Do you like everything that Steve Martin has ever done, and everything that Alec Baldwin has ever done, and the Oscars?

You do? Then you’re probably the only one. Oh, and also we’ve got some wonderful news for you. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are going to host the Oscars next year! That’s right – the hilarious brain behind The Jerk and the glowering show-stealer from Glengarry Glen Ross are combining forces to host the most glittering night in the Hollywood calendar!

Or the old man from The Pink Panther 2 and the fat bloke from Thomas And The Magic Railroad are combining forces to trudge through six hours of smug backslappery that nobody really watches any more. One or the other.

This year’s Oscars were, it’s fair to say, an unqualified success. Whoever made the decision to book Wolverine, dress him up in spandex and make him hotfoot it around the stage desperately banging out old showtunes at the top of his voice until everyone started entertaining thoughts of suicide sure does deserve a promotion!

In fact, Hugh Jackman’s turn as Oscars host was so revelatory that we assumed it’d be the formula for all other Oscar nights from now on. We thought that we’d get to see the star of a forthcoming action film thrashing through an extended song and dance number based on hokey old Hollywood in-jokes every year from now on. And that would have worked out pretty well for us, because one of our greatest ambitions has been to see Russell Crowe belt out a tapdancing version of There Is Nothing Like A Dame that’s been modified to include a reference to how old Jack Nicholson looks these days.

But that’s not to be, because the 2010 Oscar hosts have been announced as Steve Martin from The Man With Two Brains and Alec Baldwin from the world’s most needlessly acrimonious divorce. The New York Times reports:

The coming Oscar show will have a pair of hosts who are not so much matched as deliberately mismatched: Steve Martin, the versatile comic, and Alec Baldwin, a straight man who sometimes reaches for a laugh… “We’re expecting a spirit du combat,” Bill Mechanic, a producer of the Oscar show, said of the Martin-Baldwin matchup.

Now at first glance you might think that Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin make an odd combination to host the Oscars. But you’d be wrong. For starters, Steve Martin is a seasoned host of the Oscars and Alec Baldwin has shown himself to be both a formidable straight-man and a gifted impersonator. Also, both Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are famed for their work with Tina Fey, which shows that they have a complimentary sense of humour.

Most importantly, though, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are set to star in It’s Complicated – a forthcoming romantic comedy starring Meryl Streep and directed by Nancy Meyers from What Women Want that opens on Christmas day – so it’s guaranteed that neither of them will actually win an Oscar next year. Who could ask for more?

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Sean Penn! Come back! We forgive you for everything! But come back! We need you now more than ever!

Sean Penn has literally picked the worst time ever to take a career break. You see, it’s just been announced that at next year’s Oscars, 10 movies will be nominated for best picture instead of five. That means Hollywood needs to make twice as many drearily highbrow movies about either civil rights, the horrors or war or mental illness to fill the nominations quota.

Otherwise, God help us, a film that people actually enjoy might be nominated. Sean Penn, we’re begging you.

Remember all the fuss that was made at last year’s Oscars when The Dark Knight wasn’t nominated for best picture? It was shocking, and it was absolutely the fault of the Oscars. It wasn’t that the film went on for a bit too long, or that people pretended to like it more than they really did because Heath Ledger died, or that nobody could understand what the lead character was saying at any given point in time because he was intent on doing the world’s longest impression of Phil Mitchell straining for a poo – it happened because the Oscars hate films that people like.

But to be fair to the academy, its hands were tied. It couldn’t nominate The Dark Knight for best picture because there were only five nomination spots – and Oscar rules clearly state that preference should be given to films about the Holocaust, gay rights, ethnic minorities, infamous real-life politicians and muddled adaptations of literary works. So between The Reader, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, Frost/Nixon and The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, that didn’t leave any room for The Dark Knight.

But next year? Next year things are going to be different. For seemingly no reason whatsoever, it’s been announced that the number of best picture nominees will double to 10 at next year’s Oscars. The LA Times reports:

The change is a direct result of a two-year, in-house search for ways to broaden the appeal of the show, and with good reason — viewership is sagging. “Last year there were more movies that I thought might have fit in the nominations,” Academy President Sid Ganis said Wednesday, acknowledging that hits such as “Iron Man,” “The Dark Knight” and “Tropic Thunder” resonated far more with moviegoers than with academy voters.

It makes so much sense – from now on the academy will be able to nominate a whole new wave of populist, audience-pleasing movies and still end up giving the best picture Oscar to the same highbrow, barely-watched, uncomfortably bleak biopic of a disabled celebrity that it always does. Everyone’s a winner.

Or maybe we’re being cynical. Maybe next year the Oscars really will start to focus on movies that audiences like. And maybe it can introduce a best haircut Oscar while it’s at it. And an Oscar for the star with the winningest smile. And Twilight can win everything. Oh, what fun it’ll be.

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Folded:

• Chuck Norris ‘Action Jeans’ (you so want a pair)
• The return of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s great. It is)
• Iran, dangerous? (nah, it’s bloody lovely there)
• Eva Green has lived in London for the past two years (why doesn’t somebody tell us these things?!)
• The Mist (just in case you need cheering up in the current climate of doom and gloom)

Creased:

• Oscars coverage (between ancient Tom Brook on the BBC and overcooked bacon Carla Romano on GMTV, you’d have been better off sticking with us)
• Mickey Rourke missing out (all those steroids for nuthin’)
• Sega Mega Drive Ultimate Collection on PS3 (memory lane is fine , but a plasma screen and Alex Kidd do not mix)
• ‘Boker face’ (it’s silly, childish and impossible to stop singing when trapped in your head)
• Gordon Gekko (definitely a whole lot tamer than you remember)

this year I was awake and watched oscar it went to really late but that’s’ okay because I can write it. in other years oscar awards are suprising and make you all llike **ohohoh**but this year was I thought it was would be different so when I start to watch it and suddly its’ all like “oh this award will be given to a film about some milk and this one award will be go to Sumdog millonair and this one and these one two OMGSUFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1””” even through I stayed upawake until so late I never saw an award to Pal Blart Mall Police which if your askin me which I will was the best one of this year

Wow how sweat was Mikey Rooks’ walk into the red carpet which was him with a photo of a deadog **cutecutecute**Ryan Seascrest was their on the red carpet too which pernally I think it is amazing because he is **AWSOME!!**! ON aMerican Idol where I love him on that and I truly think he would be very nice to meet in a person but he just willn’t answer my letters and em-ails and poems and things and sing lyrics to but he never does **unhappyunhpapyunhappy**. but wear was Stuart heritage he wasn,t their haven,t they not seen his film of him walking in the red carpet with cebrities in london????

But Iv’e got to be honest and say that the true on my mind which is that Jennnfer Annston was totlly OWNED!!!!!!!!! BY ANgelina Jolly and Bradley which is the hottest movies stars everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I am based but this two are the best and none no one of you baytch fans of others can tell me other ways so here!if I was angelina jolly at oscar I would of robbed all my little african babies in her faces and said “”take that”

On fashon news I really liked the those dresses that where worn by the follow people Beyonce,ViolDavies and that one was in there film about people I think it may be was melissa tommy not Tillda Swindon????but anyway it was unbeefable and I think it was the best

I follwed oscar on the twits too as well as also the telly and probly the best twits is this one from he is called oscartwitterr79 he says My” God Angelina looks absolutley fantastic, Stacey and Clinton would lurve this! Amazing!!” but the won I don,t know what it means is this one coming from “vegashotelsbaby which” says “Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Oscars Red Carpet 2009 Check Out Our Hot Deals On Strip Hotel Rooms 1-800-249-3305”””

Where was NCOBT last night because they were’nt at oscar then (last night) How should Iknow do I look like there gatekeper of somethin?!?!?1?!actually I do know wear they where and that is (was)…………………………

**drummerdrummerdrummer**………………………………………………

not at oscar!!!!!!!!!!!!put that in your face and smoke it loosers

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Or you’ve been burgled. Basically the effects of either are identical. Just ask Audrina Partridge – she’s in The Hills and now she’s been burgled as well. Plus she has to talk to Spencer Pratt sometimes. Talk about unlucky.

But more fool the burglars, because Audrina Partridge managed to catch them on camera. This basically means that they’ll probably end up with their own MTV reality show. At least they’ve got a talent, which admittedly puts them a nose in front of Audrina.

The Oscars are supposed to be a time of happiness, socio-political grandstanding and photo-realistic fashion imagery. But try telling that to Audrina Partridge from The Hills, who returned from an Oscar party to realise that her house had been burgled.

Wait. Hang on a minute. Audrina Partridge from The Hills was at an Oscar party? That doesn’t make sense. Hopefully it was one of those Oscar parties where everyone sits around eating pizza on the floor of someone’s living room watching TV, and not one of the big, proper Oscar parties that actual celebrities go to. Because that would be ridiculous. New rule: nobody from The Hills should ever attend an Oscar party until the Academy introduces a new Best Mind-Numbingly Repetitive Reality TV Show Starring Nothing But A Pack Of Braying Titholes category.

Anyway, Audrina Partridge did attend an Oscar party and – as if she wasn’t upset enough after being pipped to the post by Heath Ledger in the Best Supporting Actor category – she returned home to discover that she’d been burgled. It’s not known what was taken in the robbery, although we suspect the theives stole some items that can never be replaced, like sentimental heirlooms, those naked pictures of her and the single original thought that has ever passed through Audrina Partridge’s otherwise completely barren mind.

Anyway, Audrina Partridge isn’t just going to give in to the burglars without a fight – her surveillance cameras picked up images of the crooks and she’s blogging her little socks off about it, too:

My house was broken into over the weekend but luckily my surveillance camera caught the burglary on tape. I spent most of the morning filling out police reports and going through the house room by room making lists of everything that had been taken. Most of the items are replaceable, but they took off with a few very sentimental things too. Definitely not a good way to start the week.

To be fair to the police, we heard that there weren’t that many reports to fill in – it’s just that one of them asked for Audrina Partridge’s occupation and she spent three hours nervously trying to work out what she actually does for a living. If you have any information of the whereabouts of Audrina Partridge’s profession, please contact the LAPD. Your call could be important.

Oh, we’re only joking. Being burgled is a horrible thing to go through, and we wish Audrina Partridge all the best. Even if we are utterly convinced that these ’surveillance cameras’ weren’t installed to catch burglars but so that Audrina Partridge can watch her entire day back before bedtime in a desperate attempt to convince herself that she’s more popular than Heidi Montag.

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But that poses a problem for us. This massive preoccupation with Oscars red carpet fashion leaves hecklerspray a little bit hamstrung – we didn’t send a photographer to the Oscars to take photos of the dresses, and we also don’t have enough money to pay the big picture agencies to use their red carpet photos.

However, this problem can be overcome with a little imaginative thinking. So join us after the jump for the first ever hecklerspray red carpet non-copyright gallery.

Oscars red carpet fashion has always been a bit of a thorny subject for hecklerspray. It’s one of the main reasons why people watch the Oscars in the first place – they certainly don’t watch to see Sean Penn drone on like a massive bore – but we’ve never had the resources to actually show any of the Oscars dresses to you.

Previously we’ve experimented with describing the dresses, but that didn’t work. Then we tried to be sarcastic about it and fell on arse again. But now, finally, we’ve come across the best way to tell you about the Oscars red carpet fashion even though it happened two days ago and you’ve already seen all the photos a million times before – the devilishly-accurate courtroom-style artist’s impression. Ready?

ANNE HATHAWAY

As you can see, Anne Hathaway brought a touch of old-school glamour to the Oscars red carpet with a shimmering Armani Prive gown covered in paillettes.

BEYONCE

As this picture perfectly demonstrates, Beyonce turned several heads on the Oscars red carpet with this daring House of Dereon number.

KATE WINSLET

Like a true fashion original, Kate Winslet combined a black embroidered Yves Saint Laurent gown with a coif to truly wonderful effect. This picture exactly reproduces her Oscar red carpet look.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Reese Witherspoon really set the cat amongst the Oscar red carpet fashion pigeons with this avant-garde Rodarte frock, which looked so much like this picture that it’s scary.

MILEY CYRUS

Miley Cyrus turned up the Oscars dressed like a poxy Christmas tree or something. Buggered if we know.

There, that should be your Oscars red carpet fashion taken care of for another year. But just in case you’re stupid and want to see some actual photos, Popsugar has an impressive large Oscars red carpet gallery.

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The way they jabber on when they get their awards you would think they are saving lives or something. Yeah, well done on doing your job and dressing up pretending to be someone you are not. Good job. But that is not the only thing it’s about.

It’s about laughing at celebrities. Hey, that’s the only reason we stayed up until stupid ‘o’ clock this morning to watch the damn thing.

Do you think our lives really hang on whether Benjamin Button got best make-up or not? Don’t think so somehow. What we really care about is who is going to make a fool of themselves during their acceptance speech. Or which actresses clearly got dressed in the dark.

OK, we also take sick pleasure in taking note of the ageing Hollywood stars which are about to keel over, but it’s mostly about laughing at stupid celebs. And just for your pleasure, we have come up with the best, err, sorry, worst moments in Oscars history.

Hugh Jackman – you almost made this list!!

Enjoy!

16. You really like Sally Field, no really
When: 1985

The oddest ever acceptance speech was by Sally Field when she won her second Oscar for the Depression-era drama Places in the Heart. It’s often been misquoted, but what she actually said was: “The first time I didn’t feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can’t deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!” Everyone must have been thinking, ‘can we take it back?’.

15. Michael Moore goes on and on
When: 2003

Please shut up.

14. James Cameron is the **** of the world
When: 1997

James Cameron has never been one to hide away just how good he thinks he really is. So when he ‘jokingly’ repeated the ‘I am the king of the world’ line from his film Titanic no one took it as a joke.

13. Sean Penn has humour bypass
When: 2005

Note to Sean Penn – get a sense of humour. Actors are there to be shot at and when you have someone like Chris Rock on stage you can expect a few jokes at Hollywood’s expense. So when he asked the question: “Who is Jude Law? Why is he in every movie I have seen in the last four years? Even if he’s not acting in it, if you look at the credits he makes the cupcakes or something,” it’s funny. Not to Sean Penn, who strode on to stage and announced: “Forgive my lack of humour … Jude Law is one of our most talented actors.” Seriously, get a life Sean Penn. If the pictures are anything to go by, Jude Law has a small part all the time.

12. David Letterman’s dog trick
When: 1995

OK, choosing David Letterman to host the ceremony in the first place was never a good idea. There was the inevitable Top 10 list, which we usually find about as funny as malaria. But then there was the moment he enlisted the help of an embarrassed Tom Hanks to help with a dog trick. Basically, the dog span around when everyone clapped – which, let’s face it, as an act would not even get into the second round of Britain’s Got Talent, never mind the Oscars. Suffice to say, the dog got more claps than the host. But it got worse for Letterman…

10. Vanessa Redgrave has a go at the Zionist hoodlums
When: 1977

You really have to know your audience. Having a go at the ‘Zionist hoodlums’ during her acceptance speech for winning best supporting actress for Julia was never going to win her many fans among Hollywood.
Surprisingly, she got booed off.

9. Marlon Brando goes Native American
When: 1972

Once again, making a political statement at the Oscars is pointless – it just makes you look stupid.
The worst example, of course, was Marlon Brando’s acceptance speech when he won Best Actor for The Godfather. Or should we say Sacheen Littlefeather’s refusal to accept the Oscar on Brando’s behalf because of the film industry’s treatment of Native Americans. If that was not cringeworthy in itself, Littlefeather was not even an Apache Indian, but an actress. Good point well made Brando, you coward.

8. Come on and get it, Frank!!
When: 1934

Director Frank Capra must have been grateful the Oscars was not televised back in the 30s. Otherwise, he would have been top of this list, no problem. What can be more embarrassing than thinking you’ve won an award, only to realise it’s someone else with the same first name as you? That’s what happened to Capra when presenter Will Rogers opened up the Best Picture envelope and said: “Come on up and get it, Frank!”
Capra, assuming he was the only Frank who deserved the award (for the film Lady for a Day) proudly walked on to the stage only to realise that Frank Lloyd was the winner for the movie Cavalcade. D’oh!

7. David Letterman’s Uma Oprah
When: 1995

Just when you thought it could not get any worse for Letterman, he decides to introduce Oprah Winfrey to Uma Thurman. “Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah”. Hilarious, see.

6. Jerry Lewis is shot down
When: 1958

You would think that asking a professional ‘funnyman’ to ad lib to fill up an extra 20 minutes at the end of the show would not be a problem. Well, Jerry Lewis was so bad at doing it, producers ended up putting a short film about pistols instead.

5. Kojak, Mr Miyagi and Dom DeLuise sing together
When: 1986

Can you even contemplate the awfulness of that? It was the opening act for the 1986 awards night. Words fail us.

4. Phil Collins wins an Oscar
When: 1999

What kind of world do we live in when Phil Collins wins the 1999 Best Song Oscar for You’ll Be In My Heart from animated movie Tarzan? Famine, disease, drought and then this? What makes it worse is that South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut came out the same year.

3. Um, Jonathan, Um, Demme, Um, wins, um,
When: 1991

Um, best director Jonathan Demme’s acceptance speech, um, is, um, really, um, dull.

2. Gwyneth Paltrow’s annoying acceptance speech
When: 1999

Wail. Sob, sob. Gwyneth Paltrow’s sob-fest is the single-most annoying acceptance speech of all time. Made us cry too.

1. Oscars hits a real Lowe point
When: 1989

A camp Rob Lowe danced to the Creedence Clearwater Revival classic Proud Mary with a woman dressed from head to toe as Disney’s Snow White. It was so bad even Paul Newman and Julie Andrews wrote a letter of disgust to the Academy.

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A D V E R T

That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Last night’s Oscars marked the first time that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie had come within punching distance of one another for years.

They didn’t fight, but at least the Oscars producers tried their hardest. As Jennifer Aniston walked on stage, they instantly cut to a close-up of Angelina Jolie’s face. Then they told her that Jennifer thinks her Mum’s a slag before chanting the word ’scrap’ until Hugh Jackman got excited and passed out. We heard.

Forget all the hoo-ha about Slumdog Millionaire and Sean Penn and Hugh Jackman, because there was only one way to watch the Oscars popular this year – a full-on, hair-pulling, eye-gouging, vaguely-lesbian catfight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet.

And it could have happened, too – as we’ve already reported, last night’s Oscars saw Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie forced together in a way not seen since we read some disturbingly specialist fan fiction about them the other week.

Would Jennifer Aniston still be so filled with bitterness about her divorce from Brad Pitt that she’d fling herself at Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet and start punching away? Would Angelina Jolie respond by turning her arm into a Terminator-style metal spike and pushing it through Jennifer Aniston’s skull? Literally about 12 people on the internet were breathless with anticipation.

However, while the long-awaited physical fight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie didn’t transpire at the Oscars, that didn’t stop the producers from doing their best to give the people what they want. Last night, Jennifer got to introduce a segment with Jack Black and – as Oscars segment-introduction tradition dictates – Jennifer Aniston was nervous, stilted, awkward and unfunny for the duration of it.

So what one thing could compound Jennifer Aniston’s fear even further during her time on stage? That’s right, multiple close-ups of Angelina Jolie’s great big face. Fox News reports:

Oscar telecast producers panned to Brad and Angelina not once, but twice, as a visibly nervous Aniston did her schtick. In the first pan to Brangelina, Jolie was gamely guffawing as Aniston, whom Pitt left in 2005 in order to be with Jolie, hammed it up. In the second pan, the couple looked on with the bemused half-grins we’ve come to know from literally thousands of paparazzi pics over the past three years.

Depending on who you are, Angelina Jolie’s cutaway reactions to Jennifer Aniston will mean completely different things. Team Jolie will praise Angelina for smiling at Jennifer with grace and dignity, while team Aniston will think that Angelina was laughing at Jennifer’s discomfort like some sort of awful witch.

The truth? Nobody knows. What we do know, though, is that if producers really wanted to turn the Oscars into an episode of Jerry Springer, then they really needed to put a little triangle in the corner of the screen reading ‘Hey bitch, I stole your husband and we both think you’re an asshole’ while a podgy redneck whoops and takes his shirt off. And they didn’t even invite Tim Allen to the show as far as we know. A trick missed, Oscars, a trick missed.

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You’d better be. Because, even though he’s won every single other award on the face of the Earth for The Wrestler, the Oscars have just decided to snub Mickey Rourke and give the Best Actor trophy to Sean Penn. Honestly Oscars, when Mickey Rourke goes off the rails again and ends up starring in Sylvester Stallone’s Get Carter 2, the blood will be on your hands.

Also, Slumdog Millionaire won a bunch of Oscars, which is a great surprise to… oh, nobody.

Prior to Oscars, all the bookies were saying that the big awards were all sewn up. And, mostly, they were. What’s more, all the reactions to the big awards were sewn up too -

* Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture and Best Director, and Danny Boyle looked like the happiest Morrissey impersonator on Earth on both occasions;

* Kate Winslet won Best Actress and immediately flew into her ‘asthma sufferer you’d most like to punch’ shtick;

* Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor and accepted the award in person, admitting that his accidental suicide was simply a ploy to win an Oscar;

* Mickey Rourke won Best Actor and… hey, wait a minute! Mickey Rourke didn’t win Best Actor at all.

Even though he was the critical and public favourite for the best actor Oscar, the Academy decided that the last thing it wanted to hear was another bloody eulogy for a dead chihuahua and gave the Best Actor Oscar to Sean Penn for his role in Milk instead.

Then again, it all seems so obvious in retrospect. The Oscars love Sean Penn. If Sean Penn did a fart in a ziploc bag, he’d probably get an Oscar for it. Because when Sean Penn wins an Oscar, you know you’re going to get a dangerously sincere acceptance speech about cinema’s ability to weave itself into the fabric of the national consciousness, and that tends to ease moviestars’ guilt about being paid millions of dollars to memorise a handful of words in the right order once a year.

Also, Sean Penn won his Best Actor Oscar for Milk, which allowed the Academy to register its disappointment of the passing of Proposition 8 in California last year. So now the entire television audience of The Oscars – essentially a dwindling handful of gay men and nobody else – know that some actors think Proposition 8 is bad. Thank God for that.

Also, did you see The Oscars? What with Sophia Loren, that man who balanced his Oscar upside down on his chin and Hugh Jackman’s big gurning head on top of that little puppet body, these were probably the gayest Oscars in living memory. At least Sean Penn’s victory was a decent fit.

But, despite this upset, the 2009 Oscars will go down in history as the Slumdog Millionaire Oscars. Actually, no, who are we kidding? They’ll go down in history as the Oscars where it looked like Angelina Jolie was cackling at Jennifer Aniston’s inability to talk properly. Something tells us you’ll be hearing more about this soon.

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And sheer, unstoppable violence. After years of false starts and meticulously choreographed social planning, the Long-Awaited, Breathlessly-Anticipated And Borderline-Erotic Jennifer Aniston/ Angelina Jolie Catfight is due to take place at this Sunday’s Oscars.

What’ll happen when Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie finally meet? We’re guessing either a) a full-on, bloody-nosed, hair-pulling fistfight, b) some sort of awkwardly curt nodded acknowledgement of one another or c) lesbian kissing. We know we speak for all men when we say: Woohoo! Go b)!

This year’s Oscars are going to be exceptionally important for both Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie is in line to win her first Oscar for almost a decade, while Jennifer Aniston is hoping to prove that she can get within 200 feet of Angelina Jolie without rugby-tackling her to the ground and trying to rabbit-punch her in the clodge.

It’s been years since Brad Pitt decided that he’d rather have hundreds of little brown babies instead of one white baby with a funny-looking chin and left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, and yet Jennifer and Angelina have managed to studiously avoid each other like the plague since then – even if it meant cancelling public appearances.

But no more. No longer will Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie be able to continue their weird little magazine proxy war, because on Sunday they’re going to meet. Face to face. At the Oscars.

And they’re bound to fight. They’re bound to. We hear that – upon sight of Jennifer Aniston – Angelina Jolie plans to shed her children and let them attack Jennifer like a tiny Cloverfeld-style infantry, although Aniston will make easy work of them by repelling them with her unusually shrill voice. And, at that point, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will punch each other on the fist and explode into dust, like at the start of Rocky IV, and then we can all go home.

Or they’ll deliberately be sat at opposite ends of the auditorium and try to remain as dignified as possible because they’re both civilised people. After all, it’s not as if Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, is it? The Boston Herald reports:

“(Jennifer) has never been more ready to see her nemesis in the flesh… It’s important for Jen to feel she can stack up to Angelina with her dress, her hair, and her date (John Mayer),” a source told OK! Magazine. “And now couldn’t be better timing. (Jen) has always known this moment would happen… She’s no longer alone – she has a hot man in her life, John Mayer, and she plans to bring him as her date to the party.”

Oh, Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, then. Our mistake. In that case, this is going to be the bloodthirstiest Oscars EVER!

Who’ll win? Who’ll lose? To be honest we don’t care. So long as Ryan Seacreast gets smacked in the face with a stray shoe trying to break them up, we’ll be happy.

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A beautiful gown can only distract from the wrinkly face and bloated thighs for so long, which means Hollywood’s elite have to pull out all the stops in their search for physical perfection.

Of course, they will spend endless hours in the gym and getting poison injected into their faces in the build-up to the big night. But there are some actresses who are prepared to go that extra step.

In fact, there are some actresses – and we are not naming names here – who would bathe in cow vomit if they thought it would get them on the front cover of Vanity Fair.

Be afraid, be very afraid…

5. Injecting bacteria into your armpits and breasts

Now, sweating bullets – it’s a really common problem. We all do it. Especially you, yeah, you over there! And you! Bloody hell! Ewwww. Anyway, in a hot theatre, it’s an even bigger problem – and sometimes a good deodorant will not do the job – it says here. But have you ever thought about injecting some bacteria into your armpits? No? Well, why not? It’s the latest fashion and about eight to 10 injections should have you smelling like… well, we hate to imagine.

OK, so it’s actually Botox. But that’s just a trade name, right? In fact, we know some other names for it – such as ‘fatty poison’. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? The treatment costs altogether around £500. But, hey, if it stops you sweating on those nice gowns and saves you a fortune in those dry cleaning bills, it’s worth it. You can also make your breasts look bit more ‘youthful’ by having them done too.

Cosmetic dermatologist Dr Patricia Wexler explained: “It works the same way as your face. It paralyses the muscles, pulling your breasts down and therefore pulling them back up.” Right, we are really not sure how that works, to be honest, but if it makes our girlfriends’ breasts look more ‘youthful’, then we approve.

4. Face scrubs made out of diamonds

Madonna, Drew Barrymore and Gwyneth Paltrow apparently swear by this. Costing £1,000 per facial, it is one of the most popular pre-Oscar rituals among Hollywood’s elite for ensuring your skin looks radiant and spot-free. Take note Cameron Diaz.

It includes a diamond scrub to get all of the crap out of your skin, a green tea mask and red-and blue UV light therapy afterwards.

3. Drinking the oddest mixture of ingredients ever

Like lemonade? Ever thought of adding cayenne pepper, maple syrup, saltwater and laxative tea to it? No, we didn’t think so. But some celebs will happily gulp this down in the build-up to the big event. Called the Master Cleanse, it’s certainly guaranteed to cleanse you of everything, including the will to live. Actresses desperate to do some last-minute dieting will happily fast on this for a week.

Ok, so they don’t drink all of the ingredients together (the saltwater and laxative tea are separate) but it still sounds pretty disgusting. The idea is to kill your appetite, but it sounds like it actually could finish you off completely. Other celebrity diet secrets include eating baby food and eating salad doused in vinegar. Yuck!

2. Having eyelashes which are made out of cute, little, furry animals

Minks, squirrels and foxes… it seems no furry creature is safe from the clutches of actresses looking to get an edge in the eyelash department. J-Lo started the trend when she glued red fox fur to her lashes at a recent Oscars – and everyone since has been trying to ‘outfox’ her since.

A few years back, make-up artist Valerie Sarnelle turned up the heat by creating thick and furry mink and squirrel false eyelashes. They came in blacks, browns and blondes. We have no idea where she got a blonde squirrel, by the way.

Madonna recently wore lashes made of mink fur and diamonds. They cost £5,000 and you can use them five times. Of course, the squirrels would have at least died happy in the knowledge that their sacrifice was worth it if it meant a Hollywood A-lister’s eyes looked nice at the after-party bash. It makes you wonder what’s next. I wonder if badger balls would make great breast implants. Actually, we should not even plant the idea in their heads.

1. Turning their heads into a cross stitch pattern

Never mind putting stitches in your head, they need their heads examined for even contemplating this. Called the One Stitch Facelift, it involves a plastic surgeon putting one stitch on either side of the head to lift up the loose folds of skin.

The incredibly popular procedure, pioneered by Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Dr Renato, is apparently favoured by clients in their late 30s. He said: “The effect is more subtle than a facelift.”

Of course, the last time you saw something like that work in the movie business was Frankenstein. However, such a subtle effect apparently won’t work on women in their 40s, who have to resort to far more outlandish and ultimately more grotesque techniques at the hand of the plastic surgeon’s scalpel – the Volumeric Face Lift.

So what is it? Ok, well basically it involves taking fat from the abundant supply of fat around the patient’s stomach and injecting it under the eyes, cheeks and between the nose and mouth. OK, pass the sick bag.

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Also, if you don’t care about the Oscars, stop reading. So that should leave us with only people who sort of like the Oscars a bit but they’re not women or gay or anything. Welcome aboard, tiny remaining audience.

Excuse our preamble, because we’re about to tell you who’ll win all the Oscars. We mean it – bookies say they’ve never been more convinced. Slumdog Millionaire, by the way. There, that’s saved you about four hours of your life. Spend it wisely.

Television ratings for the Oscars have been in freefall for the last few years, but at least the Oscar organisers have identified the problem. No, it’s not because the Oscar ceremony is essentially an uncomfortably long game of soggy biscuit exclusively played by smug millionaires who genuinely believe that they can change the world by making a barely-watched movie that mentions Iraq three or four times – it’s because people don’t like seeing clever people say funny things, and they don’t like having their surprises ruined.

That’s why Jon Stewart’s intelligent quips have been replaced at this year’s Oscars by a shrieking Australian man in a pair of spangly trousers, and it’s also why the names of this year’s Oscars presenters are being kept secret.

It’s a decent enough policy – maintaining a spontaneous, anything-goes attitude towards the Oscars that can’t be ruined in advance. Or at least it would be, were it not for the fact that everyone is pretty much convinced that they know who’ll win all of the Oscars this year.

Thanks to a number of factors, like complex betting patterns and the fact that about four billion other awards shows have taken place in the last couple of months and THEY’VE ALL GIVEN PRIZES TO THE EXACT SAME EFFING PEOPLE, it seems like Slumdog Millionaire winning Best Picture at Sunday’s Oscars is a near-inevitability. Bloomberg reports:

“Slumdog Millionaire” had a 90 percent chance of winning as of yesterday, making it the biggest favorite since 2002, according to Intrade.com, a Dublin-based Web site. If Intrade and other oddsmakers are right, Mickey Rourke, Kate Winslet and the late Heath Ledger will all win statuettes. Nate Silver, of the Web site Fivethirtyeight.com, puts the film’s prospects at 99 percent.

Now, we should probably point out that this is all speculation – the Oscar winners aren’t guaranteed yet, and there’s still a chance that Slumdog Millionaire will walk away empty-handed on Sunday. Or, better still, that Kate Winslet won’t win her Oscar and a camera will be pointing right into her crumpled face at the exact moment that she realises someone has booted her dreams into mush yet again. Because, come on, why else would anyone want to watch the Oscars?

Also, we can’t help feeling that this trend of speculative analysis is killing the Oscars. While it’s good for films like Slumdog Millionaire and everything, if it continues any longer everyone will know if they’ve won or not before they even set out for the Kodak theatre. And then we’ll never get to see Eddie Murphy storm off in a huff when he doesn’t win again. Where’s the bloody fun in that?

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Just don’t tell the Oscars organisers. They’re absolutely murdering themselves trying to get even a flicker of Oscars-related interest from the populous at large and, it’s fair to say, they’re failing spectacularly.

But the Oscar people have got an ingenious joker up their sleeves – they’re keeping the award presenters secret until the ceremony itself. Incredible! But here’s a warning – if the awards aren’t presented by Elvis, Jesus and a dancing troupe of exploding nuns, we’ll be sorely effed off.

Why do people watch the Oscars? In the past we’d studied this question in intense detail, and we thought we’d come up with three indisputable core reasons:

1 - People are genuinely interested in the fortunes of films that they’d never actually pay to see.

2 – People get a berserk, yet undeniably satisfying, kick from watching Kate Winslet cry like a slapped toddler.

3 - Loneliness and/or tragic mental deficiencies.

But it turns out we were wrong. The organisers of the Oscars know exactly why people watch their gaudy little ceremony, and that’s to see who presents the awards. No, not who wins the awards – people are desperate to find out the celebrities who’ll actually totter up to a plinth, blurt out three lines of awkward sincerity about the power of cinema as a tool of social change and then read the nominations for Best Sound Mixing.

No, really. That’s why people watch the Oscars. It is. And that’s why ratings for the Oscars have been in freefall for the last few years – not because people have got better things to do than watch an endless parade of smug millionaires blithely giving baubles to each other because they starred in barely-watched films about Darfur, but because the names of the Oscars presenters have been announced before the ceremony takes place.

But not this year, buddy. This year, to drum up excitement for their show, organisers of the Oscars have decided to keep the names of the Oscar presenters a secret until the very last minute, as the New York Daily News reports:

Don’t even try to find out which stars will be presenting the awards at this year’s Oscar ceremony – it’s top secret information until the show airs. But will this strategy hatched by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to create suspense and intrigue actually hook viewers? “I just can’t imagine it really makes anyone that much more excited about the Oscars,” said Bradley Jacobs, film editor at Us Weekly.

No, Bradley Jacobs! You’re wrong! This secret has made us much more excited about the Oscars. We just don’t know who’ll present the Oscars at all. Well, except for Daniel Day Lewis, who’ll probably present the Best Actress award because he won the Best Actor award last year and last year’s Best Actor presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar is a tradition. And Marion Cotillard, obviously, because she won Best Actress last year so the same rule apples.

And Javier Bardem and Tilda Swinton, because they won the Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress Oscars last year and that’s how it works. And Jennifer Aniston, because that’s already been leaked. And probably Jack Black, because he seems to present something at every single bloody Oscars anyway.

But we’re absolutely going to watch the Oscars on Sunday to see who’ll present the other awards. Unless one of them will be Jack Nicholson. And one of them will almost definitely be Jack Nicholson. So we’re probably not going to bother, actually.

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Also, the Oscars are going to be really bloody drizzly. Because that happened at the BAFTAs too. But anyway, Slumdog Millionaire was the big winner at last night’s BAFTA awards, scooping Best Film, Best Director, Best Music, Best Cinematography, Best Editing and Best Adapted Screenplay. Why? Because it’s principally British? No. Well, yes. A bit.

But Slumdog Millionaire wasn’t the only thing to leave the BAFTAs with anything. We left with the onset of trenchfoot. Eat that, Dev Patel.

The BAFTAs are the shining light at the centre of the British filmmaking calendar, where the great and the good decide that they’re probably happier to stay in Hollywood and have a night off, then the good and the mediocre plan to go but get put off by all the rain and we’re left with Christian Slater and celebrity hairdresser Nicky Clarke and an auditorium that smells vaguely of wet dog.

But the BAFTAs aren’t just the badly-dentured Oscars any more – now they’re an exciting precursor to the Oscars. You see, the BAFTAs inform the Oscars, just in the same way that the 4,000 other award shows which happen in the first six weeks of the year inform the Oscars.

And, if the BAFTAs have any sway whatsoever, it might be a good year for Slumdog Millionaire. It’s a movie that’s already beaten the odds – originally destined to be a direct-to-DVD release, Slumdog Millionaire is at once both the most depressing feelgood movie you’re ever likely to see and the most celebrated movie to ever fall apart and stop being any good about two-thirds in.

Not that any of that stopped Slumdog Millionaire from winning everything at the BAFTAs, though, as the Hollywood Reporter, um, reports:

Danny Boyle’s “Slumdog Millionaire” dominated this year’s Orange British Academy Film Awards, scooping seven awards including best film, director, cinematography and adapted screenplay for writer Simon Beaufoy. “I’ve had a complex relationship with this statue,” Beaufoy said, “I have a plastic one that I bought from eBay, a chocolate one that I stole from the dinner one year and now, well …”

Elsewhere at the BAFTAs, Kate Winslet’s Best Actress award for The Reader gave her another chance ahead of the Oscars to not instantly start blubbering like an idiot the moment that anybody says her name out loud, Noel Clarke won the BAFTA Orange Rising Star Award and Abi Titmuss turned up, even though nobody really knew why.

Chances are you’ve already seen our searing expose of the BAFTA red carpet, but if you actually want to see what some of the celebrities who turned up look like when they’re not studiously avoiding a swearing idiot, then you’ll be able to find some decent BAFTA interviews here. Warning – in them, Fearne Cotton appears to be wearing Brian Blessed to keep warm.

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But you’d be completely wrong. Jennifer Aniston does care about the Oscars. She cares about the Oscars so much that she’s going to present an award at this year’s ceremony.

Why? Is it because Jennifer Aniston is a dedicated student of acting who wants to help recognise excellence in filmmaking? No, it’s because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be there and Jennifer Aniston wants to swan about in a little dress in front of them, cackling like a witch. Obviously.

Oh for God’s sake. We knew it. We knew this was going to happen. Yesterday we revealed how Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spoke of how in love they were on the SAG awards red carpet, and we knew it was going to end in tears. We knew it.

Because, you see, the nature of the universe dictates that whenever a headline is written about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston has to swoop in and try to get two headlines written about her. It doesn’t matter what for – maybe she’ll get naked for a magazine, maybe she’ll mouth off about Angelina Jolie or maybe she’ll just wear a tight sweater to a restaurant – so long as it happens.

And that’s why it comes as no surprise today to hear that Jennifer Aniston has been lined up to present an award at next month’s Oscar ceremony. Because, if reports are to be believed, Jennifer Aniston doesn’t think that either Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt will win their Oscars this year and if she gets to stand on stage in a little sidebooby dress with her hair brushed all good, then she’ll have totally shown them who’s boss. Actress Archives reports:

A source told Star, “She was a good girl and pulled back during the Golden Globes even though she had the hottest movie out.” The friend continued, “The movie will likely still be near the top of the box office. Jen will own the night. Brad and Angie might be nominated, but Los Angeles is Jen’s town.”

Our thoughts on the above quote:

1 - By “the hottest movie out” we assume that the source is talking about Marley & Me, a gloopy film about a puppy starring Jennifer Aniston that we’d completely forgotten about even though it only came out a month ago.

2 - “Jen will own the night,” part one. Let this be a lesson to all of you – if you ever want to own a night, spend that entire night squeezed into an impractical dress that restricts your breathing just so that you can briefly walk onto a stage, tell a bad joke that nobody laughs at and introduce the nominees for the Best Sound Editing Oscar before walking off again. It’s that easy, kids.

3 - “Jen will own the night,” part two. We don’t know who the source responsible for this quote is, but we’ve narrowed it down to one of 15 supporting characters from the movie Scarface.

The worst thing is, though, that Jennifer Aniston presenting an Oscar is only going to spur on Angelina Jolie to try and grab even more headlines in return. And, when you’ve already given your six-year-old son a knife, where else can you go? A fiver says that Angelina Jolie will admit to drowning kittens in binbags with Pax Thien before the week is out, just because it’ll get her on the cover of a magazine. Mark our words.

This story isn’t completely ludicrous, though. Plenty of actors only present Oscars to upset their rivals. take Sir Anthony Hopkins, for example – if you see him presenting an Oscar this year, know that it’s because Sir John Gielgud once pushed in front of him for a taxi and he still hasn’t forgiven the old dead bastard for it.

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