S Club 7 were good weren’t they?  They all danced around in a line, singing about reaching for stars, wearing white and making everyone with ears wish they’d be born deaf.  Still, idiots everywhere bought their music until 2003 when they broke up under a cloud of sheer indifference.

Since then, the only member you’re likely to remember is Jo..erm.. thingy who went on Big Brother and participated in some racist bullying alongside Jade Goody or maybe you remember Rachel Stevens because she was the good looking one and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

So, when they saw the recent comeback success of similar white wearing band Steps, they all got together and decided they’d quite like to cash in on this, regardless of whether you like it or not.

A source said:

“S Club have seen what’s happened to Steps and want a piece of it.”

And as if that wasn’t bad enough;

‘They’re hoping to make a TV show following their reunion, a tour and the release of an updated Greatest Hits album – just like Steps.”

No. Oh JESUS CHRIST NO!!

The band’s spokesman refused to comment on this, making us hope it’s just a cruel, cruel rumour that someone with a grudge against the human race has decided to unleash but given that three of the band members are touring around clubs and universities as S Club 3, which is enough to make any former popstar wish for better days, we fear it may be true.

Despite the fact that Don’t Stop Movin’ was a decent pop tune, we’d rather superglue our eyelids open and sit through 17 hours of TOWIE than have any part of this.

Here, watch this and remember them as they were and not the elderly, arthritic, alcohol soaked monsters they are now.

Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well – that’s quite enough satire for one day, guys. It’s a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we’re going to have a professional musician on our hands, so best we save all that horseplay for the weekends, don’t you think?

This weekend, we had a DOUBLE Elimination. No-one was safe apart from the four X Factor contestants who haven’t contracted mildly unpleasant yeast infections yet.

And of course, Kelly Rowland was back and not ill anymore. Unlike last week, where she was really ill, in bed with illness, caused by ILL. Thank god she made it through.

As you already know (seeing as you watched the show and have something of a memory) the theme this week was DANCE FLOOR CLASSICS, but not like when NME invented an award category called DANCE FLOOR FILLERS (ie: an excuse to give the Arctic Monkeys more entirely redundant moments of self worth).

The show kicked off with the doomed Johnny “Poor Johnny” Robinson. Johnny was pleased in a sexually indistinct manner about how his performance went last week, and is having such a great time despite the fact he is 45 years old. Aww, Johnny, that’s ni- WAIT A SECOND. 45 years old? WHEN?

Johnny’s DANCE FLOOR CLASSIC NOT DANCE FLOOR FILLER track of choice was obviously Hung up by Madonna interspersed mid-way with You Spin me Round by Dead or Alive. If you missed it, yes, it was exactly as stupid as it sounded. Shut up, yes it did. Shut up.

Gary Barlow, or as we like to call him, Gary “A Joke About How Gary Barlow Has The Same Name As Ken Barlow Who Also Has A Mild Personality And Amusingly The Same Last Name Too” Barlow thought it was absolutely awful, but then immediately contradicted himself by saying Johnny sounded like a karaoke night in Scarborough, which quite frankly sounds incredible. But Johnny, who presumably gets an odd feeling of clarity from being shamed but just can’t put his finger on why, joked and laughed and used Loose Women idioms and made everything better. God, Gary Barlow is so boring like Ken Barlow who amusingly has the same last name as him, isn’t he?

Thankfully GODESS OF EXCITEMENT AND MASS INTEREST Janet Devlin was on hand to sing the Jackson 5! What could POSSIBLY go wrong aside from every single nerve ending and crevice in the universe thinking that sounds like an absolutely appalling idea? That’s right. Nothing. And to prove how mentally incapacitated (in a cute way, not in a Kitty Brucknell way) Janet danced! BUT, and this is a very imperative but, not with backing dancers because that would distract from the music. Come on now Janet, it’s only the X Factor. It’s not as if this is a karaoke night in Scarborough or anything where someone could actually BENEFIT musically or anything.

Nonetheless, Janet provided an absolutely life-changing performance of I Want You Back and it is really so fantastic, that on a scale of 1 to Fantastic, she would be a ten(tastic). Don’t worry, you can check that on a calculator later. Here are our top 5 (Like the Jackson 5, which is really clever of us, quite frankly.) favourite things about Janet’s performance of “I Want You Back” by the Jackson 5, and why we liked them the best.

1. Janet wore a cape made of tassles. We liked this because it was a really original sort of thing to wear, and you don’t see those much really, and it was like a breath of fresh air.
2. Janet’s backing band were clearly having a fantastic time, dancing along even though that sort of thing would risk detracting from the music. (Be careful next time guys, that’s all we’re saying.) Anyway, it was really nice regardless, and It was like a breath of fresh air.
3. Janet forgot the words to one of the most famous records of all time, but it was a really different take on the song, which we loved, just because it was basically like a massive breath of fresh air.
4. Janet sang lots of notes out-of-tune and sounded a bit like she had vetoed lungs for the evening . And the reason we enjoyed this part of her performance was because we really really like bronchitis, and although some might find this simile inappropriate considering we’ve just said that, it really was, literally, we kid you not, like a literal breath of fresh AIR.
5. But our favourite thing about Janet’s performance of I Want You Back by the Jackson 5 was that she was herself. And in this day and age of materialism and war, something like that is really rare to come by. We don’t really know how to put it. Sorry. That’s embarrassing.

Oddly enough, the judges disagreed with us and thought it was really terrible. Can’t remember exactly what they said, but it was something along the lines of…

KELLY: *Flares nostrils*
TULISA: That was awful. I have menstrual cramps and I’m in N Dubz.
GARY: I don’t think that was a very good performance, but I’m wearing a velvet tie.
LOUIS: Keith Duffy Keith Duffy Brilliant Black People are Bad Keith Duffy Amazing The X Factor Brilliant Pop Stars Beautiful Beautiful Keith Duffy.

Next up to do some singing was everybody’s favourite man called Craig Colton, who is fast developing his journey on the X Factor as a man who can sing a bit, to a man with a slightly more styled fringe who can sing a bit. Seriously, it’s like two entirely different people, unlike everyone’s favourite Satanists and extreme sports fans The Risk! who are ostensibly one person’s worth of personality. They sang ‘make this a night to remember’, even though the night they sang it on was Bonfire Night, which we’re quite sure is pretty much set in stone in everybody’s minds by now. Can’t be too careful though.

Following that terminally insane melodious ruckus was Marcus Collins who sang a song about Urban Outfitters Homeware Section or something. Gary called it the ‘performance of the season’, which probably would have sounded impressive if it hadn’t been verbalized via the voice of Gary Barlow.

Kitty Brucknell and her balmy ol’ depressive emotional frame (or ‘personality’ as we’re calling it apparently) were back once again. Jesus, imagine living with both her AND The Risk in The X Factor House. Now there’s an establishment with a fridge where someone’s definitely not properly closed the fish fingers box. Kitty was up to her old tricks again (because she is emotionally alone) for her performance of Like a Prayer. Kitty totally pro-involved some more obscure musical techniques to show off her range, such as singing ‘Acapella, or ‘like Sister Act 2’. So off she popped wearing a honking big robe with lots of other robed people, because monks are funny. Thankfully, the judges are also incredibly prejudice towards religious traditions and loved Kitty’s performance, with Tulisa, wise old sage that she is, announcing that Kitty is the kind of artist that could literally hold a CONCERT. God, a concert. Calm down Tulisa, this isn’t BBC Proms.

Eurgh. Frankie Cocozza then followed up, but not without another warning from Fun House presenter Gary Barlow to not have too much sex or drinking or happiness this week, or in other words “Stop doing things that make people hate you.” He performed (and by ‘performed’ we really mean ‘Stood around on stage and gurned angrily) I’ve Got A Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, complete with a vest like what the rock stars wear and a band like what the rock stars have. God, it was like an End of Year Special Edition of Q Magazine. Insane.

“The only thing big about you is your hair.” Louis then told him after the performance. So we burnt all our Monty Python DVDs because we never found anything funny ever again.

After four weeks of hip surgery and counselling, we crawled back across the floor to watch Misha B sing something empowering about empowerment. YEAH. Empowerment! That B stands for “Vagina Dentata” you know. Good ol’ Misha got a lovely totally unprepared visit from her family who by pure bizarre luck managed to catch the magical moment on camera. They told Misha that “the whole of Manchester is behind you” even though as children we were brought up to believe that lying is wrong, so we’re a bit confused as to why that was said.

She looked awesome singing Proud Mary but only because anybody singing Proud Mary would make anyone look awesome. Misha did a mighty good job, despite the lame spoken word bit at the start and then the phoney office-laugh. Because nothing is better than sass, apart from pre-emptive sass.

Last up to perform was Little Mix singing Don’t Stop The Music, but don’t let us ramble on and on about that because again, they were utterly forgettable and TOTALLY REAL WOMEN FOR REAL WOMEN LIKE REAL WOMENY WOMEN.

After all this, brilliantly, The Risk were cruelly forced to leave the competition due to the baying monsters that are the public who are so bloody picky they’re basically kicking off someone every week now. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?

And then to make matters insanely worse JOHNAMAZINGY AMAZINGSON ROBINSON AMAZING left the competition too, and it was ultimately the most horrible thing that has ever happened. We mean that, we really don’t doss around with hyperbole. We’re professionals.

The rest of the results show however was a roaring success, with performances from Florence and the Machine and the selfish teenage emperor of the Inca Empire taking a magical potion that turns him into a llama, thus ensuing a hilarious adventure where he learns a valuable lesson about generosity of spirit, but with some laughs along the way too. Oh no, sorry, that’s the plot synopsis of Walt Disney’s The Emporer’s New Groove.

We didn’t watch the results.

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The X Factor splits Britain into two camps. Those that despise it and those that don’t watch it. Those poor swine who don’t watch it can’t escape it. It’s everywhere, being rammed down your modem all the stinkin’ time.

Anyway, here’s an article about the X Factor. AND IT CONTAINS RACISM! HURRAY!

That’s right. The already hugely hated Kitty Brucknell – a lady with an ambition nearly as large as her forehead – is about to make everyone forget all about that Misha B bullying thing after she said something (well, allegedly) really racist to one of the boring berks from The Risk.

Even for die-hard X Factor fans, we don’t expect you to remember the individual members of The Risk. Suffice to say, we’re talking about Derry Mensah who the member with the darkest skin, the most generically handsome face and generally the one who Tulisa keeps making it clear she wants to have sex with.

Seriously. Have you noticed the great arcs of slug trail that erupts from between her legs when she talks to him. It’s vile.

Anyway, Derry is the one who has been involved in a row with Kitty and her Blackpool Christmas lights leotard. Yesterday, some papers reported that she’d gone and dropped the Nigger Bomb on him.

Appalling, eh?

Well, this appears to be untrue.

Derry has confirmed that there was an argument, when he asked Kitty to leave a practice room that he and fellow The Risk boyband members were due to use.

In short, the claim is that she was sleeping on a sofa, he asked her to move and…

“She snapped and went off on one and called me a black bastard.”

He added:

“She apologised afterwards. But we don’t speak any more. It’s bad because she goes around saying she used to be bullied and then she says stuff like that to me.”

Mensah told the X Factor bosses, they told her off and now she’s penned a letter of apology but he’s still refusing to speak to her in their shared house.

How marvellous. It’s just like the ’70s isn’t it? Can’t wait to see Kitty’s VOTE FOR ME face on Saturday.

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Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.

See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.

Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?

Soulja eloquently stated on twitter:

“Aye can I have a real … moment? my fans was DEEP … OUTSIDE THAT JAIL MAN IM SORRY!!! thats love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Get that? Are you crying about how beautiful that statement was?

Of course, Soulja has been in a fair amount of trouble recently, being accused of being a giganto homophobe (his Facebook was hacked, apparently) as well as making the whole of the American Army angry by dissing them in one terrible record he made.

And now he’s here, saying sorry all over again.

“I missed 10 interviews today for my new movie! To those companies i’m sorry! you can see I had a lil situation. the show must go on.”

Soulja Boy (real name Clemence Clawhammer) and four chums were arrested earlier in the week near the Alabama border. A cheeky little search of the vehicle revealed three guns, more than 5 ounces of marijuana and less than $50,000 in cash, police said.

And all because of a broken tag light. Seriously rappers. Keep your cars in the kind of condition you keep your trainers in, and you’d avoid 90% of your arrests.

Oh. And stop smoking so much weed in your cars. Serious. Either way, the rapper wants to point out how innocent he is.

“I’m innocent man. I love you all. I just want you’ll to know I’m innocent”

Or, in English, ‘I thought I was above the law, but I’ve got a friend who could do with the cash more than me, so we’re going to pin it all on him and then look after him when he gets out of jail.’

Possibly.

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Everybody on twitter (yaa boo, sucks to you) is muttering about the UK Citizenship Test. This is the test that is flung in the face of immigrants with a look of “Go on. How much do you love tedious facts about the UK?”

There’s questions about the number of constituencies we have and the like. Of course, no right minded UK citizen would know that. Only a complete bell-end would.

And so, with people who have lived in the UK roundly failing the test (us included), we’ve decided to make a citizenship test that actually works, filled with questions about things that are unique to this stupid collection of horrible countries and provinces. See how well you fare over the jump, scum.

Before we start, if you’d like to try your hand at the official UK Citizenship Test, you’ll find 24 impossible questions over at ukcitizenshiptest.co.uk

If you’ve followed that link and failed miserably, try our questions on for size.

Obviously, they’re much more relevant to being One Of Us than any stupid set of questions set by some faceless goon in a drab grey suit in some beige office somewhere.

Okay? LETZGO!

1. Everybody hates?

a) Chris.

b) Man United

2. When holidaying outside of the UK, what is the best way to converse with foreigners?

a) Learn key phrases and try your best to join in.

b) Shout loudly in English while horrifically drunk while wiping the fried egg from your football shirt.

3. What is the best way of finding out whether someone from Northern Ireland is Catholic or Protestant?

a) Engage them in conversation about The Troubles and, without judging them, ask which side of the fence they happen to be on without assuming they’re all terrorists.

b) Ask them if they support Celtic or Rangers.

4. What’s the difference between Rugby Union and Rugby League?

a) Geographical and class differences are often cited, but really, it’s a slight difference in rules.

b) They’re both stupid sports for idiots, so who really cares?

5.What do you think of the Royal Family?

a) They’re a fabulous institution.

b) Kill them. All of them.

6. What is irony?

a) A use of words which convey a meaning that is the opposite of the literal meaning, used for comedic effect. Often confused with sarcasm.

b) Typing LOL at the end of tweets.

7. What is suitable summer wear in the UK?

a) Linen trousers. Straw boaters. Striped blazers. Anything that goes with Pimms and a dappled day.

b) Deep sea diver outfit.

8. You meet a Welshman. What do you say?

a) Bore da! Twll dîn pob Sais!

b) Anything that implies they have sexual relations with sheep.

9. The Scottish are best known for what?

a) A wicked sense of humour, ruddy faces and a people of innovation and industry.

b) Alcoholics.

10. What do English people think of other English people?

a) They identify with each other and embrace the similarities and differences, acknowledging the wide gene pool which made the nation so powerful over the centuries.

b) Unequivocal hatred, regardless.

10. What is the pinnacle of the UK’s achievements?

a) Huge leaps in medicine, industry and technology. The UK is a leader, always willing to adapt to change.

b) Only Fools and Horses.

11. The X Factor is watched by?

a) A huge number of people who are interested in the juxtaposition between a televised talent show and the reality format made famous by shows like Big Brother.

b) People who hate it.

12. If England celebrated St George’s Day, it would do it how?

a) A uniquely English and eccentric celebration of folk traditions like Morris Dancing, followed by the drinking of real ale and singing of ancient English folk songs. Just like the Irish and Scottish do when celebrating their own heritage!

b) Middle eastern kebabs, Belgian lager, American pop music and overt racism.

13. Politicians are defined how?

a) Groups of people unified by their collective ideologies who aim to look after everyone in the UK the best they can.

b) They’re all posh liars.

14. Teachers have it easy. They do sod-all work and have loads of holidays. GCSEs are too easy as well. We’d be better off without them. Shirkers and hippies the lot of ‘em.

a) False

b) True

15. Sexism is…?

a) A problem that is being taken very seriously by citizens of the UK. Progress is being made toward breaking the ‘glass-ceiling’.

b) Funny and prevalent on British gameshows.

16. People in the UK see their cars as an absolute and divine right. Walking is for losers. Petrol should be really cheap as well, regardless of the fact there’s about a litre of it left.

a) False

b) True

17. Eurovision?

a) A fun night in watching music from all over Europe.

b) It’s a fix. Stupid foreigners and their tactical voting. Also, bring back Wogan.

18. In the mornings, UK residents sit down and watch a man called Jeremy Kyle berate working-class people in such a manner that one judge called the whole spectacle ‘human bear-baiting’. Despite being one of the most appalling humans to have ever grace television screen, Jeremy Kyle is well-paid and keeps getting more work.

a) False

b) True

19. The London 2012 games is a huge source of pride for UK residents.

a) Of course it is. The Olympics is an amazing showcase of human endeavour and achievement. To host it is an honour that will resonate for centuries.

b) It’s going to be awful and we will absolutely cock it up.

20. Calling someone who is to the left of the political spectrum ‘liberal’ is a gigantic insult.

a) False

b) True

21. When a famous person dies, what is the first thing you should do?

a) Take a moment of reflection to ponder on what they gave to us and think about our own mortality.

b) Compose a humorous text or tweet.

22. What is the main appeal of cricket?

a) It’s a wonderful game of tactics, flair and patience.

b) It sounds nice when they hit the ball.

23. What does the editorial policy of the Daily Mail?

a) To cover current events and affairs in an even handed way, with a slight leaning to the right of the political spectrum.

b) Free CDs and fear.

24. Do you like queuing?

a) No. It’s a pain.

b) Yes. Complaining is great too. Can I do both at the same time please?

If you answered mostly As, then sorry. You’ll have to go back to whichever country you came. You clearly haven’t been paying attention.

If you answered mostly Bs, then here’s your pint of Stella and fondness for pie. Welcome aboard!

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You remember Boris Johnson, don’t you? He’s the blonde, mop-headed fool that bumbles his way through life from one gaffe to the next. He’s the Mayor of London too. You know, the one that had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back from holiday during the riots. He’s a big pal of David Cameron. A lot of people vote for him because they think he’s hilarious. Are you following us here?

Good ol’ Boris knows what the important things are though. Whether it’s getting rid of those frightful bendy buses that interrupt everyone’s chauffeur-driven commute or apologising to stars who have suffered racial abuse at the hands of some lobster-skinned British git-bag that probably makes up most of ol’ Boris’ core vote.

Yes, you may remember us reporting that Kelis was racially abused at an airport when she went to go through passport control and now the singer, famous for bringing boys to the yard using milk-based beverages, has gone into more detail on twitter.

Kelis described her abuser, who referred to her as a slave, as a fat, pink-faced British guy. Boris Johnson’s investigation will likely hit a brick wall as the fat, pink-faced British man merges into the collection of other fat, pink-faced British people sloping around Spanish resorts, desperately trying to find a restaurant that will serve up a Full English and a fight.

Former Bullingdon club member Johnson took to twitter to defend the honour of the British people and reassure Kelis in the process;

“Heard about the treatment you received at a UK airport. Want you to know this is not typical. I’m appalled & I’m on the case.”

Kelis was at pains to point out that it was at a Spanish Airport subsequent to this. However, Boris has apparently shut down all major UK airports while he stumbles around with a child’s magnifying glass looking for clues.

The police are being much more proactive and are looking to speak to this fat, pink-faced British man, whose whereabouts have been unknown since the 2010 General Election. It is suggested that he may be able to assist with their enquiries. hecklerspray couldn’t possibly comment on what that means.

If you see him, don’t approach him. He’s a dick.

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Ridiculously dressed designer, John Galliano, has been found guilty of racist and anti-Semitic behaviour by a Paris court today, which means you can’t go around shouting your mouth off about Jews. Okay?

Johnny G was facing charges of “casting public insults based on origin, religious affiliation, race or ethnicity” by French authorities and was ordered to court today to pay a total fine of 17,500 euros.

However, he won’t be getting sexually assaulted in the prison showers.

The maximum penalty in France for this kind of behaviour is six months in the clink and a fine of 22,500 euros.

However, Galliano is really wealthy and so normal laws don’t apply to him. He didn’t even have to turn up to court this week after his little tirade with a couple outside a Paris cafe.

If you missed the rant, Galliano verbally abused a woman and proclaimed his love for Nazi mentalist Adolf Hitler.

“I love Hitler and people like you would be dead today. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be fucking gassed and fucking dead.”

Naturally, these weren’t really his views. The words just came tumbling out of his sphincter shaped mouth while he was very, very drunk and on prescription medication.

He said:

“I would crash after every creative high, and the alcohol would help me to escape.

“My body was becoming used to the pills, so my intake increased to an amount that I actually can’t remember how many I was taking.”

He’s now jobless and has a criminal record. Lovely stuff.

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