Here at hecklerspray, we take stalking very seriously indeed. So seriously in fact, we spend all of our bingo winnings on really hi-tech night vision goggles making sure all those celebrities are safe from harm while undressing in front of their bedroom windows at night.

However, in the days before Tom Cruise was the only slightly sinister man to follow Nicole Kidman around, she has revealed that she was once stalked as a teenager.

This wouldn’t have happened on our watch.

She took time out from kissing that cowboy fella to say:

“It was my most frightening experience at that age.  I had a man who would follow me around – older, with long grey hair.”

“He found out where I lived and would phone me. He would just sit in a pub across the road and watch – then tell people he was a friend of mine.”

Having Gandalf peek at you from behind a lamp-post must be terrifying for anyone but knowing he’s already knocked back 6 glasses of Lambrini in the pub beforehand is the very essence of nightmares.

TELL THE POLICE KIDMAN, YOU FRAIL WOMAN!!. FOR THE LOVE OF G……Oh you did.

“The police talked to him, but they said they couldn’t do anything until he did something to me. You never know how bad these people are going to be.”

So the rubbish rozzers did nothing and she was so outraged and determined not to be put in that position again, she went down the self-preservation route by becoming internationally famous, marrying lots of short famous people and spending her entire life in the public eye so that no-one would ever follow her or become obsessed with her ever again. Oh if we only understood what irony meant we’d probably use that word here.

She successfully filed a restraining order against some other nutjob in 2001.

Result.

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What is the point of Adam Sandler? Sure, there was a time when his mongrel-like face, annoying laugh and humour as subtle as getting diarrhoea in a library was kind-of-okay and sorta charming, but now he’s officially gone too far.

That manchild routine may have been acceptable in the ’90s, but it’s 2011 and mass audiences will not put up with his crap anymore.

OK that’s a lie; his films always gross an obscene amount of money which convince people to finance his future films and leave those with any sort of taste weeping in the corner while trying to understand why the world is such a depressing place.

But before we get to how stupid everyone is for paying to see this sort of crap, lets talk about Just Go With It, Sandler’s newest romcom, which already has the distinction of being just as dreadful as Kate Hudson’s last cinematic abortion.

The film starts in the ’80s (and you know that because everyone has bad hair and big shoulderpads and clothes that looks like a sequin monster vomited all over them) when cardiologist Danny Maccabee (Sandler) finds out his fiance is only marrying him for his money.

Broken hearted, he sulks in a bar and whines about his problem to an exceedingly hot woman who wouldn’t spit on him were he on fire. She, SOMEHOW, is touched by his story and turned on by his ring that she takes him home for awful, awful sex.

This causes a little lightbulb to go off over his idiotic head and he switches to plastic surgery, gets himself a new schnoz and starts using his wedding ring (cue hideously lazy and completely out of date Gollum joke) to lure young, stupid girls into his bed.

Yes, this is our hero, the man we’re supposed root for, a man who basically uses his ring as rohypnol.

At a party thrown by a man who can’t control his face because he’s had so much work done (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) he meets, shags, then falls in love with Palmer (Brooklyn Decker), a school teacher who absolutely doesn’t look like a school teacher. But uh-oh, she finds his ring and because she’s so utterly perfect she refuses to date a married man and Danny has to come up with a scheme to justify his wedding ring.

Have you lost the will to live yet?

Luckily, he has a lovely assistant named Katherine (Jennifer Aniston) who agrees to play the part should he buy her some expensive shoes and get her a haircut because as a single mother to two annoying little shits, she doesn’t have time to make sure she looks sub-human before leaving the house. It’s at this point it’s made explicitly clear that expensive clothes make you more beautiful because Katherine gets hot overnight simply by taking off her glasses and lab coat.

She accidentally slips about the two brats she owns and now they have to pretend to be his kids too. As if it couldn’t get any worse, they decide to go on a big holiday to Hawaii. Honestly why even go on? Just grab whatever might be a little bit sharp and start scratching away at your limbs.

So, just so we’re clear, these are all the things that have happened so far:

• Danny is supposed to be loveable when in fact he’s a lying cunt who preys on young women with self-esteem so low they’d let him put his penis wherever he likes.
• Palmer is a holier-than-thou school teacher who doesn’t believe in infidelity but will gladly sleep with a man she just met and parade around with her jugs spilling out.
• Jennifer Aniston pretends to be dowdy by having her hair in a ponytail and pimps out her children for some shoes.
• We’re expected to believe that after one night Danny and Palmer are in love and she’s prepared to put up with this crap even though they have NOTHING in common.

The action goes to Hawaii for no reason other than to have Aniston and Decker walk around in bikinis in slow motion. Honestly, it would’ve been less obvious for placards to appear on screen saying “YOU WILL NEVER BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS THESE PEOPLE”. Let’s not talk about the idiot they rope in to be Katherine’s partner or the daughter who insists on speaking in a cockney accent or the fact that it’s impossible to care about any of these people because they are all so dreadful.

Nicole Kidman rocks up to provide a few laughs but as soon as a man (who turns out to be gay) picks up a coconut with his arse it all gets upsetting again. Sandler, enough of this. The greatness of The Wedding Singer cannot erase crap like this and it’s time to leave the industry of making films forever!

Avoid Just Go With It like the plague. In fact, getting the plague and using your last days to pick scabs off would be much more fun that this soulless tripe created to make rich people richer.

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Remember Nicole Kidman from BMX Bandits and that Robbie Williams song? Well, she’s a new mother and she’s positively glowing about it. That’s because she’s had her Ready Brek, not because she’s ever been pregnant.

The Scientology escapist announced the birth of her and husband Keith Urban’s daughter called  Faith who was born via someone else who Kidman didn’t care about them getting their vagina’s stretched beyond recognition.

And now, she wants another baby. Well she would, wouldn’t she? It’s a piece of piss when all you have to do is sit around with your arms expectantly wide, waiting for someone else to fire it into your embrace.

She said:

“I want more children. I love being around that life force. People ask, ‘Was the film really hard?’ Well, it wasn’t hard to find the emotions. It was hard to keep them in, to put them back. And I cannot imagine doing this if I didn’t have children.”

And while she’s got our attention, she would also like us all to know how much she’d like the Best Actress Oscar at the upcoming Academy Awards.

Is it because she’s a needy celebrity? Well, yes. However, she’s buttering it up as a victory for her entire family.

She said:

“When I won the Oscar for ‘The Hours’ in 2003, it just went past. I would so love that moment with Keith because these sort of things are very much about your marriage.

“We talk about ‘Rabbit Hole’ as ‘our’ film because he gave up a lot for me to make it. It’s definitely our daughter Sunday’s film too.”

So there you have it. Trying to guilt trip your way to an award.

Shameful.

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Nicole Kidman isn’t famous for much, but we can almost certainly all agree that her most famous roles were in BMX Bandits and that perfume advert where she garbled “I’m a daaaahncer! I love to dahnce!” with that one-night stand who wore a vest and had greasy hair. The hussy.

Anyway, in real life, she’s The Woman Who Escaped The Thetans and now, someone who has brought another future disappointment into the world aka a baby human being.

Kidman and her country warbling husband, Keith Urban, have announced that they are now parents of a new baby daughter. A daughter that was born with a surrogate for some reason. We can’t be bothered to find out why, so we’ll just assume that it is down to laziness.

Of course, because this is a famous child, it has to have a stupid name. Over to the blank eyes and beaming smiles of the couple themselves:

“Our family is truly blessed, and just so thankful, to have been given the gift of baby Faith Margaret”

“No words can adequately convey the incredible gratitude that we feel for everyone who was so supportive throughout this process, in particular our gestational carrier.”

Ah! The romance of it all! Mother! Father! Daughter! Gestational carrier! What? Wait a minute! Could they not have said “…and a big thanks to Kath who carried this child for us. To her, we’re eternally grateful. We’ll send her a Christmas card ever year… ’til we forget who she is,” or something?

Kidman and Urban got married in 2006 and have another daughter together called Sunday Rose, which is also a really stupid name.

Here’s hoping the next one has a similarly daft name like Bendy Skateboard or Slippery Tarantula or something.

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Nicole Kidman is a mother – something that’s only really brought up when she’s on the promotional trail. We’re not parents of anyone, mind you. We’re only just competent enough to look after the hecklerspray house gerbil, and we don’t think it’s wise to make a leap to a house baby kept in the gerbil’s cage and fed from the same bowl with ‘Killer’ emblazoned in crayon.

All that considered, being the parents of precisely no one, we’re not really in a position to judge. We are, however, in a position to point and yell obscenities at our screens while licking melted chocolate buttons from our chubby little fingers.

So that’s what we’re going to do.

Nicole had one of those baby things in July 2008. She named it something that was a hilariously-close approximation of ‘Sunday Roast’, Sunday Rose.

That child, now two-and-a-half, is the only child about whom Nicole talks without prompting; gushing lovingly about her baby and waxing lyrical about the joys of having a biological child.

One problem. Well, two. One aged 18, the other 15 – her two adopted children with ex-husband, Tom Cruise, beginning two years after their wedding in 1990.

Two people about whom she forgets unless asked to account for why she’s never seen with them and why she seems to have no contact or relationship since the marriage split in 2001.

From Monsters and Critics:

Nicole Kidman has admitted that she is sad that her two adopted children chose to live with ex-husband Tom Cruise. Isabella, 18, and Connor, 15, live in America with Cruise, his wife Katie Holmes and their four-year-old daughter Suri, but Nicole said that she has to respect and accept their decision. She told Hello! Magazine, ‘They live with Tom, which was their choice. I’d love them to live with us, but what can you do?’ The actress welcomed daughter Sunday Rose with new husband Keith Urban in July 2008, and said she was named after their favourite day of the week. ‘When we were both alone, before we met each other, Sunday was the day we dreaded most, because when you don’t have someone in your life Sundays can be really lonely,’ she explained. ‘Then when we met, we went from dreading Sunday to really loving it. We just thought, ‘What a great name for our baby!’ It’s a beautiful thing at 43 to have a two-and-a-half year old.’

She didn’t forget about children she spent the better part of a decade raising after co-adopting them.

SEE!

She’s just been really busy, knitting and getting botox for the last 10 years.

She loves and thinks about them. And it only sounds as though she’s become indifferent to their existence, because of her biological child. The way it was rumoured at one point Tom wanted ‘his own’ son, because son Connor didn’t count.

This leads us to deduce the following:

1) Babies are like DVDs and take-backsies are fine/ legal

2) A biological baby is better than an adopted one, and it’s fine to put the adopted child(ren) in storage once you give birth

3) Spending a decade not moving your forehead is a reasonable excuse for not guiding your children into adulthood

4) Kids are like sweaters – once you get a new one, you can’t really be expected to be so excited about the old one and those stupid buttons that keep falling off.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.

But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.

The same can’t be said for our Henrietta Hoover, though. Sure, she has an eager face, a bag full of accessories and a suck that could strip paint, but she looks more like a hyperactive child that has drunk too much Sunny D than Darryl Hannah in Bladerunner.

Mind you, come to think of it, her bag has been a full a lot recently – the cheap, pink floozy. OK, we are only joking now – and, sure, as we write, we feel slightly soiled and unusual, but robots really can be sexy.

Think about it, robots do what you ask them to do and are happy to please. Plus their beauty never fades and there is always an off switch for those rare occasions when their ‘personality’ chips overheat. Then the attraction starts to become obvious: Less housework, less conflict and more sex – even if it is a bit icky, like trying to mount a pink Optimus Prime or something.

But which robots from movies, TV and even music videos are the sexiest? Well, hecklerspray, as always, provides lame answers to the questions you never asked in the first place.

We have even managed to get one bloke in our list of lovely lady-bots to make it fairer. Mind you it is Jude Law, who, especially after seeing a picture of his private parts, barely counts.

Anyway enjoy – we are already looking forward to comments of ‘you forgot blah blah from that film no one has ever heard of’. Oh, and, yes, we are including bloody cyborgs. Don’t start.

22. Bjork lesbian robot
From: Music video All Is Full Of Love

Brilliant video of Bjork getting it on with herself. No, not like that.

21. Cameron (Summer Glau)
From: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Everyone loves the Summer.

20. Gigolo Joe (Jude Law)
From: AI

Token bloke alert.

19. Diana A
From: Mazinger Z

Her breasts are missiles – what else needs to be said. Don’t look at us like that.

18. Annalee Call (Winona Ryder)
From: Alien Resurrection

Everyone’s favourite shoplifter.

17. Alice (Isabel Lucas)
From: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Great tongue and a more convincing human being than Megan Fox.

16. Joanna Eberhart (Katharine Ross)
From: Stepford Wives (1975 version)

What? Come on! You so would. Or, errr, would have done.

15. Various (The Fembots)
From: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Even Liz Hurley almost passed as sexy as a FemBot. Mind you, she already had the robotic moves and cold, emotionless stare – that’s how she normally acts.

14. Rosie (voice of Jean Vander Pyl)
From: The Jetsons

So eager to please.

13. Eve (Renee Soutendijk)
From: Eve of Destruction

If you have never seen this film, get it out now. It’s about a government-created robot built in the image of a sexy scientist and it’s up to actor/dancer Gregory Hines to stop her from blowing up and taking everyone with her. Really.

12. Joanna Eberhart (Nicole Kidman)
From: The Stepford Wives (newer, crappier version)

OK, not to everyone’s taste, but this is my list, OK?

11. Casella ‘Cash’ Reese (Angelina Jolie)
From: Cyborg 2

Cyborg 2 is so bad, it’s worse than Cyborg. But Angelina Jolie, before she is famous, has a naked scene where she cavorts with the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (No, not Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince). You can almost smell her desperation.

10. Maria (Brigitte Helm)
From: Metropolis

An exotic dancer who doesn’t talk?

9. Rachael (Sean Young)
From: Blade Runner

Our replicants really robots, who cares?

8. Gigolo Jane (Ashley Scott)
From: AI

AI is a such a bad film. Even worse than Cyborg 2. But strikingly attractive love-bot, Gigolo Jane, almost makes up for the 18 bum-numbing hours sopent watching this utter turd.

7. Lucy Liu-bot
From: Futurama

A robot with the body of Lucy Liu that you can turn off – Hrrrrrh!!!

6. Android Andrea (Sherry Jackson)
From: Star Trek: The Original series

Kissing Kirk was not part of her programming. What can we say, programmes are there to be hacked. Better still that costume doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

5. Number Eight: Grace Park
From: Battlestar Galactica

4. Pris (Darryl Hannah)
From: Blade Runner

Basic pleasure model – need we say anymore?

3. Number Six (Tricia Helfer)
From: Battlestar Galatica

tricia-helfer

Top of the range toaster.

2. Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan)
From: Star Trek: Voyager

More 10 out of 10.

1. The Terminatrix (Kristanna Loken)
From: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

A clear winner.

Honorable mentions:
Demon Seed – Proteus
Arnie – Terminator franchise

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Jennifer Aniston used to get paid $1,000,000 for every episode of Friends she flipped her hair and whored about in.

Adam Sandler has appeared in some of the highest-grossing film comedies ever and won acting plaudits for more serious roles in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.

Nicole Kidman has a Best Actress Oscar.

AND NOW THEY’RE ALL APPEARING IN A FILM WITH HEIDI MONTAG!

Heidi Montag, whose name translates in German as ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ has signed up for Just Go With It, an intense and deeply disturbing insight into torture methods used on both sides during the first Gulf War. Oh, no. Sorry. That’s not it, it’s a romantic comedy about a man and woman and love and blah blah blah…

Whatever.

Jennifer Aniston is apparently pleased about the latest sign-up. When she was asked about the Montag joining the cast, she said: “I just heard that. That’s interesting and fun”, adding that Montag is ‘perfect’ for the role, but declined to give any details about what she will be doing. Crying uncontrollably? Singing tuneless pop songs badly? Marrying a Pratt?

If her cringe-worthy antics in The Hills are anything to go by, where she fails to convince even when playing herself, we’re in for a real treat with this.

If her awful cameo in How I Met Your Mother is anything to by, where she failed to convince even when playing herself, we really are in for a real treat here.

If her quality Superficial album, which has sold just 15,000 copies despite costing nearly $2,000,000 to make, is anything to by, well – you see what we’re saying. She’s awful.

Although we’ve long suspected that Heidi Montag is not the surgically-enhanced, airheaded pillock that everyone takes her for. Why do we think this? Well, because we’re idiots. But nevertheless, it is hecklerspray’s firmly-held belief that Montag is a satirical comedy creation, designed to highlight the insignificance of talent, fame or charm. A character that will one day soon be revealed to us, to show us all how far off course we have gone, the personification of the futility of earnest achievement and hard work in today’s society.

Or is that just bollocks?

Just Go With It arrives in cinemas to a collective shrug next year.

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Hunting high and low.

Folded:

• Legendary Usain Bolt on Top Gear (runs fast, drives fast, and all this on a diet of Chicken Nuggets. Fact)
• Music on Rabbit Chat and Date (okay so most of it’s keyboard crap, but one of the tracks does sound a bit like Tub Scene by David Holmes)
• Gormley’s Plinth (if only because it’s given Daily Mail readers something else to moan about other than immigrants)
• Ghostbusters The Video Game (surprisingly frustrating to play, but fun to sit and listen to)
• The Stateside Candy Co. (get fat on cool American sweets without ever having to go there)

Creased:

• Penultimate episode from season 3 of The Wire – BBC2 (the revealing scene between Stringer and Maury was well written, and it’s still a great show, but on the whole this episode was too far fetched and silly)
• Nicole Kidman (god knows what’s happened here)
• The Mini-Sneeze (you know that pointless little sneeze some people do? Sounds a bit like The Knights Who Say Nee from Monty Python? Yeah, well it’s really annoying)
• James Cracknell (seems like a real git on On Thin Ice, doesn’t he?)
• Silly horsey girl presenters on BBC Three (this channel’s idea of regional is Chelsea)

Nicole Kidman, of who it’s long been known hates all cultures except that one from wherever she’s from (we think its Iceland), absolutely hates everything about Australia.

She hates Australia’s Outback, she hates Australia’s kangaroos, and perhaps most perplexing of all, she only has nice things to say about the country’s gaping ozone hole. THAT THING IS KILLING PEOPLE, NICOLE!

The final alleged anti-Australian blow that Kidman’s PR people should really get on is the way she hates Aborigines and all they stand for – especially their musical instruments that are sacredly reserved for the lips of men, but that she likes to puff on anyway.

Australia’s native Aboriginal population is full of wonderful people with ancestral roots dating back to ancient Mesopotamia – once a suburb of modern day Sydney. Long have they enjoyed a fertile climate generous enough to supply edible vegetation and ample space to film Crocodile Dundee movies.

Another thing they enjoy are wind instruments or, more specifically as it applies to this story, the didgeridoo. The didge, as it’s commonly called, is made from the branches of a gumtree. You blow in the smaller end and a large vibrational sound is emitted.

Sure, this sounds nice – but that’s just because you don’t yet know the frequency emitted is the exact one that can clog a woman’s baby parts if she’s the one huffing into the smaller end. This is an actual aboriginal belief, more or less. But Nicole Kidman doesn’t care – why should she fear anything to come out of such a stupid country, right?

Her thoughts, not ours. Plus, worst case scenario all she’d have to do is jump in that one lake again.

The Telegraph has specifics on the didgeridoo matter:

“Nicole Kidman has angered indigenous Australians by attempting to play a didgeridoo while promoting her new film Australia on a German television programme. The stunt flouts an Aboriginal custom that dictates women are forbidden to play the instrument. Kidman made the faux pas on the weekend during Wetten Das…? a popular chat show”

Well this obvious flaunting of something held in high regard by so many people doesn’t surprise us when it comes to Kidman. Not after what we’ve previously heard. For instance it wasn’t long ago someone told us they saw her poop on a Nordic war-hammer. This may not sound bad to some – but in Nordia those things are usually kept on sacred alters.

See? That’s what we mean – this doesn’t surprise us at all.

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Nicole Kidman has made flops for five years, so now she’s going to change that – by making a film about Nicole Kidman’s penis.

According to reports, Nicole Kidman has signed up to play Einar Wegener – the world’s first male-to-female post-op transsexual – in a movie adaptation of the novel The Danish Girl. It sounds like playing Wegener could be the biggest gamble of Nicole Kidman’s career, but we’re certain that she’ll cope with it.

Why? Two reasons. Firstly, Nicole Kidman’s face is now so unsettlingly immobile that at least if she has a penis flapping about between her legs we’ll be able to know when she’s sexually aroused, which is one more identifiable emotion than she’s been able to convincingly deliver recently. Secondly, Nicole Kidman knows about getting your dick removed – she did get divorced from Tom Cruise, remember.

Nicole Kidman has made some blinding movies lately, hasn’t she? Like that one where she had it off with a 10-year-old boy because she thought he was her dead husband. That was a good one, although not as good as the one where she played a woman famous for taking photos of a hairy man. Oh, and who can forget the remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers where she screams a lot and beats up little Asian kids with a bed?

However, chances are you didn’t see any of those movies because, well, because nobody did. Just like nobody saw Bewitched, The Golden Compass or Margot At The Wedding. In fact, things have got so bad for Nicole Kidman professionally that she was recently named the worst-value actress in Hollywood.

And now that Nicole Kidman has taken some time out to have a baby and give some genuinely uncomfortable interviews about it, it’s time for her to make her dramatic comeback. How does she plan to do that? By getting her agent to seek out a surefire blockbuster for her to star in? By securing a small part in a comedy to show that she can make fun out of herself, Tom Cruise-style?

No. Nicole Kidman has decided to stage her comeback by making a film about a man who his his willy chopped off. Worse still, it’s a Danish man. Reuters reports:

The Australian actress will star in and produce “The Danish Girl,” based on the true story of Danish artists Einar and Greta Wegener… Greta encouraged her husband to adopt [a] female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.

Of course, Nicole Kidman should find playing a man particularly easy – her rigid batlike face makes it perfect to convey masculine suppressed emotion, for instance, plus she’s married to Keith Urban and he’s a man. She should get into practise for the role by copying his mannerisms. Not all of them, obviously, because we’re not sure how many Danish transsexuals from the 1930s were roaring drunk rednecks who look, act and talk exactly the same as Sawyer from Lost, but some of them.

But still, it’s easy to see why Nicole Kidman has decided to play a post-op transsexual. After all, she won an Oscar for playing a lesbian in The Hours, and Hilary Swank won an Oscar for play a transgendered boy, so it seems certain that The Danish Girl will be an expressway to Oscar glory for her. Provided, of course, that the Academy introduces a category for Best Shameful Pandering To Oscar Voters By A Woman Rendered Inscrutable By What Appears To Be Botched Cosmetic Surgery. It’s in the bag if that happens.

Nicole Kidman isn’t a traditional Hollywood star – for instance, rather than make one film that everyone loves, she’ll make ten films that everyone hates.

And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they’ll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that’s not how Nicole Kidman rolls.

Similarly when most moviestars have children, they’ll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn’t roll that way – which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn’t seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn’t want to die and how she can’t stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.

Nicole Kidman has been a mother for several years now, but that doesn’t count because a) her kids are adopted and b) they were adopted with Tom Cruise, which means they probably live in a cage with their eyes pinned open watching pro-Scientology propaganda interspersed with scenes from The Last Samurai. Probably.

So when Nicole Kidman gave birth to a baby daughter earlier this year, it was just like becoming a mother for the very first time. And with that birth came a wave of violently intense new emotions that Nicole Kidman had to deal with.

Admittedly you wouldn’t know it – over the last few years Nicole Kidman’s face has become so morbidly expressionless and bat-like that the only emotions she’s able to convincingly display are ‘ennui’, ‘mild displeasure’ and ‘corpse’ – but she has.

No, really, the birth of her baby has left Nicole Kidman in such a state that, as far as we can work out, she can’t stop crying because she’s always thinking about death. The Boston Herald reports:

“I’m raw and emotional… I cry even thinking of her. But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to (have a baby). To have been given it so late in life – I’m so ready for it… It’s very bittersweet. Because at 41, I think, ‘I want to see her 21st birthday, and I want to see her get married.’ My relationship with death used to be far more ambivalent… now it’s very much about staying in the world.”

Thinking logically it won’t be too hard for Nicole Kidman to stay alive until her daughter’s 21st birthday because by then she’ll only be 62 years old. And it’s not like she’ll be exhausted by the pressures of work either – it’s been so long since Nicole Kidman made a film that anybody actually liked that she should probably start thinking about semi-retirement as it is.

Because, honestly, it seems as though Nicole Kidman has got such a good handle on this motherhood lark that she should probably turn her hand to writing parenting guides, starting with a book for new mothers in their forties entitled NO! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I’M SO AFRAID! ARRRRRRGH!

Or something.

Now that Nicole Kidman has finally achieved her life's goal and given birth to a baby, we can all concentrate on why she gave it such a crappy name.

And actually it seems like there's quite a simple answer – Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently.

You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See?

Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that's important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.

Nicole Kidman isn't a bitter woman. Or at least we don't think that Nicole Kidman is a bitter woman – we haven't really been able to discern a single identifiable facial expression of hers other than 'mildly startled' since about 2004 – but if this new report is true then we might have to reverse our decision.

On Monday morning Nicole Kidman finally gave birth to her first biological baby, and we're absolutely certain that it was a moment of sheer, undiluted, life-changing joy for both her and Keith Urban. Nothing could have made the moment more perfect.

Well, except for Nicole Kidman deliberately giving the baby a name that would nark off Tom Cruise, anyway.

And that's what some are saying she did. Nicole Kidman's new baby is called Sunday Rose, which is obviously a direct insult to all Scientologists. Obviously. Don't believe us? MSNBC has spoken to a source who definitely exists and has obviously got all of the obvious facts:

“Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Yeah! Take that, evil Scientologists! If naming a baby after a day of the week that has equal importance to every other day for them doesn't finish the religion off for good, nothing will! This is bound to hit Scientology harder than anything since the time that Halle Berry named her baby Nahla Ariela, which is an anagram of Anal Ear Hail, which is – oh, we don't know – something that Xenu invented or whatever.

Of course, there's also a report claiming that Nicole Kidman decided to call her baby Sunday Rose because Keith Urban had written a song called Sunday about the baby, and that probably sounds a bit more true.

Note to any Keith Urban fans reading – that's a brand new song called Sunday as opposed to the existing Keith Urban song Raining On Sunday, which Keith wrote before he met Nicole Kidman and was just a lonely cowboy with a dream of having a baby, naming it Sunday and getting to piss all over it whenever he liked. We don't want any confusion.

This is a joyous day, a momentous occasion that will change the world forever – it's the day when Nicole Kidman can stop whining about not having any babies.

That's right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she's inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman's new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don't know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

Best of all, we're almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?

You hear that? That's the sound of Nicole Kidman not banging on about all the babies she wants. Blissful, isn't it? Because, honestly, for a while there we didn't think she'd ever stop. Any time Nicole Kidman opened her mouth over the last couple of years it was either baby this or pregnancy that or upsetting miscarriage blah blah blah. Watch The Golden Compass in reverse and you'll hear Nicole Kidman say "I want a bloody baby!" at least 17 times.

But now, nothing. That's because Nicole Kidman has given birth to her first biological baby, a little girl named Sunday Rose. Don't laugh – it's perfectly traditional for Australians to name their first-born children after something a pensioner would name a canal boat.

Anyway, Nicole Kidman gave birth to Sunday Rose yesterday morning in Nashville, and right now everything seems to be a picture of unbridled joy, as People reports:

"Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.

Oh really? Nicole Kidman really had a baby, did she? You'll have to excuse our cynicism but we feel it's justified – throughout Nicole Kidman's pregnancy we don't think a single person even saw so much as a glimpse of her baby bump. Doesn't Nicole Kidman know that you're supposed to paint your swollen belly orange and whack it out in a magazine if you're a pregnant celebrity? That's the only way anyone ever believes you.

Anyway. We swear to god, we'd better be blogging about celebrities in the year 2026, because it's going to be a vintage year for gossip. Halle Berry's kid will turn 18, Jessica Alba's kid will turn 18, J-Lo's kids will turn 18, Christina Aguilera's kid will turn 18 and now Nicole Kidman's kid will turn 18 as well. Statistically, at least one of them is bound to grow up to be a drug-ravaged sex fiend, right?

But it probably won't be Nicole Kidman's baby. That's because Nicole has made no secret of her desire to raise her children in private on a tiny Fijian island away from the glare and bitter temptation of Hollywood.

It's also because Sunday Rose is made of 50% Keith Urban genes. If anything she'll be a booze-ravaged sex fiend.

Nicole Kidman is married to an alcoholic country singer. She also fierce campaigns to end violence towards women. These two facts are completely unrelated.

And yesterday Nicole Kidman went to the United Nations headquarters in New York to further her cause. Speaking in front of the world’s media, Nicole Kidman told the world’s press about her commitment to the campaign. With the help of world governments and the United Nations, Nicole Kidman said, within ten years she can meet her target of having 75% of the world’s females married off to alcoholic country singers.

What? Nicole Kidman was actually talking about the violence towards women thing? Oh, what a hilarious misunderstanding.

We’re not sure exactly what it is that the United Nations does, but we’re beginning to think it’s some sort of freakish trap set up by the paparazzi to ensnare celebrities. There sure are a lot of famous folk that get to hang around the UN these days, you see – from Angelina Jolie to Madonna to Ban Ki-moon, who we think is famous because he made an internet sex tape or something once.

And now we can add Nicole Kidman to the list. Although she’s busy juggling being pregnant with her first child and looking exactly like some kind of bat, Nicole Kidman still found time to roll on down to the United Nations headquarters in New York yesterday to speak about the thing that matters second-most to her after deliberately making commercially unsuccessful movies.

That, of course, is violence against women. And, as a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. Development Fund for Women, it’s well within Nicole Kidman’s rights to call press conferences to make non-specific calls for change to nobody in general whenever she feels like it. As People reports, yesterday Nicole Kidman felt like it:

“Obviously, I’m emotionally connected to this,” Kidman said of her commitment during a press conference Tuesday at United Nations headquarters in New York. “I’m a mother. I have a child on the way. A lot of it is realizing the things that are wrong and [pondering] how can I contribute to help my children have a better life?” Kidman, 40, a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. Development Fund for Women (since 2006), spoke passionately about the need to curb violence against women – which she called the “most widespread human rights violation of our time.” … Kidman noted that “one in three women will encounter violence in some way, shape or form against them in their lifetime.” She added, “That’s an extraordinary statistic. Yet do we ever hear it?”

Oh blah blah blah, it’s always women this and violence that with Nicole Kidman. But what about the oppression suffered by good-looking middle-class white boys with blonde hair, blue eyes and impeccable dress sense, huh? Why are we condemned to suffer in silence? Why?

Anyway, celebrity endorsements like these usually help to raise awareness of serious issues, so perhaps Nicole Kidman really has done some good here. And if just one man gets drunk after work tonight, goes home and – instead of hitting his wife like normal – takes out his pent-up rage on a piece of furniture or a household pet, then Nicole Kidman will have done her job. High-fives all round.

Read more:

Nicole Kidman Campaigns To Stop Violence Against Women – People

When Nicole Kidman starred in BMX Bandits, the world truly was her oyster. She was beautiful, she was fresh, and watching those two Australian bicyclists repeatedly steal ice cream cones from that fat kid was funny as funny can be.

She may as well hang it up though, because now she looks exactly like a large-browed bat. It's unknown whether or not she flies around blindly eating insects at night, but if what her face looks like now means anything, then surely she does. Plus, through most of Bewitched we think she had a squished mosquito stuck to her enamel.

Nicole Kidman looks like a hideous clean-shaven bat. She really does. Don't be down on us for saying it – we're just passing along news. It's a doctor what said it. Then we realised it was true.

Now we're not talking about conventional American sporting equipment here – we mean Kidman looks like one of those furry flying lizards that sucks your blood if you fall asleep at a night-time picnic. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though – at least now she can replace Heath Ledger in the third Batman movie. It'll save the studio a fortune on makeup, and honour the dead actor's greatest role. Batman. Batman was Heath Ledger's greatest role. It's not out yet but we feel the odds of this being true are more than astronomical.

A little hint for the caterers of Kidman's future movies – lay out a bunch of melon. Bats have historically craved the sweet, sweet nectar of a ripe melon – and they always flock to it. You'll see.

Now we're not the only one's who think Nic's face has been horribly morphed – in fact we're not the first ones to think it either. Dr Martin Braun is the one that said it first:

"Nicole seems to get her Botox done two or three weeks before a big event, so when she for instance, goes up on stage to collect her Academy Award she looks frozen and strange. She looks like a bat with too much of an (outer) brow lift. The middle of the brow's been dropped. She's crying when she accepts her Oscar, but nothing is moving."

Braun failed to mention exactly which genus of flying mammal the actress looks like, but we think it's the leaf-nosed bat, which is actually the only bat we've ever found ourselves the least bit attracted to. Sigh. It's just so dainty, sexy and small. Perhaps this bat-likeness is what Kidman's been striving for all along. It explains the time she wanted to simultaneously fly in every single helicopter down-under in a sky lit only by the palest moon. Or possibly at some other time. It also explains why Tom Cruise used to pepper himself with beetle innards and a spritz of cantaloupe juice before the evening's retirement. We heard that's why their marriage didn't work.

We didn't really hear that. Now in closing let us just say that looking like a bat isn't the worst thing in the world. After all, we loved one once. Her name was Ruby and she was eaten by cave snakes during a reshoot for that Planet Earth documentary.

That was the hardest day of all.

Read More:

Botox Expert: 'Kidman Looks Like A Bat' – Digital Spy