does… she’s only saying this because of those people that surround her, dripping poison against us in her ear… we’ll reunite though… this temporary restraining order won’t stop hecklerspray! We’re sorry we snapped at you earlier. We know it isn’t your fault.

We’re just angry. Really, really angry.

Anyway, weirdly, this stupid judge refers to us as ‘David Cocordan’, which is obviously the name of the operation they’ve got against us. Ha! They’ve got an operation against us! Why? Just because we love LiLo? And she loves us too. Of course she does. You can see it in her eyes. We’re pretty sure we heard her mutter our name in her sleep when we silently stood over her bed in the middle of the night.

You should see Lohan sleeping. She looks so peaceful. Like an angel. We wanted to keep her that way forever. We would lie by her side, both wrapped in the invisible cloak of loving suffocation, both setting sail to a better place. A PLACE WHERE STUPID JUDGES AND HANGERS-ON DON’T TRY AND COME BETWEEN US!

She liked the drawing we did of her too. We know she did. That’s why she sent it back to us. To let us know she’d used it in a moment of ‘private love’. LOVE FOR HECKLERSPRAY

Because Lohan LOVES HECKLERSPRAY, she did not attend the court hearing. Instead, she stayed in her house with her ankle tag on, thinking about the injustice taking place across town. Her people WHO POISON HER AGAINST US knew she wouldn’t be able to attend court to defend us because of her being under house arrest.

THEY say that we contacted her with more than 100 unwanted phone calls and sexually explicit text messages and had been doing it since 2009. HA! SHOWS HOW MUCH THEY KNOW! HECKLERSPRAY AND LINDSAY HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP SINCE 2007! HA!

This isn’t over because this love is willing to DIE for Linsday.

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Now that Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest, she’s probably turned into a bit of a borebag. Her life has gone from wildly reckless and grottily glamorous to that of a student, loafing about and switching channels on the TV while sat in greasy undercrackers.

Gone are the days when she’d have sex with either gender, toot drugs, get into fist fights and steal necklaces by accident. The current situation is in danger of becoming worthy, to the point of dull.

But wait! Her ankle tag has started bleeping! Does that mean she’s been sloping off in the night to indulge in some wild times, brimming with strong booze and class A drugs that are so strong it could make a mountain weep?

Of course not. This is LiLo 2.0 and she’s about as interesting as a soap dish these days.

See, it appears that Lohan’s house-arrest electronic monitoring system has gone on the blink, meaning that the only ray of hope we all have, in terms of this being a vaguely interesting story, is that she’s timing the beeps with swear words when she speaks, leaving her sounding like a pre-watershed television show, or indeed, that the constant digital pips are driving her mad, to result in a murderous spree.

As yet though, all that is happening is that probation officials have to visit her to make sure that their equipment is working properly. Nice for those guys, if they’re into meeting famous people.

So what did they see when they arrived at her Venice townhouse? Was it like the Somme, bodies strewn all over the place, blood spattered walls and the remnants of animal carcasses offered to some false god?

Nope. She was watching her 3-D TV, reading scripts and posing for tabloid photographs on her rooftop patio.

Don’t blame us for wasting your time. This is all the fault of Lindsay Lohan. Doesn’t she realise that she’s got an obligation to raise hell all the time, even if it is to her detriment? We need stories to write you selfish, preening shit.

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