We wouldn’t convey information like that without concrete evidence to back it up – we just wouldn’t! That’s why we need to tell you Miley definitely hates the entire Asian race because she recently allowed her picture to be taken while her pasty white fingers pulled her eyes back at a very tight angle.

Adolf started similarly, but with a more Jewish flare.

Miley Cyrus is the great destroyer as foretold in the Bible, the National Enquirer, and probably in the vast majority of Nostradamus‘ girly, flower covered personal journals. Better to know than not to know, right? Now at least we can formulate a basic ideas of how to fight her.

For instance, we should probably form a military alliance with France and Russia. That would seem prudent.

Miley’s first step in destroying all that is now, or ever has been holy, is to mock Asian people’s general appearance. No, not their stereotypical button up and collared office apparel – their eyes!

All Headline News describes her racist rampage in incredible detail:

“The Organization of Chinese American (OCA) said in a statement: “The photograph of Miley Cyrus and other individuals slanting their eyes currently circulating the internet is offensive to the Asian Pacific American community and sets a terrible example for her many young fans.” Executive Director of OCA George Wu said: “Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans.”"

Well that last bit, the part about her Asian Pacific American fans being upset and offended, just sounds made up all together. That’s because although Miley has green-lit her music to be releases as mp3s, CDs and vinyl, she’s never once issued any songs in a coconut-friendly format. Hence – there is no way any Pacific islanders would count themselves in her fan base.

We’re on to you, Wu. Like House on the chickenpox, we’re on to you.

Of course the Cyrus camp denies any level of racist intent. That’s why in their published retort Miley almost said:

“I have not now, nor have I ever condoned any form of racism. Now, how come the rim of my pineapple drink tastes like a Mexican finger?”

Well that seems like an odd way to assuage fears of a racist superstar.

Famous people just lose touch.

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9 - Eight racist words you apparently use every day, you RACIST – Cracked

8 – Lily Allen in a silly hat - Popsugar

7 - Do you want to know who the top 25 American Idol contestants are? YES YOU DO – BuddyTV

6 - Want to make a notepad out of recycled receipts? Really? OK! – Instructables

5 - Human rights for robots? Holy cack – Wired

4 - My, Wesley Snipes DOES look jolly – Best Week Ever

3 - Grand Theft Auto: Tokyo? Really? No, not really. Arses – Techradar

2 - And now, the annual list of worst Oscar winners – Houstonpress

1 - Superuseless Superpowers: one of our new favourite blogs – Superuseless

Previously confined to one of London’s many gutter suburbs, her shrieking ways were projected to a far greater audience when she entered the Big Brother 3 house five years ago. Yes, that’s right: five bloody years ago.

Unlike most Big Brother contestants, this annoying cockroach didn’t lose its head after the show ended and consequently die out of the public’s view a year later. Strangely, she managed to keep a decent profile in the public eye and launched successful perfumes despite them smelling like a cross between vomit and Lynx Africa.

But when her fame did start to run out, she returned to the one thing that gave birth to her – Big Brother. In 2007 she returned as a “celebrity” and gave the show all the publicity it needed. Sadly 54,000 complaints of racial abuse wasn’t what Channel 4 had in mind.

Despite being called Celebrity Big Brother, the show still had Jade Goody featured as a contestant and a host of other people apparently classed as ‘celebrity’ for the most arbitrary reasons. Randomly, and to our delight, Jermaine Jackson was included. For the duration of the show, the hecklerspray office was full of crap references to the Michael Jackson kiddy touching case and constant plays of Jackson 5 records.

Those were the good times.

Channel 4 also promised us the inclusion of a massive film star – technically they did include Shilpa Shetty who is a major Bollywood star, but most people from Stoke were left scratching their arse and asking “who is that woman from the local curry house?” Sadly for Shilpa, Jade and fellow racists Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd also joined in the fun of picking on someone who was slightly different to them. Choice comments from the trio of hags included:

“I’ve seen how she goes in and out of people’s arseholes”, suggesting that Shetty “makes [her] skin crawl”, calling her ‘Shilpa fuckawhiler’ and ‘Shilpa Poppadom’.

Other accusations included the usage of the term ‘paki’ – a word that we feel embarrassed to use, even for comedy effect in making Jade Goody look even more like a massive fuckwit.

Consequently the British public wasn’t dumb enough to fall for Jade’s teary pig like squeals as she later tried to amend her bullying ways. Her fellow racist sidekicks including the blond one from S Club 7 and some model from Essex also faced negative runs of publicity.

In the time Jade has spent away from our TV screens, not making us cry with rage, Jade has done pretty much nothing. Though we did find this very random deal for a “Watch it” cookbook. Unfortunately it’s not 101 uses for bacon, ham, gammon and sausage but a cookbook for Christmas dinner. If you missed it last year then rummage around in the discount section of your local Quality Save for it. The blurb says:

“I was pretty useless in the kitchen but Watch it…Do it has given my confidence a huge boost and I’m actually looking forward to cooking the turkey this year! Ordinary Recipe books tend to scare me as I don’t really know the basics but with Watch it…Do it, I know that all the steps are there to follow from peeling and slicing to actually cooking. If I can follow the recipes to make a delicious Christmas dinner…anyone can! They make the perfect Xmas present!”

The follow up for the Easter egg decoration kit obviously hasn’t been commissioned.

Consequently, Jade has had to revert to her past again and leech off Big Brother. Whilst she’s not being put in the Big Brother 8 series to mock people with disabilities, she is instead being taken to India to take part in the show known as “Big Boss”.

No surprises for guessing that Shilpa Shetty is the host and will probably take great delight in watching Jade ask the contestants why the don’t speak English and what that dot in the middle of their head is for. The Guardian reports:

“She was really upset about everything that happened after the scandal last year. She really wants to clear her name and prove to everyone that she’s not a racist.”

Of course the reported £100,000 payment for her involvement has nothing to do with things whatsoever. Still, we can’t argue – she’s out of the country for a while and we only have to deal with Big Brother for another month or two ’til we get to see what crap deals the rest of them sign up to.

Wait, did we say 'unstoppably racist dimwit'? We meant 'rapier-like skewerer of societal prejudices'. You see, Don Imus is in trouble again, this time for apparently alluding to the fact that an American footballer committed lots of crimes because he's black. But Don Imus says that's not the case.

Don Imus has come forward to point out that actually he was making a sarcastic point about how suspicious policemen are of black people. He was on their side all along! So which is it – is Don Imus a racist or a sarcastic campaigner for social justice? It's too hard to decide – can't we go with 'tedious Worzel-faced old gasbag' and be done with it?

They say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit – to which we say, no it isn't. It's the highest form of wit. And nice haircut, too, granddad. But if there's anyone who can do sarcasm so perfectly it's like watching a Russian ballet master in full flight, it's Don Imus.

When it comes to sarcasm, Don Imus has got all the poise and style and flair of a Renaissance painter, of Sir Thomas Beecham midway through Berlioz's Carnaval Romain Overture, of Jesus Christ himself riding around on his special Palm Sunday donkey. Take this example of textbook sarcasm, as provided by Don Imus earlier this week when discussing an athlete who wants to drop his nickname because it reminds people that he's been arrested a lot:

"What color is he?" [Co-host] Wolf said "African-American," and Imus responded, "There you go. Now we know."

Oh that's perfect, that's so sarcastic. That's… actually, wait a minute, isn't that a bit racist? You wouldn't be the only one to think so – Don Imus has already attracted a giant shitstorm about his comments. But the problem isn't that Don Imus couldn't stop being racist if you put his willy in a mousetrap, it's that every single person who heard Don Imus is an idiot who doesn't even understand when someone's being sarcastic.

You see, Don Imus has already lost a job once because he was foolishly racist about black athletes, and he's buggered if he's going to let that happen to him again. That's why, this time, Don Imus isn't going down without a fight. Newsday reports:

During yesterday's show, Imus said the point he wanted to make was that Jones was effectively being harassed by the police, saying, "What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason. I mean, there's no reason to arrest this kid six times. Maybe he did something once, but everyone does something once."

Thank heavens that Don Imus has been so quick to point out something that was obviously completely true all along – it seems to have got him off the hook with his bosses at the radio station, too. Case closed.

It's just a shame that this whole sarcasm excuse explanation hadn't been thought up earlier. Just think of all the fuss that would have been avoided if Mel Gibson would have come forward right after that whole Jew-slagging arrest thing and just admitted to the world that he was really making an important pro-Israel statement via sarcasm and extensive use of the phrase 'Sugartits' all along. We don't know about you, but we'd have swum to Malibu just to hug his big adorable face.

Anyway, we're thrilled that Don Imus has decided to fight back against these new claims of racism. He really is very good at his job and a perfect model to all of God's children.

It wasn't so long ago that Don Imus was hauled from his long-running radio show in shame because he decided to tell his entire audience that a particular black female basketball team were a bunch of 'nappy-headed hos'. Although it cost him his job, this incident enlightened Don Imus to the plight of people of colour, and he vowed never to be racist again.

Unless you define 'racist' as 'appearing to imply that black people are inherently criminal', that is, in which case Don Imus might have just dropped himself in the crapper again. Will Don Imus lose yet another radio show? It doesn't matter, because so long as birds are still eating seeds from farmers' fields, Don Imus will never be fully unemployed.

If we could give celebrities one piece of advice, it'd be to think carefully before opening their mouths. Actually, thinking about it the one piece of advice we'd give Shane Ritchie is 'go and work in a shop or something', but for everyone else the thinking carefully thing holds up.

All too often celebrity careers are undone by a thoughtlessly insensitive slip of the tongue – Dog The Bounty Hunter was undone by racism, Isaiah Washington was undone by homophobia and Jerry Lewis was undone by something about illiterate faggots. But Don Imus is the daddy of being uncomfortably outspoken in public.

After the big 'nappy-headed ho' outcry got him turfed out into the radio wilderness, leaving him with nothing to do but shop for outlandishly-sized cowboy hats on eBay and claw at the barnacles that have been embedded in his face for upwards of 12 decades, Don Imus had to really search his soul. It didn't take particularly long – we hear it's not that big – but when Imus was offered a new job, he was quick to publicly explain his regret over the incident.

And Don Imus was never racist again. The end.

Unless Don Imus was being racist on his radio show yesterday, which he may well could have been. Yesterday morning Don Imus and his sportscaster Warner Wolf were discussing black American football player Adam Jones, a man who doesn't want to be known by his 'Pacman' nickname any more because it reminds people that he's been arrested a number of times in the past. And that's when things got messy.

As the New York Times reports:

Mr. Imus asked, “What color is he?” “He’s African-American,” Mr. Wolf responded. “Well, there you go,” Mr. Imus said. “Now we know.”

Interesting that Warner Wolf answered Imus' question by saying "He's African-American" rather than going with the more logical answer of screaming "Lalalalalala" into the microphone, launching himself across the desk and clamping Don Imus' mouth shut with packing tape before anything too racially-questionable squeaked out of it.

Anyway, Don Imus has tasted the sour side of people hating you because you seem a bit racist, so this time he isn't going down without a fight. in an email to the New York Times, Imus wrote:

“I meant he was being picked on because he’s black.” He added that the veteran black comedian and activist Dick Gregory would be a guest on his show on Tuesday, to discuss the death of George Carlin. “We’ll see what he thinks,” Mr. Imus wrote. “I mean … come on!”

Perhaps his frank, head-on confrontation of the incident will mean Don Imus will be allowed to keep his radio show – that remains to be seen – but it probably spells curtains for his forthcoming TV clips show Black People Do The Funniest Things (Because They're Genetically Inferior To Me, Don Imus).

Well, logic and common sense dictates that it might be wise to quietly accept your punishment while simultaneously attempting to stem the white hot temper that flares up like clockwork every few months and makes you look like a prize dicksplat in front of the entire world.

Or, if you're Naomi Campbell, you find the nearest camera crew and start blathering on furiously about how you only got angry because someone on the plane called you a 'golliwog supermodel' even though you didn't actually mention anything about that during the trial. Deep down, they're both the same.

Anyone who's ever been on a plane has wanted to lash out at some point or another, whether it's at the sleeping lady who's drooling on your shoulder or the morbidly obese chap in front of you who's decided to recline his seat straight onto your knees without asking first. And, hey, who hasn't wanted to flush a crying baby down an aeroplane toilet simply because it was spoiling your enjoyment of National Treasure 2? That's all perfectly normal human behaviour.

But when you kick and spit at police officers because some of your luggage has gone missing, well that's just utterly unacceptable. Even Naomi Campbell knows that – which is good, because admittedly she does tend to do it more than most.

Last week Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to assaulting police officers after her weird little kicky tantrum on a plane in April. At the time most people wrote the outburst off as just another one of Naomi Campbell's awkward argumentative flare-ups – after all, you can count the number of people who Naomi Campbell hasn't beaten up on the fingers of the hand that Naomi Campbell slammed in a car door because she caught you looking at her without asking – but now there's been a dramatic new revelation. Well, dramatic or made up – it's quite hard to tell.

Apparently Naomi Campbell only spazzed out so badly because someone on the plane used a weirdly outdated racial slur towards her. Apparently. The Telegraph reports:

Campbell, who kicked and spat at police when they tried to remove her from a flight bound for Los Angeles, told Sky News: "I was called a racial name on that flight and that was part of my reaction. I was called a 'golliwog supermodel' – I don't think that's really fair, do you?" The airline has denied the claim. "British Airways does not accept any allegations of racism," it said in a statement. "We are proud of our diversity."

Oddly enough, Naomi Campbell didn't think to mention this alleged racial incident at any point during her criminal trial, only deciding to tell Sky News about it after she'd pleaded guilty to her charges. Which is strange, given that it seems like quite an important part of the story. It almost seems as if Naomi Campbell just made it up to try and make herself look less of a deranged batshit mentalist than she actually is.

We wouldn't dream of suggesting that, though – not because we respect the validity of Naomi Campbell's claims or anything, but because we're terrified that Naomi Campbell will come round our house one night and smash our faces in with a candelabra or set fire to our dog or something. Not our faces, Naomi. Not our beautiful faces.

Spike was upset that the African-American contingent didn’t seem to get any acknowledgement whatsoever from Clint, and he spoke up at the Cannes Film Festival in May.

He said:

Clint Eastwood made two films about Iwo Jima that ran for more than four hours total, and there was not one Negro actor on the screen. If you reporters had any balls you’d ask him why. But I know it was pointed out to him and that he could have changed it. It’s not like he didn’t know…

To which Clint Eastwood replied:

A guy like that should shut his face.

A guy like what exactly? Like a black man? Or like a scrawny-faced owl man? We just don’t know. What we do know is that this town aint big enough for the both of ‘em. Yee-haw!

As far as hecklerspray is concerned, the bigger crime here is on the white soldiers who were included in the films, as Clint managed to make their own stories about as emotionally stimulating as sitting through a Paris Hilton album from start to finish.

But anyway, Spike Lee has responded to Clint’s comment. He told ABC News:

First of all, the man is not my father and we’re not on a plantation. The thing about it though, I didn’t personally attack him. And a comment like ‘a guy like that should shut his face’ – come on Clint, come on. He sounds like an angry, old man right there. It’s just that there’s not one black in either film. And because I know my history, that’s why I made that observation.

Lee is currently in the midst of post-production on his own WWII epic, Miracle as St. Anna, which, according to IMDB.com, ‘chronicles the story of four black American soldiers who are members of the US Army as part of the all-black 92nd Buffalo Soldier Division stationed in Tuscany, Italy, during World War II’.

Did we read that correctly; the ‘all-black’ division? Not even a token white boy to occasionally nerd up proceedings with his embarrassing dancing? Outrageous.

Spike furthered:

Many veterans, African-Americans, who survived that war are upset at Clint Eastwood. In his vision of Iwo Jima, Negro soldiers did not exist. Simple as that. I have a different version.

Clint was initially reluctant to respond to Spike’s remarks, but eventually told the Guardian:

The story is ‘Flags of Our Fathers,’ the famous flag-raising picture. If I go ahead and put an African-American actor in there, people’d go, ‘This guy’s lost his mind.’ I mean, it’s not accurate.

Anybody know any war historians to clear this up?

As it currently stands, Spike has had the last word, and here it is:

Even though he’s trying to have a Dirty Harry flashback, I’m going to take the Obama high road and end it right here.

That’s because dear old Brigitte Bardot, the woman who entranced the world with her earthy sensuality all those years ago, has just been convicted for provoking discrimination and racial hatred for the fifth time in 11 years, after she published a letter claiming that Muslims are destroying France because they don’t kill sheep properly.

Brigitte Bardot, you’ll remember, was the star of the 1958 movie And God Created Women, a movie that’s soon to be re-released to DVD with the title And God Created One Specific Woman Although He Sort Of Regrets It Every Time She Opens Her Shrapnel-Filled Gob, The Witchy Old Nutter.

It’s often said that beautiful people don’t have to develop personalities because their lovely faces mean they don’t have to try as hard as the rest of us. But Brigitte Bardot is clearly the exception to the rule – she’s developed quite a strong personality. Admittedly it’s the personality of a loopy old reactionary racist who surrounds herself with animals but, hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

And make no mistake – Brigitte Bardot does love animals. Whenever the time calls for any sort of animal rights activism, be it Canadian seal hunting or people eating horses, Bardot can always be found at the fore, trying to change the world with her political ideals and her violently yellow teeth.

In fact, Brigitte Bardot loves all of Earth’s creatures. Unless they happen to be, you know, brown. Because Brigitte Bardot enjoys nothing more than to wail angrily about them until she’s been repeatedly convicted of inciting racial hatred. Which, by chance, has just happened again.

It’s all to do with sheep, you see. Brigitte Bardot was conviced for provoking discrimination and racial hatred and fined 15,000 Euros for publishing a letter she wrote to Nicholas Sarkozy that was all “I’ve had it with these Muslims coming over here, taking all our jobs and slaughtering our sheep in accordance with their own religious beliefs.” E! Online reports:

“I’ve had enough of being led by the nose by this population that is destroying us, destroying our country by imposing its acts.” Bardot, a longtime and ardent animal rights advocate, was particularly referring to the Muslim feast of Aid el-Kebir, which is celebrated by slaughtering sheep. In her letter, she argued that Muslims should stun the animals before slaughtering them. The 73-year-old singer-actress sent the letter to Sarkozy back in December 2006 and subsequently published it in her foundation’s quarterly journal.

So that’s that. Brigitte Bardot has been convicted and fined – she was spared the two months in jail that she could have received – and she’s definitely learned her lesson once and for all. For around 2.2 years, anyway, which is the next time she’s scheduled to be racially dubious to an illegal degree.

Still, let’s not be completely down on Brigitte Bardot – she still has an awful lot going for her. For instance, she’s easily one of the easiest racists to masturbate to, along with Tintin and the bloke out of Seinfeld.

And what she said wasn’t that bad, really – it’s not as if she wore a racist scarf during a doughnut commercial, was it? They’re the bastards we should really go after.

Well, all of us probably. Anyway, Dog The Bounty Hunter has lived with the threat of extradition to Mexico over his head for some time now, after an ill-advised bounty-hunting jaunt there in 2003, but now a Mexican court has dropped his charges.

Dog The Bounty Hunter's a free man again! Finally he'll be able to ditch that ridiculous disguise of his and live his life normally again.

That is a disguise, right? 

Ever since he was taped being all kinds of racist about his son's girlfriend, it's fair to say that Dog The Bounty's life has fallen to pieces. Not only did advertisers yank their commercials from his show faster than you can say "I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger," but it made Dog The Bounty Hunter cry on TV, and that's upsetting in itself because each of Dog The Bounty Hunter's tears are big enough to wipe out a small village.

But let's look on the bright side. Luckily for Dog The Bounty Hunter, he has that bounty-hunting skill to fall back on – plus now his show isn't being televised any more, he longer has to worry about viewers complaining about his extreme hunting methods, so he can unleash some massively unethical weapons on his targets, like bear mace or, um… oh.

But the main piece of good news for Dog The Bounty Hunter is that the Mexicans no longer want him shipped to their country and locked up. You see, bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico, but that didn't stop Dog The Bounty Hunter going there to capture a serial rapist in 2003. Anyway, long story short, Mexico wanted Dog locked up, the US congress wouldn't hand him over and it all got a bit fraught.  

But today Dog The Bounty Hunter is a free man. The Associated Press reports:

Duane "Dog" Chapman cannot be extradited to Mexico to face criminal charges in his capture of serial rapist and fugitive Andrew Luster in 2003, a three-judge panel in Mexico has ruled. "He's a free man," Chapman's San Francisco-based attorney, James A. Quadra, said in a telephone interview late Tuesday. "They can't reinstate any criminal charges and as a result of that, there's no basis for them to then seek extradition."

That's wonderful, and we're sure that Dog The Bounty Hunter will be as sincerely contrite about breaking Mexican law as he was when he was taped being all racist and stuff. Since that episode, Dog The Bounty Hunter has clearly grown as a person, and is obviously more sensitive to what offends others. Right?

Quadra said Chapman and his crew could return to Mexico one day. "Dog loves what he does. He likes to capture the bad guy. If a bad guy is in Mexico, who knows what Dog will do in the future?"

OK, ignore everything we just said. Dog The Bounty Hunter's an idiot.

Read more:

Duane Chapman Free From Mexican Charges – Associated Press 

Back in the springtime, Don Imus briefly became the new Mel Gibson when he attracted a racial firestorm by claiming that a female basketball team all looked a bit like Pampers-loving pieces of horticultural equipment or something, and he was promptly sacked from his radio show as a result. But now Don Imus is back, and presented his first show on WABC-AM just hours ago. And to show how much he's progressed, Don Imus unveiled a brand-new non-racist team including two black comedians. True, they spent the entirety of Don Imus' show locked in a cage wearing loincloths, eating watermelons and singing My Mammy, but a start's a start.

Don Imus is basically the Montel Williams of spring 07, only instead of threatening to blow up teenage girls, Imus referred to an all-black female basketball team as a bunch of "nappy-headed hos." In a world still reeling from Mel Gibson's anti-Jew "sugartits" rant and Michael Richards' less inventive racism, that vaguely obscure insult was a step too far and Don Imus was speedily fired from his CBS radio show.

Not that Don Imus has been completely inactive since then, though – he's used his self-enforced unemployment to blowtorch the limpets off his face, sue CBS for firing him on the grounds that he was only employed by the broadcaster to spout off a relentless torrent of racist woman-hating nonsense in the first place, and plot his comeback like some sort of Machiavellian scarecrow with an especially large amount of time on its hands.

And now it's paid off. As reported back last month, Don Imus has got himself a new radio show on WABC-AM, and it started just a few hours ago. Recorded live at Manhattan City Hall – and featuring the shitstorm-quashing stylings of black comedians Karith Foster and Tony Powell – Don Imus seemed to spend most of the show pleading with the audience to forgive him for being such a foolish old racist. Seattle PI quotes:

"I didn't see any point in going on some sort of Larry King tour to offer a bunch of lame excuses for making an essentially reprehensible remark about innocent people who did not deserve to be made fun of … I will never say anything in my lifetime that will make any of these young women at Rutgers regret or feel foolish that they accepted my apology and forgave me. And no one else will say anything else on my program that will make anyone think that I didn't deserve a second chance… Other than that, not much has changed. Dick Cheney is still a war criminal, Hillary Clinton is still Satan and I'm back on the radio."

These next few days will be among the toughest that Don Imus has ever faced, at least professionally – personally he still has to top that time a dog mistook his sleeping face for an old shoe and started gnawing at it – as he will discover whether his audience of angry rednecks will forgive him for saying something the bulk of them probably agreed with in the first place, and whether he can maintain his shock-jock reputation without resorting to racism again.

That second one will be a piece of cake, though – we read in Don Imus' notebook that he's going to steer clear of trouble from now on by just making a lot of jokes about Jordan's disabled son.

Read more:

Don Imus Back On The Air – Seattle PI 

And if there's anything sadder than that, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination openly wonder if he should commit suicide or bury himself in an unmarked grave like the slaves, which is how Dog The Bounty Hunter has spent most of this week to atone for the tape of him being racist about his son's black girlfriend. But even though his career is in tatters and he's become something of a public hate figure, Dog The Bounty Hunter says he's forgiven the son who shopped him in, and wants to prove his forgiveness by only spraying three full cans of bear mace into his son's face next time they meet, when the traditional family greeting involves five.

Ever since Mel Gibson set the rulebook on how to seek forgiveness for being unstoppably bigoted last year, it's been followed to the letter by the likes of Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington who know that to make amends they have to apologise to the public, then offended community leaders, then do some sort of rehabby course thing or make a violent historical epic with a script written in a dead language if things get really serious.

But Dog The Bounty Hunter is going over and above his call of duty to make amends for the now infamous Dog The Bounty Hunter 'nigger' tape which saw him throw out classy one-liners about his son's black girlfriend like:

"I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine… If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that." 

Lord knows that Dog The Bounty Hunter has his work cut out for him, because A&E has stopped making Dog The Bounty Hunter, stopped repeating Dog The Bounty Hunter and lost a bunch of Dog The Bounty Hunter advertisers. So now Dog is hitting the apology circuit as hard as he can, first telling Fox News that he's realised that he isn't black and now telling Larry King that no matter how much his career has been tainted forever by the tape of him, Dog has forgiven Tucker Chapman, the ex-con son who sold the tape to The Enquirer for $15,000:

"He will not talk to me. His mother's in on it with him. I have been away from her since the '80s so now she is like getting even… I tried to take control of his life. I heard this girl was maybe not being the best for Tucker — and I'll leave it like that — so I tried to interfere. I don't care if she is black at all. He's on parole for a 20 year sentence and if he messes up he goes back. All I want him to know is that I love him very much."

It seems as though Dog The Bounty Hunter is genuinely horrified at his behaviour and – aside from his new plans to be buried in an unmarked slave grave at George Washington's house so people will know that Dog The Bounty Hunter is sorry, possibly with some sort of elaborate grave-marking – he seems to be doing all he can to put things right.

And what could be better to speed this up than a public reconciliation between Dog The Bounty Hunter and his treacherous son? After all, if Dog can forgive Tucker then maybe the world can forgive Dog. And people from all ethnic backgrounds could come and witness the joyous family reconciliation and enter into the all-encompassing interracial spirit of forgiveness.

Well, all ethnic backgrounds except for the stinking Dutch, that is. But who likes them?

But some problems are just too big for one man, even a man whose arms and hair are made of asteroid rock and angel tears respectively. And ever since Dog The Bounty Hunter found a tape of himself angrily telling his son that he didn't like her girlfriend because she was a 'nigger', he knows that only too well. After A&E suspended Dog The Bounty Hunter following his racist outburst, a major company has also decide to stop advertising on his show. Still, Dog The Bounty Hunter will have the last laugh – because that advertiser is going to see its undereducated redneck demographic plummet any day now.

Racism's an ugly thing that only belongs stalking the corridors of hell bellowing at people. By a strange cosmic coincidence, so is Dog The Bounty Hunter – so it was always going to be inevitable that racism and Dog The Bounty Hunter were going to team up at some point.

But now that Dog The Bounty Hunter's nigger-hating rant has ended up all over the internet, meaning that Dog The Bounty Hunter can now ascend to the racist A-league along with Michael Richards, Don Imus and that woman from Radio 2, Dog is more trouble than even he can imagine. You see, the world has turned against Dog The Bounty Hunter just because he chose to order his son not to date a black woman, reasoning that:

"I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine."

Silly Dog The Bounty Hunter. In these modern times he should know that you're not allowed to tell your family to split up with people of colour because of the n-word. You can tell them to do it because black people are all second-class citizens who can't swim very well – that's fine – but not the n-word. And Dog The Bounty Hunter is paying the price for his jaw-droppingly offensive tirade. His broadcaster A&E has suspended production of Dog The Bounty Hunter indefinitely, but just to put the boot in even more Yum Brands Inc – owner of KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell – has pulled advertising from the show too, saying:

"It's despicable. We are no longer advertising on the show."

This will sting Dog The Bounty Hunter hard if the show ever returns, mainly because of the ridiculous amount of product placement on the show – around 12,321 instances in the first six months of the year alone. And product placement on shows like Dog The Bounty Hunter is important, because people who watch that kind of show are more likely to see a ridiculous looking man spray a crack addict in the face with bear mace while drinking a can of Sprite and then go "hey, Sprite IS delicious!"

It's unknown whether or not Yum Brands Inc will ever return to placing advertisements in Dog The Bounty Hunter, but we can understand its reticence.

After all, it's bad enough to see a gruff man who looks like a Judas Priest roadie coming back off tour from the planet Steroid wolfing down your products and exclaiming how much he recommends them, but it's quite another thing to consider that one day Dog The Bounty Hunter will turn to the camera, extend a tree-trunk of a finger and declare "you know what I was thinking about when I was eating a delicious large Pizza Hut Meaty BBQ Cheesy Bites pizza just now? I was thinking that I hate all black people."

Frankly we're stunned. Who'd have thought that a man named after an animal, who makes his living by chasing wanted criminals and then attacking them with bear mace, who dresses like he's going to a monster truck convention on the moon 20 years ago, and who constantly refers to people as 'bra' could even be slightly racist. But it turns out that Dog The Bounty Hunter is racist, and as a result his American broadcaster A&E has decided not to make his show any more. Hopefully Dog The Bounty Hunter isn't too sad about this – because we've heard rumours that he cries tears of red-hot magma, and that would never do.

Dog The Bounty Hunter is a force of nature. He dresses like the bouncer of a homoerotic Van Halen-playing nightclub that you'd be far too puny to get into. His voice is so deep that it knocks commemorative plates off mantelpieces 500 miles away whenever he speaks. His hair is so long and lustrous that the navy uses it when it wants to make especially pretty rope. Oh yeah, and Dog The Bounty Hunter is a racist, too.

Of course, when you're in the same line of work as Dog The Bounty Hunter you're bound to get into a bit of trouble here and there, whether you're taking down a gang of crazed meth-heads with bear mace or almost getting thrown into a Mexican jail, you have to be prepared for the worst. Unless you're discussing how much you dislike your son's girlfriend because she's black, in which case it's probably best to not prepare at all and then act all surprised when a tape of you angrily repeating the word 'nigger' hits the internet.

That's what happened to Dog The Bounty Hunter, by the way. A recording of him bawling racial abuse about his son's girlfriend is currently the talk of the internet. Well, the internet and A&E, which has suspended production on Dog The Bounty Hunter, you see, because while an angry man macing crooks in the eye is entertainment, an angry racist doing the same is just despicable. E! Online reports:

"We take this matter very seriously," A&E, which lent its full support to Chapman while kidnapping charges were pending against him in Mexico, said in a statement Wednesday. "Pending an investigation, we have suspended production on the series. When the inquiry is concluded we will take appropriate action."

But what exactly did Dog The Bounty Hunter say to get himself in so much trouble? Well, during a telephone conversation with his son, Dog tried to explain why having a black girlfriend might have the odd negative repercussions. Only he didn't put it like that. What Dog The Bounty Hunter actually said was:

"I'm not taking a chance on some motherfucker. I don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore, whatever. Not because she's black but because we use the word nigger sometimes here. I'm not going to take any chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us into the Enquirer magazine… If Lyssa was dating a nigger we'd all say 'fuck you' and you know that."

Here's the tape of Dog The Bounty Hunter being all racist in full, if that's the kind of thing you want to hear. 

But let's credit Dog The Bounty Hunter with some intelligence. Not only in the tape did he helpfully point out that "when we use the word nigger we don't mean you fucking scum nigger without a soul" – a qualifier which, we don't know about you, we're awfully glad for – but he's also apparently got the obligatory Al Sharpton apology out of the way already. So just three more apologies and a spell in some kind of spurious racial rehab facility and it'll all be better.

But in the meantime? Perhaps Dog The Bounty Hunter can put his new-found notoriety to good use by just going after black criminals in the future. He could also let Michael Richards into his crew, because let's not forget he has a similar talent for locating people of colour.

Read more:

Bounty Hunter N-Bombs His Way Into Hiatus - E! Online