Top 7 Non-Humans We Really Shouldn’t Want To Do It With, But We Do

Here at hecklerspray we have so much sweet love to give, that there’s not enough humans to satisfy our seemingly unquenchable libido.

Sure we’ve considered bestiality but we are sticklers for social etiquette and we’ve heard that being balls deep in a penguin is something of a no-no.

So far the closest we’ve come was to let a woodlouse crawl on our male/female parts. Yes. We have both. However, we’ve compiled a list of non-human totty that we just wouldn’t be able to resist.

The rules are:

Nothing that resembles humans too closely (take note Star Trek fans, it takes more than green skin or a bit of metal glued next to your eye to make our list).

Nothing that’s actually meant to be found attractive. This is a guilty pleasure and should be frowned on morally, if not legally. We’re not falling for your seductive marketing tricks, Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny!

So, with that, let us unveil our darkest fantasies and hopefully, with it, allowing you to reveal your own twisted fancy-pieces in the comments.

We’re sure to have missed some oddities out that really tickle your pickle, aren’t we?

Join us.

The water feels great.

Ari from Planet of the Apes (2001).

Okay so she’s Helena Bonham-Carter, but someone would still stick their hand up when the vicar asks “if anyone knows any reason” at the wedding, so it counts! We think it’s the whole sultry, submissive thing she’s got going on. Also, if it works out we can have a ménage a trois with real apes in the jungle, David Attenborough style.

The Gelflings from The Dark Crystal.

We don’t care which one- boy or girl. Both at the same time? We reckon we could talk them round- they seem quite impressionable. We admit there is an uncomfortable question mark over age, but this is fantasy and Jim Henson doesn’t cover Gelfling sexual biology. Or age of consent.

Celia Mae from Monsters Inc

An irresistible mix of soppy and dangerous; like a fifties housewife with a penchant for bondage.

Miss Bianca from The Rescuers

Maybe it’s the accent which just reeks of glamour. Maybe it’s the lifestyle. All we know is that Miss Bianca is our gateway drug into sex with rodents.

Bugs Bunny in drag

With his relaxed manner and quick wits, Bugs is quite an enticing prospect. When he dresses in drag, resistance is pointless. If memory serves, he didn’t need much encouragement to don lipstick and fake boobs. Never has eating a carrot looked more erotic.

Milady from Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds.

Milady is sexy because she’s bad. She’s also a cat, and cats always look like they want it. In the Dumas original she used to be married to a musketeer. In the cartoon the musketeers are dogs. Therefore we conclude that she is not adverse to looking to other species for company, meaning that we stand a chance. [Editor's Note: You also saw her bloomers in the credits. Look.]

EVE from WALL-E

Never mind curves, check out those smooth surfaces! EVE is everything you could want from a woman. She’s strong but can still be charmed, she’s functional but aesthetically pleasing. Still not sure? Remember that coy giggle she does while she covers her face with her hand? Quite. Watch WALL-E, and you’ll never be able to look at white goods again without having impure thoughts.

Who have we missed? Perhaps you fancy an affair with Laa-Laa from the Teletubbies? You could watch dirty films on her belly. Let us know…

Or walk away, shaking your head in disgust.

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Comments

  1. Rich Fraser says

    “The rules are:

    Nothing that resembles humans too closely (take note Star Trek fans, it takes more than green skin or a bit of metal glued next to your eye to make our list).

    Nothing that’s actually meant to be found attractive. This is a guilty pleasure and should be frowned on morally, if not legally. We’re not falling for your seductive marketing tricks, Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny!”

    Jessica Rabbit is both an overly-sexualised version of a noir club singer and, perhaps most importantly, a cartoon of a human being. Hope that helps you in your comprehension of the words above.

  2. Si Sharp says

    When compiling these I took the Avatar people as the example of ‘too human/objectively attractive’. Anything less human/objectively attractive than them is fine.

    Pity in a way since they have tails, and tails are hot.

  3. Yami says

    Well, how about every single animated disney character EVER!
    ex. Lady (lady and the tramp), vixey (fox and the hound), maid marian(robin hood), nala (the lion king), dixie (fox and the hound 2), angel (lady and the tramp 2), faline (bambi)… And that’s most of them :D
    To rank the top 5 would be:
    1. Maid Marian
    2. Vixey
    3. Dixie
    4. Miss Bianca
    5. Angel

    Disney is a perv ;)