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Lil’ Kim Sued By Odd People Who Want A New Lil’ Kim Album

by Stuart Heritage

As a female rapper, it’s Lil’ Kim’s civic duty to get in as much trouble as humanly possibly, but we don’t get the feeling she’s hungry for it any more.

Back in the old days Lil’ Kim could usually be relied on to cause a ruckus by lying about shootings and getting sent to jail for it or whatnot but, now that she’s a little bit older, Lil’ Kim seems to have taken her eye off the balls. Sure, Lil’ Kim still gets in trouble, but only for not delivering albums she’s been paid to make.

As such, Lil’ Kim is being sued by her record label. Although a little lawsuit might not seem like much, it’s actually an indication of something far far worse than any of us could have ever imagined – there are a handful of people on earth who actually want to hear a new Lil’ Kim album. We’re scared. Hold us.

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Britney Spears Releases New Album ‘Circus’ Frighteningly Soon

by Stuart Heritage

As evidenced by her nanosecond appearance at the MTV VMAs recently, Britney Spears is back to her best, and that can only mean one thing.

Yes, that’s right – Britney Spears has got a new album coming out soon. According to a just-released missive from her record label, Britney Spears’ new album is to be called Circus and will be released on December 2, with a new single entitled Womanizer coming out next week.

It’s exciting stuff, but why has Britney Spears chosen to call her new album Circus? Well it’s easy – Britney Spears wanted to name her album after the best description for the inside of her own head. Other contenders for the album title were Swirling Kaleidoscope Of Terrifying Cackles, The Theme-Tune To Taxi On An Unrelenting Loop and Barely-Pulsating Gloop.

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New Led Zeppelin Album! Soon! Kind Of! But Not Really!

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody wants to hear the old hits when a band reforms – they want to hear an album of new songs, all written by some millionaire pensioners.

Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?

Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.

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New Guns N’ Roses Song To Significantly Lessen Sales Of Rock Band 2

by Shawn Lindseth

Making an entire music album seems like it’d be pretty tough. Not only do you have to make sure the drums are synchronised just right with the rhythm guitar, but you have to keep firing your entire band every time one of them plays a note that will make your brand-new 14-year-old album less than [...]

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Lindsay Lohan Wants A Kylie And Rihanna Musical Orgy!

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan has spoken of her plans to merge the musical styles of Kylie and Rihanna for her upcoming album, in a way that can tenuously be described as wanting an orgy.

Li-Lo – as only the coolest of kids are calling her – is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia). Talking about her upcoming album, she said:

I want it to be dance, I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I’ve already done three songs. I’m doing my third in New York, actually.

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Madonna’s New Album To Rot Your Teeth

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna – centuries-old empress of reinvention that she is – has decided to name her new album Hard Candy, but how will that affect her image?

Using our always dead-on powers of deduction, we’ve been able to work out that this means Madonna is ditching her purple leotard for Hard Candy to either dress up as an unnerving sweet-shop lady or she’ll base her look on that film where Juno tries to cut a paedophile’s balls off.

What’s that? Pharrell has produced much of Hard Candy for Madonna and it features several guest spots by Justin Timberlake? Well in that case we’re completely wrong – Madonna’s new look will be that of a 50-year-old woman at a nightclub desperately trying to look three decades younger than she actually is and fooling nobody. So no real change, then.

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JK Rowling Wants To Write One More Harry Potter Book

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since Harry Potter was conceived, JK Rowling has insisted that his story was only seven books long – except that now it’s over she’s starting to wonder if it could stretch to eight.

By writing the final Harry Potter book at some point over the last 12 months, JK Rowling scored herself a runner-up spot on the Time Person of The Year List – she would have come first if it wasn’t for that bloody Vladimir Putin – and that seems to have made her wonder out loud about writing another Harry Potter book. Don’t get too excited, though, because the new Harry Potter book is at least a decade away – coming after the final Harry Potter movie, the opening of the Harry Potter theme park, the Harry Potter On Ice tour and the vastly unsuccessful Harry Potter Sings Julio Iglesias CD of Spanish language seduction ballads planned for March 2014.

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Rosie O’Donnell Back On TV! Possibly!

by Stuart Heritage

Like us, you’ve probably turned on the TV over the last few months and been frustrated at the lack of hulking angry red-faced lesbians spluttering and gasping any time anyone says something they even slightly disagree with.

If that’s the case, well, we don’t want you to get too excited here, but it looks like Rosie O’Donnell is going to be given her own show on MSNBC. It’s early days yet, but rumour has it that Rosie O’Donnell is in negotiations to bounce back after her high-profile resignation from The View with a daily prime-time TV show where she’ll be in direct competition with Larry King. Nothing’s been confirmed yet, but it’s thought that Rosie O’Donnell has already drawn up a shortlist of potential titles for her show, including I Hate Everything, Outta My Way Assholes and Has Anyone Else Noticed That Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn’t Have Her Own Show? She Doesn’t, I Checked.

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