9 – Pamela Anderson in her knickers. You know, FOR ONCE – AmyGrindhouse

8 - And now, the most genuinely gruesome thing you will see all day - Geekologie

7 – All the best Windows 7 news you could ever want, if you want it – Interestment

6 - Here’s another Ian Dransfield podcast, for those of you who miss Ian Dransfield as much as we do – Play

5 - A picture from the new A-Team film which, incidentally, you probably shouldn’t get too excited about – Clothesonfilm

4 - The best and worst brothers in Hollywood, for your delectation – PopEater

3 - What’s better than a video of a birthday transvestite attacking a child a with pepper spray? That’s right, NOTHING – Nothingtoxic

2 - Why it’s our old friend Courage Wolf – Thechive

1 - Superman IV: The Quest For Peace was on TV this weekend, and it reminded us of what a glorious movie it is. Sit back and enjoy this obvious majesty…

For those who don’t know what Panto is, it’s like a really rowdy play at the theatre, where babies are allowed to weep hysterically throughout, old men have permission to shout racist slurs at the soap opera actors, most of whom casually blurt out crudely masked sexual references in front of an auditorium mainly comprising eight-year-olds.

As is befitting such a glorious show, Panto season coincides with Christmas.

The big news this year is that Pamela Anderson will be taking part in a production of Aladdin – she’s playing the genie. The results of this have been twofold. Firstly, the audience will feel a shift in the child-to-adult ratio, with a slew of horny fathers wiping sweat from their top lips, as Pammie makes some clumsy reference to her tits. And secondly, it could mark the beginning of a Hollywood Panto season takeover. In years to come we might have De Niro playing Buttons in whichever panto it is that features Buttons. We also think that Ed Norton could really shine as Dick Whittington. But, until then, let’s bask in some of the big names from over the pond who have already lit up these so-called Pantomimes…

Henry Winkler

Ahh, we loved Henry Winkler when he played The Fonz. We particularly adored it when he used to adopt the two-thumbs-up pose and go “ehhh”, because something really cool had just happened. We also found him rather wonderful to watch in Arrested Development. However, Fonzie fans might be surprised to know that Henry counteracted his rather flaccid attempts at cracking the movie business by sneaking over to England to play Captain Hook in Milton Keynes a couple of years ago. “We don’t have panto in America,” he said, “and it sounds unbelievably fun.” It’s definitely unbelievably something, Henry.

Paul Michael Glaser

Like Henry, Paul Michael Glaser spent most of the 1970s being superhip. In his case, it was playing a cop in cardigans called Starsky. As in Starsky and Hutch. Since then, he’s stamped his mark as a director, being at the helm of one of Arnie’s finest hours, Running Man, but then slowly he descended into career hell, which culminated in him guffawing on stage for a gaggle of angry Sunderland kids, when he did a turn in Aladdin. That was during his SECOND year of panto.

Steve Guttenberg

Who didn’t love Guttenberg in the 1980s? No one, that’s who. He was the wise cracking hero in Police Academy, he did that film about aliens that make old people want to have sex, and then he dicked around with the great Tom Selleck, and the even better Ted Danson. For a time, he looked set fair to become one of the all time greats. So what happened? A very limp 1990s, that’s what. So limp that he never quite recovered, leaving his trolleyed self-esteem to disappear down the plug hole as he tottered around on a swishy US dancing show, then degraded himself further in Cinderella in Bromley. As in Kent.

Who wrote this? Why it was marvellous Josh Burt from sterling Interestment.

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Any decade responsible for The Spice Girls, Ally McBeal, New Labour and the return of Manchester United needs to take a long, hard look at itself. But the Nineties was also a force of much good. It brought us TV shows such as South Park, The Simpsons, Baywatch, The X-Files and Seinfeld.

OK, so technically Seinfeld and The Simpsons began just before 1990, but this no time to get bogged down in technicalities. We are only dealing with sweeping generalisations today.

Music? Well, it was the decade which saw the rise of Teen Spirit and Britpop, while at the cinema the movies were just as crap as they were in the Eighties. Told you we were only dealing with sweeping generalisations.

It was also the decade of Girl Power – best illustrated by the list below.

Yes, in the latest excuse to trawl through the internet looking for pictures of hot women, Hecklerspray has come up with a list of the hottest women during the 1990s. Believe us, it was not easy to keep the list down to just 26, but we somehow managed it through a potent mix of horse-trading, vote-rigging and coin-tossing.

We also made it easier by only focussing on the women who were present through most of the decade – so no Britney! Also, any sickos looking up this list hoping to see Alicia Silverstone will be disappointed. Sickos. Go get your kicks elsewhere.

26. Louise Wener

A Stu Heritage favourite, the Sleeper singer made a career out of looking gormless.

25. Hope Sandoval

We still live in hope of one day ‘getting to know’ the sultry Mazzy Star singer.

24. Lisa Loeb

Nice glasses.

23. Louise Nurding

Now married to former Premiership star Jamie Redknapp, Louise was the star of UK girl group Eternal, who did absolutely nothing memorable at all.

22. Teri Hatcher

OK, so she’s really annoying now, but think back to the times when she was in Superman. Happy times.

21. Sherilyn Fenn

Love her Twin Peaks.

20. Laetitia Casta

One of the hottest Victoria’s Secret models of all time – and that is some list.

19. Kate Moss

Not a personal favourite, but certainly the second most attractive women from Croydon ever.

18. Michelle Pfeiffer

Nice pussy.

17. Claudia Schiffer

More like Claudia Stiffer.

16. Kathy Ireland

OK, any Sport Illustrated swimwear model is just about perfect – but Kathy Ireland was a cut above.

15. Jenny McCarthy

Picture says it all.

14. Elle McPherson

The Aussie model had one Elle of a body.

13. Tiffany Amber Thiessen

Adored when she played the nice cheerleader in Saved by the Bell, Tiffany’s popularity shown shot up even further when she became a slut in Beverly Hills 90210.

12. Shania Twain

She impresses us much.

11. Shannon Elizabeth


Who would not want  a slice of this piece of American Pie?

10. Winona Ryder

Everyone’s favourite shoplifter.

9. Cindy Crawford

Where there’s a mole, there’s a goal.

8. Marisa Tomei

Loved her in The Wrestler – but why could she not have played a pole dancer in the 90s?

7. Christy Turlington

Put the ‘super’ in supermodel.

6. Gillian Anderson

We would all like to sully Scully.

5. Shannon Doherty

Naughty but nice.

4. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Gotta love the Hewitt.

3. Pamela Anderson

Remember the first time you saw in the red swimsuit? It was a beautiful moment.

2. Sarah Michelle Gellar

Love to see her in the Buffy.

1. Carmen Electra

Filled Pam’s red suit – and then some.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

In fact, just as long as you forget about the pathetic acting and dodgy dialogue – it was really rather good. Good, that is, as in we got to get a good look at some of the sexiest girls ever to appear on TV – in swimwear. Good, that is, as in we got to have a good look at their big bouncy breasts bobbing along the screen in fantastic slow motion. And good, as in we got to see all of it before the watershed.

Oh, and there and there was some blokes in it too. But we seriously can’t remember any of them – apart from The Hoff that is. But which Baywatch babe was the best? Who looked the hottest in the red swimsuit? Well Hecklerspray has decided to come up with our top eight.

Of course, it is just another pathetic excuse to prowl the internet looking for pictures of sexy girls. Life’s a beach. Enjoy.

8. Yasmine Bleeth

She is a pale shadow of her Baywatch days after falling into drug addiction, but it was some shadow.

7. Erika Eleniak

It’s not easy upstaging Steven Seagal – but she managed it in Under Seige. In fact, her eyebrows are actually bigger than his ponytail.

6. Donna D’Errico

The September 1995 Playboy Playmate of the Month was always worth tuning in for.

5. Traci Bingham

There are two very good reasons she belongs in the top five. See if you can guess what they are.

4. Nicole Eggert

Nicole would have been higher but for the crimes of having a breast reduction and getting engaged to Corey Haim. We are not sure which is more ridiculous.

3. Gena Lee Nolin

For a more convincing acting performance you should check out her sex tape.

2. Carmen Electra

Only just beaten to the top slot by Pammy. It’s tough making these decisions.

1. Pamela Anderson

Forget what you know about her now, just remember the first time you clapped eyes on her. Happy days.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Pamela Anderson hates Sarah Palin. She hates Sarah Palin’s stance on hunting, she hates Sarah Palin’s creationist beliefs and she hates Sarah Palin’s stupid voice, which is all like “Wer wer wer.” In fact, Pamela Anderson hates Sarah Palin so much that she’s told her to “suck it” on camera.

And when Pamela Anderson tells you to suck it, it’s not a request, it’s an order. Pamela Anderson literally wants you to suck it. Right now. Here and now, on this speedboat, Pamela Anderson wants you to suck it. She’s going to film it as well, so long as you’re cool with it. It’s not like it’s going to end up on the internet or anything.

We’ll say one thing for Sarah Palin – she might make us want to club our own faces into sludge every time she opens her mouth, but she’s quite good at winding the celebrities up.

So far, celebrity criticism of Sarah Palin has come in two forms – the considered, thoughtful arguments of Matt Damon and Diddy spinning around in his garden going “Wheeee!” and filming it. But now a third wave has arrived, and it’s got hepatitis.

As we previously mentioned, Sarah Palin and Pamela Anderson have a lot in common. Both of them had their first brush with fame by exploiting their bodies, both have used drugs in the past, both of them were basically brought up by toothless bearded hicks in log cabins in the middle of the woods and both are still weirdly sexualised even though one looks like a blistered strip of orange leather and the other one looks like a Moomin who’s gone legit, bought a used Vauxhall Tigra and decided to open up a nail salon.

However, there’s one thing that separates Sarah Palin and Pamela Anderson, and that’s animal rights. Show a picture of a fox to Pamela Anderson and she’ll go on a march to protect them, write letters about fox welfare to the head of every government in the world and probably marry a fox just for the hell of it; but show a picture of a fox to Sarah Palin and she’ll leap in a helicopter and bazooka it right out of your hands.

And that’s why the very mention of Sarah Palin’s name prompted this little tantrum by Pamela Anderson recently…

That told you, Sarah Palin. Now, if Barack Obama ends up winning the election, we hope it’s only right that he recognises all Pamela Anderson’s hard work in getting him the job and awards her with something suitably grand to show his gratitude, like a statue or a job on the cabinet. There is a Secretary For Spazzy Fucking Counterproductive Red Carpet Outbursts, isn’t there?

Thankfully, hecklerspray isn’t Kid Rock, or these waffle houses we’ve visited would have to worry about more than just their topping stocks – they’d have to worry about us punching and kicking people in them because we’re a bit miffed about something and presumably have some serious issues with the waffle-maestros out there.

Yes, everyone’s favourite rock… star? Well, whatever he is, young Robert J Ritchie has been found guilty on one charge of battery by those that make these kind of decisions. ‘Courts’, apparently. Pamela Anderson’s ex-hubby has been sentenced to 12 months probation, 80 hours community service, six hours of anger management classes and presumably has been banned from eating waffles, as they seem to make him go crazy. Kid was also handed a whopping $1,000 (about £500, as fans of stronger currencies are sure to know) fine to make his misery complete, and this final blow is sure to cripple the 37-year-old financially, leaving him destitute and alone.

Maybe.

Regardless, nothing can take away from the fact that Kid Rock was charged, after pleading a no contest, with the crime of battery. In an eatery that specialises in batter-based consumables. Hecklerspray is sure that the irony was not only intentional, but also a subtle viral marketing technique to get word of Rock’s new album out to the masses, as well as secretly encouraging us all to go out and eat some fried batter. Those marketing whores – we see through you. We know all.

The incident occurred last October and involved members of Rock’s crew, two of whom received similar charges to Captain Kid, who had originally pleaded not guilty. Though his crew probably didn’t get handed the incredible six hours of anger management, which is sure to have absolutely no effect whatsoever. Because it’s six hours of anger management. At least it isn’t six hours of the film Anger Management, as that would likely have completely the opposite effect to that originally intended.

The one-time American bad ass, whatever that may imply, has been on the receiving end of some rare positive press in recent months, with the success and popularity of his new album both surprising and confusing the opinion-makers out there. We at hecklerspray are not confused, however, as it is clear to see that directly ripping off ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ in the most brazen way possible, not trying to hide it, going so far as to sampling the original in said rip off, then having a bit of a ruckus in a Waffle House is the way to a million-selling record.

Right, where’s that copy of Dance e-Jay? The hecklerspray version of ‘Freebird’ needs to be made. Though we don’t seem to have any Waffle Houses nearby… will a fracas in a Dixie Chicken work as well, or does it have to be battery in a batter-based business? Damn.

If there is another thing Hecklerspray hates, it's when celebrities wear T-shirts that look like they were made in a 7th grade home-ec class but with not one single fart joke on them. That's just such a waste.

Jessica Simpson though – she doesn't care what we think. Also she doesn't care what PETA thinks, what vegetarians in general think, or what Bruce Willis was thinking when he agreed to make that fourth Die Hard.

She might care what Pamela Anderson thinks though. Because Pamela Anderson thinks Simpson is "a bitch and whore."

Unquote.

Long has Pamela Anderson ravaged the souls of meat-eaters everywhere. At one point, she even wanted the Colonel's head torn off.

After that, she wanted it flambéed and then secretly served at a White House luncheon to thousands of heads of state. Luckily, Bobby Flay was there having a throwdown with one of the Bush twins at the time, and he graciously intervened.

Don't check those facts anybody. Absolutely no need to check 'em.

A couple of weeks ago you may recall that PETA was piping mad at Jessica Simpson for wearing a T-shirt that read 'real girls eat meat.' Allegedly, they tried to scientifically prove the garment had been made from the skins of endangered baby penguins, but they failed in this as they couldn't get a sample.

Well now PETA-enthusiast Pamela Anderson wants a piece of this action. When asked about Simpson and the shirt on an Australian radio show she reportedly said:

"I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."

Well, that is pretty darned straightforward. Sorry, Jess. We can't relate. That's because we are on great terms with Anderson, and we intend to stay that way for a very long time, too.

That's why we ask that she never visit us directly at work in our baby-seal mitten-making factory – where 'we're putting the soft back in winter'.

We feel she'd likely take offense to all those wispy tufts of fur spewing out the air vents, and we don't want to risk it.

Did you like that slogan though? It sounds so good, doesn't it? 'We're putting the soft back in winter'. We're thinking about buying it from a mediocre ad agency but it'll still cost over $10,000.

But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis.

Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.

Unfortunately not Tommy Lee Jones. Mind – that would be both hilarious and perfect for Pammie’s reality TV show. Especially if Jones was in full ‘Two Face from Batman Forever’ makeup. Seriously – we at hecklerspray should be television executives, we’d make things worth watching again.

But that’s beside the point here.

The point is that Pamela Anderson is in a relationship with a man she’s known for more than 30 minutes – a revelation in itself – and if you add up all the time that she and Tommy Lee have been together it actually comes to more than a week or so. Surely a record for the ex-Baywatch star?

The groundbreaking, world-moving and earth-shattering news came about in an interview with RollingStone.com, when Tommy told the interviewer:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

Well, who wouldn’t be happy with the news that an ageing rocker from a substandard hair metal band and the woman that adorned the walls of every red-blooded male throughout the 90s – purely because she looked good running in super slow-mo – have shacked up (again)?

We certainly are. Because it means we are unlikely to have to report on the trials and tribulations of that no-talent berk Rick Salomon or his equally-pointless, though somehow marginally more annoying (probably because he’s an irritating, weasel-faced little prick) counterpart Kid Rock.

Yes, the world of a semi-stable relationship – that is, semi-stable in the world of Pamela Anderson, of course – is the perfect one for both hecklerspray and Pammie for a couple of fantastic reasons:

1) It means she may actually manage to stay with one man for more than 13 seconds, thus giving her kids the slimmest of chances that they won’t grow up to be utter, complete and total fuck-ups.

2) We won’t have to report on those utter, utter wastes of skin mentioned above any more.

Though we are likely to have to talk about Tommy Lee. Shit.

But behind the smile and massive hooters lies a dark secret, as it’s been revealed that Pamela Anderson was brutally attacked as a child. Not by a pack of wild dogs full of explosive rabies or a perverted old man, but by a menacing gang of leeches. Maybe she looked at them funny.

Um, that’s the top and bottom off it really. However, with our powerful contacts on the inside, we’ve been granted the ins and outs of a police report filled against the leeches that have permanently scarred Pamela on the left shoulder. Some details are sketchy, but we’ve done our best to sum it up for you.

Once. when Pamela Anderson was young, sexually naive and unaware of the evils of camcorders, she was playing in a lake. For no apparent reason she was then set upon by a gang of wild leeches who were drunk and high after downing a cocktail of drugs or something.

After politely rejecting the advances of the ringleader of the gang, the leeches grew angrier and angrier. They got closer to the innocent Pamela who was minding her own business. As the gang approached, it was clear they didn’t want to play dress up with our helpless heroine.

Ugly words were exchanged, ones that opened Pamela’s eyes to how cruel the world can be. Soon things got too heated and what followed is so disgusting and twisted that we can’t even publish them. Thankfully though, the leeches fled as Pamela’s ear-piercing screams alerted a nearby hillbilly fisherman to fight off the beach.

Now 40, single again and definitely not desperate for some press to remind us she’s still mulling around, she gingerly told Craig Ferguson:

“I have a scar on my left shoulder where leeches attacked me in a lake when I was nine.”

It is with deep regret, however, that the culprit of this vile crime is still at large. Everyone at hecklerspray is still shocked and disgusted that such a sick individual is still on the lam. If you have any leads that will apprehend this monster, we will stump up the sum of £1,000*. Help us before he/she strikes another innocent victim.

With the bravery of this one individual, will it open the floodgates for other celebrities to tell us of their horrific hidden secrets? Will Hilary Clinton tell us how she battled off the advances of her husband Bill and a pack of Marlboro slims? What about Snoop Dogg? Will he come clean and tell us that he is owned by one man’s favourite animal creations after he lost a poker bet. Hecklerspray surely hopes so.

God bless you Pamela for finally coming clean with details of your turbulent past. You’re an inspiration to all.

Read more:

Pamela Anderson Attacked By Leeches – EntertainmentWise

*no.

Pamela Anderson's life is so crazy it should be a sitcom – a really quite poor sitcom about a woman with underdeveloped emotional maturity and quite a lot of hepatitis.

However, Pamela Anderson is too classy to turn her life into a sitcom. So that's why she's decided to turn it into a reality show for E! instead.

But don't expect Pamela to be a tawdry, tell-all delve into Pamela Anderson's personal life – it's apparently going to be a docu-style series that won't feature any of Pamela Anderson's children. It probably won't feature any of her love interests either, because the near-constant meet/marry/pregnancy scare/divorce cycle Pamela Anderson pounds through on an almost monthly basis will just leave viewers disorientated and confused.

Pamela Anderson's a brave woman to let reality TV cameras into her life. Not because her life is a horrible mess that will only invite viewers to pass negative judgement on her necessarily, but more because we were under the impression that every time she's filmed by a video camera she's overwhelmed by the urge to gobble cocks like some sort of disgusting penisy anteater.

But still, Pamela Anderson is going to have her own reality TV show just like Dina Lohan and her Blonde & Blonder co-star Denise Richards do. It's great – humanity is one step closer to securing documented footage of the day-to-day lives of just about every grinning, pointless, female North American celebrity without a proper job in the world. Our ancestors will surely thank us.

But unlike Denise Richard's reality show, Pamela Anderson's series Pamela won't so much focus on her labyrinthine personal life and will instead be about, um, all the other things she's famous for. Like, um, her tits and… no, that's just about it. Her tits. E! Online? Can you help us out?

"Pamela is set for a summer debut. Billed not as a reality series but as a 'docu-style series', the show is being produced by the makers of the acclaimed feature documentaries The Eyes of Tammy Faye and Inside Deep Throat. 'Pamela will be an artistically rich and visually stunning series,' executive producer Randy Barbato said in a statement. 'The series will offer an unprecedented look inside the life of one of today's most iconic superstars in the style of a uniquely shot documentary film.'

We'll take that as a no, then. So, in the absence of a proper description, we'd imagine that Pamela is going to be a stark visualisation of Pamela Anderson's well-kept blog. After all, the blog is how she's documented her life to her fans for a few years now, so it makes sense for the show to be a direct continuation of that. 

We certainly hope that it is, because we're desperate to see how the producers will be able to turn the entry "Come on OBAMA – turn it upside down!!! —I love you!" into a coherent half-hour of television.

Just kidding. In fact, we're sure that once she's on camera Pamela Anderson will be so luminous and charismatic that she'll provide the makers with hours and hours of wonderful footage. Which might just about run to 30 minutes once all the blowjobs have been edited out.

Read more:

Pamela Does E! - E! Online 

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon managed just over two months of happy marriage before they separated, which we think could be a record for both of them. We're sure they're very proud, either way.

And it was a smart move for Pamela Anderson to choose an annulment over a divorce, because legally it means the marriage never existed. And that means that the next time Pamela Anderson short-sightedly stumbles into a marriage with a vastly unsuitable man, she'll only be a double-divorcee instead of a triple. That third one would have put all kinds of men off.

We had a bad feeling about Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon right from the get-go, you know. And not for the same reasons as everyone else, either – not because Pamela Anderson or Rick Salomon both have histories of stupidly short marriages and generally give off the impression of being as clever as two hairy clods of turd.

No, we worried about Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon because a Pamela Anderson/ Rick Salomon sex tape never emerged. And that isn't right – between them they're responsible for the two biggest sex tapes in history, so realistically Pamela and Rick should be churning out new special editions of their sex tape hourly. And, since it's scientific fact that the only way for Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon to express their affection for other people is by dicking them on camera and leaking it to the internet, that spelt a serious problem.

As expected, Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon separated after 73 days – or did they? Because Pamela Anderson decided to annul her marriage, none of those 73 days actually existed any more. Anyway, it's over now. Associated Press reports:

Pamela Anderson has ended another brief marriage. The "Baywatch" star's nuptials with Rick Salomon were officially annulled Monday, according to documents filed in Superior Court. The documents listed fraud as the reason for the annulment but did not include further details. Salomon and Anderson, 40, were married Oct. 6 in Las Vegas then separated Dec. 13.

So that's Rick Salomon dealt with and consigned to one of the 18 volumes of scrapbooks entitled Really Inappropriate Men That Pamela Anderson Has Boffed. Now Pamela Anderson is free to live the rest of her life however the hell she wants. And since she's managed a three-year marriage, a four-month marriage and a 73-day marriage, it's only a matter of time before Pamela Anderson hits the golden one-week marriage mark.

And then the world is her oyster – a three-day marriage? A 12-hour marriage? A 0.001-second marriage? Oh, the romance of it!

Read more:

Pamela Anderson's Brief Marriage Ends - Associated Press 

And, God bless her, that's exactly what Pamela Anderson got with Rick Salomon – the man who she married, split up with, possibly got pregnant by, got back together with and is now seeking annulment from. 

Now it turns out that Pamela Anderson has cited 'fraud' to end her marriage to Rick Salomon. Now, you should remember that there are only a limited number of grounds for annulment and Pamela Anderson probably checked the 'fraud' box not because she'd literally been defrauded, but because there wasn't a more accurate explanation available to her, like 'I'm an emotionally-backwards airhead dicksplat.'

The end of a marriage is never easy, even when you're as massively experienced as Pamela Anderson. She's been divorced twice already, you see, to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, and the last thing anyone wants is to become a three-time divorcee. That must be why Pamela Anderson is making such a pig's ear of splitting up with husband number three Rick Salomon.

You'll remember, of course, that Pamela Anderson married Rick Salomon in October, then decided that she wanted to split up with him by December only to change her mind again a day later. It was all like Romeo And Juliet, really, but with none of the romance and the lead parts played by two idiots who fuck people on the internet for sport. And the ending wasn't quite as fun.

Anyway, yesterday the whole sorry mess came crashing to a definite close when Pamela Anderson chose to annul her marriage to Rick Salomon. Annulments are actually better than divorces, because it means technically you go back in time and the marriage never happened. You know, a bit like that thing you wished would happen after you saw Barb Wire for the first time.

But on what grounds did Pamela Anderson decide to get an annulment? Why, fraud of course. That's right, Pamela Anderson has decided to claim in her annulment papers that her whole marriage was a fraud from beginning to end. After all, that's what Renee Zellweger did, and she didn't look like an idiot, did she? Oh wait… The Boston Herald reports:

Serial bride Pamela Anderson has taken a page out of Renee Zellweger’s playbook and has filed for an annulment citing “fraud” to get rid of her hubby of four months, sex video peddler Rick Salomon. The former “Baywatch” babe – who married Paris Hilton’s sex-tape co-star in October, filed papers in Los Angeles Superior Court the other day to end their union for the third time in as many months. In this new filing, Anderson cited “fraud” as the reason for annulling the marriage as opposed to the “irreconcilable differences” she named in the two previous filings. 

Fraud? Fraud? What on earth could be fraudulent about the Pamela Anderson/ Rick Salomon wedding? It certainly coundn't be their sex life, because anyone with a working internet connection and an empty stomach can quite easily see for themselves what Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are like in bed. And, let's be fair, neither of them are exactly clever enough to be Lovejoy, are they?

But anyway, at least the marriage is almost over, which leaves Pamela Anderson free to move onto the next poor schmuck she'll inevitably marry before the year is out. Who will that be? Judging by her previous records, Pamela Anderson will be looking for a shit-haired rock star who enjoys having it off with people on the internet.

Gene Simmons must be terrified.

Read more:

Oh the irony! Pam cites ‘fraud’ in split - Boston Herald 

We hate to tell you this, Pam, but you just gotta let some of those strays be put down, honey. We’ve had to do the same thing with several of Paris Hilton’s boyfriends. Just gotta let them go…

But now, Pamela Anderson finds herself doing the failed marriage thing again with that Rick Salomon guy she married. No, wait. Scratch that. She’s just getting an annulment this time,not a divorce. Oh, okay then. That’s much better.

Yes, children, once again Pamela Anderson reminds why you should listen to your mother and never let yourself sober up after marrying a loser because you wake up and realise that you’ve married a loser. Okay, we shouldn’t be too hard on the old girl because she has hepatitis from her first rocker husband so she can’t stay dead drunk all the time because it’s bad for her liver.

Anyway, for those of you keeping track at home, Pamela Anderson married and divorced greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top wearing rocker Tommy Lee and also married to and divorced greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top wearing rocker Kid Rock. Pamela Anderson headed to less greasy, tattooy, wife-beater-tank-top waters when she married slimy, pervy, home porno maker Rick Salomon. But, unfortunately that’s not going to work out either for some reason.

Of course, this isn’t the first Pamela Anderson/Rick Salomon divorce talk we’ve heard. Pammy already filed for divorce from Rick Salomon in December after two whole months of wedded horror. She then changed her mind a couple of days later. Then she hanged it again a few dozen more times.  

At any rate, Pamela Anderson appears to want out for real this time and trying to get her marriage to Rick Salomon annulled. She’s opting for an annulment as opposed to a divorce because everyone knows that it’s better to have two divorces and an annulment rather than three divorces because if you say you have three divorces people might think you really suck at making life decisions and can’t maintain a mature relationship.

So maybe marriage isn't the best hobby for Pamela Anderson to be involved in. Maybe she should just stick to the things she's good at like running on the beach in slow motion and, um…

Actually, that's about it.

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Pamela Anderson Now Seeking Annulment - People

Yes, we know we just said that Pamela Anderson was pregnant, but that's because we thought she was and, well, the thought of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's genes colliding to create an unborn baby with the potential to become an internet sex tape Olympian was just too darn exciting. 

Pamela Anderson's blog, you see, has the word 'no' written on it. Twice. So that's another hope of ours dashed.

Forget what you've heard. Not about everything – that would probably be a bit catastrophic – but just about Pamela Anderson getting pregnant with Rick Salomon's baby. Because it looks like it was all just a case of wishful thinking on the part of everyone on the planet. 

In what we assume is a reference to the pregnancy rumours, the ever-eloquent Pamela Anderson has taken to her blog to write the following page-turner:

No

No.

Now, as we've said, we're only partially certain that Pamela Anderson is talking about this rumoured pregnancy of hers, although we could be wrong. For all we know she could just be answering the questions 'Are you a natural blonde?' and 'Hey, are those things real?'

Nevertheless, this must have all just made Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's break-up harder – in just pitifully small number of months they've hooked up, got married, filed for divorce and partially changed their minds and now they have a possibly invented baby on the way? It's just too much for a couple of bad-haired internet porn dimwits to take.

Still, now that the pregnancy has been denied it's good to see that Pamela Anderson is able to keep up her gruelling, near-annual marriage/ divorce/ magical disappearing baby workload up. Be proud, Pammy, you're doing well.

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No – Pamela Anderson 

Why, you ask? Because Pamela Anderson has an uncanny knack for being dysfunctional enough to keep herself in the media, but not enough to paint her face like a clown and die of drugs, or have to pee in a cup for a judge and get her kids taken away. She’s classy, alright.  

And now she’s stepped it up a notch. Pamela Anderson is reportedly pregnant with her latest find of a pervert husband, Rick Salomon, which makes sense because daddy’s got to have an heir to his illustrious sex-tape fortune.  

If there’s one thing we love most about Pamela Anderson it’s her commitment to life decisions… boobs in, boobs out, boobs in, boobs out – which can be a reference to her breast implants or her marriages (ba dum dum tish!). Yes, we all know that Pamela Anderson likes to keep celebrity marriage stereotypes alive and well by marrying multiple times and making each marriage shorter than the last. At least she’s learned to stop hyphenating her name, so we don’t have to write Pamela Anderson Lee-Rock-Cookie Monster-LA Lakers-Salomon all the time. Thanks, Pammy.  

Apparently, Pamela Anderson’s marriage to Rick Salomon was going to follow suit nicely after announcing last month that the newlyweds were separating after just a couple months of marriage. Shocking. But the couple recanted the announcement just a couple of days later. Was it the magical power of true love? Was it an epiphany that marriage is supposed to be longer than a season of Survivor?  

Nope. Looks like it was a baby. Pamela Anderson – heaven help us – is reportedly pregnant. Reportedly with Rick Salomon, who reportedly told pals that those wacky pregnancy hormones were the reason Pamela Anderson was “acting crazy” and wanted a divorce. We’d call it coming to her senses, but that’s neither here nor there.  

Well, good luck, kids. We know you will be just dynamite, because if there’s any certainty in life, it’s that horrifically doomed, dysfunctional marriages can be saved by having a baby.          

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Pam To Rick, I'm Pregnant, Get Lost - TMZ