There’s not much of Pamela Anderson we haven’t seen, thanks to a couple of grainy sex tapes that proved very popular with lonely swine all those years ago. Yet, oddly, there’s something very likeable about Pammy.

Is it because she’s self-deprecating? Probably not. You’re into the whole ‘boobs’ thing aren’t you?

Well, less pleasant than the female form, squeezed into a high-cut horror-bikini is skidmarks. That’s right. Skidders. For some reason, Pamela has entered the Big Brother house, now that all the other celebrities have gone, and promised to leave a skidmark in there. We have no idea what she means, but it doesn’t sound very hygienic.

After Paddy Doherty won Celebrity Big Brother, cueing up the entire nation to make lazy jokes about not being able to evict travellers from a house, Pammy was seen on the BB sofa.

This, of course, was very exciting for Brian Dowling who, despite being surprisingly impressive in the live shows, is liable to squeal at absolutely everything in sight.

But what about the soiled undies?

Well, when Anderson was called to the Diary Room, she told Big Brother:

“It’s fun to be here.”

“I’m going to give them the ride of their lives, and leave a skidmark on every one of them.”

Filth.

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Pamela Anderson is an absolute saint. Why? Because she wants to help the world make sweeter love. How is she doing that? She’s made some stockings that are ‘historically pleasing’ as well as being indestructible.

What a woman!

See, when people make tights, the primary function is to either keep a woman’s legs warm or, indeed, hide the fact that they couldn’t be bothered shaving their legs. However, these are Pamela Anderson stockings! They are designed for making love! Love on a boat with a gigantic rock star member flung up you while you nearly crash into the rocks beneath the water! But how historically pleasing are they? Would historical figures like Genghis Khan like wearing them? Or Pol Pot?

Pammy’s been thinking really, really hard and created her own line of designer stockings which only have one use in mind – and that’s making sweet, sweet love.

We’d tell you what the range is called, but alas, she’s not paying us any advertising money so she can go whistle. We’ll just poke fun at the stupid things falling out of her mouth as she tries to flog them to us.

So is she trying to convince us that they are horrible 80s looking things? Well, no. She prefers to tell us all about the fact she’s never bothered with them. So neither should we, presumably.

She says:

“I’ve never worn pantyhose, but my aunt and mum swear by them. My stockings are for making love in. They’re real nylon stockings.”

“It’s a fantasy. They feel incredibly sexy and guaranteed not to run. They aren’t for every day, but they are so gorgeous and they’re historically pleasing. If stockings could talk…”

They’d talk about other historically pleasing events like the abolition of slavery in the United States? Or maybe they’d recall fondly, the day the Berlin Wall came down? Or maybe they’d remember the first Take That video with all those naked bums and jelly?

Historical talking underwear. It’s the future. Like Global Hypercolor t-shirts were once the future.

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Hey pervs! Think about Pamela Anderson’s boobs for a moment. Got a picture of them in your head? That’s right – they’re the ones that mysteriously float half way up her torso, defying gravity like globules of milk in zero-gravity.

Now imagine them spattered with salty fluid. No. Not that kind of fluid you filthy urchins! We’re talking about great salty tears.

That’s right. Here comes the distressing news that Pamela Anderson cried and threw-up all over the place when she first posed for Playboy.

When Anderson first got the phone-call to pose for Playboy, she was understandably stunned. That’s because she didn’t even own a telephone. However, she answered the request and thus started her career as a human that people like looking at when they’re not wearing many clothes.

She said:

“I was so confused. I told my mom about the offer and she said, ‘Do it. I’d do it.’

“I was so shy I was sick. They got the cover in the first roll of film because I was in tears thinking, ‘Oh my God, this woman, she touched my boob, this is not for me.’

That’s awful isn’t it. A woman, caressing another woman’s breasts while she openly weeps… snot streaming from her nostrils and eyes puffing up and going red, looking for all the world like a pair of inflamed anuses.

However.

“And then, after a while shooting, I became so comfortable they had to stop before I walked out of the studio door nude.”

Aaah! So she’s a natural really! Good news for you onanists, eh? Just imagine all that shame you could’ve missed out on if she hadn’t started enjoying baring her tear-stained bosom!

Speaking of her bust, our Pammy has admitted that she doesn’t feel she should have had a tit-enlargement op. She did though, and made a pretty penny as a result. Still, she won’t be going under the knife for other cosmetic reasons.

“I remember being in the gym at Playboy with Kimberley Hefner and we were looking at these pictures and I was going, ‘My God – look at their bodies! They’re great’. And she said, ‘Well, you know they have fake boobs?’ I could not believe it.

“I went, ‘Sign me up, this is not fair. This is not an even playing field’ and within two weeks I did it.

“But I don’t think I really needed to. And I haven’t done anything else and I don’t plan to. I hope to age gracefully.”

Chances are, you’re hoping she doesn’t grow old too gracefully, eh? There’s still a leaked sex tape in her yet… provided she doesn’t go and talk about animals rights all the way through it as that would be a major buzzkill.

Unless you’re the kind of sicko who gets off on images of animal pelts being torn from the twitching muscles of living beasties interspersed with images of fellatio.

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If Pamela Anderson says something is horrifying, then you’re advised to believe her. Why? Well, here we have a woman who has had sex with some of the ugliest humans alive (Kid Rock, Tommy Lee and Brett Michaels) and worked for a prolonged period with David Hasselhoff.

And so, when she’s not appearing in panto with a bunch of no-marks in Britain, she’s off to Israel to push a political agenda. That sounds sensible doesn’t it? We all know damn well that this part of the country is not the most stable in terms of politics.

Still, at least she’s getting paid loads of money to prance around while she competes in Israel’s version of Dancing with the Stars.

Pammy is going to push her views on people who probably haven’t asked for them in the name of fur. That’s right, Anderson – who is honorary director of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) – is off to Israel to speak about the issue of fur to religious leaders.

She says:

“There are so many alternatives to things.”

“We can be compassionate in our choices.”

Of course, there are some who argue that alternatives to fur are actually very bad for the Earth as they sit in landfills refusing to biodegrade like plastic bags and that the children who work in sweathouses to make fake-fur jackets are treated very badly indeed.

But y’know… cutesy wutesy animals die with fur, so pick the ones you like least, reader. Or, wear nothing. All the time. Like a flasher.

Anderson said she hopes she can inspire a movement on an antifur bill that has been put on hold in Israel over worries that ultra-Orthodox leaders could kick up a massive stink. If you didn’t know, there’s a big trade of fur in Israel because of a penchant for fur hats worn by some men from Hassidic sects on holidays and other festive occasions.

She can only hope that the Orthodox types in Israel don’t make up the majority of the phone-in voters for Dancing With The Stars or her message will be short and sweet.

We wonder if the Israeli equivalent to Craig Revel Horwood is such a wind-up merchant that he’ll appear on every show dressed entirely in clothes made from the faces of every beast from the animal kingdom.

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10 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER ONE…

9 - Who wants to make people out of acorns? – Craftjr

8 - Oh Pamela Anderson. Ick – AmyGrindhouse

7 – OLD BOOZE – Asylum

6 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER TWO…

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1 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER THREE…

The calibre of this year’s Dancing With The Stars is so high that we’ve barely mentioned Pamela Anderson.

Kate Gosselin? Yes. Buzz Aldrin? Yes. That reality show pilot idiot who got kicked off last week and doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page? Yes. But not Pamela Anderson. This is either because Dancing With The Stars can afford to book stars big enough to can eclipse Pamela Anderson, or it’s because Pamela Anderson isn’t very famous any more and we don’t particularly like to dwell on the image of her dancing – an image of a bright orange warped Lionel Richie Hello-style sculpture of 1990s Pamela Anderson being dragged around the stage by an alcoholic self-loathing puppeteer.

But anyway, it’s all too late. Last night Pamela Anderson left Dancing With The Stars for not being That Girl From The Pussycat Dolls Who’s Obviously Going To Win Dancing With The Stars. Basically.

If this was the early to mid 1990s, then this would have absolutely been the best season of Dancing With The Stars ever. It would have featured world-famous Beverly Hills 90210 starlet Shannen Doherty, sprightly and mobile former astronaut Buzz Aldrin, optimistic schoolgirl and mother of none Kate Gosselin and Pamela Anderson, the sexiest and most famous woman on the face of the planet.

But it isn’t the early to mid 1990s, which is why this year’s Dancing With The Stars has featured washed-up hasbeen Shannen Doherty, ancient and decrepit former astronaut Buzz Aldrin, motherhood-soured reality TV divorcee Kate Gosselin and Pamela Anderson, a woman who now looks so ropey that Tiger Woods would probably think twice before sleeping with her.

However, just because she’s transformed from a woman who looks like she’d give you a handjob on a private plane into a woman who looks like she’d give you a handjob on the back seat of your 1998 Ford Fiesta and then charge you for it, Pamela Anderson still gave it all she had on Dancing With The Stars. She may have been eliminated last night, but she still managed to beat everyone else, bar the Pussycat Doll, two professional athletes and the host of an interior design show that nobody has ever heard of. And she was sort of gracious in defeat, as AP reports:

“This has been one of the best experiences of my life — and that says a lot. I’ve had a lot of good experiences,” Anderson said after learning her fate. “I love everybody here,” she said. Anderson said that learning to dance allowed her to focus in a way she hadn’t before. “I’m really proud of the effort I’ve put into it. I’ve never been able to apply myself in this kind of way. This is a dream come true.”

So there we have it – appearing on Dancing With The Stars was one of the best experiences of Pamela Anderson’s life. That means it’s official – Dancing With The Stars is now better than the TV show Stripperella and giving a man a blowjob on a boat. Maybe that should be the show’s motto next year.

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Finally, after years of constant disappointment, Dancing With The Stars has booked its first real celebrity.

Kate Gosselin. We’re so excited! We’ve waited so long for someone to inject some genuine celebrity glamour into Dancing With The Stars, and it looks as if Kate Gosselin is going to be the woman to do it. Obviously by ‘genuine celebrity glamour’ we mean ‘witless screeching about how hard her life is’ and ‘up to 23 simultaneous terrible haircuts’, but it’s more or less the same thing.

Sadly, though, Kate Gosselin isn’t going to be the only contestant to appear on this year’s Dancing With The Stars. Some old duffer called Buzz Aldrin is also going to take part. Apparently he’s walked on the moon, whatever that is. Hey Buzz, back the hell off! This is Kate Gosselin’s time to shine, you hear?

Look, we know you’re upset that Kate Gosselin is still on television. We are, too. We were hoping, just as you were, that her messy public divorce would have taught her an important lesson about the downsides of fame, and that she’d spend the rest of her life grinding out a living in blissful anonymity. But that’s not the case at all – Kate Gosselin’s decided to sign up for Dancing With The Stars.

You might be wondering why it’s Kate Gosselin and not Jon Gosselin who’s been chosen to appear on Dancing With The Stars. Well, there are two reasons for that. First, because Kate is the most unpleasantly pushy of the two, and her management team probably won her the slot because they couldn’t put up with her shrill self-obsessed whining any more. And second, because Dancing With The Stars isn’t really Jon Gosselin’s thing. Instead he’s waiting to appear on a new reality TV show called Desperately Trying To Dry-Hump Women Who Are Clearly Out Of Your League With The ‘Stars‘.

So, other than Kate Gosselin, who’ll be appearing on Dancing With The Stars this year? You really want to know? What are you, stupid? Fine, here you are…

Pamela Anderson – Noted for her dancing ability. By which we mean she once sucked a man off and filmed it. That’s the same as dancing, isn’t it?

Jake Pavelka – Literally the only human being less famous than Kate Gosselin. He doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Central Polish village Radziechowice Pierwsze has a Wikipedia page. Jake Pavelka isn’t even as famous as Radziechowice Pierwsze.

Evan Lysacek – Just won a gold medal at the Winter Olympics for Something That Probably Isn’t Even A Real Sport Anyway.

Erin Andrews - A woman who talks about sports for a living. Sort of like America’s Jim Rosenthal.

Nicole Scherzinger – The only member of the Pussycat Dolls who isn’t paid to stand at the back and look slightly mannish.

Chad Ochocinco – The only American footballer not to have his life turned into a sickly-sweet drama starring Sandra Bullock yet.

Shannen Doherty – A woman who once deliberately hung around Tori Spelling so she’d look less obnoxious and weird.

Aiden Turner – Probably most famous for appearing in Geri Halliwell‘s Bag It Up music video. This is not a lie.

Niecy Nash – Honestly not a clue. Frankly we’re surprised that you’re still reading this, to be honest.

Buzz Aldrin – Claims to have been among the first men in history to have set foot on the moon, which would make him a walking symbol of humanity’s indomitable spirit and constant urge to strive for greatness. But he hasn’t even got a reality TV show, the moron, so he’s probably not as good as Kate Gosselin.

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10 - Dyson’s Air Multiplier: clearly amazing, but its explanation doesn’t half make us feel thick – YouTube

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1 - Superman IV: The Quest For Peace was on TV this weekend, and it reminded us of what a glorious movie it is. Sit back and enjoy this obvious majesty…

For those who don’t know what Panto is, it’s like a really rowdy play at the theatre, where babies are allowed to weep hysterically throughout, old men have permission to shout racist slurs at the soap opera actors, most of whom casually blurt out crudely masked sexual references in front of an auditorium mainly comprising eight-year-olds.

As is befitting such a glorious show, Panto season coincides with Christmas.

The big news this year is that Pamela Anderson will be taking part in a production of Aladdin – she’s playing the genie. The results of this have been twofold. Firstly, the audience will feel a shift in the child-to-adult ratio, with a slew of horny fathers wiping sweat from their top lips, as Pammie makes some clumsy reference to her tits. And secondly, it could mark the beginning of a Hollywood Panto season takeover. In years to come we might have De Niro playing Buttons in whichever panto it is that features Buttons. We also think that Ed Norton could really shine as Dick Whittington. But, until then, let’s bask in some of the big names from over the pond who have already lit up these so-called Pantomimes…

Henry Winkler

Ahh, we loved Henry Winkler when he played The Fonz. We particularly adored it when he used to adopt the two-thumbs-up pose and go “ehhh”, because something really cool had just happened. We also found him rather wonderful to watch in Arrested Development. However, Fonzie fans might be surprised to know that Henry counteracted his rather flaccid attempts at cracking the movie business by sneaking over to England to play Captain Hook in Milton Keynes a couple of years ago. “We don’t have panto in America,” he said, “and it sounds unbelievably fun.” It’s definitely unbelievably something, Henry.

Paul Michael Glaser

Like Henry, Paul Michael Glaser spent most of the 1970s being superhip. In his case, it was playing a cop in cardigans called Starsky. As in Starsky and Hutch. Since then, he’s stamped his mark as a director, being at the helm of one of Arnie‘s finest hours, Running Man, but then slowly he descended into career hell, which culminated in him guffawing on stage for a gaggle of angry Sunderland kids, when he did a turn in Aladdin. That was during his SECOND year of panto.

Steve Guttenberg

Who didn’t love Guttenberg in the 1980s? No one, that’s who. He was the wise cracking hero in Police Academy, he did that film about aliens that make old people want to have sex, and then he dicked around with the great Tom Selleck, and the even better Ted Danson. For a time, he looked set fair to become one of the all time greats. So what happened? A very limp 1990s, that’s what. So limp that he never quite recovered, leaving his trolleyed self-esteem to disappear down the plug hole as he tottered around on a swishy US dancing show, then degraded himself further in Cinderella in Bromley. As in Kent.

Who wrote this? Why it was marvellous Josh Burt from sterling Interestment.

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The 1990s certainly has a lot to answer for.

Any decade responsible for The Spice Girls, Ally McBeal, New Labour and the return of Manchester United needs to take a long, hard look at itself. But the Nineties was also a force of much good. It brought us TV shows such as South Park, The Simpsons, Baywatch, The X-Files and Seinfeld.

OK, so technically Seinfeld and The Simpsons began just before 1990, but this no time to get bogged down in technicalities. We are only dealing with sweeping generalisations today.

Music? Well, it was the decade which saw the rise of Teen Spirit and Britpop, while at the cinema the movies were just as crap as they were in the Eighties. Told you we were only dealing with sweeping generalisations.

It was also the decade of Girl Power – best illustrated by the list below.

Yes, in the latest excuse to trawl through the internet looking for pictures of hot women, Hecklerspray has come up with a list of the hottest women during the 1990s. Believe us, it was not easy to keep the list down to just 26, but we somehow managed it through a potent mix of horse-trading, vote-rigging and coin-tossing.

We also made it easier by only focussing on the women who were present through most of the decade – so no Britney! Also, any sickos looking up this list hoping to see Alicia Silverstone will be disappointed. Sickos. Go get your kicks elsewhere.

26. Louise Wener

A Stu Heritage favourite, the Sleeper singer made a career out of looking gormless.

25. Hope Sandoval

We still live in hope of one day ‘getting to know’ the sultry Mazzy Star singer.

24. Lisa Loeb

Nice glasses.

23. Louise Nurding

Now married to former Premiership star Jamie Redknapp, Louise was the star of UK girl group Eternal, who did absolutely nothing memorable at all.

22. Teri Hatcher

OK, so she’s really annoying now, but think back to the times when she was in Superman. Happy times.

21. Sherilyn Fenn

Love her Twin Peaks.

20. Laetitia Casta

One of the hottest Victoria’s Secret models of all time – and that is some list.

19. Kate Moss

Not a personal favourite, but certainly the second most attractive women from Croydon ever.

18. Michelle Pfeiffer

Nice pussy.

17. Claudia Schiffer

More like Claudia Stiffer.

16. Kathy Ireland

OK, any Sport Illustrated swimwear model is just about perfect – but Kathy Ireland was a cut above.

15. Jenny McCarthy

Picture says it all.

14. Elle McPherson

The Aussie model had one Elle of a body.

13. Tiffany Amber Thiessen

Adored when she played the nice cheerleader in Saved by the Bell, Tiffany’s popularity shown shot up even further when she became a slut in Beverly Hills 90210.

12. Shania Twain

She impresses us much.

11. Shannon Elizabeth


Who would not want  a slice of this piece of American Pie?

10. Winona Ryder

Everyone’s favourite shoplifter.

9. Cindy Crawford

Where there’s a mole, there’s a goal.

8. Marisa Tomei

Loved her in The Wrestler – but why could she not have played a pole dancer in the 90s?

7. Christy Turlington

Put the ‘super’ in supermodel.

6. Gillian Anderson

We would all like to sully Scully.

5. Shannon Doherty

Naughty but nice.

4. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Gotta love the Hewitt.

3. Pamela Anderson

Remember the first time you saw in the red swimsuit? It was a beautiful moment.

2. Sarah Michelle Gellar

Love to see her in the Buffy.

1. Carmen Electra

Filled Pam’s red suit – and then some.

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It’s the show which launched Pamela Anderson’s career and got The Hoff back on to our screens – but Baywatch wasn’t all bad.

In fact, just as long as you forget about the pathetic acting and dodgy dialogue – it was really rather good. Good, that is, as in we got to get a good look at some of the sexiest girls ever to appear on TV – in swimwear. Good, that is, as in we got to have a good look at their big bouncy breasts bobbing along the screen in fantastic slow motion. And good, as in we got to see all of it before the watershed.

Oh, and there and there was some blokes in it too. But we seriously can’t remember any of them – apart from The Hoff that is. But which Baywatch babe was the best? Who looked the hottest in the red swimsuit? Well Hecklerspray has decided to come up with our top eight.

Of course, it is just another pathetic excuse to prowl the internet looking for pictures of sexy girls. Life’s a beach. Enjoy.

8. Yasmine Bleeth

She is a pale shadow of her Baywatch days after falling into drug addiction, but it was some shadow.

7. Erika Eleniak

It’s not easy upstaging Steven Seagal – but she managed it in Under Seige. In fact, her eyebrows are actually bigger than his ponytail.

6. Donna D’Errico

The September 1995 Playboy Playmate of the Month was always worth tuning in for.

5. Traci Bingham

There are two very good reasons she belongs in the top five. See if you can guess what they are.

4. Nicole Eggert

Nicole would have been higher but for the crimes of having a breast reduction and getting engaged to Corey Haim. We are not sure which is more ridiculous.

3. Gena Lee Nolin

For a more convincing acting performance you should check out her sex tape.

2. Carmen Electra

Only just beaten to the top slot by Pammy. It’s tough making these decisions.

1. Pamela Anderson

Forget what you know about her now, just remember the first time you clapped eyes on her. Happy days.

With her rural upbringing, lax attitude to interpersonal sex education and hooters, Sarah Palin’s biggest fan should be Pamela Anderson.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Pamela Anderson hates Sarah Palin. She hates Sarah Palin’s stance on hunting, she hates Sarah Palin’s creationist beliefs and she hates Sarah Palin’s stupid voice, which is all like “Wer wer wer.” In fact, Pamela Anderson hates Sarah Palin so much that she’s told her to “suck it” on camera.

And when Pamela Anderson tells you to suck it, it’s not a request, it’s an order. Pamela Anderson literally wants you to suck it. Right now. Here and now, on this speedboat, Pamela Anderson wants you to suck it. She’s going to film it as well, so long as you’re cool with it. It’s not like it’s going to end up on the internet or anything.

We’ll say one thing for Sarah Palin – she might make us want to club our own faces into sludge every time she opens her mouth, but she’s quite good at winding the celebrities up.

So far, celebrity criticism of Sarah Palin has come in two forms – the considered, thoughtful arguments of Matt Damon and Diddy spinning around in his garden going “Wheeee!” and filming it. But now a third wave has arrived, and it’s got hepatitis.

As we previously mentioned, Sarah Palin and Pamela Anderson have a lot in common. Both of them had their first brush with fame by exploiting their bodies, both have used drugs in the past, both of them were basically brought up by toothless bearded hicks in log cabins in the middle of the woods and both are still weirdly sexualised even though one looks like a blistered strip of orange leather and the other one looks like a Moomin who’s gone legit, bought a used Vauxhall Tigra and decided to open up a nail salon.

However, there’s one thing that separates Sarah Palin and Pamela Anderson, and that’s animal rights. Show a picture of a fox to Pamela Anderson and she’ll go on a march to protect them, write letters about fox welfare to the head of every government in the world and probably marry a fox just for the hell of it; but show a picture of a fox to Sarah Palin and she’ll leap in a helicopter and bazooka it right out of your hands.

And that’s why the very mention of Sarah Palin’s name prompted this little tantrum by Pamela Anderson recently…

That told you, Sarah Palin. Now, if Barack Obama ends up winning the election, we hope it’s only right that he recognises all Pamela Anderson’s hard work in getting him the job and awards her with something suitably grand to show his gratitude, like a statue or a job on the cabinet. There is a Secretary For Spazzy Fucking Counterproductive Red Carpet Outbursts, isn’t there?

We always find it hard to take when, after a long, arduous gig in front of thousands of our fans, the local waffle house we visit doesn’t have enough cream, strawberries or maple syrup to coat our tasty treats. So much so that we sometimes raise issue with it, politely make our points, then leave in something of a huff.

Thankfully, hecklerspray isn’t Kid Rock, or these waffle houses we’ve visited would have to worry about more than just their topping stocks – they’d have to worry about us punching and kicking people in them because we’re a bit miffed about something and presumably have some serious issues with the waffle-maestros out there.

Yes, everyone’s favourite rock… star? Well, whatever he is, young Robert J Ritchie has been found guilty on one charge of battery by those that make these kind of decisions. ‘Courts’, apparently. Pamela Anderson‘s ex-hubby has been sentenced to 12 months probation, 80 hours community service, six hours of anger management classes and presumably has been banned from eating waffles, as they seem to make him go crazy. Kid was also handed a whopping $1,000 (about £500, as fans of stronger currencies are sure to know) fine to make his misery complete, and this final blow is sure to cripple the 37-year-old financially, leaving him destitute and alone.

Maybe.

Regardless, nothing can take away from the fact that Kid Rock was charged, after pleading a no contest, with the crime of battery. In an eatery that specialises in batter-based consumables. Hecklerspray is sure that the irony was not only intentional, but also a subtle viral marketing technique to get word of Rock’s new album out to the masses, as well as secretly encouraging us all to go out and eat some fried batter. Those marketing whores – we see through you. We know all.

The incident occurred last October and involved members of Rock’s crew, two of whom received similar charges to Captain Kid, who had originally pleaded not guilty. Though his crew probably didn’t get handed the incredible six hours of anger management, which is sure to have absolutely no effect whatsoever. Because it’s six hours of anger management. At least it isn’t six hours of the film Anger Management, as that would likely have completely the opposite effect to that originally intended.

The one-time American bad ass, whatever that may imply, has been on the receiving end of some rare positive press in recent months, with the success and popularity of his new album both surprising and confusing the opinion-makers out there. We at hecklerspray are not confused, however, as it is clear to see that directly ripping off ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ in the most brazen way possible, not trying to hide it, going so far as to sampling the original in said rip off, then having a bit of a ruckus in a Waffle House is the way to a million-selling record.

Right, where’s that copy of Dance e-Jay? The hecklerspray version of ‘Freebird’ needs to be made. Though we don’t seem to have any Waffle Houses nearby… will a fracas in a Dixie Chicken work as well, or does it have to be battery in a batter-based business? Damn.

If there is one thing Hecklerspray hates, it's anything that lives underwater. Seriously, if God meant for those things to survive he would have given them lungs.

If there is another thing Hecklerspray hates, it's when celebrities wear T-shirts that look like they were made in a 7th grade home-ec class but with not one single fart joke on them. That's just such a waste.

Jessica Simpson though – she doesn't care what we think. Also she doesn't care what PETA thinks, what vegetarians in general think, or what Bruce Willis was thinking when he agreed to make that fourth Die Hard.

She might care what Pamela Anderson thinks though. Because Pamela Anderson thinks Simpson is "a bitch and whore."

Unquote.

Long has Pamela Anderson ravaged the souls of meat-eaters everywhere. At one point, she even wanted the Colonel's head torn off.

After that, she wanted it flambéed and then secretly served at a White House luncheon to thousands of heads of state. Luckily, Bobby Flay was there having a throwdown with one of the Bush twins at the time, and he graciously intervened.

Don't check those facts anybody. Absolutely no need to check 'em.

A couple of weeks ago you may recall that PETA was piping mad at Jessica Simpson for wearing a T-shirt that read 'real girls eat meat.' Allegedly, they tried to scientifically prove the garment had been made from the skins of endangered baby penguins, but they failed in this as they couldn't get a sample.

Well now PETA-enthusiast Pamela Anderson wants a piece of this action. When asked about Simpson and the shirt on an Australian radio show she reportedly said:

"I think she is a bitch and whore. Actually, I don't know if she was talking about food or men."

Well, that is pretty darned straightforward. Sorry, Jess. We can't relate. That's because we are on great terms with Anderson, and we intend to stay that way for a very long time, too.

That's why we ask that she never visit us directly at work in our baby-seal mitten-making factory – where 'we're putting the soft back in winter'.

We feel she'd likely take offense to all those wispy tufts of fur spewing out the air vents, and we don't want to risk it.

Did you like that slogan though? It sounds so good, doesn't it? 'We're putting the soft back in winter'. We're thinking about buying it from a mediocre ad agency but it'll still cost over $10,000.

Pamela Anderson seems to wish she could return to the past – to a time before hepatitis, miscarriage, divorce, Rick Salomon and definitely, definitely before Kid Rock. The whole world wants to return to that particular time.

But the particular time she seems to want to return to is the one where a drummer from a bit of a crap, over-hyped band who likes to get his junk out on stage gets to stick it to her on a regular basis.

Yes, kids, Pamela Anderson is back with Tommy Lee.

Unfortunately not Tommy Lee Jones. Mind – that would be both hilarious and perfect for Pammie’s reality TV show. Especially if Jones was in full ‘Two Face from Batman Forever’ makeup. Seriously – we at hecklerspray should be television executives, we’d make things worth watching again.

But that’s beside the point here.

The point is that Pamela Anderson is in a relationship with a man she’s known for more than 30 minutes – a revelation in itself – and if you add up all the time that she and Tommy Lee have been together it actually comes to more than a week or so. Surely a record for the ex-Baywatch star?

The groundbreaking, world-moving and earth-shattering news came about in an interview with RollingStone.com, when Tommy told the interviewer:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.”

Well, who wouldn’t be happy with the news that an ageing rocker from a substandard hair metal band and the woman that adorned the walls of every red-blooded male throughout the 90s – purely because she looked good running in super slow-mo – have shacked up (again)?

We certainly are. Because it means we are unlikely to have to report on the trials and tribulations of that no-talent berk Rick Salomon or his equally-pointless, though somehow marginally more annoying (probably because he’s an irritating, weasel-faced little prick) counterpart Kid Rock.

Yes, the world of a semi-stable relationship – that is, semi-stable in the world of Pamela Anderson, of course – is the perfect one for both hecklerspray and Pammie for a couple of fantastic reasons:

1) It means she may actually manage to stay with one man for more than 13 seconds, thus giving her kids the slimmest of chances that they won’t grow up to be utter, complete and total fuck-ups.

2) We won’t have to report on those utter, utter wastes of skin mentioned above any more.

Though we are likely to have to talk about Tommy Lee. Shit.