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Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman Kind Of Likes Being A Mother, Mostly

by Stuart Heritage

Nicole Kidman isn’t a traditional Hollywood star – for instance, rather than make one film that everyone loves, she’ll make ten films that everyone hates.

And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they’ll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that’s not how Nicole Kidman rolls.

Similarly when most moviestars have children, they’ll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn’t roll that way – which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn’t seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn’t want to die and how she can’t stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.

Nicole Kidman isn't a traditional Hollywood star - for instance, rather than make one film that everyone loves, she'll make ten films that everyone hates. And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they'll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that's not how Nicole Kidman rolls. Similarly when most moviestars have children, they'll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn't roll that way - which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn't seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn't want to die and how she can't stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.
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Nicole Kidman’s Hatred Of Scientology Inspired Stupid Baby Name, Source

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Nicole Kidman has finally achieved her life’s goal and given birth to a baby, we can all concentrate on why she gave it such a crappy name.

And actually it seems like there’s quite a simple answer – Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently.

You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See?

Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that’s important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.

Now that Nicole Kidman has finally achieved her life's goal and given birth to a baby, we can all concentrate on why she gave it such a crappy name. And actually it seems like there's quite a simple answer - Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently. You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See? Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that's important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.
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Nicole Kidman Thwumps Out Her Semi-Cowboy Baby

by Stuart Heritage

This is a joyous day, a momentous occasion that will change the world forever – it’s the day when Nicole Kidman can stop whining about not having any babies.

That’s right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she’s inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman’s new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don’t know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

Best of all, we’re almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?

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Nicole Kidman Wants You To Stop Punching Women In The Face

by Stuart Heritage

Nicole Kidman is married to an alcoholic country singer. She also fierce campaigns to end violence towards women. These two facts are completely unrelated.

And yesterday Nicole Kidman went to the United Nations headquarters in New York to further her cause. Speaking in front of the world’s media, Nicole Kidman told the world’s press about her commitment to the campaign. With the help of world governments and the United Nations, Nicole Kidman said, within ten years she can meet her target of having 75% of the world’s females married off to alcoholic country singers.

What? Nicole Kidman was actually talking about the violence towards women thing? Oh, what a hilarious misunderstanding.

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Nicole Kidman’s Face Is Extremely Bat-Like

by Shawn Lindseth

When Nicole Kidman starred in BMX Bandits, the world truly was her oyster. She was beautiful, she was fresh, and watching those two Australian bicyclists repeatedly steal ice cream cones from that fat kid was truly funny as funny can be.

She may as well hang it up though, because now she looks exactly like a large-browed bat. It’s unknown whether or not she flies around blindly eating insects at night, but if what her face looks like now means anything, then surely she does. Plus, through most of Bewitched we think she had a squished mosquito stuck to her enamel.

Nicole Kidman looks like a hideous clean-shaven bat. She really does. Don’t be down on us for saying it – we’re just passing along news. It’s a doctor what said it. Then we realised it was true.

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Nicole Kidman Actually Manages To Get Properly Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

Each time Nicole Kidman has set foot outside over the last couple of years, the world has peered at the outline of her belly and openly wondered how many babies she had stashed inside it.

Sadly, most of the time Nicole Kidman had zero babies in her belly, with the stomach lumps probably either being nothing more than either trapped wind or a distortion caused by her stomach housing three semi-digested edamame beans instead of the usual two. But now, finally, Nicole Kidman has managed to get pregnant with help from her overpolished country singer husband Keith Urban. Nobody knows what sex Nicole Kidman’s baby will be, or even when it’s due, but we honestly couldn’t be more thrilled for Nicole and Keith. Keith especially, because soon Nicole Kidman will be so busy looking after her tot that she won’t notice if he goes out and gets drunk every now and then.

Each time Nicole Kidman has set foot outside over the last couple of years, the world has peered at the outline of her belly and openly wondered how many babies she had stashed inside it. Sadly, most of the time Nicole Kidman had zero babies in her belly, with the stomach lumps probably either being nothing more than either trapped wind or a distortion caused by her stomach housing three semi-digested edamame beans instead of the usual two. But now, finally, Nicole Kidman has managed to get pregnant with help from her overpolished country singer husband Keith Urban. Nobody knows what sex Nicole Kidman's baby will be, or even when it's due, but we honestly couldn't be more thrilled for Nicole and Keith. Keith especially, because soon Nicole Kidman will be so busy looking after her tot that she won't notice if he goes out and gets drunk every now and then.
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Katie Holmes Called ‘Mom’ By Tom Cruise’s Adorable Experiments

by Stuart Heritage

Katie Holmes has slotted in so well to married life with Tom Cruise that Tom’s children from his time with Nicole Kidman call her ‘Mom’ in their allotted thrice-monthly visits to her cage.

Katie Holmes revealed to Parade magazine that Tom’s adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, refer to her as ‘Mom’, even though ‘very slightly older sister’ would have probably been more apt. However, this sudden revelation is bound to upset Nicole Kidman profoundly, especially since she has said that the children now call her ‘Nicole’ against her wishes. Some have commented that this is all a deliberate ploy by Tom Cruise to turn the kids against Kidman, but we’re not so sure – every kid knows the easiest way to get a bigger Christmas present from one divorced parent is pretend that you like the other divorced parent’s new partner more than them.

Come on, that’s rule number one, people.

Katie Holmes has slotted in so well to married life with Tom Cruise that Tom's children from his time with Nicole Kidman call her 'Mom' in their allotted thrice-monthly visits to her cage. Katie Holmes revealed to Parade magazine that Tom's adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, refer to her as 'Mom', even though 'very slightly older sister' would have probably been more apt. However, this sudden revelation is bound to upset Nicole Kidman profoundly, especially since she has said that the children now call her 'Nicole' against her wishes. Some have commented that this is all a deliberate ploy by Tom Cruise to turn the kids against Kidman, but we're not so sure - every kid knows the easiest way to get a bigger Christmas present from one divorced parent is pretend that you like the other divorced parent's new partner more than them. Come on, that's rule number one, people.
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Photographer Made Nicole Kidman Cry 35 Months Ago

by Stuart Heritage

This just in – the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman sad. Actually, that’s a lie – we don’t know how the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman feel now – but in January 2005 the paparazzi definitely made Nicole Kidman sad.

How sad? Sad enough for Nicole Kidman to turn up in court yesterday and legally testify that a photographer made her cry by trying to take her picture back on January 23, 2005. As part of a defamation suit against an Australian newspaper by Jamie Fawcett, the photographer in question, Nicole Kidman showed up at the New South Wales State Supreme Court in Sydney to say that she was reduced to tears when Fawcett chased her almost three years ago. This news will come as an incredible surprise to anyone who, like us, presumed that Nicole Kidman’s tear-ducts were Botoxed into everlasting paralysis long, long ago.

This just in - the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman sad. Actually, that's a lie - we don't know how the paparazzi makes Nicole Kidman feel now - but in January 2005 the paparazzi definitely made Nicole Kidman sad. How sad? Sad enough for Nicole Kidman to turn up in court yesterday and legally testify that a photographer made her cry by trying to take her picture back on January 23, 2005. As part of a defamation suit against an Australian newspaper by Jamie Fawcett, the photographer in question, Nicole Kidman showed up at the New South Wales State Supreme Court in Sydney to say that she was reduced to tears when Fawcett chased her almost three years ago. This news will come as an incredible surprise to anyone who, like us, presumed that Nicole Kidman's tear-ducts were Botoxed into everlasting paralysis long, long ago.
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