We’re just mere hours away from the most important day in the United States of America: election day. And of course, there have been screeds – miles of newspaper reports – written about the economic, social, war and foreign policies of the two presidential candidates.
But nowadays no-one gives a shit about that. We’re a celebrity-driven culture. You’re reading HecklerSpray. You want to know who to vote for not on the basis of the candidates’ positions, but on their celebrity endorsers. Who’s endosring Barack Obama, and who’s for Mitt Romney? Think of it like Celebrity Deathmatch: Politics Edition.
We start off in the world of big hitting celebrity musicians! You’ve got Jay-Z (and Beyonce) on the side of Barack Obama, representing the left, while Donny Osmond (and sister Marie, too) are backing Mitt “The Mormon” Romney. When you both wear the same underwear, you’re bound to support a guy in his endeavours.
In the battle of the redneck hick vote, it’s freak wrangler (and avowed Democrat) Jerry Springer against Republican Larry the Cable Guy. We’re betting that Larry could throw some punches while Jerry would try (and fail) to talk his way out of any fight.
The ‘big chests for candidate X’ Super PACs are represented by Katy Perry and Lindsay Lohan, both of whom have gone big in their support of their respective candidates. But one of them is batshit insane and a coke fiend, so you have to weigh that up.
All of the celebrities named above seem like seasoned politican analysts and talented orators in comparison to these two: you have Kim Kardashian batting for Obama on the left, while Heidi Montag looks purely ecstatic to be supporting Mitt Romney’s bid. One of them will be happy come November 6; the other will be as dumb as ever before.
You might think that the Frat Pack spend their mealtimes belching and trying to gross each other out, but actually THEY DEBATE THE ISSUES. Will Ferrell is a big fan of big government, while Adam Sandler has had enough of Barack Obama and is a big fan of Mitt Romney’s Bain work.
So there you have it: enlightened political debate here on HecklerSpray. Turns out the apocalypse is upon us.