The Oscar nominations are being announced today, and Sandra Bullock looks likely to earn a best actress nod.
Hooray! However, the Razzie nominations were announced yesterday, and Sandra Bullock has definitely earned a worst actress nomination.
Hooray! They’re for different films, of course – Sandra Bullock will get her Oscar nomination for The Blind Side, a slushy real-life drama about an American footballer we’ve never heard of; and the Razzie nomination is for All About Steve, a film where Sandra Bullock plays a boot-obsessed crossword compiler who falls down a hole. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Oh, we’ve lost the ability to tell.
You want to know how in-demand Sandra Bullock is at the moment? She’s so in demand that, of the three films she made last year, two have been recognised by prestigious award ceremonies. The Blind Side won Bullock a Golden Globe and a front-runner shot at winning at Oscar, and now All About Steve has won Sandra Bullock a Razzie nomination. That just leaves The Proposal, the film where Sandra Bullock dances around in the woods while chanting about how sweaty her balls are, which somehow hasn’t been acknowledged by any ceremony.
This news now makes the first week of March vital for Sandra Bullock, and pretty important for the rest of us. Here’s why – if Bullock wins an Oscar for The Blind Side, she’ll inevitably decide to make more slushy, boring, pointless, real-life dramas about boring people doing things that nobody cares about. But if she wins a Razzie for All About Steve, she’ll be too embarrassed to make any more horrible romantic comedies. Here are all the different outcomes we can expect from Sandra Bullock next month:
If Sandra Bullock wins both or neither awards: The awards, or lack of them, will cancel each other out. So it’s business as usual. Sandra Bullock will continue to alternate between making identical rom-coms and bad daytime TV-style dramas for housewives until either the day she dies or the plastic surgeon physically cannot tighten her facial skin any more.
If Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar only: We’re in trouble. Sandra Bullock will become an Oscar Winning Actress, and will therefore only make long, ponderous films about domestic abuse or disabled people or fat murderesses or Afghanistan. She will chant about her sweaty balls in none of them.
If Sandra Bullock wins a Razzie only: She’ll be out of options. She’ll stop making dramas because people didn’t like The Blind Side enough to give her an Oscar, and she’ll stop making comedies because people hated All About Steve so much that they gave her a Razzie. What does this leave for Sandra Bullock? Simple – action films. If this is what happens in March, you can guarantee that the next two films that Sandra Bullock makes will be The Net 2: iChat Of Terror or a third Speed movie that’s set on an out-of-control Segway. This must not happen.
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Kanye says
LOL so true!
I hope she gets Razzie!! Miss some action from her!
B. Cheese says
Fantastic work. Reading this was a great way to start the day.
hoopstersworld says
there actually is a The Net 2, unfortunately.
CW says
She actually was nominated for a Globe for The Proposal, so apparently everything Bullock did last year needed award nominations thrown at it.
Personally, I’m most frightened at the possibility of the phrase: “Academy Award winner Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality 3”.
Flurple says
All About Steve was a satire and poked fun at the craziness of news stories and the more stupid and zanny the news story, the more people are obsessed with watching it. It was tongue in cheek and the dialogue from her was fast and witty. Give the girl a break, she did a silly film that worked for what it was. A light comedy.
Joe Momma says
Sandra Bullock is one of the most boring and cringe inducing actresses. All her movies get a ‘no’ from me by default. I’m hoping for sceneario 3. Then she’ll make a bad action movie get another razzie for that, then just go about and roll around in her buckets of cash and leave us alone.