The Oscar nominations are being announced today, and Sandra Bullock looks likely to earn a best actress nod.

Hooray! However, the Razzie nominations were announced yesterday, and Sandra Bullock has definitely earned a worst actress nomination.

Hooray! They’re for different films, of course – Sandra Bullock will get her Oscar nomination for The Blind Side, a slushy real-life drama about an American footballer we’ve never heard of; and the Razzie nomination is for All About Steve, a film where Sandra Bullock plays a boot-obsessed crossword compiler who falls down a hole. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Oh, we’ve lost the ability to tell.

You want to know how in-demand Sandra Bullock is at the moment? She’s so in demand that, of the three films she made last year, two have been recognised by prestigious award ceremonies. The Blind Side won Bullock a Golden Globe and a front-runner shot at winning at Oscar, and now All About Steve has won Sandra Bullock a Razzie nomination. That just leaves The Proposal, the film where Sandra Bullock dances around in the woods while chanting about how sweaty her balls are, which somehow hasn’t been acknowledged by any ceremony.

This news now makes the first week of March vital for Sandra Bullock, and pretty important for the rest of us. Here’s why – if Bullock wins an Oscar for The Blind Side, she’ll inevitably decide to make more slushy, boring, pointless, real-life dramas about boring people doing things that nobody cares about. But if she wins a Razzie for All About Steve, she’ll be too embarrassed to make any more horrible romantic comedies. Here are all the different outcomes we can expect from Sandra Bullock next month:

If Sandra Bullock wins both or neither awards: The awards, or lack of them, will cancel each other out. So it’s business as usual. Sandra Bullock will continue to alternate between making identical rom-coms and bad daytime TV-style dramas for housewives until either the day she dies or the plastic surgeon physically cannot tighten her facial skin any more.

If Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar only: We’re in trouble. Sandra Bullock will become an Oscar Winning Actress, and will therefore only make long, ponderous films about domestic abuse or disabled people or fat murderesses or Afghanistan. She will chant about her sweaty balls in none of them.

If Sandra Bullock wins a Razzie only: She’ll be out of options. She’ll stop making dramas because people didn’t like The Blind Side enough to give her an Oscar, and she’ll stop making comedies because people hated All About Steve so much that they gave her a Razzie. What does this leave for Sandra Bullock? Simple – action films. If this is what happens in March, you can guarantee that the next two films that Sandra Bullock makes will be The Net 2: iChat Of Terror or a third Speed movie that’s set on an out-of-control Segway. This must not happen.

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Awards ceremonies like the Razzies exist to perform an important function – mainly to tell us that Mike Myers isn’t funny any more.

Gee, thanks Razzies! But while we await the Razzies’ next profoundly original thought – something tells us it’ll involve bears and woods – let’s reflect on Saturday night’s Razzies, where Mike Myers’ The Love Guru managed to win Worst Picture, Worst Actor and Worst Screenplay.

A clean sweep for The Love Guru? Hardly – because yet again, Jessica Alba managed to avoid getting a Worst Actress award. Hey Razzies, she’s not going to marry just because you only think she’s marginally abominable.

Because of the Oscars, today is about success. Well, no, to be accurate last night was about success – today is either about hangovers, empty-handed bitterness or the life-destroying realisation that Mickey Rourke mistook you for a lady and rogered you silly in a toilet while you were tipsy on complimentary champagne.

But Saturday? Saturday was all about failure. Glorious, near-superhuman failure. That’s because Saturday was Razzies day, and only the worst of the worst can win at the Razzies. You want to win a Golden Raspberry? Then you’d better make a film about a woman skidding around on her menstrual blood in a chemist, hadn’t you?

Sadly, nobody in the last 12 months had got round to making a film as spectacularly horrible as Dirty Love, but that just left the field wide open for The Love Guru, Mike Myers’ shockingly unfunny comedy which was the early favourite to clean up at the Razzies thanks to its four billion nominations.

And on Saturday night, The Love Guru didn’t disappoint. BBC News reports:

Mike Myers’ comedy flop The Love Guru has dominated the Golden Raspberries, the spoof prizes awarded to the worst Hollywood movies of the year. The film won Razzies for worst picture, worst actor – for Myers in the title role – and worst screenplay, in the annual eve-of-Oscars mock-ceremony. In a rare double, socialite Paris Hilton “won” prizes for worst actress and supporting actress.

Did Mike Myers attend The Razzies to collect his award? No, of course he didn’t – judging by all the interviews he’s done over the last year, Mike Myers only ever agrees to go out in public if he’s allowed to waffle on for seven hours about the marriage of spirituality and creativity in the most humourless way imaginable.

But more fool us, because even though he’s responsible for what’s now officially the worst movie of the year, it’s not what people will remember him for. No, they’ll remember Mike Myers for Shrek. And Shrek 2. And Shrek 3. And Shrek 4. And Shrek The Halls. And Shrek: Smash N Crash Racing. And Shrek: Far Far Away Idol. And Shrek 4-D. And Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. And So I Married An Axe Murderer. And that’s probably about it.

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We certainly wouldn’t like to be Mike Myers right now – although, granted, that’s mostly to do with his haircut.

But part of it is because of the Razzies. The nominations for this year’s Razzies have been announced, and Mike Myers’ woeful mishap The Love Guru has swept the board, earning nods for Worst Screenplay, Worst Director, Worst Actor, Worst Actress, Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Movie.

But it’s not all bad news for Mike Myers, because The Happening has also been nominated plenty of times, and if it doesn’t win everything then we promise to do a dirty protest somewhere.

For all your Wall-Es and Dark Knights, 2008 was an almost universally terrible year for movies. The Incredible Hulk managed to do the impossible and actually be worse than The Hulk, Quantum Of Solace couldn’t have been any more disappointing if it was about sand, Indiana Jones 4 made us wish that that little Indian kid killed him two films ago, Cloverfield turned out to be 90 minutes of a big testicle chasing some wankers around a city and 27 Dresses was released.

Oddy enough, though, most of these films have been completely ignored by the just-announced Razzies nominations. And that’s because of three things:

1) The Love Guru

2) The Happening

3) Paris Hilton‘s bewildering belief in her own talents as a movie star.

All three are awful in their own special way. The Love Guru, as well as being monumentally unfunny, was promoted with a mixture of interviews where Mike Myers came off as a self-regarding prick and editorial features which all had the headline ‘Mike Myers Is A Self-Regarding Prick’. The Happening was essentially a film about Mark Wahlberg running away from pollen. And then there’s Paris Hilton, who is Paris Hilton.

But despite the ferocious craptitude of those three movies, they aren’t the only recipients of Razzie Award nominations this year. How could they be, when Jessica Alba starred in more than one movie and Al Pacino continued his transformation into the world’s angriest Good Luck Troll? Here are this year’s Razzie Award nominations in full, courtesy of E! Online:

WORST PICTURE

• Disaster Movie
• The Happening
• The Hottie and the Nottie
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
• The Love Guru
• Meet the Spartans

WORST ACTOR

• Larry the Cable Guy, Witless Protection
• Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave
• Mike Myers, The Love Guru
• Al Pacino, 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
• Mark Wahlberg, The Happening and Max Payne

WORST ACTRESS

• Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru
• The cast of The Women (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
• Cameron Diaz, What Happens in Vegas
• Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie
• Kate Hudson, Fools’ Gold and My Best Friend’s Girl

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

• Uwe Boll (as himself), Uwe Boll’s Postal
• Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
• Ben Kingsley, The Love Guru and The Wackness
• Burt Reynolds, Deal and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
• Verne Troyer, The Love Guru and Uwe Boll’s Postal

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

• Carmen Electra, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
• Paris Hilton, Repo: The Genetic Opera
• Kim Kardashian, Disaster Movie
• Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
• Leelee Sobieski, 88 Minutes and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

• Uwe Boll and Any Actor, Camera or Screenplay
• Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas
• Paris Hilton and either Christin Lakin or Joel David Moore, The Hottie and the Nottie
• Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
• Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL

• The Day the Earth Blowed Up Real Good
• Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
• Speed Racer
• Star Wars: The Clone Wars

WORST DIRECTOR

• Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale and Uwe Boll’s Postal
• Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
• Tom Putnam, The Hottie and the Nottie
• Marco Schnabel, The Love Guru
• M. Night Shyamalan, The Happening

WORST SCREENPLAY

• Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
• The Happening
• The Hottie and the Nottie
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
• The Love Guru

WORST CAREER ACHIEVEMENT

• Uwe Boll

We’ve checked this list several times, and we can’t help but notice that Justin Timberlake didn’t get a nomination for The Love Guru. The Razzies aren’t for another month – is it too late to ask for a recount?

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