Right. Here’s the future. In the year 200andGoogleitbecausewedidnot, once all the disinfectant from Leona Lewis’ Olympic Opening Ceremony Performance has sterilized Britain, there is to be some exciting news. Naomi Watts is going to do exactly what Meryl Streep has just done here in 2012.

But she’s going to do it slightly more creepier – and be all PRINCESS DIANA and everything.

Okay. Quick reminder on who Princess Diana is, just before everyone jumps on the bandwagon and starts holding aloft an ironic piece of bunting with a smashed arm of a princess on it or something.

So, Princess Diana was a woman, who married a man whom she did not love (That’s Prince Charles, that guy who once stood 20 miles from a working class civilian and didn’t complain about it at all) Alas, it didn’t work out – both parties allegedly got off with other people, and it was all a bit of a car crash to be honest.

It doesn’t really matter who Princess Diana was. Suffice to say her buttocks was not as pert as Pippa Middleton, she just contributed to various charities instead. Charities are like Children in Need, but they give the money to impoverished minorities, rather than a hedge fund for Terry Wogan’s minibar, per se. Like we say, it doesn’t really matter what charity is or indeed represents.

Here’s the lowdown on this Princess Diana biopic. Obviously, you all know how to type in ‘IMDB’ into Google, but you’re here now – and god, we may as well, right? The wonderlist for Completely Undocumented Life of Princess Diana is as follows:

NAOMI WATTS – PRINCESS DIANA
WHOEVER THE HELL WROTE ‘THE LIBERTINE?’ – SCREENWRITER

The power troupe of Hollywood there, in full force as per usual. The Breakfast Club of our hearts. The Emilio Estevez of our chronic loneliness. (Or ‘Paula Abdul’ if you want the clinical terminology)

Upon the casting, Naomi Watts said quite a large quantity of things about trophy polish and ‘must get a new diaphragm for Elton’s after-party’, but once we breezed past all that, the gist appears to be:

“It is such an honour to be able to play this iconic role – Princess Diana was loved across the world and I look forward to rising to the challenge of playing her on screen.”

Congratulations Naomi Watts! THIS IS ALL SO INCREDIBLY NECESSARY.

One mild concern – who’s going to play Cat Deeley in the crucial Paul Burrell performing terrifying the Chicago soundtrack with the vigour of a repressed 70s Gimp Candyman on Stars in Their Eyes scene?

Bit worried.

Playing Margaret Thatcher must be great for an actress like Meryl Streep. Thesps just love it when they get the chance to play vile people from history. Murderers, rapists, sex offenders and the like give an actor the opportunity to feel brave and bold.

And ol’ Streepy knew too well that pretty much everyone on Earth hates Thatcher. This is something that made her ”more interested” in portraying the heartless witch in ‘The Iron Lady’.

And Meryl has some theories on why everyone despised her so much and… well… she’s off the mark really.

The Oscar-winning actress (we’re legally obliged to say that or people from Hollywood come and crack our shin-bones with slender golf clubs) was shocked at the level of hatred for the former British prime minister, which is a clear highlighting of just how little interest she had in the world during the ’80s and ’90s.

Streep said:

“We give our elected leaders iconic stature almost to have things to tear down, to work out all sorts of our own psychological problems and needs and venomous feelings. So I wondered about all the times that Margaret Thatcher was spoken about being unfeeling.

“And I thought, ‘Well, why was that? Was she really completely unfeeling?’ And as a public figure in a much smaller way myself, I understand that feeling of being stripped of your humanity. Was she a monster?

“While we were making the film, people had such strong and particular and specific venom for her. It was sort of stunning. It made me all the more interested in where her humanity lay.”

So, researching the part, you’ll assume that Meryl worked out why Thatcher was so reviled by many Brits, right? WRONG. See, Streep believes the anger directed towards Maggie Thatcher was largely down to the fact she was a woman.

“I did suspect that there was a weird special rage about her because she was a woman. From all sides. The policies that she pursued were the same policies that Geoffrey Howe pursued, although he’s not loathed and detested with the same intensity. And I think that it is a discomfort with, and a confusion about, women in leadership roles.

“For feminists it’s a betrayal because she doesn’t do the right thing, and so you hate her more than you’d hate a man who stood for the same things.”

It may have had something to do with the countless riots that took place under her stewardship, as well as the fact that industrial production fell massively during her government, which is seen as an affront to the working classes. In short, there were nearly 3.3million unemployed in Britain in ’84, compared to 1.5million when she came to power in ’79.

In 1990, when she resigned, over a quarter (28%) of children in Great Britain were considered to be below the poverty line. Thanks to the procedures she put in place, that number kept rising after her time in Downing Street, leading to Britain’s having the highest childhood-poverty rate in Europe.

And she talked funny.

The North of England hates Margaret Thatcher almost unreservedly. Seriously. Being a Tory in Ultra-Labourite Manchester is akin to being a leper. A leper who likes the music of James Blunt. A James Blunt loving leper in a Liverpool FC shirt.

And so, when Meryl Streep appeared randomly at Freya and Graham McAnally’s wedding at Manchester town hall, you’d have to assume only one thing…

…that locals gathered ’round Streep, figured she was the closest thing they’d get to seeing Thatcher in the flesh, and kicked her to death.

According to the Daily Mail, Freya and Graham were tying the knot at Manchester Town Hall on the same day as Streep was filming scenes for Thatcher biopic, The Iron Lady.

What a way to have your special day utterly ruined.

Freya said:

‘It was all very surreal – Meryl Streep was standing there dressed as Margaret Thatcher. It almost feels like it didn’t happen. I thought it was amazing, the last thing you expect is an A-List celebrity at your wedding.’

Ah yes! That’s right! It wasn’t actually Thatcher! It’s nice Meryl Streep who was just dressed up as one of the most appalling humans ever spat out of an unfortunate vagina.

And it wasn’t just Streep. The cast and crew were filming at Manchester Town Hall because it looks a bit like the inside of the Houses of Parliament. Alongside the Oscar winning actress was Jim Broadbent (playing Denis Thatcher) and Richard E Grant (playing Michael ‘Withnail’ Heseltine).

The cast and crew clubbed together and gave the couple a card, champagne, flowers, a glass vase and a copy of the film’s call sheet for the day.

Graham, not missing a beat, worried that a bunch of Hollywood stars might upstage his wedding, said:

‘It turned out to be to our advantage as there were more lights around and the town hall had been given an extra clean for the filming.’

And then the locals barged in dressed as miners and kicked Meryl Streep to death.

Possibly.

The best way to win the respect of your acting peers is to go ugly. Monstrously ugly. For example, people fawn over those brave enough to play Hitler. Or a wife-beater. Or some kind of sex offender.

In the case of Meryl Streep, she’s being touted as a likely Oscar winner for her turn as Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady.

It takes nerve to play the biggest on-screen monster since Cloverfield.

Alas, it hasn’t opened on these British shores yet (sad really, it would’ve been perfectly pitched amongst the strikes currently going on – perhaps we can have some more when it comes out, eh unions?) but critics have been making a fair ol’ noise about it.

The Guardian referred to Streep’s performance as “astonishing and all but flawless; a masterpiece of mimicry which re-imagines Thatcher in all her half-forgotten glory,” while the Daily Mail noted; “Streep’s portrayal will, I have no doubt, come to be seen as a magnificent portrait of Lady Thatcher.”

You’ll be thrilled to learn that, in the film, we do get to see Thatcher as a frail old woman, reminding us all that she is indeed, about to die.

Of course, as Hollywood is prone to copy other Oscar winning films, we strongly suspect we’ll be seeing Brad Pitt playing Norman Tebbit and a gritty turn from Angelina Jolie playing Edwina Curry in a biopic about eggs and shagging John Major (played by a hatstand painted grey).

Oscar nominations will be announced on Los Angeles on January 24th, and The Iron Lady is directed by Phyllida Lloyd, which is clearly not a real name.

Splendid.

When you’re in trouble, don’t call Batman, call Billy Crystal. Especially if you’re in need of a host of the Oscars. In fact, specifically if you’re in need of a last minute host for any awards ceremony.

That’s because Billy Crystal is pretty much unable to do anything other than be a vaguely charming awards presenter these days.

So good thing Eddie Murphy quit the job after some gay slurs made everyone quit the gig, right?

Oscar organizers got Billy back AGAIN to host the film awards after the departure of one producer and his handpicked master of ceremonies Eddie Murphy.

See, what happened was that producer Brett Ratner used the gay slur “fags” at a screening of his movie Tower Heist, which stars Murphy.

Naturally, gay rights groups went nutso and Ratner ended up losing his job. He probably muttered something far worse than ‘fags’ under his breath when the shitstorm failed to dissipate.

Of course, during all this brouhaha, Crystal’s spidy-sense went off and he spent three whole days sat besides his telephone, answering with “Good day, Billy ‘does a great Oscar ceremony’ Crystal speaking!” to absolutely everyone who called him.

Eventually, it came good and he announced the gig – which he’s done eight times previously – on twitter:

“Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up prescriptions. Looking forward to the show.”

It almost seems like Billy Crystal is becoming the new Bob Hope, in as much that he’s famous for simply existing rather than doing any proper work.

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There’s only one way to start an article about Piers Morgan and that’s with an unabashed string of obscenities and threats aimed squarely at the former Mirror editor and dough-faced clown. Unfortunately though, we have to be (minutely) more professional than that and would therefore urge you to launch your own insults at this image of his pompous face.

Still, what brings us to bother writing about alleged phone-hacker and self-confessed crymaxer, Morgan?

Well, it turns out that he’s had enough of being a sideshow to Howie Mandel (whoever the hell that is) and is taking time out to focus on becoming America’s most hated Pariah.

He’s not quitting the media though. Oh no. He makes far too much cash to do that.

Luckily for us, Morgan has decided that the American public gives two hoots about his opinion on US politics and is going to focus on presenting upcoming news events like the 2012 presidential election in which Herman Cain will undoubtedly win because, as their enjoyment of Piers Morgan shows, America loves an absolute dickhead.

Speaking on his CNN programme, which we still can’t believe he has, Morgan said:

“I can exclusively reveal that I’m leaving ‘America’s Got Talent. I’ve loved every single second, but discovered that juggling, to my surprise really is a bit more difficult than I thought.”

Morgan took a moment to thank charity-botherer and Crown Prince of the Calculated PR Move Simon Cowell for the opportunity, stating that he would be nowhere if he hadn’t taken pity on him.

Okay, he didn’t actually say that but we imagine that’s what Simon Cowell heard.

Rumour has it that Morgan has thrown his hat into the ring to present The Oscars after incumbent host Eddie Murphy bowed out of the show on Wednesday, declaring that he wasn’t interested unless he could host, present and win all the awards while dressed as different characters.

Piers Morgan presenting The Oscars. Imagine it for a second. Now clean up your vomit.

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Have you seen how outrageously great Eddie Murphy was back in his SNL days? Think about those fantastic films he made way back when! Beverley Hills Cop(s), Trading Places, Coming To America, 48hrs… not to mention stand-up films like Raw.

He was untouchable for a while. And then he went rubbish. Really, really dreadful.

In fact, it all started going wrong in the ’90s with dreck like The Nutty Professor, Shrek, Dr Dolittle and anything that enabled him to play all the characters at once. So what went wrong? It seems he stopped drinking, that’s what.

According to the man himself, he hasn’t touched a drop of booze in 18 years. Apparently, he can no longer drink because it makes him sick.

The last time he had a hangover was after he consumed three paltry glasses of champagne on his honeymoon following his marriage to now ex-wife Nicole Mitchell in 1993.

He said:

“The last time I got drunk was … on my honeymoon, maybe 18 years ago…. I only had three glasses of champagne. It don’t take a lot … I was feeling great for about five minutes, thinking this is a wonderful honeymoon.”

So then, think about this – he was a clean living, non-boozehound when he was stopped by police with a transvestite prostitute in his car.

He was stone cold sober when he had sex with Spice Girl Mel B. He was clean as a whistle when he told everyone that he didn’t want anything to do with the baby she had with him.

Amazing.

And now he’s making a Hong Kong Phooey film and generally being about as humorous as a Stanley Knife blade being jammed up your fingernails.

Eddie. Please start drinking again.

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The Oscars are great aren’t they? Tara Reid likened them to spending a few weeks in the Big Brother house… it really doesn’t get any better than that does it? And now, Eddie Murphy appears to have signed up for the show.

Now, you may be thinking that Eddie’s not done much since (allegedly) groping a drag queen’s bulge and successfully having sex with Mel B with no condom on, but you’d be wrong.

See, as Mel B found out when she had group sex with Murphy (Eddie playing the other six participants, including the token amusing overweight elderly lady), the Beverley Hills Cop has a plan to host and win all the Oscars in 2012.

No official decision on the 2012 Academy Awards has been made, but sources close to the awful festival of self  congratulatory fellation say that our Ed is the top candidate to do the honours in February.

Producers of the Oscars – Brett Ratner and Don Mischer – will first have to decide whether they can handle the logistical nightmare that is having a host who wants to not only host it, but also win and present every award under a variety of broadly stroked characters, not to mention performing songs and routines while under 40 inches of latex and make-up.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis will probably get asked if they can’t be bothered with Eddie Murphy’s increasing and self-imposed loneliness.

In fairness, Murphy might be a great shout. He’s clearly having a nervous breakdown, so it’ll be more fun to watch him forgetting which character he’s playing and crying through a Valley Girl mask, in comparison to recent squibs like James Franco and Anne Hathaway, or the regrettably disappointing Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.

He’s not even listed at the bookies, so get your money on now before realising Billy Crystal gets given the gig AGAIN.

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The stupid Oscars have been and gone, with only a very select few giving the remotest of shits. Those that include themselves in that number are the people who will be making posters of all of Colin Firth’s new films and the simpering, worthy smug git who condescends the Davina McCall lookalike on the BBC’s Film show.

Oh, and we imagine there’ll be a whole host of stupid fashion writers all squeeing over various items of clothing, mixed with tubby women widening their eyes at people who have made a fashion faux-pas.

And so, because we’re legally obliged to announce the winners of the Oscars 2011, we’ve copy and pasted the list from somewhere else and replaced all the names of the winners with videos so you can try and work out who won yourself.

Of course, we could have simply stated who each winner was, but that is, in essence, churnalism. The desperate need to not be left behind in some imagined media stampede about an award show that no-one is really that fussed about anyway.

Who ever felt like a film was any better or worse because it won some stupid trophy?

If you’re the kind of person who only watches a film because it has been recognised by some shithouse in an expensive suit, then perhaps, you might like to go and throw yourself headfirst into oncoming traffic. Okay? Good.

Here are the winners.

Best Picture

Best Director

Best Actor

Best Actress

Best Supporting Actor

Best Supporting Actress

Best Foreign Language Film

Best Animation

Best Adapted Screenplay

Best Art Direction

Best Make-up

And there was a whole bunch of other winners but they were totally boring. Inception won some stuff but we couldn’t think of a funny video we could show for it because it is oh so stinkin’ worthy.

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In the genre of sport movies, the boxing movie is king, the undisputed champion. In fact nowhere are the recurring themes of sport movies more prevalent or integral. Boxing provides expression to the inarticulate, allows the underdog to achieve, invites relationship-fracturing obsession and is rife with politics- all essential ingredients of the genre.

David O Russell’s latest film does not shy away from these clichés, it simply works within them as well as it possibly can.

Is this is a problem? Why should it be? Genre movies regularly achieve greatness. Westerns are strengthened by their confined narrative parameters so why not movies where the frontier is a pitch/ring/court?

Russell may be the one behind the camera, but The Fighter is Wahlberg’s baby. He’s wanted to get the true story of middleweight “Irish” Micky Ward onto the screen for years. The film follows the career of Ward and, more interestingly, his relationships with his family, friends and girlfriend.

It’s in these relationships where the real drama of the film is played out. The film avoids the melodramatic, and puts three-dimensional characters in situations reflecting the humour that exists in even tragic lives.

The film’s acting Oscar nominations are well-deserved. There’s Christian Bale’s showy performance as Micky’s crack-smoking half-brother and coach Dicky. With his manic demeanour and wild-eyed stare, it’s easy to dismiss it as one of those over-the-top turns that screams ACTING too loudly but this is a fully inhabited character and one whose balance of comedy and tragedy sets the tone of the whole film.

The real Dicky is larger than life and Bale captures him in all his charismatic glory. Besides, the film couldn’t rely on Wahlberg who plays inarticulate, sensitive and moral, which is convenient since it’s rapidly becoming his one-size-fits-all approach to dramatic roles. Luckily, it’s what’s required in a film about two men with talent but an ignorance of how to apply it.

The Fighter may be about a sport reliant on male physical power but all the alphas of the film are female- from Amy Adams’ convincing turn as the supportive and assertive partner, to Melissa Leo’s aggressively devoted mother. Leo’s performance could so easily have just fallen into ‘psychotic protective mum’ territory but she engages far more than that. Rather than simply being a device to produce the emotional conflict necessary for us to care what happens to the leading actor, she gives the character genuine depth. You may not agree with her decisions but you sympathise with her motivation.

Ultimately it’s these performances that lift the film up from being a standard biopic. That’s not to imply this is just an actor’s movie. The script is credited to three writers, none of whom have previously produced anything of this quality but the dialogue here is smart, funny and strikes the perfect tone.

It may not be the masterpiece that some have suggested, and it sits rather uneasily with some of its fellow Best Picture nominees, but it’s definitely one of the better films of the last twelve months. It is also undoubtedly the best one to feature not one, but two training montages.

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Oh deep bloody joy. The Oscars have announced their nominations for films which they think are better than other films which they may or may not have seen. Fantastic news. Cocaine dealers and chandelier menders, brace yourself for some action soon.

That’s right. An arbitrarily picked bunch of films are all being put forward as being really great, which of course, means that people who make posters for films will now be getting ready to cut and paste the words “Oscar nominated” on films starring Colin Firth or directed by Jeff Cronenweth.

We can barely contain our irritation.

However, being a pop-culture rag, we must (by law), publish the long list of names which you’ll not read or, indeed, skim read to see if you recognise any names of the actors and such. It’s fair to say we’re all hoping Gregory Funk goes well in the ‘Best Makeup’ category.

Unless, of course, you’re one of those dreadful movie buffs who bores everyone half stupid with endless facts about that actor who was in that thing, but went onto star in that other thing that no-one else watched.

Sigh.

Here’s the pissing nominations with an obligatory mention about how bloody marvellous The King’s Speech is. Hurray for stuttering blue bloods!

Nominations for 2011 Oscars

Actor in a Leading Role

Javier Bardem in “Biutiful”
Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”
James Franco in “127 Hours”

Actress in a Leading Role

Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right”
Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”
Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone”
Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine”

Actor in a Supporting Role

Christian Bale in “The Fighter”
John Hawkes in “Winter’s Bone”
Jeremy Renner in “The Town”
Mark Ruffalo in “The Kids Are All Right”
Geoffrey Rush in “The King’s Speech”

Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams in “The Fighter”
Helena Bonham Carter in “The King’s Speech”
Melissa Leo in “The Fighter”
Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit”
Jacki Weaver in “Animal Kingdom”

Animated Feature Film

“How to Train Your Dragon” Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
“The Illusionist” Sylvain Chomet
“Toy Story 3” Lee Unkrich

Art Direction

“Alice in Wonderland”
Production Design: Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Karen O’Hara

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1”
Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan

“Inception”
Production Design: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Larry Dias and Doug Mowat

“The King’s Speech”
Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Judy Farr

“True Grit”
Production Design: Jess Gonchor; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh

Cinematography

“Black Swan” Matthew Libatique
“Inception” Wally Pfister
“The King’s Speech” Danny Cohen
“The Social Network” Jeff Cronenweth
“True Grit” Roger Deakins

Costume Design

“Alice in Wonderland” Colleen Atwood
“I Am Love” Antonella Cannarozzi
“The King’s Speech” Jenny Beavan
“The Tempest” Sandy Powell
“True Grit” Mary Zophres

Directing

“Black Swan” Darren Aronofsky
“The Fighter” David O. Russell
“The King’s Speech” Tom Hooper
“The Social Network” David Fincher
“True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

Documentary (Feature)

“Exit through the Gift Shop” Banksy and Jaimie D’Cruz
“Gasland” Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic
“Inside Job” Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
“Restrepo” Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
“Waste Land” Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley

Documentary (Short Subject)

“Killing in the Name” Nominees to be determined
“Poster Girl” Nominees to be determined
“Strangers No More” Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
“Sun Come Up” Jennifer Redfearn and Tim Metzger
“The Warriors of Qiugang” Ruby Yang and Thomas Lennon

Film Editing

“Black Swan” Andrew Weisblum
“The Fighter” Pamela Martin
“The King’s Speech” Tariq Anwar
“127 Hours” Jon Harris
“The Social Network” Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter

Foreign Language Film

“Biutiful” Mexico
“Dogtooth” Greece
“In a Better World” Denmark
“Incendies” Canada
“Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)” Algeria

Makeup

“Barney’s Version” Adrien Morot
“The Way Back” Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
“The Wolfman” Rick Baker and Dave Elsey

Music (Original Score)

“How to Train Your Dragon” John Powell
“Inception” Hans Zimmer
“The King’s Speech” Alexandre Desplat
“127 Hours” A.R. Rahman
“The Social Network” Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

Music (Original Song)

“Coming Home” from “Country Strong” Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey
“I See the Light” from “Tangled” Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater
“If I Rise” from “127 Hours” Music by A.R. Rahman Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong
“We Belong Together” from “Toy Story 3″ Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

Best Picture

“Black Swan” Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
“The Fighter” David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
“Inception” Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers
“The Kids Are All Right” Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers
“The King’s Speech” Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers
“127 Hours” Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers
“The Social Network” Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
“Toy Story 3” Darla K. Anderson, Producer
“True Grit” Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“Winter’s Bone” Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers

Short Film (Animated)

“Day & Night” Teddy Newton
“The Gruffalo” Jakob Schuh and Max Lang
“Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe
“The Lost Thing” Shaun Tan and Andrew Ruhemann
“Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)” Bastien Dubois

Short Film (Live Action)

“The Confession” Tanel Toom
“The Crush” Michael Creagh
“God of Love” Luke Matheny
“Na Wewe” Ivan Goldschmidt
“Wish 143” Ian Barnes and Samantha Waite

Sound Editing

“Inception” Richard King
“Toy Story 3” Tom Myers and Michael Silvers
“Tron: Legacy” Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague
“True Grit” Skip Lievsay and Craig Berkey
“Unstoppable” Mark P. Stoeckinger

Sound Mixing

“Inception” Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
“The King’s Speech” Paul Hamblin, Martin Jensen and John Midgley
“Salt” Jeffrey J. Haboush, Greg P. Russell, Scott Millan and William Sarokin
“The Social Network” Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick and Mark Weingarten
“True Grit” Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter F. Kurland

Visual Effects

“Alice in Wonderland” Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas and Sean Phillips
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1” Tim Burke, John Richardson, Christian Manz and Nicolas Aithadi
“Hereafter” Michael Owens, Bryan Grill, Stephan Trojanski and Joe Farrell
“Inception” Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb
“Iron Man 2” Janek Sirrs, Ben Snow, Ged Wright and Daniel Sudick

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

“127 Hours” Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
“The Social Network” Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin
“Toy Story 3” Screenplay by Michael Arndt; Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
“True Grit” Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
“Winter’s Bone” Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

Writing (Original Screenplay)

“Another Year” Written by Mike Leigh

“The Fighter” Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson;
Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson

“Inception” Written by Christopher Nolan

“The Kids Are All Right” Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg

“The King’s Speech” Screenplay by David Seidler

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Ah! The Oscars! The awards ceremony that means absolutely piss-all to anyone apart from those who make posters for films and rental DVDs. Having ‘Oscar Winner’ on your blurb makes you look like you know what you’re doing, even if you won the award for providing the best prosthetic ears or something.

Anyway, Tinseltown is getting all excited in preparation for the event as are, presumably, the various cocaine dealers in the vicinity.

But who will present the awards? Well, you’ll be thrilled to learn that it is none-other than Anne Hathaway and James Franco! You know? Those two. They uh… umm… their names are familiar aren’t they? Are they in that vampire show? No?

Well, Hathaway and Franco will be the two actors (we know that much for certain – that they’re actors) who got the official co-hosting nod from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

However, it could be tricky as Hathaway may also be on the voting ballots for her role in Love and Other Drugs. Franco might be up for an award for his turn in 127 Hours.

Unless, of course, this is a clarion call to those in the industry – get the hosting gig and you’re definitely not winning shit. That said, loads of hosts may have won Oscars, even though they were presenting the show. We wouldn’t know and don’t really care.

We’re just relaying this information to you in the grasping hope that you might find it even remotely interesting. You don’t do you? Damn.

One thing is for certain – this pairing will be better than last years. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were pretty rubbish when they hosted the event. At least Hathaway and Franco are really good looking, so if all else fails, they can simply stand there looking attractive.

The Oscars happens on February 27th, so expect loads of rubbish sites and magazines to fill your eyes of people in swanky dresses and gowns.

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Now that it’s April, we don’t have to remember anything about what happened at The Oscars, and it’s beautiful.

We don’t have to remember the winners. We don’t have to remember the forced stage banter. In fact, aside from the speech where Sandra Bullock praised her husband without realising that he’d been secretly boning a tattooed Nazi fetishist on the sly, we don’t remember a single thing about The Oscars at all. But Sigourney Weaver does.

Sigourney Weaver remembers that her film Avatar hardly won any Oscars, even though it was prettier than everything else, more technologically advanced than anything else and had about 30 more offensive blue Jesus-aliens in it than anything else. Why does Sigourney Weaver think that Avatar fared so miserably at The Oscars – simple, it’s because James Cameron doesn’t have a vagina. Obviously.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is undoubtedly one of the most sexist institutions around. Why, Halle Berry‘s Oscar win for Monster’s Ball in 2002 marked the first time that the Best Actress award had ever been given to a woman – up until that point the recipients were all men in drag. Yes, even Gwyneth Paltrow.

You just have to look at the Oscar statue itself to see how sexist the Academy is – it obviously looks like a man. If there was any justice in the world then each Oscar would have giant boobs and a working vagina – and there’d be a Best Ironing category near the start of the ceremony – but oh no, the rich old men in charge don’t want to give the sisterhood that sort of helping hand.

Sure, Kathryn Bigelow may have made history by becoming the first ever woman to win a Best Director Oscar this year – but don’t you see? That’s even more sexist than anything else! No, really, it is… because, um, Kathryn Bigelow is a woman and, um, letting women receive the same treatment as men is, you know, wrong. And stuff. Wait. Maybe we need Sigourney Weaver to come in and help us out here.

She’s worked it all out. You see, even though it’s officially the most successful theatrically-released PlayStation cut-scene to heavily imply that Native Americans were stupid and useless until white people came along ever, Sigourney Weaver’s film Avatar was largely blanked at the Oscars in favour of Bigelow’s The Hurt Locker. The reason for this, as Sigourney Weaver told Brazilian news site Folha Online, is because of good old-fashioned sexism. WP reports:

The reason Cameron lost is because the Academy was more interested in making history by giving the award to a woman. “Jim didn’t have breasts, and I think that was the reason,” she told Folha Online, a Brazilian news site. “He should have taken home that Oscar.” Weaver also voiced her disapproval of the Best Picture choice, suggesting it should have gone to Avatar.

We’re right behind you on this issue, Sigourney, and we’ll do anything we can to spread this message. Give equality to women by never letting them win anything! Remove the female vote! Down with girls! Down with girls!

That was your point, Sigourney? Right?

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When Kate Winslet split up from her husband, everyone was all like “Ha ha! It’s the curse of the Oscars!”

And then they were all like “Ha ha! Watch out Sandra Bullock!” Which was funny, because Sandra Bullock appeared to have one of the strongest marriages in Hollywood. Except now it turns out that maybe that wasn’t the case – it’s being reported that her heavily-tattooed husband Jesse James allegedly had an 11-month affair with a tattoo model named Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.

We don’t know what caused Jesse James to allegedly stray from Sandra Bullock like this, but maybe it’s because he found her to be too emotionally cold. Jesse, you idiot, she isn’t emotionally cold! She just can’t move her face very much because of all the surgery she’s had on it! Jesus, men are such pigs!

Right everyone, it’s time to take this curse of the Oscars thing seriously. Only this week did Best Actress Oscar-winner Kate Winslet split up with her husband, following in the footsteps of every other Best Actress winner from Hillary Swank to Reese Witherspoon. And now it looks as if Sandra Bullock, who only won the Best Actress Oscar about three seconds ago, could be next. You see, it’s been reported that Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James enjoyed an 11-month affair with a tattoo model.

If it’s true, then Jesse James should be ashamed. Sandra Bullock has been there to help him through all the hardest periods of his life – like when that stalker tried to run him over, and when he lost his dog, and when Sandra Bullock became so much more rich and powerful than him that his may as well have just snipped his testicles off with a set of nail scissors and slung them into the sea – and this is how he repays her? For shame.

The woman who Jesse James is alleged to have cheated on Sandra Bullock with is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. What does she have in common with Jesse James? They’re both covered from head to toe in tattoos, that’s what. And that itself is obviously quite a turn-on. Imagine you’re having sex with Sandra Bullock – you’ve only really got her pretty face, her glorious body and her nice hair to look at. Boring!

Now imagine that you’re having sex with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. You could pass the time by looking at the great big fish with eyelashes that’s swimming down her arm, or the giant keyhole on her chest, or you could try to work out the phrase that’s been tattooed across her forehead – is it ‘Prayers For Sinners’? ‘Playing For Scanners?’ ‘Ploughing For Spanners’? – which is obviously much more fun. Anyway, Michelle Bombshell McGee has detailed the alleged affair in In Touch magazine. MSNBC has details:

According an interview McGee gave In Touch Weekly, the whole affair began after she sent James a social-media friend request, hoping to be on his television show, and things escalated to the point where they had “intimate relations.”  She went on to tell the magazine that she and James had sex “two or three times” the night they met and from there a “serious relationship” began.

While this news must obviously be devastating for Sandra Bullock, it’s worse for people who like good acting. This curse of the Oscars thing has got so serious that there won’t be an actress in the land who’ll want to risk giving a good performance in case it jeopardises their marriage.

Dame Helen Mirren, scared that another Oscar might make her husband run away, will redub her performance in The Tempest so that Prospera shouts everything in an inexplicably high-pitched Jamaican accent. Keira Knightley will fart as powerfully as possible after every fifth sentence in Never Let Me Go. And Meryl Streep, obviously, will sign up for Nazi Zombie Brain-Eaters From Mars 3 at the first possible opportunity. We hope you’re happy, Jesse James. We hope you’re really happy.

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Miley Cyrus was at the Oscars on Sunday, possibly because Hannah Montana: The Movie was up for the Biggest Load Of Cack award.

But possibly not. Either way, Miley Cyrus was at the Oscars, and her date for the night was her newest Liam Hemsworth. We’re telling you this not because the pair of them are rumoured to be dating, or because Miley came tantalisingly close to confirming those rumours. No, we’re telling you this because, while describing Hemsworth, Miley Cyrus said “I think we’re both deeper than normal people.”

You heard it here first, everyone – Miley Cyrus is deeper than you. No matter what you do in your entire life, you’ll never even be a tenth as profound as Miley Cyrus is, even when she’s just talking about her hair or whatever. Sorry to be the ones who had to break it to you. Deal with it.

She may only be 17 years old, but Miley Cyrus has been put through the wringer when it comes to romance. She’s run the gamut of boyfriends in her time. She’s done the physical thing by going out with that underwear boy. She’s done the annoying, underdeveloped squeaky-voiced eunuch thing by going out with a Jonas Brother. She even spent a while hanging out with a creepy, long-haired, vest-wearing weirdo with a horrible mini-beard who was old enough to be her dad. Oh, that was her dad? Sorry, our mistake.

But what Miley Cyrus craved more than anything was her intellectual and spiritual equal. You know, somebody who could match her thirst for knowledge. Someone who understood the staggering profundity of, say, standing next to a man of Pacific-Asian descent and making your eyes go all slitty or taking most of your clothes off and rolling around on a guy’s lap for an ill-advised MySpace photoshoot. Someone like Liam Hemsworth.

Liam Hemsworth is Miley Cyrus’s co-star in the upcoming The Last Song, which is being heralded as Miley’s first foray into adult-orientated films because – even though it looks like a lightweight piece of teenage nonsense that nobody would ever willingly watch – at no point does she put on a yellow wig and sing a song about how happy rainbows make her feel or whatever. And, reportedly, he’s also Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend.

What drew the two of them together? Oh, we don’t know – maybe the fact that they’re both basically smaller versions of Arthur Schopenhauer and Charles François d’Abra de Raconis but with perkier teeth. Here’s how Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus described each other in Teen Vogue this month:

“Working with Miley was a alot easier than I thought it was going to be,” Hemsworth admits. “From the first time we [met], It was like I had known her before.” His famous girlfriend adds, “I think we’re both deeper than normal people–what they think and how they feel. He’s very grateful for what he has, but he doesn’t let it go to his head. I’m like that too.”

Finally! Someone’s given Miley Cyrus credit for being the transcendentally enlightened individual that she is. Because, come on, if the lyrics to Party In The USA aren’t on the same level as, say, Phenomenology and the Crisis of Philosophy: Philosophy as Rigorous Science, and Philosophy and the Crisis of European Man by Edmund Husserl then we’ll eat our hats. In fact, we heard that Miley’s next single is to be a meditation on Mortimer Adler‘s assertion that, to avoid the naturalistic fallacy, we must formulate at least one self-evident prescriptive truth, allowing us to reason to the truth of other prescriptives.

What? It’s not? It’s going to be another song about how boys make Miley’s heart smile? Oh fine, forget everything we just said.

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