Hunting high and low.

Folded:

• Legendary Usain Bolt on Top Gear (runs fast, drives fast, and all this on a diet of Chicken Nuggets. Fact)
• Music on Rabbit Chat and Date (okay so most of it’s keyboard crap, but one of the tracks does sound a bit like Tub Scene by David Holmes)
• Gormley’s Plinth (if only because it’s given Daily Mail readers something else to moan about other than immigrants)
• Ghostbusters The Video Game (surprisingly frustrating to play, but fun to sit and listen to)
• The Stateside Candy Co. (get fat on cool American sweets without ever having to go there)

Creased:

• Penultimate episode from season 3 of The Wire – BBC2 (the revealing scene between Stringer and Maury was well written, and it’s still a great show, but on the whole this episode was too far fetched and silly)
• Nicole Kidman (god knows what’s happened here)
• The Mini-Sneeze (you know that pointless little sneeze some people do? Sounds a bit like The Knights Who Say Nee from Monty Python? Yeah, well it’s really annoying)
• James Cracknell (seems like a real git on On Thin Ice, doesn’t he?)
• Silly horsey girl presenters on BBC Three (this channel’s idea of regional is Chelsea)

She hates Australia’s Outback, she hates Australia’s kangaroos, and perhaps most perplexing of all, she only has nice things to say about the country’s gaping ozone hole. THAT THING IS KILLING PEOPLE, NICOLE!

The final alleged anti-Australian blow that Kidman’s PR people should really get on is the way she hates Aborigines and all they stand for – especially their musical instruments that are sacredly reserved for the lips of men, but that she likes to puff on anyway.

Australia’s native Aboriginal population is full of wonderful people with ancestral roots dating back to ancient Mesopotamia – once a suburb of modern day Sydney. Long have they enjoyed a fertile climate generous enough to supply edible vegetation and ample space to film Crocodile Dundee movies.

Another thing they enjoy are wind instruments or, more specifically as it applies to this story, the didgeridoo. The didge, as it’s commonly called, is made from the branches of a gumtree. You blow in the smaller end and a large vibrational sound is emitted.

Sure, this sounds nice – but that’s just because you don’t yet know the frequency emitted is the exact one that can clog a woman’s baby parts if she’s the one huffing into the smaller end. This is an actual aboriginal belief, more or less. But Nicole Kidman doesn’t care – why should she fear anything to come out of such a stupid country, right?

Her thoughts, not ours. Plus, worst case scenario all she’d have to do is jump in that one lake again.

The Telegraph has specifics on the didgeridoo matter:

“Nicole Kidman has angered indigenous Australians by attempting to play a didgeridoo while promoting her new film Australia on a German television programme. The stunt flouts an Aboriginal custom that dictates women are forbidden to play the instrument. Kidman made the faux pas on the weekend during Wetten Das…? a popular chat show”

Well this obvious flaunting of something held in high regard by so many people doesn’t surprise us when it comes to Kidman. Not after what we’ve previously heard. For instance it wasn’t long ago someone told us they saw her poop on a Nordic war-hammer. This may not sound bad to some – but in Nordia those things are usually kept on sacred alters.

See? That’s what we mean – this doesn’t surprise us at all.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

According to reports, Nicole Kidman has signed up to play Einar Wegener – the world’s first male-to-female post-op transsexual – in a movie adaptation of the novel The Danish Girl. It sounds like playing Wegener could be the biggest gamble of Nicole Kidman’s career, but we’re certain that she’ll cope with it.

Why? Two reasons. Firstly, Nicole Kidman’s face is now so unsettlingly immobile that at least if she has a penis flapping about between her legs we’ll be able to know when she’s sexually aroused, which is one more identifiable emotion than she’s been able to convincingly deliver recently. Secondly, Nicole Kidman knows about getting your dick removed – she did get divorced from Tom Cruise, remember.

Nicole Kidman has made some blinding movies lately, hasn’t she? Like that one where she had it off with a 10-year-old boy because she thought he was her dead husband. That was a good one, although not as good as the one where she played a woman famous for taking photos of a hairy man. Oh, and who can forget the remake of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers where she screams a lot and beats up little Asian kids with a bed?

However, chances are you didn’t see any of those movies because, well, because nobody did. Just like nobody saw Bewitched, The Golden Compass or Margot At The Wedding. In fact, things have got so bad for Nicole Kidman professionally that she was recently named the worst-value actress in Hollywood.

And now that Nicole Kidman has taken some time out to have a baby and give some genuinely uncomfortable interviews about it, it’s time for her to make her dramatic comeback. How does she plan to do that? By getting her agent to seek out a surefire blockbuster for her to star in? By securing a small part in a comedy to show that she can make fun out of herself, Tom Cruise-style?

No. Nicole Kidman has decided to stage her comeback by making a film about a man who his his willy chopped off. Worse still, it’s a Danish man. Reuters reports:

The Australian actress will star in and produce “The Danish Girl,” based on the true story of Danish artists Einar and Greta Wegener… Greta encouraged her husband to adopt [a] female guise. What began as a harmless game led Einer to a metamorphosis and landmark 1931 operation that shocked the world and threatened their love.

Of course, Nicole Kidman should find playing a man particularly easy – her rigid batlike face makes it perfect to convey masculine suppressed emotion, for instance, plus she’s married to Keith Urban and he’s a man. She should get into practise for the role by copying his mannerisms. Not all of them, obviously, because we’re not sure how many Danish transsexuals from the 1930s were roaring drunk rednecks who look, act and talk exactly the same as Sawyer from Lost, but some of them.

But still, it’s easy to see why Nicole Kidman has decided to play a post-op transsexual. After all, she won an Oscar for playing a lesbian in The Hours, and Hilary Swank won an Oscar for play a transgendered boy, so it seems certain that The Danish Girl will be an expressway to Oscar glory for her. Provided, of course, that the Academy introduces a category for Best Shameful Pandering To Oscar Voters By A Woman Rendered Inscrutable By What Appears To Be Botched Cosmetic Surgery. It’s in the bag if that happens.

And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they’ll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that’s not how Nicole Kidman rolls.

Similarly when most moviestars have children, they’ll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn’t roll that way – which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn’t seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn’t want to die and how she can’t stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.

Nicole Kidman has been a mother for several years now, but that doesn’t count because a) her kids are adopted and b) they were adopted with Tom Cruise, which means they probably live in a cage with their eyes pinned open watching pro-Scientology propaganda interspersed with scenes from The Last Samurai. Probably.

So when Nicole Kidman gave birth to a baby daughter earlier this year, it was just like becoming a mother for the very first time. And with that birth came a wave of violently intense new emotions that Nicole Kidman had to deal with.

Admittedly you wouldn’t know it – over the last few years Nicole Kidman’s face has become so morbidly expressionless and bat-like that the only emotions she’s able to convincingly display are ‘ennui’, ‘mild displeasure’ and ‘corpse’ – but she has.

No, really, the birth of her baby has left Nicole Kidman in such a state that, as far as we can work out, she can’t stop crying because she’s always thinking about death. The Boston Herald reports:

“I’m raw and emotional… I cry even thinking of her. But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to (have a baby). To have been given it so late in life – I’m so ready for it… It’s very bittersweet. Because at 41, I think, ‘I want to see her 21st birthday, and I want to see her get married.’ My relationship with death used to be far more ambivalent… now it’s very much about staying in the world.”

Thinking logically it won’t be too hard for Nicole Kidman to stay alive until her daughter’s 21st birthday because by then she’ll only be 62 years old. And it’s not like she’ll be exhausted by the pressures of work either – it’s been so long since Nicole Kidman made a film that anybody actually liked that she should probably start thinking about semi-retirement as it is.

Because, honestly, it seems as though Nicole Kidman has got such a good handle on this motherhood lark that she should probably turn her hand to writing parenting guides, starting with a book for new mothers in their forties entitled NO! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I’M SO AFRAID! ARRRRRRGH!

Or something.

And actually it seems like there's quite a simple answer – Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently.

You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See?

Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that's important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.

Nicole Kidman isn't a bitter woman. Or at least we don't think that Nicole Kidman is a bitter woman – we haven't really been able to discern a single identifiable facial expression of hers other than 'mildly startled' since about 2004 – but if this new report is true then we might have to reverse our decision.

On Monday morning Nicole Kidman finally gave birth to her first biological baby, and we're absolutely certain that it was a moment of sheer, undiluted, life-changing joy for both her and Keith Urban. Nothing could have made the moment more perfect.

Well, except for Nicole Kidman deliberately giving the baby a name that would nark off Tom Cruise, anyway.

And that's what some are saying she did. Nicole Kidman's new baby is called Sunday Rose, which is obviously a direct insult to all Scientologists. Obviously. Don't believe us? MSNBC has spoken to a source who definitely exists and has obviously got all of the obvious facts:

“Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Yeah! Take that, evil Scientologists! If naming a baby after a day of the week that has equal importance to every other day for them doesn't finish the religion off for good, nothing will! This is bound to hit Scientology harder than anything since the time that Halle Berry named her baby Nahla Ariela, which is an anagram of Anal Ear Hail, which is – oh, we don't know – something that Xenu invented or whatever.

Of course, there's also a report claiming that Nicole Kidman decided to call her baby Sunday Rose because Keith Urban had written a song called Sunday about the baby, and that probably sounds a bit more true.

Note to any Keith Urban fans reading – that's a brand new song called Sunday as opposed to the existing Keith Urban song Raining On Sunday, which Keith wrote before he met Nicole Kidman and was just a lonely cowboy with a dream of having a baby, naming it Sunday and getting to piss all over it whenever he liked. We don't want any confusion.

That's right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she's inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman's new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don't know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

Best of all, we're almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?

You hear that? That's the sound of Nicole Kidman not banging on about all the babies she wants. Blissful, isn't it? Because, honestly, for a while there we didn't think she'd ever stop. Any time Nicole Kidman opened her mouth over the last couple of years it was either baby this or pregnancy that or upsetting miscarriage blah blah blah. Watch The Golden Compass in reverse and you'll hear Nicole Kidman say "I want a bloody baby!" at least 17 times.

But now, nothing. That's because Nicole Kidman has given birth to her first biological baby, a little girl named Sunday Rose. Don't laugh – it's perfectly traditional for Australians to name their first-born children after something a pensioner would name a canal boat.

Anyway, Nicole Kidman gave birth to Sunday Rose yesterday morning in Nashville, and right now everything seems to be a picture of unbridled joy, as People reports:

"Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.

Oh really? Nicole Kidman really had a baby, did she? You'll have to excuse our cynicism but we feel it's justified – throughout Nicole Kidman's pregnancy we don't think a single person even saw so much as a glimpse of her baby bump. Doesn't Nicole Kidman know that you're supposed to paint your swollen belly orange and whack it out in a magazine if you're a pregnant celebrity? That's the only way anyone ever believes you.

Anyway. We swear to god, we'd better be blogging about celebrities in the year 2026, because it's going to be a vintage year for gossip. Halle Berry's kid will turn 18, Jessica Alba's kid will turn 18, J-Lo's kids will turn 18, Christina Aguilera's kid will turn 18 and now Nicole Kidman's kid will turn 18 as well. Statistically, at least one of them is bound to grow up to be a drug-ravaged sex fiend, right?

But it probably won't be Nicole Kidman's baby. That's because Nicole has made no secret of her desire to raise her children in private on a tiny Fijian island away from the glare and bitter temptation of Hollywood.

It's also because Sunday Rose is made of 50% Keith Urban genes. If anything she'll be a booze-ravaged sex fiend.

And yesterday Nicole Kidman went to the United Nations headquarters in New York to further her cause. Speaking in front of the world’s media, Nicole Kidman told the world’s press about her commitment to the campaign. With the help of world governments and the United Nations, Nicole Kidman said, within ten years she can meet her target of having 75% of the world’s females married off to alcoholic country singers.

What? Nicole Kidman was actually talking about the violence towards women thing? Oh, what a hilarious misunderstanding.

We’re not sure exactly what it is that the United Nations does, but we’re beginning to think it’s some sort of freakish trap set up by the paparazzi to ensnare celebrities. There sure are a lot of famous folk that get to hang around the UN these days, you see – from Angelina Jolie to Madonna to Ban Ki-moon, who we think is famous because he made an internet sex tape or something once.

And now we can add Nicole Kidman to the list. Although she’s busy juggling being pregnant with her first child and looking exactly like some kind of bat, Nicole Kidman still found time to roll on down to the United Nations headquarters in New York yesterday to speak about the thing that matters second-most to her after deliberately making commercially unsuccessful movies.

That, of course, is violence against women. And, as a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. Development Fund for Women, it’s well within Nicole Kidman’s rights to call press conferences to make non-specific calls for change to nobody in general whenever she feels like it. As People reports, yesterday Nicole Kidman felt like it:

“Obviously, I’m emotionally connected to this,” Kidman said of her commitment during a press conference Tuesday at United Nations headquarters in New York. “I’m a mother. I have a child on the way. A lot of it is realizing the things that are wrong and [pondering] how can I contribute to help my children have a better life?” Kidman, 40, a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. Development Fund for Women (since 2006), spoke passionately about the need to curb violence against women – which she called the “most widespread human rights violation of our time.” … Kidman noted that “one in three women will encounter violence in some way, shape or form against them in their lifetime.” She added, “That’s an extraordinary statistic. Yet do we ever hear it?”

Oh blah blah blah, it’s always women this and violence that with Nicole Kidman. But what about the oppression suffered by good-looking middle-class white boys with blonde hair, blue eyes and impeccable dress sense, huh? Why are we condemned to suffer in silence? Why?

Anyway, celebrity endorsements like these usually help to raise awareness of serious issues, so perhaps Nicole Kidman really has done some good here. And if just one man gets drunk after work tonight, goes home and – instead of hitting his wife like normal – takes out his pent-up rage on a piece of furniture or a household pet, then Nicole Kidman will have done her job. High-fives all round.

Read more:

Nicole Kidman Campaigns To Stop Violence Against Women – People

She may as well hang it up though, because now she looks exactly like a large-browed bat. It's unknown whether or not she flies around blindly eating insects at night, but if what her face looks like now means anything, then surely she does. Plus, through most of Bewitched we think she had a squished mosquito stuck to her enamel.

Nicole Kidman looks like a hideous clean-shaven bat. She really does. Don't be down on us for saying it – we're just passing along news. It's a doctor what said it. Then we realised it was true.

Now we're not talking about conventional American sporting equipment here – we mean Kidman looks like one of those furry flying lizards that sucks your blood if you fall asleep at a night-time picnic. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though – at least now she can replace Heath Ledger in the third Batman movie. It'll save the studio a fortune on makeup, and honour the dead actor's greatest role. Batman. Batman was Heath Ledger's greatest role. It's not out yet but we feel the odds of this being true are more than astronomical.

A little hint for the caterers of Kidman's future movies – lay out a bunch of melon. Bats have historically craved the sweet, sweet nectar of a ripe melon – and they always flock to it. You'll see.

Now we're not the only one's who think Nic's face has been horribly morphed – in fact we're not the first ones to think it either. Dr Martin Braun is the one that said it first:

"Nicole seems to get her Botox done two or three weeks before a big event, so when she for instance, goes up on stage to collect her Academy Award she looks frozen and strange. She looks like a bat with too much of an (outer) brow lift. The middle of the brow's been dropped. She's crying when she accepts her Oscar, but nothing is moving."

Braun failed to mention exactly which genus of flying mammal the actress looks like, but we think it's the leaf-nosed bat, which is actually the only bat we've ever found ourselves the least bit attracted to. Sigh. It's just so dainty, sexy and small. Perhaps this bat-likeness is what Kidman's been striving for all along. It explains the time she wanted to simultaneously fly in every single helicopter down-under in a sky lit only by the palest moon. Or possibly at some other time. It also explains why Tom Cruise used to pepper himself with beetle innards and a spritz of cantaloupe juice before the evening's retirement. We heard that's why their marriage didn't work.

We didn't really hear that. Now in closing let us just say that looking like a bat isn't the worst thing in the world. After all, we loved one once. Her name was Ruby and she was eaten by cave snakes during a reshoot for that Planet Earth documentary.

That was the hardest day of all.

Read More:

Botox Expert: 'Kidman Looks Like A Bat' – Digital Spy

Sadly, most of the time Nicole Kidman had zero babies in her belly, with the stomach lumps probably either being nothing more than either trapped wind or a distortion caused by her stomach housing three semi-digested edamame beans instead of the usual two. But now, finally, Nicole Kidman has managed to get pregnant with help from her overpolished country singer husband Keith Urban. Nobody knows what sex Nicole Kidman's baby will be, or even when it's due, but we honestly couldn't be more thrilled for Nicole and Keith. Keith especially, because soon Nicole Kidman will be so busy looking after her tot that she won't notice if he goes out and gets drunk every now and then.

People often look at Nicole Kidman and think she's got it all – a successful movie career, ginger hair, an alcoholic husband, an advert for perfume where she gets to twitter "I'm a dancer! I love to dance!" like a confused pensioner in a dingy retirement apartment, a lucrative Nintendo DS endorsement deal, a face that's been botoxed so heavily that the only emotion she's able to convey is 'vague distress' – but you're wrong. Nicole Kidman hasn't got a baby.

We know that Nicole Kidman hasn't got a baby because – in addition to the daily onslaught of paparazzi photos showing Nicole Kidman's stomach jutting out a tenth of a millimetre further than usual accompanied by the near-hysterical headline 'Is Nicole Kidman Pregnant This Time Or Are We Just Fucking About With You As Usual?' – it's all she ever bloody goes on about.

Back in 2006 Nicole Kidman told the world that she wanted a flipping baby immediately, but since then it's been disappointment all the way. It was announced in March that Nicole Kidman wasn't pregnant, and then announced in August that Nicole Kidman still wasn't pregnant. In September Nicole Kidman subverted the form slightly by saying that she got pregnant once but then miscarried, but all we got after that was nothing but radio silence on the matter.

Now, though, the impossible has happened – Nicole Kidman is pregnant. It's great news, primarily because it means we won't have to keep giving you month-by-month accounts of the state of Nicole Kidman's ovarian tract, and it was confirmed by Nicole Kidman's slave-people yesterday:

“Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban confirmed today that they are expecting a baby. The couple are thrilled.”

Nicole Kidman hasn't confirmed the pregnancy herself, but we suppose she doesn't have to now. The pregnancy means that Nicole has dropped out of her forthcoming movie The Reader, a movie that actually sounds as if it might be rather good. It's just a shame that Nicole Kidman didn't get pregnant during the production of Bewitched, then. Or The Golden Compass. Or The Stepford Wives. Or The Invasion. Or Practical Magic. Or The Peacekeeper. Or Batman Forever.

But now isn't the time to make cheap cracks at Nicole Kidman's bizarre movie choices – now is the time to celebrate Nicole Kidman finally getting what she's always longed for by becoming pregnant. And while we're at it, it's also time to celebrate Katie Holmes, because this news means that there'll soon be another child in the world who'll refer to her as 'Mom'.

That's the tradition, right?

Read more:

’Golden’ girl Nicole is pregnant, rep confirms - Boston Herald 

Katie Holmes revealed to Parade magazine that Tom's adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, refer to her as 'Mom', even though 'very slightly older sister' would have probably been more apt. However, this sudden revelation is bound to upset Nicole Kidman profoundly, especially since she has said that the children now call her 'Nicole' against her wishes. Some have commented that this is all a deliberate ploy by Tom Cruise to turn the kids against Kidman, but we're not so sure – every kid knows the easiest way to get a bigger Christmas present from one divorced parent is pretend that you like the other divorced parent's new partner more than them.

Come on, that's rule number one, people.

Identity is a funny thing. Take Tom Cruise. To some he's the oversincere bell-end from Top Gun, to others he's the oversincere bell-end from Days Of Thunder. To Scientologists Tom Cruise is Jesus, to Germans Tom Cruise is Goebbels. And to Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise is the shadowy authority figure who keeps her locked in a dungeon except when he has a film out at which point he pays her to stand next to him bent-kneed on red carpets. Oh, we're kidding.

Anyway, Katie Holmes is a woman of several identities herself. Depending on the situation Katie Holmes can either be a glamorous fashionista, a goofy everygirl, the one weak link in Batman Begins or – in formal Scientology circles – Intrusive Humanoid 77629. What? It's a joke.

But now Katie Holmes can add one more identity to her CV – Mom. And not just to Suri Cruise The Enigmatic Space Baby, either – Katie Holmes is a Mom to Isabella and Connor, the children who Tom Cruise adopted when he was married to Nicole Kidman. Speaking to Parade magazine, Katie Holmes said of the kids:

"They are incredible. They call me Mom."

Of course they do, because Isabella and Connor have so much in common with Katie Holmes. They're almost all exactly the same age, for starters, and Katie Holmes doesn't have a frantically successful movie career to take care of like their adopted mother Nicole does.

In fact, Katie's comments come suspiciously close to a something Nicole Kidman said about her kids not so long ago. Nicole said:

"They call me Nicole, not mom which I hate and tell them off."

That can't possibly be coincidental, can it? In fact, all signs point to a kind of tug-of-love for the two kids between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, with Katie Holmes acting as Tom's robotic mouth-puppet. Maybe religion has something to do with it, too, because Tom Cruise must raise the children as Scientologists and Nicole Kidman must raise them as that rare offshoot of devout Catholicism where you're allowed to make films that slag off Catholics.

It must be an ideological minefield for the children, and perhaps this confusion has led to their adoption of Katie Holmes as a mother figure. After all, the only thing that Nicole Kidman can do when they're naughty is promise that they'll spend eternity in a kind of intangible hell situation – which means nothing to the average child – but if they're naughty around Tom Cruise he can promise that they'll spend a week in the tiny pitch-black rat-filled dungeon in his basement, surviving by licking the condensation off the walls for moisture like Katie has done for 90% of her marriage.

Oh come on, we're kidding. 

Read more:

Katie Holmes a 'Mom' – Mirror 

How sad? Sad enough for Nicole Kidman to turn up in court yesterday and legally testify that a photographer made her cry by trying to take her picture back on January 23, 2005. As part of a defamation suit against an Australian newspaper by Jamie Fawcett, the photographer in question, Nicole Kidman showed up at the New South Wales State Supreme Court in Sydney to say that she was reduced to tears when Fawcett chased her almost three years ago. This news will come as an incredible surprise to anyone who, like us, presumed that Nicole Kidman's tear-ducts were Botoxed into everlasting paralysis long, long ago.

Aside from the money, fame, glamour, jet-set lifestyle and the comforting thought that she never has to work again, Nicole Kidman has a lot to cry about. There was her failed marriage to Tom Cruise, for example, and the way she never seems able to have the children she's dreamt of for so long. There's the way that Nicole Kidman's current husband is a recovering alcoholic and the way that Nicole Kidman hasn't made a decent film for six years. Then there's the weird sonar/ rape alarm noise that Nicole Kidman does at the end of her Nintendo DS advert.

No, wait, that's us. That noise Nicole Kidman does makes us cry.

But anyway, you can see our point. Nicole Kidman has a lot to cry about. Whether she's actually cried about any of those things is another matter, though. But what we do know for sure is that Nicole Kidman definitely cried on January 23, 2005 – because yesterday she told an Australian court that she did.

Nicole Kidman testified as part of a defamation suit against Sydney's Sun-Herald newspaper by photographer Jamie Fawcett, who the paper claimed was Sydney's "most inventive and disliked freelance photographer… determined to wreak havoc on Kidman's private life." Although the court has already found that the newspaper defamed Fawcett, Nicole Kidman's testimony was needed to help establish what amount of damages Fawcett should be paid.

That'll be hardly any if Nicole Kidman gets her way, because her testimony yesterday hinted that Fawcett was lucky not to have caused a pile-up:

"I have been pursued many times. I have had this happen in relation to this particular man…so many times. [The driver] said they were driving crazy and that they had run red lights and jumped the median strip. I was frightened, and I was worried about a car accident…. I employ people to protect me now. I employ people 24 hours to protect myself, because I don't feel equipped to handle things."

Although Nicole Kidman has helped to shine a light on all the distress that celebrities must constantly deal with at the hands of persistent photographers, there is at least one up-side to the story – at least we know that Nicole Kidman is still capable of believable emotion. After The Invasion and The Stepford Wives and Bewitched, we had begun to worry.