Barry Manilow, these days, looks like a man constantly doing a bank robbery with a pair of tights squeezed over that peculiar face of his. That’s the perils of indulging in FAR TOO MUCH plastic surgery folks!

And now, Baz The Manilow is shuffling to recovery after undergoing hip replacement surgery, like he’s someone’s nan.

Of course, now he’s got new hips, only his eyeballs are the things he was born with, leaving absolutely everything else constructed by now incredibly wealthy plastic surgeons. Basically, he’s the Frankenstein’s Monster of MOR.

The 362-year-old star underwent an operation to treat an inflammatory condition called bursitis or something and quacks repaired some torn leg muscles. Presumably, they were under too much strain after being pulled toward his eerily immovable face.

If you ever see Manilow with a jazz beard, you can absolutely assume that his facelift is so tight that it has pulled his public hair all the way up to his neck.

In a letter posted on Facebook, Manilow gave fans an update on his progress.

He wrote:

“I tell you, going though something as rough as this makes you very grateful for a lot of things. Grateful for the genius doctors who can perform this incredibly complicated surgery; grateful for the caregivers who treated me like their own family and most of all grateful for good health. I will never, never take being healthy for granted again.

“Not being able to do anything without a team of people helping me was an eye opener. And I mean anything. Like getting out of bed or getting to the john to brush my teeth…”

Aw, someone had to help him whizz! That’s nice isn’t it? We bet his genitals look exactly like his face.

He added:

“The good news is that after three nightmarish weeks, I’m coming back from the dead. I’m slowly beginning to walk – still with a walker – but I think that will be over soon… The doctors say that everything should start to ease up by the end of this week. If that’s so, what a great New Year’s Eve I’m going to have!”

A great NYE with the weirdest face in pop! HURRAY! Hopefully, he can have a think about that song of his, ‘I Write The Songs’, which he didn’t write. It’s been bugging us for years!

It must be awful when you’ve become so fat, so disgustingly obese, so very massive that you have you’re own blood group and that blood group is Rocky Road.

So absurdly gargantuan that the only way to way to lose weight is resort to some serious cosmetic surgery that sucks out all the little fat babies that Domino’s Pizza lay inside you and sends them to lipid Heaven.

Sounds horrible doesn’t it?

Well this is how Craig Revel Horwood, the strategically nasty Judge of Strictly Come Dancing and not much else fame is feeling every single day.

The poor man. The poor, stupidly affluent man.

After years of eating pies and living with a silver shovel in his mouth, Revel Horwood, or Super Rev if we were to believe what he tells us, has managed to not spend money on Refresher bars and gobstoppers long enough to save up £3,000 for the surgery, and a further £6,000 for the crane to carry him in and out of the hospital.

The Strictly star complained of uncomfortable chest pains and agreed to have the surgery before realising that this was how everyone felt when they saw Nancy Dell’olio for the first time.

“I couldn’t cha-cha-cha about without them jiggling in my face. I was fed up with having tits so I had them hoovered away and now I feel fabulous.”

Poor Craig Revel Horwood not being able to cha-cha-cha when he wants to. He’s such a trooper.

Simon Cowell isn’t looking as old as he used to. Sure, he’s looking weirder than he used to, but that’s clearly down to American dentistry, leaving him looking like a boiled potato with some dentures jammed in.

While you may think the music mogul/overlord has been under the surgeon’s knife, well, you may well be right. We’ve no idea. We’re more interested in the news that he’s been swigging a magic potion to thwart the ravages of time.

But is it so magic that it will reverse the ageing process so much that he will return to his baby form, gurgling and filling his high-waisted trousers with liquid green crap?

It has been reported (ergo, ‘made-up’ or ‘speculated’) that Cowell has TURNED HIS BACK ON BISCUITS (what kind of ghoul turns their back on biscuits?) in favour of becoming obsessed with an exotic smoothie.

Get that! A smoothie, but exotic!

Some source who has probably never even seen a picture of Cowell, let alone met him, assures us:

“He’s obsessed with staying healthy and wants to look after himself. The drink is an extension of that. It is not cheap to make and involves lots of hard-to-buy fruit which we need to take on the road. But for someone like Simon it is not a big deal if it costs a lot”

It probably contains unicorn tears and freshly squeezed rocking horse heart as well.

Apparently, this voodoo glug is made for Simon every day while he’s on the road for his travelling grief circus. And you want to know what’s in it don’t you?

Start shopping for lingonberry, acerola berry, choke berry and aronia juice, if indeed, they exist at all.

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Heidi Montag got a number of cosmetic procedures, for the purpose of selling magazine covers and also for ratings on her (recently cancelled) TV show.

To be honest, it was a big waste of time. The reality star got most of the procedures just for the sake of keeping herself amused. You know, like when you’re at the shops and you can’t remember what you wanted so you fill your basket with jelly babies and nothing else just so that you don’t go home empty-handed.

During a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest on Monday, Heidi revealed more details about those ten surgeries in one day. You remember, it was the day the sky became black and the ground rumbled as Heidi made that particular deal with the devil. Well, that was also the day Heidi got assorted pointless procedures including nose, cheekbone and chin jobs, an eyebrow lift, a breast enlargement, and fat injections. None of which made her look that much better. It has been about five months since the surgeries and her face still looks puffy. The only striking differences are her chin, which she had filed down, and her ridiculous boobs.

One little-mentioned procedure she endured was a ‘back scooping’, which sounds terrifying. Seriously, we mean that. Why on earth would one wish to have any part of one’s body ‘scooped’. They may as well just use the word eviscerated, and make sure they really do scare off all the pansies. Yeah, we’re pretty sure doctors are calling you a bunch of pansies if you don’t arbitrarily sign up to the most dangerous-sounding procedures they offer.

From Us Weekly:

In addition to familiar-sounding enhancements — nose, cheekbone and chin jobs, eyebrow lift, breast enlargement, fat injections — Montag said that she also “had my back scooped.”  When Ryan Seacrest asked her to clarify what a “back scoop” is, Montag replied, “I actually didn’t know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit.”

Heidi also shares some wonderful news; she’ll no longer be able to spread the plague via hugs. Apparently her new body is so fragile that it could snap in two under the pressure. That being said, you may want to go and buy some of those surgical masks, as we’re now convinced that her lurgy-spreading has become airborne.

The star said she also “had my waist cinched in on both sides.”  And the reality star has all the gory details on tape. “I have the footage of my ten procedures,” Montag warned. “Going into it, getting it done…I’ve watched a little bit.” The bloody footage might see the light of day in a future reality show, Montag hinted.  Post-surgery, Montag says she “has a great body now,” but there are drawbacks. “I’m very weird about hugging people now — [my body] is very fragile.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse. She’s wonderful.

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Remember Chantelle Houghton?

Sure you do – she was the winner of Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago, back when people actually watched it and the show wasn't relegated to E4 with an audience consisting entirely of Dermot O' Leary's mother (who only tuned in out of a sense of grim, WW2-like duty).

Well, brace yourselves. Bet you all thought that Chantelle's naturally graceful poise and beauty was just the result of superior breeding, didn't you? Bet you wept tears of jealousy knowing that a mere mortal like yourself could never attain such heights of genetic perfection? Fear not, children. It turns out that your bitter, fuming, stranger-stabbing envy was completely unfounded.

Chantelle, you see – and a number of other pointless oxygen-thieving 'celebrities' – have apparently been treating themselves to a bit of discount plastic surgery every now and then.

Hecklerspray is particularly interested in this. We'd love to find out how such normally expensive procedures can be done on the cheap. Life is a constant misery, what with having to put up with the cruel taunts of passers-by – stuff like 'you look like Brad Pitt, loser' and 'nice muscleboard abs and sturdy masculine cheekbones, you freak.' We're so tired, people. So tired.

Anyway. It would seem the best way to procure some cut-price surgery is to get yerself represented by Neon Management, the 'talent' agency behind such luminaries as dear old Chantelle, fellow Big Brother cretin Chanelle Hayes, tit wielder Nikki Sanderson and son-of-an-alcoholic-wife-beating-thug Calum Best – a list of people so supernaturally useless that the universe would probably give up on itself and commit hari-kari were they all to gather in the same room.

The catch? All the stars have to do is wax lyrical about Transform (the plastic surgery clinic) during interviews. PR representative Shami Choudry explained the move:

"By teaming up with Neon, we can get the recognition we deserve."

Absolutely. It's about time those noble, valiant heroes of the plastic surgery industry got some sort of break, isn't it? Face it – it's not as if they pull in countless millions of pounds every single year.

Still – relying on Chantelle to be articulate enough to give good PR might just be a bit of a gamble. Unless Transform are really quite keen on the slogan "yeah, plastic face-makey stuff is, like, wicked, innit? Can I have another Bacardi Breezer, please?"

"And a career?"

Read More:

Chantelle Does NOT Want You To Know This – Heatworld

You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson's bruised and scarred new face – but so what? 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery' isn't news, it's an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate.

But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' – now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.

All being well, The Jackson Five will go on tour next year with Michael Jackson included in the line-up. Whether or not Michael Jackson will reprise his winning vocals on songs like ABC and I Want You Back or just stand in the shadows self-consciously jigging from side to side in silence because his face looks like it's been half-eaten by a hungry pig, though, will mostly be down to how much his plastic surgery has healed by then.

Earlier this week, newspapers and websites were full of pictures of Michael Jackson's horribly bandaged face, prompting speculation that he'd undergone even more plastic surgery. And if these new reports are correct, that's exactly what he's done. However, Michael Jackson didn't have plastic surgery on his mouth because of vanity or anything like that – Michael Jackson had plastic surgery on his face because he was beaten up by a tiny infant child.

Apparently Michael Jackson was playing around with his five-year-old son Prince Michael II when the boy walloped him him the mouth and burst his face wide open. Prince Michael II, of course, is the child that Michael Jackson once dangled from a balcony like a nimrod, but it's not known if the boy slammed his fist into Michael Jackson's kisser because of that.

According to a source – who seems to enjoy life's more horrible details a little too much – this is how the Michael Jackson lip explosion went down:

"He was whacked in the face accidentally by his younger son Prince Michael II while playing around and part of Jackson's upper lip collapsed. That mishap led an hysterical Jacko to make a beeline for the plastic surgeon for a bit of quickie repair work."

Now, imagine that you're five years old and you've just accidentally hit your Dad in the face, only for a considerable section of it to explode, leading to him screaming and flailing around and bleeding lip-gore everywhere. Usually that'd be a profoundly distressing incident for a normal child to have caused, but on the other hand his Dad is Michael Jackson, so this all probably ranks fairly low on the weirdometer.

And, of course, our heart also goes out to Michael Jackson. We can't imagine what it must be like for him so suffer such grisly injuries from an attack by his own young son. It must be almost enough to put him off children for good.

Read more:

Jackson's lips 'burst and collapsed' – Metro 

Kanye West never made any secret of how much his mother Dr Donda West meant to him, filling his albums with mentions of her and, in one case, an entire song dedicated to her.

But now Donda West is dead at the tragically young age of 58, and it's time for Kanye West and the authorities to find out why. At the moment the finger seems to be pointing to complications arising from a cosmetic surgery procedure, possibly involving an existing heart condition. Regardless of whose mother she was, Donda West's death will come as a shock to the increasing number of people who see cosmetic surgery as a completely harmless routine procedure. Although the majority of plastic surgery operations go smoothly, chances are the world is asking the same question today: why Kanye West's mother and not, say, Jodie Marsh?

Up until Saturday, 2007 was set to be Kanye West's year. Still one of the most in-demand producers on the planet, Kanye West managed to score gigantic, record-breaking first-week sales of his latest album Graduation while still managing to squeeze in his traditional award-show tantrums and furthering the obligatory rapper sideline of apparel, accessories and charity foundations simultaneously.

Actually, Kanye West wasn't exactly in charge of that last part – that was the job of his mother Donda West, the former chairwoman of the Chicago State University English department. Donda West was in charge of Super Good, the parent company of everything Kanye West-related, as well as being the woman who raised Kanye West alone since he was 11 months old. Donda was also an important creative influence on Kanye, who once said of his mother that: 

"I never make any important decision without consulting her."

And now Donda West is dead at 58, after paramedics were called to her house at 7:35pm on Saturday. Although initial reports suggested nothing was amiss with her death, details started to emerge yesterday saying that she died of complications following an operation, and now it seems almost certain that she died after a cosmetic procedure.

Why? Following the announcement of her death, Dr. Andre Aboolian, a Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon, has come forward to say that he refused to operate on Donda a fortnight ago because of an undisclosed preexisting medical condition of hers. Although far from conclusive, it seems as though the medical condition could be the explanation for her untimely death. Meanwhile, the surgeon who operated on Donda West – Dr. Jan Adams – says that he did nothing wrong during the procedure and that she may have died from a heart attack, pulmonary embolism or vomiting. No doubt after a coroner's report is published all will be made clear.

As for Kanye West, a statement released on behalf of his family read:

"Kanye West, his family and friends would like to thank everyone for the outpouring of support and kind words that have come in from across the country since the death of his mother, Dr. Donda West."

There has been no word on the status of the UK tour Kanye West was due to kick off next Thursday in London, or any of his other forthcoming projects.