In 2011, sportsmen are not paid to be interesting. They’re paid huge sums to perform like androids and churn out cliches about ‘the team’ while showing absolutely no excitement for the field in which they perform.

So in that case, Lewis Hamilton is the perfect modern sporting personality.

Like many others, this crashing dullery saw him bagging an attractive celebrity girlfriend. He somehow managed to snare Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger. Sadly for him, they broke up and now, instead of retaining a dignified silence, he’s showing vague personality by saying that he still loves her. Maybe he should’ve been a little more interesting while they were courting, huh? So has he been crying over journalists, begging for a reappraisal?

The formula 1 dullard has revealed that the pair may be getting back together following their split last month, which horrified precisely every single person on Earth.

Of course, with Sherz’ working in the thrilling drug-filled, oddity-magnet world of the music business (and TV too), everyone assumed that she couldn’t wait to get away from Hamilton and his grease-smelling gussets and macrobiotic lunches.

That’s rot.

Speaking to The Mirror, Lewis Lewis, oooh-ooooh, said:

“We still have very, very strong feelings for each other. It’s still very early days. Who knows? Maybe we’ll be together in the future.”

They won’t.

See, Nicole isn’t getting any young. In celebrity terms, she’s about 5,000 years old (in reality, she’s only 33, but fame multiplies your age in dog years) and the clock is ticking in her face, saying, IF YOU WANT CHILDREN YOU MUST DO IT SOON BEFORE YOUR UNDERCARRIAGE HEALS OVER FOREVER, TURNING INTO A BLEACHED, DRIED HUSK.

With Lewis Hamilton being about 5 years old, he’s not ready. Basically, Nicole is going to be dry-humping boring men who do want children while he looks on, crying into his tepid tap-water breakfasts.

Steve Jones is so potent that he could get a homophobe’s trousers aroused. He could probably get a kitchen table pregnant. God. He’s just so sexual.

He’s so sexy that TV productions companies know it and that, because he’s got a relatively self-effacing sense of humour, you can say that people are having sex with him and he won’t mind.

And so, now that Nicole Scherzinger isn’t going out with Lewis Hamilton anymore (mainly because he’s about as thrilling as a wart being frozen off), the X Factor USA team have decided to press her groin against his and shout “YOU’RE TOTALLY GOING OUT NOW! WE ALL SAW YOU COPPING OFF WITH EACH OTHER!” Kim Kardashian is on hand to offer advice about shortlived, lucrative wedding deals no doubt.

Oh. Before we go on, we forgot to do the pun which we’re now obliged by law to write: X Factor? SEX FACTOR MORE LIKE!

Anyway, some source at Fox tells Heat that the judge and the host were actually told to get close earlier this summer, for the good of televisual chemistry.

The insider says:

“X Factor executives encouraged Nicole and Steve to build their chemistry, and get to know each other better over drinks”

“But since then, things have moved on.”

SEX FACTOR MORE LI… oh sorry, we’ve done that one.

And why haven’t they gone public?

The mole says:

“They can’t go public until they get the okay from Simon.”

You may laugh, but soon, we’ll all have to run our relationships by Simon Cowell… and Christ knows how difficult it is to get good praise from him without some terrible sob-story.

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Every six months, like clockwork, an event happens that assures us of the revolution of the earth and the cosmic alignment of the stars bringing summer and winter ever closer. We are referring- of course- to the biannual split of F1 moaner Lewis Hamilton and surprisingly talented ex-Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger.

Yes, as sure as the sun sets in the West, the couple have now moved to end their relationship after 4 years together with Lewis reported to be so upset that he actually considered calling his father before realising he was Paul Di Resta’s dad now, not his.

The split has been blamed on the pair struggling to spend time together due to their hectic work schedules but you’re not really interested in that, are you? You want some completely unfounded muck-raking. Don’t you?

You make us sick.

A source, invented by Now Magazine to pad out their story and recycled by us for exactly the same reason, said;

‘They’ve spoken at length about it but agreed there’s no point as they never see each other… They spend their whole time on opposite sides of the world.’

Irritating, perpetual complainer Hamilton, 26, lives in the Swiss city of Geneva where he spends most of his free time causing avalanches by wailing loudly at the side of a mountain (proving once and for all that no-one has any interest in his opinion on anything), while Scherzinger spends most of her time living a comfortable life in the Hollywood Hills.

Reports from the F1 paddock suggest that Hamilton might have all the time he needs to spend with his estranged lover if he loses his race seat at the end of the year, having spent most of the season flooding the McLaren garage with his petulant, child-like tears.

hecklerspray hopes that the distance excuse is just that and the fact of the matter is that Scherzinger became concerned at the sculpture of Hamilton’s facial hair. The racing driver’s beard has evolved over the years into a phenomenon more closely resembling something drawn by an architecture student with a set-square and an eyeliner pencil.

Despite moving to deny engagement rumours in the summer, their break-up is said to be final. The fictional source went on to say:

‘Although they came to an amicable decision, Nicole is actually devastated about it… She thought Lewis was the one.’

A spokesman for Hamilton declined to comment, but if you listen closely in the dead of night, you’ll be able to hear his despairing wails projected around the world by the Alps.

Nicole Scherzinger not only has a surname that’s really annoying to type out because it’s both long and tricky, but she’s also determined to break poor little Lewis Hamilton’s 8 year old motor racing heart.

Why? She’s refusing to marry him. Refusing point blank and in public. What a nasty, nasty piece of work the X Factor USA judge is.

With the whole world willing the pair down the aisle with a collective unbridled love and devotion, dedicated to this truly magnificent celebrity pair (where would we be without their combined vrooming and skreeching noises?), they have thrown our feelings back in our faces, leaving us to cry into our steam-cleaned wedding hats.

The heartless Pussycat Doll went to her decade old computer, got the modem working and slowly tapped out a message with one finger and her tongue hanging out on twitter:

‘Lewis and I woke up this morning and read we were engaged! Sorry to disappoint u all but its not true ’

Note the callous, mocking, smiling emoticon used in the sign off. Nicole Shirtynougat is actively getting off on our combined sorrow.

What a cruel, cruel woman she is. Christ knows how Lewis Hamilton will be feeling about it all. There’s a good chance he’ll end up crying while racing his car, tears filling his helmet, leaving him to crash into a concrete barrier at 200mph.

That’ll probably be greeted by Nicole Shredzammo on twitter with a ‘ ‘ emoticon.

Even Schnappszingerburger’s father hasn’t been spared of the misery. He was gleefully telling the world’s press all about the thrill of this wedding.

Nicole Slappenbingo’s daddio, Alfonso Valiente, said:

‘You know about the proposal? Yes they are engaged! My future son-in-law is a really nice guy, really down to earth. My family all like him. The good spirit is there.’

Come Alfonso, join us as we weep openly on street corners and try to learn how to spell your daughter’s name so we can daub it onto crude banners proclaiming our sudden hatred of her.

THE HEARTLESS BAG!

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hecklerspray readers will no doubt be familiar with articles where we pretend that we don’t know who someone is to massive comic effect that leaves you rolling around on the floor, convulsing in laughter, looking like a cross between an itchy dog and a shooting victim.

On this occasion however, it would be wrong of us to pretend that we haven’t heard of ultra-successful megastar Nicole Scherzinger.

How can we tell that Nicole is a massively successful megastar with more talent in her fingernails than we have in our collective editorial body? She’s the lead singer of a band so bland and uninteresting musically that most of their fanbase are too bored to crack one off over their videos. However, Nicole has come out of that group being the only person that anyone recognises or remembers.

Is that because she has a better publicist than the others and goes out with a Formula 1 driver whose face and simpering voice are so ingrained in the national psyche that, to ignore his girlfriend, would be incredibly rude.

Let’s not forget though that Nicole and the Pussycat Dolls have sold millions of records despite the fact that their songs are the musical equivalent of being battered to death by a man in a beige overcoat wielding a raw Cumberland Sausage. Nicole also got out of a car on ITV in front of thousands of screaming plebs on The X Factor before sitting in front of said plebs being immensely polite and charming to people with only slightly less talent than her bandmates.

Her bandmates that she no longer speaks to according to an interview in Attitude.

Yes, that’s right! Apparently the Pussycat Dolls are still together! Who knew?! Who cared?! Not us, that’s for certain. However, the Pussycat Dolls’ split comes at a very useful time for Ms Scherzinger whose new solo album came out recently. It’s almost as if, by calling time on a band that no-one cared about or gave more than a passing thought to, it might help her own album sales.

There’s that exceptional publicist at work again.

The truth is that the Pussycat Dolls probably haven’t split. A massive movement which is actually the brainchild of someone else entirely is more than likely to survive the loss of Scherzinger and her preposterously large ego. Things like this never die. Look at the Sugababes. They’re now a Sugababes tribute band. The Pussycat Dolls are a highly lucrative and bloody irritating brand, not a girl group. They’ll probably be back.

Unfortunately.

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What was your favourite Cheryl Cole moment from last year’s X Factor? The time she wouldn’t stop crying?

The dress made of spoons? The time she dressed up as a Space Nazi and sang that song about sticking with Ashley Cole? Well, cherish those moments because you might never see their kind again. Apparently, while she’s at home recovering from malaria, Cheryl Cole has grown paranoid that her stand-in – Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls – will replace her permanently.

Which is just dumb. After all, give Simon Cowell some credit. He’s not stupid enough to hire anyone as bland and superficially attractive as Nicole Scherzinger on a full-time basis. Although, now we come to mention it, he did hire Cheryl Cole, didn’t he? We’ve changed our mind – Cheryl should be bloody well cacking it.

It won’t have escaped your attention that Nicole Scherzinger – the one from the Pussycat Dolls who looks least like a middle-aged transvestite – has temporarily taken over Cheryl Cole’s X Factor duties while she’s on malaria leave. Papers have been full of the news – which is good, because otherwise we might not have noticed that one dead-eyed pop gonk has been replaced by an almost completely identical dead-eyed pop gonk – but it’s got Cheryl Cole worried.

If reports are to be believed, Cheryl is paranoid that Nicole is just as multi-talented as her – that she can say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and wear uncomfortable-looking dresses and occasionally mime to a song onstage – that she’ll end up stealing her X Factor job forever. Metro reports:

Cheryl was hoping her Girls Aloud pal Kimberley Walsh could take her spot. A source said: ‘She (Cheryl) wanted to help her close friend get more airtime and thought she’d be a perfect stand in.  Now she’s terrified Nicole will replace her permanently.’… Friends of Cheryl told the magazine that they’re trying to calm her down so she doesn’t worry herself into a state.

What? Calm her down? Are you crazy? What has Cheryl Cole got to be calm about? Nicole Scherzinger is almost definitely going to steal her job. There’s only one thing for it – Cheryl has to forget about the malaria and rush back to work straight away. Yes, that might mean that several future episodes of X Factor would feature a shivering, sweating, hollow-eyed corpse-like figure covered in poo and sick who’s prone to sporadic tortured wails. But we can still remember when Sharon Osbourne was a judge, so it wouldn’t really be anything new.

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When this year’s Dancing With The Stars began, and you looked at all the contestants, who did you think would win?

Nicole Scherzinger. You obviously thought that Nicole Scherzinger would win. That’s partly because Nicole Scherzinger dances on a day to day basis for a living, and partly because the other Dancing With The Stars contestants were either octogenarian astronauts or reality TV stars who’d given birth so many times that they could barely get through a Paso Doble without tripping up on their own saggy vaginas. No, Nicole Scherzinger was always going to win Dancing With The Stars. Always.

And last night Nicole Scherzinger won Dancing With The Stars. Oh, at least try to look surprised.

Well, that’s Dancing With The Stars finished for another year. What an experience it’s been for everyone. We’ve seen Pamela Anderson defy the basic laws of engineering by standing upright and moving around a bit. We’ve seen a brand new side to Kate Gosselin that’s even less likeable to the side we already knew about. We’ve seen Buzz Aldrin dance for money, which is one of the least dignified things you can see a former astronaut do, after having full sex with a scale polystyrene model of the moon.

And we’ve seen Nicole Scherzinger. Nicole Scherzinger’s competition going into last night’s Dancing With The Stars final was figure skater Evan Lysacek in a battle billed as ‘The supreme performer versus the supreme athlete’. That seems to be overdoing it a little, because it’s based on the presumption that figure skaters are athletes and not just jumped-up dancers, and that girls who basically just waggle their boobs and arses around for a living count as performers. But anyway, Nicole Scherzinger and her partner Derek Hough won. Did we mention that? Reuters reports:

When host Tom Bergeron announced Scherzinger was the winner, she seemed genuinely surprised, jumping up and down and screaming and hugging Hough. She blew a kiss to her rival Lysacek and his partner Anna Trebunskaya, and he graciously accepted second place saying he was “totally satisfied with everything we gave.”

So congratulations to Nicole Scherzinger. Winning Dancing With The Stars is bound to be a giant career boost for her – just look what it did to former Dancing With The Stars winners like… um… oh, actually, never mind.

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Nicole Scherzinger has spoken of her desire to get her man to take her up the aisle.

Clean that filthy mind, you! We mean an actual aisle in a place of worship and not the back passage way that all her other lovers have taken her down, with convincing talk that it would only sting for a day or so afterward.

Well, whichever well-lubricated aisle she had in mind, the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls has decided to get engaged around July, to her man candy Lewis Hamilton. Note to future gold diggers: just being with a man who is desired by many is not enough when you become rich and famous, “Greedy Bitch-itus” has to overcome you and you have to marry the boy too.

Not that from what it seems anyone has bothered to tell Lewis, but his girlfriend Nicole is desperate to wed him and sees the pair of them getting engaged, all official like, in the next few weeks. We are pretty sure at least one of you needs to be drunk and at least one of you has to actually have proposed, in order for it to be a proper engagement, but Nicole is not a details person she is an action person. She is not a damn thinker, she is a doer!

After all, she did not manage to rise to the dizzying heights of the “least ugly” singer in the Hot Tranny Mess Dolls from sitting around thinking all day. No siree. (She got there from scratching the furniture in her record bosses office and peeing on the carpet until they caved in).

Back to business, Nicole has spoken to a UK glossy magazine and says that in essence she is engaged in her own mind. Taking nothing as insignificant as the desires of her partner into consideration, the Doll revealed that she does not see why one would wait to marry when in love and that July in particular works for her to become engaged (hint, hint).

From Hello! magazine:

“Would I get married? For sure and, yeah, the Dolls can be the bridesmaids,” she said. “But I have to get engaged first. Late July is looking good.“Marriage is a seal of love. On my solo album I have sung about how much I love that and what the whole process would mean to me. Who needs a reason to seal their love?”

And you may like to know that, yes girls, pressuring a man to stay with you or in Nicole’s case propose to you is a fantastic way to keep him around. That won’t give him the heeby jeebies at all and if you want to do something extra-special to convince him of your love, you want to get “accidentally” knocked up as well… can’t hurt*.

*hecklerspray staff and management do not condone getting preggers to keep anyone around, or pretending to be preggers by stuffing cushions up your jumper/ drinking too much fizzy pop and pointing to your full belly and trying to convince your partner that way. Get yourself a kitten rather than a baby, they are much more fun anyway.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is just marvellous.

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