Mick Jagger, a man with a face like a thousand ballsacks, is no political football! Nosiree! He doesn’t like to be aligned to any party, mainly because he knows that its not in his interests to side with anyone, lest he lose a bunch of fans.

With that, he doesn’t like Prime Minister David Cameron trying to rim him for public favour.

See, Davey Boy Cameron invited Mick Jagger (with all that swagger, whatever that means these days) to an event in Switzerland. The event was about economics. Or, if you prefer, everyone out there was opening bank accounts so they don’t have to pay their taxes. That’s precisely what was going on.

And what was this event called?

No, is wasn’t called ‘Posh Gits Learn How To Hide Penniesfest’. Rather, the Rolling Stones frontman was invited to join Cameron at the Great British Tea Party in Davos.

Yes. Apparently there’s a place called Davos. Isn’t that a Doctor Who baddie or something? Don’t tell us. We honestly couldn’t care less.

Anyway, this event was (apparently) aimed at boosting foreign investment in the country ahead of the 2012 London Olympics, but Jagger decided against going to it when news of his appearance was leaked to the media.

In a statement, Jagger admitted that he was looking forward to attending the economics summit, but refuses to be used as a puppet for the Conservative Party.

He ranted:

“I came to Davos as a guest, as I thought it would be stimulating… I have always been interested in economics and world events (but) I now find myself being used as a political football and there has been a lot of comment about my political allegiances which are inaccurate. I think it’s best I decline the invitation to the key event and curtail my visit.”

Basically, he doesn’t want everyone finding out that, despite being liberal of mind, he’s probably a bit right-wing because the Tories look after his money better.

Right?

Terrible news, readers. Kim Jong-il, has gone and died on us, leaving a rather small but impressive hole in the fabric of our world’s society. Seriously, he was a veritable Superman and we’ll never see his like again.

Of course, Kim Jong-il went by a variety of names. His people (lucky beggars!) referred to him as the Supreme Leader, as well as our Father, the General, Generalissimo, General Knowledge Round, Dear Leader, Mmm Leerdammer, I’m The Leader Of The Gang (I Am), Bodacious Kim and many other fabulous names

And now he’s gone and died because he was just too awesome to live. Let us look at his life and achievements.

As you know, Kim Jong-il could fly like a superhero and possessed the strength of 60 elephants. He was also a master of magic, spells and illusion (enemies would grumble with fear and confusion when faced with ‘Mister Rad – The Sacred Hombre’) who lead North Korea since the 1940s, despite only being 21 years old when he died.

‘The Bodacious Daddio’ was last seen in public at a music store with his son, Kim Jong-un who is suspected to take frontman duties in the veritable Status Quo that is North Korea. Of course, Kim Jon-il was an avid music fan, releasing a number of albums throughout his illustrious and totally cool life.

In 1967, he released with psychedelic masterpiece ‘I Can Totally Fly’, widely regarded to be the Sergeant Pepper of the Communist world. Through the ’70s, Kim Jong-il discovered disco and released a number of singles which topped the Korean charts such as ‘I Like Looking At Things‘, ‘My Tiny Little Spectacles‘ and ‘Juche‘ which contained that infamous lyric; “Live our own way; fight our own way; create our own way! A product reflects the face of the producer! So party with your pants off baby!“

In later years, Kim Jong-il would team up with famous guest-stars from the West. He performed a duet with Katie Melua on the song ‘If You Don’t Do As I Say (I’ll Kill You)‘, taken from the film ‘Kim Jong-il Is Really Great Isn’t He?‘. He also had a minor UK hit in 2004 after his successful appearance on Team America, with a club remix of ‘It’s A Bit Racist Saying ‘Ronery’‘, which of course, launched the career of rapper Pitbull.

A keen cook, Jongy also invented ‘the double bread meat sandwich’ or, if you prefer, the hamburger. Shortly before his death, it was rumoured that he was working on various culinary inventions like ‘water’ and ‘Kellogg’s Coco Pops’.

The ilmatic was also a keen writer, penning many romantic novels. This saw him getting the affectionate nickname in China of ‘The Barbara Cartland Of The East’. Of course, his biggest seller outside of Korea was ‘The Field Worker Always Maintains A Sufficient Standard Of Life With Pragmatic Arousal’ which, when said in the native Korean tongue, sounds like a crude version of the English vernacular ‘Chomp on my buttocks’ (imagine: ‘jampon mei bhu-taqs’) which owed for it’s success outside of North Korea.

Grooviest Dudiest was also blessed with the ability to leap over buildings, super strength, the ability to fly and of course, a knack for unhinging bras with one hand without too much fuss. It is said that, Superflyzilla was so sexy without his clothes on that he would levitate and simultaneously render any sane woman standing by immediately blind with arousal.

Kim Jong-il also played as centre-forward for his national football team, scoring 6,391 goals in 32 appearances. Alas, he was unable to play in the World Cup in 1966 and 2010 because of what The Great Leader Of The Pack described as ‘FIFA’s chilling bureaucracy’ for not allowing someone who could fly enter a World Cup final tournament. The 2010 team finished bottom of their group and were sent home to be killed by Kim Jong-il, which he duly did for ‘the good of the great people of Korea’ by erupting fireballs out of his ‘glorious anus’.

Kimmo was also the greatest golfer in the history of everyone ever, and in ’94, it was widely reported by Pyongyang media that Our Sweet Pappy shot 38 under par – with 5 holes-in-one – on a regulation 18-hole golf course. And that was the first time he’d ever played golf!

All this is unsurprising really, because Kim Jong-il was amazing since birth. His coming was forseen and signified by a passing swallow. He was delivered on Korea’s most sacred mountain, Mt. Paekdu and, at the moment of his birth, a bright star lit up the sky and the seasons spontaneously changed from winter to spring with rainbows decorating the sky.

Kim Jong-il. You were the illest of the il. Have fun trying to work out which of the above is based on official Korean documents concerning the life of The Suave Depressor.

Russia and America haven’t ever really got along have they? They’re both giganto land-masses that just love antagonising each other with spies, wars and lousy impressions of each others accents.

At least the news is always impartial, eh?

Like hell. Have you seen Fox News? And Fox & Co (not a Top of the Pops dance troupe, sadly) have got competition in the form of Tatiana Limanova who made her feelings on Barack Obama perfectly clear in a news bulletin.

In a moment, presumably thought to be off-camera, commie-swine Tatiana flipped the bird at the mention of Barry Obama just before the bulletin switched to a VT.

Of course, this will wind up the Yankee Doodles no end and we’ll probably see Bill O’Reilly bearing his arse with the words “RUSSIA SUX” written on in marker.

Naturally, you wouldn’t get the wonderful British news organisations being so partizan would you?

Nooooooo.

Anyway, here’s the video of Limanova giving a big up yours to America. Let us all pray for another Cold War as a result, eh?

Remember Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi? That was pretty funny wasn’t it? After all, he was a Nazi at one point. He was a massive, massive… well… tiny Nazi in the Hitler Youth. Of course, the Nazism is nothing compared to the whole Catholicism thing.

Of course, you can’t go around calling a Pope negative names and not expect some heat from those mass-loving lunatics.

So step right up Bill Donohue, leader of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights to lay the holy smackdown! Probably in Latin too! Because Catholics are all completely mental and like responding to priests in a language they don’t understand! The cads!

Naturally, Catholics don’t believe in God enough to be confident in the fact that Himself will punish her come judgement day, so they have to run their righteous mouths off in a most unChristian fashion.

Donohue says:

“She’s a despicable person to make these kinds of despicable remarks!”

The elephant in the room, waddling behind this comment is the one that everyone is thinking right now, and that its a bit rich for an organisation from the Catholic church to call anyone’s actions ‘despicable’.

You’d have to be pretty dumb to fail to notice the horrific, systematic misdeeds carried out for centuries by Catholics in the name of Jeebus.

Wait. Donohue’s not finished.

“It is very hard to find someone dumber than [Sarandon].”

“He deserted the Hitler Youth at the first moment! She doesn’t know what she’s talking about…To blame him for something that he was never responsible for; he was forced to join as every boy his age was. Unlike the others, he deserted.”

Donohue said he won’t even seek an apology from the “hard-core leftist” actress because “she is ignorant and full of hatred to the Catholic Church.”

Yep. That’d be the organisation who believes in a celestial being getting a virgin preggo and, resultantly, causing millions of cases of child abuse and sexual molestation while helping African countries to riddle themselves with dreadful diseases because Jesus didn’t like rubbers.

We’ll stop there before a rant forms.

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God isn’t having a good time of it lately. His representatives on Earth aren’t doing It any favours. Of course, God Itself is a spiteful, vengeful chump anyway and made man in Its own image, so It only has Itself to blame.

Going after the Almighty is Susan Sarandon. Of course, you can’t kick God in the shins so you have to pick on the next best thing… and that happens to be Pope Benedict: The Godwaffe.

Discussing her role in Dead Man, which saw her sending a copy to The Pope, she was asked ‘which pope?’ That’s when the Catholics got jumpy and started muttering ‘You wouldn’t get people talking about Muslims like that… it’s so unfair.’ Maybe if you started flying planes into buildings, we might be a little more scared of pointing out how mental some of you are, eh?

So. To the ‘which Pope’ question, Sarandon answered:

“The last one. Not this Nazi one we have now.”

Of course, Pope Benedict spent time as a member of the Hitler Youth. Naturally, it’s worth pointing out that it was likely that he was forced to do that, so it’s a bit unfair to tarnish him with that.

Either way, the whole Nazi thing is nothing compared to the whole Catholic thing. See, of the two organisations, the Catholic church is way more mental and evil than the Nazi Party. For a start, the Nazis got their arses handed to them in a tall hat. The Catholic Church? It still runs entire countries and hides sex-offenders up their priest holes!

So while Pope Benny may be tired of being called a Hitler loving git-hammock, he’ll be more tired of the constant allegations that his organisation likes to fuck with kids (both metaphorically and literal).

See, a report from the BBC is suggesting that the Catholic church in Spain, with the help of Nice Guy Franco and his Cuddly Dictatorship, stole babies from mothers and sold them!

That’s right folks! Spain is currently rubbing it’s eyes in disbelief at the allegations that the Catholic church stole and trafficked of thousands of babies. Those loveable nuns and priests did this up ’til the ’90s!

Nuns would inform mothers that their newborn had died and there was no way of seeing the body. Of course, after the initial gut-wrenching heartache subsided, the mothers went onto to a life of nightclubs and cocktails while those unlucky enough to keep their babies slid into a joyless, shriek-filled life.

We’re missing the point aren’t we?

The Spanish government are even admitting that the church stole children, with one government spokesperson called Nunez saying:

“I don’t dare to come up with figures… but from the volume of official investigations I dare to say there were many.”

Lawyers believe that up to 300,000 babies were swiped.

Basically, it seems that Franco and the church teamed up and took babies from parents deemed “undesirable” and placing them with “approved” families, from the ’30s onward. For money. Better yet, is that one Spanish magazine published photographs of a dead baby kept in a freezer at the San Ramon clinic, which was (allegedly) used as ‘proof’ to show mothers that their child had died.

Wait.

This isn’t funny. We’re wondering toward the territory of being serious.

Fear not dear reader! You forgot one thing! Regardless of the situation, absolutely everything is approximately three thousand times funnier if it involves a nun.

HURRAY! COMEDY WINS!

Sorry accidental orphans.

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The British tabloids, and the Daily Mail in particular got to indulge in one of their favourite, and least pleasant, pastimes last week- the vilification of women.

The Mail seems to think that what its largely female readership want is to see attractive young women demonised. Sadly they are probably onto something.

Sometimes you know that what they really want to do is just feature pictures of smiling girls with ‘whores’ crudely drawn over them in crayon.

This time they decided to pick on someone who is just starting to turn her life around after what anyone would consider deeply unpleasant circumstances.

In 2007 a twenty-year old American student went to jail in Italy where she would remain for four years for the murder of a 21 year old woman. A motiveless murder with no solid forensic evidence incriminating her. Well, Knox’s motives that the prosecution had suggested in the trial were ‘satanic ritual orgy’, ‘cult sacrifice’, ‘sex game gone wrong’, and a ‘marijuana-fuelled rage’.

Presumably using the plots from bad movies is a legitimate Italian legal technique.

The jailed woman was of course Amanda Knox, and the murdered woman was Meredith Kercher. Now we weren’t in the room when Miss Kercher had her life cut horrifically short. Like any crime in which we weren’t weren’t directly involved, we only have court decisions to go on. We therefore can only conclude that Miss Knox is innocent as she has not been proven guilty. The presumption of innocence goes back centuries and is demonstrably the fairest and most successful criminal law system used by mankind thus far.

Given this assumption, you might be forgiven for thinking that Amanda Knox therefore deserves some sympathy. The British tabloids didn’t seem to think so. Tuesday’s Daily Mail front page headline was

WEEPING FOXY IS FREED TO MAKE A FORTUNE

This is on the day she has found out she is free. Imagine what the headline would have been if she was laughing?

It seems that regardless of what Miss Knox may be innocent of, she is guilty of being attractive and American. Writers are therefore free to project whatever femme fatale fantasies on to her that they choose. Little has changed since the days of King Edward VIII and Mrs Simpson. In fact so determined were The Mail to demonise her that Thursday’s article on page 7 repeated the accusation

Knox ready to cash in

Was the headline of an article that made no reference beyond pure implication of Miss Knox being  ’ready to cash in’.

There was also a mini-article headlined

Judge: Amanda may know the ‘real truth’

It’s worth printing Judge Claudio Pratillo Hellman’s statement in full because it’s the weirdest legal argument since.. well since ‘marijuana-fuelled rage’.

The truth was created in the trial. But the real truth could be different. They (Knox and Raffaele Sollecito) could be responsible, but the proof isn’t there. So, maybe they know but as far as the jury go, they didn’t.

Thanks for that.

It wasn’t just The Mail of course, but the general concensus was that any relief Amanda Knox showed for being free (as opposed to the rampant reporting of it) was some kind of direct insult of Meredith Kercher’s family. The insult though is that the tabloids decided that the real story isn’t actually the pursuit of the ‘real truth’.

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Everybody on twitter (yaa boo, sucks to you) is muttering about the UK Citizenship Test. This is the test that is flung in the face of immigrants with a look of “Go on. How much do you love tedious facts about the UK?”

There’s questions about the number of constituencies we have and the like. Of course, no right minded UK citizen would know that. Only a complete bell-end would.

And so, with people who have lived in the UK roundly failing the test (us included), we’ve decided to make a citizenship test that actually works, filled with questions about things that are unique to this stupid collection of horrible countries and provinces. See how well you fare over the jump, scum.

Before we start, if you’d like to try your hand at the official UK Citizenship Test, you’ll find 24 impossible questions over at ukcitizenshiptest.co.uk

If you’ve followed that link and failed miserably, try our questions on for size.

Obviously, they’re much more relevant to being One Of Us than any stupid set of questions set by some faceless goon in a drab grey suit in some beige office somewhere.

Okay? LETZGO!

1. Everybody hates?

a) Chris.

b) Man United

2. When holidaying outside of the UK, what is the best way to converse with foreigners?

a) Learn key phrases and try your best to join in.

b) Shout loudly in English while horrifically drunk while wiping the fried egg from your football shirt.

3. What is the best way of finding out whether someone from Northern Ireland is Catholic or Protestant?

a) Engage them in conversation about The Troubles and, without judging them, ask which side of the fence they happen to be on without assuming they’re all terrorists.

b) Ask them if they support Celtic or Rangers.

4. What’s the difference between Rugby Union and Rugby League?

a) Geographical and class differences are often cited, but really, it’s a slight difference in rules.

b) They’re both stupid sports for idiots, so who really cares?

5.What do you think of the Royal Family?

a) They’re a fabulous institution.

b) Kill them. All of them.

6. What is irony?

a) A use of words which convey a meaning that is the opposite of the literal meaning, used for comedic effect. Often confused with sarcasm.

b) Typing LOL at the end of tweets.

7. What is suitable summer wear in the UK?

a) Linen trousers. Straw boaters. Striped blazers. Anything that goes with Pimms and a dappled day.

b) Deep sea diver outfit.

8. You meet a Welshman. What do you say?

a) Bore da! Twll dîn pob Sais!

b) Anything that implies they have sexual relations with sheep.

9. The Scottish are best known for what?

a) A wicked sense of humour, ruddy faces and a people of innovation and industry.

b) Alcoholics.

10. What do English people think of other English people?

a) They identify with each other and embrace the similarities and differences, acknowledging the wide gene pool which made the nation so powerful over the centuries.

b) Unequivocal hatred, regardless.

10. What is the pinnacle of the UK’s achievements?

a) Huge leaps in medicine, industry and technology. The UK is a leader, always willing to adapt to change.

b) Only Fools and Horses.

11. The X Factor is watched by?

a) A huge number of people who are interested in the juxtaposition between a televised talent show and the reality format made famous by shows like Big Brother.

b) People who hate it.

12. If England celebrated St George’s Day, it would do it how?

a) A uniquely English and eccentric celebration of folk traditions like Morris Dancing, followed by the drinking of real ale and singing of ancient English folk songs. Just like the Irish and Scottish do when celebrating their own heritage!

b) Middle eastern kebabs, Belgian lager, American pop music and overt racism.

13. Politicians are defined how?

a) Groups of people unified by their collective ideologies who aim to look after everyone in the UK the best they can.

b) They’re all posh liars.

14. Teachers have it easy. They do sod-all work and have loads of holidays. GCSEs are too easy as well. We’d be better off without them. Shirkers and hippies the lot of ‘em.

a) False

b) True

15. Sexism is…?

a) A problem that is being taken very seriously by citizens of the UK. Progress is being made toward breaking the ‘glass-ceiling’.

b) Funny and prevalent on British gameshows.

16. People in the UK see their cars as an absolute and divine right. Walking is for losers. Petrol should be really cheap as well, regardless of the fact there’s about a litre of it left.

a) False

b) True

17. Eurovision?

a) A fun night in watching music from all over Europe.

b) It’s a fix. Stupid foreigners and their tactical voting. Also, bring back Wogan.

18. In the mornings, UK residents sit down and watch a man called Jeremy Kyle berate working-class people in such a manner that one judge called the whole spectacle ‘human bear-baiting’. Despite being one of the most appalling humans to have ever grace television screen, Jeremy Kyle is well-paid and keeps getting more work.

a) False

b) True

19. The London 2012 games is a huge source of pride for UK residents.

a) Of course it is. The Olympics is an amazing showcase of human endeavour and achievement. To host it is an honour that will resonate for centuries.

b) It’s going to be awful and we will absolutely cock it up.

20. Calling someone who is to the left of the political spectrum ‘liberal’ is a gigantic insult.

a) False

b) True

21. When a famous person dies, what is the first thing you should do?

a) Take a moment of reflection to ponder on what they gave to us and think about our own mortality.

b) Compose a humorous text or tweet.

22. What is the main appeal of cricket?

a) It’s a wonderful game of tactics, flair and patience.

b) It sounds nice when they hit the ball.

23. What does the editorial policy of the Daily Mail?

a) To cover current events and affairs in an even handed way, with a slight leaning to the right of the political spectrum.

b) Free CDs and fear.

24. Do you like queuing?

a) No. It’s a pain.

b) Yes. Complaining is great too. Can I do both at the same time please?

If you answered mostly As, then sorry. You’ll have to go back to whichever country you came. You clearly haven’t been paying attention.

If you answered mostly Bs, then here’s your pint of Stella and fondness for pie. Welcome aboard!

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Tabloid editorial philosophy dictates that when a story is too good to be true, then not only is it probably not, but it almost certainly won’t matter whether or not it is true.

Every so often a news story seems to tick so many of a newspaper’s boxes, but despite the exciting claims made in the headline, you find precious little information in the article itself that backs them up. Normally headlines are written after the story, but not always.

As long as the newspaper isn’t libelling any specific group or individual, then there’s nothing to lose except their credibility. Fortunately this isn’t a massive priority for tabloid newspapers [or us, in fairness, Ed.].

On the front page of The Daily Mail on 26^th August, one such article appeared.

As you all know, The Mail keeps its circulation by maintaining a daily narrative that every aspect of the world that its readers know and love is under threat from dark forces.

PAINKILLERS ‘SABOTAGED’

screamed the headline.

Animal Rights protesters suspected of tampering with Nurofen

Claimed the sub-headline.

So what we have here is a story about thousands of packets of Nurofen Plus, which has a  significant share of the UK analgesic market, being filled with Seroquel XL anti-psychotic drugs by animal rights activists. In case any of you are too young to remember, animal rights activists were one of the popular tabloid baddies before Al Qaeda made terrorism less cool and everyone else took their ball home.

As with other anti-psychotics, the side -effects of Seroquel can include anything from depression (not funny) to a painful and long-lasting erection (a little bit funny).

This is a pretty dramatic attack we’re sure you agree. However, if you read on, the claim that it was animal rights motivated is repeated but the claim is not attributed to anyone. The paper just carried it because it was a health scare, a terrorist attack and probably carried out by hippies.

Last Monday, exactly one month afterwards, a little article appeared on their website (but wasn’t important enough to make it into the main paper the same day) detailing how a 30 year old man was in court charged with tampering with five packets of Nurofen. And all mentions of animal rights have disappeared.

Of course none of this came as much of a surprise to Dr Aomesh Bhatt, the Medical Director for Nurofen Plus who was quoted by a different news source on the same day as the original Daily Mail story appeared:

Nurofen Plus has a firm policy of not testing on animals. We don’t know where the Daily Mail got their story.

We do- from the nightmares of their readers.

Other highlights from last week included…

The flexible morality of The Sun and The Mirror. Remember when the tabloids all expressed disgust at paparazzi photographers trying to sell pictures of a dying Diana? What about pictures on the front page of Michael Jackson’s corpse looking decidedly less busy than it was in the Thriller video? Well that’s completely different. At least The Mail managed to wait until page five.

The Sun missing the REAL Rihanna exclusive. Tuesday’s Sun featured shots of a scantily clad Rihanna dancing about in a farmer’s field near Bangor, Northern Ireland. The leering article (sample quote: “she even whipped out her Bangors”) ended with

the farmer must have thought that all his harvests had come at once.

In the next day’s papers, it turned out that the farmer wasn’t quite so pervy after all. 61 year old Alan Graham became the Daily Mail’s hero when he found the shared ground between protestant principled prudery and ‘farm fanny film’ fearing feminism.

Far from Alan wanting to take Rihanna to the shed for a good milking, he had actually taken offence at the scenes and asked Rihanna to stop shooting.

*sigh*

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Dealers keep dealin’. Thieves keep thievin’. Whores keep whorin’. Junkies keep scorin’. Trade is on the meat rack. Strip joints full of hunchbacks. Bitches keep bitchin’. Clap keeps itchin’.

You might recognise these as the lyrics from Primal Scream’s exileonmainstreetesque hit, ‘Rocks’. What you may not realise is that the British Conservative Party are big fans too and just love being associated with drug dealing, prostitution, crime and sexually transmitted diseases.

How so? Well, for some inexplicable reason, our Tory chums thought it would be a good idea to play the track at the Conservative Party Conference which saw Theresa May making things up about immigrants and cats. Primal Scream are not happy.

The Screamteam reacted angrily after Home Secretary Theresa May played the track at the end of her speech where she said something about hating human rights. Or something. We weren’t really listening.

Primal Scream issued this statement in response:

“Primal Scream are totally disgusted that the Home Secretary Theresa May ended her speech at the Tory party conference with our song ‘Rocks’. How inappropriate.”

“Didn’t they research the political history of our band? Hasn’t she listened to the words? Does she even know what getting your rocks off means? No. She is a Tory; how could she?

“Primal Scream are totally opposed to the coalition government, Cameron, Osborne, Gove, Howard, Clegg etc. They are legalised bullies passing new laws to ensure the wealthy stay wealthy, taking the side of big business while eradicating workers’ rights and continuing their attacks on young people, single parents and OAPs by slashing education and social security budgets, in effect persecuting the poor for being poor.”

The statement ends with Primal Scream pointing out that they see Tories as their enemy:

“We would like to distance ourselves from this sick association. The Tories are waging a war on the disenfranchised, they are the enemy.”

Of course, the mistake Theresa May made was that she didn’t use the sprightly “Bomb The Pentagon” recorded by the band, as that would’ve been about as appropriate wouldn’t it?

Lovely.

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Politics, what a lot of cobblers. Full of posh and privately educated individuals, the humble person on the street has to work out what’s a lie, or just fabrication. Politicians have a long way to go before the general public appreciate them. Ever seen an MP sticker book? Only people who are liked get this accolade, like randy, closeted footballers.

From what we can gather, the coalition government blames Labour for any problem affecting the UK and they’re here to mend the problems.

This week, David Cameron takes his Conservative minions to Manchester to tell the country how wonderful a job he’s doing and state future plans whilst making terrible jokes. But in a leaked document that was stuffed through the letterbox of the hecklerspray bedsit, we’ve seen potential policies that were scrapped at the last moment. Learning from tricks of the trade from one Tory predecessor Margaret Thatcher, one of proposals will shock you to the core.

It’s going to be a tough week for the Tories. Firstly, the entire party has had to travel to Manchester which is in the north of England.

Imagine the thought of having to leave the perfect land of London where an item in a pound shop costs a fiver and clean air doesn’t exisit.

But more importantly we’ve been given a glimpse into proposed plans that were designed to put more stress on the UK population.

Cooked up by David Cameron and his whipping boys, we’d be here all day summarising them all, but below are a few that would have immediately sparked off more riots if given the green light.

Shake Up Of Breast Milk Use

According to the leaked document that’s now in our possession, the Tories want to emulate countries such as Iraq and Saudi Arabia who are rich in natural resources. However the government accepts the fact that it has to invade other nations for oil and wants to somehow make money on a commodity that is already available.

As a parent, David Cameron knows that babies aren’t always hungry during a feed. Proposed measures would have forced a parent to supply milk from one breast to their child whilst a powerful suction machine empties the other. The extracted milk would be bottled, sold to developing nations and sent to orphanages worldwide.

Removal Of The 1p and 2p Coin

After listening to rap star Jay-Zs track “99 Problems”, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne had his own eureka moment whilst looking a pile of money. Relating to the common people, Mr Osborne knows that purchasing goods and items for 99p can quickly make a wallet or purse, bulge with coins that can be hard to spend. Mr Osborne confidently stated that valuable pennies are simply thrown away and not spent. Removing them from circulation would pay a small chunk of nation’s debt off.

This idea would have been implemented after the Manchester conference with the immediate removal of this currency but Tory peers worried how the public would react. In certain areas of the community, such as the individual who asks for 2p for their bus ticket, may get complacent and plot revenge through violent means. The suggestion of reintroducing the coins back to the nation once major debts were paid off was met with howling laughter.

Making A Political Triangle

Rarely do governments have to share power and ideas with opposing parties. At the moment, the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats are best chums with each other. David Cameron has ensured everyone has an equal slice of political cake apart from Nick Clegg who all students once saw as a pin-up poster boy. But what about Labour? Where are they in this political jigsaw? David Milliband may be a limp leader in David Cameron’s eyes, and he planned to use this to his advantage.

One of the most shocking plans hecklerspray saw was for David Cameron to welcome Tony Blair into the coalition stronghold as his chief advisor, thus breaking down political boundaries that have existed for centuries. A silence echoed through the Tory headquarters as fellow MP’s tried to grasp the idea of appointing a man who stopped multiple Conservative attempts to gain office in the past. His experience was deemed to be priceless but due to the elite Tory mindset, the idea was rejected due to Tony Blair being from the north. Someone may have muttered ‘mass murderer’ as well, but that’s just stupid. It’s war, not killing, dummy.

So as you see the various Conservative speakers smiling and attempting to convince you that their political vision is working, just remember, hecklerspray has uncovered a few things they doesn’t make for happy reading if you’re that politically inclined.

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Did you know that Barack Obama is the antichrist? Did you have any idea? Must be something to do with his Middle Eastern sounding name.

So thank Godly Godlington that Christians are on-hand to point out that Obama is some kind of lousy, Middle Eastern infidel who…

…hang on a minute. Wasn’t Jesus from Palestine or something? So what’s this mad Christian doing heckling Obama during a press conference then? See the video over the jump to see how daft America is.

That’s right kiddies!

At a fundraiser in Los Angeles, Obama was just shooting the breeze with the giddy throng when some spirited chap in the audience started shooting his mouth off about the “one true Christian God”, following up with a swift one-two about Barack being the antichrist.

Of course, the President brushed his shoulder and the crowd reaction accordingly.

Mental Christian shouts:

“The Christian God is one and only true living God! The creator of heaven and the universe! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is still our God! Jesus Christ is still God! You are the Antichrist!”

Have a look and pick sides for crying out loud.

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Over the summer we had riots and phone hacking. Everything’s gone quiet now and we’re left with the old bogeymen.

The Mail sees global warming as some kind of conspiracy that involves the BBC, the lib dems, Richard Dawkins and someone at a council who wants to rebrand Christmas as Winterval.

In fact on Monday they managed to combine a climate change story with another of their favourite topics when they discovered that wind turbines were immigrants (‘Two thirds of the UK’s wind turbines are foreign-owned’).

It’s this obsession that has inspired them to make one of the biggest stories of the week actually be about a book with a factual error in it. This isn’t normally news, but this time the book was an atlas and the error was an exaggeration of the effect of global warming on the coastline of Greenland. Therefore making it all into a sinister plot to force people to recycle their glass for the twisted sexual pleasure of Guardian-readers.

On Wednesday they managed to compare the liberal democrats to flat-earthers accusing them of “clinging to long-disproved theories in unshakeable denial of realities staring them in the face”. On the same page there was an essay about the vast exaggeration of global warming.

The Sun gets our thumbs up for hysterical headline of the week. Ken Clarke is the kind of Conservative of whom the right wing press is very wary. For all his faults (and believe us, he has them) he’s a libertarian and a pragmatist. Pragmatism requires compromise.

The more passionate people are about a news story, the more newspapers they’ll buy, so dressing up compromise as defeat is always good policy to make the masses see red. Remember IRA terrorism in Britain? In order for that conflict to be resolved, pragmatism was required. Do you think the tabloids saw the big picture or do you think they just tried to stoke the anger of their readers every time anything was given to Sinn Fein? Incidentally we always liked the way they were referred to as ‘the troubles’. There was something stiff upper lipped about it. We’d like to see more patronising understating of serious issues. Palestine and Israel can be rebranded ‘the tiff’. The Arab Spring would be ‘the hissy fits’.

Anyway back to Ken.

Ken has been trying to get prison reforms pushed through the House of Commons. We won’t bore you with the details, but the aim is to reduce the prison population which has more than doubled in the last 20 years.

Tuesday’s Sun helpfully condensed the reforms down to the wonderful headline ‘Ken: Free All The Monsters’ like an order from an insane scientist.

And to think there are those that think that the press stifle debate just as much as they encourage it.

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Hey! Tony Bennett! We know you’ve got a duets LP to promote, but forget all that – we wanna know what you think about terrorism. Y’know, you’re not exactly a 100% American lookin’ anyway, which effectively makes you a foreigner. As such, you’re probably sympathetic to those terrorist guys, right?

What’s that?

You think that America itself is to blame for the 9/11 attacks in New York? You heard that George W. Bush thinks the whole thing is just one big mistake? Why, that’s not very American is it? It’s borderline reasonable for a start!

That’s right kiddiekins! Tony Bennett is opening that old mouth of his and talking about 9/11. He says that the whole attack on the World Trade Centre (et al) is solely the fault of Americans themselves.

What, so they waved the planes into the side of the building?

Of course not. Bennett said to Howard Stern:

“I’m anti-war. It’s the lowest form of human behaviour.”

“To start a war in Iraq was a tremendous, tremendous mistake internationally.”

However, however, however… those pesky terrorists started it all, right?

“I don’t know about that. Who are the terrorists? Are we the terrorists or are they the terrorists? Two wrongs don’t make a right … They flew the plane in, but we caused it … We were bombing them and they told us to stop.”

But. Wait. Hang on a doggone minute. George W Bush wouldn’t have irritated anyone enough to make them want to retaliate, right? Those guys picked a fight with America and Bush went after ‘em… right? What? Bush told you otherwise?

“He told me personally that night … ‘I think I made a mistake.’”

At least these comments didn’t come on the back of the 10th anniversary of the attacks.

Ah yes. They did. This makes Tony Bennett the celebsphere’s grouchy ol’ grandparent who can’t be bothered to keep their mouth shut anymore and just says exactly what they think.

It’s brilliant.

Now, all we have to do is to wait for our American cousins to start running their mouths off like Bennett just burned a flag and wiped his dick on the Bill of Rights (which, incidentally, should be Tony Bennett’s next PR stunt).

And while you’re shouting and hopping mad, remember, this is all your own stupid fault.

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Wanking Hard or Hardly Wanking?

Folded

• The Spaghetti Western Orchestra – You have until 8.49pm BST to watch this wonderfully weird Proms performance. Do it.
• Hitchcock’s Cameos – In the first of too many Tumblr posts in this week’s ‘Creased or Folded?’, here’s some of Hitchcock’s cameos. He’s the Jon Favreau of the Golden Age.
• Photographs of China - Twitter’s very own @herrschweers lives in China and is keeping an ace photo-journal of his experiences.
• Film Noir - Get into Empire’s guide to becoming an expert in just ten films.
• Nature Photographs – It’s just photos of animals & trees & stuff. There’s not many jokes in that.

Creased

• Russia – How dare they delay this vitally important world record bid?!
• Space Debris – There’s too much! What’s to be done with our celestial junkyard?!
• Mabbs & Justice – Remember, when they pop up on BBC3, you heard it here first.
• Nadine Dorries – Just in case you’d forgotten.
• Squirtle – Anyone who has ever played Pokémon will be familiar with this little dude but sorry, this is just too damn creepy.

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Cher has a son. He’s called Chaz. Chaz used to be a girl, but now isn’t. And that’s fine because what he looks at when naked in the mirror doesn’t affect anyone but him or who he has sex with. Right? WRONG.

See, America – because it’s filled with judgemental Christian dickheads – completely believes that Chaz Bono’s genitalia it’s everyone business.

That’s why there’s a load of hooting fools all kicking off about Chaz’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars. WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY? You’d hope Jesus would have better things to do with his time than watching dreadful dancing competitions. And Cher? She’s not happy about it at all.

Chaz is the first transgender competitor on the dancing contest and as such, in the name of equality, look just as daft as everyone else in their hideous outfits while badly gyrating around a ballroom floor to some half-baked version of ‘Smooth’ by Carlos Santana.

And people are attacking Chaz with their words, spitting about how disgusting it is that someone who has taken presumably an agonising decision to realign their gender, should want to partake in a television programme.

It’s awful isn’t it?

And Cher has hit out against naysayers on twitter, saying:

“lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it

One group, who sound particularly lovely, called One Million Moms, who have a goal to fight the “filth many segments of our society, especially the entertainment media,” are urging people to

“Email ABC Network and let them know that we will not tolerate these subjects being forced into our homes.”

Didya hear that? The real tragedy here is that Americans are actively forced by their government to watch Dancing With The Stars. The off button refuses to work while it broadcasts and all channels are required by law to air it. There is no escape outside either, as the show itself is projected onto the sky for all to see.

Poor, poor Christian America. They’re forced to face a thing they simply refuse to understand based on the teachings of some Middle Eastern hippie with holes in his paws.

Good thing none of these Christians are fat, because last time we checked, gluttony was high on the list of sins.

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