Here at hecklerspray we have so much sweet love to give, that there’s not enough humans to satisfy our seemingly unquenchable libido.

Sure we’ve considered bestiality but we are sticklers for social etiquette and we’ve heard that being balls deep in a penguin is something of a no-no.

So far the closest we’ve come was to let a woodlouse crawl on our male/female parts. Yes. We have both. However, we’ve compiled a list of non-human totty that we just wouldn’t be able to resist.

The rules are:

Nothing that resembles humans too closely (take note Star Trek fans, it takes more than green skin or a bit of metal glued next to your eye to make our list).

Nothing that’s actually meant to be found attractive. This is a guilty pleasure and should be frowned on morally, if not legally. We’re not falling for your seductive marketing tricks, Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny!

So, with that, let us unveil our darkest fantasies and hopefully, with it, allowing you to reveal your own twisted fancy-pieces in the comments.

We’re sure to have missed some oddities out that really tickle your pickle, aren’t we?

Join us.

The water feels great.

Ari from Planet of the Apes (2001).

Okay so she’s Helena Bonham-Carter, but someone would still stick their hand up when the vicar asks “if anyone knows any reason” at the wedding, so it counts! We think it’s the whole sultry, submissive thing she’s got going on. Also, if it works out we can have a ménage a trois with real apes in the jungle, David Attenborough style.

The Gelflings from The Dark Crystal.

We don’t care which one- boy or girl. Both at the same time? We reckon we could talk them round- they seem quite impressionable. We admit there is an uncomfortable question mark over age, but this is fantasy and Jim Henson doesn’t cover Gelfling sexual biology. Or age of consent.

Celia Mae from Monsters Inc

An irresistible mix of soppy and dangerous; like a fifties housewife with a penchant for bondage.

Miss Bianca from The Rescuers

Maybe it’s the accent which just reeks of glamour. Maybe it’s the lifestyle. All we know is that Miss Bianca is our gateway drug into sex with rodents.

Bugs Bunny in drag

With his relaxed manner and quick wits, Bugs is quite an enticing prospect. When he dresses in drag, resistance is pointless. If memory serves, he didn’t need much encouragement to don lipstick and fake boobs. Never has eating a carrot looked more erotic.

Milady from Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds.

Milady is sexy because she’s bad. She’s also a cat, and cats always look like they want it. In the Dumas original she used to be married to a musketeer. In the cartoon the musketeers are dogs. Therefore we conclude that she is not adverse to looking to other species for company, meaning that we stand a chance. [Editor's Note: You also saw her bloomers in the credits. Look.]

EVE from WALL-E

Never mind curves, check out those smooth surfaces! EVE is everything you could want from a woman. She’s strong but can still be charmed, she’s functional but aesthetically pleasing. Still not sure? Remember that coy giggle she does while she covers her face with her hand? Quite. Watch WALL-E, and you’ll never be able to look at white goods again without having impure thoughts.

Who have we missed? Perhaps you fancy an affair with Laa-Laa from the Teletubbies? You could watch dirty films on her belly. Let us know…

Or walk away, shaking your head in disgust.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Estella Warren may not be a household name exactly, but some of you may recognise her from Planet Of The Apes and the fact she used to get her busters out as a Victoria’s Secret model. We’re not especially interested in that – we’re more thrilled about her law breaking skills.

The professional thong-occupier is in all kindsa trouble with the law after she went nutso while completely plastered!

She was arrested in Los Angeles under suspicion of driving under the influence. How did anyone know she was off her bap? There’s the small matter of (allegedly) crashing into three parked cars in her Toyota Prius. She then drove away from the scene thinking that no-one would notice. But they did. And that’s when the real fun started!

A rep for the LA Sheriff’s Department says:

“Warren hit three parked cars in what was considered three separate collisions. Someone local heard the noise and called the police.”

The police then caught up with her and instead of holding up her hands and saying ‘fair cop; where do we go from here then?’, she thought the best course of action would be to kick an officer. She was hilariously re-arrested for felony battery.

So far, so typical of a celebrity arrest. However, Estella wasn’t finished by a long chalk.

Apparently, according to one of the drivers who saw their car pranged by a loaded bap-model, she decided to have a go at them as well!

They say:

“I believe she hit at least two other cars before she stopped. When I approached her she was obviously drunk and acting crazy. A few more residents approached her, but she started yelling and accused us of stealing things from her. When I told her she had to wait for the police to arrive she lashed out at me and started to ‘girl-slap’ me on my chest and arms.”

She was then taken to a local women’s police station (which sounds rather sexy, don’t you think? Not like Prisoner Cell Black H at all!) for processing. While getting booked, Warren somehow managed to pull a Houdini and wriggle out of her handcuffs and legged it out of the back door of the station! BRILLIANT!

The police rep continued:

“She was uncooperative and demanding. She removed her handcuffs and fled the police station. She was captured and transported back”

So she is now being booked for a hit and run, felony escape and DUI… this amounts to a champion bail of $100,000.Well done Estella. We need people like you now that Lindsay Lohan has gone boring.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Do you find that Planet Of The Apes, its four movie sequels, movie remake, TV series, cartoon show and books haven’t left you satisfied?

Do you often get irritated because, even though you could literally drown in all the different versions of Planet Of The Apes that have been made over the years, nobody’s ever bothered to tell you what happened on the planet almost 2,000 years before the events of the original movie?

If you do, we have two pieces of advice for you – 1) hold onto your hat, because Fox is apparently very close to starting production on that exact Planet Of The Apes prequel, entitled Genesis: Apes, set 1,969 years before the original movie, and 2) stop wasting your life, you friendless nincompoop.

Aside from inexplicably continuing to give Vin Diesel work, Hollywood loves nothing more than overloading a hot trend until its wheels fall off. And the hottest trend of the moment would appear to be the utterly needless prequel.

Looking at the production schedules, we can see that there’s a Wolverine prequel coming out soon, plus a Star Trek prequel, the prequel to Lord Of The Rings and a Terminator movie that’s a sort of prequel but not really. But that’s nothing, because there’s a Planet Of The Apes prequel coming out, and if you judge a prequel’s quality on the space of time between the setting of the prequel and the original, then it’s going to be the best prequel ever made.

The original Planet Of The Apes was set in the year 3978, but if you want to trace back to the exact moment which set off the chain of events that ended up with Charlton Heston wailing around on his knees like a sandy bellend, you need to go back 1,969 years to – oh, this is a coincidence – 2009.

That’s apparently the plot of new Planet Of The Apes prequel Genesis: Apes. And to prove we’re not making any of this up, here’s a quote about it from Fox’s Tom Rothman, as found on CHUD:

We are very close at Fox on a new Apes script- this one a kind of prequel story before the first story, with a return to the social thematics that mark the first one, but with an entirely contemporary setting – Earth 2009.

So, just to make this clear, the new Planet Of The Apes sequel won’t be set on the ape planet as we know it, nor will it feature very many clever monkeys. Maybe there’ll be a chimpanzee with a metal colander on its head who can talk through a machine, but apart from that there’ll be a bunch of grumpy humans listening to Katy Perry and not much else.

Who knows why Planet Of The Apes is getting this prequel. Maybe it’s because strong sales of Planet Of The Apes DVDs proves that demand for the new movie is there. Or maybe someone at Fox is friends with Tim Burton and deliberately wants to make a Planet Of The Apes movie that’ll make Tim’s 2001 remake look less crap in comparison. Or maybe people just think they’ll get rich if they cynically knock out a massively unnecessary Planet Of The Apes prequel without putting much thought in.

Let’s hope the last one isn’t the case, because if Genesis: Apes is successful then we’re going to be overloaded with prequels set thousands of years before the original. And a trend that logically concludes with a Four Christmases prequel where Vince Vaughn‘s great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather hits Reese Witherpoon‘s great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandmother over the head with a club and then insincerely marvels at the invention of fire is not a good trend at all.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

We like this, we don’t like that.

Folded:

• The return of The Music (but where have they been?)

• The Gourmet Chocolate Pizza Company (they make tasty chocolate pizzas for those who already have beef ice cream and orange flavoured brie)

• Planet of the Apes DVD collection for £10 at HMV (£10 would be worth it for one of the films)

• Stella Artois’ Pass It On advert (For the music really, a beautiful original composed score by Jim Copperthwaite)

• Finally playing Grand Theft Auto IV (it’s not much of a departure from the previous games, but is that a bad thing? It is not)

Creased:

• Forgetting Sarah Marshall (not as awful as shutting your fingers in a car door, but nowhere near as funny as it thinks it is)

• Leica M8 camera – £3000 (for a still camera’s body? We wouldn’t pay that for Scarlett Johansson’s body)

• Teen-aimed comedy (there sure is a lot of it on TV at the moment. Teenagers should be taking paracetamols and shoplifting in H&M, not wasting time in front of the box. Save that for the rest of us)

• Tesco no longer stopped selling Robinson’s Grape and Melon High Juice (so, we riot…)

• Scarlett Johansson’s singing (this she isn’t good at. Body stuff, fine. Singing, no)